Site hosted by Angelfire.com: Build your free website today!
LINKS
ARCHIVE
« August 2019 »
S M T W T F S
1 2 3
4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17
18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26 27 28 29 30 31
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Careening towards the edge, wheeeeee!
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:  flirty
Now Playing: Soldier -- Destiny's Child
Everyone run. I am in an extremely mischievious mood. Flirtatious too. It is time to create some deviltry. Wreak some havoc. Get some people in trouble {as long as I don't get in trouble lol}.

Hopefully this mood has worn off by the time I go to work. Monday I had to work with another page. That was boring. I work better on my own darn it. And I can't help it that I'm not as fast as everyone else. I just started. Mrs. Martin, I think that was her name. She's nice and all, but eh.... She makes me nervous and I don't know why. Maybe it's just me.

Woohoo. I'm now officially seventeen. I don't feel any different. Other than really mischievious and all. And really antsy. I can't sit still long.

This is the bad thing about my really manic moods -- I go all A.D.D. and crazy and yeah. Some people can use yesterday as an example. {Johnny Depp with the leather and the hair ... in bondage pants... *evil grin* ... yummy ... lmao. Tinkerbelle and Wednesday!} Yeah I had a strange day yesterday. Does the fact that Mr. Potato Head stores stuff in his butt bother anyone else? I mean, in Toy Story 2, his wife is seen stuffing eyes and a mustache in his arse! Am I the only one who finds that disturbing??

Anyway.

I'm going to shut up before I get started for today.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 10:25 AM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (2) |
Monday, January 24, 2005
work
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Holiday -- Green Day
Tired ... so tired ....

I didn't know putting books away was so blasted tiring. You wouldn't think it is. But jeez. Maybe it's just me. I dunno. What worries me is when I start class too. I have work MW, class TTh. Which means that I have work the day between classes. How am I going to get all this crap done? Throw in babysitting and the various other parts of my life and I may go nuts.

So I should be glad to have this part of the week where I'm not really doing anything. I should be relaxing tomorrow, and most of Wednesday {which is my birthday anyway, even if I do have work}. I should be chill. Instead, I have this nagging feeling that I should be doing something. I can't relax because I feel like I should be moving and accomplishing things. Grr.

I should relax with some chocolate and a good book and a long hot shower and the radio playing jazz tomorrow. Why do I know that it's not going to work that way?? Why can't I chill out??

Maybe it's stress. I'm stressing about class on Thursday. I'm stressing about not feeling ready and wishing I had more time. I'm stressing about work {already?!} and how I'm going to coordinate the homework and the work so I get it all done and pass the classes with the perfect A's my parents are expecting of me AND doing the perfect job at work that they're expecting of me.

Hell, I'm stressing about little shit like this cold I have and whether I really have to have new shoes {the ones I wear most of the time now have holes in the heels, but they can last till spring if they have to} and what to do with my birthday money. Should I spend it at all? Or should I save it? If I save it, I'll be that closer to getting my own car. If I move out when I turn 18, I'll need a car. I won't get the one I'm driving now, as far as I know. And if I need a car, I need money to buy a car. {No, my parents won't help me. Please. My parents? That's a laugh.}

What I really want to do is nothing. I want to be able to chill. Grrr.

For those of you who don't know by now, I'm in that place where I'm getting un-depressed and I have some energy, but not quite enough to deal with my life -- plus this cold is draining me slowly. I'm entering my manic phase. Woohoo. I can make so many morbid, freaky jokes right about now ... but I won't. Nobody make me mad or upset, I now have the willpower and energy to kill myself. {Sorry, I couldn't resist lmao.}

I'm tired. I'm going to go ... something ... somewhere ... yeah ... god I am nuts ...


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 8:32 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Thursday, January 13, 2005
I'm Moving Out
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: I Won't Be There -- Simple Plan
I'm moving out.

Temporarily.

My dad is still treating me like shyt and I'm getting tired of it. If he's still acting like this tomorrow, then I'm gone for the weekend. Screw him.

So today I have to wash all my clothes. Open my checking account. Figure out the blasted W-4 and other assorted forms. Go back to the library and get my schedule. Get a shower at some point. And remember to eat something so I don't get yelled at for being "anorexic". {How am I anorexic if I'm a cube?!}

I think I can do all that. I hope. And the library stuff I have to get done before 8.00.

Making it through today is the only thing I'm concentrating on. Oh and getting my mom to let me go to the mall tomorrow. {Extended escape time lol!!} Those damned forms are going to cause me the most trouble because I don't speak legalese. {How the hell do people do their taxes if they don't know wtf is going on half the time?! THIS is how the government is getting all our money. They do it on purpose. And the accountant people are in on the scam. I bet the government is paying them off to make people lose more money than they need to. Lmao.} Anyway.

The one thing that irritates me the most is the way my dad acts like I'm stupid. {Remember the telemarketer, Nat? That mofo!!} He treats me like I'm stupid, worthless, invisible, a pain. I can't do anything to make him happy. Nothing I do is good enough for him. All I want is for him to stop being mad at me. Is that too goddamn much to ask??

Yes, I'm aware that my dad and I have never been on "good" terms. But it was never this bad. I don't know what I did, I don't know why he's mad at me, I don't know how to fix it, I don't know how to make everyone happy, I'm just clueless. As usual. He won't talk to me and tell me why he acts like he hates me. He just glares at me. I never ever thought I would say this, but that kinda hurts.

I need to talk about something happy. I sound ridiculous. {Think happy thoughts!} Oh lord. I've been pulled in. Damn reality/dating shows. I've started watching BMOC. There's this one girl on there, Michaela, who is totally me. Naturally, she has to win, according to me. Why? Because she's just like me and I understand her {kind of} and yeah. She's all insecure and tries not to show it and she's not sure what's going on but she knows what she wants and I was sitting there watching the show and thinking, "That's how I feel. Maybe she has more of a clue than I do and I can figure out how everyone else does this confusing thing called 'being an adult'. Except I'm not an adult. I'm just being treated like I'm one." Michaela is either 18 or 19, I forget which, and she's the youngest girl on the show.

Yeah, she's my celebrity personality all right.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 9:27 AM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Saturday, January 8, 2005
Good News, Bad News
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Breathe No More -- Evanescence
Actually I'm singing it, not playing it, but oh well. I have good news and bad news, so my mood should read celebratory/down.

Good news first: I have restocked on chocolate. I'm home alone. I'm in a pretty damn good mood despite the bad news. I'm not in Philly. I'm happy cause I hung out with Josh yesterday.

Oh yes, and did I mention I had my interview today? And I didn't totally f*** it up? Don't know if I got the job yet, but hey I'm proud of myself.

OK, now the bad news: My arm has a bruise from where my dad twisted it {and it still freaking hurts}. My dad is being a complete bastard. My birthday has become ammunition in my parents' war {forget me doing anything or having any kind of party}, which really makes me upset because it's MY birthday, you know? And they're all like, "Well you can't do anything this day because your FATHER *insert glare* wants to go somewhere," and "Forget going anyplace that day because your MOTHER *insert glare* is having friends over," etc. And I have stuff I want to do {and am damn well going to do} for my birthday. FYI, they don't give a rat's azz that I'm turning 17. Their only concern is that the other parent is not happy. Grr. Anyway. I think that covers the bad news.

This birthday shiz is really making me upset though. My dad makes it sound like my birthday is an inconvenience and like it's my fault we can't go to Philly so his mother can have Xmas. I'm all for my grandma having Xmas, but there is stuff I want to do. I want to meet Josh's family. I want to hang out with my chick friends. I'm turning 17 and nobody in my family cares. Nobody. I don't think anyone even knows how old I am right now. This sucks. Oh and to top all that, Steven is turning 7 and EVERYONE is making a huge deal out of it. My mom is going crazy with joy and planning this HUGE bash for him and shiz. His birthday is four days after mine, people!! Grr.

There's more stuff I want to say but this birthday crap is getting in the way. It's like I'm freaking invisible all of a sudden. {When I finally went inside last night, no one knew I was even out there. No one cared. I went into my room and cried.} My mom doesn't talk to me. My dad doesn't talk to me {no, he twists my arm and yanks me around instead} which is fine because I don't want to talk to him either. My brothers are either hitting me or ignoring me completely. No one cares. When I left with Josh on Tuesday, my mom didn't know I was gone after an hour {and after she gave me the puzzled look and said, "You're leaving? For where?" and then just walked away}. Yes, I know I wish for them to get off my back, but I didn't mean that I wanted them to completely cut me out.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 2:24 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (3) |
Tuesday, January 4, 2005
Lemony Snicket and My Hair and Air Hockey and Other Things
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Tourniquet -- Evanescence
I have yet another Lemony Snicket book! And surprise surprise, I've alread finished it. {Fast reader.} How did I get hold of another one? Blame my hair.

My beautiful hair that I love and believe to be my only really good feature -- has been cut off. {GASP!! HER HAIR!! GONE?!} No. Not gone. But .... It's short now. It's a full two inches shorter. *tear* My hair ... my beautiful hair .... And it's going back to whatever color it really is and then the ends are going to be dark red. Woohoo. Fun fun. Step two in this plan is to find a hair dye that matches my natural hair color. {Actually, first I have to figure out what color it really is. Then the dye.} After I re-dye it {hopefully it won't look totally stupid, what with the highlights and the other natural hair that I'm hoping won't get dyed four shades darker than the rest of my hair lol}, I'm going to bleach the ends and then dye the ends. I should be done by January 26. Hell yeah. Blasted if I'm not. This is my goal now. Red ends by my birthday.

OK. There is a way to 1) not let me win and 2) ensure that I win the game in air hockey. {I swear you jinxed me, Josh!}

Yes today is Tuesday. Tuesday, January 4. {Oh hell, it's already January!! Lol.} For you deaf and blind idiots who have either learned to ignore me or just have A.D.D., this means that Josh and I have been dating for three months. Wow! Lol. So today was a special day. We went to Applebee's for lunch and to the mall {where I was supposed to kick butt at air hockey and didn't}. Yes, Natalie, we went through Sears. Didn't see him lol. We saw Ocean's Twelve! Twelve is the new Eleven!! The movie kicks azz. {Julia Roberts playing Tess Ocean playing Julia Roberts ... who was told she didn't look like Julia Roberts. I love it.}

But what made the day awesome was being with Josh the whole time. *muah* I love you Josh.

So yes, my day has been terrific. And now I want some more chocolate so off I go to read and stuff lol.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 9:31 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Sunday, January 2, 2005
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Now Playing: Run To You -- Evanescence
Oh. My. God.

Guess who I saw today? No, not the Pope. No, not Pam Anderson. No, not Amy. {Unfortunately. That would be much, much better.}

I saw Joe today. My mother dragged me, kicking and screaming, into Sears to look for curtains. {God damn the curtains.} We walked past his register, and at first I didn't see him. Then he said something and I turned around. He gave me this glare, like he wanted to kill me. So I kept walking, and like five minutes later, I heard his voice again. He was right behind me!!!

Until we left Sears, he was always nearby. It was scary. I was practically hyperventilating and in tears and just losing it in general. When we got home, I went into my room to get something and I started crying 'cause I was all upset and sh*t. {I told my mom I didn't want to go in there! But no, she said it would be good for me. Good for me?}

Eeesh. I'm going to go and try to calm down. *tear* I don't like him!! I miss *Josh*....


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 4:56 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (1) |
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
The mall and junk
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh!
I get to babysit Brycson!! YAY!! I love that kid. And maybe, possibly, later in the day I'll go to the mall. (If I can get a ride....) I'm trying to take Natalie because it's her birthday and all.

HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY, NATALIE!!!

So yeah. And I feel lousy as hell. Oh well a shower and some food should fix that.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way....


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 9:40 AM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (1) |
Monday, December 20, 2004
I'm Ruining People's Lives Again
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Worst Day Ever -- Simple Plan
I'm ruining people's lives again. Today is not turning out well. I ruined lunch. My mom was making bread and I told Greg to take it out of the bread machine 17 minutes too early. Not on purpose, mom told me to call him on the cell phone and tell him to take it out. Well, she failed to mention to check the timer before I told Greg to take the bread out. Then I got blamed for it and was given the silent treatment for three hours after we got home. (On the way home, I got screamed at.)

I did something else too, but I forget what it is at the moment. Somehow I got blamed for the fire going out too, even though I wasn't home and there wasn't a blasted thing I could have done about it. I got yelled at for wearing a tank top. How stupid is that??

Oi. Plus my skin is driving me nuts. I hate having combination skin. Oily skin and dry skin is crazy! I have to moisturize half my face and dry out the other half. It's ridiculous. Why can't I be like 90% of the female teenage population and just have dry skin? Since it's winter, it's twice as bad. My cheeks and lips are chapped and everything else is blah. I hate skin.

Something good about today. *Josh* is coming over. Yay! I'm not crazy anymore. Which is good. Oh oh yeah. I know I'm getting The Killers CD for Xmas. And my pinstripe hat. And I have a sneaking suspicion that I have a pinstripe jacket and a silk cami to go with! What else do I know I have ... the Destiny's Child CD ... I think that's all. Xmas is five days away!! Ahh!!

*muah* I miss you Josh.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 3:08 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (2) |
Sunday, December 12, 2004
The rest of the story
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Now Playing: Christmas-y music
The tree fell on me.

It was acutally quite funny. I was standing there with three ornaments in my hands and I was looking at the tree, and I thought, "Hmm it looks like it's moving." Then BOOM! It fell and landed on me. My mom goes, "Great catch, Ducki!" I was like, "Uhhh... yeah. Get it off me." Lol.

So that was the "good" part of the day. (Oh btw Josh, I can go. I think. Long story.) Bad part of the day: Apparently the psycho is stalking Josh. (Natalie ... if I find out you had something to do with this ... *glares*.) Josh was in the mall, in the food court, and apparently the psycho was there and was staring at Josh. (Sears uniform, brown hair ... yep that's him.) What I want to know is whether the psycho knows who Josh is, or was just doing his creepy stare for no reason.

More bad part of the day: Everyone in my house is touchy and tense and grouchy today. Therefore, it's hard to keep my temper in check. (Run, run far away.) The lack of music doesn't help any. Nor does the constant yelling and glaring among family members. (God ... talk about looks that can kill ...)
Remembering that I can take a shower and wash my hair tomorrow is getting me through. That and remembering that Gray will bring me my music back. Hopefully. (That sounds weird.)

Off to check my email.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 8:36 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (4) |
Thursday, December 2, 2004
Harassment
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Something off of Disclaimer II
He's stalking me dammit. I saw him in the mall. Well no, actually he saw me. He was watching me. In the food court. Scary.

"I gave my life away. There's nothing left to say."

He's stalking me. He called my house at 6.30 this morning and talked to my MOTHER. Why can't he leave me alone?! Is he that jealous? (I was talking about the guys behind the register and he was standing behind me, staring at me.)

"And I don't feel right when you're gone away."

Why is he following me and watching me? It's not funny. It's not cool. I dun like it, it's scary yo. I almost cried. Why won't he go?

He scares me. He looked at me in the mall, and I thought he was gonna hit me. His hands were all clenched into fists and he looked so mad.... I saw him glaring at the guy behind the register at Chick-Fil-A (the one I had been talking to) like he wanted to kill him.

I wanna hide lol.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 4:27 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Thanksgiving
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:  amorous
Now Playing: Spiderman on TV
I was sooooooo lonely for half of this holiday. I was confused and upset for a quarter of the holiday. And then I was pretty happy and content for the other quarter.
Guess why I was lonely and confused and upset? Yes, I started thinking again. See, only problems arise when I do this. I started missing guess who.
Joe was with me all day. And around the middle of the day I started to yes, think about guess who. (Actually, it was more than one person, but I'm not going to go all lesbian on here right now.) So then I got confused and upset.
(I plan on attempting to stay calm and not swear on this entry.) So. I started to think about Josh. Started to really miss Josh. While I'm sitting on Joe's lap. Now that, my friends, is a strange thing to happen. I was sitting there, thinking to myself, "This would be the easiest thing to fix if you weren't such a coward. What's the worst that'll happen?" (Warning: I am about to be totally honest. And baring my soul to the public is NOT somthing I would normally do, but I have to figure this out and I may as well do it now.) "You know they both really care about you. Joe has 'the plan'. There's absolutely no pressure with Josh. If you weren't so scared of not knowing what's going to happen, you wouldn't be in this sitch in the first place. Why can't you just leave Joe? So what if your pretty little picture of the future crumbles away into dust? Isn't it more important to be totally happy?" And then, because I'm semi-schizo, I think back at myself: "But how do I know that I'll stay happy? What if it all falls apart like it normally does? What if Josh gets tired of me or something happens and then --"
"But what if, another year down the road, you regret it? What if you're alone anyway? Why not be happy now?"
"I AM happy. Kind of. Not really. OK, I'm happy with both Josh and Joe."
"But who makes you happier?"
*long silence*
"See. You coward. You're just scared."
"OK, so maybe I am. But you know what? It's like stepping off one side of the Grand Canyon or some cliff and trying to make it to the other side of the drop. What if I do break up with Joe and then Josh breaks up with me? What if I screw up again?"
"You're young, it doesn't matter if you mess up. It doesn't matter till you're old, like 30. Coward."
And I know, I am a coward. I'm scared. I'm sorry.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 8:59 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (1) |
Wednesday, November 3, 2004
I Think I'm More Coherent Now
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Anything But Ordinary -- Avril Lavigne
I think I'll switch songs. *changes song to* Over and Over -- Nelly feat. Tim McGraw. Much
better. I think I may be feeling a teensy bit depressed. Or perhaps that's me, still tired (I haven't
slept yet).
I dunno, I feel the need to declare the fact that I am totally independant (even though we ALL
know this is completely not the case). I have the need to be independant. I hate parents. I want to
go live at my best friend's place. I want to live anywhere but with my dad.
I don't remember if I've ever told my "horror stories" about my dad on here before. Well, I may as
well begin now.
First off, he's a religious redneck with no consideration for others. OK, he has some consideration,
but not often. I think his record is something like four times in a year or so. Anyway. Where was I?
Oh yes. Religious redneck, some consideration, he has no communication skills at all and he's
convinced that he's always right (hence the consideration thing).
I hate the fact that he's so goddamn religious because I think he could actually be semi-cool if he
wasn't all Christian and so on. He's the only person I know of who doesn't know I'm bisexual.
(Well, I don't know, he may have figured it out by now. He cost me a relationship with his
bullheaded ignorance.) At least, I never actually came out to him.
He thinks I'm still 12. So I may look like I am, but I'm not!! I'm fucking 16!! I'll be 17 in a few
months!! He tries to control the teensy bit of my life he knows about. It drives me crazy.
OK. That's the normal stuff. A creepy little anecdote: He stands in my doorway while I'm brushing
my hair and just looks at me. I know he's there, I can see him in the goddamn mirror. He leans
against the dorrframe and just ... watches, stares, silently. You'd think I was naked or something.
Then when I'm done brushing my hair, he'll come over to me and ... I don't know, pet me I guess
is the right way to say it. He pets my hair. It creeps the hell out of me.
That's enough family weirdness. But I want out of this house.
Although maybe I should get some sleep before running off again, huh?


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 6:58 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (1) |
I Think I'm More Coherent Now
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Anything But Ordinary -- Avril Lavigne
I think I'll switch songs. *changes song to* Over and Over -- Nelly feat. Tim McGraw. Much better. I think I may be feeling a teensy bit depressed. Or perhaps that's me, still tired (I haven't slept yet).
I dunno, I feel the need to declare the fact that I am totally independant (even though we ALL know this is completely not the case). I have the need to be independant. I hate parents. I want to go live at my best friend's place. I want to live anywhere but with my dad.
I don't remember if I've ever told my "horror stories" about my dad on here before. Well, I may as well begin now.
First off, he's a religious redneck with no consideration for others. OK, he has some consideration, but not often. I think his record is something like four times in a year or so. Anyway. Where was I? Oh yes. Religious redneck, some consideration, he has no communication skills at all and he's convinced that he's always right (hence the consideration thing).
I hate the fact that he's so goddamn religious because I think he could actually be semi-cool if he wasn't all Christian and so on. He's the only person I know of who doesn't know I'm bisexual. (Well, I don't know, he may have figured it out by now. He cost me a relationship with his bullheaded ignorance.) At least, I never actually came out to him.
He thinks I'm still 12. So I may look like I am, but I'm not!! I'm fucking 16!! I'll be 17 in a few months!! He tries to control the teensy bit of my life he knows about. It drives me crazy.
OK. That's the normal stuff. A creepy little anecdote: He stands in my doorway while I'm brushing my hair and just looks at me. I know he's there, I can see him in the goddamn mirror. He leans against the dorrframe and just ... watches, stares, silently. You'd think I was naked or something. Then when I'm done brushing my hair, he'll come over to me and ... I don't know, pet me I guess is the right way to say it. He pets my hair. It creeps the hell out of me.
That's enough family weirdness. But I want out of this house.
Although maybe I should get some sleep before running off again, huh?


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 5:19 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
*faints from excitement, sleep deprivation and hunger*
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Things I'll Never Say -- Avril Lavigne
Bush won ... yay ... I need sleep and food. Unfortunately I'm babysitting and can't sleep. >.< Oh well. I'll sleep later. Thursday, Thursday is the premiere of The O.C.!!! WOOHOO!! I'm gonna watch it with one of my best friends (sorry Alex, you would only talk and talk about how hot Ryan is and that is somewhat distracting after a while -- although yes, he is hot). God I need caffeine. "There's too much blood in my caffeine system!!" LOL.
I've had a pretty good day, I saw *Josh* and talked to a zillion people. (Shush Kelly.) OK I seriously need sleep so anything coherent is going to have to wait.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 2:40 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |

Latest | Newer | Older