FORTY ONE: SPEECHLESS

It was exactly like one of those stupid romantic comedies; I fling open the door and he’s standing there, poised to barrel the door down, minus the mandatory ditty of ‘Endless Love’ playing in the background.

Where he’s meant to sweep me off my feet with a supposed spontaneous, open mouth kiss is also ditched, mainly because, well I stepped on his foot.

“Nice to see you too” he muttered wincing with pain.

“You’re meant to be gloating to your buddies on how you scored” I accused, crossing my arms while he tried to use his 'injured limb' to edge (unsuccessfully) into my hotel room.

He looked me up and down, “You’re meant to be crying your eyes out”

I shrugged, seemingly non committal, “Eh, I’m different”

“So’m I” he said. Still eyeing me. If I wasn't in my left mind (the one where logic and reason is meant to preside) I would have jumped on him already. I was itching.

I thought, well he’s here, I might as well bum a smoke off him “Gotta smoke? I need one now”

Now here comes the really spontaneous part “Wanna fuck instead?”

And I go “Hell, yeah”, and then we ravage ourselves in fast, furious sex.

Hmm. I spent a whole taxi ride plus another hour and a half, agonizing over the fact that I engaged in sex with a guy who wasn’t really a guy, but rather an over-glorified nymphomaniac, and then, just as I decide to ditch the issue, I celebrate it by fucking him again.

Lordy.

I’m using AJ for sex.


| I ain't sorry for the way I feel | I know you think I'm being insincere | from the way that I'm treating you | I never wanted to be so unkind | the only one thing on my mind | is just kicking with you girl...| I see the truth it's in your eyes | I ain't fooled by your thin disguise....|

[when the lights go out] 5ive

I don’t believe in that crap about fate and how it’ll happen to you when it happens. But when she opened that friggin’ door, Aphrodite was showing off her pretty little ass to some other God, because they were very happy; junior here was more than excited.

Don’t need to tell you either, when something falls into my lap, I take it. No use in wasting a chance. So after she did all those clumsy things of her, stepping on my foot, all while trying to be coy and pissed off (she didn’t have her nicotine fix), I asked her straight out “How about a fuck instead?”

And didn’t she deliver. All the way to daddy, she did.

And after the sex? That inevitable silence, like ordinary people, who don’t know what to say after they’ve done it, because I’ve always just rolled over and slept.

“Hmm”

“Ummm”

Nothing.

“Gotta smoke?” she asked, her green eyes fixated on the white polyester sheet covering her chest. I don’t know why the hell she’s even bothering, I’ve seen everything.

“Yeah” I lean over trying to find my jeans somewhere in the room. “Where’re my jeans?”

“Here” she muttered, pulling them from under her side of the bed, pulling the red and white packet out of the pockets, pumping out one of those long, slender nicotine babies.

“Gimme one” I demand, pulling the packet out of her right hand.

We puffed our cigarettes in silence, until she spoke up “I’ll call you”

Then she got up and began picking up my clothes around the room, dumping them on me.

“I’ll um…” she searched for words as she took another puff. “You better go… you don’t want reporters catching you when the sun comes up”

Call it instinct or just paranoia, but I sensed she didn’t really want me to leave; it was just a shield, plain manipulation on her part to control something she really didn’t have control over.

She was just being Minerva. “Let them” I shrugged.

She raised one eyebrow at me then shook her head. “It’s for your own good; you can’t afford any more bad publicity”

She wanted to shut me out again.

So I looked back; she was lacing her fingers through her tousled hair, took a long puff of her cigarette and just looked blankly at the wall.

“You know what” I said, as she turned abruptly. “Stuff the reporters, I’ll stay till dawn”

Her green eyes widened in alarm “No, you can’t. You can’t stay here, I have to go into ‘Hello!’ at eight”

“I’ll be gone by six”

“You’re treading in dangerous waters McLean. You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into“

I smirk began to twitch on my features. God dammit, she was softening. “I leap first, think second. It’s always been a flaw” Her eyes cast upon mine for a second before she flinched. “I’m staying”

“Nah uh. Can’t do that”

“I can do whatever I want”

“I said no”

“I’m staying” She turned around, those green eyes piercing into mine again. “It’s too bad, I’m not going anywhere” and just to make her realize I wasn’t going, I sat on the bed.

She looked pained, then sighed. “Look, it’s not going to work this way, you have to go”

“Why?”

“Because”

I can’t believe women think ‘because’ is a reason. They use it all the time as though it were justified by George Washington himself, and it’s meant to be accepted, no questions asked. What’s more, I can’t believe I’m asking why; I never do that.

“You can’t stay, okay? It’s not done. We fuck, you leave. That’s the deal” she said, exasperated.

“What deal? Look, whatever it is, we’ll work it out” I assured her, as she arched an eyebrow.

“What on earth are you on about AJ? No no, wait, what are you on? Because I don’t think three fucks count as a whole relationship”

“So you think we’re in a relationship now, is that it?”

“I didn’t say that!”

“Then what did you say?”

When did everything get so confusing? A fuck is just a fuck, right? Except this was a little different, Minerva wasn’t some whore I met for an hour and had tawdry sex with. Nope, Minna, although she and I were far from amicable and totally wrong for each other, we had something else. Feelings were definitely there- hate, loathing, lust, wrath, insanity (I never said they were positive)- but there was something else; this one irrepressible factor.

The thing was, despite all this coldness, she cares. And what’s more; I care.

“So like you men to have commitment issues” she snapped.

The old Minerva was back. Knew the sex fiend version had to go; they never last.

“That’s not what I meant, okay? Just hear me out” I walked closer to her and pulled her to me; I could feel her heart beat next to mine; for some very odd reason, it was erratic. I pulled away a moment and gave her a look “Why’s your heart beating so quickly then?”

“It is?” she asked, then placed a hand on her chest“ No it’s not”

“Yes it is”

“No, it’s not”

“Yes, it is!”

Like the thousand looks she’s given me in the past three months, this is the one that hit me the most. It was all together strong, fierce, but emotion filled, vulnerable even- very un-Minerva like.

“Go away” she muttered

“Make me” I said, gleeful. Funny, I saw nor felt any attempt to pull away- and there was a lot of room.

“I’m warning you”

“Don’t you ever shut up?”

“No”

Silence. Well, well, guess she does shut up.

She stuttered, then looked at me. Her mouth poised open, but no words came out of them.

“Hmm? You wanna say something?”

Again her mouth opened, but no words escaped. “Speechless, huh? Definitely something I can get used to”

Right after I said that though, the familiar scowl returned- except this time she pinned a sly smile together. “Shut up and fuck me will ya?”

For the record, we didn’t get much talking done the rest of the night.  

"...I can see I'm getting through, babe"

[when the lights go out] 5ive

 

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