Please do not steal/plagurize
All my life of 19 years I always knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a scientist. I had everything planned out to the finest details. I had my story down cold for family reunions and high school guidance counselors, to make such awkward conversations as quick and painless as possible.
I didn’t just dream up this plan to satisfy relatives and school employees, mind you. I more or less dreamed it up to satisfy my own self-delusions. I wanted to be important, and one philosopher’s words fulled the fire of those delusions. As far as I was concerned I was going to use his philosophy to become a big important somebody, that people would model their lives after. All that from me because of a man named Dr. Robert Baker.
Dr. Baker was born a certain genius, but no one really knew that for a awhile. No one knew that he was into heavy philosophical thinking, before he grew pubic hair. In fact before he entered any secondary schools he’d already developed his own theories that matched those of communism, utilitarianism, and everything Plato had to say about anything.
Baker was really disappointed when he got to high school and started reading. He could read three hundred pages in an hour and by the tenth grade he realized that all these ideas he planned to introduce to the world were already taken. Needless to say this had a serious impact on the rest of his life.
When Dr. Baker grew up and went to Harvard and Yale and got some degrees he decided to do some writing. Because he faced such harsh revelations in his adolescence, Baker’s philosophy was a result of that enlightenment. Baker wrote a lot of books and articles and papers, and gave a lot of lectures that basically said the same thing. That thing was this: Everything that can be thought has already been thought. There can be no more philosophy so why continue to think up philosophies. Baker felt that the only way to expand knowledge was through natural sciences, and experimentation. He thought that there was no sense in discussing or investing in any idea that couldn’t be proven.
I was really into that crap until about a week before my nineteenth birthday. Right up till then I was pretty sure that Baker was the smartest man alive. I still think that the smartest man dead is Benjamin Franklin. When Franklin was alive, he believed that was a lot more thought to be thunk, and wished he could have been part of the thinking. “I begin to be almost sorry I was born so soon, since I cannot have the happiness of knowing what will be known a hundred years hence,” Franklin once said.
Benjamin Franklin is important because the real smartest man alive agrees with me that Franklin was the smartest man who ever lived. I met the real smartest man alive about a week before my nineteenth birthday, which if you were paying attention is the approximate time I changed my outlook on life. I assure you, this is not a coincidence.
I was a Freshman in college, studying Biology. That was part of my plan. In high school I got ahold of one of Baker’s books, and decided to become this scientist, who would be all important as I explained before. I wound up changing this plan as I drove across the country with the real smartest man alive, whose name is Jack Dexterion.
Anyway, I was still into this hooey while a freshman in college when I came to meet the smartest man alive. I didn’t know right away that he was the smartest man alive. Actually I didn’t believe him to be quite that smart at all when I met him. I thought he was pretty ridiculous.
I guess that’s the deal with real smart people, they’re too busy being smart to come up and tell you their geniuses. They really don’t care if you think they are, and some don’t even know, so you have to figure it out for yourself. I definitely had to figure out this fellow named Jack Dexterion.
Jack did eventually turn out to be the smartest man living on the planet. There were quite a few, including Franklin, Mark Twain, and Albert Einstein, dead on the planet that were smarter, but that was their business. Jack had the most direct influence on my life, so we’ll talk about him.
I learned just how smart Jack was as we drove across the country traveling to one of the prestigious Dr. Baker’s lectures in Phoenix, Arizona. Jack and I were taking turns driving his old Volkswagen Jetta to Arizona. He was going to visit family, and had no interest in seeing the person I considered to be my mentor.
The two of us didn’t know each other very well, so the first day of driving didn’t involve too much conversation. When we did get around to talking, I started to think I was in the company of a text-book, honey roasted nut.
The first thing Jack did to earn a place in the snack food counter of my mind was criticize my Biology homework. I was catching up on my History of Science reading in the car, and Jack, who was driving, began to ask questions.
“What are reading about?” he asked me.
“Darwin, and the theory of evolution.”
“What do you think of that?” he said.
“What’s that supposed to mean? I think that evolution is a result of those species best adapted to their environment surviving in favor of the weaker animals in the species. Thus, the species evolves and adapts. There is nothing else to think”
“I didn’t ask you what the book says,” Jack replied, “I asked you what you thought of it.”
“That is what I think. In fact, why would I think anything else.”
“Because you were never taught anything else. Don’t you think it’s possible that life could have evolved in another fashion.”
“What are you trying to tell me, that God is responsible for all evolution, and that scientific evidence is nothing. I’ve heard the religious schtick before, and you can sell your bibles to another lonely house wife, cause I’m not buying it.”
“Well, I certainly can’t say that God isn’t a possibility, I really don’t know what happened, because I wasn’t there for the bulk of it, but I find it hard to believe that you just openly except what you’ve learned as truth. It’s certainly a very flawed theory with some gaps.”
“What are you talking about? the bulk of the scientific community accepts Darwin’s theory as the basic explanation of evolution, why the hell shouldn’t I?”
“I’m not saying you shouldn’t.”
“Then what the hell are you saying?”
“I’m saying that nothing is certain.”
“Well, all I know is that this theory has been around for over a century, and no one’s come up with anything better, so I’ll just stick with that.”
“Oh now you can’t do that. Look, you don’t know what happened any better than I do. For all you know, someone could come along next week and explain this matter in a way you never thought possible. He’d make it sound right, and then you’d have to take his word for it for the next century. He could be wrong or right, but someone would find the logic and the experiments to prove that guy wrong. Look at modern physics. Every time someone comes up with a new theory to explain the universe, scientific evidence backs him up for so long, until someone else can prove his theory better. You have to question everything these days.”
“So I’m just not supposed to believe this at all then. I suppose I may as well ignore it,” I said in a huff.
“On the contrary. You do of course need to learn it, so you can question it. As far I’m concerned the world needs to be understood, and then questioned so that it can be changed.”
“Why should the world be changed?”
“Because without change, the world as we know it will continue exist, and if that is the case, God help us all.”
Dr. Baker wasn’t a big God fan. He didn’t believe in organized religion, and he seriously doubted the existence of a supernatural force science couldn’t explain. In his second book, “Thought’s End: The Progression of Physical Cerebism,” Baker stated that, “Any world created by a supreme being would not have allowed the sciences to disprove the existence of that supreme being. There is too much conjecture among the created to acknowledge the existence of a logical controlling force capable of devising laws and granting salvation.”
Physical cerebism is Dr. Baker’s nifty way of stating that thought is finished. It means that all new thoughts are left to scientists to prove based on what they already know. Because Dr. Baker didn’t believe in salvation, he felt that man needed to make his mark while living, so that eternal life could be granted through one’s legacy. So, for a physical cerebist to have a legacy, he would need to prove thought through existing natural sciences.
That’s why I wanted to be important so badly. I wanted a legacy, both before and after I died. That’s why I’m so glad I picked the smartest guy alive to drive to Arizona with with.
Even though Jack was the smartest man alive he, like every human being that ever existed, except for Winston Churchill and Socrates, made bonehead mistakes in his life. Jack’s big mistake came years before he met me.
At one point Jack was a very rich man. He used his intelligence to build a fortune in Real Estate. At one point he used his massive net worth to purchase an island from the French government. Now, because the French are horrible whores who only know self-preservation, once they sold Jack this island they left him with know means of protecting it.
Now this is where the bonehead mistake comes into play. Jack liquidated the remainder of his assets and moved to the island by himself. He stockpiled all of wealth on this island, but had no means of protecting it.
Well, I don’t have to tell you that Tuscan pirates soon captured Jack’s island, and fortune. He tried to fight them off with his shotgun, but his dream of living as a rich, old hermit wasn’t meant to be. The pirates cast him off the island on a small wooden raft. He was fortunate to make it dry land, and returned to the United States. Jack was thankful to be alive, and didn’t want to face the embarrassment of explaining how he’d lost his fortune, so he told his family he’d become a philanthropist, and let the money go.
When Jack told me this story as we pulled into a rat-trap motel on the second day of our trip, I was certain he was loony toons. I mean Tuscan pirates. Hello! I assure you, however, that this story was true, he proved it to me later.
That night as we prepared for bed I made what I though was a bonehead mistake. For the second straight night Jack was going to bed without brushing his teeth. After the pirate story I really shouldn’t have asked, but I did.
“Hey, out of curiosity why don’t you brush your teeth? Did you forget to pack a tooth brush or something?”
“No, I just don’t brush,” Jack said in his annoyingly deadpan manner. I just had to pry beneath the surface of this one.
“Wow, I bet you get a lot of cavities,” I said.
“Actually I’ve never had one. I go to the dentist once a year to get everything looked at, but I refuse to listen to his instructions.”
“Why would you question your dentist of all people?”
“Think about it,” Jack explained slowly. “Dentists rely on repeat business. They need to see you twice a year, and maybe a few more times if they’re going to pay the bills. They need you to get cavities. They need to do fillings and caps and root canals. The worse off your teeth are, the more money they make.
“They’ve got the shadiest operation going. There’s no way I’m going to listen to the guy who thrives on my discomfort. As far as I’m concerned dentists have no reason for you to have perfect teeth your whole life, so why would they give good tooth care advice. Just remember, things may seem one way on the surface, but when you dig down a level you see man’s true ugliness. That is why I question the dentist.”
This may sound crazy, but this is when I really began to understand what this guy was all about. Suddenly he seemed little less like a nut, and little more like a curious man who did things his way. I could respect that.
The next two days in the car, Jack dazzled me with his outlook on life. He probably raised a million questions about a bunch of things I’d never thought to question before. He explained that the hole in the ozone layer was actually a normal function of the globe, and made a convincing argument to can all this hippie Earth Day business. He told me why he doesn’t recycle, and he showed me why I shouldn't believe everything I read in the newspapers, and saw on television.
Over those two days I began to see Jack as a normal, quite sane gentleman. He even talked with me about women. Even the smartest man alive couldn’t seem to figure them out though.
“Do you have a girlfriend?” he asked me.
“Sort of,” I replied, “Nothing major or serious, just this one girl I’ve been seeing.”
“Is she good lookin’?”
“No, I tend to prefer, gross, ugly skanks,” I lashed out sarcastically, “In fact I’m a big fan of fat, slobby women. If she’s ugly and fat, I’m all over that. Especially if they’re bald I –”
“All right! I’m sorry,” Jack said, “I should have assumed that you’d found the Posh Spice of the East Coast. Anyway, how is that working out?
“Not particularly well, you know how women can be. I’m happy with a loose relationship, nothing to serious, but she wants to register at Tiffany’s. I mean I’m not even nineteen. I can’t figure her out at all. I never know what she wants.”
“Son, all I can tell you is that women are indeed the world’s greatest mystery. There has never been a woman on the history of this planet that ever wanted exactly what you wanted exactly when you wanted it. Then again, they are women, who have a certain way of making men think they can have whatever they want whenever they want it. Just remember that whatever your instincts tell you when you’re dealing with women is absolutely wrong. That will help you at least rule on one of the many possibilities.”
“You sound like you’ve been down this road before.”
“I’ve never been successful with the females. I just play my cards until I run out of luck and move on to the next table.”
“Well my main problem with this girl is that she doesn't agree with my plans for the rest of my life.”
“What are the plans for the rest of your life?”
This was something I’d been afraid of. I knew Jack might have a problem with Dr. Baker’s theory. You see when I first got together with Jack to make this trip to Arizona I didn’t really explain who Dr. Baker was, or why I was going to see him speak.
The two of us connected back in Boston as a matter of pure coincidence. The two of us were trying to get bus tickets to Arizona for this very trip. We visited the local Greyhound station on the same day at the same time. After we learned what a horrendous bus trip the Boston - Phoenix route was, we met and decided to make the trek in Jack’s Jetta.
At that point I had no idea who this guy really was, other than the fact that I trusted his motives. He needed to see his family in Arizona, and he didn’t want to travel alone. I needed to get to Phoenix, and right then I didn’t care.
Now all of a sudden my life was being called into question. Everything I’d ever planned, my reason for this trip, my family reunion story were all being called into question by this brilliant man, that I didn’t even know.
I told him about Dr. Baker. I explained Physical Cerebism and the reason I wanted to be a scientist. I told him how my dream was to be important, in life and in death.
“Let me get this straight.,” Jack said when I finished explaining, “You’re going to build your life on the principles of a man who thinks that humanity has run out of original philosophical thought?”
“Well, yes,” I squeaked.
“Why on God’s green Earth, would you want to do a thing like that?”
“Because I want to be important.”
“What is so important about being important?”
“I just think that I’ll, you know, be a better person, that way.”
“You know something,” Jack told me, “being important is not the slightest bit important. In fact being important isn’t always necessarily a good thing. You don’t need to be an important person to be a good person. And as far as there being no more thought to think, that is the craziest idea I’ve ever heard in my life. There are things floating around that you and I couldn’t possibly dream of. Life is an ever-expanding adventure that reinvents itself to man day after day. Man cannot run out thoughts. He can only stop thinking, and when man stops thinking, then life’s mystery becomes irrelevant, and man ceases to exists.
Jack’s words cut through me like a knife. They opened my eyes and made me realize what a fool I’d been. I never gave this philosophy serious thought. Once I’d sold myself on the idea I was done investigating it, and now I was thankful that Jack had showed me the error of my ways when I still had a chance to change my life.
“Are you really passionate about science?” Jack asked.
“I don’t know. What, well, how would I know?”
“What stirs a fire in your belly? What is the thing that you do, that makes you the happiest? Do you want to be a scientist, or is there something else?”
“You know, I think there is something else for me I replied. I want to be a printer. I would to do type setting, and inking, and make newspapers and flyers, and stir up feelings in other people. I want to be a PRINTER! Yes, just like Benjamin Franklin, the smartest man who ever lived.”
“Hey, you think Ben Franklin is the smartest man in history?”
“Uh, Yeah.”
“Me too, that’s pretty odd.”
“Hey, great minds think alike.”
“I guess you’re right,” Jack said.
So my life’s plan was altered irrevocably at that point. I never got to see Dr. Baker, but of course I didn’t need to. Jack had set me straight. He did give me one last piece of advise before we parted ways, though. It was the same thing the head pirate told him before they sent him out to sea on his small wooden raft. The head pirate who referred to himself as Matthew the Red quoted Mark Twain. “There comes a time in every rightly constructed boy's life when he has a raging desire to go somewhere and dig for hidden treasure.”
Jack took that as an excuse from the pirates for taking his treasure, but I take it as a guarantee that life is full of desirable treasures, and that one’s passions will dictate his life and his quest for happiness and fulfillment.
If there is one thing I have learned, it is that Jack was right when he told me that man wasn’t done thinking. As I print out flyers and pamphlets and papers with all the concepts you could imagine I know that Dr. Baker is the only person done thinking. Man cannot stop the thought process, for that would strike out his very soul and the reality within him. So I’m thankful that my life changed the week before my nineteenth birthday, it made the wish that much better as I blew out the candles that March in Arizona.
