Previously on Flaming Eggplants - 2000 - 2002
Okay, here's the old stuff for 2000 - 2002 For reasons that have slipped my mind, but must have
seemed important at the time, these appear in reverse chronological order. Deal with it.
April/May of 2002:
Today's Horoscope and Weather Forecast:
Today will be a lovely, sunny day, unless, like me, you are currently sitting in an apartment with no
windows, in which case the day will be fairly dark, and virtually indistinguishable from any
other day -- or night, for that matter. Not that I'm bitter. Today is a good day to look around
your house, apartment, or residence room, announce in a loud, confident voice: "Today, I am
going to clean up this pigsty," and then settle yourself firmly on the couch with an entire tub
of ice cream and a spoon. At least, that's what I'm planning to do. Today's lucky number
is best transmitted psychically, and I'm thinking it at you right...now. Got it? Good. Today's
colour is teal, and today's snack food that tastes really good until you eat too many and then you
feel sick is sour patch kids.
I am currently sitting in my new, windowless apartment, and actively avoiding unpacking my belongings.
They are sitting accusingly all around me, in boxes, bags, suitcases, etc, but I will not give in.
I haven't updated my webpage since the last time I had major work to avoid, and this state
of affairs simply cannot be allowed to continue. I hear your expressions of gratitude even from here
and they are truly moving. Thank you.
Quite a while ago, possibly December of 2001:
Today is a good day to panic. Try running around in circles, waving your
arms and screaming, "Oh, my God, I have so much work to do, and it will never be finished!"
This method has worked well for me lately. I find it also helps to mutter things like
"...deadline tomorrow...someone signed out all the books...so many pages to write..."
and so forth. Today's exam-studying and essay-writing snack is chocolate covered coffee beans
washed down with Jolt cola.
Today's nervous tic is a slight twitch in one eyelid. Beware of smug people who have already finished all their assignments and studying, as you may be forced to kill them with a stick.
In case you haven't guessed, it's exam time, and things are getting pretty exciting around here. I, of course,
am dealing with the fact that I have an exam tomorrow for which I have not yet studied by taking this time to update my webpage.
It's important to have priorities. After this I may bake cookies. I'm thinking of putting up a list of ways of dealing with exam stress, so if you have any suggestions, please e-mail me. Be creative!
Sometime later than January of 2000
Today will be a day. Yes, I'm almost certain of it. The stars are quite clear
on this point. Beware of any food which requires three or more people to identify.
Remember, laugh and the world laughs with you. Grin maniacally, and the world remembers
it has to be somewhere and edges away slowly. Today's lucky number is twice the square root
of negative zero. Today's semi-obscure but still fairly cool novel is Infinite Jest, by David
Foster Wallace. Today's internal organ is the spleen.
January of 2000:
Today is a good day to have something waxed, dyed, or pierced. Tattoos
are also an option, although you might want to reconsider that "I Love the Backstreet Boys"
concept. Today's semi-obscure but still unbelievably cool band is the Paperboys.
Your lucky number for today is one less than the number of beers that would actually
cause you to pass out. Today's colour is fluorescent black.
Questions, comments, ransom demands?
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