Susan: "What is it about exercise???"
Janice: "I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
Susan: "I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them."
Janice: "I don't jog: it makes the ice jump right out of my glass."
Susan: "My sister started walking five miles a day when she was 50. She's 71 now and we don't know where in the world she is."
Susan: "What about dieting??"
Janice: "A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae makes a balanced lunch for me."
Susan: "You know, if you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories."
Janice: "See, a diet drink with a candy bar cancels out the calories."
Susan: "Well, frozen foods have no calories because calories are units of heat, so i eat lots of ice cream, fudge bars....hmmm.
Janice: "More coffee?"
Susan: PLEASE!!! Another diet drink for you?..Candy bar?"
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
1.You answer the door before people knock.
2.Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
3.You ski uphill.
4.You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
5.You speed walk in your sleep.
6.You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
7.You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
8.You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
9.You sleep with your eyes open.
10.You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
11.The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
12.You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
13.You lick your coffeepot clean.
14.You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
15.Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
16.You chew on other people's fingernails.
17.The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
18.You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
21.You can jump-start your car without cables.
22.You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
23.Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
24.You don't sweat, you percolate.
25.You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
26.You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
26.You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
27.You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
28.Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
29.People get dizzy just watching you.
30.You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
31.Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
32.Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
33.You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
34.People can test their batteries in your ears.
35.Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
36.Instant coffee takes too long.
37.You channel surf faster without a remote.
38.When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
39.You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
40.Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
41.You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
42.You short out motion detectors.
43.You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
44.Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
45.You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
46.You don't tan, you roast.
47.You don't get mad, you get steamed.
48.You help your dog chase its tail.
49.You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
50.You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go to bed.
People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.
Tell me something....
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
How can there be self-help GROUPS?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
Why do they call it life insurance?
What's the speed of dark?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
If you mix milk of magnesia with vodka and orange juice, do you get a Phillip's screw driver?
Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why do mattresses have springs, if they aren't made for jumping on?
With interactive TV will I be able to slap Rush Limbaugh?
Why is Greenland icy, and Iceland green?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
Why is it that whe our kids misbehave we ask "do you want a spanking?" What are they going to say, "Yes please, may I have two?"...
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?
Why do hotdogs' come in a package 12 and the hotdog buns come in a package of 8?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Why do doctors call what they do a practice?
It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question. --
Decouvertes
Destroying pride -- man becomes endearing; Destroying anger -- man gets rid of sorrow; Destroying desire -- man acquires peace; Destroying greed -- man achieves happiness.
Satya Sai Baba
1.Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.
2.Remove blocks and toys from table.
3.Grease pan, crack nuts.
4.Measure two cups flour.
5.Remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby.
6.Remeasure flour.
7.Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.
8.Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor.
9.Get another bowl.
10.Answer doorbell.
11.Return to kitchen.
12.Remove baby's hands from bowl.
13.Wash baby.
14.Answer phone.
15.Return.
16.Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan.
17.Look for baby.
18.Grease another pan.
19.Answer telephone.
20.Return to kitchen and find baby.
21.Remove baby's hands from bowl.
22.Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it.
23.Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.
24.Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes.
25.Call bakery.
26.Rock baby to sleep in rocking chair.
27.Turn on music.
28.Ignore ringing phone.
29.Do not answer door unless bakery delivers.
