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Guy 101 - How to kick an Assailant's Ass

Even as a wee lad, pro wrestling badass Triple H showed a talent for kicking ass. "I was in the second grade," recalls Triple H, a.k.a. Hunter Hearst Helmsley. "A kid took my truck, and I went to take it back, and he hit me. I went over to the teacher, crying, and she said, 'Well, hit him back.' So I went over and kicked the shit out of him."

It was an auspicious start for a guy who makes a living taking on all comers in the ring -- including the occasional psychotic amateur. A few years back, during a bout in Germany, a clearly deranged fan climbed into the ring. "I grabbed the guy and beat the hell out of him," Triple H recalls. "I didn't get sued for it, either. Security beat him up more and took him to jail. That's the beauty of Germany."

The only person who can hurt Triple H seems to be, well, himself. In a bout in May 2001, he took an awkward step and tore his quadricep muscle from the bone -- and he still finished the match. It took a grueling eight-month rehab before Triple H could return to the ring. Ever the showman, Triple H let the cameras roll during his recovery, which is chronicled in the new DVD, Triple H: The Game. Now back on top of the WWE, Triple H took a moment to give his top tips on the game of kicking butt.

Take the guy out early.

He who hesitates gets his ass kicked. "If you think there's going to be a fight, strike first, strike fast and take him out," Triple H says. "Always assume that if the guy gets up, you aren't going to get off another shot."

Don't think Hollywood.

Leave the old turn-away-and-then-punch trick to Jackie Chan. "Everybody thinks they'll just turn their back and then come with a flying overhead right and hit the guy right in the face, and he'll never see it coming," Triple H says. "That's hokey television crap, and it doesn't work in real life."

Don't go for the big punch.

Most fights happen very close, where close-combat moves work better than a roundhouse. "You're better to swing like you're going to throw a giant punch, but keep your hand in, and hit the guy with the point of your elbow," Triple H says. "That's a very hard bone. You hit somebody with that, it's gonna do some damage."

Use your head -- on his nose.

If you don't have room to throw an elbow, use your head. "The top of your head is very thick, where your hairline would be. If you lean forward exceptionally fast and make contact with the bridge of a guy's nose with the top of your forehead, you're going to do some serious damage." And accuracy is not even that important, Triple H says. "Did you see the Holyfield-Rahman fight?" he asks. "Even if you miss their nose and hit them in the eye, that's a quick way to make a guy look like the elephant man."

Fists don't work as well as you think.

Remember the story of the German fan who jumped in the ring? In that melee, Triple H broke his knuckle. "The head tends to be harder than your hand," he says. "That's why boxers break hands."

Travel with friends who know the rules.

Make sure your friends are clear of the rules of the fight. Says Triple H: "The rules are: If I'm winning, let it go. If the guy flips me over and he gets on top, pull him off."

You can never knock a guy out too much.

When you knock somebody out, give him something to remember you by. "Kick him in the nuts as you walk by," Triple H says. "I don't want the guy to think the next time he's got a chance. I want to knock him out and hurt him a little bit, so he thinks, 'I don't want to mess with that guy anymore.' Add insult to injury."

Think Hollywood after the fight.

All pro wrestlers know how to humiliate a beaten opponent with words or actions. Just wait for the showboating until after the guy is down for the count. And then? "If you've seen me wrestle," Triple H says, "I would get a large beverage and spit it on the guy." If no beverage is handy, spit out a good one-liner. "I got a lot of mileage out of 'Suck on that, bitch,'" Triple H says. "When you knock a guy out, that's always a good one."

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