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even if the rain falls

Note: This isn’t based on AJ, although the character is named Alex. This was written before I began writing fan fiction.

Saying goodbye wasn’t an easy thing to do. But I found myself turning from the warmth and familiarity I once knew, toward the blue yonder of what would be.

I hated the way we were so hostile to each other- I never wanted to experience again the same pain and anguish I’ve felt for the last five months; it was the worst feeling imaginable.

It was as though we were living on separate galaxies, where communication lines were rough and it was impossible to get into what the other was thinking. Initially, I thought we could reach a compromise; but toward my last days here in Sydney, it was obvious the path I was to take

 When I told Alex I was to leave, he pleaded, begged and even tried to buy me into staying- he’s been more attentive to me in the past few days than he’s been our own relationship. He even shed a tear from those innocent black pools that I fell so hopelessly in love with so long ago. But I remained firm on my decision, refusing to move from the stance I was taking.

I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of knowing I was actually considered giving my ticket away, just to stay.

So without much of a goodbye, I carried my bag, and gave the single most important person in my life the cold shoulder. I boarded the plane, restraining myself from looking into his innocent eyes filling with tears, his body slouching and flake-by-flake, and his heart rotting away into nothingness.

I wasn’t going to let him know I still loved him. He’ll never find out. Never.

  I watched the rainfall down when the plane left. It fell hard and splattered at a million miles per second, on the cold dark land we once shared. I watched intently as each drop came down, and at each drop, I had a flashback of what it was once like with Ivy. I remembered the first day that I met her; we were the only two people at the Pavilion, Town Hall. It was Christmas morning, and for the life of me, I couldn’t stay home alone- it just wasn’t me. So there I was, waiting for the red light to turn green, a swish of black hair knocked me over. I turned around, ready to pounce on the inconsiderate individual. But to my surprise, it was a petite girl, black hair flying in every direction, mouth moving a million miles per second, apologizing to me.

We were inseparable after that. For the next five years, we spent every waking moment together.

So you can imagine my surprise the day Ivy said she was going to leave.

  I was angry for not noticing the signs; mad at Ivy, feeling as if she stabbed a thousand knives into my heart on purpose; but most of all I was mad at myself.

  Mad at myself for falling in love with her. How could she do this to me? I really thought we were something together. Was our relationship so meaningless that sustaining it was too much? But now- everything is just a distant memory, all waiting to fade. And as I watch this rain falling, I feel as though I’m slipping back into nothingness.

 

Nothing could have prepared me for what was to come; I spent the last few months in Melbourne, seemingly to collect myself through burying myself in work. I went out with my friends and lived the life I thought I wanted.

Who am I kidding?

It was all just a show. I’m just lying to myself, propelling myself for the fall. The fall of reality.

Let’s face it- I’m still in love with Alex.

And that’s why I came back to Sydney- to face Alex.

 

I finally start to get on with my life, when I get a call from a friend to tell me-

Ivy was moving back.

When I heard the news, my heart raced, and suddenly, I was speechless.

Ivy?

The Ivy whom I shared my deepest thoughts and feelings with? The Ivy whom propelled me to cry my first tears since I was five? The Ivy that… that I’m still in love with?

 Yes.

One side of me wanted to jump up and down like a little boy on Christmas morning. But the other side of me was bubbling like a lab formula ready to erupt, from unrequited pressure.

But the question now is- why?

For what reason was she returning? Surely… no, it couldn’t be- she was adamant she was leaving, never to return. I had my chance, and I lost it.

But what if she is giving me another chance? Nah, never. She’d never change; she’s always been too proud. It couldn’t be- not even if the rain falls down.

   

The sky was a milky white, frothing with foam like clouds on the never-ending blue canvas, as I stepped off the plane. My mind pounded at me and this dizziness washed over me; I had to clutch onto the banister as I searched for the exit. I finally found my way out to the exit and saw my mother… and both of Alex’s parents.

My fleeting dizziness subsided, and I managed a weak grin, proceeding toward them. There was something different about them; it wasn’t the fact that Alex’s parents were here without Alex… my mum and his parents had gotten around quite well ever since we introduced them.

No, it was more than that. I could tell. But I didn’t know what it was. Their expressions were all the same; they were happy, but there was this bittersweet sense that I couldn’t shake.

 Before I put my bags down, my mother ran to me and gave me the biggest hug, almost knocking over my balance. But for some reason, this hug was different; it seemed like a security blanket or a life jacket than a ‘welcome back’ hug.

When she finally let go, I saw tears in her eyes. “Hello darling” she murmured as she wiped stray tears cascading down her contours. “I’m so glad your back,” she added.

What was wrong with everybody? What was going on?

But before I could do anything, Alex’s mother drew me in and held me close “Be a good girl, you hear? Listen to your mama always”

 At that time, I was still confused. This was not the reception I was expecting- it was more of a farewell. But I just came back. I didn’t understand.

 As we left the lobby of the airport, I noticed the glossy signet ring I had given Alex for his graduation on his mother’s finger. She was nursing it and rubbing it until it shone.

At that point, I knew Alex was gone.

And as I stepped out of the airport; the rain started to fall down.