Effect on the family
They are the victim not you! They will admit they are at fault to an extend but before the conversation is over, they are the victim.† That is all they can see, everyone is picking on them. They canít see the spouse who walks the floor watching the clock. Peeking out the door to see if they are coming home. They canít feel the depression the spouse is suffering not knowing when the phone will ring with a policeman on the other end. Hearing the words ďIíve lost my job, Iím in jail, Iím in the hospital, I killed someone tonight.Ē Not knowing where to look for them should they not make it home? What if they are laying in a ditch bleeding to death? What if they have blacked out? The horror of the mental stress is not something I can find words to convey. The parents of both sides suffer as well. The parents of the alcoholic worry about their child. The parents of the non-alcoholic worry about their child as well.† All feeling helpless, which they are, because no one but the alcoholic can fix the problem. The children see and hear the arguing among the parents. They see hurt, the lies, the broken promises and the tears. They become afraid, clinging to the non-alcoholic parents. It can get somewhat sever, to the point where they wonít go to the bathroom alone. They wonít play away from the parent that makes them feel safe.† They are temperamental, cry at nothing, get their feelings hurt quickly.† Just because they are young, even without words, they know something is wrong. Your mood affects their mood. They can see depression in your face. One day, my son was a little over two and I sat rocking him, tears rolling down my face he asked ď why are you crying? You donít have to cry no more, Iíll take care of you mommaĒ They think they can fix it or they are the reason for the problem. That is so sad. Then because of the stress the alcoholic is causing, often the child gets the blunt end of the anger the other parents is feeling. Then the guilt of letting the stress get to the parents who is dealing with the alcoholic and taking their frustration out on the child eats them alive. Sometimes all you can do is cry till you can cry no more. You are fighting this with all you have, doctors, meds, but it seems a waste of effort.† To be perfectly honest, it is a waste of effort unless the alcoholic wants to change. Itís a disease that has to be dealt with, one that there is no cure for. One that passesís to the children sometimes. It takes a lot of love to continue to fight for this person. A lot of patience, a lot of heartache and stress. But more than anything it takes the alcoholic wanting to make the change. One other note that might be something to think about, if you are one of those people whoís pride is an issue. Be sure that you canít hide your spouseís addiction. It will show in your face. What I mean by this is the stress ageís you fast. My spouse found a picture of me the year before we got married and didnít know whom the pretty lady was, she disappeared and was replaced with wrinkles, droopy eyes and sadness in her face.
Living alone with someone.
If you like privacy to the max then you picked the right person. You spend most of your time alone, the alcoholic doesnít want your company when they go anywhere. You are made to feel like a third wheel, an inconvenience. If you do go it causeís a cold atmosphere both on the way there and once you get there. To be honest and this is just my feelings, ďWhy even bother getting married? If they want to do everything alone, whatís the purpose of marriage?Ē When your child is the only person who wants anything to do with you, who needs marriage? You become disgusted with yourself, you become a nagging person, not because you want to but because you have no choice. †Your life is miserable, the alcoholic is miserable and your childís life is insecure. For that matter there is no security in the relationship at all.
I am a good provider; I give y o everything you want! †
Each time and argument arises I hear the above statement. What do you say; it gets hard sometimes to tell them the truth. The truth is they do provide but they take more than their share. They take from the income so often that you are afraid to spend anything other than for necessities because you know somewhere down the line they are going to take what little of the budget is left and blow it. Either with your knowledge or without it.
This is a subject that makes me cringe. This isnít an easy decision, there are grandparents to consider, especially if your child is their only grandchild. What effect will it have on them if you move away with their little angel? What will this do to the alcoholicís relationship with them? Will they be able to handle the depression that this will bring? Will the alcoholic crawl into a bottle and fall into a deep depression? It seems all the weight of this burden falls on the shoulders of the non-alcoholic parents shoulders. This isnít fair, but that is how it is. If you love your in-laws this is gut wrenching, †do you keep living like this or hurt them?