Have you ever met someone, and it turns out that they coincidentally have the same name as you do? Or, you meet someone, and when they introduce themselves you realize they have the same exact name as one of your friends. To make that occasion even worse, sometimes it is the friend with the same name as your new acquaintance introducing the person! HOW ANNOYING IS THAT?

Let me show you an example of how those situations play out when I’m involved:
Kevin--(the old friend) “Hey Jared how’s it going I’d like ya’ to meet my friend here!”
Me-- “Hey how ya’ doin’? My names Jared.” Acquaintance-- “Hey my names Kevin! I’m good how about yourself?
Me-- “I’m good....(turning to my old friend) but...your...Kevin...I...uhh...your both..huh?” Then comes an awkward chuckle shared within the group.

Do you see how badly that went? Now, imagine that situation involving the entire world, every time someone else met someone new. I shutter at this thought, there has to be other people like myself who handle those situations poorly. However, these situations led me to some deep thinking about the world’s system of names. Thus, I discovered the origin of the “nickname.”

In the roughly (10) minutes of thinking involved in writing this conspiracy theory, I searched my mind for any knowledge of nicknames. Everything from “Tiger,” to “The Great Bambino,” darted in and out, across my mind. But questions arose, “How were these nicknames created? Why are these nicknames and not real names?”

Questions....questions...questions....

To answer these questions, I had to think of how actual names got started in the first place. Way back when the spoken language was forming from grunts and moans into comprehensible words. Then, as the language formed to everyone’s horror....they all had the same name!!! Women, men, and children all named a series of grunts grunted right in a row. After some research I found that the most likely interpretation of the most original name is “ooo-eee-ugh-ah-ya.” Those poor souls, take pity folks...

Thus began, the process of changing other grunts and moans into actually names...for the entire world. It is my theory that wherever this occurred, it occurred in the south-western part of that place. When it comes down to it, all south-western parts are for the most part the same. Funnier hats, funnier accents, funnier shoes, and the best damn nicknames ever! Anyway, slowly but surely people began to give themselves real names. But, there again were problems that stood in the way of real names.

There were only a select amount of letters in the new language. That left only a select amount of names to choose from. Think of the most common names out, Bob.....Joe....Tom. Those have to be the first names...remaining common even today. However, that’s only three names! So, the problem wasn’t solved only mildly decreased. In addition, think of the poor girls...most of them named Bob.

Therefore, adjectives were given as the language grew to make each name different. Funny men and women were actually called “Hah Bob.” As “hah” is actually more of a grunt than a word so they it was around pre alphabet. Adding “hah” to names didn’t cause that much more of a problem, as funny men and women were few and far between back then. Even Carrot Top would be hilarious in those times, he of course would still get beat up on a regular basis as he does now though.

Anyway, over years and years as the alphabet grew and languages formed, names came about. But, the next time someone calls you “slugger,” or “champ,” think back to how that was really created.

So, to answer those questions:

Nicknames came from the growth of languages across the world.
Nicknames aren’t really considered names because they aren’t the names we were given at birth, just names that attached themselves to us as we develop into individuals. However, way back when, names were actually nicknames...and nicknames were actually nick-nicknames.

Why are nicknames called nicknames? I suppose the guy who realized that everyone needed new names was named Nick. Simple as that, and why not?

(Keep in mind, folks, that Jared is not very proud of this one. Let's forgive his incoherent ramblings this time. But Jared, if you ever repeat this mistake, the people may not be so kind again...)

(Yes, folks, polease forgive this very weak, incoherent conspiracy theory. I promise you, it will not happen again. I began to write it at 4 a.m, then I woke later that morning at 9 a.m and finished it. By the way, Alex, they aren't just people.... they're FANS.)

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