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Sunday, February 13, 2005
MOVING
This blog is movig. Email me for more info and the new address.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 1:07 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (5) |
What I Should Be Doing Right Now
Topic: { me }
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Something by Yellowcard
I should be making my notes for the blasted psych test on Tuesday. But I'm in a slightly sh*tty mood today. I have work tomorrow and all I want to do is sleep in. Ugh.

I don't even have anything to say really. I don't want to do anything. I just want ... f*ck, I don't even know what I want. Go figure. Today is not going to be a good day.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 12:29 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Friday, February 11, 2005
aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh
Topic: { * eVerythiNg * }
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Jump -- Simple Plan
How can I have a mostly awesome day like yesterday and have it turned around and thrown in my face??? Yesterday was turning out absolutely wonderful and then they had to go ruin it. Why can't my parents just get a frigging divorce and get it over with??? I can move out and even take Steven if they want. Greg can take care of himself. With Greg in school, me working and in college and taking care of Steven, Mom can get a full-time job or whatever. I can wait till Greg graduates or moves out so Mom can take care of Steven and then I can leave. Steven will be 11. By the time he's ten he can take care of himself. I was taking care of Greg when I was seven.

I don't see what's so hard about this.

Except that my dad would have visitation rights with Steven and none of us want the two of them to be alone together. None of us being me, my mom and Greg.

If Steven were older. He's already getting the worst of it, because half the time he's involved with their fighting. He's my parents' favorite. So Greg is constantly picking on him and so on. Therefore, my parents yell at Greg and my dad smacks him and pushes him around {question: why won't Greg just fight back??} and Greg pushes me around and it just goes around in a big ridiculous circle. Steven hits people, Greg hits people, and they learned it from my dad.

If Steven grows up and acts like my dad ... or worse, like me ... it'll be my fault. I don't want him to be like me and he already is because he's around me so much ... he said to me the other day, "Why are you always gone? Do you hate me?" I almost cried. Way back when my grandfather died {mom's dad} and my mom kept leaving, I always stayed behind and took care of Steven. Then she would come back and Steven would complain because his little routine was disrupted. Mom would glare at me, like it was my fault, and I wanted to say to her, "What do you expect? You made me his mother for six weeks. You ran away, not me. It's your fault."

My parents are tearing my world apart bit by bit and blaming me. This is just perfect. I can't help it that Steven and I are close. I can't help it that Steven wants to be like me. I CAN make sure that doesn't happen. I don't want him to be this angry, like I am, all the time. I don't want him to feel like every time they fight, it's his fault. I don't want him to think that no one loves him, that it's impossible to love him. To feel like nothing he does is good enough. I don't want him to be like me. Is that too much to ask?

I don't want him to have to hurt as much as I did when I was his age. I don't want him to hurt as much as I do now.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 10:09 AM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (2) |
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Everybody's Fool...
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Everybody's fool -- evanescence
i hate my family and i hate their fighting and i swear to god if they keep it up i will turn on my stereo and start screaming just to drown out the silence of their feuding. it's stupid. why do they have to fight???

i don't want this to happen to me. i don't want to wake up one day in like ten years and hate the person next to me. i don't want to spend my life trying to keep the yelling down so the kids can sleep. hell.

now i lay me down to sleep, i pray the lord my soul to keep, if i die before i wake, i pray the lord my soul to take....


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 9:45 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Wednesday, February 9, 2005
The Scandalous Summer of Sissy LeBlanc
Topic: { * eVerythiNg * }
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Summer '79 -- The Ataris
First of all, that's an awesome book. Hysterical and totally great. Even if it's set in the fifties.

Because of this book, I have made a rather pleasant discovery: I'm not that crazy. I'm really not. I thought I was. But no. I am totally not as bad as Sissy. {Although I wish I could be occasionally ... *innocent angel face* Lol.}

I've made several rather pleasant discoveries in the past few days. Most of them I choose not to reveal here. Of the ones I can list here:

I'm pretty.
I'll be 18 in less than a year.
I'm madly in love.
It is barely possible that my story will have a happy ending.
I've begun writing poetry again {blast the coffee house!!!}.

The really amazing part? I'm happy. Not just content-like-I-have-a-mediocre-life. Happy. With the energy and endless smiles and everything that goes along with being happy.

There are only two bad things I can think of at the moment. 1) it's not summer, and 2) trying to fit everyone into my life. It's unbelievable, how hard it is to remember everything and get it all done, dammit. I'm not used to having to squish friends into my schedule and it sucks. I stay up till 4 AM because I can only read at night. This is why I haven't been writing as much -- I'm so blasted busy.

But eh. And summer will come eventually.

Another pleasant discovery: I found the perfect top for my schoolgirl skirt. Now if only it were summer. I could wear the whole outfit and I wouldn't freeze to death or have to wear my Dickies under the skirt or wear my boots. Yeah, life is good.

Maybe I should start putting together another one. I have the schoolgirl set and I'm working on the maid set. Maybe something gothic this time. Black leather. I've always liked leather. A black leather corset. Hmm. Chains maybe. {God knows I have enough metal, I would only need locks.} I'll have to think about it.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 7:52 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (2) |
Sunday, February 6, 2005
New Links Etc
Topic: [ [ stuff ] ]
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Mockingbird -- Eminem
Check out > > Wiith a Twiist < < and click on "life at 7teen". It's more or less my life in pictures, one for each year.

Hopefully it works.

Lord it's only noon and I've had three Pepsis. What I really want is some Coke and rum... get drunk and forget all my stupid problems. Hey it could be worse. I could be craving razor blades or something. At least drinking isn't going to hurt me.

Why are parents idiots?? Why do they have to fight all the time?? Hell. Damn. I hate it when they fight. I hated it when I was little, I hated it when I was 13, and I hate it now. Why won't they make it easier on everyone and just split the frick up?? Or maybe my mom will follow through on her threats to poison my dad one day. Arsenic or a ton of Valium in his drink at dinner. Haha. Yeah it's sick but if you were me, you'd laugh too. I could mix up a nice sleeping potion for him. God knows I have enough pills in my dresser drawer to kill half of D.C. But shh, it's my little secret.

Ugh. I'm doing it again. Poking at myself with little sarcastic barbs disguised as stuff I spit at other people to make them angry. It's like smacking myself. Or stabbing with a needle. Twisted way to put myself down, but that's what it is.

How does the song go?

I guess things aren't how they used to be
There's no more normal families
Parents act like enemies
Making kids feel like it's WWIII
No one cares ... no one's there
I guess we're all just too damn busy
And money's our first priority
It doesn't make sense to me...


Parents are idiots. I hate parents. Well, no, I'm OK with my mom. I hate my dad. Hate him with a flaming passion.

*self portrait: a rarity*
(taken directly from personal journal)

there's a child inside me, on her knees, crying and wailing. she's been left behind by everyone and no one loves her. she's shivering, alone, in a kaleidescope of blue and grey. and it feels likeher heart is pumping the blood straight out of her veins. she can almost see the blood all around her, just pouring out.... there's a hurt inside her that's too big to heal.... she can't even begin to explain the way it feels to hurt this much. she hurts so much she can almost feel it all over her body and it won't go away and there's no one there to help her, if it's possible to help.

Damn good writing, if I do say so myself. If I could, I would show you what she looks like, but I can't. I can only paint pictures with words. Unfortunately, sometimes words aren't enough. Which is why I put together life at 7teen. If you put some of the pictures together, you'll get a pretty good idea of what she looks like inside.

The weird thing? I only feel like that at night.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 12:09 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (1) |
Friday, February 4, 2005
Shopping etc.
Topic: [ [ stuff ] ]
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Jump -- Simple Plan
Well, going to the mall made me feel a bit better. I finally got my satin hi-tops!! And my black club pants. Yay for me! And I have a new set of steel earrings along with a Converse tee. But eh. I still feel a bit crappy.

I dunno. Maybe it's knowing that Ashley is doing her best to tear my life apart. Maybe it's my parents fighting. Maybe it's nothing at all. I just feel rather down.

There's no one there to listen to me. Not really listen. Even if there was someone, I doubt I could really talk to them. I don't even know what I would say if someone really listened to me. I could tell how I feel cold and lonely and isolated. I could complain about life. I could rant about my parents. I dunno. Everything feels negative now. Whoever would listen to me would only get depressed anyway. No one likes to listen to someone else's problems.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 8:09 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (4) |
Shopping etc.
Topic: [ [ stuff ] ]
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Jump -- Simple Plan
Well, going to the mall made me feel a bit better. I finally got my satin hi-tops!! And my black club pants. Yay for me! And I have a new set of steel earrings along with a Converse tee. But eh. I still feel a bit crappy.

I dunno. Maybe it's knowing that Ashley is doing her best to tear my life apart. Maybe it's my parents fighting. Maybe it's nothing at all. I just feel rather down.

There's no one there to listen to me. Not really listen. Even if there was someone, I doubt I could really talk to them. I don't even know what I would say if someone really listened to me. I could tell how I feel cold and lonely and isolated. I could complain about life. I could rant about my parents. I dunno. Everything feels negative now. Whoever would listen to me would only get depressed anyway. No one likes to listen to someone else's problems.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 8:08 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
Topic: { * eVerythiNg * }
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Jump -- Simple Plan
AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

Ashley, will you just fuck off?!?! This is ridiculous!!! I hate the fighting!!! Why won't you leave me alone?! There are enough problems in this world without you adding to them!! My family is falling apart!! I don't need your bullshit!!

I swear to god I could strangle you at this moment. Do you know what you did??? No, let me ask that differently ... do you know what you made me do??? The headache I had this morning wasn't just stress and tension. I fell into my wall and hit my head pretty damn hard. Why did I fall into a wall? Not because I'm a stupid blonde {I'm not blonde by the way}. I was unconscious. Why was I unconscious? I knocked myself out. I suffocated. I can't take your shit. All I want is to get away from you. You are driving me insane.

Stop threatening to tell everyone my stupid history. Stop asking me stupid questions. Stop stop stop. I don't know what you want. I don't much care. Just stop, please stop. Stop with the calling me. The emailing me. The posting on my blog. Leave me alone. Get over it. Fuck off.

Yes, you read right: Fuck off. Not fuck you, I know you'll take that wrong. Just go away. I can't stand you and you can't stand me. Get out of my life. You don't love me. You're freaking obsessed with me. I don't know why, I don't want to know why. But quit talking me. Don't talk to Josh. Don't explode this with everyone else. That would be just like you, to tell Nancy and Jeannie and J and Tim and Rachel and Ace and Mom and Monica and Shannon and Michelle and Jason and Debbie and everyone and attempt to make my life more miserable. Kelly will back me up if you do that, I'm not worried about that. I want you to drop it completely. Permanently.

I hate you.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 1:39 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Wednesday, February 2, 2005
but to you ... this means nothing ... nothing at all ...
Topic: * \ relatiionshiips / *
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: In A Perfect World -- Simple Plan
OK. Yes, I am stupid. Yes, I am plain. Yes, I'm one of those people that no one likes and I'm sooo lucky that Josh loves me. Yes, I do stupid things {like starting this whole ... whatever you want to call it}. I'm sorry. It's what I do: mess things up.

I know, I know. I should be locked into a dark dark closet and never let out because I wreak havoc on everyone's world. I only make everything difficult. I'm sorry. It's my fault. I really should just disappear off the face of the earth.

Yes, I am aware that I'm practically worthless. I'm not special. I'm nobody. I know. So maybe I should just ... I dunno. What do you want me to do??

I'm lucky I have friends at all. I'm irritating and a nuisance and so on and so forth. I can't do anything right. Every relationship I've had, I've screwed up. Yes, I know that I deserved all the stuff that happened to me with various guys. Because of all the stupid stuff I did or said.

I had a dream last night where I was still going out with Joe and for some obscure reason, we were in the mall. There was this really deep cut on my face, and I was running through the mall trying to hide my face so no one could see it. Joe was following me, cursing at me and yelling at me. I ended up hiding in Hot Topic {lol} and trying to keep myself from bleeding to death. It was scary. I could practically feel blood on my face and it stung when I woke up. I woke up crying and completely freaked out. I was scared to death because I thought for a minute or two that I was really bleeding and then I was too upset to go back to sleep.

Yeah I know. I deserved all that. All the stupid things I've done and said. All my fault.

"Stop telling me I'm pretty because I know I'm not."
"I'm standing out here in the pouring rain so you can't see me crying."
"I'm a lost cause, not a hero."
"I'm a nightmare, a disaster, that's what they always say."

I don't deserve Josh. I don't deserve anyone. I'm not worth it. You people are right. I'm absolutely nobody.

"How can you love me if I don't love myself?"
I want to forget the pain....


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 8:27 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (14) |
Updated: Wednesday, February 2, 2005 8:39 PM EST
Monday, January 31, 2005
dammit
Topic: * \ relatiionshiips / *
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: I'd Do Anything -- Simple Plan
I'm tired, not lazy, but that's a side note.

Ashley, I'm going to kick your ass when I see you. Kelly, I'm mad at you too but not as much as I am with Ashley.

Can't you people leave sh*t in the past?! It was over a year ago and no one cares! Leave my Summer of Sexual Stupidity back there when it happened. Quit bringing it up.

I am perfectly happy with Josh. I am NOT going to break up with him for some girl. That is bullsh*t and you all KNOW it. I love Josh. I'm in love with Josh. I'm stupid but not stupid enough to throw away the best thing that's ever happened to me. Especially for some girl. Jesus Christ, people.

This is absolutely ridiculous. I should quit writing in here. SOME people can't leave sh*t alone.

My head hurts. I'm tired. I'm hungry. I miss Josh. There is a ton of sh*t I have to do before tomorrow shows up and I have class and I have homework to go over tonight. I don't want to deal with my past stupidity today. Or tomorrow. Or anytime this week. I'll post my schedule and let you find a convenient time to harrass me about my Summer of Sexual Stupidity {is that what you've taken to calling it now? and why ME? we all did stupid stuff that summer! pick someone else to irritate about it!}. Just to let you know, you won't find a convenient time. There's no room for harassment in my life at this point. Any of my lives.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 5:09 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (13) |
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Life #6 Is MIA
Topic: { me }
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Welcome To My Life -- Simple Plan
I have lots of lives. I have my school life. My work life. My home life. My friends-etc. life. My Web life. I don't have a life of my own.

Seems weird but it's true. When I'm in my room, I don't have time for myself. I'm getting dressed or cleaning up or getting something or putting something away. Or sleeping. I need a room life. {Shut up, Kelly. Not that kind of room life. Talk to Ashley. She'll tell you. I'm not telling. Ashley shouldn't tell either but we all know she will anyway. As long as no one tells you-know-who. He doesn't know and it's something I don't want brought up again.} Maybe a me life sounds better. My own life. Some time where I can just chill and sit and quietly contemplate stuff.

This is why I haven't screwed anything up lately. I have no time to think about what I'm doing. I have to just do it. {Nike. Oh god. I'm Nike and I'm just doing it. Wonderful. No wonder you people call me ... that special name. Leave me alone. Lmao Ashley. Keep it quiet, please.}

Not only am I sarcastic, I'm having the damned dream again. And I know a certain someone will threaten to tell about it so I'll do it on here and beat her to it. Months ago, I had a really weird dream. I'm NOT going to say exactly what happened, but after that dream I had a really hard time remembering I was female. Well, not that I was female, but that I was supposed to act like a female. {Think girly thoughts!! Lmao.} It was bad. Very bad. And now it's back. I don't know why. I don't have any girl crushes. Not that I know of, at least. And I'm bouncing back and forth between being really girly {ack} and being ... not girly.

Which is messing me up because I start with the re-questioning and wondering just what is wrong with me exactly. I always thought that being bi meant I liked guys and girls pretty much equally and it generally stayed balanced. But noooo. That would just be too simple. Instead, I bounce like a freaking bouncy ball. The funny part? The more not-girly I feel, the more girly I dress. It's ridiculous.

Kelly and Ahs and whoever else is after me, don't screw me up any more than I already am! Ashley, no more with the calling and the tears and the telling me how much you miss me and love me and you want me back because it's not working. {OK maybe a little bit but I'm not coming back. You just make me feel guilty. And no calling Josh and talking to him either. I swear to god I will kick your ass if you do because I know what you want to tell him and that is not happening.} Kelly knows I'm not gonna do anything with her. Two reasons. She's in Philly. And the only way she could get me to do it is if she got me extremely drunk. Which she can't do.

Anyway. Back to my lives. Sorry, I got a bit distracted. Eh. Maybe I need to address my bouncing sexuality more than I need to address my lack of a personal life. I swear it's a curse to be bi sometimes.

I'm really tempted to completely spill, but there are people who read this that would freak out and hate me and run far far away from me and I don't want that to happen. So I'm going to shut up for now.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 6:41 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (7) |
Thursday, January 27, 2005
At CSM
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: In This Diary -- The Ataris
Yes, I'm bored and sitting in the library so I figured I may as well update.

I had cereal for lunch {Fruit Loops to be exact} in the cafeteria. Cereal is a staple food for college people, I don't care how ridiculous I look eating it for lunch. It was fun.

I dunno, I really like sitting in the cafeteria. I like hearing people talk. Conversations inspire me to write. Unfortunately, all I had to write in was my math notebook. So I sat back and listened to people's lives and my Ataris CD quietly.

This is going to be a good semester, despite the emergency in the ladies' room. {Lmao Natalie, remind me to tell you about that. It was great.} My math teacher is nice. I have a female math teacher, but I don't know about my psych teacher. Psych doesn't start for another hour.

Why is it that everytime I come in here I get weird looks? I wasn't talking to myself or singing this time and I still got weird looks. But I also got my student ID card. So Mom will be happy with me.

I cannot wait for my psych class. And then after psych, I'm going to the mall and a movie with *Josh*!!! YAY!! I miss him soooo much, it's not funny. It's ridiculous. I've never missed any guy as much as I miss him. I sound like an idiot, don't I?

OK. Off to elsewhere.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 12:52 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Careening towards the edge, wheeeeee!
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:  flirty
Now Playing: Soldier -- Destiny's Child
Everyone run. I am in an extremely mischievious mood. Flirtatious too. It is time to create some deviltry. Wreak some havoc. Get some people in trouble {as long as I don't get in trouble lol}.

Hopefully this mood has worn off by the time I go to work. Monday I had to work with another page. That was boring. I work better on my own darn it. And I can't help it that I'm not as fast as everyone else. I just started. Mrs. Martin, I think that was her name. She's nice and all, but eh.... She makes me nervous and I don't know why. Maybe it's just me.

Woohoo. I'm now officially seventeen. I don't feel any different. Other than really mischievious and all. And really antsy. I can't sit still long.

This is the bad thing about my really manic moods -- I go all A.D.D. and crazy and yeah. Some people can use yesterday as an example. {Johnny Depp with the leather and the hair ... in bondage pants... *evil grin* ... yummy ... lmao. Tinkerbelle and Wednesday!} Yeah I had a strange day yesterday. Does the fact that Mr. Potato Head stores stuff in his butt bother anyone else? I mean, in Toy Story 2, his wife is seen stuffing eyes and a mustache in his arse! Am I the only one who finds that disturbing??

Anyway.

I'm going to shut up before I get started for today.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 10:25 AM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (2) |
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Deal Shopping
Topic: [ [ stuff ] ]
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: Holiday -- Green Day
My shoes are cheaper at Hot Topic than at Underground Station. I'm getting the pink and black Chuck Taylors and putting my black lace shoelaces in them. And I was contemplating buying a Tinkerbelle bed set. {It looks so cool!} It's black and pink and Tink! But nah. I'm getting the blasted American Idiot CD, the Chucks, and some clothes. Woohoo.

I am full of energy and making smart-arse comments left and right. Beware, if you don't want to sound like a total idiot, stay away from me. Wheee.

Tomorrow I turn 17. Scary thought. Why is it scary? I don't know. Because then there will only be one year separating me from my 18th birthday. Once I'm 18, all hell will break loose. {Unless I'm already out of the house by then, which I may be, with all these smart-arse remarks. I'm going to slip and do it in front of my parents eventually.}

Meantime, I have all day today to do nothing. Shit, I forgot to check my schedule yesterday and find out when I'm supposed to go in to work tomorrow. Eh. I'll call Millie and find out.

Jeebus Chrimas, you'd think I'm flipping A.D.D.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 10:56 AM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Monday, January 24, 2005
work
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Holiday -- Green Day
Tired ... so tired ....

I didn't know putting books away was so blasted tiring. You wouldn't think it is. But jeez. Maybe it's just me. I dunno. What worries me is when I start class too. I have work MW, class TTh. Which means that I have work the day between classes. How am I going to get all this crap done? Throw in babysitting and the various other parts of my life and I may go nuts.

So I should be glad to have this part of the week where I'm not really doing anything. I should be relaxing tomorrow, and most of Wednesday {which is my birthday anyway, even if I do have work}. I should be chill. Instead, I have this nagging feeling that I should be doing something. I can't relax because I feel like I should be moving and accomplishing things. Grr.

I should relax with some chocolate and a good book and a long hot shower and the radio playing jazz tomorrow. Why do I know that it's not going to work that way?? Why can't I chill out??

Maybe it's stress. I'm stressing about class on Thursday. I'm stressing about not feeling ready and wishing I had more time. I'm stressing about work {already?!} and how I'm going to coordinate the homework and the work so I get it all done and pass the classes with the perfect A's my parents are expecting of me AND doing the perfect job at work that they're expecting of me.

Hell, I'm stressing about little shit like this cold I have and whether I really have to have new shoes {the ones I wear most of the time now have holes in the heels, but they can last till spring if they have to} and what to do with my birthday money. Should I spend it at all? Or should I save it? If I save it, I'll be that closer to getting my own car. If I move out when I turn 18, I'll need a car. I won't get the one I'm driving now, as far as I know. And if I need a car, I need money to buy a car. {No, my parents won't help me. Please. My parents? That's a laugh.}

What I really want to do is nothing. I want to be able to chill. Grrr.

For those of you who don't know by now, I'm in that place where I'm getting un-depressed and I have some energy, but not quite enough to deal with my life -- plus this cold is draining me slowly. I'm entering my manic phase. Woohoo. I can make so many morbid, freaky jokes right about now ... but I won't. Nobody make me mad or upset, I now have the willpower and energy to kill myself. {Sorry, I couldn't resist lmao.}

I'm tired. I'm going to go ... something ... somewhere ... yeah ... god I am nuts ...


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 8:32 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Saturday, January 22, 2005
I want
Topic: [ [ stuff ] ]
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: Worst Day Ever -- Simple Plan
I want so many things it's not funny. I want to go shopping. I want CDs. I want to talk to Josh. I want my cough to go away. I want to go to sleep then wake up and have all the bad stuff in my life to be gone.

Yeah. Today was my birthday party. I woke up sick and feeling like I was dying. {God damn chocolate milkshakes and candybars and icing. I swear I will never touch chocolate again. Not after this morning.} I had to get up and take a shower because I felt disgusting. While putting in my contacts, I almost passed out. While getting dressed, I almost passed out. While in the shower, I almost passed out. Twice. Not fun.

So after crashing on the couch for two hours, I started to feel better. And I came up with a list of stuff I've done while being 16.

Went to prom {woo! lol}
Got sent to therapy {I know people who needed it more than me}
Broke up three times {and one person twice}
Discovered my legs {while at the beach lmao}
Got a job {I am such a nerd}
Got my learner's permit {still waiting for the provisional's}
Went to CSM {oh yeah, I'm a college chick now}

So it's not that exciting. I don't care. Except for the breaking up, those were all firsts for me. {Yes, including the legs.} And yeah there's other firsts that I'm most definitely not going to list. Most of those are funny. Some are stupid. Some I wish I could forget lol.

As usual, I'm sick for my birthday. Otherwise, I'd be begging to go out to the mall. Oh well. I get to stay home and be quietly contemplative.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 5:09 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (1) |
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Work Tonight
Topic: nothiing iin partiicular
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Mockingbird -- Eminem
I have work unless there's a ton of snow on the ground. Like there is right now. I can't believe they delayed school for THIS. It's like an inch and a half to two inches at best. Puh-leeze.

Anyway. My hair is not so scary and I'm gonna fix it today. FYI, I went from being a very blonde-ish blonde to very very very very dark dark brown brunette. {Does this mean I'm not as stupid?} In certain lights, it still looks black. I look like a younger version of Amy Lee.

I like it.

So yeah. I can't wash my hair because I'm going to redo the ends and the streaks that I missed yesterday. THEN I can wash my hair.

I cannot wait for next Thursday. I start classes again. Woohoo! I'm not looking forward to math, but psych I can't wait for. I hate math. Especially math that I've failed twice before. Ugh. I looked at the textbook for math yesterday and I can tell you right now, I am not gonna make it through that class. No, not a chance.

The upside is that I see Josh between classes. {Unfortunately, that's after math and before psych. So I'll be mad at my math teacher and the math book and myself because I'll be failing. I'll be all stressed. Wonderful.}

Let Me Love You -- Mario

I looove that song. I'm in a good mood. *muah* I love you Josh! Oh and tomorrow is good. I warn you now, I look scary and awful because of my hair. Just don't run away screaming, please.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 9:21 AM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Holy sh*t y'all
Topic: { me }
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: nothing
Holy sh*t. I dyed my hair today. It was SUPPOSED to turn brown. Do you know what color it turned??? {It's kinda still turning, so actually I'm not sure what color it really is yet.} Well I'm not going to tell. Call me and ask me. But holy sh*t that is scary-looking.

My mother is going to kill me. Oh my god. I don't even know what I think about it yet. Wow.

OK so anyway. God how my life changes in a week. I was cooling off at my dad until last night. For those blind, deaf, stupid people who don't know, I'm bi. {The whole world and MARS knows!! Lol.} Remember this.

Josh came over and brought the movie Without A Paddle. There's this one lesbian scene {nothing graphic, just talking} and my dad flipped out. Totally flipped out. He was all "TURN THAT OFF. THAT DOES NOT BELONG IN THIS HOUSE. THAT IS COMPLETELY WRONG. TURN IT OFF NOW." I was so friggin mad. I was so mad I was ready to march up to the mafuqqin homophobe and tell him that I was bi. {Which will get me kicked out of the house. Which is somewhat desirable at this point. Hmm.}

Then my mom. I don't know wtf is wrong with her. She listens to me and sympathizes with me about my dad, then turns around and yells at me for everything else, then tells me that she wants me to stay close to her because she loves me. {Oi.} I was so upset, I had to lock myself in the bathroom and cry before I could sit down and eat dinner. And even then I didn't really eat much. {I AM NOT ANOREXIC!!!!!!}

Ugh. So last night sucked. Let's see. The weekend was great. I stayed at Natalie's house from Saturday till Monday night. Went to the mall twice. Oh, I won my first game of bowling. Lol. Sad but true.

Yeah. I think that's pretty much it. God I am tired. God my mother is going to kill me for this hair.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 12:28 PM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment | View Comments (3) |
Thursday, January 13, 2005
I'm Moving Out
Topic: ~ * today * ~
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: I Won't Be There -- Simple Plan
I'm moving out.

Temporarily.

My dad is still treating me like shyt and I'm getting tired of it. If he's still acting like this tomorrow, then I'm gone for the weekend. Screw him.

So today I have to wash all my clothes. Open my checking account. Figure out the blasted W-4 and other assorted forms. Go back to the library and get my schedule. Get a shower at some point. And remember to eat something so I don't get yelled at for being "anorexic". {How am I anorexic if I'm a cube?!}

I think I can do all that. I hope. And the library stuff I have to get done before 8.00.

Making it through today is the only thing I'm concentrating on. Oh and getting my mom to let me go to the mall tomorrow. {Extended escape time lol!!} Those damned forms are going to cause me the most trouble because I don't speak legalese. {How the hell do people do their taxes if they don't know wtf is going on half the time?! THIS is how the government is getting all our money. They do it on purpose. And the accountant people are in on the scam. I bet the government is paying them off to make people lose more money than they need to. Lmao.} Anyway.

The one thing that irritates me the most is the way my dad acts like I'm stupid. {Remember the telemarketer, Nat? That mofo!!} He treats me like I'm stupid, worthless, invisible, a pain. I can't do anything to make him happy. Nothing I do is good enough for him. All I want is for him to stop being mad at me. Is that too goddamn much to ask??

Yes, I'm aware that my dad and I have never been on "good" terms. But it was never this bad. I don't know what I did, I don't know why he's mad at me, I don't know how to fix it, I don't know how to make everyone happy, I'm just clueless. As usual. He won't talk to me and tell me why he acts like he hates me. He just glares at me. I never ever thought I would say this, but that kinda hurts.

I need to talk about something happy. I sound ridiculous. {Think happy thoughts!} Oh lord. I've been pulled in. Damn reality/dating shows. I've started watching BMOC. There's this one girl on there, Michaela, who is totally me. Naturally, she has to win, according to me. Why? Because she's just like me and I understand her {kind of} and yeah. She's all insecure and tries not to show it and she's not sure what's going on but she knows what she wants and I was sitting there watching the show and thinking, "That's how I feel. Maybe she has more of a clue than I do and I can figure out how everyone else does this confusing thing called 'being an adult'. Except I'm not an adult. I'm just being treated like I'm one." Michaela is either 18 or 19, I forget which, and she's the youngest girl on the show.

Yeah, she's my celebrity personality all right.


Love and Kisses, Ducki at 9:27 AM EST | Permalink | Share This Post | Post Comment |

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