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Wednesday, November 10, 2004
And the tangled web gets more tangled
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Heaven's A Lie -- Lacuna Coil
I may actually go to church tonight. There's this new youth pastor, and I have to see what he's like. Now shall I go as my cuddly, adorable, angelic side? Or my dark, evil, sullen teenage poet side? I'm leaning toward dark poet. Let's see how he handles THAT. Grr. Lol Kelly stfu.
Just when I think I've made up my f*cking mind, something happens to change it. To be totally honest, I was going to break up with *Josh* today. But... but... and... F*ck it. I know most of you are telling me that I shouldn't have gotten into this relationship in the first place and I realize that it's my fault (mostly). But... but... and...
I need to fall off a cliff and rid everyone of their problems. I bet life would be so much easier if I wasn't involved, wouldn't it? And yet I entertain you....

"Can't you take me away from your lies?"


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 3:25 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (1) |
Tuesday, November 9, 2004
Goddamn Parental Controls on AOL
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Comalies -- Lacuna Coil
Just out of the shower, feeling good, smelling nice lol. I do hate Parental Controls though. If anyone posted a comment from last night, please e-mail it to me because I can't view my own blog anymore, due to my excessive swearing last night.
I feel slightly bad about totally going off like that (oh god maybe I am a nice person!!!). I know that some of you are just "trying to help" and maybe it wasn't fair of me to yell at one or two of you. (Ice, you and Scott most definitely deserved it though.) But with everyone combined on this one spot in my life, it's getting to be a bit much. I'm feeling forced into a decision and if I'm forced into something then it won't turn out well. Now I apologize for screaming my ass off, but I meant most of what I said.
Now I'm going to figure out a way to get to my blasted blog to check for comments. (I know some people who won't e-mail their comments to me if they posted in the first place.)


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 1:38 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Monday, November 8, 2004
Fucking Relationships
Mood:  don't ask
OK. Let me get one thing straight. I'm not going to do something just because everyone's telling me to. Nat, Kelly, Amie, John, Scott, Alex, Erika, Ashley, Ice, Olivia, and Holly, that means you.
I have had enough of everyone I know telling me what to think, how to act, who to talk to, when to do what, etc. I've had enough of everyone else running my freaking life.
Yes, I know that I'm in a fucked-up spot now. I'm going to fix it.
Amie and Kelly, I'm especially pissed off at you. I don't give a fucking rat's ass about the way you two figure shit like this out. Ice and Scott, it is NOT a competition, quit "keeping score". Nat, don't fucking get me started. Olivia, no, I am not going to swear off men. Get over it. Alex, give me back my CDs and maybe I'll quit hanging up on you.
Honestly, it's none of your business for half of you. More than half of you. Fuck off. I'm tired of hearing everyone's shit and then being told to do the exact same things you all did to get in your shitty situations.
No more fucking advice. Shut up, John. Shut up, Ashley. Just shut up. It only concerns three people. Those three know who they are and if you aren't one of them, then back off.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 9:54 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Mexicans
Topic: { me }
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Until The Day I Die -- Story Of The Year
Why do the Mexicans stalk me?
Why?
Is there something about me that screams, "Sexy little Mexican magnet"?? I don't understand.
OK, so I was in the grocery store with my best "straight" friend (whom we all know is bi) and there were these three Mexican dudes staring at me. They followed me all around the damn store, grinning and doing that weird wink thing that guys at construction sites do. It was actually kind of funny. Tad unnerving, but funny.
Went to the mall, saw Joe at work. It was funny, he didn't see me until I walked up behind him and said "guess who." Then he jumped and was all, "OMG I didn't see you!" It was great.
Now I'm off to do more English. And to check my goddamn sched. for next sem.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 9:24 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (1) |
Sunday, November 7, 2004
I'm Home, Did You Miss Me?
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: Damn Kelly Clarkson
Yeah basically I'm home and I'm in a huge rush to get my homework done (damn Mrs. Smith). Jooooosh, did you do your hooooomework??? Lol. I hate English homework. How am I supposed to do an argument on something I know nothing about?? I'm not smart, people!! Until Friday night, I didn't even know what mandatory sentencing meant!! Bah.
And I have the hiccups. So yes, off to check my hate mail (the last nonhetero Republican, BUSH TILL I DIE!!!).


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 12:06 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Friday, November 5, 2004
Philly
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Join Me -- HIM
In Philly. Bored. Lonely. I should go for a walk. There are some interesting people here, lotsa musicians and such. I've had way too much coffee. If I knew people here, it wouldn't be so bad. But I miss some people (*Josh*) and so I will return to MD by Monday.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 4:55 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (1) |
Thursday, November 4, 2004
I Figured It Out
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:  down
Now Playing: nothing
It's S.A.D. The rain, no sunshine. The only explanation is S.A.D., Seasonal Affective Disorder for you nonmedical types. Wonderful. Now I'm diseased, too.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 2:32 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
{insert generic title here}
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:  down
Now Playing: The End of Heartache -- Killswitch Engage
Yes I am semi-depressed. Back to the Zoloft. Yippee. I'm so damn tired all the time. All I want to do is sleep. I'm not functioning right.
I don't know if I'll actually post this. I don't want everyone thinking I'm all angst and typical teen. I know my life from looking at this blog may seem like that, but it's not. Or maybe it is typical teen crap, but it's not totally depressed and angsty and so on, is it?
Then again, why should I give a f*ck? It's my blog and I can post what I feel like posting and I shouldn't be thinking about how I sound. If no one likes it, fine. I don't care. To borrow from Stefani, It's my life!!!
So. I'm tired and nonfunctioning and I don't like it. *changes song to* Mein Teil -- Rammstein. I love this song. Maybe if I listen to more nondepressing stuff (no more Lacuna Coil or Evanescence for awhile) I'll get better. No more Eagles. Funny how I talk about anything on here and yet in real life I would die before I talked about it with anyone. I hate sounding needy and sh*t.
This is a very disjointed post.
I'm reading Mansfield Park, by Jane Austen. It's kind of funny in a way. There's this one part where Miss Crawford and Edmund are talking about Fanny, and Miss Crawford says, "Pray, is she out, or is she not?--I am puzzled." They go on, talking about how to determine whether a young lady is "out" or not. Apparently, if a girl wears a closed bonnet, she is demure and not "out." A girl who is "out" has confidence and is not afraid to speak out. So am I out? It depends.
"Till now, I could not have supposed it possible to be mistaken as to a girl's being out or not."
Unfortunately, it's much harder to figure out now. Girls flirt with everyone. I swear, even if a girl kisses you on the cheek, it doesn't mean she's bi or les anymore. This is getting ridiculous. I think all females are at least bi.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 12:32 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Wednesday, November 3, 2004
I Think I'm More Coherent Now
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Anything But Ordinary -- Avril Lavigne
I think I'll switch songs. *changes song to* Over and Over -- Nelly feat. Tim McGraw. Much
better. I think I may be feeling a teensy bit depressed. Or perhaps that's me, still tired (I haven't
slept yet).
I dunno, I feel the need to declare the fact that I am totally independant (even though we ALL
know this is completely not the case). I have the need to be independant. I hate parents. I want to
go live at my best friend's place. I want to live anywhere but with my dad.
I don't remember if I've ever told my "horror stories" about my dad on here before. Well, I may as
well begin now.
First off, he's a religious redneck with no consideration for others. OK, he has some consideration,
but not often. I think his record is something like four times in a year or so. Anyway. Where was I?
Oh yes. Religious redneck, some consideration, he has no communication skills at all and he's
convinced that he's always right (hence the consideration thing).
I hate the fact that he's so goddamn religious because I think he could actually be semi-cool if he
wasn't all Christian and so on. He's the only person I know of who doesn't know I'm bisexual.
(Well, I don't know, he may have figured it out by now. He cost me a relationship with his
bullheaded ignorance.) At least, I never actually came out to him.
He thinks I'm still 12. So I may look like I am, but I'm not!! I'm fucking 16!! I'll be 17 in a few
months!! He tries to control the teensy bit of my life he knows about. It drives me crazy.
OK. That's the normal stuff. A creepy little anecdote: He stands in my doorway while I'm brushing
my hair and just looks at me. I know he's there, I can see him in the goddamn mirror. He leans
against the dorrframe and just ... watches, stares, silently. You'd think I was naked or something.
Then when I'm done brushing my hair, he'll come over to me and ... I don't know, pet me I guess
is the right way to say it. He pets my hair. It creeps the hell out of me.
That's enough family weirdness. But I want out of this house.
Although maybe I should get some sleep before running off again, huh?


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 6:58 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (1) |
I Think I'm More Coherent Now
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Anything But Ordinary -- Avril Lavigne
I think I'll switch songs. *changes song to* Over and Over -- Nelly feat. Tim McGraw. Much better. I think I may be feeling a teensy bit depressed. Or perhaps that's me, still tired (I haven't slept yet).
I dunno, I feel the need to declare the fact that I am totally independant (even though we ALL know this is completely not the case). I have the need to be independant. I hate parents. I want to go live at my best friend's place. I want to live anywhere but with my dad.
I don't remember if I've ever told my "horror stories" about my dad on here before. Well, I may as well begin now.
First off, he's a religious redneck with no consideration for others. OK, he has some consideration, but not often. I think his record is something like four times in a year or so. Anyway. Where was I? Oh yes. Religious redneck, some consideration, he has no communication skills at all and he's convinced that he's always right (hence the consideration thing).
I hate the fact that he's so goddamn religious because I think he could actually be semi-cool if he wasn't all Christian and so on. He's the only person I know of who doesn't know I'm bisexual. (Well, I don't know, he may have figured it out by now. He cost me a relationship with his bullheaded ignorance.) At least, I never actually came out to him.
He thinks I'm still 12. So I may look like I am, but I'm not!! I'm fucking 16!! I'll be 17 in a few months!! He tries to control the teensy bit of my life he knows about. It drives me crazy.
OK. That's the normal stuff. A creepy little anecdote: He stands in my doorway while I'm brushing my hair and just looks at me. I know he's there, I can see him in the goddamn mirror. He leans against the dorrframe and just ... watches, stares, silently. You'd think I was naked or something. Then when I'm done brushing my hair, he'll come over to me and ... I don't know, pet me I guess is the right way to say it. He pets my hair. It creeps the hell out of me.
That's enough family weirdness. But I want out of this house.
Although maybe I should get some sleep before running off again, huh?


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 5:19 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
*faints from excitement, sleep deprivation and hunger*
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Things I'll Never Say -- Avril Lavigne
Bush won ... yay ... I need sleep and food. Unfortunately I'm babysitting and can't sleep. >.< Oh well. I'll sleep later. Thursday, Thursday is the premiere of The O.C.!!! WOOHOO!! I'm gonna watch it with one of my best friends (sorry Alex, you would only talk and talk about how hot Ryan is and that is somewhat distracting after a while -- although yes, he is hot). God I need caffeine. "There's too much blood in my caffeine system!!" LOL.
I've had a pretty good day, I saw *Josh* and talked to a zillion people. (Shush Kelly.) OK I seriously need sleep so anything coherent is going to have to wait.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 2:40 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Monday, November 1, 2004
Yes, I am talking about John Kerry
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Hellview --- I forget the band
Oh my god. I have finally caught "election fever." I'm scared to death of Kerry winning! How sad is that? I had this nightmare where he won the election and he got America blown up. That was Sunday night ... or morning ... well it was Sunday. Ever since then, I've been paranoid and nervous and skeered. I have decided that if Kerry wins the election, I will smuggle myself to England (or get my bro to fly me once he gets his pilot's license). If there's definitely going to be a war, I'm going to Norway. (In Norway, it's supposedly harder to be attacked because of all the harbors and their anti-aircraft.)
I have my clothes packed. Not just because of my house-hopping, either.
Oh yes, I also think that if Kerry is elected, it is a definite sign that these are the End Days. I'm not Christian and I don't claim Christianity as my faith, but damn it this may convert me. (I don't want to die and go to hell or go through the Tribulation or anything like that.) That's scaring me too. I'm a nervous wreck. I've caught myself starting to hyperventilate several times.
Someone needs to let me back into the nuthouse.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 4:49 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (4) |
Friday, October 29, 2004
Singing and Walks in the Rain
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Join Me In Death -- Him & Her
I'm house-hopping again, so I spent the day at my boyfriend's house. It was fun. We watched Man On Fire and hung out. (I hate parents.) We went for a walk, and since he lives next to the Potomac and has a pier, we went there. (Shut up, Kelly. I do not want to hear it. ...Got an empty room next week? I may need to borrow it...) Anyway, I've never seen swans before, not in real life -- and it turns out that a flock of them swim there all the time! So I got to see swans and sit on a pier in the rain. Kind of cool. His mom wants him to play guitar and have me sing along so she can tape it. Why, I have no clue. It sounds fun though. We're going to do either "Hotel California" or "Heaven's A Lie." I wanted to do "Whiskey Lullaby" or maybe "Comalies," but oh well.
So tonight I'll be at Nat's house (probably all day tomorrow and maybe Sunday too). I need to get the f*** away from my house. I'm only here for an hour to get some clothes and submit the damned English paper that was due yesterday. (Joooooooosh! Do your paper! LOL.) If anyone has an extra room, couch, bed, floor (I'm not picky LOL), can I use it sometime next week?? Pleeeease??? I'll only stay a day or two, I promise.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 3:46 PM EDT | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
I forgot
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: Resident Evil:Apocalypse
Josh e-mail your blog link to me pretty pretty please *cute angelic face* :-) Thank you. Peace.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 5:27 PM EDT | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (2) |
{insert any generic title here}
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: Something off the Resident Evil:Apocalypse soundtrack
I'm getting back into metal apparently. Quite a switch from Chesney and Jackson. Oh well. I think the song is called Nymphetemine (no clue how to spell it).
I've also gone back to the gothic faeries and angels *coughAmyLeecough* Vampires are interesting me too. (Alex, do vampire chicks wear those stupid skirts? LOL.) I think I'm going to go back to my all-black-and-lacy wardrobe. (Would I still be "cute," Josh?) I have this craving for something swishy and black and lacy. I need to go back to Hot Topic. No, back up. First I need money. Damn it I need a job!
I could make myself a cape. One of those short, femme leather capes with a collar. Interesting. (No, Ashley darling, you can't bite me. We're over, remember?? Goes for you too Kelly.) Hmm. I'm supposed to see Saw on Friday. Or was it Saturday? Ice, you're supposed to keep track of these things for me! I should deck out in my chains and cuffs. I dunno if I can give up the tight jeans though. I kinda like the way my ass looks in those. (Shush, Tiffany. "I'm allowed to like my ass, right?")
It's like a 180 for me. Prep, punk, goth, punk, prep, punk, goth, on and on. I take PRIDE in being a "poser," Abby! F*ck you. (No, really .... LOL.) OK I'm supposed to be doing an essay. DOWN WITH MRS. SMITH!!!!! Peace.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 5:22 PM EDT | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Monday, October 25, 2004
My Lyfe
Topic: { me }
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Some rap song on the radio
It occurs to me that the entire world could be reading my lyfe and I wouldn't know. Most people who read any of this are probably in the psych ward by now. (And you should be, Ice!!)
Mannn I am never wearing a skirt again. The comments, the come-ons, the sh*t I put up with is so not worth it. Thanks for the advice, Alex! Like I'll listen to you again. Well, OK, maybe I'll wear a skirt. Just not a mid-thigh skirt. Damn. Too much trouble. (Kelly, do not start. I know what you're going to say. Yes, it was the plaid skirt and no, I left the cuffs at home.) Sure, it looked cool and all, but ... no.
I was given the most awesome faery statuette today! She's all sparkly and happy-looking, holding this little bouquet and she has on this awesome gown, exactly what you would think a faery would wear. I love her wings. They're transparent and they have tiny little swirly designs in them and they sparkle, too. I love it! And I got this beautiful pair of earrings made of butterfly wings, too. (LOL earwings!) They're black and blue with a lil bit of yello in them and they have turquoise studs! I can wear those with my faery shirt and pants. *does a happy dance*
Damn. I really am caffeinated. I think I need to go lie down before I pass out ....


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 5:28 PM EDT | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (2) |
Saturday, October 23, 2004
Movies, CDs and Shopping
Topic: { me }
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Little Moments -- Brad Paisley
Bought my Brad Paisley CD finally -- woohoo! I still love that song, Whiskey Lullaby. I don't care if it's depressing as f*ck, I like it. Next stop: Destiny's Child.
Went to see Surviving Christmas with *Josh*. (LMAO Alex!!) It wasn't as funny as I thought it would be, but it was OK. It was fun. Interesting. (Don't you dare say "I told you so," Kelly. He didn't and I didn't so ha and I was right!) My parents were cooler about it than I thought they would be, considering it was *Josh* who "invited" me. (No, Alex.)
I've been driving all damn day. Ever since I woke up and got out of bed, it's run out the door, come back, run out the door again, on and on and on. I'm getting a bit tired. Back to school on Monday *groan* I hate getting up at 6.30 just so I can wash my damn hair before anyone starts the washing machine.
I have around $13 to spend. (Minus the Destiny's Child CD.) Who wants to go to the mall with me tomorrow?? Shani, let's hit VS!


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 5:21 PM EDT | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Updated: Monday, October 25, 2004 5:14 PM EDT
Thursday, October 21, 2004
It's THE song!
Topic: ..: muSic :..
Mood:  lyrical
Now Playing: Guess ....
That song by Brad Paisley, Whiskey Lullaby, is officially my current fave song. *sighs* It's so beautiful! LOL.
Might be going to the movies Saturday with *Josh*. Should be interesting. (Shut up, Kelly!! I'm not that slutty yet.) The only problem with it is my parents: They think they need to know absolutely everyone I ever speak to and now they're all paranoid about everyone I meet at CSM. (No, they have no reason to be paranoid. DURR, Alex!! At least you're gay.) I hate being 16 and living in jail.
The minute I turn 18, I'm going to Mississippi and maybe Florida and definetely North Carolina (w00t!). I'm moving out on January 26, 2006. I don't know yet where I'll be moving to, but I refuse to stay in this house longer than I absolutely have to. (If I move out before I'm 18, they can legally force me back here. It doesn't matter if you can kick their asses, Lauren.)
So yeah. I hate being 16. Maybe when I turn 17 it'll get better. (I doubt it.)


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 4:03 PM EDT | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Updated: Monday, October 25, 2004 5:17 PM EDT
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
OK I think I'm stable
Topic: * my man *
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Whiskey Lullaby -- Brad Paisley and some chick
OK. I didn't break up with him. I had every intention of doing so last night but I cried so much I couldn't say anything. And then he said all those things that made me feel so much better and I cried some more and I'm happy with him now. Ironically enough, when I think about last night I can honestly say I love him.
So that's all right now. All I have to worry about now is midterms and Thursday and Friday. My mom is being a bitch about every little thing and it's driving me up the f*ckin wall!! So I'm trying to ask if my boyfriend can come over on Thursday and she's like, "I think you have a dennnntist appointment." So I check, and the appointment is for Friday, which sucks because I want to go to the movies with a friend, and I tell her that no, I see the dentist Friday not Thursday. She goes, "Wellllllll.... I don't know yet." I was so mad.
We got the CSM catalogue thing and my mom has decided that I absolutely NEED to take English and math again. Naturally, I don't think this is the case. I want to take Pysch and some Theatre and I'm not sure what else yet. But nooooo. Once again, my controlling mother has ruined it for me.
I think I'm getting over Stephanie. Wow. And I haven't made a complete fool of myself in front of her yet! I think I'm making progress! Or maybe I'm getting shyer. Oh well. I need a gay guy best friend. Alex never spends any time with me anymore. Any volunteers? I've got a dyke best friend (Shani), a straight guy best friend, and a straight girl best friend. See Shani, I talk about you!
OK, I should go study. Peace.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 5:43 PM EDT | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Monday, October 18, 2004
Back into the tornado
Topic: * my man *
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Losing Grip -- Avril Lavigne
I have been thrown, tumbled, dumped, shoved, and kicked back into my whirlwind of confusion. In other words, I have relapsed into my breakdown. In other other words, my lyfe is still falling apart and as usual it's because of my goddamn relationship problems.
*breathes*
OK. Now, I'm not sure why, but I kept thinking yesterday and maybe I'm not so content with my current boyfriend. Yes, that's the most secure and stable relationship I see at the moment, but I don't want to plan out my lyfe and be locked down for the rest of my lyfe either! I'm 16!! I don't care if he finds this and reads it, I'm going to make my list.
1) He gets needy/clingy.
2) He's too sensitive sometimes. (A lot of times.)
3) He's too serious.
4) He gets overprotective and possessive.
5) He's jealous as hell.
Shall I stop? You get my point. On the other hand....
1) He buys me things.
2) He goes out of his way for me.
3) He's nice to me.
4) He makes me laugh.
5) He doesn't try to hurt me.
I don't know. I'm very confused. If I break up with him now, I'm going to feel twice as bad because he's having one of his needy "days." I'm scared to break up with him because at least with him I know I'll have a future. I think. But I'm too young to want to do that, to be in such a goddamn serious relationship and have to worry about it all the time! I hate this. Maybe I should just get it over with.

I could fill a thousand pages telling you how I felt and still you would not understand so now I leave without a sound except my heart shattering as it hits the ground.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 5:42 PM EDT | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |

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