i'm going to go explode.

Mood:  sad
i haven't been going to church as of late. God knows these things you know...i feel like i'm in some spiritual doldrum. others tell me to pick myself up and slap me around til they get some sense into me. maybe that's the only way i learn. i do not know how to act, i only know how to react. to a blow, to a feeling, to something that affects me.

God is looking down at me right now. have mercy Lord..

is there anything i did? anything wrong? i still don't know what i did, who i went to, what happened before...

and now it's gone.

man sometimes i just wanna go out and get drunk out of my mind.

i am so glad my Father is a Father of second chances.

i am filled with doubt and guilt.

some thoughts..
i've been thinking a lot these days. despite all of the work i have and what not, i've really been thinking a lot. which sometimes isn't healthy for me. thinking about what life has to offer. and growing cynical in the process. being cynical is now tiring. i want to live life happily. do something that will boost me up. studying, swimming, research, volunteer work...God. right now i feel like my eyes will close. like literally. i am typing with my eyes closed and my chin on the floor. plus i have class soon...

everytime i get tired or feel just down, i remember that someone told me, "hey! i stil have five fingers i can see i can walk and still not too sick to work and hab my mom and sister" such...i dunno what the right word is. i keep hearing it in my head. and these dreams. i had a dream...

come on seong jin, life ain't over yet. and yet, i still hear the voices. drawing me on, pulling me back. what to do, what not to do. when to feel this way, when not to feel this way. when to look at someone and betray ur inner feelings, and when to turn away. Lord, i hope i don't burn out.

ok here goes..