Every now and then the debate comes up over whether or not we should put fluoride in the water supply. This is the wrong debate.

“It will help keep our children’s teeth healthy,” the hippies say as birds drop dead around them from the blinding stench of patoulli oil.

Bitter arguments erupt over this simple additive to our drinking water, but I believe this is unnecessary. So in the spirit of compromise, I suggest one solution that will satisfy both sides: replace fluoride with birth control.

Think about it. Birth control in the water, you wouldn’t even have to worry about your kids’ teeth… because you won’t be having kids! And that’s the greatest part about this whole idea - it kills two birds with one stone. The kids won’t ever have to suffer from unhealthy teeth (that benefits you), and you will be sterilized (that benefits me). Oh man, if only everyone was as smart as me. We would have cured world hunger by now.

Wait… that leads me to an idea which I just stole from the movie “Soylent Green.” If we took our hippies and donated them to developing countries to be processed into edible soylent crackers, we could cure world hunger overnight! The poor and starving will be fed wholesome and nutritional meals (that benefits you), and you will be slaughtered wholesale and digested (that benefits me!).

But why stop there. There’s no telling what we could accomplish when we work together! Opposed to inhumane scientific testing on animals? No worries! We’ll now perform unsafe medical tests on leftist college students! Dependence on foreign oil got you all fired up? Take out some of that aggression while you’re pulling my car to the grocery store! Have a problem with ADIDAS factories employing Pakistani children for 8 cents an hour? Well you get the picture.