Cause I threw you the obvious.

The person that wrote the following just might very well be my favorite person in the whole world.

-windows open as is the sun roof, wind rushing though my hair.

"you don't, you don't, you don't see me"
-pedal is forced to the floor

"you don't, you don't, you don't see me"
-swerving to avoid the slower traffic

"you don't, you don't, you don't see me"
-the roaring engine twisting my insides, griping the wheel tighter

"you don't, you don't, you don't see me at all....."
-needle points at 120 and shakes passed, fighting to keep eyes from tearing,
while a blissful grin is visible on my face

Holy shit, I love driving.

By the waterside I will lay my head.

Last night I dreamed I lived with Paulette and her family when her kids were really small. The family had just moved into a new house up the street from where I grew up and I walked up the street to the new house. The family had dinner and hung around the livingroom a bit and then I decided to go upstairs to find my bed. Each room upstairs was seemingly gigantic and they all had huge doorways one opening into the next. In each room was a beautiful bed and they had each been made and laid out with the pajamas and blankets and pillows for their owners.

For some reason I was the first to bed and I wandered through each room. The first was a crib and noticeably Justin's bed. The next was a full bed and I thought sure that would be mine but when I got to it Nicole's nightgown was waiting for her. Next I found Paulette and Bobby's bed, and then finally I found the last bedroom. I surveyed the room thinking how it would suit me fine and then I remembered Jared and realized it was his room. I retraced my steps to be sure I hadn't missed anything and then it dawned on me there was no bed for me. I felt abandoned and then just resigned myself to the fact that it wasn't my family afterall and surely their own family would come before me. It was then that I saw Paulette come up the stairs with an apologetic look on her face. She started to say she was so sorry and I just told her that if she wouldn't mind I would like to sleep on her couch until I worked something out.

I woke up then and I lay in the morning sun with a sadness and loneliness so weighing my heart that I felt it hard to move. I realized that my whole life I've been looking for a family. I've tried and tried to find a family to somehow become a part of but the more my life goes on I just simply keep losing more and more of what family I did have.

And the heavens open every time she smiles

Yesterday I walked across campus to the gym and as I left the building the cold hit me and it froze all the thoughts in my head into a solid weight that was hard to bear. I wanted just to go home and yet I kept thinking that if I went and did my swimming I'd feel better and it would break up and float away like it always does. As I got near the gym I saw a mom and her little girl, the child with a big yellow umbrella that looked like it might just carry her away if the wind changed quickly. I put my head down fearing that the mom was one of my old workstudies who liked to talk away at me and be really friendly when I wasn't feeling particularly friendly. I got closer trying hard to be unnoticeable when I heard the mom say something to the girl and then across the wind I heard the girl giggle in a torent. Her laugh was so sweet and so deep and so honest that I had to look at her. The mom was smiling at me and I realized I was avoiding someone I didn't know. The girl she laughed and laughed and laughed a mad rolling giggle that took every bit of her at that moment. I realized that I need to be that simple. I need to not let my pain and my worries make me hold my head down. I need to feel a giggle to my toes, one that consumes all of me.

Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited...It is never rude or selfish It does not take offense, and it is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins but delights in truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.

~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Been down so long it looks like up to me

I spent four days or more in tears. I can't even come close to figuring out why. All I know is that I have this desire for so much and feel like it's all been done before. If I look long enough for a reason there's always mom... there's always thoughts of her not being here, Pa not being here, and not being able to talk to them again. I just get tired of pinning all of my sorrow on that. I know when I feel this way, I want something that no one else can seem to give me and yet I still look to them all in expectation. It's hard for me to realize sometimes that my needs are actually what push people away.

Yesterday a friend told me my father told them how I was smart and I realized moments later that this shocked me. Not that I expect him to speak poorly of me, but more like I don't expect anyone to recognize the bits of me I hold valuable.

And he reaches for her side, for any sign of her that lingers

I ache for shared silence, not the awkward lulls in conversation where we reach for something, anything, to cover the tension of trying to be with too much of the other and too little of ourselves, but the moments of fullness that let each of us unfold and know who we really are. I long for silences with another where there is nothing to forgive or explain or justify, where we agree to abandon ourselves or each other, the silences where no one asks me to choose between belonging to myself and being with the world. And when these silences come, I feel how I am working my way home through whatever they hold- terror or tenderness, grief or celebration- spiraling even closer to a sweetness I have ached for all my life.

No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

A year ago, I got a call in the late evening. It was my mother. "Tam" she said, "I'm in the hospital, can you come now?" I flew from my seat and drove as fast as I could. When I got to her room, I found her in the bed sitting up with her knees tucked to her chest, my father at the end of the bed. She smiled to me as she could, half of her mouth numb from the bell's palsey that she'd come down with. She asked us to sit and then she said, "I've found out that it's cancer."

The doctor gave her 6 months and I remember feeling outraged at the way she had found out, wheeled into a corridor, given her chart for safe-keeping while they tried to figure out where she should be, reading it herself, alone, knowing before anyone could tell her. I was mad that a different doctor had said to my father coldly that people just don't survive this. I was numb, I didn't think it was real, I knew this wasn't happening, and then... I remembered the dream. Before my grandfather died I had the dream of him in an elevator. An elevator that turned so you had to side-step to remain vertical. An elevator with a red door. I knew that the dream I had of him last year with my childhood toys and the red door meant that my mother was going to die.

A year goes by so fast. I think of all the small things that just drift in and fade away within a year, I think of the people I loved, the people that hurt me, the friends that had faded and I think It's just another year. Then, I think of my mother a year ago in her hospital bed, scared, strong, hopeful, and sick. I think of the time I had, from then till May, and I find my worst fears have come true, I wasted the time. I like to think I was there all I could be. I like to think I helped by taking in my Nanny. But, I'm only left with the wish that I could just pick up the phone one more time and have her make me feel ok. I'm only left with the thought that I'd like to go one more time with her to the state fair, one more thanksgiving, one more christmas, one more birthday, one more day.

A year goes by so fast. In less than one I've lost my Mom. I know some people lose their loved ones instantly, in car wrecks, plane crashes, heart attacks. Still, the time it goes so fast that it's unfathomable.

Shine

I can see it in your eyes, what I know in my heart is true
that our love it has faded like the summer run through
so we'll walk down the shoreline one last time together
feel the wind blow our wondering hearts like a feather
but who knows what's waiting in the wings of time
dry your eyes
we gotta go where we can shine

Don't be hiding in sorrow or clinging to the past
with your beauty so precious and the season so fast
no matter how cold the horizon appear
or how far the first night when I held you near
we're gonna rise from these ashes
like a bird of flame
take my hand
we're gonna go where we can shine

For all that we struggle
for all we pretend
you know
it don't come down to nothing
except love in the end
and ours is a road
that is strewn with goodbyes
but as it unfolds
as it all unwinds
remember your soul is the one thing
you can't compromise
step out of the shadow
we're gonna go where we can shine
we're gonna go where we can shine
we're gonna go where we can shine

(and look, and look)
Through the windows of midnight
moonfoam and silver

-David Gray

Lord knows I've paid my dues, getting through

Last night I spent hours with a friend of my mother's. He was an anesthesiologist and then did some home nursing and ended up taking care of my grandfather. He and my mom have been good friends since then. Now he owns a New Age bookstore. He and his wife, they have insight about things that I can't describe. Last night, as I was about to go.. he sat me down and told me things I needed to hear.

Sometimes, I cowered in his judgement of me. Sometimes, I felt comforted by the straightforward way he told me what I needed to hear, and in the end, I felt lighter. He hugged me then, strong and hard and something happened to me so strong that it felt physical. I felt as though he had forcibly dislodged some sort of blockage inside me. People say your energy flows through chakras, I'm not sure if I believe that. If it's true, though, last night I had mine cleaned. It all broke loose and as soon as it did, I felt energy coursing through my veins, full of life like my very blood.

I woke from this trance i've been in for so long. I realized that none of this is mine. I'm paying the price for someone else's bill. The worst part is that I never was asked to, I never had to. I just did, I just volunteered and took my place in the grand scheme of the screenplay that is my family life. I realized last night that I was actually doing wrong by trying to help. I'm just getting in the way of how things should be.

I woke this morning, and I did things I enjoy, things I haven't enjoyed doing in a long time. I cleaned the house and tinkered with small things I used to enjoy, I took care of myself, I spoke about how I felt. I felt good. It's time for me to let go.

Holding back the years, thinking of the fear I've had so long

I walked through the door, and Bill was there, setting up. I noted that he had a chairs on both sides of him, a few extra mics, and more floor space than usual. He was working on the board, and didn't see us come in, and I didn't seem to know anyone there. I made my way to the back and got a carrot juice, feeling pretty nervous and out of place. When I came back, Bill saw me, and came over with his friend, asked me to go outside with them. We got down the alley and he introduced me to his friend Adam and pulled out a flask of whiskey and we all toasted and had a shot, and then he leaned towards me, and said, "That chair to my right, that's yours".

We went back inside and suddenly I felt panic set in. I went back to my table and juice and sat. Three chairs, one for Adam, one for Bill, and me? I usually stand, I don't know what we're even going to play, I don't know a lot of his songs, I dont' even know what Adam does, I'm going to make an ass of myself, all these things and more circling around my head over and over until I nearly ran away.

Billy sat and played and I didn't know what to do. I noticed that Adam was also sitting back so I just sat there listening and waiting for when Adam went up. He played a few songs, and I noticed that they were some of the ones I actually DID know. I waited nervously and then Billy introduced Adam. I was relieved, realizing that he would call me up and I wouldn't have to go on my own. They played through several songs, Adam playing a steel slide guitar which was absolutely beautiful. I looked up at one point and I saw someone come in I know. I realized it was Lincoln and soon I caught his attention and waved and he came over. I was really happy that he was really cool to us. Billy said, I'm going to play another, take a break, and then I'll bring out my secret weapon. He asked me to go outside again, and I expected some crash course on what it is we would be doing. Nothing, no clue. We came back and he set up, cajoled once again about his secret weapon, and played another few songs without Adam, and then said, "ok, it's time for the secret weapon", and called me up.

Secret Weapon? Nothing like a little pressure when you don't have a clue what you're doing. I sat with him nervously, and he started to play. Of course, I didnt' know the song. He did the first verse, and I realized that I did know it afterall. It was a song Jeff Buckley had redone, and the chorus was here, and I was able to pull it off. Just a simple one word chorus and I went in with a simple harmony for just that, since I didnt' know the lyrics. Soon I felt better, the music came around and I knew what to do. I sat for some songs that I didn't know, and Adam came back, filling in where I couldn't. Bill asked me what I wanted to sing, and I picked the Birthday song. He agreed but wanted to play Into the Fall first, since they went together. I closed my eyes and listened and then it all hit me. The further I look, the more I see. It's not easy to live honestly, it's not easy to love you from here Adam was playing against Bill beautifully, and I seemed to be finding the harmonies well. I was instantly relieved and we sang several more until we had to wrap it up so they could close up. After packing up, we all decided to go out and have a beer, and Lincoln joined us also.

In the bar, Bill came to me, and he said, "Tam, the hallelujah, it was so beautiful." I was amazed. You mean the first song? The one I didn't know? A few minutes later Adam came up to me and said the same thing. He asked me who I was singing with and I said, "uh, no one". He was sweet to me, telling me I had to get in a band and start singing all the time. Later Reg told me that he had a conversation with Bill where he told Bill that I was nervous because I didn't have a clue what to do. Billy told him that was the reason he loved me. He said, some people can sing as a learned response, true tones, correct breathing, doing what they're told. Some people can pick up harmonies with the right person, and can practice until it's perfect, and some people can sing from their heart, knowing what fits where and feeling where the music is going. He said he loved because I sing from my soul and I can do anything.

I talked with Lincoln for awhile. I tried to explain to him how bad I felt for taking sides with Sue when she moved out of their apartment. He told me that I didn't have to feel bad, and he never thought I had wronged him. We talked for a long time about the whole thing. He told me that the day she left, he had placed a dish in the sink and gone back downstairs to play drums when he heard a lot of noise coming from the livingroom. He went back up and found her throwing around the furniture around and trashing the place. He said it was the last they had talked. He told me about how she wanted to fight with him, make him feel bad about who he was, and make him feel like he was doing her wrong. I felt my heart tighten up as I realized that it was exactly the same. I just kept saying, "me too, it was like that with me too". Finally, he said, "I don't know why she'd want to fight with you guys, you've always been the nicest people I know". Then, he went on to say nice things about her. He told me she was the best roommate he ever had and that he wished that she could have talked about the problems she was having with him. And so, I sat listening to someone so kind, fair, and mild mannered be nice to me and then Sue. I realized that he was one of those people you seek out in life, one of those people who are truly good inside. I felt ashamed for believing the things she told me about him and somehow using that as judgement when I saw him. I looked at him with a vision clouded by the things that she had told me. I realized that we all had our turns, she did it to Dave, and then Bill, and then Sean, and then Lincoln, and then me. And here we all were, all still friends. Funny how those things work out. I pulled on my hat, hugged everyone, and smiled to myself as I drove home.

here child
run through years
see a color and dance
hear a secret's song
tell time how to leap
life feels a summer season
year a week
rise with this minute
love like wet rain
sip your day like deep red wine
be you

Don't let it bring you down, it's only castles burning.

What is it that's mine? I lay claim to it all. I want, I want, I want, I want, endless and ever searching. Insatiable I crave more and more and I feel an abyss. What is it about my soul that wants so much? Want that stretches so deep into my bones that I can feel the ache gripping my heart. I smile with the face of fortune and weep with a heart of pain. I'll run, i'll run it all away. I'll watch each step, I'll feel each breath. I'll run faster the more it hurts, I'll run with every muscle, every tiny bit of me. I'll run until i'm free.

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Dr. Maya Angelou

When I'm sad she comes to me with a thousand smiles she gives to me free.

Today I took my mother to see Maya Angelou. I thought of Jacqueline and all those things their family used to do, like when we went to see James Taylor with her mom. I sat in the audience and something strange came over me as I heard her speak. I could feel other people. It made me see how I've closed off so much of myself to people. I get so tired of interaction, but I realized today that in denying myself that interaction, I've truly missed out. I thought of Glad. I've not known many people like her, I've not had many friends that make me feel the way she does. When I see her, she smiles. People like to be in her company. She hurts like I do, she cries like i do, she sees people doing wrong and speaks up, she doesn't get taken advantage of. And yet, she is warm, and friendly, and sometimes she makes me wish that she were my family. She makes me feel like I'm special. She tells other people about what I do well. I listened to Maya talk about how far your influence reaches, how your touch ripples through countless people, and I realized that I don't want to grow old like my grandmother. When I am an old lady, I want the will to live. I want to have a reason to wake up and I want to want to see people.

Is this desire, enough?

We left at noon, drove an easy five hours, and hit Jersey, all the way down the Palasades Parkway and across the river from the most spectacular skyline in the world. I took my time, planned the tunnel, and got nervous as everyone told me not to drive through Manhattan. I hit the Lincoln Tunnel, and it was all exciting, and stressful, and amazing. I cut off two buses to get to where I needed to be, and I blew out of the tunnel and cut off another bus and hit the off-ramp, and landed exactly where I needed to be. 5 o'clock rush hour traffic and I was 2 hours early. Well, you can't park on the streets of Manhattan in most places before 7, so, it was pay 25 bucks for a garage, or keep driving. I drove all of Manhattan, Madison Square Gardens, Empire State Building, World Trade Towers, Times Square, Garment District, Diamond District, Grand Central Station, and just about anything else I could drive by. I was thoroughly unimpressed, Reg however, was gawking like a school child. I parked for free on the street, not 100 feet from the theater.

We went in and it was an old elegant opera house, and I was impressed with the crowd. All very cool people, and a wide variety of ages, genders, nationalities, and attitudes. We picked our seats and I waited what seemed an eternity until the opening band took the stage and finally finished the set. And then, there she was. For all these years, and all the people I've seen play, and all the music I'd heard of hers, I always thought I would never ever get to see her play live. And there she was.

She opened with a song I had never heard and managed to play three others I had never heard her perform before. She played songs from every album and had an amazing bass player with her that played cello and keyboards and some oboe type instrument. At one point, there were three guitarist, PJ, and the bass player all going off in an incredible jam. But the show stopper, the part where I broke the seats I was jumping up and down on, ...Live...Accoustic...Solo....Rid of Me.

People in the audience were in tears at watching her rip out song after song, as was I. And although I know not a lot of people appreciate her music...at that moment, she was a goddess. Rock and roll supreme in the flesh, embodiment of all that is soul and blues, and everything beautiful in music. Nothing I've ever seen can or ever will beat her. Not even the view of the lit skyline upon driving out of the city and towards home.

nothing left but blood and fire

I've been thinking a lot about what it would mean to lose my mother. I've realized that I harbor this great amount of resentment towards my father. For the same reasons I don't speak to my grandparents, or any of his family really. When around them, I can't help but feel that I don't exist. In the past two days, I've seen a humanity in my father I've never seen before. He's asking for help, he's lost and he doesn't know now what his life was supposed to mean. At the same time, here is a man watching his wife get diagnosed with a terminal disease and be handed a death sentence, and his concerns are all about himself. He says, "I've worked hard my whole life to retire and travel and do what I want, and now I'm not going to do it alone". I know if my mom dies, not only will I lose her, but my father will leave my grandmother with me and sell the house and move to Florida. I'll lose it all in one stroke. He says he won't. My grandmother told me that he's already said he will.

The landslide brought me down.

My mom went in the hospital a few days ago. She started losing her hearing in one ear a few weeks ago. After that, her face started to go numb, and she finally ended up with Bell's Palsy, which is a numbing on half of the face. In the course of treatment the doctor gave her cortizone which caused her to bleed internally and be admitted to the hospital. She was in the hospital in May, and they told her she had the start of an ulcer and cut down the stress and watch her diet. She came home and ate a taco and got in a fight with my grandmother.

After two days of testing, and a few wrong MRIs and catscans, an orderly came to get her to take yet another MRI. Mom told him that he was wrong and she wasn't scheduled, and he argued with her. Finally she gave in and just went. He wheeled her down to the basement testing labs where she wasn't scheduled. He handed her her chart and left her sitting in the hall for an hour while he tried to figure out what in the hell he was doing. She opened her chart and read that she had advanced stages of stomach cancer which was spreading to her liver.

My mom called, and asked that I came to the hospital so that she could talk to me, and I knew that it was bad. I knew it was bad because of the dreams I've been having of my Grandfather. The last time I had them is when he found he had an aneurism and was bed-ridden for 2 years following his surgery until he finally passed away. They told me, and my dad said they gave her six months to live.

I just don't know what to do or say, just..
I'm not ready to lose my mom.

Tell me everything I'm not but please don't tell me to stop.

Softly fading into consciousness I heard the breeze pushing the chimes against each other, lilting through the window. I stretched, pushed my face into the pillow, and ran my fingertips up the nape of my neck into my hair. Still damp from the night before, I pulled the tie out and let it fall down my side. The smell and feel of it, soft and silky across my skin inspired a craving to have someone run a hand through it and crush it to me. I felt the breeze brush across my hips, belly and nipples. Sadness welled up in my chest and I pulled the quilt around me, pushed down into the featherbed, and drifted back to sleep.

Looks Like Rain

I woke today...
And felt your side of bed
The covers were still warm where you'd been layin'.
You were gone...
My heart was filled with dread.
You might not be sleepin' here again

It's alright, 'cause I love you.
And that's not gonna change.
Run me round, make me hurt again and again.
But I'll still sing you love songs
Written in the letters of your name.
And brave the storm to come,
For it surely looks like rain.

Did you ever waken to the sound
Of street cats makin' love
And guess from their cries
You were listenin' to a fight?
Well, you know...
Hate's just the last thing they're thinkin' of.
They're only trying to make it through the night.

I only want to hold you.
I don't want to tie you down.
Or fence you in the lines
I might have drawn.
It's just that I've gotten used to
Havin' you around.
My landscape would be empty
If you were gone.

Words by John Perry Barlow
Performed by Bob Weir and Ratdog

I'll still sing you love songs.

It was a beautiful day yesterday, clear skies and sunny. We woke and took our time getting showered and dressed, got in the car and made our way west. I worried about the car, feeling it sputter here and there and about halfway I was close to turning around and coming home. I kept going though, mostly because I didn't want to disappoint Marty. A carload of deadheads passed us, and I realized that they were the only ones I had seen. I remembered what it was like seeing a show ten years ago, car after car with windows full of sticks all along the thruway.

We pulled in the park, and there was a huge line. I assumed it was people going in the amusement park, but most cars veered and went for the concert parking. We drove in, and here were vendors, not as many as the old days, but people were cooking and selling dyes and jewelry and drawings. We made our way to the gate, and there were just a bunch of kids in line, waiting for tickets and for the gates to open. I walked to the will-call booth, and showed my license, and the girl handed me free tickets and my back stage pass. All I could think was, back in the day, I would have peed myself to have this opportunity.

Making our way through the ampitheater, there were 3 points at which our tickets were checked in order for us to get closer, and then finally the backstage pass. I came around the stage and out into the backstage area, and for a moment I couldn't believe I was there. A row of tractor trailers lined the back of the stage and there were about 7 tour buses parked inline. A huge tent was filled with picnic tables for eating the catered food , a massage chair, ping-pong table, and a make-shift living room with couches and a television. We were in awe, this was a seperate world we had never known existed. It made everyone's fantasies about being backstage somehow funny. This wasn't a drug induced haven where the rock and roll stars were shooting heroin and screwing groupies. This was simply a home away from home. A girl came out from one of the buses in a short black velvet skirt and thigh-high leather boots. She stuck her tounge out and raised her hand with the "rock-on" gesture. We laughed and Reg said, "now THAT's a groupie".

Carl Denson's Tiny Universe took the stage at that point, and we wandered back out front to check them out. Sean and Wendy were in our seats when we got there, and Marty was sitting with them. We all hugged and caught up and Carl's band was amazing. I hung out backstage for the most part. Mostly because I could, and also because I could have free drinks there, and a comfortable place to sit. Rusted Root finally took the stage, and I went around the side to see them from the front. To my surprize, the entire ampitheater had filled in and the lawn was full. The entire crowd was bouncing and I found it hard to remember a band that I had seen move an entire crowd of people to their feet like that. I looked to the stage to check out the band, and there was the "groupie" singing for Rusted Root.

I came back, and Bob Weir was standing in front of his bus, watching me walk towards the tent. I smiled and he nodded, and I felt like, what exactly is someone supposed to say to Bob Weir? "hey man, I was a deadhead forever, I love you!"?...nah, I think not. I decided it was best to let the guy be, in a way, pitying him for having to deal with people like that all the time. I hung with Marty, and it was surreal. He showed me the buses, production offices, and how things work backstage.

Bob walked past, and onstage, and we watched from behind the stage, maybe 25 feet from him. From here you could feel what the musicians feel when the crowd goes crazy. From a stage this big, it hits you like surf pounding ashore. We watched his set, sometimes going out front to see the front of the stage, as he played mostly old dead songs. I wasn't paying much attention, but then on about his fourth song, he played Looks Like Rain, and it touched me like it always did. He played Eyes of the World and then picked out a sweet Blackbird which shocked me. He hit New Minglewood Blues, and it was powerful as it ever was, and suddenly the park decided to play along and graced us with fireworks and an accompanying laser show. Marty brought me out a glass of After the Fall, and I said to him, "Marty, this isn't supposed to happen". We laughed about the shows we had seen and what it was like to be out in the crowd and how we used to do that same thing, and then he just smiled. Life can be sweet.

kiss me baby on easter sunday, make my hate go away.

I dreamed of being back at college, just moving in. I lived in a large room with 25 people and I was attempting to find my space. I assume that this was mostly from my excitement about being able to take some classes again now. Anyway, Vince was with me, and I was just happy to be going back to school with him. We were glad to be living together. We shared things, and I went and scavenged a chair to sit in just the right spot by the window in our little corner of the room. All I could think was that I needed my stereo and all would be set. I loved him again as my best friend in a way I haven't since the mess with Sue years ago. I walked back into this giant room where everyone lived, and I caught a few of the roommates smoking pot. I started to harass them about it, jokingly. Comfortable in my role as the older mom-like figure in the scene, I smiled from inside. One girl walked towards me and suddenly put her hand to the back of my neck and pulled me towards her, kissed me full on the lips, and blew a hit into my lungs. I felt it go to my head and then my limbs, and with it, a giant relief. Vince came, and smiled, and we laughed again. I woke up saddened for him, and yet the relief was still with me. Hatred seems to serve the purpose at the time it's needed, but it eventually fades away and you're left with only it's source; the loss, the pain, the sorrow.

My Birthday Deathbed

I realized today, I hate people. I'm really serious. People are the leeches on the underbelly of my soul, sucking and sucking and sucking until I'm dry. Incompetence abounds, and people just don't give a shit about anything it seems. People don't even care about themselves much less anyone else. Friendship? I wonder if there is any such thing. There is a reason for every relationship we have as humans. And that reason is : We want something from the other person. The minute the need is fulfilled or we realize it will never be fulfilled, we throw our fellow humans away like McDonalds cheeseburger wrappers. Perhaps, there are some people somewhere that are simply companions, friends, just wanting to share the experience of life. Those people are freaks in the face of society I do believe. People want someone to provide for them, someone to make them feel better, a place to drink and person to drink with. People want someone to replay all those situations in life that haven't worked out for them previously. Don't we all want the same? Why is it, then, that I give, and everyone else takes. I don't want it anymore. I need nothing from anyone.

I just don't care to take anymore. I won't tolerate it. No more lies. No more manipulation. No more blame and no more bullshit. To all and any who feel the need to take out their shit on me for lack of another way to handle it, you can go home now. Pack up your emotional baggage and your fake bonds and the knives you stick in everyone's back, and just go the hell away. Money? Take it. Take all I own. Do whatever you want, feel and say whatever you wish, just keep the hell out of my face. I won't sell my heart, my life and my emotions at someone elses price. Perhaps my expectations for people are too high. Frankly, I don't care.

Seldom does he see the light of day, ten suns unseen.

In the song Victory, PJ sings, "angels at my table, God in my car". There are times I feel this as plain as someone slapping me in the face. I can feel a synergy...like Max singing, "John Henry knows the end is drawing near, and Henry has no fear". Nothing can go wrong. I can feel my soul like feeling perfect pitch, like the feeling hearing Stevie Ray Vaughn playing Riviera Paradise gives you in your stomach. Everything might not be good, but it really doesn't matter. I am where I am. I am where I am because I'm supposed to be there, and there is purpose to everything. All the bitter vines bear fruit and all the fruit is sweet enough to erase the memory of the thorns.

And there are times when misery comes uninvited. Times that make it hurt to raise your eyelids in the morning. Times that make it hurt to rest your head at the end of day.

Brittle-Bones

Crocodile skin water, city shadows wait
Put your head into your hands, the ending is so great
Take a ride to sundown, buy a ticket home
Take all the things I've bought you, leave all the rest alone
Marble skins turn human, people fade to grey
Put your head into my hands we'll make them go away
As you're crying softly, you won't ever be disturbed
Red on pink, the sun will sink, have you even heard
And the colors take me down
It's no reason to be sad
And you leave without a sound
It's no reason to be glad

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time.

I have now the chance to start over. Saturday I will take my civil service exam. I have a feeling that I will score well, and be at the top of the list, the list they hire from. I started thinking really hard about what it would mean if I commited to full-time work again. Does it mean I am throwing away all my work, all of my business, all of my hopes? Does it mean I am abandoning my happiness for money? I felt torn. I like the security the money is providing. I like being able to buy a new shirt, new shoes, go out to dinner. I like not having to worry. And yet, when people ask me what I do for a living, ...I can't help but wonder if I will be really happy with the answer. So, I made up a new answer.

I decided I'll take the job, I'll take a good job at the college....whether they offer me this one or not, I'm confident that I can do well enough on the exam to secure a job offer. And, then I'll take all the classes I can. My goal is to get 3 more degrees...which sounds like a lot...but my English classes, and math and physics etc will all transfer. I'll start with Architecture and then go for Interior Design and finish with a computer related Graphics degree. Then I'll pick my favorite....and go for a Bachelors. I know it seems that I may be expecting too much from myself. Really, I'm just giving myself a chance to make up for all those years I didn't expect enough from myself.