Vic Venom's Down and Dirty with the Devils-Hunter Hearst Helmsley (kayfabe)- (1997)

VIC: Hunter, the only way to start this interview is with a question that has been weighing on my mind for some time now: Have you ever gotten horse poop on your riding boots during a polo match? And, if so, what did you do?

HHH: In the game of polo, that is inevitable, Mr. Venom. Yes, it has happened to me, and when it does, I IMMEDIATELY have my servants clean my boots. Most of the time, however, I just get a new pair of boots and disregard the old ones.

VIC: What do you think of unsanitary women such as Courtney Love, Madonna and Alundra Blayze?

HHH: Completely DISGUSTING! Nothing detests me more than an unclean woman. For God's sake, why can't they just bathe regularly? Once a day is good, but twice a day is much, much, better. Especially for that Alundra Blayze! She just walks by and leaves a vapor trail forever!

VIC: In a pinch, have you ever had to go to the bathroom in one of those porta-potties?

HHH: Vic Venom, where on God's earth do you come up with these questions? First of all, I've seen these porta-potties on the construction sight when they're doing work on my mansion. They are there because I refuse to let the workers into my home to use my 15 rest rooms. Overall, I believe that they are utterly RIDICULOUS! What I don't understand is how does the bathroom attendant fit inside there with you? How does that work?

VIC: Very good question, Hunter? Next - Have you ever eaten at McDonalds?

HHH: I've never eaten at McDonalds, and will NEVER eat at McDonalds! How the world can digest that rotten food is beyond me!

VIC: There's a rumor going around that you actually kicked Robin Leach OUT of your mansion because he failed to wipe his feet before he entered. Is that true?

HHH: That is quite true. You see, Mr. Venom, Robin Leach is nothing but a servant to a TV studio. He works for a program called the "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous." That, however, does not mean that he is rich and famous himself. He came to my mansion thinking that he was this great superstar, and I was there to tell him that he wasn't. All he is a servant to people like me in this world. All I ask is that people like Mr. Leach recognize, and accept their role in life. For a moment Mr. Leach forgot his role in life - I just reminded him of it.

VIC: Now, Hunter, this might be a touchy subject, but let's talk about that famous nose, shall we? Personally, I think it's rather distinguished, however, there are those that say - well - you have rather a large honker! Do you care to comment on that?

HHH: These are the same people that eat at McDonalds and use porta-potties Mr. Venom. Their opinion does not concern me in the least! As far as I am concerned - and as far as most of the world is concerned - if they search deep inside their soles for an answer, and not on the surface where the jealous lies, they would see that Hunter Hearst Helmsley is simply perfect. My upbringing is perfect, my genetic disposition is perfect and I am just perfect in every manner!

VIC: OK, Hunter, between you and I - and, I PROMISE not to let this get any further - have you ever gone to a restaurant, used the bathroom, and left without washing your hands?

HHH: First of all, Vic Venom, you not telling the rest of the world? I sincerely doubt it. Telephone, telegram, TELL VIC VENOM - that's how things get around in the World Wrestling Federation! But, that being besides the point, must you even ask me that ridiculous question? Look at me! I am perfectly groomed from head to toe. I have never once done that, and never will do that! My grooming is impeccable! I can't believe you would even ask that hideous question.

VIC: You're right, Hunter. I apologize. Let's forget that question, and move on. Now, I was reading my favorite publication the other day, The National Enquirer, and it stated that you may have been responsible for giving OJ Simpson CLEAN UP tips, prior to his cleaning up his white Ford Bronco - Is that true?

HHH: I take the fifth on that, Mr. Venom. What's your next question.

VIC: Have you ever stolen a towel from a Howard Johnson's hotel?

HHH: Again, what would make you think that a Hunter Hearst-Helmsley would ever stay at a Howard Johnson's hotel? I might own a few and perhaps put my servants up there, but the thought of me even being near one of those repulsive places gives me the chills!

VIC: Last question: When Aunt Leona was doing hard time in the big house, did you at any time attempt to bake her a cake - with a file in it?

HHH: First of all, let me say that was a great injustice perpetrated upon my aun't The American judicial system is jealous -- just as everyone else in the world is - of the Helmsley family! In response to your question, I did not ever attempt to bake her a cake with a file in it! One time one of my servants brought a blow torch into the facility, but that was a complete misunderstanding! He didn't even know how it got into the package he was delivering to her! Also, between you and I Mr. Venom, she never even went to prison. They put her up in a small cottage on the coast of Rhode Island. They just brought her into the prison every now and then to take pictures in order to fool the rest of the world, but she was never ACTUALLY there. Please, whatever you do, Mr. Venom, don't let that get out!

VIC: You have my word, HHH!

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