Six: January Rain I
was just about to shut my front door and leave for a morning office meeting when
I heard the phone jangle furiously. "I
am not picking it up" I told my self as I balanced my brown leather
suitcase in one hand, my lunch in a brown paper bag in my mouth and opening the
door with my remaining hand. The
familiar greeting played, picking up on the third ring. "Hey
Jo, this is Nick" "Doesn't
this boy have rehearsals?" I wondered aloud as I began to close the door
behind me, just as his voice cackled through the speaker once more. "I
really hate to leave a message like this on an answering machine, but since
you're not here it'll have to do" he began again. I
got agitated and dropped all my things just inside the door, sauntering over to
the phone. "This
better be good Carter" I growled, just as he blurted "Brian's in the
hospital… his heart couldn't take it during rehearsals" My
initial reaction cannot be described just as mere shock. It was much worse, more
like a rapidly sinking feeling of oddity overcome with over wrought turbulence.
As I tried to suppress these emotions momentarily, I asked him which hospital
Brain was in. I had no time to lose. So
I booked the next flight out to San Francisco and the whole plane ride there, I
kept repetitively reminding myself that he was going to be okay. I
could barely tell which was the road and which was the pavement when I reached
the quieter and more traditional side of the US. The main city was drowned in a
sea of nosy reporters, cameramen, and entertainment journalists all haggling to
get the latest scoop on Brian's condition. I wanted to shout at them for being
so insensitive, but I didn't- I only wanted to honour Brian's dignity. So
instead, I hailed a cab. When
I finally tripped through the doorway of the hospital and into ICU, I found
Kevin, Nick and AJ huddled together, chatting in hushed tones. Leighanne's eyes
were red from crying; I doubt she had stopped since she heard the news. Howie
was nowhere to be seen. I
felt so lost, as if I was looking into one of those capsules, where you see
everything from the outside but you could never get in. I stood quietly at
the door gathering my breath, and as they all nodded to acknowledge my presence
I took the empty seat beside AJ. "How's he holding up? I asked as I removed the hood of my burgundy jacket, decorated
with raindrops, which were melding into the fabric. I must have looked like I
was about to jump on them because Kevin indicated for me to go right through,
before they answered anything else. I
walked in cautiously, unprepared for what I was going to see. Brian was attached
to various tubes, some punctured into his arm for blood and liquefied food to
flow through; several wires had been attached his chest hooked to the heart
monitor, which was beeping at a slow, methodic pace. His face was greying
against his withering white lips and his normally curly blonde hair was matted
uncomfortably against his forehead. He seemed to have aged ten years overnight. Howie
was there, kneeling by his bedside, hands clasped in prayer like manner and head
reverently bent. He mouthed "He's sleeping" as he got up and gave me a
quavering smile, before he left the room. I
took the chair next to where Howie had been kneeling in and just stared at the
lifeless figure before me. All I could think of was 'How come?' although I knew
exactly the reasons why. Not knowing what more I could do, I reached out and
lightly touched his hand. To my surprise, he stirred ever so slightly, just like
a child being disturbed during a nap. How
did this happen? I wanted to yell. Come on, wake up, I'll let you watch Alien
Resurrection now and I'll let you use the remote…I continued to bellow in my
head. But
instead, I spoke calmly "Hey Littrell, it's Jo" I started "I came
here all the way to see you...how're you going?" I wanted so much for him
to say "Hey Jo, I'm doing fine" but I knew he couldn't. "It's
been ages huh?" I continued speaking about idle things until my throat was
dry and sore. I
talked about how the photographer went to the wrong apartment and took the wrong
photos; I talked about my mother and her Frank Sinatra fixation. I talked about
my boss and his failing campaign to stop smoking, and I even spoke of my
sister's cat and it's unceasing fetish to roam the night streets with it's
sexuality. I also congratulated him on their latest hit 'How Did I Fall In Love
With You'. The
first time I heard the song, I choked up; thinking the guy was so naive. But as
I rambled on in that room, I knew wasn't saying what I really needed to say. It
suddenly hit me; why I loved that song so much. It wasn't just because of the
music, nor was it merely because it was "Backstreet's latest hit". It
was because it was a reflection of what I felt for Brian. My
simple sisterly affection for my closest friend and confidant had grown into
something I promised myself it'd never be; and when I looked back upon the
promise I made to myself so long ago, I realised why I had to do it- I had
already fallen for him. I
watched Brian's lifeless body, hooked up to the hospital machinery and made one
more promise to myself- my changing love for him had to remain my own burden; my
secret. Brian would never know. Leighanne
tapped politely on the door a few minutes later and I let her in, still crying.
She looked a little green, clutching her stomach like she was about to throw up.
I didn't blame her. Before I left the room, I leant down to his left ear and
whispered "Bye Brian, sleep well" As
I left the hospital, I didn't allow a teardrop to fall from my eyes; instead as
I stepped out into the cold January air, a light rain began to fall down for me.
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