Disclaimer: Belongs to JRR Tolkein, who was a brilliant author (and still is…well, he sells doesn’t he?) Also to the movie people who came in and well, made a movie strangely enough. I, sadly, am no great director, so credit goes to Peter Jackson for the films…pretty hobbits…

Rating: Lets see – sex, booze, plenty of drugs – hell, I’ll even see if Sauron wants to party on down to some rock and roll. So, therefore, no little kids allowed in – SOD OFF!

Setting: [Think, think] I know this one! [Think, think] oh, could it be Middle Earth per chance? [Grin] But not the nice, pretty Middle Earth where they must only contend against two evil Istari, plus a million zillion orcs – no – this is much worse. We now have [shifty, scared look] those people who get thrown in to make it a little more random. [Horrified gasps from the readers].

Storyline: First thing – this is a *very* old story of mine. One of the first I ever wrote for LOTR – however, it has been revamped. Basically a load of absolute random crap stuffed together in a vain attempt to make something comical. Fun fun…oh, and the songs are just there because…just read it…it wouldn’t be the same without!

~>*<~>*<~>*<~

Alca = me, the author (I know, a self insertion gasps!)

Lesslyn = Lesley – hah, you though you’d get away without being ficced? You fool...

~>*<~>*<~>*<~

Alca: [hic] the free beers were nice…but did they have to be free? [Weaves slightly from side to side along the road]

Lesslyn: that’s why they’re called free, idiot!

Alca: [whines] don’t yell. Ow, my head. [Sits down on the pavement] Hey; the pavement’s wonky…

Lesslyn: Ow…my foot. Get off Alca!

Alca: O.O! Sorry [gets of Lesslyn’s foot] what should we do now? Hmm…

Lesslyn: Let’s see…both completely and utterly underage, with fake I.Ds…and we’ve already finished the boozing for tonight…umm, not much, except maybe a club…

Alca: [hic] Too loud [hic] damn it! I know! [Falls into ditch]

Lesslyn: [points and laughs] you idiot! [Insert evil manic cackling *here*]

Alca: Look [hic] out, a Mr Sutton! [Points randomly behind Lesslyn]

Lesslyn: ARGH! [Throws self into ditch]

Alca: [Snorts] I cannot believe you fell for that.

Lesslyn: Grr! That was evil.

Alca: I learnt it all from you hun!

Lesslyn: Yeah, whatever, lets get outta here. What was your idea?

Alca: Follow me…

~*~

[Lesslyn and Alca go to the local Casino…there they meet the Harry Potter gang. I’m a lazy author…let’s just say they’re hanging out together, ‘k? Well, Alca has the great idea to go to the slot machine]

Alca: Oh, lookie, a slot machine. £_£ Money is fun!

Lesslyn: It’s a casino, and she’s amazed by a slot machine. [Sighs] why do I put up with this? I should have taken that damn job on cheese weekly…stupid Alca…[mutters]

Oliver: Alca? Who the hell is that?

Lesslyn: Her [points at Alca] Dunno what her real name is, she insists on being called Alca, or sometimes-professional hobbik.

Oliver: [Raises his eyebrow] right… Well – uh, OK then. What’s your name?

Lesslyn: Lesslyn, and you’re Oliver [lustful glaze. Leans towards him]

Oliver: Yup, that’s me. [Looks scared.] Uh…nice to meet you, um…Lesslyn. [Shakes her hand]

Lesslyn: [looks down at hand] I will never wash this hand again!

Oliver: O.o

Draco: ^_^ whee!

Oliver: Where’d you come from?

Draco: The happy corner.

Lesslyn + Oliver: [Blink, blink] the what?!

Draco: The happy corner [points vaguely to a load of people standing around not really looking much more than catatonically stoned]

Lesslyn: Wow…I wonder if I’ll get forced to get stoned if I shimmy over – maybe I’ll have that Legolas dream again [happy sigh]

Oliver: O.o So, you get all my hopes up and then dash them by having a fantasy about a guy who doesn’t even exist?

[Sniggers from the readers]

Oliver: Oh, Shut up you lot out there! [Pouts and looks sexy. Lesslyn, in a Legolas lust craze, runs off]

Lesslyn: Byeeee!

Oliver: [Blink, blink] How…odd

[Meanwhile, in the place formerly known as the happy corner, now known as the-]

Audience: For the love of God, just get on with it!

[How rude – fine, in the happy corner…]

Lesslyn: action Legolas dolls are the best, better than all the rest. Gandalf, sure, he’s OK, but only cos he’s so damned gay. Aragorn’s a big meanie, cos he took Legolas away from me. And little Frodo, tree frog head, I’m surprised he ain’t already dead.

Shifty smoker people: She knows the song! We are not worthy oh great happy leader. Here, take it, take it all! [Bow down, and hand Lesslyn a primo set of action dolls for the movies]

Lesslyn: O.O meh? What the heck, thank you my, uh…minions! [Puts them into backpack for later]

~*~

[Meanwhile, at the slot machine]

Alca: Aw, crap! That was my last dollar! Or was it a euro? [Ponders] Damn, bugger, damn it all to hell! [Kicks machine…something falls out] What the hell? What’s that?

Snape: Hello there.

Alca: O.O Snape?! You…OH MY GOD! I love you so much [hugs Snape]

Snape: ? That’s weird…people usually run when I talk to them. [Shrugs, and hugs back]

Alca: ^_^ yay ^_^ never ^_^ going ^_^ to ^_^ wash ^_^ again ^_^

Snape: [Thinks] I have a fangirl…I like it when this author writes

[Yay, he loves me, he loves me and none of you!]

Audience: [readying their missiles]

[Gulp]

Alca: Nice hug…yay

Snape: I quite agree [smiles in that annoying charming way, and you can guess what happens next]

Alca: [faints] Thud – OW!

Snape: oops…

~*~

[Alca wakes up again]

Alca: Shwa? Where am I?

Snape: On the floor where you fainted. [Charming smile stopped just in time by a sneeze – disaster therefore averted]

Alca: It wasn’t a dream [hyperventilates, swoons, giggles all at once] I got hugged by Snape; the best looking guy in Hogwarts hugged me! BEAT THAT!

Snape: [blushes, looks *adorable!*]

Alca: Oh, look, that’s what came out of the machine when I kicked it.

Lesslyn: Why’d you kick it?

Alca: ? Where did you go earlier?

Lesslyn: um… nowhere [holds on tighter to the bulging bag of action dolls, and pokes Frodo’s foot back in] what you kick it for?

Alca: I lost all my money, and then I kicked it, and a ring came out!

Lesslyn: Cool! You gonna keep it? It looks pretty…like real gold!

Alca: Real gold?! That must be worth a fortune. Where’s the nearest pawn shop? (Or should that be porn? [Dirty look])I can take us all to see all three Lord of the Rings movies for twenty or so days solid at least.

Lesslyn: [Looks in awe at the idea of all that Legolas]

Harry: [Appears, pouting as per usual – Draco swoons, and Ron looks protective] No! You must see my movie!

[LOTR, Harry Potter brawl out]

[Half an hour later]

Alca: [Stands up again, straightens her *ahem* clothing, not because of anything other than *ahem* the fight you understand] Fine, I’ll just keep it.

[Collective sigh of ‘thank god’ from all involved]

~*~

[Alca has picked up the ring. The only people still in the casino are the Harry Potter crew, Lesslyn and Alca]

Draco: Lesslyn, do you have to sit on Oliver’s lap; mine’s getting cold [whines]

Oliver: Shh! She’s asleep

Draco: Damn! [Sulks in his sexy Malfoy way]

Harry: I’ll sit on your lap [grins]

Draco: Sod off Harry

Harry: [lip trembles, and runs off – Alca wakes up just long enough to pelt him with kippers]

Draco: [sighs] Ron, over here, and no slugs this time

Ron: [sighs as well] Why am I always slashed?

[Because you’re so *adorable*]

Ron: I know…I know…[sighs, sits on Draco’s lap, and proceeds to look sweet]

Lesslyn: zZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZ

Alca: zZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZ

Snape: Aw crud! They’re both asleep!

Fred: It’s no fun without them awake.

George: Specially the Lesslyn one – she has all those cool action doll things – mind you, I do have my gameboy…

Fred: I thought I told you not to call me that in public!

George: [goes bright red, and holds up a game cartridge] I really meant a ‘gameboy’

Fred: [jaw drops, and falls off stool in embarrassment]

Snape: Well, I think Alca’s nice… [Looks down at Alca] she makes me feel somewhat loved. And she’s got the nifty portable coffee maker

Remus: She loves me too!

Sirius: No she doesn’t, I love you!

Remus: That’s not what Lucius told me

Sirius: [Guilty look]

Remus: You – you – dog!

Sirius: Well, technically-

Remus: Shut up! [Ponces off]

Harry: I’m here too! [Is pelted with rotten fruit] OK, I’m going!

Percy: Charlie, Bill and I are here as well [is very unsuitably dressed when saying this – brothers pull him back behind the bar]

[Looks wistfully at the bar, but dares not go behind it, for fear that will be killed for not finishing the chapter – damn it!]

Audience: [glares]

[Cries – I want slash!]

Other various people who I’ll put in later: AND US!

Snape + Oliver: Shh! Don’t wake them up!

Others: Sorry.

~*~

Alca: [yawn] Trees? PRETTY TREES! What the fuck?

Lesslyn: [rolls over and covers her head with a random arm] Shut up and go back to sleep Alca!

Alca: But, trees! [Stands up and kicks Lesslyn so she has to open her eyes]

Lesslyn: What the fuck? [Stands up, and all the action figures fall out of her bag]

Alca: O.O when did you get those?

Lesslyn: None of your business – oh no, Legolas’ hair! [Cries hysterically]

Alca: Right. [Yells, and wakes up the other various people around] Where the hell are we?

Percy: [More suitably dressed – glasses askew though – wistful…] I dunno – but Fred and George are here too, so at least we know it isn’t one of their pranks.

Alca: [runs fingers over ring found last night] I wonder if this has anything to do with it?

Lesslyn: that’s it! We’re going to look for a fire and throw that thing in!

Alca: Throw it [gulp] in? You don’t think…? [Looks around, and hears that ominous black rider music that she knows so well]

Lesslyn: I fear it…I can feel it in the earth…

Alca: I can smell it in the air…

Sirius: Sorry, that was me

Alca + Lesslyn: [sigh dramatically]

Everyone but Alca and Lesslyn: ?

Alca: [Stretches] can we at least have some coffee first?

Lesslyn: I suppose so

Alca: ^_^ Yay! [Gets out her portable coffee maker, and miraculously makes enough for everyone]

[Many minutes of hyper fun later, Alca and Lesslyn leave the group to look for a fire]

Lesslyn: Where’s a damned fire when you need one?

Alca: [crawling along ground] Must…get…to…computer…terminal…have…to…send…annoying…emails!

Blond ponce: [jumps down from tree and proceeds to look pretty] who are you maidens?

Lesslyn: [falls over backwards in shock] The hair – so pretty!

Blond ponce: You shouldn’t be out here alone, the woods are dangerous. Come, my name is Legolas, I shall take you and your collapsed friend to Rivendell. [Stoops down to pick Lesslyn up]

Lesslyn: [Giggles]

Legolas: Is this one a little strange in the head?

Alca: I always did wonder…wait! We have more friends!

Legolas: More?

Alca: [nods] hang on, I’ll go get them. [Hops, skips and jumps later, she brings them back] Here they are!

Legolas: [surveys the army of people] You travel in rather a large group [blinks a couple of times, Lesslyn squees, and he drops her in shock after she attempts to be his PCG]

[For reference later – PCG – personal crotch grabber]

Alca: [Shakes her head and laughs]

Lesslyn: [moans some more, and stands up] Well, let’s get going to Rivendell then!

Legolas: yes – lets. [Leads the gang, looking fearfully at Lesslyn every so often]

[The ominous black rider music plays yet again]

Alca: [Goes all Frodo-ey, eyes wide and all that innocent, help me crap] I think we need to get off the road.

[No one’s listening]

Alca: I said I THINK WE NEED TO GET OFF THE ROAD!

[Everyone dives off the road, but by some miscalculated leap, Alca manages to jump into Lesslyn, and they land in an unconscious heap]

~*~

Legolas: Will they be OK Elrond?

Elrond: I believe they will. Twas lucky you bought them, the ring bearer could have been killed.

Legolas: She’s so small – like a l’il hobbik

Elrond: Hobbit you fool, this isn’t engrish you know!

Legolas: whoops…

Elrond: You’re 3000 years old dear Legolas, I would expect you to be able to speak without that silly slang!

Legolas: [pouts] I’m still the prettiest!

Elrond: Of course you are. What hoa, I think they’re getting up.

Legolas: Keep the light haired one away from me…

Elrond: [sighs] You’re such a fucking ponce sometimes.

Legolas: [mutters] at least I don’t wear a dress

Elrond: -_- what was that?

Legolas: [innocent look] Oh, nothing…

[Loud thundering on the door]

Snape: Let us in dammit!

Oliver: I need to see my Lesslyn!

Elrond: [blink, blink] they’re almost as bad as those hobbits down the hall…let them in will you? I have some moody looking walking to do.

Legolas: [muttering] still the prettiest, and have to do all the work, low pay…

[The door is opened]

Snape: [rushes over to Alca] My darling, are you all right?

Alca: [fingers curl in the blankets, and she smiles slightly]

Snape: [sighs happily, and is then shocked when she jumps out of the bed and marches up to a mysterious looking camera]

Alca: [pokes camera] You said this wouldn’t be dangerous, you said it wouldn’t hurt!

[No I didn’t!]

Alca: Oh…fair enough. [Goes back and begins to do things to Snape that even a cave troll might find unethical]

Lesslyn: [smiles, and grabs Oliver] She sets me such a bad example you know…but I love it

Oliver: [mumbles through Lesslyn’s ever so passionate embrace] mmhmm!

~*~

What will happen next? Well, I don’t know! All I can say is what I hope will happen [slaver] and here, I am safe from the audience. Thank Christ for small mercies…

So, in the next edition;

Will Remus get wet somehow?

Will Lesslyn and Alca ever wash their fangirlish selves again?

Will we actually get a plot?

Will those action figures get put to good use – like demonstration [evil grin]?

And lastly, for God sakes, when will someone get smuttily and graphically laid?

Tune in next time to find out.

[Salivates] mmm, smutt…

Chapter two

Back to the entrance hall