Even his crap smells like potpourri!

The arch-enemy of the deep-fryer speaks his mind on life, women, and the pursuit of booty. Joe "$" sits down to answer some questions...

Joe teaching a lesson on civil discourse

Q.) Let's get this question out of the way early: Are you a breast man or leg man?

A.) Perhaps because I was not breastfed as an infant, I am more drawn to breasts than legs. Or maybe its because I was legfed as an infant....I don't want to answer any more questions.

Q.) What is it about wine that you believe it be so superior to beer?

A.) Can you drink beer directly from a box? Does beer (aside from a keg) come with a spigot? Can you use a corkscrew to open a beer? Do you get aggravated when someone answers a question with a question? Do you?

Q.) What is your favorite 1980's sitcom character and why?

A.) Blanche from the Golden Girls...because she was a whore.

Q.) Who has better style: The Pillsbury Dough Boy or The Oven-Mitt from Arbys?

A.) Personally, I think the Hamburger Helper oven mitt could teach the Arby's mitt a thing or two about fast, nutritious meals for dual income families. Although my mother loved her family, so she didn't cook Hamburger Helper, but I bet yours did!

Q.) If you had a million dollars what would you blow it on and why?

A.) I'd blow it on 40 Dodge Caravans, because mini-vans are fresh, and who wouldn't love having 40 mini-vans? That's like 240 cupholders!!

Q.) How does it feel to have lived in a single for the first semester?

A.) Disappointing because I failed to adequatley utilize it....I hope Brendan is a sound sleeper.

Q.) Follow up question: Have you broken your own personal whacking record for most times in a semester this fall?

A.) I think that goes without saying.

Q.) If you could dress any animal up to make it look attractive what kind of animal would it be and why?

A.) A duck-billed platypus...because everyone knows duckbilled platypuses have great bone structure.

Q.) What do you think Santa's favorite beverage of choice is?

A.) Bourbon...because that Mrs. Claus can be a frigid old bitch.

Q.) Jenna Jameson or Tera Patrick? and why?

A.) Tera Patrick hands down....well one hand down. Much hotter and since she's less of a whore, there's less of a chance of me feeling sexually inadequate and/or sexually dissatisfying.

Q.) Juan has taken Dan hostage in his room and gives you an ultimatum of either making yourself some french fries in the deep fryer or allowing Dan to die.. what do you do? (Making french fries in the deep fryer will let Dan live...also me, steve, and brendan have already been killed)

A.) I put on my haz-mat suit and begrudgingly make the french fries. The I open every window, causing the heat to approach 80 degrees, and spray ineffective air-freshener throughout the townhouse. Then I have all of my clothes professionally dry cleaned. And then Dan gets me dibs on any girls on the track team I want. And he has to buy me lunch whwnever I want. And Salmanson does not count. Then I go upstairs and play with my new stuff.

Q.) A member of the football team just hit on your girlfriend in front of you, now she's flirting back... What do you do?

A.) First, I pinch myself....I have a girlfriend? I'm getting laid tonight!! Then I lure the football player into our kitchen where the deep fryer resides (because black people LOVE fried food), then I regroup and come up with a new plan.

Q.) Tell me something interesting about yourself...

A.) Hotdogs are delicious. Hotdogs!

Q.) When you finally leave this world of Bryant what do you want your legacy to be?

A.) I want to hold the record for cleanest male bathroom at Bryant University, with the fewest pubic hairs on the rim of the toilet.