As bereaved individuals, we need our grief to be recognized, to be acknowledged. We require an understanding of the meaning of the relationship that has been lost -- and this is often what is least understood by others. The impact of a loss is determined, not so much by the name given to the relationships (son, daughter, mother, father, grandchild, grandparent, friend, hero, etc.), but by the meaning of that relationship in the bereaved individual's life. Someone significant in our life is missing, and we realize that the cost of our love is the pain of our grief. We have lost a relationship that fulfilled specific needs in our lives -- including the need to dream, hope and plan for the future of that relationship. For a time, we are left feeling empty and without hope. These are tragedies in our lives which make no sense. We lose our own sense of self, and are confused and frightened. For most of us, there are many things about this relationship we wished could have been different -- and further, our guilt can become overwhelming. We are left with our memories -- and the fear that they will fade, or that we will forget. No one else truly understands what we had in that relationship, and consequently, what we lost. At the time we are in the most pain, we are in the worst position to try to explain anything to anyone. We simply need others to recognize our sorrow and pain, no matter whom we lost. www.bereavedfamilies.net/ goodgrief/gg-disenfranchised.html http://www.bereavement.org/disenfranchised_grief.htm Disenfranchised Grief Disenfranchised grief is the result of a loss for which they do not have a socially recognized right, role or capacity to grieve. These socially ambiguous losses are not or cannot be openly mourned, or socially supported. Essentially, this is grief that is restricted by "grieving rules" ascribed by the culture and society. The bereaved may not publicly grieve because, somehow, some element or elements of the loss prevent a public recognition. Disenfranchised grief occurs in three primary ways. You may note that some of the examples also were noted under ambiguous losses: · The relationship is not socially recognized. The relationship is not based on recognizable kin ties (the death of a friend), may not be publicly recognized or socially sanctioned, (a partner in a gay or lesbian relationship), the relationship exists primarily in the past (ex-spouse) · The loss is not socially recognized or is hidden from others. Not socially recognized losses include perinatal losses. Hidden losses include abortion (politicization of loss), the loss of pet (fear of ridicule), and losses that result from causes other than death. · The griever is not socially recognized. This may include those who are not socially defined as capable of grief: very old and very young and the mentally disabled. Essentially, there is an underlying theme here of stigma or "invisibility" tied to the loss. Because of the lack of social recognition, disenfranchised grief is a hidden grief and this "hiddenness" can paradoxically increase the reaction to loss. There can be an intensify emotional reactions. It can intensify feelings of anger, guilt and/or powerlessness, thus resulting in a more complicated grief response. Rituals may be absent or the grievers may be excluded from rituals. The reduced or absent social support promotes a sense of generalized isolation on the part of the griever. Similarly, Hocker (1990) described this form of grief, referring to it as unsanctioned and unrecognized grief and identifying the following characteristics: · Social stigma o embarrassment on the part of the bereaved because loss is unsanctioned o secrecy · Absence of mourning rituals o these provide a means to express cultural beliefs and values o communal celebration, recognition o funeral rituals are one of these · Grief not expressed at the proper time o emotions are restrained, stifled and frustrated o grief is delayed because of hostile reactions to its expression · Economic and legal problems o financial pressures resulting from loss that is not a legal one (e.g., unmarried partner) · Emotional problems o the disenfranchised nature of the loss can lead to emotions being exaggerated Disenfranchised grief may lay hidden for years, only to be triggered by later losses. Seeland (1990) proposed that this hidden grief can lead to incomplete resolution of the tasks Worden outlined (and which we covered in Unit 1). There may be delayed grief reactions where new grief may build on or trigger old, unresolved grief responses. This may result in chronic grief reaction where grief is never resolved, life becomes stagnant, and new emotional growth cannot take place. Grief reactions may be masked, and grief may express itself in a variety of physical, psychological, or behavioral manifestations. - from : http://www.indiana.edu/~famlygrf/units/ambiguous.html http://www.findingourway.net/ LINKS, PLACES YOU CAN GO http://www.billwilsoncenter.org/thecentre/ http://www.billwilsoncenter.org/thecentre/docs/griefmourning.pdf http://members.aol.com/neepster/otheralameda.html -looking for a bereavement specialist in an area http://www.deni.net/grief.html
