~Gollum the Hairstylist~
This scene takes place before the War of the Ring in a hair salon in Rivendell. Gollum is looking for a job, because, come to find out, he didn’t make much money just sitting alone in dark mountain with just a stupid little ring… Gee, who woulda thought? Gollum walks in looking very out of place. He sees a lady and goes over to her.
Gollum: Hi, umm… I’d like to apply for a job.
Hair Dresser: Do you like elves?
Gollum: No
Hair Dresser: Are you good with hair?
Gollum: Nope
Hair Dresser: Well, can you at least count money?
Gollum: Actually, I’m obsessed with it…
Hair Dresser: Perfect, sounds just like me, you’re hired! I’m going to take a lunch break, so you can take over for me now.
Gollum: Uh… ok
The hair dresser walks out. A second later, Legolas walks in wearing a HUGE hat.
Legolas: Can you keep a secret? I really need to get something fixed…
Gollum: Oh, sure, yeah. I’m known for being a great friend.
Gollum snickers to himself, though who knows why. Legolas blushes bright red, then takes off his giant hat to reveal that his perfect hair is all tangled!
Gollum: Okay, Dude, this is a hair salon, not a miracle handout shop. What happened to you?
Legolas: I got into a fight with… someone…
Gollum, staring blankly at Legolas: Who?
Legolas mumbles something.
Gollum: What was that?
Legolas: Arwen, okay?! She said she was prettier than me, then I tried to hit her, but she was too fast… and then this happened. She’s not prettier than me, is she?
Gollum: She so is! And you are such a wimp!
Gollum starts cracking up. Legolas storms out with tears in his eyes, realizing that Gollum wouldn’t fix his hair until he stopped laughing, and that would be a LONG time. Frodo then walks in.
Frodo: Why is Legolas crying and wearing that ridiculously large hat?
Gollum, who has just stopped laughing: Oh, HAHA, don’t even ask, whatcha here for?
Frodo: Oh, I need a pedicure.
Sam runs in.
Sam: And me too!
Gollum looks at their disgusting hobbit feet with disbelief.
Gollum: You’ve got to be kidding me. Sam, I can barely stomach looking at your feet, there’s no way I’m gonna touch em.
Sam: Hey! Well, Rosie like’s em at least.
Sam then gets this stupid look on his face.
Frodo: Ewww! She must really need help.
Gollum: That’s what I’m saying, man.
Sam: yeah! Wait, what?
Sam then realizes that he’s been insulted, so he goes and sits down with a superman comic book and reads it. Gollum turns back to Frodo.
Gollum: I maybe could manage a spiral perm, but I aint touchin those bug-filled slabs you call hobbit feet.
Frodo: Okey-doke, but I got all the bugs out yesterday.
Gollum: Oh that’s just sick!
Frodo sits in the chair while Gollum starts to work on his already way-too-curly hair. The Balrog walks in.
Balrog: Can I get my hair treated with heat?
Gollum looks at him, trying to decide if he’s serious or not.
Gollum: First of all, what hair? Next, you’re joking, right?
The Balrog looks confused.
Balrog: Well can I at least help dry the short dude’s hair?
Gollum: Sure, why not?
Suddenly, Frodo’s hair goes up in flames and the Balrog runs out laughing. OH NO! Frodo’s bald! Frodo has fallen asleep somehow, and Sam isn’t paying attention, so Gollum runs into the back and retrieves a curly wig, the only problem is… it’s hot pink! Gollum decided to use it anyways and just not let Frodo see a mirror before he left. Gollum wakes up Frodo.
Gollum: There ya go, old buddy, all done.
Frodo: Thanks, I think I’ll come back next time I wanna get my hair done.
I bet not… thought Gollum.
Frodo: Come on, Sam, let’s go!
Sam is so enticed by the Superman comic book that he doesn’t even look up as he follows Frodo out the door, after hitting it because he’s not looking up. While Gollum is laughing, the Witch King walks… well, sorta floats in.
Gollum: Ok, how in the world am I supposed to do your hair if you don’t have any?
W.K.: Oh, I have hair, you just can’t see it.
Gollum: And that’s supposed to help me how?
The Witch King stares blankly at Gollum until he realizes that Gollum’s not going to work on his invisible hair.
W.K.: Well? Aren’t you going to give me a perm?
Gollum: Dude, it would be kind of hard seeing as how I CAN’T SEE YOUR HAIR!
W.K.: Ohhhh, okay, so you have to see it to do it? I get it… I’ll go see if Legolas will do it, or maybe Arwen.
The Witch King has obviously had one too many drinks cuz he needed Gollum to point out the door for him. At the thought of Arwen and Legolas, Gollum starts laughing again. After the Witch King left, Gimli walked in.
Gimli: I need you to brush my beard.
Gollum: No way! There’s no telling what grows or lives in there.
Gimli: Don’t worry, Sally doesn’t bite.
Gollum was too freaked out to ask who or what Sally was. He handed Gimli a dog brush and could barely make
himself watch as Gimli brushed his beard and things fell out.
Gimli: Oh… so there’s where my axe went, ok.
Gollum: Dude, that’s just so wrong.
After he finishes brushing his beard, Gimli leaves. Then Elrond walks in.
Elrond: Okay, I need my hair all spiffy for some secret council we’re supposed to have in Orthanc and not tell anyone about…
Gollum: And they let you lead a city?
Elrond: Huh?
Gollum: Nevermind.
Elrond realizes he’s been insulted.
Elrond: Auta Miqula Orqu!
Gollum: Like I know what that means.
Elrond: Lasto an nin lalaith
Elrond then cracks up.
Gollum: I’m not doing your hair, dude, cuz I can’t
even understand you.
Elrond hits the closed door because he’s laughing so hard, then opens it and somehow slips and falls flat on his face… but he’s still laughing. He eventually gets up and walks away.
Gollum, mumbling to himself: He is such a freak
Gandalf walks in.
Gandalf: Do you know what he just said?
Gollum: Well, some sort of insult or something…
Gandalf: Uh-huh… anyways, I think I wanna cut my beard.
Gollum: Welp, here’s the scissors.
Gandalf: No, I want you to do it.
Gollum: Do what?
Gandalf: My beard
Gollum: What about it?
Gandalf stares at him and mumbles something in elvish.
Gollum: All right, all right, sit down.
Gandalf: Where?
Gollum hadn’t noticed before, but the Balrog had also taken the chairs up in flame with him.
Gollum: Uh… can’t you just go ‘poof’ and make
something appear?
Gandalf: Oh yeah, hang on.
Gandalf does some weird dance and sings (terribly, I might add) an elvish song which makes three giant lizards appear out of nowhere.
Gollum: Couldn’t you just make some chairs?
Gandalf: Oh! Now you want chairs? huh! Well fine.
Bulounian!
A nice chair appears and the lizards leave in a huff.
Gandalf falls asleep while Gollum starts to work on his beard, and Gollum hears a noise outside. He turns around to see what it was, and accidentally cuts Gandalf’s pointy wizard hat in half!
Gollum: Whoops!
Gandalf wakes up.
Gandalf: What?
Gollum: Nothing! Uh… you’re all done, yeah, that’s why I woke you up… ahem.
Gandalf: yeah, sure, whatever. Oh, by the way, am I getting old or did I see Frodo with pink hair?
Gollum laughs nervously.
Gollum: hehe.. umm… must be the old eyes, huh?
Gandalf: Right…
Gandalf leaves happily.
Ooh, I’d better get out of here before he remembers his hat… Gollum thought to himself.
He went to the magic store next to the hair salon and found a wizard’s hat that looked just like Gandalf’s… except that it was hot pink!
Gollum, mumbling to himself: Why is it always pink? *then louder* Do you have something like this in gray?
Clerk, who happens to be Pippin: Yup
Gollum: Where is it?
Pippin: Where is what?
Gollum: Where’s this hat?
Pippin: In your hands
Gollum realizes that Pippin is a dope, and obviously won’t help him, so he buys the hat and some gray paint. He then dips the hat in the paint and lets it dry… but not fast enough.
Gandalf: Whoops, forgot my hat, heh.
Gollum, shakily: Umm… Here it is.
Gandalf: Why is it sticky?
Gollum: uhh… must’ve gotten hair spray on it or something.
Gandalf: That’s ok, I’ll wash it at Elrond’s house.
Gollum half smiles as Gandalf as he leaves. Just then, the hair dresser returned from her LONG lunch break, as soon as she walks in, Gollum runs for it.
Gandalf: GOLLUM!
Frodo: GOLLUM!
Sam: WHAT HE SAID! Wait…
Legolas: ARWEN!
Elrond is still laughing.
Arwen: HAHA! I’m prettier!
Hair Dresser: Huh?
Pippin: Hey Gandalf, guess what!
Gollum: Shut up, Pippin!
Gandalf and Frodo, with Sam lagging behind them, chased after Gollum while Legolas and Arwen get into another fight, which Arwen won, of course, and the Hair Dresser hires Pippin to replace Gollum. Wouldn’t you want Pippin to do your hair? And to this day, no one knows what became of Gollum, except that Gandalf and Frodo returned smiling, with Sam still looking confused, and a girl showed up who sounded remarkably like Gollum, but Gandalf said her name was Emily. Emily, however, just glared at Gandalf and Frodo for the longest time. What do you think happened? :)
Back To:
Fan Fiction
Home
Email: pippintl@hotmail.com
