Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:
Now Playing: Spiderman on TV
I was sooooooo lonely for half of this holiday. I was confused and upset for a quarter of the holiday. And then I was pretty happy and content for the other quarter.
Guess why I was lonely and confused and upset? Yes, I started thinking again. See, only problems arise when I do this. I started missing guess who.
Joe was with me all day. And around the middle of the day I started to yes, think about guess who. (Actually, it was more than one person, but I'm not going to go all lesbian on here right now.) So then I got confused and upset.
(I plan on attempting to stay calm and not swear on this entry.) So. I started to think about Josh. Started to really miss Josh. While I'm sitting on Joe's lap. Now that, my friends, is a strange thing to happen. I was sitting there, thinking to myself, "This would be the easiest thing to fix if you weren't such a coward. What's the worst that'll happen?" (Warning: I am about to be totally honest. And baring my soul to the public is NOT somthing I would normally do, but I have to figure this out and I may as well do it now.) "You know they both really care about you. Joe has 'the plan'. There's absolutely no pressure with Josh. If you weren't so scared of not knowing what's going to happen, you wouldn't be in this sitch in the first place. Why can't you just leave Joe? So what if your pretty little picture of the future crumbles away into dust? Isn't it more important to be totally happy?" And then, because I'm semi-schizo, I think back at myself: "But how do I know that I'll stay happy? What if it all falls apart like it normally does? What if Josh gets tired of me or something happens and then --"
"But what if, another year down the road, you regret it? What if you're alone anyway? Why not be happy now?"
"I AM happy. Kind of. Not really. OK, I'm happy with both Josh and Joe."
"But who makes you happier?"
*long silence*
"See. You coward. You're just scared."
"OK, so maybe I am. But you know what? It's like stepping off one side of the Grand Canyon or some cliff and trying to make it to the other side of the drop. What if I do break up with Joe and then Josh breaks up with me? What if I screw up again?"
"You're young, it doesn't matter if you mess up. It doesn't matter till you're old, like 30. Coward."
And I know, I am a coward. I'm scared. I'm sorry.
Love and Kisses, Ducki
at 8:59 PM EST
| Permalink |
Share This Post |
Post Comment |
View Comments (1) |