EPILOGUE: ATTITUDE

I could wring his neck!

It’s so like him to interpret this account into something where he comes out as the hero and I turn out as weak as Snow White when she eats the apple.

I think it’s only fair to set the record straight- so okay, I was robbed of dialogue for a few minutes. Okay, I was limp like a rag doll in his arms for another two minutes. What he failed to add, was the other argument we had, right after this blessed silence, which was resolved with me calling him a bastard and he calling me friggin' crazy, then us getting nasty in the shower. (Don’t ask)

I’m not on tour with him anymore and we’re still officially ‘broken up’ according to the press, so in other words, we’re discrete, almost non-existent to the naked eye (much like invisible stitching) which is fine with me, because I don’t think I could have stood much more of his snoring, scratching and burping.

According to the Sun in the UK and the Chronicle in LA, he’s been seen with of course, Louise, ‘some blonde’ from ‘some soap’, the newest pop princess, ‘Jasmine’, and probably the oddest of them all; my imaginary sister, Rosalind, who came between AJ and I, which is ‘apparently’ why I wrote that article. At first, he was being very ‘Don Juan’ about the whole idea, but after an unfortunate incident with a beloved pair of his shades (something along the lines of ‘accidentally’ falling into a garbage disposal- who left them there, I wonder?) he decided maybe the idea wasn’t so hot anymore.

We fight like any other couple and make out like crazy to make up for the time we spent fighting (it actually takes twice as long, and most of the time, I’ve forgotten what we were fighting about in the first place). Don’t be disillusioned, I still curse him out, and he still makes those sexual innuendoes, and if anything they haven’t lessened they’ve actually increased. The more I let myself fall in the mould of what a woman should be (little black dresses, well fitting pumps and Elizabeth Arden perfume) the higher my shield goes.

I’ve taken off writing for any paper at the moment; instead after I returned to the States, I continued to freelance (even for the Tribune) because, well, I wanted to start up my own publication.

So before I launch this endeavour of mine, I decided it was only fair for you to see from the inside, what it was like, before you made assumptions not to buy it. I wanted you to understand my mindset, and my situation before anything else, so I had to be honest, and that included all the gritty details about how scared I was, running rampant with ridiculous emotions I wasn’t ready to deal with, to the little incidents that made this experience, this person so unique to me. 

I don’t want to be hated by his fans, merely because I’m dating him, because no matter what he says, you’re a huge part of him; without you guys, he wouldn’t have the success he has today, nor would I be in the place I am. I need your approval; without it he won’t be happy, nor will I.

That’s why I’ve included Instant Message exchanges, the NBC Today Show transcript and newspaper clippings inside this collection of notes, to maintain a sort of third person perspective on the whole situation, because it’s not just he and I- it’s everything interlinked, bigger than the both of us.

And yes, lastly, I added the reason why you have chosen to read these irrational notes through- because of AJ. This publication wouldn’t be complete, nor would it be what it is if it wasn’t for the things he’s done (I read the bit with Anabel- I was a blubbering idiot, and the previous ‘I fucked you’ incident was temporarily forgotten) I’ve forgiven him for it, but it’s not forgotten. Trust me, it still crops up from time to time.

After reading most of this over, I decided that the only name I could possibly give my new publication had to be ‘Attitude’. There was only one theme running through the whole situation, and it didn’t matter whether we were talking, kissing or cursing each other; it was all about the attitude (and didn’t we have a lot of it). I want to start afresh, with a new attitude though- a positive one, so I think it’s only fair to give you my stance on men now.

In general, men are a little more tolerable- they still seem a little barbaric to me, with their scratching, burping and periodic recoiling when they get into a game. But they’re still meant to be treated as humans (Just a little more arrogant cos they think they have an ‘extra’ chromosome- someone should tell them they have the same number as women, it’s just that they have a ‘Y’ instead of an ‘X’). So let’s do a run through:

Lysander: There isn’t much I can say; it’s funny to call him ‘father’ when he was never there, much less acted like one. So Lysander will always just be Lysander.

Sebastian: He was my first boyfriend; I’m trying to let go of what conclusions about men he’s driven me to. (Lord knows, it’s about time)

Danner: He was just a chauvinist, exploiting his authority for kicks.

Alex: I’m still learning about him, everyday, whether I see him or not (I came across a website that told me he was kinky with a whip- he told me it was just for the profile, but I’ve seen it somewhere in his luggage) and I’m trying not to treat him as the Backstreet Boy I thought he was, but the man I’m learning to know; (which is why I'm trying desperately to call him Alex, not AJ; it's not working very well). No, we haven’t exchanged those three fateful words, and I don’t know if we ever will, but we’re still learning.

So for the definition of a man?

Man, noun 

(Zoology) A human being classified as belonging to the genus homo. Homo of which there is only one species Homosapiens, characterised by high mental division.

Male, noun, adjective

noun 1. A man, a boy. Males belong to the sex that, when mature produce sperm.

I guess after all this, the definition hasn’t changed, because essentially, what differentiates females from males is our genitalia. But it’s the way we interpret the position of men in our lives, which make them real for us. There will always be the Sebastian’s, the Lysander’s and the crude on crass bosses like Danner; but for every one of those men; there’s an Alex.

And that girls, is the realization, which only comes when words just aren’t enough.  

END NOTES

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