“Shit!” AJ muttered and dropped the still glowing cigarette butt into the full ashtray and shook his hand. Looking at his right middle finger, he examined the burn before sticking it in his mouth to ease the pain.
He was surprised he felt the pain. Normally he walked around numb to everything for so long that he couldn’t tell what was real and what was a dream. His shrink said that he should cut back on the alcohol and maybe check himself into rehab. Didn’t that dumb ass know anything? He had a goddamn image to uphold!
His image. That’s what got him here. Maybe he should go into rehab, just to give people a reality check. Then maybe they would see that he isn’t perfect, that he shouldn’t be an idol; he didn’t belong here. Not because he had a problem. Alcohol was an escape. It made him different. “Hey, at least I’m not shooting up!” AJ often joked.
Pushing himself out of the neatly upholstered hotel room chair, he stumbled into the bathroom. Splashing water onto his face to try and shake himself out of the trance he seemed to have a permanent grasp on him. Holding onto the sides of the sink for support, he looking into the mirror. His face was a blur and the light reflecting into his face through the mirror was too much. Closing his eyes, AJ swayed slightly. He tightened his grip on the sink rim. Each bead of water rolling off his jaw splashed angrily into the sink, and with each drop, the splash became louder and louder until AJ couldn’t take it anymore. With a throaty grunt he pushed himself out of the bathroom and stepped into the middle of the bedroom.
He stood there, glancing around. He had been there for quite some time now, God knows how long, time was one big blur to him, but he had never really seen the room. The large king size bed was positioned in the center of one wall with two cherry wood nightstands on each side; typical of hotel suites. The walls were a pale sea foam green the contrasted the dark hues of the bedspread. He got a tingling feeling of deja vu on the back of his neck as his mind took him to another place and another time.
“Baby, just one more drink, then I’ll come to bed.” AJ leaned over the hotel wet bar, pouring himself a shot of rum.
“Why does everything have to be put on pause so that you can drink?”
“It doesn’t, Amanda, I just had a rough day and-”
“Then talk to me damn it! I’m here for you, I love you. Tell me what’s wrong!”
“Nothing that you would understand.” He knew that she would understand better than anyone else. But he didn’t want her to think badly of him. He didn’t want to lose her. “I love you, too. But it’s nothing wrong.”
“It sure as hell doesn’t seem like it. We never do anything together anymore, and when we make love, I’m making love to you, and you with your alcohol.”
“That’s not true!” AJ spun around. Her words sending him spiraling into a drunken rage.
“Alex, I know something’s wrong... please tell me! I want to help!”
“Stop!” he smashed the shot glass on the wet bar counter, pieces of glass embedding themselves into his hand. Turing his hand palm-side up, he stared at the blood trickling down onto his forearm.
“Oh!” Amanda gasped. “AJ, let me see.” She came over, her tender, caring touch stinging AJ’s hot flesh.
“No woman! I told you to leave me the fuck alone!” AJ roared causing Amanda to stumble backward.
“Fine.” Amanda turned as calmly as she could and picked up her purse and walked to the door. “Fine. If that’s what you want, I’m gone.” She stepped into the long corridor and shut the door softly.
“You can’t do that!” She heard AJ hollering at the closed door. “You need me, Amanda! You can’t just leave!” When he received no response, he hurled the now empty bottle of rum at the door sending it shattering into small pieces that rained down to the carpet noiselessly.
“Oh, God. What did I do?” AJ sat down hard on the foot of the bed. The room swirled around him, making him sick to his stomach. Trying to stop it, he braced himself by holding onto the edge of the bed, but it persisted. A small, barely audible gasp escaped his throat before he collapsed and was taken over by bleak darkness.
*
Denise McLean sat and watched her son’s body. That was all that he was anymore. Just a body. Hearing what had happened, Amanda flew in from Florida to be with Denise. She knew how alone and scared Denise was even if she never admitted it on the phone. Amanda knew because she felt the same way.
Now she sat beside Denise facing AJ. Watching, waiting for something they weren’t sure would ever come.
“Why don’t you go get something to eat. Go home and clean up.” Amanda suggested. After Denise shot her a wary look she added, “I’ll be here with him. I wont leave his side. Get some sleep. I’ll call you if anything happens.” Denise gave in.
“Alright. Thank you, for all that you’ve done.” She said as she walked out the door.
Amanda turned to AJ.
“Come on, sweetheart. I know you’re in there somewhere. You’re too strong to give in to this. Please, AJ...” Amanda let down her brave facade and sobbed on AJ’s chest.
He heard her. AJ knew she was there. He longed to reach out and comfort her, tell her it was going to be okay. But he couldn’t. It was as if we was outside of his body.
“Amanda!” He cried out, but knew it was hopeless. She couldn’t hear him. Going over to her, he stood behind her, studying her.
“I’m here, Amanda, I’m going to be alright. Please don’t cry. I’m sorry for what I did... what I did, what I said, anything that hurt you. I love you. I’ll be back soon and everything will be okay again.” But would it? Even he was beginning to question that.
AJ listened as Amanda talked to him about anything and everything. What was going on in her life, recalling memories of tours and things that they had done together. The doctors had told her that mental stimulation might possible bring him around. As he listened, her voice faded and wavered.
“Amanda? Amanda!” He cried out, collapsing on his knees covering his face with his hands. He opened his eyes only to shield them again from a persistent blinding light. The hospital room was gone. Despite the warm glow, AJ shivered.
“I’m sorry!” He exclaimed. “Please help me... there’s so much I want to do, so much I want to see, to learn. I’ve made so many mistakes, and I realized that too late. If you just give me another chance...” he trailed off, too choked up to continue.
AJ stirred. When he opened his eyes, florescent lights came into focus. He turned his head to see if anyone was still there, but it immediately started throbbing. Groaning in frustration, he lay still.
“AJ?” Amanda sat up. She had fallen asleep in the empty bed next to AJ’s. AJ opened his mouth, but nothing came out. “Oh my God!” Amanda rushed over and took his face in her hands. “I knew you’d pull through!”
AJ marveled at the fact that she wasn’t mad. What he had done to deserve someone so loving, so forgiving, he didn’t know. Still struggling to speak, his voice came out hoarse and raspy. As Amanda cried tears of joy, AJ, in a barely audible voice whispered:
“I love you.”
And that was all that mattered.
