HSN
Recently I contracted some sort of cortex-melting brain disease and consequently suggested to myself, ?hey self, it?s three in the morning? what the hell should we do? How about watch the home shopping network!? The product which they choose to promote on this particular night was the ?Be-Dazzler?.

At last my dream has been realized! This was a hand held rivet gun that was used to attach shiny pieces of plastic to whatever article of clothing you saw fit. Who in the name of all that is Holy bought the "Be-Dazzler"?!?! Those "As Seen on TV" style ads have hocked a lot of vile shit onto the American public in the past but even the most abhorrent fever dream of Richard Simmons is nothing compared to the Be-Dazzler. The fucking product might as well have been called "The Clothes Ruiner" because that was all it accomplished. Got a perfectly good t-shirt? Run the Be-Dazzler over it a few times and you can cover it with thousands of faux-metal stars that make your bloated torso look like the underside of a patriotic turtle. Jean Jacket not white trash enough? Cover that bitch up good in multicolored plastic beads. Hey check this out, I spelled my fucking name out on the back with "gems" and now people think I'm rich! Yeah, I've got a whole bank vault full of stupidity because I won the fucking moron lottery. Thank you Be-Dazzler for saving my sex life!

I cannot even fathom heavily medicated grandmas buying into the "Be-Dazzler" concept and they're the most gullible demographic on the planet. Well, here?s to the slack jawed, 900 pound, swamp-water hillbillies that will relish the new found ability to make their wardrobe shiny. I?ve been thinking about this damn thing so long that my head feels like it?s about to explode, and I?d better lay down before it does. This place is dead anyways.