Uncontrolled Passion

By Sarah Milks

 

Why did the blood-stained sheets that burned turn quite so cold

My only crime was passion wild and uncontrolled

 

--From “The Case Continues” as performed by Ute Lemper

 

 

            I don’t know why the darkness surprised me so much.  It was what I had been seeking.  Darkness.  Escape.  Time by myself away from all the madness.  Yet there I was, on the Lothlorien set, surprised by how black the moonless sky really was.

            I had left the wrap party less than an hour after it had begun.  As close as I had grown to some of the cast and crew, they still didn’t seem to understand.  This was an ending of eighteen incredible months for them.  It meant they could go home, back to their respective cities and countries around the world.  Not me.  No, I’d be staying right here.  Here in the New Zealand that they’d grown to love as a nice place to visit.  This was my home.

            It wouldn’t have been so bad had the relationships I’d made during filming turned out differently.  I could have gone back to my normal life without such sadness.  As it were, that would be impossible.  My only reason for smiling was leaving on the first plane he could get.

            Falling in love with Orlando Bloom had never really been the plan.  But it had happened none the less.  He hadn’t been on set for a week before I’d completely given my heart over to him.  Both playing Elves, we had spent a considerable amount of time together.  When I could pull him away from the rest of The Fellowship, that is.  Those damn Hobbits.  Elijah Wood with his come-fuck-me blue eyes.  Orli never stopped talking about him.  Wouldn’t even miss me now that he was leaving.  He had Elijah to keep him occupied.

            I sighed as I ran my hand down the rugged bark of the tree underneath which Orlando had first kissed me.  God, it was brilliant.  More than I ever could have hoped for.  I had melted into those thin but strong arms, wanting to give him all of myself.  I would have made love to him right there had he let me.  But he hadn’t.  God forbid someone see Craig Parker wrapped in the arms of Orlando Bloom.  What would they think?  What would they say?  They probably would have said I was crazy.  I wouldn’t have listened.

            The kid was six years my junior and I had let him take complete and total control of me.  Whatever he wanted, I did.  How I loved him.  For a while I even thought he might return the feelings.  But I never saw it in his eyes.  Elijah was always number one.  I was just his toy.

            I could have exposed Orlando to Lij.  Told him what a lying cheat he was.  Given him in depth descriptions of our sex life.  But I didn’t.  Not because I cared about Elijah.  Because I knew it would mean losing Orlando.  And losing Orlando just wasn’t a possibility.  I would die without him.  I was going to die.

            “Why?” I asked the unmoving trees, feeling the tears begin.  “Why?”

            I could have fallen for anyone but Orlando.  Viggo, maybe.  Hugo, even.  But no, I had chosen to give my heart to a man that didn’t want it.  A man that wouldn’t have known what to do with it even if he had wanted it.

            “Craig?”

            I nearly jumped out of my skin at the unexpected intrusion.  No one was supposed to be here.  I had to do this in solitude.  I couldn’t see him in the darkness but the voice was all I needed.

            “Yes, Orlando?”

            He moved closer until I could vaguely make out the outline of his body.  “What’re you doing, mate?  It’s bloody dark out here.”

            “Saying goodbye,” I replied.

            His hand reached out and gripped my shoulder.  It lingered there for a while before slowly sliding down my arm.  I could feel each of his fingertips exclusively as they intertwined with mine.  Had it not been so dark I would have seen that telltale sparkle in his chocolate eyes.  I would have noticed the contrast of my pale skin against his olive complexion.  I would have seen the love that I always thought wasn’t there.

            “How ‘bout one last hooray then, love?”  His voice was husky with what I assumed was need.  But I knew he would never need me as much as I needed him.

            “Won’t Elijah be missing you?”  I was in physical pain as the words passed over my lips.  Elijah couldn’t have him.  I wouldn’t let him.

            “For once just shut up about him, Craig.  I’m here, aren’t I?  I left the party for you.  I knew you’d be here.  Don’t ruin this with whining about Elijah.”

            Before I could respond, he was kissing me.  Hard, as was common with Orlando.  His tongue held no reservations as it slipped over my teeth.  No battling of power took place.  I forfeited myself to him at once.  I was his.  And, I realized, he was mine.  His erection grinding into my hip spoke plainly of that.  This was how it had to stay.  Forever.

            When his fingers slipped into my short, spiky hair, mine curved around his neck.  He was close enough now to where I could see him open his eyes in surprise.  I smiled against his mouth and tightened my grip.  “Mine,” I whispered.  “You’re mine.”

            Instinctively, his hands left my hair to grab at my wrists.  The jagged fingernails I always told him not to bite dug into my skin.  His fear was almost palpable.  But his erection hadn’t gone away.  His knees began to buckle and I gripped harder. 

            “No,” he tried to speak, pulling his mouth just centimeters from mine.  It came out as more of a groan.  His nails continued to scrape, drawing tiny rivulets of dark crimson blood.

            “Yes,” I insisted, laying him on the ground as he grew weaker.  “He can’t have you.  I won’t let Elijah have you.”

            “Lij?” he gasped.  Confusion marred his young features and I realized he was crying.  I didn’t want to cause him pain.  But I was crying, too.  Finally an emotion we felt together.  “No.”  His breathing was becoming weaker but I didn’t let him go.  “No,” he said again.  “No…Lij…love.”  His eyes pleaded with me to understand.  I didn’t stop.

            “I love you,” I said over and over again as his hands finally stopped fighting.  He lay limp beneath my hold, his mouth twisted in a sad frown and his eyes now permanently devoid of sparkle.  “You’re mine.”

            I swallowed hard and forced myself to my feet.  I saw the bruises beginning to form on his tender neck.  He looked so beautiful.  Pity, not even the moon would be able to stand witness to this scene.  The stars had lost their twinkle long ago.  I stumbled a few steps away from his lifeless body, fumbling in my pocket as I went.  My fingers closed around the tiny pistol I had hidden there earlier in the day, knowing I couldn’t go on without him.  Now I could go on with him.

            I took the gun from my pocket, never looking at it.  My eyes stayed focused on Orlando.  I found joy in knowing that I had succeeded.  Elijah could never have him now.  He truly was mine.

            I felt the coolness of the metal as I pressed it against my temple.  I never even thought twice.  We would be together now.  “Forever,” I whispered, those sad brown eyes staring back at me.

            Then I pulled the trigger.