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Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Grr: A List
Topic: { me }
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: A Favor House Atlantic -- Coheed & Cambria
A list. A list of reasons. A list of reasons I have to hate myself.

I'm not smart, I'm not pretty, I'm a f*ing 26-inch cube, I let everyone walk all over me, I'm apparently not worth notice unless I've done something wrong, I intentionally hurt myself, I'm a drama queen {like right now}, nothing I do turns out right, I have the famous ability to mess up anything and everything, I can barely talk half the time, I'm completely insane, I'm the f*ing stereotypical "depressed teenager searching for god knows what", everyone I know would be better off if I wasn't here to f* up their lives, obviously I can't trust myself with anything, and there's so many more that it's not funny.

Why am I saying all this? Not because of my family. Not because of the cutting. Actually, I have reason to be very happy with myself except for this one thing. Which happens to be driving me crazy because, damn it all, I've done it again!!! This is going to be one of those nonsensical posts because only 2 people know what I'm talking about. {And I'm the only one with the whole story.}

I cannot believe myself. Yet again, I take hours to convince myself of something, and within five minutes I completely ignore everything I made myself accept in the first place. I swear. I f*ing swear. I need a deadbolt on my door. A deadbolt or three. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone. I am not happy with myself at all.

Well, I'm not as angry with myself as I was last night, but I am still very upset at me. I knew better.

OK, take a breath, Diana. Chill. Calm down. Let it go. Breathe in, breathe out. OK.

Yes, I'm trying to let it go, but damn it ... why do I do crap like that?? Especially after I tell myself over and over that I won't this time??

It doesn't matter. Calm down. It's OK.

No, you don't understand.

{You're saying this to yourself? Ooookayy, Diana.}

Shut up. You don't. If you understood, you wouldn't be telling me to calm down, you would be yelling at me. It's my famous ability to f* everything up displaying itself again. Grr. I can't believe myself.

Look, it's not the end of the world. You're just angry because ... well OK I'm not entirely sure why, but you are and you need to cut it out. You sound like a two-year-old.

I just can't win. Not even my other voice will agree with me. I give up. But I still hate myself.

Someone smack her before she spreads her bad vibes please....


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 12:15 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Sunday, January 9, 2005
You Won't Try For Me
Topic: { * eVerythiNg * }
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Missing -- Evanescence
Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
Maybe someday you'll look up
And barely conscious, you'll say to no one
Isn't something missing

You won't cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant
Am I so insignificant
Isn't something missing
Isn't someone missing me

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me

Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
I know what you do to yourself
I breathe deep and cry out
Isn't something missing
Isn't someone missing me

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me

And if I bleed
I'll bleed
Knowing you don't care
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there

Isn't something missing
Isn't something

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't something missing
Isn't someone missing me


I think that mostly sums up how I feel. I went to Philly today. I'm still in disgrace and my dad is still yanking me around instead of talking to me. {Hopefully I don't get five thousand bruises. I can just see it now, I'll have to go somewhere and some person will ask me if my parents are hitting me. I need a spell to ward off the goddam counselor, I know she'll ask me about it.} The rest of my family, my mom and both my brohers, have taken to either snapping at me or completely ignoring me.

Can't you feel the love and happiness and warmth in this house?

I swear. This is getting rather out of hand. Just what did I do that was so wrong? I apologize for being born on the 26th. I apologize for existing. What more can I say I'm sorry for?

Grrr. Plus, I'm frustrated. Broken glass is not as sharp as it's said to be. I want to cut so damn bad. It's driving me crazy. Either I find something sharp enough to do the job or I scream so loud they'll have to lock me into a soundproof room just to shut me up.

I can't find a way to get it out of my system. Other than cutting or screaming. Another way would be to cry myself to sleep, but I can't do that. I can't cry on command. {I can burst into tears at the sight of a dead bird in my yard but watch some innocent bystander die in a driveby without shedding a tear. It's ridiculous.}

I feel absolutely worthless. Invisible, worthless, inconvenient, stupid, ugly me. Funny, I almost want to say it's not fair. But life isn't fair and I most likely deserve it in some way that I haven't thought of yet. That's the way my life works. I'm just ... nothing. Yeah, it makes me mad, but that's always how it works.

There's two sides to this. I feel like nothing on one side, and on the other side I'm raging at this little box they've put me in. I'm furious, but I only have enough energy to hurt one person. {Which happens to be the person who deserves it the most.}

I've been eating junk food {popcorn, chocolate, etc.} more than usual because there's nothing else for me to do. Steven is always on the computer {there go my stories and poems etc.}. Greg is always playing Xbox {there goes any TV I may consider watching}. My parents are always on the phone {I can't call anyone because my calls aren't nearly as important as theirs}. Grr. I hate this.

Question of the century: Would anyone give a shit if I died tonight? {Answer: Most likely not.}

FUCK LIFE. I HATE THEM.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 7:31 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Updated: Sunday, January 9, 2005 7:57 PM EST
Saturday, January 8, 2005
Good News, Bad News
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Breathe No More -- Evanescence
Actually I'm singing it, not playing it, but oh well. I have good news and bad news, so my mood should read celebratory/down.

Good news first: I have restocked on chocolate. I'm home alone. I'm in a pretty damn good mood despite the bad news. I'm not in Philly. I'm happy cause I hung out with Josh yesterday.

Oh yes, and did I mention I had my interview today? And I didn't totally f*** it up? Don't know if I got the job yet, but hey I'm proud of myself.

OK, now the bad news: My arm has a bruise from where my dad twisted it {and it still freaking hurts}. My dad is being a complete bastard. My birthday has become ammunition in my parents' war {forget me doing anything or having any kind of party}, which really makes me upset because it's MY birthday, you know? And they're all like, "Well you can't do anything this day because your FATHER *insert glare* wants to go somewhere," and "Forget going anyplace that day because your MOTHER *insert glare* is having friends over," etc. And I have stuff I want to do {and am damn well going to do} for my birthday. FYI, they don't give a rat's azz that I'm turning 17. Their only concern is that the other parent is not happy. Grr. Anyway. I think that covers the bad news.

This birthday shiz is really making me upset though. My dad makes it sound like my birthday is an inconvenience and like it's my fault we can't go to Philly so his mother can have Xmas. I'm all for my grandma having Xmas, but there is stuff I want to do. I want to meet Josh's family. I want to hang out with my chick friends. I'm turning 17 and nobody in my family cares. Nobody. I don't think anyone even knows how old I am right now. This sucks. Oh and to top all that, Steven is turning 7 and EVERYONE is making a huge deal out of it. My mom is going crazy with joy and planning this HUGE bash for him and shiz. His birthday is four days after mine, people!! Grr.

There's more stuff I want to say but this birthday crap is getting in the way. It's like I'm freaking invisible all of a sudden. {When I finally went inside last night, no one knew I was even out there. No one cared. I went into my room and cried.} My mom doesn't talk to me. My dad doesn't talk to me {no, he twists my arm and yanks me around instead} which is fine because I don't want to talk to him either. My brothers are either hitting me or ignoring me completely. No one cares. When I left with Josh on Tuesday, my mom didn't know I was gone after an hour {and after she gave me the puzzled look and said, "You're leaving? For where?" and then just walked away}. Yes, I know I wish for them to get off my back, but I didn't mean that I wanted them to completely cut me out.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 2:24 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (3) |
Friday, January 7, 2005
I Hate My Face
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Nothing
The minute I come downstairs to do something, my eyes get irritated. Why? I haven't a clue. Blast contacts. EVERYTHING irritates them. And you would think that taking them out and putting them back in would fix the problem, but nooo. That would just be too easy. I had to go and get out a new pair of contacts just so I could see. Stupid eyes.

So I'm bouncing around the house, putting up curtain rods and taking down curtain rods, in my 1940's ... whatever you want to call it. The dress plus the hat plus the scarf-thingy plus the butterfly necklace. {I'm not wearing high heels today so I left out the shoes.} I look like a Mafia queen or something. It's very interesting. Unfortunately, it's all black. I'm trying to break away from the black-evil-dark clothing that I wear when I have to be formal. I need some color. {That's why I'm wearing the blue butterfly necklace. Shush, Kelly, it looks interesting!}

I'm hungry and there's nothing in this house to eat. Except maybe fries. Other than that, there's nothing. We don't even have "healthy" food that everyone else in this family eats. It's kinda sad.

*yawn* I dunno, I feel rather blah. I don't have a lot of energy, but I want to be doing something instead of just reading. Grr.

The most awesome song of all time has to be Breathe No More. Second to that, it's Missing. And then there's Annie and She Floats. Oh oh and can't forget Driven Under, which rocks. If I had to pick a favorite song, I don't think I could do it. Maybe a favorite song by a certain group or singer, but not in general. There's way too many songs. I couldn't pick a favorite singer/group, either. Maybe a favorite singer/group within a certain genre, but once again not in general. My musical taste is too broad for that. I never thought I would say that. I used to be one of those kids who only listened to what her parents listened to. {Which was Christian music and it all sounded alike anyway.} And then....

DC101 saved me. From DC101 I went to HFS. From there I went to 99.5 and what was then Z104 {and is now a blend of music instead of all hits like 99.5 is now}. I haven't voluntarily listened to anything Christian in two years. {Wow. That's a long time.} Pretty much anything else, I'll listen to. Including country music now. But that's more recent. I've only been listening to WMZQ for like six months. {Voluntarily, that is.}

It's weird, people accuse me of being all close-minded and crap when I say I listen to anything but Christian. That's not true. I just don't connect with the music, is all. My mom claims I've closed the religion out of my life because I don't want to listen to it. {And because I don't care what happened in Awanas the night before. And I disagree with Pastor Hirschman on a lot of things he preaches about.} It's funny.

It's not that I hate Christians or Christianity {that's impossible for me}, it's just that it doesn't work for me. I grew up Christian and there was nothing that made a difference in my life because of it. {Other than the being bullied constantly, etc. I mean a good difference.} My mom believes in the power of prayer and stuff, but I used to pray a lot and nothing would happen. Ever. The Bible didn't say anything to me. {Most of the time I couldn't understand it.}

And now she says I've closed it out of my life. Ha. If anything like that happened, then it was God closing me out, thank you very much.

Enough rambling. I'll make myself mad in a few minutes if I keep talking about it.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 2:02 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Thursday, January 6, 2005
It's Raining
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: Nothing, actually
Why am I playing nothing? Because I'm rewriting a song. Yes, a song. {I'm not limited to short story.} Before that, I was editing junk.

And the song sounds cool, tyvm. It's about a girl who cuts and it's very surreal. {Think Lacuna Coil plus Vanessa Carlton with a dash of my personality. VERY surreal.} I'm on the third rewrite.

{The funny part is, I originally came up with the song while I was bored in church. And JESSICA MURPHY thought it was interesting. LMAO!!}

So yes, I'm rewriting a song and going through various notebooks I own. I think I've hit a creative phase. I'm writing new ideas in the margins of stories and stuff I've already written {from like three years ago}. I found my poems notebook. I am one morbid byatch. No kidding. Sick and twisted, that's me. I particularly like my poem Nightmare. It's about a girl who drowns in blood. {I have a fascination with drowning and blood, I don't know why.} There's two rewrites of that poem. I think I like the original best, though.

I have a lot of angry songs. Angry songs and suicide poetry and crazy people stories. Hmm. I'm a strange person. {Oh yes, I also like If I Died. Needs some revision, though.}

Untitled

Initiate
Reciprocate
New drama begins
In your mind
You're paralyzed
Do you want to be with him
Confusing
Refusing
End result? fear
Remaining
Explaining
Not the time, not here
First recognition
Of immaturity.

January 3, 2004

I happen to be proud of that one. That's the one that got published. *grins* Surprise surprise, one of my favorite poets is Poe. I love Alone. {Well I love most of his poems lol.} Now I'm half-tempted to post my other awesome poem, Proof of Insanity, but I don't think I will. Not today. I need to start my own magazine just so I can read what I want to. Just like I have to write because no one writes what I want to read lol.

"Katie" v. 4

Waking from dreams of ashes / war and airplanes crashing / shatter the light / Katie eat your breakfast / i lace my neck / with a broken necklace /*Katie's staring at the mirror / parting her hair with a straight razor / opens up this dark red river / mixing blonde and blood together / the change captivates her / every time* / swallows light like it's knives / shattering all their lives / visions of blood in my head / dancing to their screams / oh katie / you're so lost / *Katie's staring at the mirror / parting her hair with a straight razor / opens up this dark red river / mixing blonde and blood together / the change captivates her / every time* / oh Katie can't you see / you're cause of tragedy / you're talking much too loud / inside you can't be found / *Katie's staring at the mirror / parting her hair with a straight razor / opens up this dark red river / mixing blonde and blood together / the change captivates her / every time*


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 10:38 AM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Wednesday, January 5, 2005
I'm Still "Bubbly" and Stuff
Topic: { * eVerythiNg * }
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Thoughtless -- Evanescence
Yes I know, Thoughtless isn't really a happy song but hell.

"Bubbly" and happy and smiley is not how I normally act. I'm normally quiet and laid-back and "whatever-ish". My mother thinks I'm on drugs because I keep randomly grinning and stuff. {It's kind of funny in a way.}

Why do I keep randomly grinning and why am I being all "bubbly" and happy? Guess. Not even Diva is too dumb to guess. {J/K, Diva.} Yeah, I keep thinking about yesterday. There! I randomly grinned! {Although you can't see me ... shush, leave me alone. I'm not bright that way.} Josh can make me laugh even when he's not here. I'm so happy it's almost scary. *muah* I miss ou Josh.

It's Wednesday. Which means tomorrow is Thursday. Which means ... THE OC!! YAY!! It's either this week or next week they start playing all the new episodes. Seth is my absolute favorite. And I dunno, Summer cracks me up, but I relate better to Marissa. {"How can you be claustrophobic in a building with three sides made of windows?!" "I can't breathe." LMMFAO} I know Modest Mouse is on the show tomorrow.

*yawn* I need to find something to do....


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 12:59 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Tuesday, January 4, 2005
Lemony Snicket and My Hair and Air Hockey and Other Things
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Tourniquet -- Evanescence
I have yet another Lemony Snicket book! And surprise surprise, I've alread finished it. {Fast reader.} How did I get hold of another one? Blame my hair.

My beautiful hair that I love and believe to be my only really good feature -- has been cut off. {GASP!! HER HAIR!! GONE?!} No. Not gone. But .... It's short now. It's a full two inches shorter. *tear* My hair ... my beautiful hair .... And it's going back to whatever color it really is and then the ends are going to be dark red. Woohoo. Fun fun. Step two in this plan is to find a hair dye that matches my natural hair color. {Actually, first I have to figure out what color it really is. Then the dye.} After I re-dye it {hopefully it won't look totally stupid, what with the highlights and the other natural hair that I'm hoping won't get dyed four shades darker than the rest of my hair lol}, I'm going to bleach the ends and then dye the ends. I should be done by January 26. Hell yeah. Blasted if I'm not. This is my goal now. Red ends by my birthday.

OK. There is a way to 1) not let me win and 2) ensure that I win the game in air hockey. {I swear you jinxed me, Josh!}

Yes today is Tuesday. Tuesday, January 4. {Oh hell, it's already January!! Lol.} For you deaf and blind idiots who have either learned to ignore me or just have A.D.D., this means that Josh and I have been dating for three months. Wow! Lol. So today was a special day. We went to Applebee's for lunch and to the mall {where I was supposed to kick butt at air hockey and didn't}. Yes, Natalie, we went through Sears. Didn't see him lol. We saw Ocean's Twelve! Twelve is the new Eleven!! The movie kicks azz. {Julia Roberts playing Tess Ocean playing Julia Roberts ... who was told she didn't look like Julia Roberts. I love it.}

But what made the day awesome was being with Josh the whole time. *muah* I love you Josh.

So yes, my day has been terrific. And now I want some more chocolate so off I go to read and stuff lol.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 9:31 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Monday, January 3, 2005
Shopping and Tuesday Which Happens to be Tomorrow
Topic: [ [ stuff ] ]
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Something by Evanescence
I got my fuzzy red coat! Yay! And I cleaned out my whole closet! Holy shitaki mushrooms that was scary. There were spiders and other creepy things in there. I never knew I had so much junk. I threw out three trash bags of crap. And a zillion clothes got sent off to the thrift store. {Have fun, Natalie! Lol.}

I was looking at all my people on my buddy list. Wow. I know a lot of people. {JAXIEEEEE!!! I MISS YOU TOO!!! TELL JEANNIE I SAID HI AND I MISS HER TOO!!! (((((( Jaxie and Jaxie's legs ))))) ~~from your Ducki -- PEACE!!! EYE LUB JU!!!} Anyway. The ((()))'s are hugs, BTW. Oh oh oh and Tim you sexxy ballerina, keep dancing!! Lmao. {Sorry Tim, I had to....} And Isaac, Isaac, Isaac... you dork! WTF have you been??

But wait. A special shout to Diva. Ayo Diva, wherever the f*** you went after you got evicted, I miss you. Quit smoking weed in court. Go to rehab. IT'S IMPATIENT WHEN YOU'RE NORMAL YO!! NOT INPATIENT!! Crazy bastard. Eye lub ju. {Don't even go there. No cybering. Nuh uh.}

Who else? Mom in Philly, I love you fo' real. I miss you. Rachel and Debbie, I miss y'all. {How do you say y'all in New Yorker? LOL!!} My other Rachel, my Wookie Rachel, my darling Mafia Rachel with whom I had so many awesome times f***ing with Jason X {hol duip, I'm fuicke dup yo!}, I miss you. Don't hate Diva no more. Hating is hazardous to the Mafia. Especially with Isaac in it. Oh oh oh and Bryan, wherever you are, I miss you and I'm sorry. You were great. Nancy, you were like my fourth mom. Which brings me to Shan and Mon, I miss you two, I miss Jewel and Nikki, *muah* I heart you all. Michelle, crazy palm-tree Michelle, get it on with Kelly already.

There's a special shout to Tori. Tori hon, I hope you're happy. Screw Tev yo. You deserve so much better.

These are all people that either I haven't talked to in a while or can't get a hold of. My second family. My crew. Guys, I'm always your Ducki yo. {Only genom may call me the other name. Diva has exclusive rights on Fresh Meat. Jeannie, we'll always be b****es.}

Man. That is a lot of people. And I know I skipped some. But damn. I miss all y'all.

LOL there is wayyyy too much to say about some of them. Diva, Rachel, Laylay, Tim, Michelle, all them crazy f***ers. Diva is a drag queen who smokes too much and can't function without alcohol {no freaking lie, he can't stand up if he's sober} and enjoys cybering with jailbait kids. Rachel is just Rachel. Laylay ... Laylay is special. {But Alley is NOT.} Tim is our dancing French ballet teacher with the six-pack and devil horns. {RRRrrr! Lmao.} Michelle is Michelle. Palm trees are off-limits yo.

But anyway. I'm off to the thrift store. And I have to call people. So peace, TTYL, whatever....


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 1:16 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Sunday, January 2, 2005
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Now Playing: Run To You -- Evanescence
Oh. My. God.

Guess who I saw today? No, not the Pope. No, not Pam Anderson. No, not Amy. {Unfortunately. That would be much, much better.}

I saw Joe today. My mother dragged me, kicking and screaming, into Sears to look for curtains. {God damn the curtains.} We walked past his register, and at first I didn't see him. Then he said something and I turned around. He gave me this glare, like he wanted to kill me. So I kept walking, and like five minutes later, I heard his voice again. He was right behind me!!!

Until we left Sears, he was always nearby. It was scary. I was practically hyperventilating and in tears and just losing it in general. When we got home, I went into my room to get something and I started crying 'cause I was all upset and sh*t. {I told my mom I didn't want to go in there! But no, she said it would be good for me. Good for me?}

Eeesh. I'm going to go and try to calm down. *tear* I don't like him!! I miss *Josh*....


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 4:56 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (1) |
Shopping .. blast the curtains
Topic: [ [ stuff ] ]
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Bring Me To Life -- Evanescence
Blast the curtains. I get to go help buy the new ones because mom doesn't like the ones that she said she liked. Eesh. So instead of following my wonderful advice {read, INEXPENSIVE advice}, she's off to the mall to get more curtains. {Read, spend that hundred bucks she didn't want to spend yesterday.}

By now, I'm tired of curtains.

Why did I say anything about the curtains?! I'm kicking myself. At least I get to go to the mall and look at new jeans.

It occurs to me that I'm extremely shallow on this blog. Either that's because I'm shallow {as I've always said and loathed saying}, or because I have no time to talk about other stuff. Grr.

I can be shallow if I want to. I don't care. I'm tired of the people telling me I have to make things interesting on here. This happens to be my life, thank you very much! I don't tell everyone everything that happens to me. Obviously. None of you people know what February 2 means to me! None of you know what the color purple means to me! Now quit complaining. Quit reading if it's so boring.

Anyway. Hopefully I get to see Ocean's Twelve on Tuesday! {Only two or three of you know what Tuesday is, either.} Twelve is the new eleven! Still haven't decided where to go for lunch, though. Aaaahh!!! Tomorrow's Monday! Then comes Tuesday, and then some days after that is Saturday! Saturday is making me nervous already. {How sad is that? Lol.} But it'll be OK.

Oh no. After Saturday morning, I'm going to Philly. CRAP!! *tear* I don't wanna go to Philly. Well maybe I do. I have Xmas presents waiting for me in Philly =D. But but but.... I'll be gone all weekend. That sucks. Oh god, and then comes my birthday. And classes start again. I'm having my New Year panic attack. I'm going to freaking lose my mind before February. And then I can get it back {MAYBE} when I go skiing. Skiing. Crap.

I am SO not ready for this year. Deep breaths, don't hyperventilate, calm down, just make it through January. Oh lord I am not gonna make it.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 2:12 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Saturday, January 1, 2005
Happy New Year!!!!!!
Topic: [ [ stuff ] ]
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: Andy, You're A Star -- The Killers
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

OK now that that's out of the way, I would like to proudly announce the redecoration of our living room. I have managed to get my mom to reconsider the rather unfashionable curtains that currently adorn our lovely front window and to purchase new curtains that are more in sync with this year's styles.

In other words, I talked my mom into getting rid of those crappy-looking curtains she has and buying new curtains, sheer curtains with a pretty new curtain rod. {Applause, please. Thank you.}

Yay!! And I managed to move the furniture around again so the living room looks better, with more space and other such nonsense. I should be on Trading Spaces or While You Were Out or some show like that, making millions. Now if only I can do something with my room. It's so freaking girly. I need to get rid of the lavender and now I'm thinking blue, a semi-dark, although with the white trim I don't know. It might not have the effect I want {and I don't want to pain the trim}. So it's semi-dark blue, or the other color I want, a rich red. {I know the red will look good. But no. Parents don't like it.} With the white ceiling and white carpet and white trim, I think the semi-dark blue will look good. The same logic goes for the red, except I would want gold trim etc. to go with the red.

So.

Oh, more good news! My headache is almost gone. Oh god, you try sleeping with a headache that feels like it's going to fleeping burst your skull! Eeeesh. Not fun. Although I pulled off sleeping until after noon. Which was good. {No hangover! Lol.}

OK I'm going to go find that Simple Plan song that I like. Adios.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 6:15 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Friday, December 31, 2004
Quizilla stuff
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Anywhere But Home
I'm a Raver Bear.... {For those that don't load the pic below: "You love to dance and party and hang out with your friends! You're also quite entranced with bright, shiny things! Oooooh.... You party all the time, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. However, the happy-go-lucky attitude rubs a lot of people the wrong way, so be careful. Also, lay off the Ecstasy and Ring Pops, man. Not everyone is into spontaneous hugging...." LMMFAO!! That was so me a year and a half ago, it's not funny!!}

Raver Bear
Raver Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

How interesting. I'm a raver ... x-raver ... I should retake that quiz. Quizilla is weird yo.

What Element Would You Rule Over If You Were A Vampire? Let's see what I would be ....

"You are night, you are dark and mysterious, you have more than likly been through some kind of trauma, depression. you have a creative mind, and more than likly find peace enjoyment in drawing, painting, writing. You are closed and hidden away from people, and hide you emotions behind a wall which you use on people. Try to become more open, spread your creativity, you have no idea of how many people there are out there like you, exposing your art and yourself can make other people come out, so many people would look up to your for your courage and your spirit, your not evil or bad, just missunderstood, so get out there and show them just what you are made of, don't worry about what other people think, it's what you think that really matters."

Whoa. That's cool. That's me. Scary.

Anyway. God I have a killer headache. Damn drugs. I also have the urge to take a long bubble bath. That would be nice. I think I'll do that....

Josh, I love you n I miss you!! *muah* See you Tuesday.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 8:25 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Guess what!
Topic: [ [ stuff ] ]
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: Soldier -- Destiny's Child
Good news. I might be a scary librarian lady.

Disturbing thing is, I'm actually excited about it. This might be fun. I'd get to put books away and crap like that.

Ooh, I can wear my red glasses now! With my skirt and black shirt. And bracelets. And look like a real nerd.

The interview is next Saturday at 9.45. I should've taken the 11.05. Damn. Oh well. I even know what I'm going to wear. {Pinstripes rule!!} I totally need to get my license.

I also need to lie down. Scary librarian lady, out!


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 6:47 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Oy
Topic: { * eVerythiNg * }
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Breathe No More -- Evanescence
Lie to me, convince me that I've been sick forever
And all of this will make sense when I get better....

I have got to stop eating so much freaking sugar. I got approximately three hours of sleep because I went on a chocolate spree and was hyper all night. Good god that was bad. Combine that with my insomnia and you have one scary-looking chick at the moment. Yeesh.

So I'm posting because I'm bored and I'm avoiding sugar and I don't think anyone knows I'm awake yet. *rubs eyes* The OC is on tonight. Reruns. I'm debating whether I want to watch or not. Heathers is on too. I might watch that instead. {Ohmigod! She's contemplating skipping the OC!! Unthinkable!}

10 AM and I'm hungry but the only thing that doesn't make me nauseous at the moment is candy. I can't have candy for breakfast. At least not today. Candy = bad. Candy = hyper. Hyper = bad. Yeah.

I gotta find something to do. That's easier than it sounds, actually. There's lots of stuff I can do. Work on my story, clean my room, take a shower, eat breakfast, read a book, listen to music, etc. I just don't want to do any of those things.

I'm waiting for my mom and Steven to leave so I can watch Anywhere But Home. God how I love that DVD. But they won't leave till 11. Ahh I'm going to go insane!! Maybe I'll just go upstairs and make myself eat something.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 10:00 AM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
What I was trying to say earlier
Topic: * \ relatiionshiips / *
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Something by Keane
OK, everyone. Keep your hands and feet inside the ride until we come to a complete stop. Thank you!

In other words, I?m about to indulge in a rollercoaster of sorts. {Which is a bit difficult to do when your mother is standing there folding clothes next to you. Just a tad strange.} You get to watch me try to figure out a bunch of crap.

Those of you who know me well are either cringing or grinning because you all know how emotionally screwed up I am {complicated by the fact that I?m female and basically I?m me}. OK enough stalling.

I never believed in all those chick flicks like Shall We Dance? and those other movies about romance and true love and stuff. I dunno, I was stupid and naive enough to believe that Santa Claus existed until I was ten {and also believed that the Mother Mary brought me presents at the same time ... I don?t get it either now} but even when I was little and my mom would watch stuff like that, I was all, ?That?s not true. That isn?t how it works.?

I can name two happy, ?married? couples I know. One of them is my Uncle Greg and my Aunt Joy. {Married for like three years or so, I think.} And them, I?m not so sure about anymore. The other couple is Shannon and Monica. {Ironic, a lesbian couple is giving me the picture of a good ?marriage?. In your face, dad.} Both couples have kids, a little girl each. When I?m in Shannon and Monica?s house, there?s this feeling there that isn?t anywhere else. There isn?t any avoiding people, any glares or anything like that. They?re a real family. {My aunt and uncle are like that kind of, but there?s always this guarded feeling too. So it?s not quite the same.}

No one else I know is happy like that. My parents fight. Everyone else?s parents fight. I?m not talking about little arguments. I mean throwing dishes and telling each other to get out kind of fights. Constantly. Everywhere.

I tried having a relationship like in the movies. Yeah, that did NOT work. It ended up being my parents all over again. {Kind of scary.} Am I the only one who thinks that ?the way love is supposed to be?, Hollywood version, is a load of bs? It makes me sick. Life is not that easy. You don?t meet some guy when your shoe gets stuck and you almost get run over by a bus but he saves you just in time and you look in his eyes and he looks back and bam it?s love. I?m sorry people. That is total bs. {That was The Wedding Planner, by the way.} It doesn?t work.

There was a while where I didn?t think there was such a thing as love at all. I was convinced that people suck and all they want is someone to pay attention to them and that they only like you if you do what they want and say what they want. {I still think that last part. I see no evidence to prove otherwise.} And after that, I believed that no one would put themselves into a place where they could get hurt that badly, by telling someone else the way they felt. I know I would never do that. I thought I would never do that.

Well, I did that. Mistake. He wouldn?t let go of me after I told him how I felt for real. {I still don?t understand that relationship. I?ve given up trying to.} It was like having my lungs ripped out when he turned around and used it against me. Not only could I not breathe, but there was that aching feeling you get in your chest when you?re really sick and you?ve been coughing for weeks and it hurts every time you try to breathe. {See? This is why I?m so screwed up. My parents plus that one relationship totally screwed me over. Wonderful.}

Where am I going with this? Somewhere, I?m sure. Hang on, I?ll figure it out in a minute. Or ten.

I?ve never been able to express myself well. Not verbally anyway. Another reason I write lol. If I can?t express myself well in the first place, it?s doubly hard to tell someone how I feel because of my fear of it getting turned around on me. Aha, I know where this is going. Kind of.

Summary so far: I don?t believe in love songs. My picture of a good relationship is a lesbian couple. My parents taught me to shut up about the way I feel. I can?t {don?t know how to} express myself. Sounds disjointed, I know. Hold on.

OK. I?ll try to put it all together. I love Josh. {Reason I know this is because I have never felt this way about anyone before. I have never been as happy with anyone as I am with him. All I want to do is make him happy. I don?t care if it doesn?t make sense.} And I want to tell him how I feel, I want him to know. {Since he reads my blog, he?s about to find out anyway.} But I don?t know how to explain the way I feel. I don?t know how to describe it. {Am I supposed to know?}

Plus I?m a bit ?suspicious? {or maybe ?wary? is what I?m looking for} of opening up again. I so don?t want to get hurt again. Yes, I know that Josh won?t hurt me. That?s what I?m told and I believe it. It?s one of those damned paradoxes, because at the same time I?m terrified that that?s what?s going to happen. I know better, but ....

I?m used to being alone. I have zillions of friends, but I?m used to being quiet and alone and not having anyone that I can really talk to, mostly because I?m crazy and it scares people when I really talk to them. {And I don?t want to do that with Josh. I don?t want him to think that I?m completely psycho. Twisted and screwed up I will admit to, but I?m not 100% insane.} I?m used to being sealed up tight and staying on the surface, without letting anyone ?in?.

So yeah. Summary: I?m a bit scared to open up. I?m sorry.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 2:00 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
W*h*o*r*e
Topic: * \ relatiionshiips / *
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Farther Away -- Evanescence
Oh how I love this song. Well I love Evanescence, they can do no wrong, especially Amy Lee but damn ... I love this song. It's my life. {Just like Everybody's Fool.}

What's with the title, you may be asking? Aside from it being one of my many nicknames and one of the things my dad calls me by frequently ... nothing really. I just made it look pretty. If I'm going to be known as one, I may as well make the best of it. {How am I a w*h*o*r*e if I'm a fricking virgin, I ask you morons?}

A thief, a whore, and a liar.

*shrugs* Today is a lazy day. I'm gonna stay downstairs by the fire and read my books. Lemony Snicket!! Yay!! {*muah*} Plus I'm going to the library. It's kind of sad, I've read every interesting book at each of the three libraries near me. I have a craving for Guitar Highway Rose, though.

This is part of the reason I write. Nobody writes what I want to read, so I write it for me to read lol. I'm in the process of writing a new story about a faerie and I have no idea what it's really about other than that. I don't even have a real title. {So far, it's just "Green".} It's not actually about a faerie, it's more about a changeling, but still. It's getting interesting.

OK, I put relationships up there for a reason. Why? Oh yes. Well, I know why, but there's the little problem of me not knowing exactly what I want to say. I want to say a ton of stuff, but I don't know how. I think this is going to have to wait till later.

{*muah* Josh I love you and I miss you and hopefully I'll see you tomorrow. *muah*}


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 10:45 AM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Monday, December 27, 2004
Oh lord
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Breathe No More -- Evanescence
I'm sooo tired it's not funny. Why am I awake at 9.30 AM on a day with no school and no babysitting? Because I've gone from being able to sleep anywhere, anytime to not being able to sleep at all. Oy.

Plus I'm bored. @_@ I have five million things I have to do and I'm bored. Only me. What I really want to do is watch my Evanescence DVD. But Steven's home so I can't. Blast it. I love the Everybody's Fool video. It totally rocks. And the My Immortal video. Hell they all rock. The best part? I watch them and I'm just like, "That's me. That's my life. Exactly." Especially on the Everboy's Fool video, with the mirror and all.

*yawn* I should get dressed. Take a shower. But no. I'm lazy and I don't fleeping feel like it at the moment. {Despite the way I sound, I'm actually in a pretty good mood.} What I feel like doing is watching the DVD or reading some Austen. Emma maybe, or Sense and Sensibility. Those are good. Romantic comedy or dark comedy. I'm leaning toward the dark comedy.

I need to get out of this house. I'm suffocating. Or maybe I just need to get away from my parents. Damn the fighting. I wake up at 3 AM to the sounds of "F*** you, b****!" {Dad} "I hate you! Get the f*** out of my house!" {Mom} "It's my house, b****. You either cut this s*** out right now or YOU get out!" {Dad} *insert sound of slamming doors and Steven crying* I have a morbid curiousity to know what they were arguing about. At least nothing broke this time. Oh, I bet it was New Year's they were fighting about. My dad wants to go and my mom doesn't.

Eh. Oh well. I just wish they'd shut up so I could sleep lol. And he's not here today, so no fighting for a while. Yay! {How does Greg not wake up during this crap? His room is right across from theirs!}


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 9:36 AM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Forgot to post the lyrics
Topic: ..: muSic :..
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: T-Shirt -- Destiny's Child
[Spoken - Beyonce]
Hey Baby
I wish you could see what i have on right now
You so sexy
Imagine how intense it would be
To hold me right now
Our song's playing

[Beyonce]
At night, when you're far away and i'm alone
I feel the fabric from your t-shirt
Close to my body
I can still hear your baritone
In my ear telling me you'll take it slow
And i was in the mirror playing a roll
Like you work it, I couldn't turn me on
So i fell asleep with the music on
Woke up again hearing the same old song, playing

[Pre Chorus - Kelly]
(Oh) Give it to me deeper
(Oh) Giving me the fever
(Oh) Now you got my feet up
This one is a keeper
Now the second verse is playing
(Oh) We tried to stand up
(Oh) Hold me while my hands up
(Oh) And the music picks up
Fantasies were shook up
I'm thinking to myself again

[Chorus]
When you're not here (i sleep in your t-shirt)
I wish you were here (to take off your t-shirt)
After we make love (i sleep in your t-shirt)
Wake up in your t-shirt
still smell the scent of yout cologne
When i need your feel (i sleep in your t-shirt)
I need your help (to take off your t-shirt)
After we make love (i sleep in your t-shirt)
Wake up in your t-shirt
still smell the scent of your cologne

[Beyonce]
Outside i hear the rain on my windowpane
Hold up a minute, thought i heard your name
My mind, playing tricks on me again
I hear knocks at the door, is that baby home
Why couldn't it be a reality
Looked at the clock and it say 4:03
At nine, he'll be making love and hearing
the song again

[Pre-Chorus - Kelly]

[Chorus]

[Bridge - Michelle]
Oh boy I've been waiting
Now my body's shaking
You're so deep, baby please, take it easy
I look at your face and
Got my heart racing
You're so deep, baby please, take it easy

[Spoken - Beyonce]
Keep it right there
Oh, wait, wait, yeah
Keep it right there
You driving me crazy

[Chorus]


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 7:51 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (2) |
Xmas
Topic: { * holiidaiiz * }
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: Soldier -- Destiny's Child
I love this song. This and T-Shirt {lyrics posted at the end}. List of loot this year:

Destiny's Child -- Destiny Fulfilled

The Killers -- Hot Fuss

Evanescence -- Anywhere But Home

Airport -- chenille sweater {plus scarf}

DEB -- pinstripe fedora {woohoo}

Kohl's -- pinstripe suit jacket {woohoo}

Body Fantasies -- Shimmer Body Lotion {vanilla}

Various assorted candy and sweet stuff

And last but not least, Donald Duck. My Donald Duck is special. His butt jingles {lmfao}. There's probably other stuff I forgot too. I got my silver earrings. And I got to see *Josh* on Xmas Eve, aka Chrismukkah. {I said no laughing at me!!} Yep I had a good Xmas. Tomorrow I'm gonna watch the Evanescence DVD {LIVE IN PARIS!!!} while everyone else is at church. Funny....

I also discovered that the fedora and the jacket look really cool with my prom dress from last year. No one else agrees with me so far, but dammit I'm right. Next place I go that I have to get all dressed up, that's what I'm wearing. Though whatever-god-there-may-be knows when that'll be lol. Maybe I'll wear it the day I go back to CSM *grins*. Or some other day, I dunno. New Year's!! With pink hair!! DUDE!!

Oh dear god I've had too much sugar. I'm saying Dude now. Not just the normal Dude, either ... it's that DUUUUUUDE!!!! kind of Dude. The way I say it when I'm really really excited and everything I say ends up exploding out of me and I'm practically shaking from excitement and I ramble like I am now. No more Nilla Cokes for me. Or cookies, for that matter.

Whew. *takes a breath* I need to chill. But ... but ... the pink hair ... DUDE I need to go to Claire's like tomorrow or Tuesday. {Monday is in reserve as of today.} Oooh. Unless I'm in PA. If I'm in PA for New Year's then maybe the pink hair isn't the best idea. {Considering the people I know in Philly ... good god Kelly give up already. And Ashley, I don't care that you have no one to spend New Year's Eve with, I'm not inviting you here and I'm not going to your place. We Are Over.}

OK I'm gonna go chill. Pink hair ....


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 7:41 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (2) |
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Grr and darn it
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Nuffin
Grr and darn it I hate Xmas shopping!! There is no place for me to hide in my house. I'm tired of my room. (Plus it's full of smoke.) I'm bored. I'm restless. Grr and darn it!

The OC is on tonight. Two-hour special. I so don't feel like going to Best Buy. *groans* Blah. I want to sleep until tomorrow. I want -- oh god here we go again. I want. I want. I'm so selfish. Grr.

May as well say it. I feel like cutting. No worries, I won't. But that's how I feel. I hate my parents. Well, I would, if I had the energy to. I hate it when I feel this way. Especially because everyone writes it off as "being a teenager." That's not it, people. Those of you who know me well know that I'm f*ing bipolar.

All I want to do is sleep. And sleep. And sleep some more. Unfortunately, I also want to do something, move around, be awake. I need something to do. Three or four months ago, when I felt like this, I'd cut. (This is December. I stopped again in October. Yeah, three months. Wow.)

Grr and darn it.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 4:21 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |

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