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date: 5/03 whoa. today was so awesome. it was great. so here's a small summary. i went to the UNT stadium to help heather with her community service hours. i found eli, and her friends and we hung out for a very long time. it was really kick ass. we made up our own drinks..homocide, genocide (also known as holocaust) and suicide. it was kick ass. after that heather and i went to her house for a second, i met her dad, hes a nice guy. we went to ti's house shortly after to pick up alexis. we stayed there a while but i forget why. but i do know that during that, i tasted some of ti's lip gloss that was very sour. i ate too much though and my mouth tasted like shit for a while. we went to taco bueno, we ate. (fuck, i just remember that i forgot to pay keegan back. shit shit shit) anyhow, we went to ashleys house, we stayed there for a long time. keegan came over. i edited jamilas paper. oh so many grammatical errors. it turned out to be more red than black. ashleys mom made all of us watch ashleys little brother. it was fun sometimes but he wouldnt stop crying. than heather and keegan left to heathers house then back to the UNT stadium. Alexis talked on the phone for a very long time. so ashley and i put nikki in the stroller and he stopped crying...miracle kids, a miracle. we walked to the square to blow off time and we talked. it was a great conversation. it was meaningful and actually required thought to be carried out. if the previous sentence made sense that is. oh sense. we walked back to her house, than i decided to rearrange the house for fun. we did. disaster. shortly after heather and keegan came followed by ashleys mom. we left and i went home. end of story. i kinda talked to keegan and im burning a cd of some of my favorite bands for him. he seemse like a really cool kid. possible "friendship" (i seem to be loosing so many of those lately. buieleliueluelu[<-ashleys noise]). so keegan...your money and cds coming date: 4/26 whoa was that fun. i cant believe how fun this whole day has been. I left at 12 pm...get back at 11 pm. hat is ALMOST twelve hours. i mainly hung out with ashli b. and maegan. we walked around and me people and it was great. they're really cool and the three of us are going to hang out more often. i met old ashley at the festival as well. i really dont know what to say. basically, she's changed. not really for the worse, but theres just something different about her that made me think. deep thoughts. thought about how people change, and its crazy. almost everyone has changed. and i really dont like it. but its change and theres nothing i can do about no matter how much i hate and no matter how much i want things to be how they once were. i guess when things like this happen i should just brush away the feelings and meet new people. and those cool kids would be ashli and maegan. i look forward to hanging out with them more often. date: 4/26 going to arts and jazz festival. fuck yeah! can't wait, ima going to hang out with some friends. date: 4/26 awwwwwwwwe. im sad in the happy way. i went to ashli's house and hung out with her and megan and talked for hours. and while over at her house she showed me her photo album and i saw pictures of ashli natalie and me from the good ole days when we use to be like this *interwinds fingers enthusiastically*. and i saw the pictures of her (natalie) and it was amazing. i remember who she was last year and noticed how much her attitude towards everything is. and i looked back, and i cant help but say i really really miss her. i mean, she had this light in her face. where my thoughts of natalie are now dull. i still really think she's cool, but the change is just crazy for me. i dont want her to change, i just want her to be who and what she wants to be. and shes not the same at all. shes really perverted (arent we all though) and im not sure. its not really the natalie i remember from those pictures. argh. i grew tired of looking at the photos so i closed the album. megan, ashli and i retreated to the driveway to just lay on the pavement and stare at the stars. it was awesome. and tommorow im going to hang out with ashley, ashli, heather, magen, keagon, and some others. oh, almost forgot, i went to this garage band thing. it was the epitome of lame. but it was kind of fun mainly because some of my buds were there. i saw ti play. shes gotten good emo-wise that is. unfortunately after she finished, she and robbie decided to leave. i really didnt expect her to stay. I might see her at the arts and jazz festival, doubt it though. at the garage thing keagon and i agreed that the "gathering" was lame. so we shook hands. heather and I shook hands. dustin refused to shake my hand. its not like my hand is encrusted in jizz...or is it. i know ashley enjoyed it. im rambling now, but i find it quite fun and interesting, which is my cue to leave. oh, and i hate jamila. later kids. date: 4/24 Sometimes I try to do things
And it just doesn't work out the way I want it to. date: 4/23 "dont hate me because im ugly, hate me because im ugly"...something i found that somebody wrote on my backpack. im still trying to figure out what it means or what message the writer was trying to put out. no matter, im sure it took a lot of thinking. date: 4/21 just a regular boring day with the exception of my outburst on jamila of course which is something ive been waiting to do for wuite a while. i would imagine its better telling it to her face as opposed to saying it behind her back and then lying to her face when she confronts me (which she often tends to do). im glad i shouted at her face and i heard some interesting shouts back. one of which was "you're a compulsive liar. even your best friend thinks youre a liar. yes, natalie." i guess by telling me this over and over during our arguement, she was trying to drift the attention away from herself and onto natalie. well jamila, natalie and i arent that good of friends as we used to be, therefor i dont really care what she thinks about me or says about me behind my back. and me? the compulsive liar" you're the manipulative little sneak who lied in order to create turmoil between forrest matt and his little posse against others (including me). youre also the one who tried to get heather and ashley mad at eachother for no reason. and this time did you get your ass caught. i only wished to know why you did this. but i dont care either way what you do now. all i can say is that i think you betta call tyrone. and ask him to come and help you get yo shit...but you cant use my fone. date: 4/18 nothing much, just felt like writing something. my parents yelled at me today. i forget what for. i guess it doesnt matter anymore. still feeling a bit down. dont know what to think. i read my journal entry from last nite and thinking i would regret my words, i still feel the same way. im going to work out, that always gets me feeling good date: 4/18 im really depressed today. and i have been for the passed 2-3 weeks. i feel abandoned and alone. i really hate the feeling. i feel vulnerable. i know its all my fault im depressed. i feel alone, and as if i could aspire to nothing. i dont even have a life goal or dream. i dont even know what i want to be, i dont even have a talent or special something. i feel really shitty. i feel abandoned, ditched. and im really tired of living. i really see no point in going to school, or doing my homework. useless. alone. abandoned. depressed. ahh, the many great feelings of this wonderful life. i dont even know where im getting at with writing in this. i keep thinking im going to be judged and criticized by anybody who is going to read this therefore im afraid to write how i feel. though i doubt very little people read this. the little people that know i exist. haha. its great isnt it? i think the reason for these feelings is because ive always had somebody there, somebody to care for and recieve care from. somebody. im sure the start of my depression began when natalie and i broke apart. i guess she just became self involved and was too preoccupied to care for anybody but herself. but im in a class with ashley, p.e. she is awesome. i love her as a person. then she leaves. my only real friend. everything goes downhill from there. seeking somebody i find a cool friendship with jessica, but i guess i took it to seriously and that we werent as good of friends as i thought we were. there's claire, but we were never spectacular friends to begin with either. and on top of this, i felt that i have achieved nothing in the entirety of my life. i have extremely low self esteem. i cant even stand myself at times. im an accident ready to happen. or am i just being a drama queen. i considered that and tried to accept it as a reason for this state of mind. but if i were creating this for the drama, why do i feel so horrible? why do i have these feelings? why do i sometimes just lay on my bed staring at the ceiling of my room waiting for nothing. almost like waiting for something thats more than nothing. wow, thats it. something thats more than nothing. because im nothing and i need something. so something. ive noticed ive been slacking off on my homework as well. i have no desire to at least try sometimes. i remember me liking homework. i dont even know what the hell this is. i need to stop typing. im scaring myself. later. date: 4/17 so im eating a slice of turkey interwined with a slice of ham. and she tells me with with a tone of authority "you can not eat meat tomorrow" after asking her why she explaind the meaning of good friday and told me that by eating a slice of ham or any other form of meat im eating jesus. right. so, jesus' decomposed body lies a mile beneath the earth's surface some place in israel or wherever and eating a piece of ham from wal-mart on friday is sacreligious. so its a figurative thing? well virgin mary died sometime as well as jesus, does that mean we cant have sex on her death day? oh well. ill try not to eat jesus kids. date: 4/17 i feel great. ive been working out for like 2 hours (taking a break to write this), and nothing makes me feel better than pumping iron. today was boring as usual. nothing ever spectacular happens in my life. when will i ever be satisfied... anywho im going back to work out. peace...love...exercise date: 4/16 i chatted with rusty quite a bit this evening. he is a really really cool guy. we're trying to get into the same psychology class together next year. our conversation was probably the most eventful part of my day. i was invited to this math thing for some reason. i dont want to go. but i have nothing better to do. *shrugs* date: 4/14 awwwwe, my puta and rusty (we're cool now. i drove him to blockbuster. hot.) are dating. how fun. meanwhile check out the dazzling menus all of which contain lollies follies and lick'em lollies. sorry! sorry ma man! ugh, chris tucker is freaking amazing. that man is genius. anyhow claire and i hung out mostly all saturday and all sunday and she is my really good friend now. but i got her mad at me when i called rusty from her cellfone twice. puuuutaaaaaaaaa. rusty thought it was funny. and so did i. cayate puta. date: 4/13 Just got back from a long day of job hunting all by myself. I can't help but say it was horribly unsuccessful. I know I spelled successful wrong, or at least i think i did. anywho, last nite was wicked fun. matt, rusty, claire, ashley, ashli, alexis, heather, megan, and i hung out for the longest time just messing around. it was so awesome. but the moment was unfortunately spoiled when jamila came along and brought about her 'hanis bitch' attitude. i swear, it made the rest of the nite hell. if you want to hear why and how or whatever keep on reading. but if you dont, you can stop reading, which i doubt you will do. okay, so she came over with her boyfriend and everything was cool. we were inside having fun and heather falls into a bad/sad mood because something happened involving keagan and other people that i dont wish to get into because its not my business and i dont know half of the story. unlike me, jamila cant let a piece of juicy drama drop. she follows heather and talks to her and little to everyone's (except jamila's) knowledge, she decides to start problems. she tells heather that ashley was talking to ti about heather and keagan and spreading stuff here and there. not true. the whole nite, I hung out with ashley and she did not mention a thing about keagan. ashely could never talk about anyone, she is too cool. =). not only does jamila try to ruin heather's friendship with ashley, she also tries to ruin my relationship with natalie. date: 4/11 I am super tired, just put up the site, im off to bed |