When the day started, everybody was in a wonderful mood. The celebrities all went to their dressing rooms and were organizing their wardrobes for that day of taping. Gene was especially giddy that morning, for Helen Rayburn, his wife was going to be in the audience with Lynn, his daughter. This was the first time his family had ever gone to see him on The Match Game.
Brett was hanging up her new dress, and chatting with Betty about the L.A. Zoo, and Richard and Charles were sitting on opposite sides of their dressing room, not talking to one another. At about 6 o’ Clock, everybody left their perspective dressing rooms and filed to the backstage area. That is when the trouble started. Brett let out a rather large yelp.
“What in Heaven’s name do you have in your pocket, Betty?”
Everybody turned towards Betty, and she stated with confidence,
“Well, for your information, it’s a rat. I have a white rat, and his name is Squiggles.”
“A rat?!” Everybody said in unison.
“Named Squiggles?!” Charles added
“Yes, a rat...Named Squiggles. Allen gave it to me. Speaking of Allen, where is he?”
Nobody knew. The show was about to start and they were missing two of their panelists.
“Now where could they be?” Gene asked. His good mood was beginning to be a not-so-good mood. Nobody remembered seeing them anywhere. Just then Ira ran up and said,
“Okay everybody. Three minutes until show time.”
Charles explained to Ira that they were missing two panelists, and could find them nowhere. Gene was now turning sour, until he had an ingenuous thought.
“I know! Helen and Lynn could fill in for Allen and Patty.”
Brett looked alarmed. “Who?”
Gene told everyone about his wife and daughter being in the audience. By the end of his explanation, Brett had a dumbfounded look on her face.
“You mean...” Her sentence trailed off as Ira came up to tell everybody to get on stage. Behind him were Helen and Lynn, all made-up, with a full wardrobe on. Helen shot Brett a dirty look and the celebrities all filed on stage.
The lights turned off and Johnny Olsen began his speech. “Get ready to match the stars! Helen Rayburn, Brett Somers, Charles Nelson Reilly, Lynn Rayburn, Richard Dawson, and Betty White! As we play the star-studded, big money, Match Game ‘77! And here’s the star of Match Game ‘77, Geeeeene Rayburn!”
The doors opened and there stood Gene, in his Rubin Brothers, three-piece suit. Since Gene was her husband, and both Brett and Gene had the running “Encino joke”, Helen didn’t like Brett at all. Through the whole opening of the show, she kept bumping into Brett on “accident”. So the minute her beloved husband came on stage, in order to make Brett “jealous” or so she thought, she ran down the stairs to give Gene a kiss, but on her way down she tripped, fell, and tumbled down the few steps to the floor.
Brett, who had previously been “the first” to roll on the brand new carpet, said “Sorry Helen; I beat you to it. I was the first one to roll in the carpet, better luck next time!” This comment made the audience roar with laughter, and made Helen turn bright red. Even Gene chuckled a little bit. Helen mumbled curses as she returned to her seat on the top tier. Meanwhile, Lynn and Richard were flirting. By now, Helen despised most of the panel, and just wanted to go home. Other than Lynn having a good time, the whole show was turning into a horrible nightmare.
During the first commercial break, instead of fixing their make-up and such, Brett slowly got over her fear of Betty’s rat, and Betty walked up to the upper tier to show it to her. Helen didn’t mind Betty because they were similar in age--little did she know, Gene talked with Betty too--but other than that, she didn’t hold a grudge against her. That was until Betty accidentally dropped her rat down Helen’s borrowed blouse.
Helen was flailing her arms, and yet nobody offered to help her. Finally, the rat flew out of her sleeve and landed on top of Lynn. Richard, seeing that Lynn was obviously in distress, rushed to help her. He stole the rat off the top of her head, and tossed it up to Betty, who missed it by inches. It landed in Brett’s club soda with a splash.
Now it was Betty who was in distress. She didn’t want her new pet, Squiggles, to drown--in booze of all things, and she cried out for help. Charles, who hadn’t had a part in this fiasco, wanted to help. He stood up and reached for the plastic cup, accidentally knocking it over. The cup fell down off of the tier, and landed all over lucky, Richard Dawson’s head. His immediate reaction was to grab the rat, and without thinking, he threw it across the stage. It landed, dazed and confused--and not to mention drunk--in Gene’s front lapel pocket.
Betty rushed down to retrieve her rat from Gene’s suit. By now, every aspect of the game had been forgotten about. The show was in a state of total disarray. Helen got so angry, that she stood up and (careful not to trip) marched down the steps and grabbed the ever-flirting Lynn by the ear, and stomped off the stage. Now everybody was laughing. Even Gene. Finally Gene took his telescopic microphone away from where Lynn was sitting and looked into the camera. Giggling the whole way through, he managed to tell the audience that the show was over, and to stay tuned for the next episode.
And that concluded the funniest day in television history. To be emblazoned in everybody’s memory--Match Game ‘77.
