Site hosted by Angelfire.com: Build your free website today!
LINKS
ARCHIVE
« October 2004 »
S M T W T F S
1 2
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30
31
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
OK I think I'm stable
Topic: * my man *
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Whiskey Lullaby -- Brad Paisley and some chick
OK. I didn't break up with him. I had every intention of doing so last night but I cried so much I couldn't say anything. And then he said all those things that made me feel so much better and I cried some more and I'm happy with him now. Ironically enough, when I think about last night I can honestly say I love him.
So that's all right now. All I have to worry about now is midterms and Thursday and Friday. My mom is being a bitch about every little thing and it's driving me up the f*ckin wall!! So I'm trying to ask if my boyfriend can come over on Thursday and she's like, "I think you have a dennnntist appointment." So I check, and the appointment is for Friday, which sucks because I want to go to the movies with a friend, and I tell her that no, I see the dentist Friday not Thursday. She goes, "Wellllllll.... I don't know yet." I was so mad.
We got the CSM catalogue thing and my mom has decided that I absolutely NEED to take English and math again. Naturally, I don't think this is the case. I want to take Pysch and some Theatre and I'm not sure what else yet. But nooooo. Once again, my controlling mother has ruined it for me.
I think I'm getting over Stephanie. Wow. And I haven't made a complete fool of myself in front of her yet! I think I'm making progress! Or maybe I'm getting shyer. Oh well. I need a gay guy best friend. Alex never spends any time with me anymore. Any volunteers? I've got a dyke best friend (Shani), a straight guy best friend, and a straight girl best friend. See Shani, I talk about you!
OK, I should go study. Peace.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 5:43 PM EDT | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Monday, October 18, 2004
Back into the tornado
Topic: * my man *
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Losing Grip -- Avril Lavigne
I have been thrown, tumbled, dumped, shoved, and kicked back into my whirlwind of confusion. In other words, I have relapsed into my breakdown. In other other words, my lyfe is still falling apart and as usual it's because of my goddamn relationship problems.
*breathes*
OK. Now, I'm not sure why, but I kept thinking yesterday and maybe I'm not so content with my current boyfriend. Yes, that's the most secure and stable relationship I see at the moment, but I don't want to plan out my lyfe and be locked down for the rest of my lyfe either! I'm 16!! I don't care if he finds this and reads it, I'm going to make my list.
1) He gets needy/clingy.
2) He's too sensitive sometimes. (A lot of times.)
3) He's too serious.
4) He gets overprotective and possessive.
5) He's jealous as hell.
Shall I stop? You get my point. On the other hand....
1) He buys me things.
2) He goes out of his way for me.
3) He's nice to me.
4) He makes me laugh.
5) He doesn't try to hurt me.
I don't know. I'm very confused. If I break up with him now, I'm going to feel twice as bad because he's having one of his needy "days." I'm scared to break up with him because at least with him I know I'll have a future. I think. But I'm too young to want to do that, to be in such a goddamn serious relationship and have to worry about it all the time! I hate this. Maybe I should just get it over with.

I could fill a thousand pages telling you how I felt and still you would not understand so now I leave without a sound except my heart shattering as it hits the ground.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 5:42 PM EDT | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Sunday, October 17, 2004
Weddings and Boyfriends
Topic: * my man *
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Bootylicious -- Destiny's Child
Well, I'm not thinking about breaking up with my current b/f anymore. I'm more or less content with him for now (lol). My main problem seems to be that I flirt uncontrollably. Sometimes I flirt with a guy and then I get a lil crush on him and then I really have a problem because I'm already taken and and and then we see a breakdown like the one I just got over. There should be a medication for things like this! You know, like trying to quit smoking -- Stop Uncontrollable Flirting In Just Ten Easy Steps!
I went to a friend's older sister's wedding yesterday. It was actually fun and interesting and sh*t. We went back to her grandmother's house after the reception. Now, M.E. is a cool-as-fcuk grandmother. We had fun there too, watching Dirty Dancing in the bedroom and fooling around. There was this one chick there, her name was Christina (but I keep wanting to call her Courtney) and she was pretty hott. 20, blonde, very friendly. She was Zack's g/f though, so I didn't try anything :(. Oh well.
OK I gotta bounce. Peace y'all!


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 12:32 PM EDT | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Friday, October 15, 2004
Nobody Talks About
Topic: >heart / break<
Now Playing: The Ghost Woman and the Hunter -- Lacuna Coil
You know, people talk a lot about having a broken heart or ending a relationship, but I don't hear them talking about the way your eyes look when you're done crying. I don't hear about the two trashcans full of tissues that are all soggy and icky. I don't hear about the crying and not being able to stop. I don't hear about how none of your clothes fit right and every pair of earrings reminds you of him. I don't hear about feeling like you want to die because you're alone yet again.
If I had heard about it all, would it still hurt as much to end a relationship that means half my lyfe? And just what makes all that worth it? What are the real reasons to end it like that?
*sighs* I wonder if it's possible to "grow out of" a relationship. Is that the same thing as growing apart?
Damn it, does every female go through this at some point? I feel like I'm questioning everything in the relationship I have now. Or what's left of the relationship.... It's not fun.
The two of us are just so different! We really do have totally different backgrounds. My family doesn't ever touch. We don't touch each other. No hugging, nothing like that. Most of the touching we do is hitting each other. I'm not into family anyway. His family, on the other hand, is all affectionate and touchy-feely and stuff. His parents are practically stuck together. (Mine don't touch each other unless absolutely necessary.) He's into family, like taking pride in who you are type stuff. I'm so not. I'm independant and sometimes I feel like he's just some immature kid who acts like a spoiled brat! I feel like I'm dealing with a child, not a 17-year-old. (Well, some people would say the two are the same thing, but I won't go there.)
We're like total opposites. I don't know if this can work.
Besides, like I said before, I'm only 16. I'm not ready to figure out the rest of my lyfe yet! I'm not ready to stay with someone for the rest of my lyfe! A serious relationship I can handle, just not in the long long long run, you know?
I think he's clingy. Needy. I think maybe I've outgrown him. The natural thing to do would be to leave him, right? Well, what if I can't find anyone else? Yes, I'm independant, but I don't want to live along forever! And in the short short run (the month and a half or so run) I want to have a fun relationship where I don't have to constantly worry about what I say or wear or do because it might *gasp!!* make him MAD!
The worst part? In two hours I'm going out with him. I really don't know if I can do this.....


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 12:26 PM EDT | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Link to old blog
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Comalies -- Lacuna Coil
The link to my other blog, Black Rose the Second. Black Rose the Second.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 5:46 PM EDT | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Men....
Topic: * my man *
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Tomorrow -- Avril Lavigne
Yes I'm at it again damn it! I am posting my issues online for all the world to see and I don't give a damn. So.
Can total opposite people live together? We have totally different backgrounds. I have issues with him. He has issues with me. They aren't issues that are going away. Now, I know that lyfe isn't easy and that there are always problems, but are there some problems that make it next to impossible for two people to live together? Because if so, I need to know.
I'm sixteen, for those of you who don't know, and I am so not ready for a serious, lifelong thing with a guy. That's what it is to him. (Isn't that a bit backwards? Maybe this is why most girls are picky as f***.) I want someone I can have fun with and not need to deal with for years and years.
I swear, I have enough issues to keep Dear Abby supplied for eternity .... Thoughts anyone?? Please??


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 5:36 PM EDT | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Ducki, Jane, Nevonah, Dakota, Cutie, Shorty....
Topic: { me }
Mood:  mischievious
Hi people. Yes all those names up there are me. I've decided that Black Rose II will be my "public" blog and this one will be my personal, day-to-day blog. So I'll re-post my last entry on BL II onto here. Enjoy the change.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 5:32 PM EDT | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |

Latest | Newer | Older