Prologue:
This is the first in my set of conspiracy theories for you to dive into. It is one of a more
popular topic for the “hipsters”--AlIeN’s (from outer-space of course!) Ok. Now, most of
you reading this have already disregarded these conspiracies as general Jared hoo-hah. For the most
part...that’s true. But, honestly, take a serious look into my extreme, laughable, nearly unbearable
theories.
TO BEGIN!
The first of my theories starts with a popular television series you’ll most likely recognize:
The Simpsons (a new episode every Sunday at 8!). Anyway, in The Simpsons (if you don’t know)
there are five main characters:
Homer S.--the butter lovin’ husband and father
Marge S.--the God fearing/wannabe good Christian wife and mother
Bart S.-- the smart-ass whipper snapper son and brother
Lisa S.-- the ONLY smart one of the group, daughter and sister
Maggie S.-- the binky lovin’ daughter and sister
In the episode under scrutiny, Bart with the “help” of some navy officials starts a boy-band. The
group consists of Bart, Millhouse, Nelson and Ralph (maybe there was another kid, but he doesn’t
matter anyway). The group, like ALL boy-band groups doesn’t write their own lyrics or music...much less
pay attention to them. That’s where the handy naval officials enter. The officials write the lyrics,
and the band, like all good tools, sings them for anyone who will listen. However, when
sung, the lyrics contain messages, not even very subliminal messages at that. The messages are
pretty straight forward and obvious. For example, a song of theirs might be “The Navy Is The
Best Thing Ever....And I Love You” or something like “Join The Navy! ....(You’re The Only Girl
For Me).” In other words the messages in the lyrics tell the audience to join the Navy. When
prepubescent girls hear the songs, Bart and boy-bands popularity explodes and it soon equals that
of N*SYNC’s (as they guest star on this episode.) This brings us to the first conspiracy. After
all this babble (squak, jibber-jabber, etc....) here it is: The popular boy-band N*SYNC is run by
the government to stupefy the youth of the nations (and musically challenged adults that can be
found in such places as California, etc..)
There are several reasons to believe this conspiracy theory, folks. For Petes’ sake, they
were on the Simpsons episode in which it happened!!! But, beyond the obvious, there are signs to
prove this part of my theory true...all too true (cue creepy music).
Beyond the realm of reasonability, and beyond the obvious there are facts
revealing N*SYNC as a government controlled (absolutely de-li-cious ) device. Now,
this part does take some thinking folks, so THINKING CAPS ON (Dunce caps do not suffice
under these circumstances, it HAS been tried.). Ok, the government is very secretive, and they are
very, VERY insistent on keeping their secrets secret. But, what happens when one of those
secrets is somehow leaked out, and people don’t agree with it? An uprising! That’s what happens,
attempted anarchy! So kids, (with your thinking caps on) what does the government (the Fuzz’s
Fuzz) not want to happen? One of those troublesome uprisings is what!
Back to the point, the government wants the public to stay situated, and where they are.
They want nothing more than America and most other nations to become addicted to Mickie D’s
and rental movies. They never want you to find out what the Fuzz’s Fuzz has truly been up to all
these years. Thus, a problem presented itself: how to keep the majority of the people situated and
satisfied in their everyday lives (bliss in ignorance). So, the government contacted an up and
coming group that called themselves, N*SYNC. For a price, they bought N*SYNC and all the
rights to their songs. In addition, for that (undisclosed) price they bought the writer of their
songs...whichever music executive it might be. The government bought him out to only write
songs for the band, that sound EXACTLY THE SAME. The redundancy of their cheesy-“We’re
the largest tools to ever hit the charts!”-songs would stupefy the majority of the public--teenage
girls. The redundancy of their songs would eventually promote redundancy and routines in
everyday life. Then after years and years, the public will become so jaded that anything on the
news (signs of government conspiracy, etc..) won’t even be noticed!
However, you may be asking yourself: “Well there are other boy-bands, right? So, why
did the government choose N*SYNC? And what are the other boy-bands....are they actually
that lame?”
These questions, I can answer.
Yes, unfortunately there are other boy-bands to rival N*SYNC. The government singled
out N*SYNC and chose them to lead the nation into unforeseen, unknown, a whole brand-new
realm of stupidity because ..lets face it, the are the most influential boy-band out there (not to
mention they’re good looks, flirtatious personalities, and overwhelming charm). They
have surpassed their forefathers (New Kids On The Block) in record sales, looks , and
merchandise. I imagine that this mission was proposed way back when the New Kids On The
Block reigned supreme in the hearts of young, prepubescent girls. However, due to their aging
looks, immense facial hair, brains, and DUMB tunes the boys remained inadequate for the
mission. Anyway, N*SYNC was chosen before they broke out onto the US scene to secure that
their lyrics and songs would remain redundant and never (ever) evolve. However, the government
knew that they would be the most influenical boy-band in America when they saw what they did
to the young ladies in Europe. And, if you are going to use a boy-band to stupefy nations, why
not use the best?
Finally, for all those curious....YES, THE OTHER BOY-BANDS ARE THAT LAME!!!!
Come on, what did you expect me to say? That they were all undercover and working for the
government too? Get real folks, these are conspiracy theories, not the Twilight Zone. The
other bands are all fella’s in tap dance shoes (Prada...f.y.i) The other groups are just poor souls
trying to either get rich, or famous, or both by following an incomprehensible trend. They are
that stupid folks, and brace yourself I don’t know when they will go away.
