The Legend of Zelda is a powerful story about a young man who embarks on a quest to save his Homeland of Hyrule from the forces of evil. But don't take this from me, you have to read the Incredible intro to really comprehend the scope of this masterpiece.

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Although the game calls those flashing triangles Triforce. When my uncle used to play this game, he'd refer to it as enchanted cheese. You would kill all the monsters that stole the enchanted cheese, then take the cheese to the princess where Link would share the cheese with the princess and live happily ever after. That was what I told my class at show and tell when I brought over my Zelda cartridge and wondered why nobody knew what the hell I was talking about. So...Link does not get any Cheese, nor does the Princess. But the Triforce gives you the ability to wish for as much cheese as you want! Oh YES! Cheese ROCKS!(On another note I also believed it when my uncle said that Mario threw boogers at enemies instead of fireballs, But I would probably have flipped upside down and fallen through the floor if someone threw a damn glowing booger at me!)

So you take the role of Link who sports a loud green suit with a matching hat and set forth to do good. Your first stop is this old man's house which contains no furniture and not even a floor but two campfires bigger than him.
Even though you are destined to save the land, this old fool believes you can do it with a wooden sword. For crying out the hell loud, you're expected to slay a dragon with something that can barely cut grass?
After taking the sword, the old man disappears quickly leaving you looking stupid while holding a wooden sword the old man probably took from his grandson after he hit his sister with it. Your first enemies include giant octopuses, large jumping spiders, ugly faces that spit glowing mothballs. The game manual makes up a bunch of names that would probably make more sense if you took out all the consonants and said the word backwards. Although Link looks a bit heavy he can quickly stick his sword out which is very important in games like this.

Link, aside from sporting a lime green outfit. Can also carry other things which usually consist of giving this guy (who shares the same fashion sense as you, since he changes his outfit color whenever you do) a ton of Rubies(Rupees, Rubes) for some overpriced weapons. He then quickly disappears just like the old man that gave you the shitty sword. Then when you come back he has the same overpriced crap you bought earlier.

Bombs: Link puts these on the ground, they blow up, sometimes if an enemy is retarded enough it will sit next to the bomb, probably mistaking it for food or an oddly put together sex toy.
Arrows: Link uses the sharp edges of the Rupee(Ruby) to make an arrow which doesn't work without a bow. If you can't find the bow, you probably couldn't find the power button on the NES.
Candle: After getting ripped off by the same storeowner with no furniture. Link can throw fire everywhere to burn down trees and find secret passages. Soon people everywhere thought they could burn down trees and find hidden passageways that led to fortune or another heart container. That is one explanation to why Tree Burnings have increased 50% over the last decade.
Boomerang: I was never good with a boomerang, I would watch people like Link throw them so well that it would return to them even if they left a building or jumped out of a grave. Usually when I throw a boomerang it ends up through a now broken window or in another yard.

The coolest thing about The Legend of Zelda(Besides Link's funky red suit and drowning in the riches of 255 Rupees) is the fact that you can snag a totally cool Pepsi can from none other than Pepsiman himself! First you must take your Zelda cartridge and smack it with a wooden hammer while reciting the second verse to Prince's "1999" single. Then after 3.5 strikes, take your Zelda cartridge back to the store and ask for a full refund. Ignore all the collectors willing to pay $500 for the game cartridge. After you get a fresh new copy of The Legend of Zelda(provided you could find someone stupid enough to give you their game). Plug it back into your system and then beat it(The game, not yourself) with both eyes taped closed by the Mario/Zelda bandages that were discontinued back in 1988 mainly because they were known to cause blindness. After you beat the game you will see this awesome picture translated really badly into Spanish and then written into English. But if you take the bandages off your eyes, the game explodes. When you feel you have found Pepsiman, shout really loud to get the attention of a family member or a friend so he or she can take a picture of this glorious event. If they don't see the picture, they'll just sit and laugh at you with bandages over your eyes.

FINAL SCORE: 10/10

Reviewed by: Gabriel Jones
"It's a good thing I own more than an owned owning own."