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Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Grr: A List
Topic: { me }
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: A Favor House Atlantic -- Coheed & Cambria
A list. A list of reasons. A list of reasons I have to hate myself.

I'm not smart, I'm not pretty, I'm a f*ing 26-inch cube, I let everyone walk all over me, I'm apparently not worth notice unless I've done something wrong, I intentionally hurt myself, I'm a drama queen {like right now}, nothing I do turns out right, I have the famous ability to mess up anything and everything, I can barely talk half the time, I'm completely insane, I'm the f*ing stereotypical "depressed teenager searching for god knows what", everyone I know would be better off if I wasn't here to f* up their lives, obviously I can't trust myself with anything, and there's so many more that it's not funny.

Why am I saying all this? Not because of my family. Not because of the cutting. Actually, I have reason to be very happy with myself except for this one thing. Which happens to be driving me crazy because, damn it all, I've done it again!!! This is going to be one of those nonsensical posts because only 2 people know what I'm talking about. {And I'm the only one with the whole story.}

I cannot believe myself. Yet again, I take hours to convince myself of something, and within five minutes I completely ignore everything I made myself accept in the first place. I swear. I f*ing swear. I need a deadbolt on my door. A deadbolt or three. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone. I am not happy with myself at all.

Well, I'm not as angry with myself as I was last night, but I am still very upset at me. I knew better.

OK, take a breath, Diana. Chill. Calm down. Let it go. Breathe in, breathe out. OK.

Yes, I'm trying to let it go, but damn it ... why do I do crap like that?? Especially after I tell myself over and over that I won't this time??

It doesn't matter. Calm down. It's OK.

No, you don't understand.

{You're saying this to yourself? Ooookayy, Diana.}

Shut up. You don't. If you understood, you wouldn't be telling me to calm down, you would be yelling at me. It's my famous ability to f* everything up displaying itself again. Grr. I can't believe myself.

Look, it's not the end of the world. You're just angry because ... well OK I'm not entirely sure why, but you are and you need to cut it out. You sound like a two-year-old.

I just can't win. Not even my other voice will agree with me. I give up. But I still hate myself.

Someone smack her before she spreads her bad vibes please....


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 12:15 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |

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