A horse walks into a bar, the barman says "why the long face?"

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

What's big, red and eats grass? A bus ( I lied about the grass)

What's big red and eats rocks? A big red rock eater

What's big brown and hides up a tree? A piano

What's got 8 legs, is green and hurts when it jumps on you? An angry snooker table

What's the difference between a duck? One of its legs is both the same

What did the apple say to the orange? Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.

What do you do with a dog that has no legs? Take him out for a drag.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car.

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.

Two ropes walk into a bar. The bartender says to the rope "Hey! we don't serve ropes in here" so one of the ropes left. The other rope frayed up his hair and tied himself in a knot. The bartender said to the rope "Are you a rope?" and the rope said " I'm afaid not"

3 old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three"? "274" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man "It's your turn. What is three times three"? "Tuesday" replys the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday".

What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck!

A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar. "A pint of lager and a mop please."

These two biscuits are walking down the road. One says "where do you live?" the other says "im not telling you" "why not" "because you'll steal my washing"

A man goes into a doctor and says "doctor you've got to help me, yesterday i thought i was teepee, today i think im a wigwan". The doctor says "you know what your problem is?, your two tense"(i.e. Tents)

What does mozart do now that he is dead? He decomposes.

Whatdaya call a cow with two legs? Lean Beef. What dya call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef. What dya call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he ain't gonna come anyway...

Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "it's hot in here, and the other sausage says "OH MY GOODNESS IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"

There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count. And those who can't.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick

Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys "You know, if had just one more beer, I think I could fly." The second guy says "No Way!" So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk out to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies back to the top of the cliff. The second guy is totally amazed, so he says "You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too." So all three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has another beer. After he finished, he said "Ok, I will be able to fly now" So they all went outside and the second guy jumped off of the cliff and feel to the bottom, where he hit the ground and died instantly. The third guy turned to the first guy and said "You know Superman, you are a real jerk when you drink"