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Wednesday, February 2, 2005
but to you ... this means nothing ... nothing at all ...
Topic: * \ relatiionshiips / *
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: In A Perfect World -- Simple Plan
OK. Yes, I am stupid. Yes, I am plain. Yes, I'm one of those people that no one likes and I'm sooo lucky that Josh loves me. Yes, I do stupid things {like starting this whole ... whatever you want to call it}. I'm sorry. It's what I do: mess things up.

I know, I know. I should be locked into a dark dark closet and never let out because I wreak havoc on everyone's world. I only make everything difficult. I'm sorry. It's my fault. I really should just disappear off the face of the earth.

Yes, I am aware that I'm practically worthless. I'm not special. I'm nobody. I know. So maybe I should just ... I dunno. What do you want me to do??

I'm lucky I have friends at all. I'm irritating and a nuisance and so on and so forth. I can't do anything right. Every relationship I've had, I've screwed up. Yes, I know that I deserved all the stuff that happened to me with various guys. Because of all the stupid stuff I did or said.

I had a dream last night where I was still going out with Joe and for some obscure reason, we were in the mall. There was this really deep cut on my face, and I was running through the mall trying to hide my face so no one could see it. Joe was following me, cursing at me and yelling at me. I ended up hiding in Hot Topic {lol} and trying to keep myself from bleeding to death. It was scary. I could practically feel blood on my face and it stung when I woke up. I woke up crying and completely freaked out. I was scared to death because I thought for a minute or two that I was really bleeding and then I was too upset to go back to sleep.

Yeah I know. I deserved all that. All the stupid things I've done and said. All my fault.

"Stop telling me I'm pretty because I know I'm not."
"I'm standing out here in the pouring rain so you can't see me crying."
"I'm a lost cause, not a hero."
"I'm a nightmare, a disaster, that's what they always say."

I don't deserve Josh. I don't deserve anyone. I'm not worth it. You people are right. I'm absolutely nobody.

"How can you love me if I don't love myself?"
I want to forget the pain....


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 8:27 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (14) |
Updated: Wednesday, February 2, 2005 8:39 PM EST
Monday, January 31, 2005
dammit
Topic: * \ relatiionshiips / *
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: I'd Do Anything -- Simple Plan
I'm tired, not lazy, but that's a side note.

Ashley, I'm going to kick your ass when I see you. Kelly, I'm mad at you too but not as much as I am with Ashley.

Can't you people leave sh*t in the past?! It was over a year ago and no one cares! Leave my Summer of Sexual Stupidity back there when it happened. Quit bringing it up.

I am perfectly happy with Josh. I am NOT going to break up with him for some girl. That is bullsh*t and you all KNOW it. I love Josh. I'm in love with Josh. I'm stupid but not stupid enough to throw away the best thing that's ever happened to me. Especially for some girl. Jesus Christ, people.

This is absolutely ridiculous. I should quit writing in here. SOME people can't leave sh*t alone.

My head hurts. I'm tired. I'm hungry. I miss Josh. There is a ton of sh*t I have to do before tomorrow shows up and I have class and I have homework to go over tonight. I don't want to deal with my past stupidity today. Or tomorrow. Or anytime this week. I'll post my schedule and let you find a convenient time to harrass me about my Summer of Sexual Stupidity {is that what you've taken to calling it now? and why ME? we all did stupid stuff that summer! pick someone else to irritate about it!}. Just to let you know, you won't find a convenient time. There's no room for harassment in my life at this point. Any of my lives.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 5:09 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (13) |
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
What I was trying to say earlier
Topic: * \ relatiionshiips / *
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Something by Keane
OK, everyone. Keep your hands and feet inside the ride until we come to a complete stop. Thank you!

In other words, I?m about to indulge in a rollercoaster of sorts. {Which is a bit difficult to do when your mother is standing there folding clothes next to you. Just a tad strange.} You get to watch me try to figure out a bunch of crap.

Those of you who know me well are either cringing or grinning because you all know how emotionally screwed up I am {complicated by the fact that I?m female and basically I?m me}. OK enough stalling.

I never believed in all those chick flicks like Shall We Dance? and those other movies about romance and true love and stuff. I dunno, I was stupid and naive enough to believe that Santa Claus existed until I was ten {and also believed that the Mother Mary brought me presents at the same time ... I don?t get it either now} but even when I was little and my mom would watch stuff like that, I was all, ?That?s not true. That isn?t how it works.?

I can name two happy, ?married? couples I know. One of them is my Uncle Greg and my Aunt Joy. {Married for like three years or so, I think.} And them, I?m not so sure about anymore. The other couple is Shannon and Monica. {Ironic, a lesbian couple is giving me the picture of a good ?marriage?. In your face, dad.} Both couples have kids, a little girl each. When I?m in Shannon and Monica?s house, there?s this feeling there that isn?t anywhere else. There isn?t any avoiding people, any glares or anything like that. They?re a real family. {My aunt and uncle are like that kind of, but there?s always this guarded feeling too. So it?s not quite the same.}

No one else I know is happy like that. My parents fight. Everyone else?s parents fight. I?m not talking about little arguments. I mean throwing dishes and telling each other to get out kind of fights. Constantly. Everywhere.

I tried having a relationship like in the movies. Yeah, that did NOT work. It ended up being my parents all over again. {Kind of scary.} Am I the only one who thinks that ?the way love is supposed to be?, Hollywood version, is a load of bs? It makes me sick. Life is not that easy. You don?t meet some guy when your shoe gets stuck and you almost get run over by a bus but he saves you just in time and you look in his eyes and he looks back and bam it?s love. I?m sorry people. That is total bs. {That was The Wedding Planner, by the way.} It doesn?t work.

There was a while where I didn?t think there was such a thing as love at all. I was convinced that people suck and all they want is someone to pay attention to them and that they only like you if you do what they want and say what they want. {I still think that last part. I see no evidence to prove otherwise.} And after that, I believed that no one would put themselves into a place where they could get hurt that badly, by telling someone else the way they felt. I know I would never do that. I thought I would never do that.

Well, I did that. Mistake. He wouldn?t let go of me after I told him how I felt for real. {I still don?t understand that relationship. I?ve given up trying to.} It was like having my lungs ripped out when he turned around and used it against me. Not only could I not breathe, but there was that aching feeling you get in your chest when you?re really sick and you?ve been coughing for weeks and it hurts every time you try to breathe. {See? This is why I?m so screwed up. My parents plus that one relationship totally screwed me over. Wonderful.}

Where am I going with this? Somewhere, I?m sure. Hang on, I?ll figure it out in a minute. Or ten.

I?ve never been able to express myself well. Not verbally anyway. Another reason I write lol. If I can?t express myself well in the first place, it?s doubly hard to tell someone how I feel because of my fear of it getting turned around on me. Aha, I know where this is going. Kind of.

Summary so far: I don?t believe in love songs. My picture of a good relationship is a lesbian couple. My parents taught me to shut up about the way I feel. I can?t {don?t know how to} express myself. Sounds disjointed, I know. Hold on.

OK. I?ll try to put it all together. I love Josh. {Reason I know this is because I have never felt this way about anyone before. I have never been as happy with anyone as I am with him. All I want to do is make him happy. I don?t care if it doesn?t make sense.} And I want to tell him how I feel, I want him to know. {Since he reads my blog, he?s about to find out anyway.} But I don?t know how to explain the way I feel. I don?t know how to describe it. {Am I supposed to know?}

Plus I?m a bit ?suspicious? {or maybe ?wary? is what I?m looking for} of opening up again. I so don?t want to get hurt again. Yes, I know that Josh won?t hurt me. That?s what I?m told and I believe it. It?s one of those damned paradoxes, because at the same time I?m terrified that that?s what?s going to happen. I know better, but ....

I?m used to being alone. I have zillions of friends, but I?m used to being quiet and alone and not having anyone that I can really talk to, mostly because I?m crazy and it scares people when I really talk to them. {And I don?t want to do that with Josh. I don?t want him to think that I?m completely psycho. Twisted and screwed up I will admit to, but I?m not 100% insane.} I?m used to being sealed up tight and staying on the surface, without letting anyone ?in?.

So yeah. Summary: I?m a bit scared to open up. I?m sorry.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 2:00 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
W*h*o*r*e
Topic: * \ relatiionshiips / *
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Farther Away -- Evanescence
Oh how I love this song. Well I love Evanescence, they can do no wrong, especially Amy Lee but damn ... I love this song. It's my life. {Just like Everybody's Fool.}

What's with the title, you may be asking? Aside from it being one of my many nicknames and one of the things my dad calls me by frequently ... nothing really. I just made it look pretty. If I'm going to be known as one, I may as well make the best of it. {How am I a w*h*o*r*e if I'm a fricking virgin, I ask you morons?}

A thief, a whore, and a liar.

*shrugs* Today is a lazy day. I'm gonna stay downstairs by the fire and read my books. Lemony Snicket!! Yay!! {*muah*} Plus I'm going to the library. It's kind of sad, I've read every interesting book at each of the three libraries near me. I have a craving for Guitar Highway Rose, though.

This is part of the reason I write. Nobody writes what I want to read, so I write it for me to read lol. I'm in the process of writing a new story about a faerie and I have no idea what it's really about other than that. I don't even have a real title. {So far, it's just "Green".} It's not actually about a faerie, it's more about a changeling, but still. It's getting interesting.

OK, I put relationships up there for a reason. Why? Oh yes. Well, I know why, but there's the little problem of me not knowing exactly what I want to say. I want to say a ton of stuff, but I don't know how. I think this is going to have to wait till later.

{*muah* Josh I love you and I miss you and hopefully I'll see you tomorrow. *muah*}


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 10:45 AM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |

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