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Friday, February 4, 2005
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
Topic: { * eVerythiNg * }
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Jump -- Simple Plan
AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

Ashley, will you just fuck off?!?! This is ridiculous!!! I hate the fighting!!! Why won't you leave me alone?! There are enough problems in this world without you adding to them!! My family is falling apart!! I don't need your bullshit!!

I swear to god I could strangle you at this moment. Do you know what you did??? No, let me ask that differently ... do you know what you made me do??? The headache I had this morning wasn't just stress and tension. I fell into my wall and hit my head pretty damn hard. Why did I fall into a wall? Not because I'm a stupid blonde {I'm not blonde by the way}. I was unconscious. Why was I unconscious? I knocked myself out. I suffocated. I can't take your shit. All I want is to get away from you. You are driving me insane.

Stop threatening to tell everyone my stupid history. Stop asking me stupid questions. Stop stop stop. I don't know what you want. I don't much care. Just stop, please stop. Stop with the calling me. The emailing me. The posting on my blog. Leave me alone. Get over it. Fuck off.

Yes, you read right: Fuck off. Not fuck you, I know you'll take that wrong. Just go away. I can't stand you and you can't stand me. Get out of my life. You don't love me. You're freaking obsessed with me. I don't know why, I don't want to know why. But quit talking me. Don't talk to Josh. Don't explode this with everyone else. That would be just like you, to tell Nancy and Jeannie and J and Tim and Rachel and Ace and Mom and Monica and Shannon and Michelle and Jason and Debbie and everyone and attempt to make my life more miserable. Kelly will back me up if you do that, I'm not worried about that. I want you to drop it completely. Permanently.

I hate you.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 1:39 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Wednesday, February 2, 2005
but to you ... this means nothing ... nothing at all ...
Topic: * \ relatiionshiips / *
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: In A Perfect World -- Simple Plan
OK. Yes, I am stupid. Yes, I am plain. Yes, I'm one of those people that no one likes and I'm sooo lucky that Josh loves me. Yes, I do stupid things {like starting this whole ... whatever you want to call it}. I'm sorry. It's what I do: mess things up.

I know, I know. I should be locked into a dark dark closet and never let out because I wreak havoc on everyone's world. I only make everything difficult. I'm sorry. It's my fault. I really should just disappear off the face of the earth.

Yes, I am aware that I'm practically worthless. I'm not special. I'm nobody. I know. So maybe I should just ... I dunno. What do you want me to do??

I'm lucky I have friends at all. I'm irritating and a nuisance and so on and so forth. I can't do anything right. Every relationship I've had, I've screwed up. Yes, I know that I deserved all the stuff that happened to me with various guys. Because of all the stupid stuff I did or said.

I had a dream last night where I was still going out with Joe and for some obscure reason, we were in the mall. There was this really deep cut on my face, and I was running through the mall trying to hide my face so no one could see it. Joe was following me, cursing at me and yelling at me. I ended up hiding in Hot Topic {lol} and trying to keep myself from bleeding to death. It was scary. I could practically feel blood on my face and it stung when I woke up. I woke up crying and completely freaked out. I was scared to death because I thought for a minute or two that I was really bleeding and then I was too upset to go back to sleep.

Yeah I know. I deserved all that. All the stupid things I've done and said. All my fault.

"Stop telling me I'm pretty because I know I'm not."
"I'm standing out here in the pouring rain so you can't see me crying."
"I'm a lost cause, not a hero."
"I'm a nightmare, a disaster, that's what they always say."

I don't deserve Josh. I don't deserve anyone. I'm not worth it. You people are right. I'm absolutely nobody.

"How can you love me if I don't love myself?"
I want to forget the pain....


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 8:27 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (14) |
Updated: Wednesday, February 2, 2005 8:39 PM EST
Monday, January 31, 2005
dammit
Topic: * \ relatiionshiips / *
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: I'd Do Anything -- Simple Plan
I'm tired, not lazy, but that's a side note.

Ashley, I'm going to kick your ass when I see you. Kelly, I'm mad at you too but not as much as I am with Ashley.

Can't you people leave sh*t in the past?! It was over a year ago and no one cares! Leave my Summer of Sexual Stupidity back there when it happened. Quit bringing it up.

I am perfectly happy with Josh. I am NOT going to break up with him for some girl. That is bullsh*t and you all KNOW it. I love Josh. I'm in love with Josh. I'm stupid but not stupid enough to throw away the best thing that's ever happened to me. Especially for some girl. Jesus Christ, people.

This is absolutely ridiculous. I should quit writing in here. SOME people can't leave sh*t alone.

My head hurts. I'm tired. I'm hungry. I miss Josh. There is a ton of sh*t I have to do before tomorrow shows up and I have class and I have homework to go over tonight. I don't want to deal with my past stupidity today. Or tomorrow. Or anytime this week. I'll post my schedule and let you find a convenient time to harrass me about my Summer of Sexual Stupidity {is that what you've taken to calling it now? and why ME? we all did stupid stuff that summer! pick someone else to irritate about it!}. Just to let you know, you won't find a convenient time. There's no room for harassment in my life at this point. Any of my lives.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 5:09 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (13) |
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Life #6 Is MIA
Topic: { me }
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Welcome To My Life -- Simple Plan
I have lots of lives. I have my school life. My work life. My home life. My friends-etc. life. My Web life. I don't have a life of my own.

Seems weird but it's true. When I'm in my room, I don't have time for myself. I'm getting dressed or cleaning up or getting something or putting something away. Or sleeping. I need a room life. {Shut up, Kelly. Not that kind of room life. Talk to Ashley. She'll tell you. I'm not telling. Ashley shouldn't tell either but we all know she will anyway. As long as no one tells you-know-who. He doesn't know and it's something I don't want brought up again.} Maybe a me life sounds better. My own life. Some time where I can just chill and sit and quietly contemplate stuff.

This is why I haven't screwed anything up lately. I have no time to think about what I'm doing. I have to just do it. {Nike. Oh god. I'm Nike and I'm just doing it. Wonderful. No wonder you people call me ... that special name. Leave me alone. Lmao Ashley. Keep it quiet, please.}

Not only am I sarcastic, I'm having the damned dream again. And I know a certain someone will threaten to tell about it so I'll do it on here and beat her to it. Months ago, I had a really weird dream. I'm NOT going to say exactly what happened, but after that dream I had a really hard time remembering I was female. Well, not that I was female, but that I was supposed to act like a female. {Think girly thoughts!! Lmao.} It was bad. Very bad. And now it's back. I don't know why. I don't have any girl crushes. Not that I know of, at least. And I'm bouncing back and forth between being really girly {ack} and being ... not girly.

Which is messing me up because I start with the re-questioning and wondering just what is wrong with me exactly. I always thought that being bi meant I liked guys and girls pretty much equally and it generally stayed balanced. But noooo. That would just be too simple. Instead, I bounce like a freaking bouncy ball. The funny part? The more not-girly I feel, the more girly I dress. It's ridiculous.

Kelly and Ahs and whoever else is after me, don't screw me up any more than I already am! Ashley, no more with the calling and the tears and the telling me how much you miss me and love me and you want me back because it's not working. {OK maybe a little bit but I'm not coming back. You just make me feel guilty. And no calling Josh and talking to him either. I swear to god I will kick your ass if you do because I know what you want to tell him and that is not happening.} Kelly knows I'm not gonna do anything with her. Two reasons. She's in Philly. And the only way she could get me to do it is if she got me extremely drunk. Which she can't do.

Anyway. Back to my lives. Sorry, I got a bit distracted. Eh. Maybe I need to address my bouncing sexuality more than I need to address my lack of a personal life. I swear it's a curse to be bi sometimes.

I'm really tempted to completely spill, but there are people who read this that would freak out and hate me and run far far away from me and I don't want that to happen. So I'm going to shut up for now.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 6:41 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (7) |
Thursday, January 27, 2005
At CSM
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: In This Diary -- The Ataris
Yes, I'm bored and sitting in the library so I figured I may as well update.

I had cereal for lunch {Fruit Loops to be exact} in the cafeteria. Cereal is a staple food for college people, I don't care how ridiculous I look eating it for lunch. It was fun.

I dunno, I really like sitting in the cafeteria. I like hearing people talk. Conversations inspire me to write. Unfortunately, all I had to write in was my math notebook. So I sat back and listened to people's lives and my Ataris CD quietly.

This is going to be a good semester, despite the emergency in the ladies' room. {Lmao Natalie, remind me to tell you about that. It was great.} My math teacher is nice. I have a female math teacher, but I don't know about my psych teacher. Psych doesn't start for another hour.

Why is it that everytime I come in here I get weird looks? I wasn't talking to myself or singing this time and I still got weird looks. But I also got my student ID card. So Mom will be happy with me.

I cannot wait for my psych class. And then after psych, I'm going to the mall and a movie with *Josh*!!! YAY!! I miss him soooo much, it's not funny. It's ridiculous. I've never missed any guy as much as I miss him. I sound like an idiot, don't I?

OK. Off to elsewhere.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 12:52 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Careening towards the edge, wheeeeee!
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:  flirty
Now Playing: Soldier -- Destiny's Child
Everyone run. I am in an extremely mischievious mood. Flirtatious too. It is time to create some deviltry. Wreak some havoc. Get some people in trouble {as long as I don't get in trouble lol}.

Hopefully this mood has worn off by the time I go to work. Monday I had to work with another page. That was boring. I work better on my own darn it. And I can't help it that I'm not as fast as everyone else. I just started. Mrs. Martin, I think that was her name. She's nice and all, but eh.... She makes me nervous and I don't know why. Maybe it's just me.

Woohoo. I'm now officially seventeen. I don't feel any different. Other than really mischievious and all. And really antsy. I can't sit still long.

This is the bad thing about my really manic moods -- I go all A.D.D. and crazy and yeah. Some people can use yesterday as an example. {Johnny Depp with the leather and the hair ... in bondage pants... *evil grin* ... yummy ... lmao. Tinkerbelle and Wednesday!} Yeah I had a strange day yesterday. Does the fact that Mr. Potato Head stores stuff in his butt bother anyone else? I mean, in Toy Story 2, his wife is seen stuffing eyes and a mustache in his arse! Am I the only one who finds that disturbing??

Anyway.

I'm going to shut up before I get started for today.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 10:25 AM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (2) |
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Deal Shopping
Topic: [ [ stuff ] ]
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: Holiday -- Green Day
My shoes are cheaper at Hot Topic than at Underground Station. I'm getting the pink and black Chuck Taylors and putting my black lace shoelaces in them. And I was contemplating buying a Tinkerbelle bed set. {It looks so cool!} It's black and pink and Tink! But nah. I'm getting the blasted American Idiot CD, the Chucks, and some clothes. Woohoo.

I am full of energy and making smart-arse comments left and right. Beware, if you don't want to sound like a total idiot, stay away from me. Wheee.

Tomorrow I turn 17. Scary thought. Why is it scary? I don't know. Because then there will only be one year separating me from my 18th birthday. Once I'm 18, all hell will break loose. {Unless I'm already out of the house by then, which I may be, with all these smart-arse remarks. I'm going to slip and do it in front of my parents eventually.}

Meantime, I have all day today to do nothing. Shit, I forgot to check my schedule yesterday and find out when I'm supposed to go in to work tomorrow. Eh. I'll call Millie and find out.

Jeebus Chrimas, you'd think I'm flipping A.D.D.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 10:56 AM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Monday, January 24, 2005
work
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Holiday -- Green Day
Tired ... so tired ....

I didn't know putting books away was so blasted tiring. You wouldn't think it is. But jeez. Maybe it's just me. I dunno. What worries me is when I start class too. I have work MW, class TTh. Which means that I have work the day between classes. How am I going to get all this crap done? Throw in babysitting and the various other parts of my life and I may go nuts.

So I should be glad to have this part of the week where I'm not really doing anything. I should be relaxing tomorrow, and most of Wednesday {which is my birthday anyway, even if I do have work}. I should be chill. Instead, I have this nagging feeling that I should be doing something. I can't relax because I feel like I should be moving and accomplishing things. Grr.

I should relax with some chocolate and a good book and a long hot shower and the radio playing jazz tomorrow. Why do I know that it's not going to work that way?? Why can't I chill out??

Maybe it's stress. I'm stressing about class on Thursday. I'm stressing about not feeling ready and wishing I had more time. I'm stressing about work {already?!} and how I'm going to coordinate the homework and the work so I get it all done and pass the classes with the perfect A's my parents are expecting of me AND doing the perfect job at work that they're expecting of me.

Hell, I'm stressing about little shit like this cold I have and whether I really have to have new shoes {the ones I wear most of the time now have holes in the heels, but they can last till spring if they have to} and what to do with my birthday money. Should I spend it at all? Or should I save it? If I save it, I'll be that closer to getting my own car. If I move out when I turn 18, I'll need a car. I won't get the one I'm driving now, as far as I know. And if I need a car, I need money to buy a car. {No, my parents won't help me. Please. My parents? That's a laugh.}

What I really want to do is nothing. I want to be able to chill. Grrr.

For those of you who don't know by now, I'm in that place where I'm getting un-depressed and I have some energy, but not quite enough to deal with my life -- plus this cold is draining me slowly. I'm entering my manic phase. Woohoo. I can make so many morbid, freaky jokes right about now ... but I won't. Nobody make me mad or upset, I now have the willpower and energy to kill myself. {Sorry, I couldn't resist lmao.}

I'm tired. I'm going to go ... something ... somewhere ... yeah ... god I am nuts ...


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 8:32 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Saturday, January 22, 2005
I want
Topic: [ [ stuff ] ]
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: Worst Day Ever -- Simple Plan
I want so many things it's not funny. I want to go shopping. I want CDs. I want to talk to Josh. I want my cough to go away. I want to go to sleep then wake up and have all the bad stuff in my life to be gone.

Yeah. Today was my birthday party. I woke up sick and feeling like I was dying. {God damn chocolate milkshakes and candybars and icing. I swear I will never touch chocolate again. Not after this morning.} I had to get up and take a shower because I felt disgusting. While putting in my contacts, I almost passed out. While getting dressed, I almost passed out. While in the shower, I almost passed out. Twice. Not fun.

So after crashing on the couch for two hours, I started to feel better. And I came up with a list of stuff I've done while being 16.

Went to prom {woo! lol}
Got sent to therapy {I know people who needed it more than me}
Broke up three times {and one person twice}
Discovered my legs {while at the beach lmao}
Got a job {I am such a nerd}
Got my learner's permit {still waiting for the provisional's}
Went to CSM {oh yeah, I'm a college chick now}

So it's not that exciting. I don't care. Except for the breaking up, those were all firsts for me. {Yes, including the legs.} And yeah there's other firsts that I'm most definitely not going to list. Most of those are funny. Some are stupid. Some I wish I could forget lol.

As usual, I'm sick for my birthday. Otherwise, I'd be begging to go out to the mall. Oh well. I get to stay home and be quietly contemplative.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 5:09 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (1) |
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Work Tonight
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Mockingbird -- Eminem
I have work unless there's a ton of snow on the ground. Like there is right now. I can't believe they delayed school for THIS. It's like an inch and a half to two inches at best. Puh-leeze.

Anyway. My hair is not so scary and I'm gonna fix it today. FYI, I went from being a very blonde-ish blonde to very very very very dark dark brown brunette. {Does this mean I'm not as stupid?} In certain lights, it still looks black. I look like a younger version of Amy Lee.

I like it.

So yeah. I can't wash my hair because I'm going to redo the ends and the streaks that I missed yesterday. THEN I can wash my hair.

I cannot wait for next Thursday. I start classes again. Woohoo! I'm not looking forward to math, but psych I can't wait for. I hate math. Especially math that I've failed twice before. Ugh. I looked at the textbook for math yesterday and I can tell you right now, I am not gonna make it through that class. No, not a chance.

The upside is that I see Josh between classes. {Unfortunately, that's after math and before psych. So I'll be mad at my math teacher and the math book and myself because I'll be failing. I'll be all stressed. Wonderful.}

Let Me Love You -- Mario

I looove that song. I'm in a good mood. *muah* I love you Josh! Oh and tomorrow is good. I warn you now, I look scary and awful because of my hair. Just don't run away screaming, please.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 9:21 AM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Holy sh*t y'all
Topic: { me }
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: nothing
Holy sh*t. I dyed my hair today. It was SUPPOSED to turn brown. Do you know what color it turned??? {It's kinda still turning, so actually I'm not sure what color it really is yet.} Well I'm not going to tell. Call me and ask me. But holy sh*t that is scary-looking.

My mother is going to kill me. Oh my god. I don't even know what I think about it yet. Wow.

OK so anyway. God how my life changes in a week. I was cooling off at my dad until last night. For those blind, deaf, stupid people who don't know, I'm bi. {The whole world and MARS knows!! Lol.} Remember this.

Josh came over and brought the movie Without A Paddle. There's this one lesbian scene {nothing graphic, just talking} and my dad flipped out. Totally flipped out. He was all "TURN THAT OFF. THAT DOES NOT BELONG IN THIS HOUSE. THAT IS COMPLETELY WRONG. TURN IT OFF NOW." I was so friggin mad. I was so mad I was ready to march up to the mafuqqin homophobe and tell him that I was bi. {Which will get me kicked out of the house. Which is somewhat desirable at this point. Hmm.}

Then my mom. I don't know wtf is wrong with her. She listens to me and sympathizes with me about my dad, then turns around and yells at me for everything else, then tells me that she wants me to stay close to her because she loves me. {Oi.} I was so upset, I had to lock myself in the bathroom and cry before I could sit down and eat dinner. And even then I didn't really eat much. {I AM NOT ANOREXIC!!!!!!}

Ugh. So last night sucked. Let's see. The weekend was great. I stayed at Natalie's house from Saturday till Monday night. Went to the mall twice. Oh, I won my first game of bowling. Lol. Sad but true.

Yeah. I think that's pretty much it. God I am tired. God my mother is going to kill me for this hair.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 12:28 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (3) |
Thursday, January 13, 2005
I'm Moving Out
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: I Won't Be There -- Simple Plan
I'm moving out.

Temporarily.

My dad is still treating me like shyt and I'm getting tired of it. If he's still acting like this tomorrow, then I'm gone for the weekend. Screw him.

So today I have to wash all my clothes. Open my checking account. Figure out the blasted W-4 and other assorted forms. Go back to the library and get my schedule. Get a shower at some point. And remember to eat something so I don't get yelled at for being "anorexic". {How am I anorexic if I'm a cube?!}

I think I can do all that. I hope. And the library stuff I have to get done before 8.00.

Making it through today is the only thing I'm concentrating on. Oh and getting my mom to let me go to the mall tomorrow. {Extended escape time lol!!} Those damned forms are going to cause me the most trouble because I don't speak legalese. {How the hell do people do their taxes if they don't know wtf is going on half the time?! THIS is how the government is getting all our money. They do it on purpose. And the accountant people are in on the scam. I bet the government is paying them off to make people lose more money than they need to. Lmao.} Anyway.

The one thing that irritates me the most is the way my dad acts like I'm stupid. {Remember the telemarketer, Nat? That mofo!!} He treats me like I'm stupid, worthless, invisible, a pain. I can't do anything to make him happy. Nothing I do is good enough for him. All I want is for him to stop being mad at me. Is that too goddamn much to ask??

Yes, I'm aware that my dad and I have never been on "good" terms. But it was never this bad. I don't know what I did, I don't know why he's mad at me, I don't know how to fix it, I don't know how to make everyone happy, I'm just clueless. As usual. He won't talk to me and tell me why he acts like he hates me. He just glares at me. I never ever thought I would say this, but that kinda hurts.

I need to talk about something happy. I sound ridiculous. {Think happy thoughts!} Oh lord. I've been pulled in. Damn reality/dating shows. I've started watching BMOC. There's this one girl on there, Michaela, who is totally me. Naturally, she has to win, according to me. Why? Because she's just like me and I understand her {kind of} and yeah. She's all insecure and tries not to show it and she's not sure what's going on but she knows what she wants and I was sitting there watching the show and thinking, "That's how I feel. Maybe she has more of a clue than I do and I can figure out how everyone else does this confusing thing called 'being an adult'. Except I'm not an adult. I'm just being treated like I'm one." Michaela is either 18 or 19, I forget which, and she's the youngest girl on the show.

Yeah, she's my celebrity personality all right.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 9:27 AM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
A Day Or So Later ....
Topic: [ [ stuff ] ]
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Various stuff, I'm looking for new artists
No longer as self-hating.

Got to go to the library and get all my forms and crap to fill out. Got my work permit. The only thing that's giving me trouble is the blasted checking account. When I get paid, it gets direct deposited, which is being a pain because my parents have issues with my having a checking account. {Why? God knows.}

Now I'm sitting here in layers of chenille thinking about tomorrow. With any luck at all, I'll have all the blasted forms filled out and I'll have my checking account and I can go find out when I'm working. Until then {and this is the part I'm looking forward to}, I can lay on the couch in my new cami with my hair up and watch Smallville. I'd rather it be Gilmore Girls, but oh well. I get to not deal with anything. My dad won't be home. It'll be relatively quiet. Since it's raining, it would be nice if my mom would let me start a fire downstairs so it's not like the freaking Arctic, but no. Oh well.

Grr. I want to talk but apparently I don't have anything to say. As usual. See, this is why no one listens: I'm quiet all the time. Why am I quiet all the time? Because no one listens. This is a losing circle. Fuck. Now I feel like shyt. I don't want to talk anymore. Everything I say just sounds like some typical teen with issues that aren't really important anyway. I can't do anything right.

Fuck you people who come up with stereotypes!!


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 4:51 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Grr: A List
Topic: { me }
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: A Favor House Atlantic -- Coheed & Cambria
A list. A list of reasons. A list of reasons I have to hate myself.

I'm not smart, I'm not pretty, I'm a f*ing 26-inch cube, I let everyone walk all over me, I'm apparently not worth notice unless I've done something wrong, I intentionally hurt myself, I'm a drama queen {like right now}, nothing I do turns out right, I have the famous ability to mess up anything and everything, I can barely talk half the time, I'm completely insane, I'm the f*ing stereotypical "depressed teenager searching for god knows what", everyone I know would be better off if I wasn't here to f* up their lives, obviously I can't trust myself with anything, and there's so many more that it's not funny.

Why am I saying all this? Not because of my family. Not because of the cutting. Actually, I have reason to be very happy with myself except for this one thing. Which happens to be driving me crazy because, damn it all, I've done it again!!! This is going to be one of those nonsensical posts because only 2 people know what I'm talking about. {And I'm the only one with the whole story.}

I cannot believe myself. Yet again, I take hours to convince myself of something, and within five minutes I completely ignore everything I made myself accept in the first place. I swear. I f*ing swear. I need a deadbolt on my door. A deadbolt or three. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone. I am not happy with myself at all.

Well, I'm not as angry with myself as I was last night, but I am still very upset at me. I knew better.

OK, take a breath, Diana. Chill. Calm down. Let it go. Breathe in, breathe out. OK.

Yes, I'm trying to let it go, but damn it ... why do I do crap like that?? Especially after I tell myself over and over that I won't this time??

It doesn't matter. Calm down. It's OK.

No, you don't understand.

{You're saying this to yourself? Ooookayy, Diana.}

Shut up. You don't. If you understood, you wouldn't be telling me to calm down, you would be yelling at me. It's my famous ability to f* everything up displaying itself again. Grr. I can't believe myself.

Look, it's not the end of the world. You're just angry because ... well OK I'm not entirely sure why, but you are and you need to cut it out. You sound like a two-year-old.

I just can't win. Not even my other voice will agree with me. I give up. But I still hate myself.

Someone smack her before she spreads her bad vibes please....


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 12:15 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Sunday, January 9, 2005
You Won't Try For Me
Topic: { * eVerythiNg * }
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Missing -- Evanescence
Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
Maybe someday you'll look up
And barely conscious, you'll say to no one
Isn't something missing

You won't cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant
Am I so insignificant
Isn't something missing
Isn't someone missing me

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me

Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
I know what you do to yourself
I breathe deep and cry out
Isn't something missing
Isn't someone missing me

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me

And if I bleed
I'll bleed
Knowing you don't care
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there

Isn't something missing
Isn't something

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't something missing
Isn't someone missing me


I think that mostly sums up how I feel. I went to Philly today. I'm still in disgrace and my dad is still yanking me around instead of talking to me. {Hopefully I don't get five thousand bruises. I can just see it now, I'll have to go somewhere and some person will ask me if my parents are hitting me. I need a spell to ward off the goddam counselor, I know she'll ask me about it.} The rest of my family, my mom and both my brohers, have taken to either snapping at me or completely ignoring me.

Can't you feel the love and happiness and warmth in this house?

I swear. This is getting rather out of hand. Just what did I do that was so wrong? I apologize for being born on the 26th. I apologize for existing. What more can I say I'm sorry for?

Grrr. Plus, I'm frustrated. Broken glass is not as sharp as it's said to be. I want to cut so damn bad. It's driving me crazy. Either I find something sharp enough to do the job or I scream so loud they'll have to lock me into a soundproof room just to shut me up.

I can't find a way to get it out of my system. Other than cutting or screaming. Another way would be to cry myself to sleep, but I can't do that. I can't cry on command. {I can burst into tears at the sight of a dead bird in my yard but watch some innocent bystander die in a driveby without shedding a tear. It's ridiculous.}

I feel absolutely worthless. Invisible, worthless, inconvenient, stupid, ugly me. Funny, I almost want to say it's not fair. But life isn't fair and I most likely deserve it in some way that I haven't thought of yet. That's the way my life works. I'm just ... nothing. Yeah, it makes me mad, but that's always how it works.

There's two sides to this. I feel like nothing on one side, and on the other side I'm raging at this little box they've put me in. I'm furious, but I only have enough energy to hurt one person. {Which happens to be the person who deserves it the most.}

I've been eating junk food {popcorn, chocolate, etc.} more than usual because there's nothing else for me to do. Steven is always on the computer {there go my stories and poems etc.}. Greg is always playing Xbox {there goes any TV I may consider watching}. My parents are always on the phone {I can't call anyone because my calls aren't nearly as important as theirs}. Grr. I hate this.

Question of the century: Would anyone give a shit if I died tonight? {Answer: Most likely not.}

FUCK LIFE. I HATE THEM.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 7:31 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Updated: Sunday, January 9, 2005 7:57 PM EST
Saturday, January 8, 2005
Good News, Bad News
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Breathe No More -- Evanescence
Actually I'm singing it, not playing it, but oh well. I have good news and bad news, so my mood should read celebratory/down.

Good news first: I have restocked on chocolate. I'm home alone. I'm in a pretty damn good mood despite the bad news. I'm not in Philly. I'm happy cause I hung out with Josh yesterday.

Oh yes, and did I mention I had my interview today? And I didn't totally f*** it up? Don't know if I got the job yet, but hey I'm proud of myself.

OK, now the bad news: My arm has a bruise from where my dad twisted it {and it still freaking hurts}. My dad is being a complete bastard. My birthday has become ammunition in my parents' war {forget me doing anything or having any kind of party}, which really makes me upset because it's MY birthday, you know? And they're all like, "Well you can't do anything this day because your FATHER *insert glare* wants to go somewhere," and "Forget going anyplace that day because your MOTHER *insert glare* is having friends over," etc. And I have stuff I want to do {and am damn well going to do} for my birthday. FYI, they don't give a rat's azz that I'm turning 17. Their only concern is that the other parent is not happy. Grr. Anyway. I think that covers the bad news.

This birthday shiz is really making me upset though. My dad makes it sound like my birthday is an inconvenience and like it's my fault we can't go to Philly so his mother can have Xmas. I'm all for my grandma having Xmas, but there is stuff I want to do. I want to meet Josh's family. I want to hang out with my chick friends. I'm turning 17 and nobody in my family cares. Nobody. I don't think anyone even knows how old I am right now. This sucks. Oh and to top all that, Steven is turning 7 and EVERYONE is making a huge deal out of it. My mom is going crazy with joy and planning this HUGE bash for him and shiz. His birthday is four days after mine, people!! Grr.

There's more stuff I want to say but this birthday crap is getting in the way. It's like I'm freaking invisible all of a sudden. {When I finally went inside last night, no one knew I was even out there. No one cared. I went into my room and cried.} My mom doesn't talk to me. My dad doesn't talk to me {no, he twists my arm and yanks me around instead} which is fine because I don't want to talk to him either. My brothers are either hitting me or ignoring me completely. No one cares. When I left with Josh on Tuesday, my mom didn't know I was gone after an hour {and after she gave me the puzzled look and said, "You're leaving? For where?" and then just walked away}. Yes, I know I wish for them to get off my back, but I didn't mean that I wanted them to completely cut me out.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 2:24 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (3) |
Friday, January 7, 2005
I Hate My Face
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Nothing
The minute I come downstairs to do something, my eyes get irritated. Why? I haven't a clue. Blast contacts. EVERYTHING irritates them. And you would think that taking them out and putting them back in would fix the problem, but nooo. That would just be too easy. I had to go and get out a new pair of contacts just so I could see. Stupid eyes.

So I'm bouncing around the house, putting up curtain rods and taking down curtain rods, in my 1940's ... whatever you want to call it. The dress plus the hat plus the scarf-thingy plus the butterfly necklace. {I'm not wearing high heels today so I left out the shoes.} I look like a Mafia queen or something. It's very interesting. Unfortunately, it's all black. I'm trying to break away from the black-evil-dark clothing that I wear when I have to be formal. I need some color. {That's why I'm wearing the blue butterfly necklace. Shush, Kelly, it looks interesting!}

I'm hungry and there's nothing in this house to eat. Except maybe fries. Other than that, there's nothing. We don't even have "healthy" food that everyone else in this family eats. It's kinda sad.

*yawn* I dunno, I feel rather blah. I don't have a lot of energy, but I want to be doing something instead of just reading. Grr.

The most awesome song of all time has to be Breathe No More. Second to that, it's Missing. And then there's Annie and She Floats. Oh oh and can't forget Driven Under, which rocks. If I had to pick a favorite song, I don't think I could do it. Maybe a favorite song by a certain group or singer, but not in general. There's way too many songs. I couldn't pick a favorite singer/group, either. Maybe a favorite singer/group within a certain genre, but once again not in general. My musical taste is too broad for that. I never thought I would say that. I used to be one of those kids who only listened to what her parents listened to. {Which was Christian music and it all sounded alike anyway.} And then....

DC101 saved me. From DC101 I went to HFS. From there I went to 99.5 and what was then Z104 {and is now a blend of music instead of all hits like 99.5 is now}. I haven't voluntarily listened to anything Christian in two years. {Wow. That's a long time.} Pretty much anything else, I'll listen to. Including country music now. But that's more recent. I've only been listening to WMZQ for like six months. {Voluntarily, that is.}

It's weird, people accuse me of being all close-minded and crap when I say I listen to anything but Christian. That's not true. I just don't connect with the music, is all. My mom claims I've closed the religion out of my life because I don't want to listen to it. {And because I don't care what happened in Awanas the night before. And I disagree with Pastor Hirschman on a lot of things he preaches about.} It's funny.

It's not that I hate Christians or Christianity {that's impossible for me}, it's just that it doesn't work for me. I grew up Christian and there was nothing that made a difference in my life because of it. {Other than the being bullied constantly, etc. I mean a good difference.} My mom believes in the power of prayer and stuff, but I used to pray a lot and nothing would happen. Ever. The Bible didn't say anything to me. {Most of the time I couldn't understand it.}

And now she says I've closed it out of my life. Ha. If anything like that happened, then it was God closing me out, thank you very much.

Enough rambling. I'll make myself mad in a few minutes if I keep talking about it.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 2:02 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Thursday, January 6, 2005
It's Raining
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: Nothing, actually
Why am I playing nothing? Because I'm rewriting a song. Yes, a song. {I'm not limited to short story.} Before that, I was editing junk.

And the song sounds cool, tyvm. It's about a girl who cuts and it's very surreal. {Think Lacuna Coil plus Vanessa Carlton with a dash of my personality. VERY surreal.} I'm on the third rewrite.

{The funny part is, I originally came up with the song while I was bored in church. And JESSICA MURPHY thought it was interesting. LMAO!!}

So yes, I'm rewriting a song and going through various notebooks I own. I think I've hit a creative phase. I'm writing new ideas in the margins of stories and stuff I've already written {from like three years ago}. I found my poems notebook. I am one morbid byatch. No kidding. Sick and twisted, that's me. I particularly like my poem Nightmare. It's about a girl who drowns in blood. {I have a fascination with drowning and blood, I don't know why.} There's two rewrites of that poem. I think I like the original best, though.

I have a lot of angry songs. Angry songs and suicide poetry and crazy people stories. Hmm. I'm a strange person. {Oh yes, I also like If I Died. Needs some revision, though.}

Untitled

Initiate
Reciprocate
New drama begins
In your mind
You're paralyzed
Do you want to be with him
Confusing
Refusing
End result? fear
Remaining
Explaining
Not the time, not here
First recognition
Of immaturity.

January 3, 2004

I happen to be proud of that one. That's the one that got published. *grins* Surprise surprise, one of my favorite poets is Poe. I love Alone. {Well I love most of his poems lol.} Now I'm half-tempted to post my other awesome poem, Proof of Insanity, but I don't think I will. Not today. I need to start my own magazine just so I can read what I want to. Just like I have to write because no one writes what I want to read lol.

"Katie" v. 4

Waking from dreams of ashes / war and airplanes crashing / shatter the light / Katie eat your breakfast / i lace my neck / with a broken necklace /*Katie's staring at the mirror / parting her hair with a straight razor / opens up this dark red river / mixing blonde and blood together / the change captivates her / every time* / swallows light like it's knives / shattering all their lives / visions of blood in my head / dancing to their screams / oh katie / you're so lost / *Katie's staring at the mirror / parting her hair with a straight razor / opens up this dark red river / mixing blonde and blood together / the change captivates her / every time* / oh Katie can't you see / you're cause of tragedy / you're talking much too loud / inside you can't be found / *Katie's staring at the mirror / parting her hair with a straight razor / opens up this dark red river / mixing blonde and blood together / the change captivates her / every time*


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 10:38 AM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Wednesday, January 5, 2005
I'm Still "Bubbly" and Stuff
Topic: { * eVerythiNg * }
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Thoughtless -- Evanescence
Yes I know, Thoughtless isn't really a happy song but hell.

"Bubbly" and happy and smiley is not how I normally act. I'm normally quiet and laid-back and "whatever-ish". My mother thinks I'm on drugs because I keep randomly grinning and stuff. {It's kind of funny in a way.}

Why do I keep randomly grinning and why am I being all "bubbly" and happy? Guess. Not even Diva is too dumb to guess. {J/K, Diva.} Yeah, I keep thinking about yesterday. There! I randomly grinned! {Although you can't see me ... shush, leave me alone. I'm not bright that way.} Josh can make me laugh even when he's not here. I'm so happy it's almost scary. *muah* I miss ou Josh.

It's Wednesday. Which means tomorrow is Thursday. Which means ... THE OC!! YAY!! It's either this week or next week they start playing all the new episodes. Seth is my absolute favorite. And I dunno, Summer cracks me up, but I relate better to Marissa. {"How can you be claustrophobic in a building with three sides made of windows?!" "I can't breathe." LMMFAO} I know Modest Mouse is on the show tomorrow.

*yawn* I need to find something to do....


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 12:59 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Tuesday, January 4, 2005
Lemony Snicket and My Hair and Air Hockey and Other Things
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Tourniquet -- Evanescence
I have yet another Lemony Snicket book! And surprise surprise, I've alread finished it. {Fast reader.} How did I get hold of another one? Blame my hair.

My beautiful hair that I love and believe to be my only really good feature -- has been cut off. {GASP!! HER HAIR!! GONE?!} No. Not gone. But .... It's short now. It's a full two inches shorter. *tear* My hair ... my beautiful hair .... And it's going back to whatever color it really is and then the ends are going to be dark red. Woohoo. Fun fun. Step two in this plan is to find a hair dye that matches my natural hair color. {Actually, first I have to figure out what color it really is. Then the dye.} After I re-dye it {hopefully it won't look totally stupid, what with the highlights and the other natural hair that I'm hoping won't get dyed four shades darker than the rest of my hair lol}, I'm going to bleach the ends and then dye the ends. I should be done by January 26. Hell yeah. Blasted if I'm not. This is my goal now. Red ends by my birthday.

OK. There is a way to 1) not let me win and 2) ensure that I win the game in air hockey. {I swear you jinxed me, Josh!}

Yes today is Tuesday. Tuesday, January 4. {Oh hell, it's already January!! Lol.} For you deaf and blind idiots who have either learned to ignore me or just have A.D.D., this means that Josh and I have been dating for three months. Wow! Lol. So today was a special day. We went to Applebee's for lunch and to the mall {where I was supposed to kick butt at air hockey and didn't}. Yes, Natalie, we went through Sears. Didn't see him lol. We saw Ocean's Twelve! Twelve is the new Eleven!! The movie kicks azz. {Julia Roberts playing Tess Ocean playing Julia Roberts ... who was told she didn't look like Julia Roberts. I love it.}

But what made the day awesome was being with Josh the whole time. *muah* I love you Josh.

So yes, my day has been terrific. And now I want some more chocolate so off I go to read and stuff lol.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 9:31 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |

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