It was a particularly bright day, in the deepest of summer, as the sun heated up the sidewalk so that the ants exploded when they touched, leaving them to lay in the grass.
Just under the grass, under the small anthill full of carnivorous ants, was a deep cave, dark, and hidden from the world. Within lived the mole-people; angry, sullen, and forever planning conquest and vengeance upon the surface-peoples. Kleptar was their king. He was born clutching a human skull, and smaller, skull-shaped rock.
Today was the day Kleptar had long waited for, for his army was prepared, his weapons uncovered, and his plans unfurled. At last he would lay waste to the surface lands.
Just under Kleptar's kingdom, under his throne made of human bones, and smaller, bone-shaped sticks, and under his vast hosts and banners, was an even deeper cave, wherein lived a few worms. And a spider.
Jim, however, was ignorant of all this, as he walked, smiling and happily, down the sidewalk, the sun beating down and vaporizing his sweat, the air sweet and dry, the UFOs driven off by hidden forces.
The sidewalk he was walking went from one school directly to another school. The schools were identical, as were the children who were inside it, for the government had long ago, separated identical twins all over, fearing their power.
As made his 4000th step, Jill noticed him walking down the sidewalk, and ran over to say hello.
"Hey, Jim!" she said, smiling at him. "Sure is hot today, isn't it?"
"Sure is, Jill", Jim replied, smiling right back. "I notice your butt has grown quite large lately. Aren't you worried that space-time will warp around it, destroying you and everyone you care about?"
Quite taken aback, Jill replied, "uh... no, Jim." she said. "And has my ass really gotten bigger?"
"Why, it sure has Jill. In fact, you yourself have gotten quite uninteresting and unattractive. Please move out of my way, that I might get to school."
"Jim, what the hell has gotten into you? I—"
"If you'll excuse me, I'm going to put my hand on your chest, and push you backwards." Jim said, doing so. Jill cried out in surprise as she landed on a nearby anthill, crushing it, and several dozen ants. Enraged, they retaliated, causing Jill to scream out in pain.
—Invasion!—they cried in their mysterious ant speech.—Tastes like human! Let us engorge upon this flesh!
Just as Jill screamed, Kleptar had been preparing his army. The sudden shock of the scream had sent him to shout out as well, confusing a nearby recruit into thinking that he was ordering the attack. The recruit pushed his assigned button, which sent Kleptar flying through the roof of the cave, and he burst out of the earth nearby, sword waving, shouting madly to the world, "I am Kleptar! King of the Mole-People! All shall tremble at my hideous command!"
As he was screaming nonsensically, Jill had gotten up off the ant-hill, and begun rubbing her butt and yelling. As she screamed in pain, Kleptar's yelling too changed from a battle-rage, to an abject terror.
"Oh god!" He cried. "That ass! It's drawing my giant head towards it!" And even as he spoke, his massive head gravitated towards Jill's ant-swollen butt.
"Shut up! Shut up!" Jill screamed, in pain and frustration. "My ass isn't that big!"
But no amount of Jill's denials or Kleptar's valiant struggles could stop it, and with an irresistable power, Kleptar's head soon met Jill's butt, and their close proximity warped the Space-Time Continuum around them, looping the sidewalk back in itself.
Jim, who had been walking East, came back from the other direction, quite cross.
"Thanks Jill. Now we're stuck at the Nexus of the Universe."
