Works by John Mei, Published by Rahim Abbasi (Quotes)Works by John Mei
***** Great Thinkers of Our Time? *****
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
--Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
--David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
--Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
--Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
--A congressional candidate in Texas
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
--Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
--General William Westmoreland
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
--Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
--Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
(6/16/98) And just the other day, our boy Dan Quayle was quoted as saying that the Republicans would definitely nominate someone this time who would beat Bill Clinton. Of course the 22nd amendment precludes Bill from running again...
And some Q & A for some of our greatest people:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?
Could you define chicken, please?
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have
to cross before you believe it?
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.
GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know
if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with
us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken
crossing the road represented the application of these two different
functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater
services to the American people.
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by
unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled
habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of
a gas-guzzling SUV.
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting
a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is
already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road
syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more
of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their
tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money
the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the
plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side."
That's what they call it-the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is
gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott
all chickens 'til we sort out this abomination that the liberal media
whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!
To die. In the rain. Alone.
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us
that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting and went onto accomplish its life-long
dream of crossing the road.
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
It was a historical inevitability.
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death
its right to do it.
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook- and
Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing
order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a
certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou
shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much
I missed one?
Back to Bush Sucks
To Story by John Mei
To A Girl's First Time
To Having A Bad Day?
©2004 Rahim Abbasi, All Rights to John Mei.
Published by Rahim Abbasi