Sunday, February 13, 2005
What I Should Be Doing Right Now
Topic: { me }
Mood:
lazy
Now Playing: Something by Yellowcard
I should be making my notes for the blasted psych test on Tuesday. But I'm in a slightly sh*tty mood today. I have work tomorrow and all I want to do is sleep in. Ugh.
I don't even have anything to say really. I don't want to do anything. I just want ... f*ck, I don't even know what I want. Go figure. Today is not going to be a good day.
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Life #6 Is MIA
Topic: { me }
Mood:
a-ok
Now Playing: Welcome To My Life -- Simple Plan
I have lots of lives. I have my school life. My work life. My home life. My friends-etc. life. My Web life. I don't have a life of my own.
Seems weird but it's true. When I'm in my room, I don't have time for myself. I'm getting dressed or cleaning up or getting something or putting something away. Or sleeping. I need a room life. {Shut up, Kelly. Not that kind of room life. Talk to Ashley. She'll tell you. I'm not telling. Ashley shouldn't tell either but we all know she will anyway. As long as no one tells you-know-who. He doesn't know and it's something I don't want brought up again.} Maybe a me life sounds better. My own life. Some time where I can just chill and sit and quietly contemplate stuff.
This is why I haven't screwed anything up lately. I have no time to think about what I'm doing. I have to just do it. {Nike. Oh god. I'm Nike and I'm just doing it. Wonderful. No wonder you people call me ... that special name. Leave me alone. Lmao Ashley. Keep it quiet, please.}
Not only am I sarcastic, I'm having the damned dream again. And I know a certain someone will threaten to tell about it so I'll do it on here and beat her to it. Months ago, I had a really weird dream. I'm NOT going to say exactly what happened, but after that dream I had a really hard time remembering I was female. Well, not that I was female, but that I was supposed to act like a female. {Think girly thoughts!! Lmao.} It was bad. Very bad. And now it's back. I don't know why. I don't have any girl crushes. Not that I know of, at least. And I'm bouncing back and forth between being really girly {ack} and being ... not girly.
Which is messing me up because I start with the re-questioning and wondering just what is wrong with me exactly. I always thought that being bi meant I liked guys and girls pretty much equally and it generally stayed balanced. But noooo. That would just be too simple. Instead, I bounce like a freaking bouncy ball. The funny part? The more not-girly I feel, the more girly I dress. It's ridiculous.
Kelly and Ahs and whoever else is after me, don't screw me up any more than I already am! Ashley, no more with the calling and the tears and the telling me how much you miss me and love me and you want me back because it's not working. {OK maybe a little bit but I'm not coming back. You just make me feel guilty. And no calling Josh and talking to him either. I swear to god I will kick your ass if you do because I know what you want to tell him and that is not happening.} Kelly knows I'm not gonna do anything with her. Two reasons. She's in Philly. And the only way she could get me to do it is if she got me extremely drunk. Which she can't do.
Anyway. Back to my lives. Sorry, I got a bit distracted. Eh. Maybe I need to address my bouncing sexuality more than I need to address my lack of a personal life. I swear it's a curse to be bi sometimes.
I'm really tempted to completely spill, but there are people who read this that would freak out and hate me and run far far away from me and I don't want that to happen. So I'm going to shut up for now.
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Holy sh*t y'all
Topic: { me }
Mood:
accident prone
Now Playing: nothing
Holy sh*t. I dyed my hair today. It was
SUPPOSED to turn
brown. Do you know what color it turned??? {It's kinda still turning, so actually I'm not sure what color it really is yet.} Well I'm not going to tell. Call me and ask me. But holy sh*t that is scary-looking.
My mother is going to kill me. Oh my god. I don't even
know what I think about it yet. Wow.
OK so anyway. God how my life changes in a week. I was cooling off at my dad until last night. For those blind, deaf, stupid people who don't know, I'm bi. {The whole world and MARS knows!! Lol.} Remember this.
Josh came over and brought the movie Without A Paddle. There's this one lesbian scene {nothing graphic, just talking} and my dad flipped out. Totally flipped out. He was all "TURN THAT OFF. THAT DOES NOT BELONG IN THIS HOUSE. THAT IS COMPLETELY WRONG. TURN IT OFF NOW." I was so friggin mad. I was so mad I was ready to march up to the mafuqqin homophobe and tell him that I was bi. {Which will get me kicked out of the house. Which is somewhat desirable at this point. Hmm.}
Then my mom. I don't know wtf is wrong with her. She listens to me and sympathizes with me about my dad, then turns around and yells at me for everything else, then tells me that she wants me to stay close to her because she loves me. {Oi.} I was so upset, I had to lock myself in the bathroom and cry before I could sit down and eat dinner. And even then I didn't really eat much. {I AM NOT ANOREXIC!!!!!!}
Ugh. So last night sucked. Let's see. The weekend was great. I stayed at Natalie's house from Saturday till Monday night. Went to the mall twice. Oh, I won my first game of bowling. Lol. Sad but true.
Yeah. I think that's pretty much it. God I am tired. God my mother is going to kill me for this hair.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Grr: A List
Topic: { me }
Mood:
don't ask
Now Playing: A Favor House Atlantic -- Coheed & Cambria
A list. A list of reasons. A list of reasons I have to hate myself.
I'm not smart, I'm not pretty, I'm a f*ing 26-inch cube, I let everyone walk all over me, I'm apparently not worth notice unless I've done something wrong, I intentionally hurt myself, I'm a drama queen {like right now}, nothing I do turns out right, I have the famous ability to mess up anything and everything, I can barely talk half the time, I'm completely insane, I'm the f*ing stereotypical "depressed teenager searching for god knows what", everyone I know would be better off if I wasn't here to f* up their lives, obviously I can't trust myself with anything, and there's so many more that it's not funny.
Why am I saying all this? Not because of my family. Not because of the cutting. Actually, I have reason to be very happy with myself except for this one thing. Which happens to be driving me crazy because, damn it all, I've done it again!!! This is going to be one of those nonsensical posts because only 2 people know what I'm talking about. {And I'm the only one with the whole story.}
I cannot believe myself. Yet again, I take hours to convince myself of something, and within five minutes I completely ignore everything I made myself accept in the first place. I swear. I f*ing swear. I need a deadbolt on my door. A deadbolt or three. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone. I am not happy with myself at all.
Well, I'm not as angry with myself as I was last night, but I am still very upset at me. I knew better.
OK, take a breath, Diana. Chill. Calm down. Let it go. Breathe in, breathe out. OK.
Yes, I'm trying to let it go, but damn it ... why do I do crap like that?? Especially after I tell myself over and over that I won't this time??
It doesn't matter. Calm down. It's OK.
No, you don't understand.
{You're saying this to yourself? Ooookayy, Diana.}
Shut up. You don't. If you understood, you wouldn't be telling me to calm down, you would be yelling at me. It's my famous ability to f* everything up displaying itself again. Grr. I can't believe myself.
Look, it's not the end of the world. You're just angry because ... well OK I'm not entirely sure why, but you are and you need to cut it out. You sound like a two-year-old.
I just can't win. Not even my other voice will agree with me. I give up. But I still hate myself.
Someone smack her before she spreads her bad vibes please....
Sunday, December 19, 2004
boston and philly
Topic: { me }
Mood:
blue
Now Playing: My happy ending -- avril Lavigne
Christmas depresses me. Christmas and New Year's and february. Even my birthday depresses me.
I decided to try getting boston out of my system. So I started writing about it and found that I can't finish it. (i have this little problem where I don't remember exactly what happened. It always seems different every time I think about it. Dunno why.) All my memories got jumbled up. I started writing about the Aquarium and realized that that trip wasn't the one with the apartment and sophia. Somehow I remembered going back to the apartment after the Aquarium and then my mom left but I KNOW that's not how it happened. Blast my over-active imagination. It starts making stories out of anything and everything, with or without my permission.
I don't get it. How do I know the way all of that really happened, and yet get confused and remember it a different way at the same time? How can I KNOW something and remember it different at the same time? This is ridiculous. (See? i told you I'm crazy!)
The first trip to Boston was fun. I was introduced to Caribbean music and the swan boats. There was the river with the docks and the bridge and I went shopping with Uncle Greg (who is awesome) and it was great. Then the Aquarium happened. My mom told me to carry the camera bag (which is black, old and HUGE) cause she was tired. so I traded steven's stroller for the bag and the bottom immediately dropped out and everything went flying. Everything crashed onto the tile floor and I thought I broke it all. So I started picking everything up. Then my dad stalked over (he didn't walk, he stalked) and started yelling at me. There was this huge crowd of people who had just stopped and were watching. I tried to say it wasn't my fault, because it wasn't, and he smacked me and told me to put it back in the bag. After that, he said I embarrassed him in front of the entire Aquarium and wouldn't speak to me the rest of the day (which was fine with me).
Plus, I had to sleep in the same room as him. I hated that too. After the Aquarium, i just hated being around him at all.
Somehow I thought that it was after the Aquarium that mom left and took me to the apartment and all. Dunno how that happened. After the aquarium we went to yankee Candle. Then we went home.
There is a lot of crap tied up with boston. Once i get it all sorted out, I can make a story about it and then we'll see about explaining what I just told you all today. It's very confusing and weird. Especially because the second time around, I almost always felt like I wasn't really there. But we'll see about telling that story.
Sunday, November 21, 2004
Fingernail polish ....
Topic: { me }
Mood:
incredulous
Now Playing: Suds in the Bucket -- I forget who sings it
Oh my god. I bought fingernail polish. Blue fingernail polish. BABY BLUE fingernail polish.
That's not the worst of it.
I bought pink lipstick. Yes, you read right, PINK lipstick. Well, more of a peach kind of color, but that's beside the point.
But wait, there's more! My best straight-who's-bi friend and I bought these two lipglosses from Tutti Dolci and we're more or less going to be swapping them back and forth (like we do with just about everything anyway). They're cream and -- *gasp* -- pink. And not to mention sparkly.
What is wrong with me?!
I am now buying makeup. I haven't bought makeup in months. Something is wrong.
I started looking at mags like Cosmo and Seventeen and Teen People. Oh my god I was actually looking at those little purses that seem to be the rage now!! I own like two purses. They could both pass for Army surplus. I was looking at this little cute purse thing that looks like it should be seen on some cheerleader chick's Gucci-clothed shoulder!
I think it's Thanksgiving. See, I'm spending it at my aunt's house. My aunt has this daughter who is like, Preppy with the capital P. Her name's Brittany and she is one of the most snotty, stuck-up, arrogant bitches known to preppy-kind. Every time we're in the same room, she makes fun of the clothes I wear, my hair, my shoes, my makeup, etc.
She's turning me into a prep. Someone help me!
Oh, and Joe is going to be there this year, too. Which is adding to my stress. (He's not the most, how can I say this, socially adept? person in the world. He's totally anti-social. Hates people in general. God save us.) If you knew my family, you would see the disaster this Thanksgiving is going to turn into at this rate.
Maybe I should stay in bed. And watch The Swan.
Saturday, November 20, 2004
Sick sick sick
Topic: { me }
Mood:
down
Now Playing: The Godfather II on TV
Oh my god this is the worst I have felt in literally years. My head is pounding, has been since Friday morning. I can hardly breathe. I'm on so many drugs I get dizzy when I stand up (you would all think it's hilarious, especially when I walk like some drunk prostitute). I'm not hungry but I feel like I'm starving. I shiver but I break out in a sweat at the same time.
I am not having a good day.
So now I'm sitting here, supposed to be babysitting a six-year-old, but my god I feel like sh*t. I could curl up and die, I feel that awful.
Oh well. I'll get yelled at if I don't play with this kid.
Monday, November 8, 2004
Mexicans
Topic: { me }
Mood:
chillin'
Now Playing: Until The Day I Die -- Story Of The Year
Why do the Mexicans stalk me?
Why?
Is there something about me that screams, "Sexy little Mexican magnet"?? I don't understand.
OK, so I was in the grocery store with my best "straight" friend (whom we all know is bi) and there were these three Mexican dudes staring at me. They followed me all around the damn store, grinning and doing that weird wink thing that guys at construction sites do. It was actually kind of funny. Tad unnerving, but funny.
Went to the mall, saw Joe at work. It was funny, he didn't see me until I walked up behind him and said "guess who." Then he jumped and was all, "OMG I didn't see you!" It was great.
Now I'm off to do more English. And to check my goddamn sched. for next sem.
Monday, October 25, 2004
My Lyfe
Topic: { me }
Mood:
caffeinated
Now Playing: Some rap song on the radio
It occurs to me that the entire world could be reading my lyfe and I wouldn't know. Most people who read any of this are probably in the psych ward by now. (And you
should be, Ice!!)
Mannn I am never wearing a skirt again. The comments, the come-ons, the sh*t I put up with is so not worth it. Thanks for the advice, Alex! Like I'll listen to you again. Well, OK, maybe I'll wear a skirt. Just not a mid-thigh skirt. Damn. Too much trouble. (Kelly, do not start. I know what you're going to say. Yes, it was the plaid skirt and no, I left the cuffs at home.) Sure, it looked cool and all, but ... no.
I was given the most awesome faery statuette today! She's all sparkly and happy-looking, holding this little bouquet and she has on this awesome gown, exactly what you would think a faery would wear. I love her wings. They're transparent and they have tiny little swirly designs in them and they sparkle, too. I love it! And I got this beautiful pair of earrings made of butterfly wings, too. (LOL earwings!) They're black and blue with a lil bit of yello in them and they have turquoise studs! I can wear those with my faery shirt and pants. *does a happy dance*
Damn. I really am caffeinated. I think I need to go lie down before I pass out ....
Saturday, October 23, 2004
Movies, CDs and Shopping
Topic: { me }
Mood:
happy
Now Playing: Little Moments -- Brad Paisley
Bought my Brad Paisley CD finally -- woohoo! I still love that song, Whiskey Lullaby. I don't care if it's depressing as f*ck, I like it. Next stop: Destiny's Child.
Went to see Surviving Christmas with *Josh*. (LMAO Alex!!) It wasn't as funny as I thought it would be, but it was OK. It was fun. Interesting. (Don't you dare say "I told you so," Kelly. He didn't and I didn't so ha and I was right!) My parents were cooler about it than I thought they would be, considering it was *Josh* who "invited" me. (No, Alex.)
I've been driving all damn day. Ever since I woke up and got out of bed, it's run out the door, come back, run out the door again, on and on and on. I'm getting a bit tired. Back to school on Monday *groan* I hate getting up at 6.30 just so I can wash my damn hair before anyone starts the washing machine.
I have around $13 to spend. (Minus the Destiny's Child CD.) Who wants to go to the mall with me tomorrow?? Shani, let's hit VS!
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Ducki, Jane, Nevonah, Dakota, Cutie, Shorty....
Topic: { me }
Mood:
mischievious
Hi people. Yes all those names up there are me. I've decided that Black Rose II will be my "public" blog and this one will be my personal, day-to-day blog. So I'll re-post my last entry on BL II onto here. Enjoy the change.
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