Topic: * \ relatiionshiips / *
Mood:
Now Playing: Something by Keane
OK, everyone. Keep your hands and feet inside the ride until we come to a complete stop. Thank you!
In other words, I?m about to indulge in a rollercoaster of sorts. {Which is a bit difficult to do when your mother is standing there folding clothes next to you. Just a tad strange.} You get to watch me try to figure out a bunch of crap.
Those of you who know me well are either cringing or grinning because you all know how emotionally screwed up I am {complicated by the fact that I?m female and basically I?m me}. OK enough stalling.
I never believed in all those chick flicks like Shall We Dance? and those other movies about romance and true love and stuff. I dunno, I was stupid and naive enough to believe that Santa Claus existed until I was ten {and also believed that the Mother Mary brought me presents at the same time ... I don?t get it either now} but even when I was little and my mom would watch stuff like that, I was all, ?That?s not true. That isn?t how it works.?
I can name two happy, ?married? couples I know. One of them is my Uncle Greg and my Aunt Joy. {Married for like three years or so, I think.} And them, I?m not so sure about anymore. The other couple is Shannon and Monica. {Ironic, a lesbian couple is giving me the picture of a good ?marriage?. In your face, dad.} Both couples have kids, a little girl each. When I?m in Shannon and Monica?s house, there?s this feeling there that isn?t anywhere else. There isn?t any avoiding people, any glares or anything like that. They?re a real family. {My aunt and uncle are like that kind of, but there?s always this guarded feeling too. So it?s not quite the same.}
No one else I know is happy like that. My parents fight. Everyone else?s parents fight. I?m not talking about little arguments. I mean throwing dishes and telling each other to get out kind of fights. Constantly. Everywhere.
I tried having a relationship like in the movies. Yeah, that did NOT work. It ended up being my parents all over again. {Kind of scary.} Am I the only one who thinks that ?the way love is supposed to be?, Hollywood version, is a load of bs? It makes me sick. Life is not that easy. You don?t meet some guy when your shoe gets stuck and you almost get run over by a bus but he saves you just in time and you look in his eyes and he looks back and bam it?s love. I?m sorry people. That is total bs. {That was The Wedding Planner, by the way.} It doesn?t work.
There was a while where I didn?t think there was such a thing as love at all. I was convinced that people suck and all they want is someone to pay attention to them and that they only like you if you do what they want and say what they want. {I still think that last part. I see no evidence to prove otherwise.} And after that, I believed that no one would put themselves into a place where they could get hurt that badly, by telling someone else the way they felt. I know I would never do that. I thought I would never do that.
Well, I did that. Mistake. He wouldn?t let go of me after I told him how I felt for real. {I still don?t understand that relationship. I?ve given up trying to.} It was like having my lungs ripped out when he turned around and used it against me. Not only could I not breathe, but there was that aching feeling you get in your chest when you?re really sick and you?ve been coughing for weeks and it hurts every time you try to breathe. {See? This is why I?m so screwed up. My parents plus that one relationship totally screwed me over. Wonderful.}
Where am I going with this? Somewhere, I?m sure. Hang on, I?ll figure it out in a minute. Or ten.
I?ve never been able to express myself well. Not verbally anyway. Another reason I write lol. If I can?t express myself well in the first place, it?s doubly hard to tell someone how I feel because of my fear of it getting turned around on me. Aha, I know where this is going. Kind of.
Summary so far: I don?t believe in love songs. My picture of a good relationship is a lesbian couple. My parents taught me to shut up about the way I feel. I can?t {don?t know how to} express myself. Sounds disjointed, I know. Hold on.
OK. I?ll try to put it all together. I love Josh. {Reason I know this is because I have never felt this way about anyone before. I have never been as happy with anyone as I am with him. All I want to do is make him happy. I don?t care if it doesn?t make sense.} And I want to tell him how I feel, I want him to know. {Since he reads my blog, he?s about to find out anyway.} But I don?t know how to explain the way I feel. I don?t know how to describe it. {Am I supposed to know?}
Plus I?m a bit ?suspicious? {or maybe ?wary? is what I?m looking for} of opening up again. I so don?t want to get hurt again. Yes, I know that Josh won?t hurt me. That?s what I?m told and I believe it. It?s one of those damned paradoxes, because at the same time I?m terrified that that?s what?s going to happen. I know better, but ....
I?m used to being alone. I have zillions of friends, but I?m used to being quiet and alone and not having anyone that I can really talk to, mostly because I?m crazy and it scares people when I really talk to them. {And I don?t want to do that with Josh. I don?t want him to think that I?m completely psycho. Twisted and screwed up I will admit to, but I?m not 100% insane.} I?m used to being sealed up tight and staying on the surface, without letting anyone ?in?.
So yeah. Summary: I?m a bit scared to open up. I?m sorry.