"My compassion is broken now. My will is eroded, and my desire stolen and it makes me feel ugly."

A journal to express my irrational way of being able to feel incredible happiness and complete misery at the same time. Most of my thoughts are negative, selfish and malicious. I do not know where these feelings stem from. But I must say that I lack any sympathy for Humans, in which gets me aggravated the most.

July 7, 2003

I have found out the man I was in love with never trusted me. I found out that he is not in love with me. I found out that he doesn’t care whether or not we break up. Then he told me he lied. That I should know that he really loves me, regardless. Well I know that type. That was the first time he said it. And the last time. I do not play games. I can fall out of love in a snap. Once you said you didn’t trust me, no matter how mean you were trying to be for your own self-deprecating purposes. Basically, for me to confirm my feelings for you? Nope. I am no longer in love with you. It’s amazing to feel so deep so immensely deep, and then with a few words, even if they are not the truth can turn a persons heart in a U-turn. And it’s sad. Cause my breed is very rare. Life with me would have been heavenly. You killed us. We are no more.

July 3, 2003

July 4th weekend. I was supposed to head out to Maryland this weekend, but plans are now screwy. My sister would be driving in to pick me up in Manhattan, which would be 10 hours of straight driving. Most definetly longer considering holiday traffic. I did not want to leave the city for the weekend. But I miss my father terribly. I always feel better when I’m there. Happier. Must be the clean air. Since, I will not be spending my time at the Inner Harbor, I will be joining my friends for a BBQ, hosted by the Lovely Mellanie. I know I will have a good time, and I get to spend a nice weekend with Razi. Today I’m feeling rather wonderful. A well deserved 3 day weekend is ahead.

July 2, 2003

I'm trying to express myself. The only way I've ever known to do this was through writing. I've been writing since I was a child. I was never able to express myself to anyone, as it is the same now. I know this is where a lot of my anger and mistrust comes in, though many circumstances in my life has proven trusting anyone but yourself can only hurt you in the end. Nothing is unconditional. No relationship is pure. Though I do believe I take this to the extreme. Caring and trust are two different things. I wish there was that person, the person you know is unconditional. Real. Truthful. Self-depricating acts spin a vicious cycle. Addicting. I am my own pain, my own misery, my own truth.

June 30, 2003

I started this journal as a reminder. A reminder for when I slip up. I have not been upkeeping it. I will start. Need to keep my head in check, if that is at all possible. Many things have changed since my first entry. I've lost my apt. Currently living hobo style, though I can't complain considering I'm at friend's place alone with my Kitties in the middle of Times Square. Still have no patience for people, more so now. I just don't understand the logic. I'm am most certain, people keep any logic to themselves and never express this courtesy with the rest of us.

June 25, 2003

So much confusion in life has been caused for you and me.
What does fate have planned? What way will it be?
I had determined to harden my heart so it wouldn't break.
But with you that wall crumbled should I move on for sanity sake?
Life isn't and won't be perfect of that we are both aware.
I live with no regrets only experiences for me to share.
We have our own problems and some will always be there.
And sometimes we may find it's hard to not care.
True happiness and love will come for you and I someday.
We may not know now how or in what way.
If there is no way we can become "us" and we must part
Always remember honesty truly prevents a broken heart
Life, thoughts and feelings pulling us this way and that way.
For once in my life I'm really not sure what else to say.

May 16, 2003

Today is my 26th Birthday. At work. Same thing every year. Later on this evening I will be heading to the cottage to meet up with my friends for drinks. We’ll see how that turns out. Birthday’s have never been special for me. Every year my mother has a cake for me. I go to a bar. That’s it. Not one birthday of significance. This year will not be any different. Though I did have an outing to Coney Island! Which was sooo much fun! Cyclone (5x), Wonderwheel (got to see Razi and Goog freakout, so funny), tasted my first corn dog (yummy). Hung out on the beach, smoked up had some beers. But needless to say, it was not on my birthday and it was a trip to Coney Island.

January 04, 2003

New Year’s was shot to hell. People have a habbit of making asses of themselves by starting petty fights. In which, it was awful. I invited my new boyfriend to a friends New Year’s Eve party and a certain obnoxious “old” friend of mine decided to say something stupid to him. Needless to say, they were so drunk, no one even remembers what was said. Though it must have been bad. So, heavy tension all night with the long talks of apologies. My sister got drunk, started crying. So between apologizing to Razi and calming down my sister all while drunk off my ass, was rather annoying. No fun. I will have belated New Year’s Eve party at my house. No one had a good time. Maybe we can make it up. Most of my guy friends grew up to be assholes. They are not invited.

December 20, 2002

Falling in love again. I did not need this right now. Though, I am being extremely selfish. People search their whole lives for just one chance at love. I've found love once before. I am wiser now. This is what makes this particular love scary. I don't want to be hurt. I hate feeling lately. Feelings have been my weakness. I love him.

November 16, 2002

I’ve been hiding under that black veil again. The one, in which, everything is fine, because you led yourself to believe the good. Who told me this shit? Believe the good, never think the worst? For? Not to often does things turn out for the best. Depends on the situation. It's always the life altering changes that turned out awful. For the young ones, Prepare. You’re in for a fucked ride.

November 2, 2002

How can I learn to trust? To the few confidants I have had, they always tell me I have to trust in someone. Bullshit! There have been very few people that I allowed myself to trust, well, needless to say, I will never trust again. Trusting is for those who cannot get their own fucking thoughts straight. Trust is for people who have no faith in themselves. Trust is for people who are weak. I will never trust another soul again.

September 18, 2002

Trying to settle in this foreign place. I feel alone here. There is no one. Who was I kidding? I suppose I set myself up. Being miserable has taken it's toll and left me Schizophrenic. Setting myself up for the worst. Or maybe this move will be for the best. Hating the people I have to live in the same city with. I'm here. Stuck.