Friday, December 10, 2004
FREAKING POS OF A BLOG
Topic: [ [ stuff ] ]
Mood:
don't ask
Now Playing: There Goes My Life -- Kenny Chesney
I hate Angelfire. It won't do what I want it to!!! Stupid colors!!! I want green and red and brown and purple. (It looks cool, no matter how bad it sounds.) And nooooo, it either makes me have a freaking bamboo border on my side panels or it makes the background white instead of green.
Bah. Bah HUMbug, I say!!
Rain Sucks
Topic: [ [ stuff ] ]
Mood:
energetic
Now Playing: Half a Week Before the Winter -- Vanessa Carlton
Rain sucks. Yes, I'm working on my blog again, new links etc. I'm gonna change the colors too eventually.
Out of curiousity, how many people have my cell phone number?
Out of those people, who's giving it out to weird people I don't know??
Just wondering :) (I'm gonna kill you....)
Anyway. I spent an hour making a white rat out of clay. Very fun. At first it looked like a reindeer crossed with a rabbit (very odd). Kinda funny. But it looks cool now. I'm gonna try a rose next. And put a teensy little clay faerie inside. The rose is gonna be black and the faerie will be all dressed in crimson. She's gonna have blue eyes and I dunno what color hair yet. Green maybe. Or red. Or black. Or blue. I dunno. I think I'll name her Nicnevin, after the Unseelie Queen. (Read
Tithe by Holly Black.) Or I could name her Lutie Loo. Siliarial. Nah, I like Nicnevin. The "evil" queen. I think Silarial was the evil one, despite the fact she ruled the Seelie Court. It's all a matter of opinion.
Arwen, lol. I never liked Arwen that much. She was too good. I liked Galadriel better. At least she was tempted. But no, Arwen is pure goodness. Drives me nuts. Ooh, I could name my faerie Catherine. After Cathy in
East of Eden (John Steinbeck). Maybe. Catherine Nicnevin. There we go. Catherine Nicnevin she is.
People say they can see faeries and ghosts and crap. I wonder if it's true. (I know faeries exist dammit. I refuse to be talked out of it.) I heard that if you take a picture and you see these little white or green sparkly-flashy things after it's developed, you have a picture of a spirit. Sometimes you can see them out of the corner of your eye. (God knows I see enough "imaginary" crap lol.) You know what would be cool? Seeing a pixie. Those things are awesome.
OK enough chatter about faeries and crap. I'm hungry. Off to find food!
Thursday, December 9, 2004
Random Crap
Topic: [ [ stuff ] ]
Mood:
bright
Now Playing: My Boo -- Alicia Keys and Nelly (I think, I could be wrong)
OK. Life isn't a disaster. I fixed my face, I revived my hair, and I did all my laundry. So. Life isn't a disaster.
God I'm tired. OMG the O.C. is on tonight!!! No one call me until 9 pm. I won't answer the phone. (I love Marissa ... I love Seth ... I love Ryan ... hell I love Summer too ... :D) And after the O.C., if no one calls me, I'll most likely go to sleep cause ... nvm I'm not revealing why.
I miss you *Josh*! :( *muah* But I'll see you tomorrow so I'm not going to die lol. (Shut up Kelly. I repeat, No!!)
Oh God my family has chosen Saturday to get our tree. We cut ours down instead of buying pre-cut or having a fake tree (fake trees are just so ... frickin' FAKE! lol), so this means traipsing out to some tree farm and cutting down a tree in freezing cold, rainy weather. (My mother is extremely picky about the tree. Like, we can spend hours waiting for her to decide between a spruce and a fir. It's ridiculous.) Yippee. (Note to self: Bring CD player and CDs. And mud-proof, water-proof shoes. And old clothes.)
And now Friends is on and I'm missing it. (I love Friends!!!) Peace maf***as!!! (You know it ain't true ... lmao Jeannie.)
Wednesday, December 8, 2004
Xmas
Topic: { * holiidaiiz * }
Mood:
lyrical
Now Playing: Santa Baby -- Macy Gray
This is the only version of the song I like. Kinda sad, isnt it?
There's an Xmas party on Friday. Woohoo! OMG the Billboard awards are tonight :D Evanescence is performing!! *dies of a heart attack at the thought of AMY LEE LIVE* And Maroon 5, and Usher I think, yes yes yes I love award stuff. Gwen Stefani, is she on too? I love her too. GWEN ROCKS YO!
Annie
Her little arms around my neck / And a dying girl whispers in my ear / Tell me now can you feel it
I've been keeping company with ghosts / She comes to me like a piece of summer / She comes to me on the days when I need it most ....I love this song.
I'd give my bones for you to get a few more years / For you and I, oh Annie / More to life than trying to survive, oh Annie ....So sad but so pretty, like Private Radio. I dunno, I like the sad but pretty music. (Hence my buying the Brad Paisley CD for Whiskey Lullaby.) Nymphetamine is a good song. Join Me is a good song. All of Harmonium is good. Comalies and Angel's Punishment are good, by Lacuna Coil. Broken is good. My Immortal, Hello, they're good. Driven Under is good. All sad but pretty.
"Pretty girls in dresses always look sad." True?
Tuesday, December 7, 2004
short and sweet
Mood:
don't ask
Now Playing: san francisco -- vanessa carlton
why am i typing all lower-case? because i want to. this is how i normally write anyway.
josh, i miss you *muah*
ice, i need to see you about that something we talked about, remember? that thing that needed fixing? please? i swear i can pay you back in a few weeks. call me.
ummm what else ... i'm so tired it's not funny. maybe i should just go back to sleep. after i check my e-mail and s***.
oh yes, my news: i may be moving out soon. my parents hate me and i hate them. so they may be kicking me out. i haven't figured it out yet. i'll let you know when i have it straight. (anyone got a couch/bed/floor/whatever i can borrow until i find someplace to stay?)
Monday, December 6, 2004
All Right Blast It
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:
happy
Now Playing: That Kinda Girl -- Shaggy
Shush I like the song. I like Shaggy and ain't nuttin wrong wit dat. Lmao.
Blasted AOL. Blast my language. Blast it all! Lol. (Can't see my blog again.)
OMG guess who called in the middle of English class?! Yes, you guessed right! The obsessed, crazy, stalker x-boyfriend! Convo went something like this:
Him: "Where are you? I've been calling your house and getting no answer! What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm in English. What do you want?" (I should have hung up then. Or not answered it in the first place.)
Him: "When is your class over?"
Me: (Thinking, why does he want to know?) "Like one-thirty."
Him: "What building are you in?"
Me: "Why do you want to know?"
Him: "Just tell me damn it!"
Me: "No." (Thinking, wtf??)
Him: "B*tch, tell me where the f*** your building is!"
Me: "No."
Him: "Are you with what's-his-name?"
Me: "Who would that be?"
Him: "Your b*tch azz better tell me what I want to know! I'll come down there and smack the s*** out of you. What building are you in?"
I hung up. Creepy. I know he was on his cell phone, which he only uses when he's in a car. I have no clue where he was. So yeah I went back into class and all. I haven't seen him which is good. He hasn't called again. Also good. Maybe he's just messing with me for whatever reason. I mean, he wouldn't actually hurt me. Not on purpose, not for no reason. I know that.
Woohoo Cristmas party on Friday night! (Amber, you rock! Gotta call you. Much to talk about. You won't believe!) Should be interesting. Yep yep.
I hate Mrs Smith. I hate math. I have math final on Wednesday. English final on Monday. English paper due on Wednesday. (OH S***!!!) Grrr. I got a C on my argument essay. Oh well, I don't really care. I hate nonfiction. Drives me nuts. It's so fricking boring! Lol.
Josh I miss you! *muah* Peace y'all (oh my god I'm so Gretchen Wilson ...)!
Sunday, December 5, 2004
Oh. My. God.
Topic: * my man *
Mood:
incredulous
Now Playing: Alan Jackson -- 5.00 Somewhere
What? What? What? Me? What? Are you sure? Me? What? Whoa. Brain overload.
What?
I'm not weirded out or anything. I'm extremely surprised. I'm confused (lol shush Nat). I'm just like .... What?
And none of you have any idea what I'm talking about. (TBH, I'm not sure I know what I'm talking about.) Hmm. I could tell you here. Or I could make you go to *Josh*'s blog.
Oh wow. Yeah I'm gonna make you all go to
Josh's blog.
Me? What? Me? Are you sure? Wow .... I mean .... Wow .... Give me a lil bit to get used to this .... *muah* Josh I miss you ....
insert generic title here
Mood:
caffeinated
I dunno what song that is or who it's by but I like it lol.
First time I've been home since yesterday. I spent the night at my best straight-who's-a-lesbian friend's house. I want a daybed!! Those are awesome!! OMG I watched a Dolly Parton movie. It's not fair. She's "exceptionally blessed in the chest" (lmmfao) and it's not fair. (Oh my god, the sparkly dress was bad....) Why was I watching a Dolly Parton movie, you may be wondering? I was watching it because a) I know nothing about her, b) it was a Christmas movie, and c) I was too tired to really care what I was watching. Although I sympathize with that 13 year old girl in the movie. (I want her jacket....) And I may spend the evening in Alexandria, depending on how lazy I feel. I'm gonna need a new pair of shoes yo.... Lmao.
(OMG Nat lmao ... Oscar was hysterical ... when he leaned over ... lmmfao!!!!!! "Expressly to be a pain in YOUR @$$!" But his jacket was cool too....)
Grrr I need some chocolate. I'm on my third soda today (Pepsi) and I need some real sugar. Yeah that sounds bad .... Anyway.
Guess who came over to my house yesterday! Yeah, *Josh* came over (after he got unlost lol). I keep telling him that my dad doesn't hate him, because he really doesn't. My dad likes *Josh* -- which is kind of disturbing lol. (He didn't like Daniel, he didn't like Mark, he didn't like Larry, he didn't like Tory, he didn't like Bryan, he didn't like the psycho....) But that's good. (Lmao, the ladder ... it's gonna fall!!") I miss you *Josh*! *muah*
And now I'm off in search of chocolate and sour cream and onion chips. I am so fricking A.D.D.....
Friday, December 3, 2004
Babysittin and directions
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:
rushed
Now Playing: Nothing
I get to babysit Brycson!! Yay! He is the most adorable kid I've ever seen. (He's my best straight-who's-a-lesbian friend's sister's baby.) *grins* I love that kid. I can walk into the room, and he starts laughing or smiling or babbling away in babytalk. It's so cute.
God, I need to learn the names of streets dammit. I could give you incredible examples of how dumb I am about street names, but I won't because if anyone finds out, I'll never ever live it down. (It involves Crain Highway....)
So yeah. Oh how I hate the orthodontist. The orthodontist and leaves are the top two on my hit list. Tomorrow, leaves will be no. 1. (I hate raking.) I went to the orthod. earlier. My teeth aren't too sore. No new power chains thank whatever gods there may be. Kept my colors, pink and black. (I'm kinda starting to like the combo... I might buy an article of clothing that's pink... I can't believe I'm considering it, how girly....)
And now I have to find a way to amuse myself for the next hour or so before I leave to babysit.
Thursday, December 2, 2004
Harassment
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:
accident prone
Now Playing: Something off of Disclaimer II
He's stalking me dammit. I saw him in the mall. Well no, actually he saw me. He was watching me. In the food court. Scary.
"I gave my life away. There's nothing left to say."
He's stalking me. He called my house at 6.30 this morning and talked to my MOTHER. Why can't he leave me alone?! Is he that jealous? (I was talking about the guys behind the register and he was standing behind me, staring at me.)
"And I don't feel right when you're gone away."
Why is he following me and watching me? It's not funny. It's not cool. I dun like it, it's scary yo. I almost cried. Why won't he go?
He scares me. He looked at me in the mall, and I thought he was gonna hit me. His hands were all clenched into fists and he looked so mad.... I saw him glaring at the guy behind the register at Chick-Fil-A (the one I had been talking to) like he wanted to kill him.
I wanna hide lol.
Wednesday, December 1, 2004
GRRRRRR
Mood:
don't ask
Now Playing: Losing Grip -- Avril Lavigne
All right damn it, this calls for a rant.
It's not fair. Guess who calls me today and cusses me out for leaving him? For f***ing LYING to him? For being the selfish b***h I always told him I was? He tried to make me feel GUILTY FOR GOING OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE. That is NOT f***ing cool. He tried to say that it was wrong for me to leave him.
He cussed ME out for not being happy with him anymore.
I swear. OK, first off, the s*** I told him when we were dating, I meant then. How was I supposed to know that any of this would happen? How is any of that a f***ing lie? How is my telling him that I was,
was happy with him a lie? I WAS happy. S*** changed. S*** happens.
How did
I lie?
And he was angry with me because I wasn't in tears over the fact that I wasn't dating him anymore. GRRRRRRRR. I told him I was over it. I told him I did have a little bit when I cried about it. But damn it, I got over it. (It helped that there was someone there for me when it was over. *muah* I miss you.) He's still upset with ME. Where does he get off calling me up and telling me
I'M the f***ing villain?!
I do not need this right now. I was so f***ing pissed. I screamed till I was hoarse. If he dares to call me again (or come to my house and cuss me out in person) I will f***ing kill him. Where does he get off?! He doesn't own me!
Needless to say, this has really made me upset. I can't believe this. This is ridiculous. He needs to get the f*** over me already. I moved on. Why can't he let me go, damnit?
Oh yes, other side items: I'm going to church tonight for the first time in years. My mom knows about me and Josh. The rest of the family knows about me and the psycho *coughJoecough* (I don't want to say his name). My paper went off pretty well. Oh oh Josh got me this absolutely beautiful butterfly necklace!! It's really big, on this silver chain and the wings move and it's awesome!
So yeah ... I can't really think of anything else ... I'm still mad ...
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Blasted Punk Rock
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:
rushed
Now Playing: 1985 -- Bowling for Soup
Grrr. I had to pick something with music, didn't I? Stupid me. I have tons of stuff to go through and not enough time to write it all down. I'm stuck in the 80's. (Haha, shut up.)
Hmph. This is stupid. I should probably take another break, but then I'll panic and become totally uncontrollable. Blast Mrs. Smith! And blast it all, I have yet to even look at any of my other h/w or junk that I have to do around the house (clean my room, vacuum, etc.). *puts hands over my face* OK. I'ts 5.00 now. I have till 7.00 tomorrow morning to get this done. That gives me something like 14 hours to do this. Minus sleep. *takes deep breath* Haha, I can do this!
Oi. Oi vay. Jidho, when you talk to me again, yell at me for not starting this earlier. (At least I took a shower, lmao Natalie.) Alright, off to research some more. I need some Black Flag stuff lol.
Monday, November 29, 2004
All About Ambiance
Topic: .: story _ tiime :.
Mood:
not sure
Now Playing: Nothing
OK, I'm gonna post a story of mine on here (it's not the one inspired by Vanessa Carlton, but I think it's decent). Do me a favor and tell me what you think.
am?bi-ance (am?be-ens) n. 1, mood; atmosphere. 2,
environment. Also, am?bi-ence.
Ambiance Jane was no one special. She was the girl standing against the wall, backpack on the floor beside her while she waited for the classroom door to open. She was the girl no one looked twice at. She was the wallpaper on the bricks. Ambiance didn?t talk to any of us so-called normal kids. We carried on with our little teenage dramas and tragedies (?Oh my god! Jeff cheated on Trish? Does she know? Oh my god!?).
Her family was crazy. No one knew that by looking at her -- she was always well-dressed and never showed signs of stress. Her father was a religious nut and her mom just wanted to do everything the right way. They fought on a nightly basis (?Why can?t you ever have dinner on the table by the time I get home??
?You?re always late!? ?This house is a wreck. Can?t you do a bit of cleaning now and then, Ms. Lazyass??). Ambiance and her two brothers used to hide in the closet under the stairs when the yelling started.
Ambiance and her family showed up in Frodlaw Township in eighth grade. She was always alone that year. None of us looked at her, or said anything to her other than the occasional ?Hi.? Her tiny frame was always near the wall, even sitting in class.
She took seats near the door, near the wall, trying to be invisible. It pretty much worked. That year, we couldn?t even have told you what color her hair was. We never noticed.
It was ninth grade when things started to change. We saw Ambiance Jane show up at the front doors of Yekcal High with James Macarello, one of the gothic guys. To our surprise, Ambiance was wearing a long trench coat and had dyed her hair blue. She still looked tiny next to James, who was something like
6?2?. Small, pale and barely visible.
After that, we kept our eye on Ambiance. She went from boy to boy, every few weeks or so. The rumor spread that she was turning into the freshman slut. If she heard the rumor, she didn?t show it. Ambiance never showed much emotion. She continued guy-hopping.
In January, Ambiance Jane was absent for a week. Hillary Price, whose mother was on the PTA, said that Ambiance was in the hospital. Suicide attempt, overdose on drugs. She almost didn?t make it to the ER We snickered and went on with our lives (?Oh my
god! Trish is going out with Peter!? ?Wasn?t Peter her best friend?s ex?? ?Yeah!? ?Oh my god!?). Ambiance left our minds.
She came back the first week of February, pale as always. She said nothing about her absence. No one asked her.
In April, someone found her in the girls? bathroom with a razor, holding her arm. It was streaming with blood (?Ambiance! What happened? Are you OK??). She was sent to the nurse. Some of us kept snickering. Some of us felt a little bit bad for Ambiance
Jane.
Then it was summer and we all went our separate ways. In September, there was nothing remarkable about Ambiance. We had gotten used to her changing boyfriends every few weeks. She faded into the background again. She was invisible -- exactly what she was fighting against becoming.
By November of sophomore year at Yekcal High, we had noticed Ambiance Jane again. Bruises were showing up on her face, her arms, her sides. She was seen under the bleachers, just crying, crying, crying. They tried to get a counselor to talk to her. She just sat there, not saying a word. They gave up eventually. Ambiance remained silent. We noticed that she had the same boyfriend from September.
One of us put it together: someone was abusing Ambiance. Some thought it was the boyfriend. Some said it was her father. Others said it was her mom. By December, she had a new bruise every two or three days. They tried to arrange for a parent-teacher conference, but Hillary said neither parent answered the note or showed up.
New Year?s rolled around. Ambiance was absent again. Her parents were temporarily split up. Her mom took Ambiance and her brothers to Boston, to her grandmother?s apartment. Her grandmother didn?t want to deal with all four of them (?Judith! You are a grown woman! Take care of your marriage and kids!?), so her mom left Ambiance Jane there and disappeared with her two brothers.
Ambiance took to wandering the apartment building hallways and corridors. She made some friends, all male. They were nice to her, let her hang out with them and stuff. Then Ben invited her into his apartment. It was empty. He locked the door and told her exactly what he wanted. She went out the window and stayed the night somewhere else.
After that, it was Jack. Then Mark. Then Bryan. Ambiance Jane stopped hanging out with them. She started cutting again. She spent long hours in her tiny room, listening to Nickelback and wishing there was an escape. She started choking herself and eating less.
Her mom came back. Ambiance was in the shower, rinsing her hair. She heard her mother?s voice (?Where?s Ambiance? Where is she??) and passed out. The water poured into her nose and mouth. Her mom opened the door and found her (?What kind of care have you been giving my daughter?! What?s wrong with her?!?). Ambiance Jane?s arms were crisscrossed with scars and scabs. Her neck was bruised and sore. She was sent home and shipped to therapy.
We didn?t know any of this until later. We didn?t care enough to ask. Ambiance was just wallpaper, after all.
Ambiance was gone in our junior year. We heard she went off to the community college. Hillary says she?s mentally messed up and that she?s really in some retard hospital somewhere.
Ambiance, wherever, whoever you are, someone noticed.
I know it needs work, definitely needs work, but what do you think?
It's November 29
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:
down
Now Playing: C'est la vie -- Vanessa Carlton
It's November 29. For those of you who know what that means, you know why I'm down. Yes, the magic number 18. Minus me.
That's OK with me ... and I understand and all ... but it kinda hurts, you know? I've been kicked out of it all. Like I said, I understand and all ...
But off of that depressing subject. No one wants to hear my grief. I went to the library -- got two new books (I know! Books I haven't read! Omg!) and two old faves.
The Gospel According to Larry, by Janet Tashijian, is awesome. And anything by Carol Plum-Ucci is great.
The She, What Happened to Lani Garver, The Body of Christopher Creed, all classics according to me. All depressing as hell though. At least I didn't get
Hard Love this time. I almost did.
The new ones,
I am Morgan le Fay, by Nancy Springer, and
Big City Cool, a short story collection. I haven't started them yet.
This new album is inspiring me to write. I have a brilliant idea based off of two of her songs combined. I really need to find someplace to send my stuff. I could be rich if people would just publish what I write. But nooo, all they want is mainstream or poetry. OK, I can do poetry, but it's not my thing. Short story, fiction, some slice-of-life occasionally, lots of crazy people stories. I do stuff that you don't see every day.
Apparently there isn't a friggin' place anywhere that I belong. Not Boston. Not Philly. Not Charleston. Not D.C. Not Richmond. Nowhere. I fit in just fine, but I don't belong. I'm an alien (lol Natalie), one of the people everyone looks at and thinks "freak," one of THEM.
White Houses. I love this song. It hurts to listen to it, though. Kinda comes a bit too close to home.
Maybe I'm a little bit over my head
I come undone at the things he said
And he's so funny in his bright red shirt
We were all in love and we all got hurt
I sneak into his car's cracked leather seat
The smell of gasoline in the summer heat
Boy, we're going way too fast
It's all too sweet to last
It's alright
And I put myself in his hands
But I hold on to your secrets in white houses
Love, or something ignites in my veins
And I pray it never fades in white houses Except it wasn't summer. And it wasn't who you think it was, because I didn't know. I don't care if I'm talking in riddles. If no one gets it, that's fine. I don't care.
My first time, hard to explain
Rush of blood, oh, and a little bit of pain
On a cloudy day, it's more common than you think
He's my first mistake
Maybe you were all faster than me
We gave each other up so easily
These silly little wounds will never mend
I feel so far from where I've been
So I go, and I will not be back here again
I'm gone as the day is fading on white houses
I lie, wrote my injuries all in the dust
In my heart is the five of us
In white houses There is way too much in this song. Eh, everything fades. Even vampires grow tired.
Sunday, November 28, 2004
Construction
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:
energetic
Now Playing: Get Low -- Lil' Jon and the Eastside Boyz
Sorry, my blog is a bit hard to read, I'm working on my friggin' background to make it do what I want =). Stay with me.
Saturday, November 27, 2004
When You Cried, I'd Wipe Away All Of Your Tears...
Topic: * my man *
Mood:
happy
Now Playing: My Immortal -- Evanescence
When you screamed, I'd fight away all of your fears ... and I held your hand through all of these years, and you'd still have all of me ...I love Evanescence. True, they made me cry last night, but they're still awesome.
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there's just too much that time cannot erase ...Well, it's time for my grand announcement. Drumroll, please! *drumroll heard*
I broke up with Joe.
*dun dun dun* I was on the phone with him till 12.30 last night. Cried till 2.00. Fell asleep at about 2.01. Woke up at 7.00, cried some more, fell asleep, woke up, started to eat breakfast, cried again, had to leave table, etc. By 1.00 this afternoon, I had quit crying and had started to get over it.
Went to see National Treasure, found out it was sold out, saw Polar Express instead -- with *Josh* =). I was sooo happy. Even when I spilled the nacho cheese (lmao!!! I am such a klutz...).
My life isn't such a complete disaster. Now all I have to do is not fail my English class. Which means I should be writing my research paper. But I really don't want to. I'll do it tomorrow.
Josh -- *muahs*! I miss you lol.
Friday, November 26, 2004
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Mood:
don't ask
Now Playing: Woke Up This Morning -- Nickelback
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
That was the sound of me screaming my frustration at Joe. This is one of those days when I freaking hate him.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
I want to cut. I want to hurt someone. I want to not hurt like this. I want to be able to say "It's over. Get your stuff out of my house."
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Who saw that episode of the O.C. where Marissa's mom was trying to talk to her and Marissa started screaming and threw the lawn chair into the pool? Yeah. That's how I feel.
I hate feeling like this. I hate it. I hate it. I want to kill someone and at the same time I want to burst into tears and lock myself in my room so I can cry. I don't care if I AM being a drama queen.
Why would he call me while I'm asleep and tell my brother to call me back and then not answer his phone for two hours? Why would he say what he said to me when I didn't do anything? Why would he hurt me like that? What did I do?
I want to kill him for making me feel like this. Like it's my fault. I can't do anything right. I only make people hurt and angry. I'm just a problem for everyone. I know that. But why does he have to say it?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
I hate him. It's like he slapped me and I can still feel the sting. It hurts. I hurt. I have feelings too. You hurt me, Joe. I hate you.
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Thanksgiving
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:
amorous
Now Playing: Spiderman on TV
I was sooooooo lonely for half of this holiday. I was confused and upset for a quarter of the holiday. And then I was pretty happy and content for the other quarter.
Guess why I was lonely and confused and upset? Yes, I started thinking again. See, only problems arise when I do this. I started missing guess who.
Joe was with me all day. And around the middle of the day I started to yes, think about guess who. (Actually, it was more than one person, but I'm not going to go all lesbian on here right now.) So then I got confused and upset.
(I plan on attempting to stay calm and not swear on this entry.) So. I started to think about Josh. Started to really miss Josh. While I'm sitting on Joe's lap. Now that, my friends, is a strange thing to happen. I was sitting there, thinking to myself, "This would be the easiest thing to fix if you weren't such a coward. What's the worst that'll happen?" (Warning: I am about to be totally honest. And baring my soul to the public is NOT somthing I would normally do, but I have to figure this out and I may as well do it now.) "You know they both really care about you. Joe has 'the plan'. There's absolutely no pressure with Josh. If you weren't so scared of not knowing what's going to happen, you wouldn't be in this sitch in the first place. Why can't you just leave Joe? So what if your pretty little picture of the future crumbles away into dust? Isn't it more important to be totally happy?" And then, because I'm semi-schizo, I think back at myself: "But how do I know that I'll stay happy? What if it all falls apart like it normally does? What if Josh gets tired of me or something happens and then --"
"But what if, another year down the road, you regret it? What if you're alone anyway? Why not be happy now?"
"I AM happy. Kind of. Not really. OK, I'm happy with both Josh and Joe."
"But who makes you happier?"
*long silence*
"See. You coward. You're just scared."
"OK, so maybe I am. But you know what? It's like stepping off one side of the Grand Canyon or some cliff and trying to make it to the other side of the drop. What if I do break up with Joe and then Josh breaks up with me?
What if I screw up again?"
"You're young, it doesn't matter if you mess up. It doesn't matter till you're old, like 30. Coward."
And I know, I am a coward. I'm scared. I'm sorry.
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
I Need A Favor
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:
cool
Now Playing: Nothing
Someone posted a comment on that one depressing entry, the one with the stories. For some retarded reason, I can't see it. (Damn AOL.)
Will someone please email it to me? nevonahil@lycos.com
Thank you!!
D@mn parental controls
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:
accident prone
Now Playing: What You Waiting For -- Gwen Stefani
New background. Hope y'all like it. I'm the only person I know who says y'all ... I'm all "y'aawl" ... so Southern ...
Carry sweet Southern comfort, carry on....
Yeah I'm out there and spacey and very accident-prone ... man ...
I'm gonna get some sleep and get my "straight-who's-a-lesbian" friend to do my nails 'cause I can't do them right and then I'm gonna sleep some more....
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