My Dear Lord of the Celestial City,
In response to you ministry’s call for accounts of so-called ‘abortion’, by new initiates, I have decided to describe to you my own experiences in this matter. I know not how, but my memories of the incident are unexplainably clear.
My awareness, or what you refer to as my animus, began at conception, which I recall most explicitly. Suddenly I perceived things around me, could feel the warmth of the womb about my smooth skin, the softness of my thin birth caul upon me. I was unsure of what to make of this sensation—I had until then not known touch, warmth, and texture. It was then that I recognized my self. I understood that I controlled some parts of me, and by so doing I could experience sensations like touch. I individually controlled my body, was the governor of my forming limbs and extremities, and possessed the ability to choose to make certain actions.
This becomes difficult to explain…over time I began to comprehend time. I noticed eventually that my parts were not as they had been. I perceived that they had undergone some change; eventually I understood that this would have to occur over an interval of temporal existence. And so they grew as time went on. Of course, I had no way of measuring the passing of time…I was not aware of numbers with which to label the consecutive moments as they came and went. But nevertheless I accepted that in one passing moment, things were not the same as they would be in the next. And so I watched in amazement as my limbs grew, as my insides developed (for my skin at this point was quite transparent), and as my movement capabilities increased.
Eventually I perceived boredom—or the sense of having little with which to occupy the time. I was not aware of the great world outside of my womb; I only understood the world as I had yet seen it. Close, confining, with me as its only inhabitant and individual. Therefore I occupied my time with poking the wall of the uterus in various places to stimulate some often-comical reactions. If I reached out and tickled, or if I kicked, or if I shifted to just the right spot, I would hear a sudden sound, something which stimulated the organs I discovered on the sides of my head. And so in realizing boredom and causing these disturbances, I also came upon the concept of sound. It seemed from here on out that the world around me, though confining, possessed many fascinating aspects, more of which I expected to come upon as I grew.
More time came and went, and eventually I found myself becoming quite uncomfortable. I was no longer merely snug where I was. I had reached a point in my growth where the walls of my home seemed confining and oppressive. I became worried that my growth would reach a point where this tiny cell would be unable to contain my mass any longer—I would either burst free of it or be crushed.
Time went on, and eventually I realized something about my home. Through the membrane around my body, I could make out an exit below me in the bottom of the chamber. This, I reasoned, would be my escape route if it seemed that I would be unable to continue my growth within the confines of my home. It soon became apparent that this escape route would be necessary. I grew to the point where the fleshy membrane about me stretched and snapped wide open. I perceived that the warm fluid that had suspended me for months had flowed out of my chamber, through the passage at the bottom.
Now you must remember, Lord, that I had not thoughts such as this as I lay suspended in the place. These thoughts came later on, after I had entered the gates of your city and felt my soul become articulate, finally free of an under-developed brain. As it was then in the womb I could only experience a sense of what I thought. The best word I can conjure to describe them is notions. And so my notion as the warm fluid flowed out of the chamber around me was that this very well ought to be the time of my departure, since I no longer knew what to expect. For all I 'notioned', the very chamber itself might be next to collapse, and in doing so may have snuffed out my tiny life as I lay there vulnerable.
This I thought was actually going to happen, as I noticed the walls of my home contracting then. At regular intervals I would be forced down farther towards the exit, which had now grown many times its normal size. Therefore I turned my whole self around, wishing to emerge into the outer place head-first.
But then, as I did this, something unexpected happened. A new being entered my home. For the first time in my life I saw another individual, who could control his actions as I could, and then realised that perhaps out in the wider world, there would be many others like me. Yet perhaps not entirely like me, as this thing was certainly not. The creature (as I then thought it to be) was long and reflective. It's shaft was silvery, a color that I had not yet understood or had been in contact with. And upon the edge were pointed protrusions--much like my fingers, I reasoned. The being approached me slowly, and I noticed its fingers growing farther apart as it reached toward me.
Now I truly did not know what to expect. The notion running through my head at the time was that this being desired to meet me. Perhaps it also had never met another sentient before. Perhaps it made its home in another such chamber as my own down through the passage. And so as it drew nearer to me, and fastened its grip about my right leg, I reached out to touch it with my hand. It was very hard, quite different from my own soft skin. It tightened its grip on my leg somewhat.
Here I perceived a new feeling. Now I would call it pain (though I no longer live in close contact with it), but at the time it was strange and new, exciting and unexpected. It began with a prickling sensation where the 'fingers' met my flesh, and eventually grew into a firm pressure, magnified at the tips of those fingers. The emotion grew so intense that I tried to push the thing away. Perhaps it was unaware that I did not enjoy what it was doing. As I pushed, the pain only grew worse, to the point where I scarecely knew how my skin remained intact.
This fear was quickly obliged as my flesh tore. This new feeling coursed through my leg, up into my torso and then radiated throughout my whole body. I flailed desperately with my arms, but I had never before used them in this way. I would certainly never stop such a strong device from doing its work.
(Unedited and incomplete)
