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Friday, February 11, 2005
aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh
Topic: { * eVerythiNg * }
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Jump -- Simple Plan
How can I have a mostly awesome day like yesterday and have it turned around and thrown in my face??? Yesterday was turning out absolutely wonderful and then they had to go ruin it. Why can't my parents just get a frigging divorce and get it over with??? I can move out and even take Steven if they want. Greg can take care of himself. With Greg in school, me working and in college and taking care of Steven, Mom can get a full-time job or whatever. I can wait till Greg graduates or moves out so Mom can take care of Steven and then I can leave. Steven will be 11. By the time he's ten he can take care of himself. I was taking care of Greg when I was seven.

I don't see what's so hard about this.

Except that my dad would have visitation rights with Steven and none of us want the two of them to be alone together. None of us being me, my mom and Greg.

If Steven were older. He's already getting the worst of it, because half the time he's involved with their fighting. He's my parents' favorite. So Greg is constantly picking on him and so on. Therefore, my parents yell at Greg and my dad smacks him and pushes him around {question: why won't Greg just fight back??} and Greg pushes me around and it just goes around in a big ridiculous circle. Steven hits people, Greg hits people, and they learned it from my dad.

If Steven grows up and acts like my dad ... or worse, like me ... it'll be my fault. I don't want him to be like me and he already is because he's around me so much ... he said to me the other day, "Why are you always gone? Do you hate me?" I almost cried. Way back when my grandfather died {mom's dad} and my mom kept leaving, I always stayed behind and took care of Steven. Then she would come back and Steven would complain because his little routine was disrupted. Mom would glare at me, like it was my fault, and I wanted to say to her, "What do you expect? You made me his mother for six weeks. You ran away, not me. It's your fault."

My parents are tearing my world apart bit by bit and blaming me. This is just perfect. I can't help it that Steven and I are close. I can't help it that Steven wants to be like me. I CAN make sure that doesn't happen. I don't want him to be this angry, like I am, all the time. I don't want him to feel like every time they fight, it's his fault. I don't want him to think that no one loves him, that it's impossible to love him. To feel like nothing he does is good enough. I don't want him to be like me. Is that too much to ask?

I don't want him to have to hurt as much as I did when I was his age. I don't want him to hurt as much as I do now.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 10:09 AM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (2) |
Wednesday, February 9, 2005
The Scandalous Summer of Sissy LeBlanc
Topic: { * eVerythiNg * }
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Summer '79 -- The Ataris
First of all, that's an awesome book. Hysterical and totally great. Even if it's set in the fifties.

Because of this book, I have made a rather pleasant discovery: I'm not that crazy. I'm really not. I thought I was. But no. I am totally not as bad as Sissy. {Although I wish I could be occasionally ... *innocent angel face* Lol.}

I've made several rather pleasant discoveries in the past few days. Most of them I choose not to reveal here. Of the ones I can list here:

I'm pretty.
I'll be 18 in less than a year.
I'm madly in love.
It is barely possible that my story will have a happy ending.
I've begun writing poetry again {blast the coffee house!!!}.

The really amazing part? I'm happy. Not just content-like-I-have-a-mediocre-life. Happy. With the energy and endless smiles and everything that goes along with being happy.

There are only two bad things I can think of at the moment. 1) it's not summer, and 2) trying to fit everyone into my life. It's unbelievable, how hard it is to remember everything and get it all done, dammit. I'm not used to having to squish friends into my schedule and it sucks. I stay up till 4 AM because I can only read at night. This is why I haven't been writing as much -- I'm so blasted busy.

But eh. And summer will come eventually.

Another pleasant discovery: I found the perfect top for my schoolgirl skirt. Now if only it were summer. I could wear the whole outfit and I wouldn't freeze to death or have to wear my Dickies under the skirt or wear my boots. Yeah, life is good.

Maybe I should start putting together another one. I have the schoolgirl set and I'm working on the maid set. Maybe something gothic this time. Black leather. I've always liked leather. A black leather corset. Hmm. Chains maybe. {God knows I have enough metal, I would only need locks.} I'll have to think about it.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 7:52 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (2) |
Friday, February 4, 2005
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
Topic: { * eVerythiNg * }
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Jump -- Simple Plan
AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

Ashley, will you just fuck off?!?! This is ridiculous!!! I hate the fighting!!! Why won't you leave me alone?! There are enough problems in this world without you adding to them!! My family is falling apart!! I don't need your bullshit!!

I swear to god I could strangle you at this moment. Do you know what you did??? No, let me ask that differently ... do you know what you made me do??? The headache I had this morning wasn't just stress and tension. I fell into my wall and hit my head pretty damn hard. Why did I fall into a wall? Not because I'm a stupid blonde {I'm not blonde by the way}. I was unconscious. Why was I unconscious? I knocked myself out. I suffocated. I can't take your shit. All I want is to get away from you. You are driving me insane.

Stop threatening to tell everyone my stupid history. Stop asking me stupid questions. Stop stop stop. I don't know what you want. I don't much care. Just stop, please stop. Stop with the calling me. The emailing me. The posting on my blog. Leave me alone. Get over it. Fuck off.

Yes, you read right: Fuck off. Not fuck you, I know you'll take that wrong. Just go away. I can't stand you and you can't stand me. Get out of my life. You don't love me. You're freaking obsessed with me. I don't know why, I don't want to know why. But quit talking me. Don't talk to Josh. Don't explode this with everyone else. That would be just like you, to tell Nancy and Jeannie and J and Tim and Rachel and Ace and Mom and Monica and Shannon and Michelle and Jason and Debbie and everyone and attempt to make my life more miserable. Kelly will back me up if you do that, I'm not worried about that. I want you to drop it completely. Permanently.

I hate you.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 1:39 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Sunday, January 9, 2005
You Won't Try For Me
Topic: { * eVerythiNg * }
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Missing -- Evanescence
Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
Maybe someday you'll look up
And barely conscious, you'll say to no one
Isn't something missing

You won't cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant
Am I so insignificant
Isn't something missing
Isn't someone missing me

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me

Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
I know what you do to yourself
I breathe deep and cry out
Isn't something missing
Isn't someone missing me

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me

And if I bleed
I'll bleed
Knowing you don't care
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there

Isn't something missing
Isn't something

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't something missing
Isn't someone missing me


I think that mostly sums up how I feel. I went to Philly today. I'm still in disgrace and my dad is still yanking me around instead of talking to me. {Hopefully I don't get five thousand bruises. I can just see it now, I'll have to go somewhere and some person will ask me if my parents are hitting me. I need a spell to ward off the goddam counselor, I know she'll ask me about it.} The rest of my family, my mom and both my brohers, have taken to either snapping at me or completely ignoring me.

Can't you feel the love and happiness and warmth in this house?

I swear. This is getting rather out of hand. Just what did I do that was so wrong? I apologize for being born on the 26th. I apologize for existing. What more can I say I'm sorry for?

Grrr. Plus, I'm frustrated. Broken glass is not as sharp as it's said to be. I want to cut so damn bad. It's driving me crazy. Either I find something sharp enough to do the job or I scream so loud they'll have to lock me into a soundproof room just to shut me up.

I can't find a way to get it out of my system. Other than cutting or screaming. Another way would be to cry myself to sleep, but I can't do that. I can't cry on command. {I can burst into tears at the sight of a dead bird in my yard but watch some innocent bystander die in a driveby without shedding a tear. It's ridiculous.}

I feel absolutely worthless. Invisible, worthless, inconvenient, stupid, ugly me. Funny, I almost want to say it's not fair. But life isn't fair and I most likely deserve it in some way that I haven't thought of yet. That's the way my life works. I'm just ... nothing. Yeah, it makes me mad, but that's always how it works.

There's two sides to this. I feel like nothing on one side, and on the other side I'm raging at this little box they've put me in. I'm furious, but I only have enough energy to hurt one person. {Which happens to be the person who deserves it the most.}

I've been eating junk food {popcorn, chocolate, etc.} more than usual because there's nothing else for me to do. Steven is always on the computer {there go my stories and poems etc.}. Greg is always playing Xbox {there goes any TV I may consider watching}. My parents are always on the phone {I can't call anyone because my calls aren't nearly as important as theirs}. Grr. I hate this.

Question of the century: Would anyone give a shit if I died tonight? {Answer: Most likely not.}

FUCK LIFE. I HATE THEM.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 7:31 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Updated: Sunday, January 9, 2005 7:57 PM EST
Wednesday, January 5, 2005
I'm Still "Bubbly" and Stuff
Topic: { * eVerythiNg * }
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Thoughtless -- Evanescence
Yes I know, Thoughtless isn't really a happy song but hell.

"Bubbly" and happy and smiley is not how I normally act. I'm normally quiet and laid-back and "whatever-ish". My mother thinks I'm on drugs because I keep randomly grinning and stuff. {It's kind of funny in a way.}

Why do I keep randomly grinning and why am I being all "bubbly" and happy? Guess. Not even Diva is too dumb to guess. {J/K, Diva.} Yeah, I keep thinking about yesterday. There! I randomly grinned! {Although you can't see me ... shush, leave me alone. I'm not bright that way.} Josh can make me laugh even when he's not here. I'm so happy it's almost scary. *muah* I miss ou Josh.

It's Wednesday. Which means tomorrow is Thursday. Which means ... THE OC!! YAY!! It's either this week or next week they start playing all the new episodes. Seth is my absolute favorite. And I dunno, Summer cracks me up, but I relate better to Marissa. {"How can you be claustrophobic in a building with three sides made of windows?!" "I can't breathe." LMMFAO} I know Modest Mouse is on the show tomorrow.

*yawn* I need to find something to do....


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 12:59 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Oy
Topic: { * eVerythiNg * }
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Breathe No More -- Evanescence
Lie to me, convince me that I've been sick forever
And all of this will make sense when I get better....

I have got to stop eating so much freaking sugar. I got approximately three hours of sleep because I went on a chocolate spree and was hyper all night. Good god that was bad. Combine that with my insomnia and you have one scary-looking chick at the moment. Yeesh.

So I'm posting because I'm bored and I'm avoiding sugar and I don't think anyone knows I'm awake yet. *rubs eyes* The OC is on tonight. Reruns. I'm debating whether I want to watch or not. Heathers is on too. I might watch that instead. {Ohmigod! She's contemplating skipping the OC!! Unthinkable!}

10 AM and I'm hungry but the only thing that doesn't make me nauseous at the moment is candy. I can't have candy for breakfast. At least not today. Candy = bad. Candy = hyper. Hyper = bad. Yeah.

I gotta find something to do. That's easier than it sounds, actually. There's lots of stuff I can do. Work on my story, clean my room, take a shower, eat breakfast, read a book, listen to music, etc. I just don't want to do any of those things.

I'm waiting for my mom and Steven to leave so I can watch Anywhere But Home. God how I love that DVD. But they won't leave till 11. Ahh I'm going to go insane!! Maybe I'll just go upstairs and make myself eat something.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 10:00 AM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Still feel like sh*t
Topic: { * eVerythiNg * }
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: A lack Of Color -- Death Cab For Cutie
I still feel like sh*t -- but I'm OK with that. Death Cab is an ESSENTIAL part of Chrismukkah. (And why do some people spell Hanukkah "Chanukah"? There is no "CH" sound in Hanukkah, people!!) According to me, Coheed & Cambria are essential too. I just don't have any of the CDs yet.

I should get a yarmaclaus. (Yarmalke + Santa hat ... very interesting.) They're so great. (Monica wears a yarmalke on Hanukkah! LOL Tiff.)

OK. Enough Chrismukkah. On to Christmas Eve. Oh God, Christmas Eve. I have realized there is no way I can avoid Pennsylvania this year. It either invades my bed (damn my uncle) or I get sent there for three days. I don't know which is worse. I can handle Brittany for a day. I can handle Aunt Susan. I can handle all of them. But my uncle and his girlfriend ... well no, I like Pat, nvm. Just my uncle. And it's not even that I dislike my uncle. It's that the whole atmosphere in the house changes when my uncle and my dad are in the same area. I hate it. Everyone either gets really redneck or really ... opposite redneck, what I like to call Victorian-ish. Usually it's my mom's side that gets Victorian-ish and my dad's side that gets redneck. Although Aunt Susan has her moments lol.

Grr and darn it. Ocean Avenue won't play. Stupid AOL.

Anyway. This sucks. Xmas sucks. My f*ed-up family sucks. I hate my dad. I hate him with a passion! Well, not always ... sometimes there's just the vague feeling of utter loathing. But still. He's ruining my life. What am I talking about? He's ALWAYS ruined my life.

But being the secretive, quiet, sneaky b*tch I am, no one knows what I'm talking about. I've got a crazy idea to tell the whole thing and see how many people tell me how sorry they are to hear that. By the way, I'm not sneaky or secretive. Just a quiet b*tch. Story in a nutshell: Until we moved, when I was like twelve (I think I was twelve), we went to this Baptist church where absolutely every kid there my age hated me. I know why too. (I was the daughter of that creepy, religious old man. I was one of THEM. One of the kids who can recite whole books out of the Bible on command. THEM.) There were three of the girls who loved to tease me and make me cry, names Christy, Courtney and Rebecca. Laura too, but that wasn't till later. My mom didn't know about this till I was older, ten or so. She told my dad when she found out.

OK, this is longer than I thought. I'm almost done, no worries.

At that point, I didn't hate my dad. I just didn't like him at all. But my mom told me to ask daddy what to do. So I did, being the obediant child that I am. Do you know what he said to me? Of course not. No one else knows this story. He told me to pray about it. Read the Bible more. He spouted off Bible verses, told me to memorize them and quote them to the girls when they made me cry.

Bible verses. Pray.

Yep, any respect I had for him went straight down the toilet right about then. I started hating him. He didn't understand. Oh yes, connected to that story, there's one little thing. That Sunday night, after I went to bed, I started crying because of various things. My dad came in, flipped on the light and asked what was wrong. I was mad at him because of the Bible verses thing. I refused to talk to him. He asked again. I had had it. I screamed as loud I could -- "No one understands me and you don't listen to me!" He slapped me. For being disobediant and disrespectful.

He ruined my life. It was his fault that I never fit in. It's his fault that I'm so f*ed-up now. And now I'm going to shut up before I get any more pissed off and start screaming on here and telling more crap that no one wants to hear. (See? No one listens. I figured all that crap out when I was ten. The only thing everyone is interested in is themselves. They don't want to hear anyone else's problems. People like you if you stay quiet and listen to them. They won't like you if you talk to them. No one understands anyone else. And this, my friends, is the secret to life in my opinion.)


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 10:30 AM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
*insert generic title here*
Topic: { * eVerythiNg * }
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Papa -- Vanessa Carlton
Heather chill. You have some serious issues. You need to back the f*** off me. Find someone else to harass. It's getting old fast.

I'm serious, people. Not just Heather. The ones I'm talking to know who they are. You all need to back the f*** off before I get pissed off. There IS a limit to the amount of crap I'll take. That limit is getting severely pushed as I type. Stop getting all up in my business. Stop messing with me. Stop picking at me for whatever. OK?

I don't really care whether you like who I'm dating or not. What ticks me off is the way EVERYONE disses me behind my back and to my face about it. Get a f***ing life, people. I know a lot of you are jealous. Get over it. It's YOUR fault if you can't get someone of your own. Stop trying to f***ing keep me single and unhappy. Stop it.

I don't understand WHY you people insist on trying to ruin my life when I'm so f***ing happy!! What is so wrong with me having a boyfriend and being happpy?! Why can't you just be f***ing happy for me?

I feel bad for the next person who calls me. (Not bad enough that I won't f***ing break a window screaming at them, though.)


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 5:08 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (1) |

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