Topic: { * eVerythiNg * }
Mood:
Now Playing: Missing -- Evanescence
Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
Maybe someday you'll look up
And barely conscious, you'll say to no one
Isn't something missing
You won't cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant
Am I so insignificant
Isn't something missing
Isn't someone missing me
Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me
Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
I know what you do to yourself
I breathe deep and cry out
Isn't something missing
Isn't someone missing me
Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me
And if I bleed
I'll bleed
Knowing you don't care
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there
Isn't something missing
Isn't something
Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't something missing
Isn't someone missing me
I think that mostly sums up how I feel. I went to Philly today. I'm still in disgrace and my dad is still yanking me around instead of talking to me. {Hopefully I don't get five thousand bruises. I can just see it now, I'll have to go somewhere and some person will ask me if my parents are hitting me. I need a spell to ward off the goddam counselor, I know she'll ask me about it.} The rest of my family, my mom and both my brohers, have taken to either snapping at me or completely ignoring me.
Can't you feel the love and happiness and warmth in this house?
I swear. This is getting rather out of hand. Just what did I do that was so wrong? I apologize for being born on the 26th. I apologize for existing. What more can I say I'm sorry for?
Grrr. Plus, I'm frustrated. Broken glass is not as sharp as it's said to be. I want to cut so damn bad. It's driving me crazy. Either I find something sharp enough to do the job or I scream so loud they'll have to lock me into a soundproof room just to shut me up.
I can't find a way to get it out of my system. Other than cutting or screaming. Another way would be to cry myself to sleep, but I can't do that. I can't cry on command. {I can burst into tears at the sight of a dead bird in my yard but watch some innocent bystander die in a driveby without shedding a tear. It's ridiculous.}
I feel absolutely worthless. Invisible, worthless, inconvenient, stupid, ugly me. Funny, I almost want to say it's not fair. But life isn't fair and I most likely deserve it in some way that I haven't thought of yet. That's the way my life works. I'm just ... nothing. Yeah, it makes me mad, but that's always how it works.
There's two sides to this. I feel like nothing on one side, and on the other side I'm raging at this little box they've put me in. I'm furious, but I only have enough energy to hurt one person. {Which happens to be the person who deserves it the most.}
I've been eating junk food {popcorn, chocolate, etc.} more than usual because there's nothing else for me to do. Steven is always on the computer {there go my stories and poems etc.}. Greg is always playing Xbox {there goes any TV I may consider watching}. My parents are always on the phone {I can't call anyone because my calls aren't nearly as important as theirs}. Grr. I hate this.
Question of the century: Would anyone give a shit if I died tonight? {Answer: Most likely not.}
FUCK LIFE. I HATE THEM.
Love and Kisses, Ducki
at 7:31 PM EST
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Updated: Sunday, January 9, 2005 7:57 PM EST
Updated: Sunday, January 9, 2005 7:57 PM EST