Sunday, November 21, 2004
Fingernail polish ....
Topic: { me }
Mood:
incredulous
Now Playing: Suds in the Bucket -- I forget who sings it
Oh my god. I bought fingernail polish. Blue fingernail polish. BABY BLUE fingernail polish.
That's not the worst of it.
I bought pink lipstick. Yes, you read right, PINK lipstick. Well, more of a peach kind of color, but that's beside the point.
But wait, there's more! My best straight-who's-bi friend and I bought these two lipglosses from Tutti Dolci and we're more or less going to be swapping them back and forth (like we do with just about everything anyway). They're cream and -- *gasp* -- pink. And not to mention sparkly.
What is wrong with me?!
I am now buying makeup. I haven't bought makeup in months. Something is wrong.
I started looking at mags like Cosmo and Seventeen and Teen People. Oh my god I was actually looking at those little purses that seem to be the rage now!! I own like two purses. They could both pass for Army surplus. I was looking at this little cute purse thing that looks like it should be seen on some cheerleader chick's Gucci-clothed shoulder!
I think it's Thanksgiving. See, I'm spending it at my aunt's house. My aunt has this daughter who is like, Preppy with the capital P. Her name's Brittany and she is one of the most snotty, stuck-up, arrogant bitches known to preppy-kind. Every time we're in the same room, she makes fun of the clothes I wear, my hair, my shoes, my makeup, etc.
She's turning me into a prep. Someone help me!
Oh, and Joe is going to be there this year, too. Which is adding to my stress. (He's not the most, how can I say this, socially adept? person in the world. He's totally anti-social. Hates people in general. God save us.) If you knew my family, you would see the disaster this Thanksgiving is going to turn into at this rate.
Maybe I should stay in bed. And watch The Swan.
Saturday, November 20, 2004
Sick sick sick
Topic: { me }
Mood:
down
Now Playing: The Godfather II on TV
Oh my god this is the worst I have felt in literally years. My head is pounding, has been since Friday morning. I can hardly breathe. I'm on so many drugs I get dizzy when I stand up (you would all think it's hilarious, especially when I walk like some drunk prostitute). I'm not hungry but I feel like I'm starving. I shiver but I break out in a sweat at the same time.
I am not having a good day.
So now I'm sitting here, supposed to be babysitting a six-year-old, but my god I feel like sh*t. I could curl up and die, I feel that awful.
Oh well. I'll get yelled at if I don't play with this kid.
Thursday, November 18, 2004
All right damn it
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:
don't ask
Now Playing: Real Love -- Some country singer
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I HATE COMPUTERS!!!!!!!! I REALLY DO!!!!! Plus I'm already in a sh*tty mood. I can't see my won fncking blog yet again (who cussed this time?) I can't change my avatar on Oasis and AOL is stupid. I hate computers. I'm hungry. I'm tired. I have the godd@amn right to be in a bad mood >:O. As usual any comments please email them to me (nevonahil@lycos.com). Grrr.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Fnckin AOL
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:
cool
Now Playing: Simpsons on TV
Damn it I had a wonderfully funny and disjointed entry all set to post and AOL kicked me off. Piece of sh!t. Fnck Steve Case yo.
Anyway. It involved Beyonce and my ever-shifting sexuality and Kelly and *Josh* and ummm who else .... Eh. It was great. Oh well. (Oh yes, Kelly, if there ever was a chance I'd do it with you, this is the chance. Hint hint. I remember that much.) I'm feeling crazy sexy. And a bit spontaneous. More than a bit LOL.
There is something behind me and now I'm scared to look because I think it's a bug. *shudders* I hate bugs. Or maybe it's a burglar. Oooh, I'd get to use the shotgun! Or maybe the rifle! *eViL grin* Or maybe it's a snake. I hate snakes too. No wait, never mind, it's the washing machine *feels stoopid*
I get paranoid when I'm home alone in the dark damn it! Stop laughing at me!
Damn. I need to get out of the house. I need to go to ... Kelly's house, or Amie's, or possibly Michelle's. I'm in the mood to be all flirty and sh!t. (Amie ... you still got them silk sheets?) Hmmm. Or get someone to come over here. (Michelle, my parents are gone till nine ...)
FnCKIN' CEILING THERE IS SOMETHING IN MY GODD@MN CEILING AND IT'S FnCKIN' SCARING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No never mind it was a ladybug. Excuse my hyperness. Where was I?
Oh yeah. My women (LMAO Jeannie -- my main bitch! Who you callin' a pimpstress now?! What?! LOL) I need a sedative ... One last thing ...
(Yeah *Josh* I started it that time ... *muah*)
Peace byatches!!!!
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Thanksgiving and Christmas
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:
mischievious
Now Playing: Together -- Avril Lavigne
Thanksgiving is next week. AAHH!!! That means going to my aunt's house and staying there all day with nothing to do except hang out with Brittany (although she isn't as bad as she used to be, she used to be real snotty and all) and that's not so fun. Then comes Christmas.
I still don't know what to buy for half my friends. That's pretty bad. (Kelly, I refuse to give you what you want. Just shut up about it. I wasn't exactly thinking straight when that happened and it is NOT happening again. And don't even think about trying to get me drunk again so I'll do it. It won't work.) So yeah. *remembers last December and wonders how half that shit happened in the first place* Oh well. The only holiday I have to worry about is New Year's. But back to Christmas. PEOPLE, TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS!!! Within reason, please. (No, Ashley. I refuse you too. You can apply Kelly's message to "our" ... whatever.) Hmmm. I need to start thinking about which girls I'm gonna hook up with this year ... *gets an eViL grin*
I love Christmas. Now if only I can make it through Thanksgiving.
Friday, November 12, 2004
If I Post 3 Times
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:
bright
Now Playing: Page Avenue -- Story of The Year
If I post 3 more times in the next 3 days, I'll have a post for every day for exactly 30 days. I know that sounds odd and off-the-wall and rather obvious, but hey.
Anywaysz. Alfie looks interesting. Very interesting. Or maybe that's Jude Law? LOL!! Naw JL looks hott and sexy. Interesting is a bit different.
I need to quit thinking about summer. Summer was fun while it lasted but it's over now. *tear* I loved summer ... I love summer ... I'll always love summer. Ataris -- Boys of Summer *tear* Yellowcard -- Ocean Avenue *tear* Santana -- Why Don't You and I *tear* I'm getting all sentimental ... *sniff* I should write something "Goodbye."
*changes song* Sidewalks -- Story of The Year
I love Story of The Year. And Yellowcard. And Coheed & Cambria. And the Ataris. And Simple Plan. And Nirvana. And so on and so forth, lol. I'm avoiding what I was going to talk about.
Who saw the O.C. last night? Did anyone else cry? I cried last week, too. I've discovered a disturbing parallel -- I am Marissa. *gasp* Just watch the damn show if you don't know what I'm talking about (I'm going to start taping each episode too so you can borrow them).
On one hand: the yard boy, DJ.
On the other: the semi-social-outcast with a kid on the way, Ryan.
Oy. Oy VAY, I tell you. And you people think
I'm confused. Ha.
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Tired awake happy not happy cold hot hungry not hungry
Mood:
not sure
Now Playing: Swamped -- Lacuna Coil
F*cking English teacher. F*cking laws. *sings along with Cristina and sound awful* I need a library card.
So. I'm tired and awake. I'm happy and not happy. I'm cold and hot. I'm hungry and not hungry. I'm excited and exhausted. I'm straight and gay. I'm a walking contradiction. The only way this could be more perfect would be if I was actually trans. (Naw, that would just be funny.)
F*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck. I censor so I can check my damn blog. F*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck. If I could, without having serious problems with my parents, I would be screaming my f*cking lungs out because I can't think of what else to do. Well no I could just sleep all weekend but I don't want to do that. There is wayyyyyy too much tension in me to do that anyway. So I'll settle for screaming in my head and drowning out my voices. I think I'm zooming down into another "crisis."
On a side note, I would like to inform the bit of humanity that reads this to know that I'm not this much of a drama queen in person. I'm much more laid back and the person that nothing can get a bad reaction out of.
"Set me free, your heaven's a lie, set me free with your love, set me free."
I've discovered Angel's Punishment. I love that song. That and Aeon. Hell I love most of the album. Except for Daylight Dancer. I dunno, that one irritates me. The Ghost Woman is good. And Entwined. And so on and so forth. Maybe if I focus on small things like this, I won't think and cause problems. Ah ha!
Saturday I might get to see Alfie! Yay! I still haven't seen I heart Huckabees. Or Saw. Damn it I want to see Saw. What else? Flight of the Phoenix. I know there's more. I compile long lists of more movies to see every time I go to the theater. Crap. Well I know there's more.
Saturday. November 13. Anyone know why that day is important? How about October 11? January 26? November 29? January 11? December 13? Anyone?
Oh well. I didn't think so.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
In Paaaiiin!!!!!!!!!
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:
d'oh
Now Playing: McDonald's Theme -- TV Commercials
My mouth hurts. My jaw hurts. My face hurts. I leave it up to you to figure out why.
My arm hurts too. Yeah, I "fell up the stairs" again. Jeez. I manage to "hurt myself" way more than anyone I know.
LMAO. I'm watching Friends and Rachel slapped Joey's hand. Have you seen that episode? Where Ross gets extremely tanned on one side and not the other? I love it.
Damn. I'm not high, I know that for sure. I sure feel like it though. Must be all the painkillers. For my "self-inflicted" injuries. I don't like men. (Except *Josh*. I still like you.)
And the tangled web gets more tangled
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:
don't ask
Now Playing: Heaven's A Lie -- Lacuna Coil
I may actually go to church tonight. There's this new youth pastor, and I have to see what he's like. Now shall I go as my cuddly, adorable, angelic side? Or my dark, evil, sullen teenage poet side? I'm leaning toward dark poet. Let's see how he handles THAT. Grr. Lol Kelly stfu.
Just when I think I've made up my f*cking mind, something happens to change it. To be totally honest, I was going to break up with *Josh* today. But... but... and... F*ck it. I know most of you are telling me that I shouldn't have gotten into this relationship in the first place and I realize that it's my fault (mostly). But... but... and...
I need to fall off a cliff and rid everyone of their problems. I bet life would be so much easier if I wasn't involved, wouldn't it? And yet I entertain you....
"Can't you take me away from your lies?"
Tuesday, November 9, 2004
Goddamn Parental Controls on AOL
Mood:
not sure
Now Playing: Comalies -- Lacuna Coil
Just out of the shower, feeling good, smelling nice lol. I do hate Parental Controls though. If anyone posted a comment from last night, please e-mail it to me because I can't view my own blog anymore, due to my excessive swearing last night.
I feel slightly bad about totally going off like that (oh god maybe I
am a nice person!!!). I know that some of you are just "trying to help" and maybe it wasn't fair of me to yell at one or two of you. (Ice, you and Scott most definitely deserved it though.) But with everyone combined on this one spot in my life, it's getting to be a bit much. I'm feeling forced into a decision and if I'm forced into something then it won't turn out well. Now I apologize for screaming my ass off, but I meant most of what I said.
Now I'm going to figure out a way to get to my blasted blog to check for comments. (I know some people who won't e-mail their comments to me if they posted in the first place.)
Monday, November 8, 2004
Fucking Relationships
Mood:
don't ask
OK. Let me get one thing straight. I'm not going to do something just because everyone's telling me to. Nat, Kelly, Amie, John, Scott, Alex, Erika, Ashley, Ice, Olivia, and Holly, that means you.
I have had enough of everyone I know telling me what to think, how to act, who to talk to, when to do what, etc. I've had enough of everyone else running my freaking life.
Yes, I know that I'm in a fucked-up spot now. I'm going to fix it.
Amie and Kelly, I'm especially pissed off at you. I don't give a fucking rat's ass about the way you two figure shit like this out. Ice and Scott, it is NOT a competition, quit "keeping score". Nat, don't fucking get me started. Olivia, no, I am not going to swear off men. Get over it. Alex, give me back my CDs and maybe I'll quit hanging up on you.
Honestly, it's none of your business for half of you. More than half of you. Fuck off. I'm tired of hearing everyone's shit and then being told to do the exact same things you all did to get in your shitty situations.
No more fucking advice. Shut up, John. Shut up, Ashley. Just shut up. It only concerns three people. Those three know who they are and if you aren't one of them, then back off.
Mexicans
Topic: { me }
Mood:
chillin'
Now Playing: Until The Day I Die -- Story Of The Year
Why do the Mexicans stalk me?
Why?
Is there something about me that screams, "Sexy little Mexican magnet"?? I don't understand.
OK, so I was in the grocery store with my best "straight" friend (whom we all know is bi) and there were these three Mexican dudes staring at me. They followed me all around the damn store, grinning and doing that weird wink thing that guys at construction sites do. It was actually kind of funny. Tad unnerving, but funny.
Went to the mall, saw Joe at work. It was funny, he didn't see me until I walked up behind him and said "guess who." Then he jumped and was all, "OMG I didn't see you!" It was great.
Now I'm off to do more English. And to check my goddamn sched. for next sem.
Sunday, November 7, 2004
I'm Home, Did You Miss Me?
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:
rushed
Now Playing: Damn Kelly Clarkson
Yeah basically I'm home and I'm in a huge rush to get my homework done (damn Mrs. Smith). Jooooosh, did you do your hooooomework??? Lol. I hate English homework. How am I supposed to do an argument on something I know nothing about?? I'm not smart, people!! Until Friday night, I didn't even know what mandatory sentencing meant!! Bah.
And I have the hiccups. So yes, off to check my hate mail (the last nonhetero Republican, BUSH TILL I DIE!!!).
Friday, November 5, 2004
Philly
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:
sad
Now Playing: Join Me -- HIM
In Philly. Bored. Lonely. I should go for a walk. There are some interesting people here, lotsa musicians and such. I've had way too much coffee. If I knew people here, it wouldn't be so bad. But I miss some people (*Josh*) and so I will return to MD by Monday.
Thursday, November 4, 2004
I Figured It Out
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:
down
Now Playing: nothing
It's S.A.D. The rain, no sunshine. The only explanation is S.A.D., Seasonal Affective Disorder for you nonmedical types. Wonderful. Now I'm diseased, too.
{insert generic title here}
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:
down
Now Playing: The End of Heartache -- Killswitch Engage
Yes I am semi-depressed. Back to the Zoloft. Yippee. I'm so damn tired all the time. All I want to do is sleep. I'm not functioning right.
I don't know if I'll actually post this. I don't want everyone thinking I'm all angst and typical teen. I know my life from looking at this blog may seem like that, but it's not. Or maybe it is typical teen crap, but it's not totally depressed and angsty and so on, is it?
Then again, why should I give a f*ck? It's my blog and I can post what I feel like posting and I shouldn't be thinking about how I sound. If no one likes it, fine. I don't care. To borrow from Stefani, It's my life!!!
So. I'm tired and nonfunctioning and I don't like it. *changes song to* Mein Teil -- Rammstein. I love this song. Maybe if I listen to more nondepressing stuff (no more Lacuna Coil or Evanescence for awhile) I'll get better. No more Eagles. Funny how I talk about anything on here and yet in real life I would die before I talked about it with anyone. I hate sounding needy and sh*t.
This is a very disjointed post.
I'm reading Mansfield Park, by Jane Austen. It's kind of funny in a way. There's this one part where Miss Crawford and Edmund are talking about Fanny, and Miss Crawford says, "Pray, is she out, or is she not?--I am puzzled." They go on, talking about how to determine whether a young lady is "out" or not. Apparently, if a girl wears a closed bonnet, she is demure and not "out." A girl who is "out" has confidence and is not afraid to speak out. So am I out? It depends.
"Till now, I could not have supposed it possible to be mistaken as to a girl's being out or not."
Unfortunately, it's much harder to figure out now. Girls flirt with everyone. I swear, even if a girl kisses you on the cheek, it doesn't mean she's bi or les anymore. This is getting ridiculous. I think all females are at least bi.
Wednesday, November 3, 2004
I Think I'm More Coherent Now
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:
not sure
Now Playing: Anything But Ordinary -- Avril Lavigne
I think I'll switch songs. *changes song to* Over and Over -- Nelly feat. Tim McGraw. Much
better. I think I may be feeling a teensy bit depressed. Or perhaps that's me, still tired (I haven't
slept yet).
I dunno, I feel the need to declare the fact that I am totally independant (even though we ALL
know this is completely not the case). I have the need to be independant. I hate parents. I want to
go live at my best friend's place. I want to live anywhere but with my dad.
I don't remember if I've ever told my "horror stories" about my dad on here before. Well, I may as
well begin now.
First off, he's a religious redneck with no consideration for others. OK, he has some consideration,
but not often. I think his record is something like four times in a year or so. Anyway. Where was I?
Oh yes. Religious redneck, some consideration, he has no communication skills at all and he's
convinced that he's always right (hence the consideration thing).
I hate the fact that he's so goddamn religious because I think he could actually be semi-cool if he
wasn't all Christian and so on. He's the only person I know of who doesn't know I'm bisexual.
(Well, I don't know, he may have figured it out by now. He cost me a relationship with his
bullheaded ignorance.) At least, I never actually came out to him.
He thinks I'm still 12. So I may look like I am, but I'm not!! I'm fucking 16!! I'll be 17 in a few
months!! He tries to control the teensy bit of my life he knows about. It drives me crazy.
OK. That's the normal stuff. A creepy little anecdote: He stands in my doorway while I'm brushing
my hair and just looks at me. I know he's there, I can see him in the goddamn mirror. He leans
against the dorrframe and just ... watches, stares, silently. You'd think I was naked or something.
Then when I'm done brushing my hair, he'll come over to me and ... I don't know, pet me I guess
is the right way to say it. He pets my hair. It creeps the hell out of me.
That's enough family weirdness. But I want out of this house.
Although maybe I should get some sleep before running off again, huh?
I Think I'm More Coherent Now
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:
not sure
Now Playing: Anything But Ordinary -- Avril Lavigne
I think I'll switch songs. *changes song to* Over and Over -- Nelly feat. Tim McGraw. Much better. I think I may be feeling a teensy bit depressed. Or perhaps that's me, still tired (I haven't slept yet).
I dunno, I feel the need to declare the fact that I am totally independant (even though we ALL know this is completely not the case). I have the need to be independant. I hate parents. I want to go live at my best friend's place. I want to live anywhere but with my dad.
I don't remember if I've ever told my "horror stories" about my dad on here before. Well, I may as well begin now.
First off, he's a religious redneck with no consideration for others. OK, he has some consideration, but not often. I think his record is something like four times in a year or so. Anyway. Where was I? Oh yes. Religious redneck, some consideration, he has no communication skills at all and he's convinced that he's always right (hence the consideration thing).
I hate the fact that he's so goddamn religious because I think he could actually be semi-cool if he wasn't all Christian and so on. He's the only person I know of who doesn't know I'm bisexual. (Well, I don't know, he may have figured it out by now. He cost me a relationship with his bullheaded ignorance.) At least, I never actually came out to him.
He thinks I'm still 12. So I may look like I am, but I'm not!! I'm fucking 16!! I'll be 17 in a few months!! He tries to control the teensy bit of my life he knows about. It drives me crazy.
OK. That's the normal stuff. A creepy little anecdote: He stands in my doorway while I'm brushing my hair and just looks at me. I know he's there, I can see him in the goddamn mirror. He leans against the dorrframe and just ... watches, stares, silently. You'd think I was naked or something. Then when I'm done brushing my hair, he'll come over to me and ... I don't know, pet me I guess is the right way to say it. He pets my hair. It creeps the hell out of me.
That's enough family weirdness. But I want out of this house.
Although maybe I should get some sleep before running off again, huh?
*faints from excitement, sleep deprivation and hunger*
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:
accident prone
Now Playing: Things I'll Never Say -- Avril Lavigne
Bush won ... yay ... I need sleep and food. Unfortunately I'm babysitting and can't sleep. >.< Oh well. I'll sleep later. Thursday, Thursday is the premiere of The O.C.!!! WOOHOO!! I'm gonna watch it with one of my best friends (sorry Alex, you would only talk and talk about how hot Ryan is and that is somewhat distracting after a while -- although yes, he is hot). God I need caffeine. "There's too much blood in my caffeine system!!" LOL.
I've had a pretty good day, I saw *Josh* and talked to a zillion people. (Shush Kelly.) OK I seriously need sleep so anything coherent is going to have to wait.
Monday, November 1, 2004
Yes, I am talking about John Kerry
Mood:
caffeinated
Now Playing: Hellview --- I forget the band
Oh my god. I have finally caught "election fever." I'm scared to death of Kerry winning! How sad is that? I had this nightmare where he won the election and he got America blown up. That was Sunday night ... or morning ... well it was Sunday. Ever since then, I've been paranoid and nervous and skeered. I have decided that if Kerry wins the election, I will smuggle myself to England (or get my bro to fly me once he gets his pilot's license). If there's definitely going to be a war, I'm going to Norway. (In Norway, it's supposedly harder to be attacked because of all the harbors and their anti-aircraft.)
I have my clothes packed. Not just because of my house-hopping, either.
Oh yes, I also think that if Kerry is elected, it is a definite sign that these are the End Days. I'm not Christian and I don't claim Christianity as my faith, but damn it this may convert me. (I don't want to die and go to hell or go through the Tribulation or anything like that.) That's scaring me too. I'm a nervous wreck. I've caught myself starting to hyperventilate several times.
Someone needs to let me back into the nuthouse.
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