Tuesday, December 28, 2004
What I was trying to say earlier
Topic: * \ relatiionshiips / *
Mood:
not sure
Now Playing: Something by Keane
OK, everyone. Keep your hands and feet inside the ride until we come to a complete stop. Thank you!
In other words, I?m about to indulge in a rollercoaster of sorts. {Which is a bit difficult to do when your mother is standing there folding clothes next to you. Just a tad strange.} You get to watch me try to figure out a bunch of crap.
Those of you who know me well are either cringing or grinning because you all know how emotionally screwed up I am {complicated by the fact that I?m female and basically I?m me}. OK enough stalling.
I never believed in all those chick flicks like Shall We Dance? and those other movies about romance and true love and stuff. I dunno, I was stupid and naive enough to believe that Santa Claus existed until I was ten {and also believed that the Mother Mary brought me presents at the same time ... I don?t get it either now} but even when I was little and my mom would watch stuff like that, I was all, ?That?s not true. That isn?t how it works.?
I can name two happy, ?married? couples I know. One of them is my Uncle Greg and my Aunt Joy. {Married for like three years or so, I think.} And them, I?m not so sure about anymore. The other couple is Shannon and Monica. {Ironic, a lesbian couple is giving me the picture of a good ?marriage?. In your face, dad.} Both couples have kids, a little girl each. When I?m in Shannon and Monica?s house, there?s this feeling there that isn?t anywhere else. There isn?t any avoiding people, any glares or anything like that. They?re a real family. {My aunt and uncle are like that kind of, but there?s always this guarded feeling too. So it?s not quite the same.}
No one else I know is happy like that. My parents fight. Everyone else?s parents fight. I?m not talking about little arguments. I mean throwing dishes and telling each other to get out kind of fights. Constantly. Everywhere.
I tried having a relationship like in the movies. Yeah, that did NOT work. It ended up being my parents all over again. {Kind of scary.} Am I the only one who thinks that ?the way love is supposed to be?, Hollywood version, is a load of bs? It makes me sick. Life is not that easy. You don?t meet some guy when your shoe gets stuck and you almost get run over by a bus but he saves you just in time and you look in his eyes and he looks back and bam it?s love. I?m sorry people. That is total bs. {That was The Wedding Planner, by the way.} It doesn?t work.
There was a while where I didn?t think there was such a thing as love at all. I was convinced that people suck and all they want is someone to pay attention to them and that they only like you if you do what they want and say what they want. {I still think that last part. I see no evidence to prove otherwise.} And after that, I believed that no one would put themselves into a place where they could get hurt that badly, by telling someone else the way they felt. I know I would never do that. I thought I would never do that.
Well, I did that. Mistake. He wouldn?t let go of me after I told him how I felt for real. {I still don?t understand that relationship. I?ve given up trying to.} It was like having my lungs ripped out when he turned around and used it against me. Not only could I not breathe, but there was that aching feeling you get in your chest when you?re really sick and you?ve been coughing for weeks and it hurts every time you try to breathe. {See? This is why I?m so screwed up. My parents plus that one relationship totally screwed me over. Wonderful.}
Where am I going with this? Somewhere, I?m sure. Hang on, I?ll figure it out in a minute. Or ten.
I?ve never been able to express myself well. Not verbally anyway. Another reason I write lol. If I can?t express myself well in the first place, it?s doubly hard to tell someone how I feel because of my fear of it getting turned around on me. Aha, I know where this is going. Kind of.
Summary so far: I don?t believe in love songs. My picture of a good relationship is a lesbian couple. My parents taught me to shut up about the way I feel. I can?t {don?t know how to} express myself. Sounds disjointed, I know. Hold on.
OK. I?ll try to put it all together. I love Josh. {Reason I know this is because I have never felt this way about anyone before. I have never been as happy with anyone as I am with him. All I want to do is make him happy. I don?t care if it doesn?t make sense.} And I want to tell him how I feel, I want him to know. {Since he reads my blog, he?s about to find out anyway.} But I don?t know how to explain the way I feel. I don?t know how to describe it. {Am I supposed to know?}
Plus I?m a bit ?suspicious? {or maybe ?wary? is what I?m looking for} of opening up again. I so don?t want to get hurt again. Yes, I know that Josh won?t hurt me. That?s what I?m told and I believe it. It?s one of those damned paradoxes, because at the same time I?m terrified that that?s what?s going to happen. I know better, but ....
I?m used to being alone. I have zillions of friends, but I?m used to being quiet and alone and not having anyone that I can really talk to, mostly because I?m crazy and it scares people when I really talk to them. {And I don?t want to do that with Josh. I don?t want him to think that I?m completely psycho. Twisted and screwed up I will admit to, but I?m not 100% insane.} I?m used to being sealed up tight and staying on the surface, without letting anyone ?in?.
So yeah. Summary: I?m a bit scared to open up. I?m sorry.
W*h*o*r*e
Topic: * \ relatiionshiips / *
Mood:
don't ask
Now Playing: Farther Away -- Evanescence
Oh how I love this song. Well I love Evanescence, they can do no wrong, especially Amy Lee but damn ... I love this song. It's my life. {Just like Everybody's Fool.}
What's with the title, you may be asking? Aside from it being one of my many nicknames and one of the things my dad calls me by frequently ... nothing really. I just made it look pretty. If I'm going to be known as one, I may as well make the best of it. {How am I a w*h*o*r*e if I'm a fricking virgin, I ask you morons?}
A thief, a whore, and a liar.*shrugs* Today is a lazy day. I'm gonna stay downstairs by the fire and read my books. Lemony Snicket!! Yay!! {*muah*} Plus I'm going to the library. It's kind of sad, I've read every interesting book at each of the three libraries near me. I have a craving for
Guitar Highway Rose, though.
This is part of the reason I write. Nobody writes what I want to read, so I write it for me to read lol. I'm in the process of writing a new story about a faerie and I have no idea what it's really about other than that. I don't even have a real title. {So far, it's just "Green".} It's not actually about a faerie, it's more about a changeling, but still. It's getting interesting.
OK, I put relationships up there for a reason. Why? Oh yes. Well, I know why, but there's the little problem of me not knowing exactly what I want to say. I want to say a ton of stuff, but I don't know how. I think this is going to have to wait till later.
{*muah* Josh I love you and I miss you and hopefully I'll see you tomorrow. *muah*}
Monday, December 27, 2004
Oh lord
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:
lazy
Now Playing: Breathe No More -- Evanescence
I'm sooo tired it's not funny. Why am I awake at 9.30 AM on a day with no school and no babysitting? Because I've gone from being able to sleep anywhere, anytime to not being able to sleep at all. Oy.
Plus I'm bored. @_@ I have five million things I have to do and I'm bored. Only me. What I really want to do is watch my Evanescence DVD. But Steven's home so I can't. Blast it. I love the Everybody's Fool video. It totally rocks. And the My Immortal video. Hell they all rock. The best part? I watch them and I'm just like, "That's me. That's my life. Exactly." Especially on the Everboy's Fool video, with the mirror and all.
*yawn* I should get dressed. Take a shower. But no. I'm lazy and I don't fleeping feel like it at the moment. {Despite the way I sound, I'm actually in a pretty good mood.} What I feel like doing is watching the DVD or reading some Austen.
Emma maybe, or
Sense and Sensibility. Those are good. Romantic comedy or dark comedy. I'm leaning toward the dark comedy.
I need to get out of this house. I'm suffocating. Or maybe I just need to get away from my parents. Damn the fighting. I wake up at 3 AM to the sounds of "F*** you, b****!" {Dad} "I hate you! Get the f*** out of my house!" {Mom} "It's my house, b****. You either cut this s*** out right now or YOU get out!" {Dad} *insert sound of slamming doors and Steven crying* I have a morbid curiousity to know what they were arguing about. At least nothing broke this time. Oh, I bet it was New Year's they were fighting about. My dad wants to go and my mom doesn't.
Eh. Oh well. I just wish they'd shut up so I could sleep lol. And he's not here today, so no fighting for a while. Yay! {How does Greg not wake up during this crap? His room is right across from theirs!}
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Forgot to post the lyrics
Topic: ..: muSic :..
Mood:
celebratory
Now Playing: T-Shirt -- Destiny's Child
[Spoken - Beyonce]
Hey Baby
I wish you could see what i have on right now
You so sexy
Imagine how intense it would be
To hold me right now
Our song's playing
[Beyonce]
At night, when you're far away and i'm alone
I feel the fabric from your t-shirt
Close to my body
I can still hear your baritone
In my ear telling me you'll take it slow
And i was in the mirror playing a roll
Like you work it, I couldn't turn me on
So i fell asleep with the music on
Woke up again hearing the same old song, playing
[Pre Chorus - Kelly]
(Oh) Give it to me deeper
(Oh) Giving me the fever
(Oh) Now you got my feet up
This one is a keeper
Now the second verse is playing
(Oh) We tried to stand up
(Oh) Hold me while my hands up
(Oh) And the music picks up
Fantasies were shook up
I'm thinking to myself again
[Chorus]
When you're not here (i sleep in your t-shirt)
I wish you were here (to take off your t-shirt)
After we make love (i sleep in your t-shirt)
Wake up in your t-shirt
still smell the scent of yout cologne
When i need your feel (i sleep in your t-shirt)
I need your help (to take off your t-shirt)
After we make love (i sleep in your t-shirt)
Wake up in your t-shirt
still smell the scent of your cologne
[Beyonce]
Outside i hear the rain on my windowpane
Hold up a minute, thought i heard your name
My mind, playing tricks on me again
I hear knocks at the door, is that baby home
Why couldn't it be a reality
Looked at the clock and it say 4:03
At nine, he'll be making love and hearing
the song again
[Pre-Chorus - Kelly]
[Chorus]
[Bridge - Michelle]
Oh boy I've been waiting
Now my body's shaking
You're so deep, baby please, take it easy
I look at your face and
Got my heart racing
You're so deep, baby please, take it easy
[Spoken - Beyonce]
Keep it right there
Oh, wait, wait, yeah
Keep it right there
You driving me crazy
[Chorus]
Xmas
Topic: { * holiidaiiz * }
Mood:
celebratory
Now Playing: Soldier -- Destiny's Child
I love this song. This and T-Shirt {lyrics posted at the end}. List of loot this year:
Destiny's Child -- Destiny Fulfilled
The Killers -- Hot Fuss
Evanescence -- Anywhere But Home
Airport -- chenille sweater {plus scarf}
DEB -- pinstripe fedora {woohoo}
Kohl's -- pinstripe suit jacket {woohoo}
Body Fantasies -- Shimmer Body Lotion {vanilla}
Various assorted candy and sweet stuff
And last but not least, Donald Duck. My Donald Duck is special. His butt jingles {lmfao}. There's probably other stuff I forgot too. I got my silver earrings. And I got to see *Josh* on Xmas Eve, aka Chrismukkah. {I said no laughing at me!!} Yep I had a good Xmas. Tomorrow I'm gonna watch the Evanescence DVD {LIVE IN PARIS!!!} while everyone else is at church. Funny....
I also discovered that the fedora and the jacket look really cool with my prom dress from last year. No one else agrees with me so far, but dammit I'm right. Next place I go that I have to get all dressed up, that's what I'm wearing. Though whatever-god-there-may-be knows when that'll be lol. Maybe I'll wear it the day I go back to CSM *grins*. Or some other day, I dunno. New Year's!! With pink hair!! DUDE!!
Oh dear god I've had too much sugar. I'm saying Dude now. Not just the normal Dude, either ... it's that DUUUUUUDE!!!! kind of Dude. The way I say it when I'm really really excited and everything I say ends up exploding out of me and I'm practically shaking from excitement and I ramble like I am now. No more Nilla Cokes for me. Or cookies, for that matter.
Whew. *takes a breath* I need to chill. But ... but ... the pink hair ... DUDE I need to go to Claire's like tomorrow or Tuesday. {Monday is in reserve as of today.} Oooh. Unless I'm in PA. If I'm in PA for New Year's then maybe the pink hair isn't the best idea. {Considering the people I know in Philly ... good god Kelly give up already. And Ashley, I don't care that you have no one to spend New Year's Eve with, I'm not inviting you here and I'm not going to your place. We Are Over.}
OK I'm gonna go chill. Pink hair ....
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Grr and darn it
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:
don't ask
Now Playing: Nuffin
Grr and darn it I hate Xmas shopping!! There is no place for me to hide in my house. I'm tired of my room. (Plus it's full of smoke.) I'm bored. I'm restless. Grr and darn it!
The OC is on tonight. Two-hour special. I so don't feel like going to Best Buy. *groans* Blah. I want to sleep until tomorrow. I want -- oh god here we go again. I want. I want. I'm so selfish. Grr.
May as well say it. I feel like cutting. No worries, I won't. But that's how I feel. I hate my parents. Well, I would, if I had the energy to. I hate it when I feel this way. Especially because everyone writes it off as "being a teenager." That's not it, people. Those of you who know me well know that I'm f*ing bipolar.
All I want to do is sleep. And sleep. And sleep some more. Unfortunately, I also want to do something, move around, be awake. I need something to do. Three or four months ago, when I felt like this, I'd cut. (This is December. I stopped again in October. Yeah, three months. Wow.)
Grr and darn it.
Still feel like sh*t
Topic: { * eVerythiNg * }
Mood:
blue
Now Playing: A lack Of Color -- Death Cab For Cutie
I still feel like sh*t -- but I'm OK with that. Death Cab is an ESSENTIAL part of Chrismukkah. (And why do some people spell Hanukkah "Chanukah"? There is no "CH" sound in Hanukkah, people!!) According to me, Coheed & Cambria are essential too. I just don't have any of the CDs yet.
I should get a yarmaclaus. (Yarmalke + Santa hat ... very interesting.) They're so great. (Monica wears a yarmalke on Hanukkah! LOL Tiff.)
OK. Enough Chrismukkah. On to Christmas Eve. Oh God, Christmas Eve. I have realized there is no way I can avoid Pennsylvania this year. It either invades my bed (damn my uncle) or I get sent there for three days. I don't know which is worse. I can handle Brittany for a day. I can handle Aunt Susan. I can handle all of them. But my uncle and his girlfriend ... well no, I like Pat, nvm. Just my uncle. And it's not even that I dislike my uncle. It's that the whole atmosphere in the house changes when my uncle and my dad are in the same area. I hate it. Everyone either gets really redneck or really ... opposite redneck, what I like to call Victorian-ish. Usually it's my mom's side that gets Victorian-ish and my dad's side that gets redneck. Although Aunt Susan has her moments lol.
Grr and darn it. Ocean Avenue won't play. Stupid AOL.
Anyway. This sucks. Xmas sucks. My f*ed-up family sucks. I hate my dad. I hate him with a passion! Well, not always ... sometimes there's just the vague feeling of utter loathing. But still. He's ruining my life. What am I talking about? He's ALWAYS ruined my life.
But being the secretive, quiet, sneaky b*tch I am, no one knows what I'm talking about. I've got a crazy idea to tell the whole thing and see how many people tell me how sorry they are to hear that. By the way, I'm not sneaky or secretive. Just a quiet b*tch. Story in a nutshell: Until we moved, when I was like twelve (I think I was twelve), we went to this Baptist church where absolutely every kid there my age hated me. I know why too. (I was the daughter of that creepy, religious old man. I was one of THEM. One of the kids who can recite whole books out of the Bible on command. THEM.) There were three of the girls who loved to tease me and make me cry, names Christy, Courtney and Rebecca. Laura too, but that wasn't till later. My mom didn't know about this till I was older, ten or so. She told my dad when she found out.
OK, this is longer than I thought. I'm almost done, no worries.
At that point, I didn't hate my dad. I just didn't like him at all. But my mom told me to ask daddy what to do. So I did, being the obediant child that I am. Do you know what he said to me? Of course not. No one else knows this story. He told me to pray about it. Read the Bible more. He spouted off Bible verses, told me to memorize them and quote them to the girls when they made me cry.
Bible verses. Pray.
Yep, any respect I had for him went straight down the toilet right about then. I started hating him. He didn't understand. Oh yes, connected to that story, there's one little thing. That Sunday night, after I went to bed, I started crying because of various things. My dad came in, flipped on the light and asked what was wrong. I was mad at him because of the Bible verses thing. I refused to talk to him. He asked again. I had had it. I screamed as loud I could --
"No one understands me and you don't listen to me!" He slapped me. For being disobediant and disrespectful.
He ruined my life. It was his fault that I never fit in. It's his fault that I'm so f*ed-up now. And now I'm going to shut up before I get any more pissed off and start screaming on here and telling more crap that no one wants to hear. (See? No one listens. I figured all that crap out when I was ten. The only thing everyone is interested in is themselves. They don't want to hear anyone else's problems. People like you if you stay quiet and listen to them. They won't like you if you talk to them. No one understands anyone else. And this, my friends, is the secret to life in my opinion.)
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
The mall and junk
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:
down
Now Playing: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh!
I get to babysit Brycson!! YAY!! I love that kid. And maybe, possibly, later in the day I'll go to the mall. (If I can get a ride....) I'm trying to take Natalie because it's her birthday and all.
HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY, NATALIE!!!
So yeah. And I feel lousy as hell. Oh well a shower and some food should fix that.
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way....
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Omg Omg
Topic: { * holiidaiiz * }
Mood:
lazy
Now Playing: Who's To Say -- Vanessa Carlton
It's 4 days till Xmas!! Woohoo!! Which means it's 3 days till Xmas Eve!!
Xmas Eve is when the present-opening starts. It lasts until Xmas night. Twenty-four hours of presents!! And then the shopping spree. Yay!!
There is one good thing about winter. We always have the fireplace going. So in the morning, when I feel lousy, I can curl up on the couch and read and be all toasty warm and relax.
That I like. All I need is some hot chocolate and I'm good. I even have my white chenille blanket :D. My book for today is either going to be
East of Eden or some Xmas-y book. The other great thing about the fireplace is that I don't have to blow-dry my hair. I can just let it dry in front of the fireplace. Woohoo! Plus, it feels nicer.
This is going to be my comfort spot this winter apparently. Not my bed, not the pillow in the corner of my room and not my tree. The fireplace. (What was my comfort spot the first year I lived here?) Mmmm. Now I need my hot chocolate. Today is going to be a good one. Hopefully.
Yesterday wasn't so bad after all. *Josh* came over and we had fun. (That woman should have had her head bitten off dammit. She was mean.) We watched a movie -- very long movie lol. (Natalie, you missed it. You would have laughed your azz off at me. I tried DDR. LMFAO is all I have to say about that. I suck.) Although my dad was all mad and acting sh*tty for no reason later. Stupid fights. Lol oh well. (Natalie, I gotta call you!!) *muah* I miss you Josh. Love you.
Monday, December 20, 2004
I'm Ruining People's Lives Again
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:
accident prone
Now Playing: Worst Day Ever -- Simple Plan
I'm ruining people's lives again. Today is not turning out well. I ruined lunch. My mom was making bread and I told Greg to take it out of the bread machine 17 minutes too early. Not on purpose, mom told me to call him on the cell phone and tell him to take it out. Well, she failed to mention to check the timer before I told Greg to take the bread out. Then I got blamed for it and was given the silent treatment for three hours after we got home. (On the way home, I got screamed at.)
I did something else too, but I forget what it is at the moment. Somehow I got blamed for the fire going out too, even though I wasn't home and there wasn't a blasted thing I could have done about it. I got yelled at for wearing a tank top. How stupid is that??
Oi. Plus my skin is driving me nuts. I hate having combination skin. Oily skin and dry skin is crazy! I have to moisturize half my face and dry out the other half. It's ridiculous. Why can't I be like 90% of the female teenage population and just have dry skin? Since it's winter, it's twice as bad. My cheeks and lips are chapped and everything else is blah. I hate skin.
Something good about today. *Josh* is coming over. Yay! I'm not crazy anymore. Which is good. Oh oh yeah. I know I'm getting The Killers CD for Xmas. And my pinstripe hat. And I have a sneaking suspicion that I have a pinstripe jacket and a silk cami to go with! What else do I know I have ... the Destiny's Child CD ... I think that's all. Xmas is five days away!! Ahh!!
*muah* I miss you Josh.
Sunday, December 19, 2004
chocolate and an apology
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:
a-ok
Now Playing: You should let me love you -- Mario
Chocolate makes everything better.
I'm sorry for being all crazy and psycho and crap earlier. (I'm just psycho I get a little bit outta control wit my rhymes -- shutting up.)
I'm gonna go eat my candy and chill .... I'm really not that psycho .... not always .... (see I told you I was crazy Josh!)
boston and philly
Topic: { me }
Mood:
blue
Now Playing: My happy ending -- avril Lavigne
Christmas depresses me. Christmas and New Year's and february. Even my birthday depresses me.
I decided to try getting boston out of my system. So I started writing about it and found that I can't finish it. (i have this little problem where I don't remember exactly what happened. It always seems different every time I think about it. Dunno why.) All my memories got jumbled up. I started writing about the Aquarium and realized that that trip wasn't the one with the apartment and sophia. Somehow I remembered going back to the apartment after the Aquarium and then my mom left but I KNOW that's not how it happened. Blast my over-active imagination. It starts making stories out of anything and everything, with or without my permission.
I don't get it. How do I know the way all of that really happened, and yet get confused and remember it a different way at the same time? How can I KNOW something and remember it different at the same time? This is ridiculous. (See? i told you I'm crazy!)
The first trip to Boston was fun. I was introduced to Caribbean music and the swan boats. There was the river with the docks and the bridge and I went shopping with Uncle Greg (who is awesome) and it was great. Then the Aquarium happened. My mom told me to carry the camera bag (which is black, old and HUGE) cause she was tired. so I traded steven's stroller for the bag and the bottom immediately dropped out and everything went flying. Everything crashed onto the tile floor and I thought I broke it all. So I started picking everything up. Then my dad stalked over (he didn't walk, he stalked) and started yelling at me. There was this huge crowd of people who had just stopped and were watching. I tried to say it wasn't my fault, because it wasn't, and he smacked me and told me to put it back in the bag. After that, he said I embarrassed him in front of the entire Aquarium and wouldn't speak to me the rest of the day (which was fine with me).
Plus, I had to sleep in the same room as him. I hated that too. After the Aquarium, i just hated being around him at all.
Somehow I thought that it was after the Aquarium that mom left and took me to the apartment and all. Dunno how that happened. After the aquarium we went to yankee Candle. Then we went home.
There is a lot of crap tied up with boston. Once i get it all sorted out, I can make a story about it and then we'll see about explaining what I just told you all today. It's very confusing and weird. Especially because the second time around, I almost always felt like I wasn't really there. But we'll see about telling that story.
Saturday, December 18, 2004
And things like chemistry
Topic: [ [ stuff ] ]
Mood:
a-ok
Now Playing: Chapped Lips and chapstick and things like chemistry -- Relient K
Actually I don't remember the real name of the song and that's the only part I remember but it's stuck in my head still so yeah.
I saw Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events yesterday!! Me *Josh* and Natalie went. ("Oh mu god!! The house fell off!!" "She's got some big-azz lips..." lmao.) It was great. They better make sequels. There's more to the story, people!
A strange thing has happened -- my mother let me ride in *Josh*'s car. She's extremely paranoid about teen drivers and crap. According to her, any teen in a car will have an accident ten minutes after her spotting them just because they're under 20. It's ridiculous. (Funny, but ridiculous.)
Stranger still --
Natalie's mom let her ride with us. Natalie's mom is worse than mine. (She won't let Natalie get her learner's until she's 17.) I swear she has split personalities. There's her nice, happy side, and then there's her mad, evil side. Kinda weird.
Not only did I go to the movies, I went Xmas shopping. (Wow...) God, I haven't a clue what to buy my brother. Or my dad. I could get my bro a DVD. But as for my dad ... I'm completely stumped. (I could buy him a wig... lmao, the mohawk!) Oh well.
I am determined to dye my hair back to normal, get it trimmed, and dye the ends bright red. No one and nothing is stopping me this time. Mwhahaha! Don't ask.
Oh great. I hear yelling and arguing and screaming. And I think that was the sound of a china plate hitting the wall. Yep I'm gonna go hide now...
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Aduh and cookies
Topic: [ [ stuff ] ]
Mood:
chillin'
Now Playing: Angel's Punishment -- Lacuna Coil
Aduh. That and ba. And tukah. What are they?
The language of Brycson. He's soooo cute. I "talked to him on the phone:
Me: Hi, Brycson!
Him: *silence* ... BA!!!
Me: *laugh* Where's Tata?
Him: *extremely loud* ADUH!!
Lmao. Adorable. He says "outside" too, something like "uhti!", complete with pointing at a window or door. I walked in the door the other day to get my laundry and he sees me and gets this huuuuge smile on his face and started running over to me. (I can walk into the room and he'll start laughing. I didn't know I was THAT funny-looking! Lol.) Yeah I like this kid.
I made cookies. No, I baked cookies. And made six bowls of frosting. That's sad. I can't cook! But no, my mother says to make two dozen cookies. OK, I make the cookies. Then I make three kinds of frosting (because that's the best part), and six colors. Plus sprinkles. It was BIG. The whole table was completely covered in baking crap. (Including a mixer that broke.) So yeah. I've had like three cookies and they actually taste good! Yay for me lol.
The OC is on tonight!! And I have the house to myself. Everyone else is going to Court of Honor. (Not me. I went once and hated it.) I should hook up the surround sound ... oooh ... *mischievious grin*. Popcorn and chips and cookies and chocolate and the OC and surround sound and a couch ... perfect. I'm lovin' it. (OMG, I'm a Mickey D's commercial ... HELP!)
I'm confuuuuuuuuuuused!!!!
Topic: [ [ stuff ] ]
Now Playing: Nothing -- No One
I'm confuuuuuuuused. I don't get it. Is it just my life? Is it just me that gets all the drama? I don't like being a drama queen!
OK. So the people who are dissing me are taking my side against other people who are dissing me? Huh? I don't get it. (They really must be dissing me cause they know it makes me mad then....) Would everyone please shush and make sense? I'm not bright! We all know this! Either diss me or don't! You can't do both! This isn't fair.
I don't get it. You diss me to my face and then turn around and defend me behind my back ... there's something muddled about that! If you're taking my side anyway, why are you dissing me to my face?!
(It's OK to be nice to my boyfriends. You needn't treat them like s*** or tease them. It's OK to say that you like them -- you don't have to turn around and say that "he's not a total loser" later, when he's around. OK Natalie? I'm gonna have to call you about this.)
OK. I'm just going to call people because I don't want to do this on my blog. There is TOO MUCH drama. I hate drama. I hate being a drama queen. Makes me look and act like a cheerleader. *shudders*
*muah* I miss you *Josh*.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
*insert generic title here*
Topic: { * eVerythiNg * }
Mood:
irritated
Now Playing: Papa -- Vanessa Carlton
Heather chill. You have some serious issues. You need to back the f*** off me. Find someone else to harass. It's getting old fast.
I'm serious, people. Not just Heather. The ones I'm talking to know who they are. You all need to back the f*** off before I get pissed off. There IS a limit to the amount of crap I'll take. That limit is getting severely pushed as I type. Stop getting all up in my business. Stop messing with me. Stop picking at me for whatever. OK?
I don't really care whether you like who I'm dating or not. What ticks me off is the way EVERYONE disses me behind my back and to my face about it. Get a f***ing life, people. I know a lot of you are jealous. Get over it. It's YOUR fault if you can't get someone of your own. Stop trying to f***ing keep me single and unhappy. Stop it.
I don't understand WHY you people insist on trying to ruin my life when I'm so f***ing happy!! What is so wrong with me having a boyfriend and being happpy?! Why can't you just be f***ing happy for me?
I feel bad for the next person who calls me. (Not bad enough that I won't f***ing break a window screaming at them, though.)
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
AAAHHH
Topic: [ [ stuff ] ]
Mood:
bright
Now Playing: Private Radio -- Vanessa Carlton
Yeah I got my CDs back. Thank you Gray!!! You're awesome. I can live now that I have my life's soundtrack playing. (There is a song for absolutely everything I do, no lie.)
So. I was supposed to go have dinner with Josh and his mom tonight. Turns out his mom had to work, so we'll probably end up watching a movie or something.
The Lemony Snicket movie comes out on FRIDAY!! (Lol -- slippery slope!) Josh and I are going. (Natalie, do you or do you not want to see it? I can't remember....) Yay!! I loooooove the Lemony Snicket books. Violet is my favorite. Sunny comes in a close second, though. (Jim Carrey rocks! LOL) Fun fun. Of course, I didn't read the books in order. But that's OK.
I'm still getting weird phone calls on my cell. And now I'm getting hate e-mail. (Well, I was already getting hate e-mail from MoveOn and Oasis but they don't count.) See, everyone just luvs me! *rolls eyes* NO MORE HATE E-MAIL!
Hmm. I know there was more I was going to say. Of course I can't remember now. Crap. It'll come to me at 3 AM. Till then, peace.
Sunday, December 12, 2004
The rest of the story
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Now Playing: Christmas-y music
The tree fell on me.
It was acutally quite funny. I was standing there with three ornaments in my hands and I was looking at the tree, and I thought, "Hmm it looks like it's moving." Then BOOM! It fell and landed on me. My mom goes, "Great catch, Ducki!" I was like, "Uhhh... yeah. Get it off me." Lol.
So that was the "good" part of the day. (Oh btw Josh, I can go. I think. Long story.) Bad part of the day: Apparently the psycho is stalking Josh. (Natalie ... if I find out you had something to do with this ... *glares*.) Josh was in the mall, in the food court, and apparently the psycho was there and was staring at Josh. (Sears uniform, brown hair ... yep that's him.) What I want to know is whether the psycho knows who Josh is, or was just doing his creepy stare for no reason.
More bad part of the day: Everyone in my house is touchy and tense and grouchy today. Therefore, it's hard to keep my temper in check. (Run, run far away.) The lack of music doesn't help any. Nor does the constant yelling and glaring among family members. (God ... talk about looks that can kill ...)
Remembering that I can take a shower and wash my hair tomorrow is getting me through. That and remembering that Gray will bring me my music back. Hopefully. (That sounds weird.)
Off to check my email.
Christmas trees
Topic: { * holiidaiiz * }
Mood:
lazy
Now Playing: That song about when a ho was a ho and a screw was a screw and coke was a coke
We have to butcher a tree today. Kill a poor, innocent evergreen to make our house smell nice and look pretty.
Sounds like great fun to me. I love cutting down the Christmas tree. I love putting all the ornaments on it. And if I have my way, I'll do it while singing along to Alicia Keys' Christmas album. Or Adam Sandler... I love his Thanksgiving song and his Christmas song. (I only get to hear those on the radio though.)
Unfortunately, I have no CDs to listen to in the car. Well no, I have three CDs, and none of them work in my CD player (I don't know why), and that amounts to the same thing. So. I'm still music-less. Curse my blonde-ness! I even went back into Amber's room right before I left and still didn't see the CD case! There is a downside to being blonde....
Oh well. I can live till tomorrow.
Saturday, December 11, 2004
I think it's my house
Topic: [ [ stuff ] ]
Mood:
irritated
Now Playing: Absolutely NOTHING and therein lies the problem
I left my entire CD collection at Amber's house last night.
Anyone have a clue as to how ticked I am? I can't live without my Lacuna Coil yo!! It doesn't work that way!! I NEED my Harmonium!! My Avril! I can't survive without my Amy Lee ... I love Amy Lee ... and my Seether ... *cries*
Plus I'm tired. (I don't care if I was the first one to pass out, I'm tired darn it!!) Oh god, no one could shut me up last night. I started laughing at Tinkerbelle and Shannon and Purple and I could not stop. Tinkerbelle started it all. I tried, I really did. (Sparkle didn't help any!!!!) I couldn't shut up. It was baaad.
The best part of the night? That's tough. It was all great. (Tinkerbelle!! DON'T TOUCH! Lmao.) And Purple was awesome! You look fahhhhbulous, dahhhhling! (We gave him a makeover and turned him into a queen. He actually didn't look half bad!)
Turns out, Purple (aka Gray -- what's with the colors, dude?) goes to CSM. He takes English 1010 in the ST building, noon to 1.25. So yeah I'm gonna have to stalk him on Monday *evil grin*.
And I need to get my CDs back. Fast. Sh*t. It's already driving me nuts. There's nothing on the radio. Radio = crap.
I'm tiiiiiiiired. I need to study. I hate English.
Oh by the way, I don't appreciate being dissed like that. Yes, it was dissing me. I am freaking sick of everyone picking on me because I have a boyfriend. (Some people are jealous, I know.) Damn it just leave me alone. Especially to my face like that (*cough*JillianandCourtney*cough*), major major NOT COOL. F*** you. What is it with everyone?? You ALL do this with EVERY person I go out with. F*** OFF.
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