The Alpine Terror reportedly “sort of” ruined Canada Day for the city of Calgary today. Sources indicate that the peril known as Sta-Au has put a damper on several Canada Days throughout Western Canada since the holiday was established in 1879 as Dominion Day, though most such occurrences have taken place since 1982, when it was renamed Canada Day.
According to eyewitnesses, Sta-Au paraded around the city acting like a jackass, and reputedly may have stolen candy from several small children. Almost all witnesses agree that he swore up a storm and made numerous disparaging references to Alpha Flight.
However, the Anti-Willie League’s President W. Franklin Shughart denounces these claims as pure “fucking” bullshit. “This has ‘hoax’ written all over it,” he said in an interview earlier today. “I killed Sta-Au myself, therefore he’s dead. I shoved him in front of a fucking Light Rail Train for Christ’s sake, it’s not like he could have survived. And what the fuck is ‘Canada Day’? Canada wouldn’t have a national holiday preceding our Independence Day by three days, you can’t fool me. I wasn’t born yesterday you know. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go put some pomade in my mustache,” the clean-shaven Shughart bafflingly added.
Though entirely discounted, this amusingly fake report of Sta-Au is still a fine thing for the AWL to publish on this slow news day, since Willie’s retirement and the AWL’s claimed plans of the past several weeks to disband “tomorrow”, makes any real news impossible.
The city of Belgique was once a thriving metropolis and the jewel of Mississippi. Many skilled craftsmen and learned people would flock to it, building a rich community within its sheltered valley walls. Some predicted its prosperity would outlast even that of the mighty Roman Empire of yesteryear, and it looked as if maybe it would. Then yesterday happened, a day that will live in infamy forever.
As nearly everyone the world over now knows, hordes loyal to the Goo Dimension launched a surprise invasion on Earth, starting with Belgique. Though it wasn’t through sheer force that they entered our dimension; it was their dry wit and Hollywood smiles that tricked the best and brightest Earth has to offer. “They promised to stop the only true threat to freedom left on this earth,” says W. Franklin Shughart, former president of the AWL. “To pass up such an offer would be un-American.”
Though the hordes were bravely fought off by Willie and his cohorts, the damage to Belgique was already done. With nearly half the city destroyed, an estimated 2.5 million citizens were left homeless by the battle. The remanning 1.2 million Belgiquians have gone without electricity and water. Sam Ashland of Belgique Gas and Electric (BG&E) says, “We at BG&E are working our hardest to restore electricity. We know it’s important for lonely teenagers to view Internet porn every night, and for senior citizens to forcefully chuckle at the antics of Ray Romano.”
Perhaps the most troubling effect of the Gooian attack is the disbanding of the AWL, the long-time protectors of Belgique from various fucktards. “It’s true, the AWL will be closing its doors by the end of the week,” says Shughart. The announcement comes on the heels of the retirement of former public enemy number one, Willie. “If we were to remain open without Willie, or a Willie-like creature, to pursue, we’d really just be wasting taxpayers’ money even more so than before.”
Governor Huggington has pledged to rebuild the ruins of Belgique, sparing no expense. The money for the reconstruction efforts has been pledged by the sovereigns of Mars, in addition to the whole of the former state of Alabama’s treasury. As for Alabama, Huggington has claimed its ashen landscapes as the property of Mississippi, renaming the territory Williamsland.
The people of Belgique have suffered through the city’s darkest hour, and came out of it nearly unscathed. With both Willie and the Gooians out of the picture it’ll be able to achieve that which Rome could not: rebuild and prosper, stronger than ever.
Early this morning an army of 100 Googles from Goo ambushed Willie outside his Belgique home. A knockdown drag-out fight of epic proportions then followed, destroying half of Belgique in the process.
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This afternoon members of the Belgique media were invited to the new AWL facilities, which were completed just yesterday. AWL press secretary Doug Sinclair showed off several of the new compounds within the facility, including the mini Thurse and Grubworm Muffinshop. When asked why such a thing would be included, Mr. Sinclair simply said “Us Willie hunters get real fucking hungry sometimes.” Perhaps the most impressive feature of the new compound is Dr. Fairweather’s state-of-the-art laboratory. The lab houses an inter-dimensional portal, prototype neutron death ray, and “a pretty kick-ass espresso machine,” says Sinclair.
Though the facilities don’t include the machine gunners’ nests or giant anti-Willie robot, the AWL is still pleased with what they have. “We finally have enough office space to house the some 3000 Belgiquians we employ or owe employment to,” said a jubilant W. Franklin Shughart. He also hinted at unleashing untold terrors upon Willie as soon as Wednesday, though wouldn’t specify in what way. No matter how you look at it, though, the new AWL facility can mean nothing but good things for the people of Belgique. “The age of Willie destroying and killing various things in Belgique is over! This is a new age,” added Shughart.
The long-running feud between our Savior Jesus and Zoroaster—some douche from overseas—ended late this afternoon in an epic shoot-out.
Bird watchers at John Prester Memorial Park stated that the skies themselves opened around 4:24 and the ponds began to boil. Around 4:30, Jesus and His army of warrior angels confronted Zoroaster outside the ice cream stand.
Onlookers claim it was Jesus who instigated the fight. “These so-called witnesses are clearly agents of the D´jinn allied with the fiend,” says AWL theology expert Roy Alphonso. It is these same witness who stated Zoroaster tried to dissipate the tension by talking Jesus down.
His pleas failed, though, once he told Jesus to “run home to Daddy,” which sent the Savior into a frenzy. “Did he ever go apeshit,” claims an anonymous source. Though Jesus sent wave after wave of warrior angel at him, the battle-hardened Zoroaster firmly stood his ground.
Zoroaster took down a handful of angels with his pair of modified Colt 45s, but his supply of ammo quickly diminished. At that point he switched to a scimitar, leaving a pile of delimbed angels in his wake.
After an hour of intense battle the only enemy for Zoroaster to face was Jesus Himself.
Though saddened by the unexpected deaths of the hundreds of angels He brought with him, Jesus stood firm against Zoroaster. Reports indicate Jesus removed His robe and vowed to take Zoroaster apart with his bare hands. This in turn made the foolish Zoroaster drop his scimitar and tell Jesus to “bring it on.”
It would seem that this was a ploy by our clever Savior, who then removed an unspecified handgun that was taped to His back and shot out both of Zoroaster’s knees. He then reportedly walked towards the fallen Zoroaster, apparently with the intention of killing him executioner-style.
“Jesus was all, ‘Give my regards to Ahura’ and then put the gun to Zoroaster’s head. But Zoroaster was all, ‘Tell him yourself’, and he pulled out this curved dagger and slashed off Jesus’ hand. Then he stabbed Him, it was awesome!!” says the anonymous witness.
Zoroaster then rose to his feet, shoving Jesus to the ground in the process, and fled the scene.
It was the swamp terror Willie who held Jesus as He died. “Zoroaster made a huge fucking mistake today,” said the threat moments after Jesus’ death. “Not only did he kill my best friend, but he totally wrecked the park. I was going to do that today, god dammit!!” The threat then vowed to avenge the death of his friend, and flew off into the blood-red sky.
This is not only a dark day for Belgique, but perhaps the darkest of all for mankind.
Jesus H. Christ
A.D. 1 - A.D. 2004
While attempting to access the popular Google search engine, Willie stumbled upon something that changed his life forever.
“I was trying to get onto Google so I could see some hot photos of Jennifer Garner’s fine ass,” says a shaken threat. “Only when the page came up it was the Googles from Goo, not Google.” Though it wasn’t what he was looking for, the adventurous Willie decided to enter the site anyway.
Once inside the main page, however, he saw something that would scar him, possibly forever. “What the fuck are those things supposed to be?” he reportedly shouted, before throwing his computer across the room out of fear that they would somehow leap out of the screen at him.
Willie now refuses to leave his shack for the time being, in case the AWL should find a way to hire a number of Googles to combat him. “Such a prospect is entirely possible,” says AWL scientist Dr. Fairweather. He then resolved to begin work on the project once the new AWL facilities are completed.
“Willie is so fucked this time,” adds Dr. Fairweather.
During last night’s address to the Belgique public, AWL president W. Franklin Shughart told of how he and an elite force of AWL offiers captured Willie a few months ago.
Shughart claims that they pursued Willie into the deepest reaches of the swamp and cornered him. After an intense battle, in which “many assholes done died”, Willie was sedated and captured.
However, much to their disappointment, Shughart found himself in his office laying on a couch some time thereafter. A captured Willie was nowhere to be seen, and Shughart had no recollection of how he exited the swamp after the capture.
“It is my firm belief that Willie was freed by none other than TIME TRAVELERS,” said Shughart in his address.
When questioned this morning about his statments he had this to say: “Yeah, we caught the fucker, but these cocksucking time travelers showed up and set him free.”
Though the AWL has yet to show any evidence of travelers tampering with our timeline, they remain firm with their story. “Shit, would we lie to you assholes? Fuck no. There’s no evidence ’cause the time travelers made it so it didn’t happen. Christ you’re retarded,” says AWL PR officer Doug Sinclair.
When the Belgique Biweekly Telegraph Sun asked Willie if he recalled these events, he seemed shocked and furious. “What the fuck are you fuckers doing asking me questions during tea-time?” asked the threat.
After barely escaping with our lives, we returned at the top of the 5 o’clock hour. This time Willie seemed to have no recollection of the prior hour. “I haven’t the foggiest as to what you’re referring to,” he stated.
Willie’s statements only provide further evidence that time tampering has occurred, not only in the past, but in the present as well. If this is the case, then in this reporter’s opinion the whole lot of us are fucked.
The Anti-Zebulon Society (AZS) captured and eliminated the so-called “Northern Menace” after a mere 2 years of hunting.
Zebulon begun terrorizing the Great Lakes region 2 1/2 years ago. After months of livestock killings throughout the Ohio township of Vinland, local farmers begun worrying their families might be next. Retired sheriff Guy Rogan then took it upon himself to stop the menace by creating the Anti-Zebulon Society.
After nearly 2 years of tracking the beast, their hard work paid off. Reports were made to the AZS that Zebulon was heckling local comedians at the Laugh Machine in Petersburg, IN. Agents were immediately dispatched to the scene and easily captured the beast with a net-gun.
The beast was tried the next day in a Petersburg court and found guilty of 15 acts of first-degree murder and was sentenced to death. His execution was fast tracked and carried out this afternoon, thus ending the menace of Zebulon.
“I owe this great victory to my colleagues, each one of them is an expert in his or her field, and we wouldn’t have been successful without them,” says the AZS director. “Maybe we can head down south now and take care of their Willie problem,” he adds, throwing in a hearty laugh.
When Anti-Willie League (AWL) president W. Franklin Shughart caught wind of these statements he called the AZS “a bunch of fuckers”. “We’ve been doing this for nearly a decade and don’t need the help of some damyankee upstarts,” says Shughart.
Despite the statements by the AWL, Rogan plans to send his top field agent to Mississippi to investigate. “We’ve already done a great service to the people around the Great Lakes, now it’s time to help the less fortunate folks of Belgique.”
AWL press officer Doug Sinclair announced today that construction on the new state-of-the-art AWL facilities will begin this weekend. The facilities, which include a laboratory, inquisition chamber, and offices, will be built upon the ruins of the former AWL office. The mayor of Belgique has also put an additional 12 acres of land at their disposal should the need it.
“It’s [the main office building] gonna have anti-air missiles in case Willie should attack by air, giant 20-foot robot sentries guarding it at all times, and 4 machine-gunners’ nests every 2 floors for ultimate protection,” says Sinclair about plans for the building. He adds, “Mr. Shughart designed the main building himself.”
Though the offices will have all the comforts of a 25th-century army base, no sprinklers will be installed in case another fire should start. “Who needs sprinklers when we’ve got huge fucking robots?” Shughart declared flippantly.
The facilities should be completed by next week thanks to the help of several construction elves from parts unknown.
The last duck in Belgique was killed today by local hunter Joey “Starburst” Edwards. “I was going to take the trash out when I seen this duck fly out of the swamp,” says Mr. Edwards. He continues, “I done knew it had just got top secret plans from Willie, so I shot it with my AWL issued rifle.”
Mandate 471 was passed last October to combat all ducks and related species, which Willie was conspiring with. The news that the avian menace has finally been thwarted pleased city officials and the AWL alike.
“We in City Hall are quite pleased by the news, we’ll be giving Starburst the key to the city tomorrow afternoon,” said Belgique mayor John Morimura. AWL press officer Doug Sinclair praised the success of the mandate the AWL helped to write. “FUCK YEAH, and all those other states and cities thought giving guns to children and drunkards was a bad idea. We showed you.”
“Let them enjoy their minor victory,” Governor Huggington said when told the news. He continues, “The use of ducks was but one small part of our larger plans. Soon the skies will be full of eagles and the streets of emus, and both will be for our greater cause.”
Though it’s clear we’re fucked after hearing the Governor’s comments, the town of Belgique will sleep soundly tonight, free from the unspeakable horrors the ducks would have surely brought if not for the brave efforts of Mr. Edwards and many others. We salute you gentlemen.
AWL president W. Franklin Shughart has proven once and for all his monster-hunting competence, after slaying Sta-au, better known as the Canadian Willie.
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Around two o’clock this afternoon the main floor of the AWL headquarters in downtown Belgique went up in flames.
The fire supposedly started when the AWL office pet, Giblet the monkey, accidentally knocked a fondue pot full of piping hot cheese off a desk. The pot reportedly fell into a nearby mail cart and went ablaze immediately. “You think we’d notice a huge fire behind us,” says AWL treasurer Beatrice Portinari, “but I guess we were busy looking under desks and behind couches for Willie.”
It was nearly twenty minutes before the ever-observant Dr. Horatio Fairweather noticed something was amiss. “I was working on a new monstrosity when I realized it was rather hot in the building,” says the good doctor. He continues, “At first I thought someone simply turned the heater way up, but when I went to check, the wall wasn’t there. I did however find a large fire.” Shortly thereafter the entire building was evacuated.
Though the staff had to watch their beloved building burn to the ground, they found peace knowing that only one of them seemingly died. “It was just that Tim Schouten guy anyway, and he was a real fucktard, so meh,” says Dr. Fairweather. Ms. Portinari adds, “Mr. Shughart is going to be really pissed when he gets back from Canada. He’s been planning to beat the shit out of Schouten when he least expects it for weeks.”
Construction on the new AWL offices is expected to begin once Mr. Shughart gets back in town. For the time being, the AWL will work out of the Thurse and Grubworm Muffin Shop uptown. A full investigation into the fire has been deemed “a waste of taxpayers’ money” and won’t occur.
In the early hours of the morning, AWL president W. Franklin Shughart stated there were urgent matters in Calgary, Canada he must attend to. Shughart requested $440 from Mayor John Morimura to use for airfare, which was begrudgingly given to him. “How could I deny such a great man such a nominal fee?” said the mayor.
Though it is unclear at this time the true nature of the trip, we wish him good luck. “You have no need of failure,” said Shughart before boarding his flight. A full account of his trip can be expected upon his return to Mississippi.
AP—The Anti-Willie League (AWL) website, which celebrated its one-year anniversary yesterday, continues to only amuse its founders.
The site was founded last April by two youths, William F. Shughart III and Matthew J. Eaton, who had had enough of the pitfalls of cryptozoology. “Cryptozoology was something we both loved, and then it attracted a bunch of morons and poopy heads,” says Eaton. Shughart adds, “That’s when we decided to mock it to no end.”
The site did just that for its first few articles, as well as the beloved AWL Timeline. After this point it turned into a commentary on world and national events with the publishing of “Civil War Protest Over A Century Late”. “That’s when we really hit our stride,” says Eaton.
An overall story, nay, a world started to form when a full-fledged cast of characters was introduced, the most famous of which, Lord Huggington, was introduced in “Willie’s Pal Lord Huggington” last spring. Many others followed, including John le Fucker, Horatio Fairweather, and the controversial Hitlersaurus.
Wheather it be their magnum opus “Willie Defeats Hitler In Fisticuffs” or the hated “Willie’s Vacation In Daru el-Bawar So-So, Despite Being Free”, the AWL site is loved by 2 people, 3 tops, the continent over. “I don’t think we could ask for anything more, really. We are blessed,” exclaimed Shughart.
The AWL site can be found in the deepest reaches of the web, or at http://continue.to/theawl.
Despite Willie’s March 8 announcement that he would consume the entire state of Delaware within the following week, a recent survey indicates that nobody has really been wondering what ever became of the first state. In fact, most weren’t even aware of Delaware’s existence.
Just when editors of the Belgique Times Inquirer Herald had forgotten all about Willie’s Delaware foray of last month, they received an Associated Press dispatch from Dover—the state’s capital, according to local Geography Bee winner Allan Haggard—detailing just what Willie managed to accomplish.
Delaware was completely eaten between March 9 and March 16. Each of Delaware’s three counties—New Castle, Kent, and Sussex—was successively drowned in ranch dressing and then consumed. Delaware is now proud to be the first state to exist in Willie’s stomach.
“Though we’ve been smothered in ranch dressing and eaten like a common salad, we are still thriving,” said Delaware Governor Ruth Ann Minner. Minner’s Senate Bill 231 was recently passed, allocating $9 million for textbooks and computer equipment to Delaware’s public schools. “Though they will grow up in the dank, lightless, acidic environment of Willie’s stomach and, later on, intestines, our children will be well-educated with the most up-to-date materials available,” Minner added.
Delaware’s Senator Nancy Cook and House Representative Joseph G. DiPinto agreed wholeheartedly. Even Willie gladly agreed to swallow the money for distribution to Delaware’s school districts.
“Eating Delaware is one of the best things I’ve ever done,” says Willie. “Though in retrospect, it really would have been better with a vinaigrette of some kind. Delawareans and ranch don’t complement each other well. I had to step over to Virginia and drink the entire Potomac to wash the flavor out of my mouth.”
Upon hearing the news, AWL president W. Franklin Shughart was overjoyed. “So that’s why I couldn’t find Delaware on the map,” he exclaimed.
Delaware is to be returned to its former location once Willie is finished digesting it.
The fair town of Belgique awoke this morning to find its prized statue of famed citizen John Prester, in John Prester Memorial Park, defiled. The tools of destruction? Eggs, toilet paper, and even spray-paint. Numerous beer bottles were also found on the premises.
“This is the work of vandals,” Mayor John Morimura stated. “It saddens me to think that we have such irresponsible and destructive people in our city. I only hope that the perpetrators will step forward and confess, that they may be subjected to the standard sentence for vandalism, a nominal fine and up to eight hours in pillory.”
Other Belgiquites didn’t take the news so calmly.
“Holy fuck,” stated an obviously anxious Willie. “The Vandals have invaded dear, innocent Belgique! What barbarian force is next? The Goths? The Thugs? Is our city doomed to come to ruin in the hands of savages, as once was Vale Romæ?”
Added Willie, “I shall send envoys to the swamp monsters of the furthest outposts of Mississippi, such as Picayune, perhaps Biloxi as well, that we may unite against the marauding barbarians. The Vandals must be stopped!”
Anti-Willie League representatives indicate that Willie is “blowing the situation way the fuck out of proportion.” “Willie’s just an idiot,” Willie behavior expert Jane Fabre stated. President W. Franklin Shughart added that “We’re not being invaded by Vandals, and nobody’s getting sacked. Except that fucker Tim Schouten.”
Reverend Thou-Shalt-Not-Commit-Adultery Newbogher’s sermon last Sunday at the Belgique First Baptist Church on Quagmire Boulevard contained a blatant misquotation of Leviticus, according to sporadic attendee and local drunkard Bubba Asplund.
Asplund, 43, turned in equal measure to the Baptist Church and alcohol after his divorce of five years ago. Now, however, he says he is considering switching to one of Belgique’s eighty-seven other Baptist churches, and possibly even converting to one of the seventy-five other sects represented in Belgique.
“I just can’t believe Reverend Newbogher would lie to us like that,” Asplund said. “He clearly stated that Leviticus 19:27 commands ‘If the swamp monster called Willie taketh up residence in thy town, he shall be put to death.’ However, while reading my Bible in hopes of finding salvation therein later on, I happened to notice that the verse in question actually states ‘You shall not round off the hair on your temples or mar the edges of your beard.’ What the hell’s with that?”
“Incidentally,” he added, “I guess Newbogher’s going to hell for that goatee.”
The Reverend Newbogher solemnly intoned in the general direction of reporters that “I am sorry to lose a member of my flock. I do not know what version of the Holy Bible our Mr. Asplund owns, but I have made no mistakes in reading mine to the congregation.”
Asplund also expressed doubt as to whether “any of that homosexuality stuff” is really to be found in the Bible, referring to the previous week's sermon. “Who knows what else Reverend Newbogher’s making up? You know, I can’t find Jesus mentioned in here anywhere.” It was then pointed out to Asplund that he was reading a copy of the Torah.
The AWL confessed today that its April 1 headline was nothing more than an April Fools’ Day joke. Belgiquers who were concerned about the tomatoes, zucchinis, and other vegetables grown in the greenhouse of Starburst and Rachel Edwards should be delighted to hear that the vegetable garden is just fine.
“We were willing participants in the joke,” admits Rachel. “I hope nobody was hurt by the shocking ‘news’ that our vegetables had been eaten.”
“Ba´al Junior really was barking that night,” Starburst added. “But it was just in response to the barking of some other neighborhood dogs.”
“In the spirit of the holiday we thought it would be jolly good to make the fraudulent claim that the Edwards’ garden was no more,” says Treasurer Beatrice Portinari, speaking for President W. Franklin Shughart and Vice-President Matthew J. Eaton, neither of whom were available for comment. “April Fools!”
Some Belgique citizens are none too pleased to have read the heart-stopping account of the eating of the Edwards’ vegetables, only to find out that it was an hoax.
“Don’t believe everything you read, I guess, especially if it was printed on April 1st,” said local butcher Mark Goodwin. When asked, he added that he’d acquired this wise caveat from the periodical Newsweek.
The AWL formally promised to never again use their news service for the promotion of fraudulent information regarding vegetables or other food plants.
Anti-Willie League agents have finally captured the threat called Willie. As of 1:00 A.M. the hated swamp monster is being held in captivity for questioning later today and, eventually, prosecution in a court of law.
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