Jim Hello there, little boy. What's your name?
Timmy My name is Timmy.
Jim Hello, Timmy. My name is Jim. You look like you want to tell me something
Timmy Yep, I do. See this sidewalk here?
Jim This one right here?
Timmy Yep!
Timmy There were dead people here!
Jim Dead people!?
Timmy
Sure! There was a murder here, and the bodies were all over, and there was all this cool blood, and
the ants were all over the place, and the cops and the newspeople, and the pretty reporter lady, she asked my mom some
questions, and the ants were all over the place, and no one knows this, but they have a taste for human flesh now!
Jim
The ants? Really?
Timmy
Yep! They bit my brother Roger, and then they tried to bite me but I smooshed 'em! And then Kleptar
tried to eat me, but I kicked him in the eyeball, and—oh wait, that's my mom! I gotta go now!
TIMMY runs off
Jim
Hmm. Cute kid. I wonder who that Kleptar fellow was...
JIM continues to walk for another three steps, when JILL, a young woman of about 20 enters. She is quite tall, and
carries with her an ineffable air of certainty. Her manner, however, is easily deflated. She seems to have a slight
crush on JIM, or maybe she's just after his fabulous wealth. JIM and JILL are friends, and incidentally, JILL is also
fabulously wealthy.
Jill
Hey, Jim! Sure is hot today, isn't it?
Jim
Sure is, Jill. Look! Those ants there melting to the sidewalk!
Jill
Yeah, that's pretty gross.
Jim
Yep. Hey, Jill...
Jill
Yes, Jim?
Jim
I notice your butt has grown quite large lately. Aren't you worried that space-time will warp
around it, destroying you and everyone you care about?
Jill
uh... no, Jim. And has my ass really gotten bigger?
Jim
Why, it sure has, Jill. In fact, you yourself have gotten quite uninteresting and unattractive.
Please move out of my way, that I might get going.
Jill
What? Jim, what the hell has gotten into you? My ass is fine—
Jim interrupting
Now, If you'll excuse me, I'm going to put my hand on your chest, and push you over
JIM does so.
Jim
Now, I'll be on my way.
JILL has landed on an anthill, and just as JIM says "way", the ants begin biting her. Her screaming is quite loud and
shrill. The shock of the scream reaches down into the mole-world, and KLEPTAR bursts out of the ground, in anger and
agony KLEPTAR is a giant mole-person who wears an eyepatch over the eye that TIMMY had kicked in. His head is somewhat
oversize, even for a mole person.
Kleptar
What is that noise? It torments me...
He shakes his head to clear it. JILL is still yelling, so KLEPTAR is forced to compete with her for the ability to be
heard.JIM, meanwhile, has walking offstage to the left.
Kleptar with arrogance
Grr... I am Kleptar, king of Mole-People! All shall tremble at my hideous command!
JILL finally gets off the anthill, rubbing and soothing her pained butt. She pays little heed to KLEPTAR, and instead
focuses on the pain coming from her bottom. She shakes it wildly, and eventually points it towards KLEPTAR
Kleptar
Oh god! That ass! It's drawing my giant head towards it!
KLEPTAR appears to be fighting a losing battle with his head, which is bowing and pulling him towards JILL's ass, which
is still facing his head.
Jill
Shut up! Shut up! My ass isn't that big!
But no amount of JILL's denials or KLEPTAR's valiant struggles can stop it, and with an irresistable power, KLEPTAR's
head soon meets JILL's butt, and their close proximity warps the Space-Time Continuum around them. The stage darkens,
and thunder is heard and lightening is seen. Meanwhile, KLEPTAR's head has bounced off JILL's ass, and she lands on her
face while KLEPTAR lands on his ass, on top of the anthill.
Jill getting up off her face
Ugh.. What happened?
JIM walks in, from the right again, but the opposite side from which he had left before. He appears quite unhappy, and
walks over to stand over JILL
Jim
Well, thanks, Jill. Your giant ass has warped the Space-Time Continuum, and now we're stuck at the
Nexus of the Universe.
Exeunt
Scene II
