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my diary
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These are my thoughts written down on paper...
Friday, 17 June 2005
Feelings
Mood:  lyrical
Now Playing: tears in heaven - eric clapton
Topic: life
Well ive been thinking agen, which I hate doing cos it rele fucks ur judgements up and makes u feel sorry for urself but hey every human does it, self pity tht is, u cant help but think ur life is shit at times and tht it will never get better even if u know it will deep down which some wud say it very stupid, I get like this sometimse when my mom goes away and leaves me in the house on my own and I hate been on my own at the best of times, ive never liked to feel alone, the feeling of lonliness is my worst fear but its makes me think when im alone, I know im a deep thinker and so many ppl tell me so, I rele don’t know wether I am but either way I guess I do think about everything ppl say or do or the way they act with me, which is why im so sensitive, I used to be rele hard and lack emotions but now ive found love, ive found my emotions agen, which isn’t a bad thing, infact its great cos I hated not been able to care for anyone in a way they cared for me, but now I understand, I never used to cry, it wud take so much to even make me feel pain, I just cudnt cry, but now I cry way too easily, which is better I guess…anyways point in typing in here, im bored rele and have nothing better to do all weekend while my mom is out agen *sighs* what I rele need is to be older then I cud just do what I wanted when I wanted then I wudnt have to worry about whether my mom was in or not, its even fucking worse not having any sound in the house, its dead, which makes me panic and shit…grr well I think im guna write a shitty depressing poem or something cos im tht bored… here it goes:-

She sits crying on her bed
Was is all the feelings in her head?
She doesn’t know who to trust
Was all this just feelings of lust?
She starts to get angry and punches her wall
Bleeding hands she begins to fall
She screams out to him
Was it because im not too slim?
She didn’t understand what he meant
Was it all in that letter he sent?
She grabs the gun from off the floor
Bang bang shes gone forever more…

Posted by Charli at 11:22 PM BST
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Monday, 23 May 2005
sat in my room
Now Playing: eminem - hailies song
Topic: life
well ive been off skool and bored as per usual, i went out to meet my mom at lunch time cos we'd sorted some of the stuff out and were alot easier atm, but its still hard work, it feels better tho but yeh, im just talking to the usuals on msn and just thinking about things, but im bored so i thort id post something random on here, which is cool i think...




but yeh i think i shall stop posting poetry and leve u to go back to ur exciting lives.

Posted by Charli at 7:23 PM BST
Updated: Tuesday, 24 May 2005 8:02 PM BST
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Sunday, 15 May 2005
eminem
Mood:  lyrical
Now Playing: eminem - hailies song
Topic: interests
well yeh this is all about eminem n today ive had a bit of an obsessive day about him, ive been listenin to two of his songs all day constantly n i love them so much, theyre so sad and here a re the lyrics to them basically, read them , theyre rele clever n sad, they always make me sad n think about how his daughter must be feeling n stuff...

+ hailies song

Yo, I can't sing it
I feel like singin'
I wanna fuckin' sing
Cuz I'm happy
Yeah, I'm happy
Ha Ha
I got my baby back
Yo, check it out

Some days I sit, starin' out the window
Watchin' this world pass me by
Sometimes I think theres nothin' to live for
I almost break down and cry

Somtimes I think I'm crazy
I'm crazy, oh so crazy
Why am I here, am I just wasting my time?

But then I see my baby
Suddenly I'm not crazy
It all makes sense when I look into her eyes

Somtimes it feels like the world's on my shoulders
Everyone's leanin' on me
Cuz sometimes it feels like the world's almost over
But then she comes back to me

My baby girl [Hailie laughs] keeps gettin' older
I watch her grow up with pride
People make jokes, cuz they don't understand me
They just don't see my real side

I act like shit don't phase me,
Inside it drives me crazy
My insecurities could eat me alive

But then I see my baby
Suddenly I'm not crazy
It all makes sense when I look into her eyes

Somtimes it feels like the world's on my shoulders
Everyone's leanin' on me
Cuz sometimes it feels like the world's almost over
But then she comes back to me


Man, if I could sing, I'd keep singing this song to my daughter
If I could hit the notes, I'd blow something as long as my father
To show her how I feel about her, how proud I am that I got her
God, I'm a daddy, I'm so glad that her mum didn't abort
Now you probly get this picture from my public persona
That I'm a pistol-packing drug-addict who bags on his momma,
But I wanna just take this time out to be perfectly honest
Cuz there's a lot of shit I keep bottled that hurts deep inside o' my soul,
And just know that I grow colder the older I grow
This boulder on my shoulder gets heavy and harder to hold
And this load is like the weight of the world
And I think my neck is breaking should I just give up,
Or try to live up to these expectations?
Now look, I love my daughter more than life in itself,
But I got a wife that's determined to make my life livin'hell
But I handle it well, given the circumstances I'm dealt
So many chances, man, it's too bad, coulda had someone else
But the years that I've wasted are nothing to the tears that I've tasted
So here's what I'm facin':
3 felonies, 6 years of probation
I've went to jail for this woman, I've been to bat for this woman
I've taken bats to peoples backs, bent over backwards for this woman
Man, I shoulda seen it comin', why'd I stick my penis up in?
Woulda ripped the pre-nup up if I'd seen what she was fuckin'
But fuck it, it's over, there's no more reason to cry no more
I got my baby, baby the only lady that I adore, Hailie
So sayonara, try tomorra, nice to know ya
My baby's travelled back to the arms of her rightful owner
And suddenly it seems that my shoulder blades have just shifted
It's like the greatest gift you can get
The weight has been lifted

Now it don't feel like the world's on my shoulders
Everyone's leanin' on me
Cuz my baby know's that her daddy's a soldier
Nothin' can take her from me

Woo!
I told you I can't sing.
Oh well, I tried
Hailie, 'member when I said
If you ever need anything, daddy will be right there?
Well guess what?
Daddy's here.
And I ain't goin'nowhere baby
I love you! (kiss)

+ mockingbird

Yeah
I know sometimes things may not always make sense to you right now
But hey, what daddy always tell you?
Straighten up little soldier
Stiffen up that upper lip
What you crying about?
You got me

Hailie I know you miss your mom and I know you miss your dad
When I'm gone but I'm trying to give you the life that I never had
I can see you're sad, even when you smile, even when you laugh
I can see it in your eyes, deep inside you want to cry
Cuz you're scared, I ain't there?
Daddy's with you in your prayers
No more crying, wipe them tears
Daddy's here, no more nightmares
We gon' pull together through it, we gon' do it
Laney uncles crazy, aint he?
Yeah but he loves you girl and you better know it
We're all we got in this world
When it spins, when it swirls
When it whirls, when it twirls
Two little beautiful girls
Lookin' puzzled, in a daze
I know it's confusing you
Daddy's always on the move, mamma's always on the news
I try to keep you sheltered from it but somehow it seems
The harder that I try to do that, the more it backfires on me
All the things growing up his daddy that he had to see
Daddy don't want you to see but you see just as much as he did
We did not plan it to be this way, your mother and me
But things have gotten so bad between us
I don't see us ever being together ever again
Like we used to be when we was teenagers
But then of course everything always happens for a reason
I guess it was never meant to be
But it's just something we have no control over and that's what destiny is
But no more worries, rest your head and go to sleep
Maybe one day we'll wake up and this will all just be a dream

Now hush little baby, don't you cry
Everything's gonna be alright
Stiffen that upper lip up little lady, I told ya
Daddy's here to hold ya through the night
I know mommy's not here right now and we don't know why
We feel how we feel inside
It may seem a little crazy, pretty baby
But I promise momma's gon' be alright

It's funny
I remember back one year when daddy had no money
Mommy wrapped the Christmas presents up
And stuck 'em under the tree and said some of 'em were from me
Cuz daddy couldn't buy 'em
I'll never forget that Christmas I sat up the whole night crying
Cuz daddy felt like a bum, see daddy had a job
But his job was to keep the food on the table for you and mom
And at the time every house that we lived in
Either kept getting broke into and robbed
Or shot up on the block and your mom was saving money for you in a jar
Tryna start a piggy bank for you so you could go to college
Almost had a thousand dollars till someone broke in and stole it
And I know it hurt so bad it broke your momma's heart
And it seemed like everything was just startin' to fall apart
Mom and dad was arguin' a lot so momma moved back
On the Chalmers in the flat one bedroom apartment
And dad moved back to the other side of 8 Mile on Novara
And that's when daddy went to California with his CD and met Dr. Dre
And flew you and momma out to see me
But daddy had to work, you and momma had to leave me
Then you started seeing daddy on the T.V. and momma didn't like it
And you and Laney were to young to understand it
Papa was a rollin' stone, momma developed a habit
And it all happened too fast for either one of us to grab it
I'm just sorry you were there and had to witness it first hand
Cuz all I ever wanted to do was just make you proud
Now I'm sittin in this empty house, just reminiscing
Lookin' at your baby pictures, it just trips me out
To see how much you both have grown, it's almost like you're sisters now
Wow, guess you pretty much are and daddy's still here
Laney I'm talkin' to you too, daddy's still here
I like the sound of that, yeah
It's got a ring to it don't it?
Shh, momma's only gone for the moment

Now hush little baby, don't you cry
Everything's gonna be alright
Stiffen that upper lip up little lady, I told ya
Daddy's here to hold ya through the night
I know mommy's not here right now and we don't know why
We feel how we feel inside
It may seem a little crazy, pretty baby
But I promise momma's gon' be alright

And if you ask me too
Daddy's gonna buy you a mockingbird
I'mma give you the world
I'mma buy a diamond ring for you
I'mma sing for you
I'll do anything for you to see you smile
And if that mockingbird don't sing and that ring don't shine
I'mma break that birdies neck
I'd go back to the jewler who sold it to ya
And make him eat every carat don't fuck with dad (haha)

yeh well i hope u get something out of reading those lyrics, just think about how u wud feel like in those circumstances, its sad aint it?

Posted by Charli at 10:42 PM BST
Updated: Monday, 23 May 2005 9:45 AM BST
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rory
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: mockingbird - eminem
Topic: life
well this is pretty much a follow up from my last post rele, i came back from adams after a gud day out n i got home n i felt kinda crappy, so i went into the kitchen n stephen was moaning at me for wanting some food :( so i sed look man forget it n he started screwwing at me for been rude so i turned n wlked out the front door n ran n my mom followed me n grabbed hold of me n wripped my shit fave shirt n so i punched her n she let go n then stephen grabbed me n was screwwing n i just started to scream n cry n they both grabbed hold of me n pulled me into the house n then stephen sat there screwwing at me n calling me a spoilt brat n an attention seeker n a loser etc n my mom just stood there n agreed with him n sed yes charlotte ur making a big deal out of nothing weve done nothig wrong now wats botehring u n i was like its nothing ffs n stephen wudnt believe me so i just in the end got up n walked upstairs n went into rorys room n he looked upset so i sed come here n he came over sat on my lap n started cryin which made me cry more n we spent ages cryin about how fucked up everything was for both of us, n if u odnt know rorys me lil bro n hes not liked much by the others n hes always getting left out n me n him get on rele well so but anyways after we stopped cryin we started tlkin about wat was up with eachother n it was like his mom was lying to him n mine was hating me n his dad was leaving him out n mine was been ok but hes never rele botherd n it sucked cos we both realised just how upset eachother was then rory went and had a bath n i had a beer to try n calm myself down n then we both went into our bedrooms n i came on the computer n tlked to chloe n a few other ppl but yeh thats about it rele...nothing new :(

Posted by Charli at 10:12 PM BST
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Friday, 13 May 2005
how i feel
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: avril lavigne - together
Topic: life
well this song is exactly how i feel with my mom n shit so yeh check it out:-

nobodys fool - avril lavigne

Fall back
Take a look at me
And you'll see I'm for real
I feel what only I can feel
And if that don't appeal to you
Let me know
And I'll go
'Cuz I flow
Better when my colors show
And that's the way it has to be
Honestly
'Cuz creativity could never bloom
In my room
I'd throw it all away before I lie
So don't call me with a compromise
Hang up the phone
I've got a backbone stronger than yours
La la la la la la
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la

If you're trying to turn me into someone else
Its easy to see I'm not down with that
I'm not nobody's fool
If you're trying to turn me into something else
I've seen enough and I'm over that
I'm not nobody's fool
If you wanna bring me down
Go ahead and try
Go ahead and try

You don't know
You think you know me like yourself
But I fear
That you're only telling me what I wanna hear
But do you give a damn
Understand
That I can't not be what I am
I'm not the milk and cheerios in your spoon
Its not a simple hearing but not so soon
I might've fallen for that when I was fourteen
And a little more green
But its amazing what a couple of years can mean
La la la la la la
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la

If you're trying to turn me into someone else
Its easy to see I'm not down with that
I'm not nobody's fool
If you're trying to turn me into something else
I've seen enough and I'm over that
I'm not nobody's fool
If you wanna bring me down
Go ahead and try
Go ahead and try

Go ahead and try
Try and look me in the eye
But you'll never see inside
Until you realize, realize
Things are trying to settle down
Just try to figure out
Exactly what I'm about
If its with or without you
I don't need you doubting me

If you're trying to turn me into someone else
Its easy to see I'm not down with that
I'm not nobody's fool
If you're trying to turn me into something else
I've seen enough and I'm over that
I'm not nobody's fool
If you wanna bring me down
Go ahead and try
Go ahead and try

La la la la la la
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la

Would you be laughing out loud
If I played to my own crowd
Try

yeh so thats how i feel, basically like my family are changing me to suit them and i guess its fair enuff but my mom at the moment doesnt care about anyone else apart from her life with stephen and his perfect kids...its not fair, ill never live up to their standards and i have to for my mom to like me and do stuff for me, she cant even be arsed to stay in with me, and ive missed so much of skool and it fucking sucks :( its rele getting to me, shes making my home life hell, i dont even wanna be with her anymore and i love her to bits but i cant stand her anymore, he's changed her for the worse and now shes not the momi had a few yrs ago and i want her back, shes just came in my room now and moaned at me blaming me for ruinging things in her life, ive done nothing wrong, im just been me, and i guess that is the problem, so now its like i change and be controlled by stephen or i move in with my dad and dont change and live in shit with hardly andything and be pretty much happy, also if im with my dad hes never there so ill be left on my own and i dont want that, id get so lonly and im already badly anti social and i know for a fact i wudnt get up for skool or anything so my skool wud just fuck up completely like it pretty much is now, im missing skool bcos im upset...how lame, im just not happy at home, im only happy when im out and with adam and my friends or on my own which is sad, and i dont want it to be like that, stephens just dumb and if he thinks hes going to ruin my life then hes got another thing coming cos im not a fool like my mom, ill stand up for myself.

Posted by Charli at 8:51 PM BST
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Friday, 6 May 2005
babies
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: nothing
Topic: life
yeh well i was bored and i was thinking about babies...(as u do :S) and i was looking on google for some cute baby clothes and i found these sites full of rele cool baby clothes and then i was searching for cute pictures of babies and these are some i found...





hehe arent they just adorable? well i think so anyways :p awwww i want one lol babies are soooo damn adorable but yeh ill stop talking about them now :D

Posted by Charli at 4:01 PM BST
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Thursday, 5 May 2005
things i want to achive in my life
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: nothing
Topic: dreams
well i was dreaming last nite about things that i wanna achieve in my life and i thort i u mite be interested to know some of them...
- to have a family and children and make them happy
- to stay with the one i love for as long as i live
- to get married to the one i love
- to make the one i love happy to be with me
- to lie on a hill at sunset with the one i love
- to make my mom proud by doing something great
- to be there when my friends need me most
- to never lose contact with my best friends
- to be able to play my geetar and other instruments rele well
- to be able to sing or at least sing in front of ppl
- to get rele gud a blading and be able to go into epic and show off
- to invent a cartoon character
- to be in a band and be recognised
- to go on a road trip with my mates and ppl
- to go to canada and go snowboarding
- to beat lee's record of 17 bowls of weetos
- to be in a movie
- to meet brian shima
- to meet matt bellamy
- to own every kind of extreme sport games there is
- to own a golf gti and modd it so it looks like my car off nfsu2
- to buy an apple mac computer
- to collect all the albums of all the bands i love
- to get a heartagram tatood on my wrist
- to get the bottom of belly button pierced

Posted by Charli at 1:33 PM BST
Updated: Friday, 6 May 2005 3:48 PM BST
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Wednesday, 4 May 2005
a new home for my diary
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: nothing
Topic: my diary
well as youve probably noticed i havnt written in my blog for months and as i have just made this new site i thort it wud be a gud place to carry on with my live journal so yeh here it is...

Posted by Charli at 11:46 PM BST
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