Life Still Loves A Tragedy

By Kat Waters

 

 

            Julie poured herself a glass of iced tea and collapsed onto the couch, looking out the window and soaking in the quiet.  She knew the silence wouldn’t last long and that she had to take advantage of it while she could.  She had spent the entire morning cleaning the apartment and her studio, which had been no easy task, and had made a mental note that there was no reason to find Barbie clothes on the studio floor.

 

            Just then, the door to the apartment swung in and a little girl came bouncing in.  “Hi, Mommy!” she said brightly, running over to the couch and climbing up to sit next to Julie.

 

            “Hiya, puss,” Julie said, and tousled the little girl’s hair.  She glanced up at the doorway.  “Thanks again for doing this, Sarah.”

 

            “You don’t need to thank me every time,” Sarah replied, laughing.  “That’s what neighbors are for.  I’ll be here in the morning to take her.” 

 

            “You’re a lifesaver,” Julie said, and Sarah left.  She turned back to her daughter. “How was school, Devon?”

 

            “It was fun,” Devon replied, handing her mother a wrinkled piece of construction paper.  “I drew a cat!”

 

            Julie took the paper from her and smiled.  “It’s a beautiful cat,” she said.  “Come on, let’s go hang it on the fridge.”  She rose to her feet and walked into the kitchen with Devon close behind her.  They hung the picture together with some refridgerator magnets.  “Okay, puss,” Julie said.  “Go wash your hands and face, and put your stuff away while I make you a snack.”

 

            “Okay,” Devon said and bounded out of the room.

 

            Julie opened a cabinet and pulled out a package of Oreo cookies, wondering just how she’d gotten through the last five years.  Even though her father had done more than take care of her by setting her up with an apartment and photography studio in New York City, raising Devon by herself had been nearly impossible.  More than once Julie had found herself crying in bed at night, one sob away from trying to contact Bret or Sebastian, but she had always stopped herself before she made the call.  They had made their positions abundantly clear, and she hadn’t heard a thing from either one of them since, which only served to cement their feelings about the situation.  Although it had been challenging enough when Devon was a baby and a toddler, Julie was starting to wonder just when the little girl was going to start wondering why she didn’t have red hair like her mother’s.  Just then, Devon came running back into the room.

 

            Julie snapped out of her reverie and put three cookies on the table, then poured a glass of milk and set it down next to them.  “Did you put everything away?”

 

            “Yes,” Devon promised.  Julie had to be thankful that her daughter had always been a very well-behaved child; if it wasn’t for that, she might well have lost her mind.  “Mommy?”

 

            “What’s up, puss?”

 

            “Today in school,” Devon said, taking a sip of her milk, “we talked about families.”

 

            Julie felt her stomach twist.  “Oh, yeah?” she said, trying to sound cheerful and interested.

 

            “Yeah,” Devon said.  “We talked about families, and the kids said that families have daddies.  Where’s my daddy?  What is he doing?”

 

            Julie looked at her daughter for a long minute.  What was the appropriate answer to that question?   “Well,” she said carefully, “your daddy makes music, Devon.”

 

            “Why isn’t he here?”

 

            Julie swallowed.  “Well, honey… your daddy and I had a fight.  We said some mean things to each other before you were born.”  She found herself at a complete loss for words, and scolded herself for never coming up with some sort of plan for this conversation.

 

            “Don’t you and Daddy love each other?”  Devon looked up at her imploringly.

 

            “Of course we do,” Julie replied.  “Your daddy and I love each other very, very much.”  That part came easily.  Despite the events of the past, she had never doubted Bret’s love for her, and had always loved him.

 

            “Then, is it because Daddy doesn’t love me?”  The little girl’s chin wavered slightly.

 

            Julie felt her heart flip over at her daughter’s sadness.  “No, honey.  I’m sure that your daddy loves you very much, and would love you even more if he met you.”

 

            “Doesn’t he want to meet me?”

 

            Julie took a breath.  “I don’t know, honey.  I’m sure he would want to.”

 

            “I think that you should call Daddy, Mommy,” Devon said matter-of-factly.  “What if he doesn’t know where we are, and he wanted to find us?”

 

            Julie realized that her daughter, in a way, had a point.  Since she hadn’t spoken to Bret in years, he didn’t know what had become of her, although she guessed he could probably have found out easily enough if he really wanted to.  “Well, Devon,” she said as gently as possible, “I don’t know if Daddy wants to find us or not.”

 

            “Then we should call him,” the little girl insisted.  She was beginning to cry.  “All of the other kids have daddies.”

 

            Suddenly, Julie felt a surge of anger towards Bret.  She couldn’t condemn him for his feelings when they’d last talked, but part of her hated him for being unable to put those feelings aside for their child.  Her daughter was right; she should call Bret.  She just wasn’t sure how he would respond, and the thought of him rejecting Devon basically right to her face scared her.  Still, Julie loved her daughter, and knew that she had to at least try.  “Okay, honey,” she said.  “I’ll call your daddy, if that’s what you really want.”

 

            The little girl nodded emphatically.  “Will you call him today?”

 

            Julie studied her daughter, with her long, curly blond hair and inquisitive green eyes.  She and Bret had made a beautiful child.  “Yes, Devon.  I’ll call him today.”  She sighed.  “Why don’t you go in the living room and watch some television, and I’ll see if I can find your daddy.”

 

            Devon obediently got up and left the room, leaving Julie alone with her thoughts.  Part of her immediately regretted making a promise to her daughter that she wasn’t sure she could keep, and one that could end in devastation.  She knew that getting in touch with Bret probably wouldn’t be so hard; Rikki had kept in touch with her as much as he could.  Sometimes it was hard to talk to someone so close to Bret, but Julie had always valued his friendship, and now she was doubly grateful for the ability to get in touch with him.  At least he’d always been careful to not mention Bret.  With a sigh, she picked up the cordless from the counter and dialed Rikki’s cel phone number.

 

            “Hello?” came Rikki’s voice.  He sounded far away.

 

            “Hey, Rikki.  It’s Julie.”

 

            “Hey, beautiful!” Rikki replied, sounding happy.  “It’s been a while!  How are you?”

 

            “As well as can be expected,” Julie said.  “How are things with you?”

 

            “Not bad.  We just wrapped up a tour a few weeks ago, actually, but we’ve been pretty quiet other than that.”  He sighed wistfully.  “Looks like the big days are winding down, but we’ve had more time to relax.”

 

            “That sounds nice,” Julie said.  “I wish I had more time to relax, but you know how it is.”

 

            “I’m sure the mother of the year can handle it,” Rikki said brightly.  “So, is this just a social call?”

 

            “Actually, no,” Julie admitted.  “I need your help.”

 

            “Anything for you, sugar.”

 

            “I need to get in touch with Bret.”

 

            Rikki was quiet for a minute.  “Well, I can do that, Julie, but why the sudden need to talk to Bret?”

 

            “Devon came home from school today crying about how all of the other kids in her class have daddies,” Julie replied.  “I couldn’t help but promise her I’d call him.”

 

            “Ouch,” Rikki sympathized.  “Well, hon, I can give you his cel phone number, but I can’t make any guarantees on his response.”

 

            “I know.  Believe me, I’m not sure I want to do this, but I’ve sort of roped myself into it.”

 

            “A lot has changed over the past few years,” Rikki warned, “but you know I’ll do whatever I can to help you out.”  He rattled off the number and Julie scribbled it on a piece of paper.

 

            “Thanks a lot, Rikki,” she said.  “I’ll call you soon, okay?”

 

            “I look forward to it,” he replied.  “And sweetheart… good luck.  You know I love you.”

 

            “Thanks, I’ll need it.  I love you, too,” she said, and hung up.  For a long time, she stayed perfectly still, staring down at Bret’s phone number, and listening to the muffled sounds coming from the TV in the living room.  She almost got up and went in there to tell Devon that she simply could not bring herself to call Bret, but she knew that wasn’t a realistic option at this point.

 

            With a resigned sigh, Julie turned the phone back on and dialed the number that Rikki had given her.  It rang four times, and just as she was ready to give up, she heard someone pick up and say, “Yeah?”

 

            “Um,” Julie said, not prepared, “is this Bret?”

 

            “Yeah, this is Bret.  Who’s this?”

 

            “Bret, hi.  It’s… it’s Julie.”  There was a moment of silence.  “Hello?”

 

            “Yeah,” Bret said, his voice sounding odd.  “I’m still here.”

 

            “Oh.  Um… look, I’m sorry to call, but—“

 

            “It’s okay,” Bret said, the odd tone still in his voice.  “Are you all right?”

 

            “Yes, I’m fine.  Thanks for asking.”  She paused, uncertain of exactly how to proceed.  “How are you?”

 

            “I’m…” He hesitated.  “I’m fine, too.  I have to admit I’m a bit surprised to hear from you.”

 

            “No more surprised than I am to be calling,” Julie replied.  “Look, I’m not exactly sure how to say this.”

 

            “What’s wrong?”

 

            Julie took a deep breath.  “My… our daughter came home from school today and asked me to call her father because she doesn’t think that you love her.”  She closed her eyes.

 

            Bret was quiet for a minute.  “Oh,” he said finally, obviously unsure of what else to say.

 

            “I really don’t know what else to say,” Julie said.  “I promised her I’d call you, and I’m making good on that promise.  I’m not sure how you feel about that.”

 

            “Neither am I,” Bret admitted.  “I’m not quite sure what it is you want me to say.”

 

            “I don’t know.  I guess I just need to hear you say that you have no interest in knowing your child, so that I know, and then I can think of something to tell her.”  Julie bit the inside of her cheek.  She hadn’t meant to be so harsh.

           

            “I didn’t say I had no interest in knowing her,” Bret said defensively.

 

            “Well,” Julie said, feeling some of the anger she’d felt earlier creeping back into her voice, “I just assumed that five years without a phone call spoke for itself.”

 

            “I don’t even know where you are, Julie.”

 

            Julie bit her lip.  “We live in New York,” she said.  “I’m sure you could have found us if you wanted to.”

 

            Bret sighed audibly.  “What’s her name?” he asked quietly, ignoring the comment.

 

            Julie took a deep breath.  “Devon,” she replied.  “Devon Elise.”

 

            “That’s a beautiful name,” Bret said softly.  He cleared his throat.  “So, she asked about me?” 

           

            Julie could plainly hear the discomfort in his tone.  “Yes.  I guess I should have been better prepared for this.  I mean, she is five years old now.”  She paused.  “Listen, I’m going to just go now.  I shouldn’t have called you.”

 

            “No,” Bret said quickly.  “It’s okay.  I mean, you did the right thing… for Devon’s sake.” He was quiet for a minute.  “I guess it really is about time I made an appearance.  For her sake,” he repeated, sounding more like it was himself that he was trying to convince.

 

            Julie’s breath caught.  Although she supposed that somewhere in her head, that had indeed been the very point of this phone call, hearing Bret mention coming to see them still surprised her.  “I don’t know,” she said.  “What do you think would be the right thing to do?”  As she said the words, she realized they sounded more like a challenge than the very honest question that they were, and decided that was probably a good thing.

 

            Bret sighed.  “The right thing is something neither of us has ever been very good at,” he replied.  “Better late then never, though, I suppose.  I can be there in a couple of days.”

 

            Julie felt her heart skip a beat at the prospect of seeing Bret again after so much time had passed.  “That’s fine,” she said, trying to keep her voice level.  “I assume you know your way around the city.”

 

            “Yeah,” Bret replied.  “I’ve got a pen.  What’s the address?”

 

            Julie told him.  “When should we expect you?”

 

            “Wednesday,” Bret answered.  “Thursday at the latest.  I’ll have to… get some things worked out back here first.”

 

            “Are you still in San Francisco?” Julie asked.

 

            “L.A.,” Bret said.  “For the time being, anyway.  I’ve moved around a lot.  You know how it goes.”

 

            “Yeah.”  There was silence for a minute.  “Well, I guess I’ll let you go.  I’m sure Devon will be glad to meet you.”

 

            “I’ll see you in a few days,” Bret said, and they hung up.

 

            Julie hung up the phone and sighed, wondering exactly how to deal with the situation she’d just put herself in.  Her daughter came first, and Devon deserved to at least meet her father, but she wasn’t sure she could handle seeing Bret again.  After five years, she’d managed to get over her past, for the most part, but she didn’t doubt that the complete lack of contact had played a huge part in the healing process.  Seeing Bret would no doubt open up a lot of very old wounds. 

 

            “Was that Daddy on the phone?”

 

            Julie looked up sharply.  Devon was standing in the doorway to the kitchen, shifting her feet nervously.  She cleared her throat.  “Yes, honey, it was.”

 

            “What did he say?”

           

            Julie took a breath.  “He’s coming to visit us,” she replied.  “In just a few days.”

 

            Devon smiled.  “See?  I told you,” she said.  “Daddy loves us after all.”

 

            Julie did her best to smile back.

 

§

 

            Julie put down the book she was reading and glanced at the clock, which pronounced in bright red numbers that it was nearly 11.  She didn’t know what time Bret would be arriving, but it was Thursday, and he had promised to arrive by then.  She found herself hoping that he wouldn’t get there until after Devon got home from school, and had to laugh at herself when she realized she was relying on the moral support of a five-year-old. 

 

            She had woken Devon up an hour early to make sure that she looked perfect, even though she knew the chances of her daughter making it through an entire day of kindergarten without getting disheveled were slim.  Once Sarah had taken the kids to school, Julie had spent the next two hours making herself look as good as possible, and silently cursing herself for it.  She had absolutely no good reason to look good for Bret, and yet she had gone to every length possible to make sure she did.  The night before, she had went through every outfit in her closet until finally she decided on a simple pair of jeans and a tanktop.  At the time, she had managed to convince herself she’d chosen the outfit because it was easy and comfortable, but upon waking up she couldn’t help but admit that she’d chosen the kind of outfit that she used to wear when Bret had first become interested in her.  Spending the rest of the morning making sure that her hair, now even longer than it had been a few years ago and a shade lighter, looked perfect, and her makeup, flawless, only served to confirm the fact that she was trying to make an impression.  She had even painted her fingernails and applied perfume. 

 

            Julie picked up her book again and tried to concentrate on it, but the words wouldn’t make sense and she tossed it aside again, annoyed.  She rose and went into the kitchen, where she put a pot of coffee on, although she had no desire to add caffeine to her already buzzing nerves.  She found herself aggravated that she’d virtually spit-shined the entire place the day before, leaving nothing left to clean.  With a resigned sigh, she tugged the kitchen window open and lit a cigarette.  Julie had quit smoking when she was pregnant with Devon, but when she was very stressed out, she always ended up buying a pack.  This was definitely one of those occasions, and she had bought a pack the day before when she and Devon were buying groceries.  She pulled a chair up to the window and looked out as she smoked.  It was chilly outside, even for October, and the sky was overcast.  Fitting, Julie thought.   As she stared at the street four stories below, she couldn’t help but slip into memories of her past with Bret.  She remembered the very first time she’d realized she was looking at him as something other than another cookie-cutter rockstar, standing in the living room of her father’s house.  She remembered every detail of the first time they’d kissed; the way he tasted, the way it made her feel.  She also remembered the last day they’d spoken; the coldness in his tone, and how clearly the hurt was painted all over his face when she’d broken it off with him.  More than any of this, though, she remembered—

 

            The intercom buzzed, causing Julie to nearly fall out of her chair.  Hurriedly, she threw her cigarette out the window and made her way across the apartment.  “Yes?” she said into the intercom.

 

            “A Mr. Michaels to see you, Miss Kinsington.”

 

            Julie’s heart skipped a beat.  “Send him up, Lewis.”  For a minute, she just stood looking at the intercom as though it had made this situation happen by itself, then pulled herself together.  She went back into the kitchen, closed the window, and put the chair back at the table.  By that point, Bret was knocking on the door.

 

            Smoothing her hair one last time, Julie crossed the apartment and took a deep breath before pulling the door open.  She felt as though the wind had been knocked out of her.  Bret stood before her, his hair a bit darker and longer, and he seemed to have beefed up a bit.  Immediately Julie noticed that his piercing blue eyes hadn’t changed at all.  What was more of a shock than seeing Bret for the first time in five years was seeing the woman that he was with.

 

            She was nearly as tall as Bret, and incredibly thin, with dark brown hair nearly as long as Julie’s.  As Julie gave her a quick once-over, she couldn’t help but think about the groupies that Bret had once professed his boredom with.  The woman was obviously largely silicone, and she looked as though she had a personal wardrobe and makeup team to put her together every morning.  With the amount of money Bret had, such a thing wouldn’t be impossible. 

 

            Tearing her eyes away from the woman, Julie cleared her throat and forced a smile.  “Come on in.”  She moved aside, and they entered the apartment.

 

            Bret looked uncomfortable.  “Nice place,” he said after a minute.

 

            “Yeah, not bad,” the woman said, obviously looking down her nose.  “For an apartment.”

 

            “Thank you,” Julie said tightly. 

 

            The woman nudged Bret, and he stood up straighter.  “Oh, right,” he said.  “Julie, this is my girlfriend, Angelique.  Angelique, this is my… this is Julie.”

 

            Angelique extended one fake-nailed hand.  Julie shook it tentatively.  “Nice to meet you,” she said, then looked back at Bret.  “Please, sit down.  Would you like some coffee?”

 

            “Sure,” Bret said, seemingly glad for the diversion.  He and Angelique followed Julie into the kitchen and sat at the table.

 

            “Black, right?” Julie said, not even realizing she still remembered that from one of the first conversations they’d ever had.

 

            Angelique shot Bret a look, then turned to Julie.  “Actually, we don’t drink coffee,” she said.  “Remember, darling?”

 

            Bret frowned.  “Right, Angel,” he said.  “I’ll have to pass on the coffee, Jules.” 

 

            Julie’s stomach flipped over when he called her by her nickname, but she maintained her composure.  “Well, can I get you something else?”

 

            “No, thank you,” Angelique said coldly. 

 

            Julie restrained herself from snapping at the woman and took a seat at the table.  She had no idea how to proceed.  Talking to Bret alone had seemed impossible enough without the addition of his plastic bitch of a girlfriend.  “How was your trip?” she asked lamely.

 

            “It was fine,” Bret said.  “Thanks for asking.”

 

            Angelique tapped a fingernail against the tabletop.  “Where’s your bathroom?  I need to go… powder my nose,” she said, a small smile playing on her lips.  Bret frowned and looked away.

 

            Realizing what Angelique was referring to, Julie found it nearly impossible to not forcibly throw the pair out of her apartment.  Thinking of Devon, she replied, “It’s just down the hall on the left.”  Angelique got up and left the room.

 

            Julie turned her attention to Bret.  “Okay,” she said edgily, “I know we haven’t seen each other in five years, but do you mind if I ask just what the fuck you were thinking?”

 

            “Excuse me?” Bret said, although his tone clearly stated that he knew what she was talking about.

 

            “Do I need to inform you that you just flew out to meet your daughter with some woman who is doing cocaine in my bathroom right now?” Julie snapped.  “I don’t know what I expected upon your arrival, but I didn’t expect to have a drug addict in the apartment where I raise my daughter.”  She paused.  “Who the hell does coke but doesn’t drink coffee, anyway?”

 

            “She’s not a cokehead,” Bret said defensively, ignoring the coffee remark.  “It’s an occasional habit she picked up at work.”  He looked immediately like he regretted his explanation.

 

            “At work?” Julie repeated.  “What kind of job supplies cocaine to its employees?”

 

            Bret shifted uncomfortably.  “Angelique is a dancer.”

 

            “A dancer?” Julie repeated.  “So let me get this straight.  You came to meet your daughter with a cokehead stripper?”

 

            “I couldn’t very well come out here without her,” Bret replied. 

 

            “Well, you damn well should have,” Julie said.  “Devon gets home from school at 12:30, and we have some talking to do before that happens, and frankly, I don’t feel comfortable doing that with… her here.”  She paused.  “Not to mention that I definitely do not feel comfortable with her being in the house with Devon.”

 

            Bret sighed.  “All right,” he said.  “I’ll talk to her.  I’ll send her shopping or something.  I wish you wouldn’t be so difficult.”

 

            Julie snorted.  “I’m sorry, Bret.  If you would prefer that I tell your daughter that you didn’t show up, I can do that.”

 

            Without responding, Bret got up and went after Angelique.  Julie took a breath and tried to regain her composure.  She knew she had done the right thing for her daughter by going off on Bret, but part of her couldn’t believe she’d done it immediately upon seeing him for the first time in so long. 

 

            She could hear Bret and Angelique arguing, although she couldn’t make out any words, just Bret’s deep voice and Angelique’s high-pitched protests.  After a few minutes, they came back into the kitchen.

 

            Angelique snatched her coat from the back of the chair and shot Julie a menacing look, then turned back to Bret.  “Don’t be too long, darling,” she simpered.   She gave him a kiss that Julie thought was just a bit showy, then with a final glare, turned and left the apartment.

 

            Bret sat down heavily and sighed.  “I’m sorry about that,” he said, and Julie thought he sounded sincere.  “I knew that bringing her here wasn’t the best idea, but I didn’t know what else to do.”

 

            “It’s all right,” Julie said, feeling her resolve slipping just slightly.  “I just don’t think that sort of behavior is appropriate for Devon.”

           

            “You’re right,” Bret agreed.  He tried to smile.  “How about that cup of coffee?”

 

            Julie didn’t allow herself to smile back as she rose to get their drinks.  “I thought you didn’t drink coffee,” she noted.

 

            “I don’t, in front of Angel,” he replied.  “Er, Angelique.  She says it’s bad for us.”

 

            “I’m not going to dignify that with a comment,” Julie said, handing him his cup of coffee.  She poured one for herself and sat back down.  There was an uneasy silence for a few minutes before she continued.  “So, what have you been up to, all this time?”  She wasn’t sure she actually wanted to know, after spending five years making it a point to not find out, but it seemed as though there was nothing else to say.

 

            Bret cleared his throat.  “In five years?  Rather a lot.”

 

            “Well, why don’t you give me the short version?”

 

            He took a sip of his coffee.  “Well, let’s see.  Right before Christmas in ’91, we had to fire C.C. because his drug use got totally out of control, and the first guy we replaced him with started fucking Rikki’s fiancé, so we left him in the middle of the swamp.”

 

            “Jesus.”

 

            “Gets better.  In ’94, I totalled my car and damn near killed myself.  Then we hired another guy to finish out the tour.”  He paused.  “Can I smoke in here?”

 

            Julie found herself in shock from everything Bret had just told her and forced herself to nod.  She got up and dug around in a drawer until she found an ashtray. 

 

            “Did you quit?” Bret asked, taking the ashtray from her and lighting a cigarette.

 

            “For the most part,” Julie said, lighting one of her own.  “I only smoke in stressful situations.”

 

            Bret laughed nervously.  “I guess this applies.”

 

            “Definitely,” Julie agreed.  “Anyway, go on.”

 

            “Not that much to tell after that.  C.C. came back a couple of months ago, thank god, and we just released a greatest hits album and did another tour.  Things have been pretty quiet for the past two years, really.”

 

            “Sounds like a lot has happened in the past five, though,” Julie said.  “I’m sorry, I had no idea so much went on.  If I’d heard…” She trailed off.

 

            “It’s all right,” Bret said quickly.  “Anyway, I should probably be the one apologizing.”  He was quiet for a minute.  “Okay, your turn to fill me in on what I’ve missed.”

 

            Julie took a drag on her cigarette.  “Well, I’ve lived here since Devon was about six months old.  My father set me up with the place.  Got a studio next door.”

 

            “A studio?”

 

            “I do photo shoots for my father when he needs me to,” Julie explained.  “A hobby, mostly.”

 

            “Photography sounds like it’s just the thing you’d be doing,” Bret said.  “What else?”

 

            “I’m not sure how much I can fill you in on, to be honest, Bret.  Over the past five years I’ve just been raising Devon and watching her grow up.”  She paused.  “She’s in kindergarten now.  My neighbor’s daughter is the same age, and she’s nice enough to take the kids to and from school every day.  I never bothered to get a car.  Don’t really need one in the city.”  Another moment of uncomfortable silence passed.  “I guess you’ll just have to get to know her yourself.  I don’t think I can condense five years of her life into a summary for you.”

 

            “Yeah,” Bret said softly.  “I’m not going to lie.  I really have no idea what to say.”

 

            “Neither do I,” Julie admitted.  “To be honest, I’m surprised you came at all.”

 

            “I guess I am, too, in a way.  I was just so shocked to hear from you.”

 

            Julie put her cigarette out.  “I wasn’t sure if calling was a good idea, but by the time I had time to think about it, I’d already promised Devon.”

 

            “To be honest, I’m glad you called.”  Bret put his cigarette out as well and took a breath. 

 

            Julie blinked, totally unprepared for what he’d just said.  “Why?” she said, and immediately regretted the way she’d said it.  “I mean, I’m just… surprised to hear you say that, I guess.” 

 

            “Well, Julie, I mean… you must realize I’ve thought about her.”

           

            “I wasn’t even sure you knew it was a her,” Julie said quietly.

 

            Bret looked offended.  “Of course I did,” he said.  Upon seeing Julie’s questioning look, he continued.  “Rikki saw it in the paper.”

 

            Julie looked down.  “Right.  I hadn’t thought of that.”

 

            “We do read the newspaper,” Bret said, trying to be lighthearted.  It wasn’t working very well.  He cleared his throat.  “Anyway, I have thought about her, quite a lot, actually.  I’ve wondered about her, about both of you.”

 

            “I thought you’d have just forgotten us.”

 

            “Hardly,” Bret said.  “It’s true that I try to keep my past behind me, but how could I not wonder about my own child?”

 

            “You could have found her if you wanted to.”

 

            Bret frowned.  “I know,” he said, “and I should have.  It just never felt like the right time, and with things the way they were between us…”

 

            “Well, I hope five years is enough time for us to have grown up enough to handle this like civilized adults,” Julie replied.  “Devon needs to know who her father is, even if she can’t have him full-time.”

 

            Bret looked pained.  “Julie, I—“

 

            Just then the apartment door flew open and Devon came bounding in.  Sarah looked in from the doorway, and upon seeing that Julie had company, simply waved and shut the door as she left.  Devon ran over to Julie.  “Hi, Mommy,” she said, a bit shy in the presence of a stranger.

 

            “Hi, puss,” Julie said, trying to act normal.  “How was school?”

 

            “It was good,” Devon said.  She turned to Bret.  “Are you my daddy?”

 

            Bret looked down at the little girl, obviously unprepared for the blunt way she’d asked the question.  Julie watched his expression and thought he looked completely blown away.  “Yes, I am,” he said after a minute. 

 

            A smile formed on Devon’s face.  “I knew you would come,” she said knowingly.  “I knew that you loved me and Mommy.”

 

            Bret glanced at Julie and then turned his attention back to Devon.  “Of course I do.  I love you and your mommy very much.”

 

            “Are you going to stay with us?”

 

            Bret turned to Julie with a pleading look.  “Daddy is going to spend some time with you for the next few days, Devon,” Julie took over.  “He wants to see the city, too, so he won’t be here all the time.”  Bret mouthed ‘thank you’ over the little girl’s head.

 

            Devon looked up at Bret.  “Are you going to sleep over?”

 

            Bret looked down at his daughter and Julie could see the singer’s features softening.  “Devon—“ Julie began.

 

            Bret cut her off.  “Of course I am, sweetheart,” he said kindly.

 

            The little girl’s smile widened to an ear-to-ear grin.  “Yay!” she exclaimed.

 

            Julie remained quiet for a minute, totally stunned at what Bret had just said.  Her emotions were torn between being overjoyed that Devon had such an instantaneous effect on her father that he’d made such a promise, and horribly angry that he’d just made a promise she wasn’t sure either one of them could keep.  She cleared her throat.  “Okay, puss, go wash up and put your stuff away.”

 

            “Okay, Mommy,” she said obediently, and left the room.

 

            Bret looked at Julie with the same pleading expression he’d favored her with a few minutes before.  “I’m sorry,” he said.  “I… I just couldn’t say no to her.”

 

            Julie took a breath.  “Bret, believe me, I know how hard it is to look into those big green eyes of hers and refuse her,” she said.  “I had a hell of a time trying to convince her that we couldn’t keep a pony in the city.”  She laughed nervously.  “But Bret, it’s always better to say no than to make a promise you can’t keep.  She’s just a little girl.  She doesn’t know how to handle things like that.”

 

            Bret took a breath.  “Then I guess I’m going to have to find a way to make good on that promise.”

 

            Julie just looked at him for a few seconds.  “I hope you don’t think you can convince me to allow Angelique to stay in this apartment.”

 

            He sighed.  “No, I don’t expect that.  It’s probably for the best that Devon doesn’t meet Angelique right away.”

 

            “I admit I’m a bit lost as to just what you plan to do.”

 

            “I don’t know,” Bret said.  “I’ll have to go talk to her.  I’ll think of something, okay?”

 

            “I don’t know, Bret.  I don’t know if we should let her get her hopes up.  You should tell her that it’s only a maybe.”

 

            Bret met Julie’s gaze.  “I’ve been a pretty bad father for the past five years,” he said evenly.  “It’s about time I tried to change that.  I told Devon that I’d stay with her, and I will.”

 

            Devon came bouncing back into the kitchen.  “Daddy, do you want to see my bedroom?” she asked excitedly.

 

            Julie spoke before Bret could answer her.  “Your daddy has some things he has to do before he can get settled in here, Devon,” she said. 

 

            Bret glanced at her and caught the serious look in her eye.  He turned back to Devon.  “That’s right,” he said, “but I’ll be back later today, and then I’d love to see your bedroom.”

 

            Devon looked a bit deflated, but nodded.  “Okay.”  She paused.  “Daddy?”

 

            “What, sweetheart?”

 

            “Do you promise you’ll come back?”

           

            Julie watched Bret’s face and saw sadness flash over it before he pasted on

a smile.  “Of course I do,” he said.  “I promise.”

 

§

 

            Julie was just settling down on the couch when the intercom buzzed.  She glanced at the clock, which told her it was just after 10:30, and told the doorman to buzz Bret in.  She found herself almost as nervous about seeing him as she did before he’d gotten there the first time.

 

            “Hi,” Bret said when he came in.  He had a suitcase with him.

 

            “I take it you talked to Angelique,” Julie noted.

 

            “Yeah.  Let me tell you, she was not happy about this.”

 

            Julie didn’t like the idea of Angelique any more than she had when she’d met her, but she found that her animosity towards the situation had significantly lessened over the course of the day.  “You know,” she said tentatively, “I didn’t mean for this to fuck things up between you two.”

 

            Bret looked at her for a minute.  “Don’t worry about it,” he said.  “This is important, and this is how it had to be.”  He paused.  “Devon asleep?”

 

            “Yeah,” Julie replied.  “I usually put her to bed around 9 or so.”

 

            Bret nodded.  “So, where should I put this?” he asked, gesturing with the suitcase.

 

            Julie’s heart skipped a beat.  “Shit,” she said, “I didn’t even think of that.  We’ve only got the two bedrooms, Devon’s and mine.”

 

            “Oh.  Well, that’s okay.  I can just sleep on the couch.”

 

            “Are you sure?  I mean, I feel terrible…”

           

            “Really, it’s fine.  I’ve slept on plenty of couches in my day,” Bret replied.

 

            “If you’re sure,” Julie said uncertainly.  “Anyway, come in already.  No sense standing out here.”

 

            Bret set the suitcase next to the door and followed Julie into the living room, where they sat at opposite ends of the couch.  Bret lit a cigarette and they sat in silence for a few minutes.

 

            “There’s a balcony off of the living room,” Julie said.  “If it’s all right, I’d prefer if you smoked out there when Devon’s awake.”

 

            “Sure,” Bret agreed.  He paused.  “Tell me more about her.”

 

            Julie smiled a little and pulled her legs up so she could turn to face him.   “I’m not sure what to tell you,” she responded.  “She’ll be six in August, and she’s almost done with kindergarten.”  She paused.  “As you can see, she got your hair.”

 

            “And your eyes,” Bret noted.  “We made a pretty good-looking kid, if I do say so myself.” 

 

            “Yeah,” Julie said quietly.  “That we did.”

 

            “She really is amazing, Jule,” Bret said.  “I’m in awe.”

 

            Julie chuckled.  “Didn’t think she’d have this much of an effect on you?”

 

            Bret hesitated.  “I guess I didn’t,” he admitted.  He was quiet for a minute.  “I’m really sorry that I missed out on the last five years of her life.”

 

            “We are, too,” Julie replied.  A moment of tense silence passed between them.  She cleared her throat.  “So, you still a night owl?”

 

            Bret smiled.  “Not really,” he admitted.  “Things have settled down a lot lately, plus Angel… no, I usually pass out by 1 these days.  What about you?”

 

            “Well, kids don’t let you sleep in,” Julie said, laughing a little.  “She has to be out the door by 7:30, so I usually get up around 6.”

 

            “Ouch.  I don’t get up that early.”

 

            “We’ll try to be quiet,” Julie promised.

 

            Bret waved the idea off.  “Don’t do anything differently just because I’m here.  I’m the outsider, not you guys.”

 

            A few moments went on in silence.  Julie didn’t know exactly what to say next.  Bret’s politeness caught her off guard, even though he’d rarely been anything but.  She realized that part of her had expected him to still be just as angry at her as he had been the last time they’d spoken, but she supposed deep down she’d known that was ridiculous.  Even considering all they’d been through, five years was a long time.  Noticing that she’d been staring off into space for a rather long time, Julie cleared her throat.  “So,” she said, trying to come up with something to keep the conversation going, “how long have you and Angelique been together?”  She wasn’t sure whether she wanted the answer or not.

 

            Bret looked a bit surprised, but quickly pulled himself together.  “About a year, on and off,” he said.  “I actually, ah, met her at a concert a few years ago.”

 

            Julie didn’t need to ask what ‘met her’ entailed.  “Well, I’d like to say she seems nice, but…” She trailed off.

 

            Bret chuckled a little.  “Yeah, Angelique has always been a little uppity.”

 

            Julie bit her lip.  “Are you happy?”

 

            Bret looked up at her sharply.  “What do you mean?”

 

            “I didn’t think it was a very hard question,” Julie replied. 

 

            Bret was quiet for a minute.  “Sure,” he said finally.  “Yeah, sure, I’m happy.  As happy as a guy like me can be, anyway.”  He paused.  “What about you?”

 

            Julie wasn’t prepared for him to reciprocate the question, and stalled. “What about me, what?”

 

            “You know.  Are you happy?”

 

            Julie took a breath.  “It’s not easy raising a kid by yourself,” she replied.  “But, sure, I’m happy.  As happy as a girl like me can be, anyway.”

 

            “Touche.”  He laughed.  Julie couldn’t help but laugh with him.  Bret leaned forward and put his hand on top of Julie’s.  “It’s really good to see you,” he said softly.

 

Julie stared down at Bret’s hand covering hers.  Suddenly, the situation felt like too much to handle.  She hadn’t entirely expected for things between her and Bret to even be civil, much less as friendly as this seemed to be getting.  She pulled back and rose to her feet.  “Well, it’s probably about time for me to get to bed,” she told him, although in reality she usually didn’t go to sleep until closer to midnight.  “I’ll get some blankets and pillows for you.”

 

            Bret rose as well, clearing his throat.  “One blanket and pillow is enough for me,” he replied.  He didn’t meet her gaze.

 

            “Whatever you say.”  Julie left the room quickly.  Once she was safely in her own bedroom, she closed the door and leaned against it heavily.  Why had she thought she could handle having Bret stay with her?  She forced herself to calm down and grabbed a blanket and pillow from the closet, then took a deep breath and went back to the living room.  “Here you go,” she said, trying to sound normal.  “Are you sure that’s enough?”

 

            Bret took the stuff from her.  “It’s fine.”

 

            “Well, okay… you already know where the bathroom is, and if you get hungry or—“

 

            “I’m sure I can find my way around a kitchen,” Bret interjected.  “Thanks.  Really, though, I’ll be fine.  Get some sleep.”

 

            “Okay,” Julie said, grateful for the escape.  “My bedroom’s all the way at the end of the hall, if you need anything.  I’ll see you in the morning.”

 

            “Goodnight, Jule.”

 

§

 

            Julie sat up in bed and tossed the covers off of herself.  She’d been tossing and turning for over three hours now.  She silently cursed herself for being so unsettled about the entire ordeal.

 

            She climbed out of bed, suddenly desperate for a cigarette, and quietly went into the dark hallway.  As she neared the living room, she saw that the television was on.  Bret was sitting on the floor, leaning against the couch.  “Couldn’t sleep?” she asked, and immediately wished she hadn’t.  She knew she probably could have gotten away with smoking a cigarette and not having to talk to him at all.

 

            Bret turned and looked up at her.  “I see you couldn’t,” he replied, and motioned for her to sit with him.  Julie suddenly felt very self-conscious parading around in front of Bret in nothing but a tee-shirt, but she sat next to him all the same.  “What’s up?” he asked her.

 

            “Nothing,” Julie lied.  “I just wanted a cigarette.”

           

            Bret handed her one and lit it for her.  “What’s got you stressed out?” he asked after a minute.

 

            “I’m not stressed,” Julie said defensively.

 

            Bret chuckled.  “Yeah, you sure don’t sound it,” he teased.  “Besides, I thought you only smoked in stressful situations?”

 

            Julie sighed.  “Okay, fine.  Maybe I’m a little stressed.”

 

            “About what?” 

 

            Their shoulders were touching, and Julie couldn’t remember any other time in her life at which she had been more aware of the sensation of being shoulder-to-shoulder with someone.  She sighed.  “What do you think, Bret?  This isn’t exactly a day in the life.”

 

            “Yeah, I know,” he said.  “This is a little stressful for me, too, you know.”

 

            “Why should it be?” Julie asked.  “I’m the bad guy here.”

 

            Bret snorted.  “I think there’s a statute of limitations on that sort of thing,” he said.  “Besides, I think I might deserve the bad guy award.”

 

            “Bret, we are not going to fight over which one of us fucked up more.  We’re not going to agree.”

 

            “I guess you’re right,” Bret said, chuckling a little.  He paused.  “Seriously, though, I don’t want my being here to stress you out.  I’m just trying to do the right thing, which I admit I’ve never been very good at.”

 

            “You are doing the right thing,” Julie assured him.  “And I’m not that stressed out.”  She was lying through her teeth and she knew it.  “We just have to expect things to be a little tense at first, I guess.”

 

            “Do we?” Bret asked.

 

            “Why wouldn’t it be tense?”

 

            “I don’t know.  Because it’s been five years.  Because we’re here now, with this beautiful little girl.”  He sighed.  “Because the good outweighed the bad, if I remember correctly.”

 

            Julie closed her eyes, wanting to agree with him, but finding herself unable to.  “That sounds awfully idealistic,” she replied.  “The reality is that we both fucked up a lot five years ago, maybe moreso me than you, and you’re in this wonderful relationship now, and I’ve spent five years raising a daughter by myself.  Christ, Bret, I’m surprised she’s still alive.”  She took a breath.  “Do you know how many times in the past couple of years I’ve had to throw the phone across the room to keep from calling you?”  Julie bit the inside of her cheek hard, unable to believe what she’d just said.

 

            “Then maybe you should have,” Bret replied.

 

            Julie laughed.  “Yeah, that would have been stellar.  ‘Hi, Bret, this is your ex.  You know, the one who totally left you high and dry because she wanted your best friend?  Could you come raise your kid’?”

 

            “Hey,” Bret said, and slipped an arm around her shoulders.  “That’s kind of what you did the other day, and I’m here now, aren’t I?”

 

            Julie looked at the floor, not quite sure how she felt about Bret’s arm being around her.  “Well, just add not calling you sooner to the list of things I’ve fucked up,” she said dryly. 

 

            Bret squeezed her shoulder.  “I know I haven’t been around, but it seems like you’ve done an excellent job with Devon,” he said kindly.  “Come on, Jule, I know it’s been rough, but look at her.  She’s healthy, she’s happy, she’s smart, and she has a wonderful mother.”

 

            Julie relaxed slightly in Bret’s embrace.  “Yeah, the wonderful mother who kicked Devon’s father out of her life.”

 

            “Maybe so,” Bret said, “but I didn’t make any effort to stay in it, and that’s my fault.”  He pulled her closer.  “Why don’t we just let the past be the past?  We can’t change it.”

 

            Julie sighed and leaned her head on Bret’s shoulder.  She immediately noticed that the scent of his hair hadn’t changed at all in five years.  “I’m sorry,” she said after a minute.  “I didn’t mean to go nuts like that.”

 

            “It’s okay,” he assured her.  “We all go a little mad sometimes.”

 

            “Yeah.”  She paused.  “It’s just that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, Bret.  Maybe I’ve been doing it for five years, but every day I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I don’t know how I’ve raised her by myself all this time.” 

 

            Bret was quiet for a long time.  “You shouldn’t have had to,” he said gently.  He kissed her forehead.  “You should get some sleep.”

 

            Julie sat up.  “What about you?  Aren’t you tired?”

 

            “I’ll get to bed eventually,” he replied.  “My back was bothering me, so I sat down here to watch TV for a while.”

 

            “What’s wrong with your back?”

 

            “It’s bothered me occasionally, ever since the accident,” Bret explained.  “If I sleep on it wrong or anything, it gets all fucked up.”

 

            “Christ, and I’m making you sleep on the couch?  You should have told me.”

 

            “It’s fine,” Bret assured her.  “Don’t worry about me.  I’ve slept on worse things than your couch.”

 

            Julie laughed.  “I don’t even want to know,” she said, and extended her hand, not quite sure what she was doing.  “Come on.”

 

            Bret allowed her to pull him to his feet.  “Where are we going?”

 

            “You’re going to sleep in my room,” Julie answered.  “I’m not going to make you sleep on the damn couch.”

 

            “Jule, really, the couch is fine.”

 

            “You’re not talking me out of this.”

 

            Bret sighed.  “Where will you sleep?”

 

            “We’re adults,” Julie replied.  “We can handle sleeping in the same bed, right?”  A voice in the back of her head scolded her loudly.

 

            Bret was quiet for a minute.  “Yeah,” he said finally.  “We’re adults.”  Julie thought he had a look in his eyes, but couldn’t quite place it. 

 

            “Good,” she said.  “Then let’s go to bed already.”

 

§

 

            Julie slowly swam into consciousness and without opening her eyes, knew that something was different.  For a moment, she just laid still, trying to wake up, until she realized what had changed.  She forced herself to open her eyes, and her suspicions were confirmed. 

 

            She was lying on her right side, against Bret, with her head on his chest.  His arm was around her, resting on her side.  He wasn’t wearing a shirt.  For a few minutes, Julie remained perfectly still, not exactly sure what to do.  Her mind was flooded with memories of the countless mornings she’d woken up in exactly this position, but this was totally different.  They hadn’t been together, or even seen each other, for a very long time, and Bret was in another relationship now.  Sighing inwardly, Julie carefully eased herself out from under Bret’s arm.  She did a quick check to make sure that she was still clothed.

 

            The clock read 5:56, and Julie was immediately grateful that she’d woken up before the alarm.  She wasn’t sure exactly how such a situation would have played itself out.  She reached over and flicked the alarm switch to off, then pulled herself out of bed yawning.  It had been a long time since she’d had to function on such little sleep.

 

            Julie pulled a pair of pants on and made her way quietly out of the bedroom and down the hall to Devon’s room.  For a minute, she just watched the little girl sleep, then turned on the light and said her name a few times.  Devon stirred and opened her eyes.  “Time to get up, puss,” Julie said.

 

            “Okay, Mommy.”  The little girl sat up. 

 

            “I’ll go make your breakfast.  Your clothes are on the dresser,” Julie said, and turned to leave.

 

            “Mommy?”

 

            Julie turned back.  “What’s up, puss?”

 

            “Did Daddy come back?”

 

            Julie smiled a little.  “Yes,” she said, “but he’s sleeping.  You’ll see him after school, okay, puss?”

 

            Devon grinned.  “Okay!”

 

            Julie went into the kitchen and set about fixing a bowl of cereal; Devon would only eat cereal before school.  She wouldn’t touch pancakes or French toast except on the weekends when she slept a bit later.  Idly, Julie wondered when Bret would wake up, and pushed the thought from her mind.  With luck, he’d sleep until noon.  She put Devon’s cereal on the table and started a pot of coffee, and a few minutes later Devon came into the kitchen.

 

            “Did you sleep okay, puss?” Julie asked, hoping her conversation with Bret hadn’t kept her daughter awake.  Devon nodded over her Cheerios.

 

            Julie closed her eyes and leaned her head against the cabinet, the lack of sleep making her head hurt.  Again, she thanked whatever higher power there was that Devon was such an agreeable child, because on mornings like this, she wasn’t quite sure how much she could handle.  The responsibility of getting her daughter off to school seemed harder than usual so as it was. 

 

            Julie heard Devon’s spoon clink against the empty cereal bowl and opened her eyes.  “Okay, puss,” she said, trying to sound bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, “go brush your teeth and wash your hands and face.  I’ll come in and put your hair in a ponytail in a few minutes.”

 

            Devon stood up.  “You look tired, Mommy,” she said seriously.

 

            Julie smiled a little.  “I am tired, honey.”

 

            “Did you have a bad dream?”  The little girl looked concerned.

 

            “No, puss.  No bad dreams.  I was just talking to your daddy and I stayed up past my bedtime.”

 

            Devon looked thoughtful for a minute, then, seeming satisfied with Julie’s response, ran off in the direction of the bathroom.  Julie sighed inwardly.  She still had absolutely no grasp on the reality of the situation she’d been thrust into.  How was she supposed to maintain an appearance of total normalcy for her daughter with Bret sleeping in her bed?  It would have been best, Julie knew, to have stopped that entire ordeal before it started, but she couldn’t have hurt Devon’s feelings like that.  Part of her wanted to smack Bret in the back of the head for making such a promise to their daughter without even discussing it privately first, but she also knew that Bret had only been trying to do the right thing.  Doing the right thing was something neither of them had done in a very long time, and Julie knew she had to at least give credit where it was due. 

 

            Julie poured herself a cup of coffee and forced herself to chug it down, hot and bitter.  Somewhere in her head she wondered how Bret had survived on years of black coffee.  Putting her cup down, Julie tried to shake herself awake, and headed into the bathroom.  “All brushed and washed up?” she asked her daughter.

 

            “Yes, Mommy.”

 

            Julie came up behind the little girl and began brushing her hair.  “Do you have everything ready for school?”  Devon nodded as Julie pulled her hair into a high ponytail.  “Okay, puss,” she said.  “Go watch TV for a little while before Sarah and Emily come to get you.”

 

            Julie put the hairbrush away and rinsed her daughter’s toothbrush before going back into the kitchen.  She forced herself to slam down another cup of vile black coffee, trying desperately to wake up.  She had a photo shoot to do in just a few hours, and she needed to be more than half-alive to do her job properly. 

 

§

 

            Julie was shakily applying mascara over a mirror at the kitchen table when Bret dragged himself out of bed.  Somehow, she had managed to sneak in and get clothes without waking him.  She glanced up at him and nearly choked when she saw that he was wearing nothing but a pair of boxers.  She quickly looked away.  “Good morning.”

 

            “Something like that,” Bret agreed.  “Is there coffee made?”

 

            Julie nodded, still not looking at him.  “Cups are above the sink.”  If Bret was only wearing boxers now, that must have meant that at some point while she’d slept, he’d changed out of his clothes.  She shivered slightly.

 

            “Do you want a cup?”

 

            Julie felt her stomach turn.  “Ugh, no,” she replied.  “I’ve had more than enough coffee this morning.”

 

            “That’s funny,” Bret said, pouring himself a cup.  “You still look beat.”

 

            She finished applying her mascara and picked up a tube of lipstick.  “That’s because I am beat,” she responded.

 

            “Why don’t you go back to sleep for a while?  Devon doesn’t get home for another few hours, does she?”

 

            Julie made a fish face at herself in the mirror and blotted her lipstick.  “Can’t,” she said.  “I have an appointment in 45 minutes.”  She looked up at him.  “What, do you think I make myself up like this just for houseguests?”

 

            Bret smiled a little.  “What kind of appointment?  For your dad?”

 

            Julie nodded.  “Yeah, some up-and-coming folk singer,” she said wryly.  “Times have certainly changed.”  She pulled herself to her feet and wavered slightly. 

 

            Bret put his coffee down and narrowed the gap between them.  “Whoa.  You okay there?”  He sounded genuinely concerned.

 

            Julie put a hand on the table to steady herself.  “I’m fine,” she said.  “Just too much coffee, that’s all.  I rarely drink the stuff.”

 

            “How much did you have?  Jule, you’re shaking like a leaf.”

 

            Julie took a breath.  Her stomach was churning and it felt like someone had a vice grip on her chest.  “I only had two cups,” she said, suddenly feeling rather embarrassed.

 

            “What did you do, mainline them?”  Bret put a hand on her shoulder.  “Jesus, I can feel how hot you are right through your shirt.”

 

            “I drank them kind of fast,” Julie admitted.  She tried to clear her throat.  “Bret, I’m fine.  Really.  It’s just coffee.”  Even as she protested, she allowed Bret to guide her into the bedroom.

 

            “Lie down,” Bret instructed her.

 

            “Bret, I can’t,” she protested feebly.  “I have—“

 

            “An appointment, I know.  Just lie down for a few minutes, Jule.”  Julie let Bret ease her onto the bed.  He turned to leave. 

 

            “Where are you going?”

 

            “I’ll be right back.”

 

            Julie closed her eyes and tried to force herself to feel better.  It felt as though the caffeine was simultaneously ripping apart her stomach and her chest.  Somewhere, a voice in her head chided her for being so stupid. 

 

            “Take this,” Bret said.

 

            Julie opened her eyes and sat up.  She eyed the pills in Bret’s hand warily.  “What is that?”

 

            “It’s just aspirin,” Bret assured her.  “Your temperature is high.  It’ll bring it down.”

 

            Julie remembered when Bret had been very sick, and she’d given him Tylenol for his fever.  “Okay,” she agreed, taking the pills from him.  She swallowed them with the water he offered her and laid back down.

 

            “I’ll come get you in a few minutes,” Bret promised. 

 

§

 

            Julie’s eyes fluttered then opened, and for a minute, everything was blurry.  When her vision finally came back into focus, she turned her head and looked at the clock.

 

            It read 5:34.  She blinked a few times, and it changed to 5:35.  For a few minutes, Julie watched the numbers change, not quite sure what they were telling her.  She wondered if perhaps she’d just dreamed the whole thing, and really, it wasn’t even time to wake up yet, but the lingering queasiness assured her that it hadn’t been a dream.  That meant, she reasoned, that it must be 5:35 in the afternoon, and that she’d been asleep for an entire day, during which she would have missed her appointment and also during which her daughter would have been unattended to. 

 

            Julie became fully conscious and jumped out of bed.  She ran into the kitchen, which was empty, and then into the living room, where Bret was sitting on the couch flipping channels on the TV.  For a minute, Julie didn’t speak, not quite sure what was going on.  “Hi,” she blurted finally.

 

            Bret muted the TV and turned.  “You’re awake,” he noted.

 

            Julie blinked. “What time is it?”

 

            “About quarter to six,” he replied.

 

            “In the evening,” Julie said, not quite a question.  She glanced out the window and saw that it was beginning to get dark.

 

            Bret smiled a little. “Yes.  Maybe this would be a good time to explain.”

 

            Julie raised an eyebrow.  “I’d say so,” she said evenly.  “That wasn’t aspirin, was it?”

 

            Bret rose to his feet.  “Nope, Halcion,” he confirmed.

 

            “Halcion?  You slipped me sleeping pills?!” Julie asked incredulously.

 

            “Guilty.  Well, I wouldn’t say I slipped you them, but basically guilty.”

 

            Julie swallowed.  “Okay, before I kill you, where the hell is my daughter?”

 

            Bret looked a bit defeated.  “She’s next door playing with Emily,” he said.  “Sarah said she’d bring her home after dinner.”

 

            “You talked to Sarah?”  Julie wondered just how Bret had explained the situation.

 

            “I told her I was a friend of yours,” he said.  “I didn’t know how much she knew.”

 

            “She didn’t know anything,” Julie said quickly.  “What about my 10:00 appointment?”

 

            “I told them you were sick,” Bret replied.  “They’ll call to reschedule.”

 

            Julie had to admit that Bret had done pretty well in her absence, but she still felt furious that he’d lied to her about the pills.  “Bret, you had no right to do this,” she said, trying to keep her tone even.

 

            Bret frowned.  “I was just trying to help,” he said.

 

            “Rendering me unconscious and unable to work and care for my daughter is not the first thing that comes to mind when I think of ways you could help me.”  Anger was creeping into her tone.

 

            “You weren’t in very good shape to do that when you were conscious,” Bret argued.  “You needed to sleep off all of that caffeine.  Would it have been better for Devon to see you in that condition?”

 

            Julie hesitated, knowing that Bret had a point.  “That isn’t the point,”she said.  “You had no place doing that.”  For a minute, they just looked at her, then Julie turned and stormed into the kitchen.  She opened the cabinet and grabbed a glass, which she began to fill with water.  When she turned away from the sink, Bret was standing in front of her, and she moved back as much as she could without hitting her head on the cabinet.

 

            “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice low.  “I shouldn’t have done that.  I tried to make a judgment call and it was the wrong one.”

 

            Julie just looked at him for a minute, their faces just inches apart.  She could smell his hair and feel his breath against her face, and it made her head spin.  She felt her resolve slipping.  “It’s okay,” she said quietly.  “I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

 

            For a few minutes, they stayed where they were, neither of them speaking.  Then, in one fluid motion, Bret leaned forward and pressed his lips against Julie’s, his tongue pressing its way into her mouth.

 

            Surprised, Julie relented to his insistent kisses, tasting the flavors of his mouth for the first time in years.  It tasted just as exotic and comforting as it always had, and Julie found herself aching for the past more than she had since the first few months after the break-up. 

 

            Julie felt Bret’s hand on her waist and it snapped her out of her reverie.  She pushed his arm away and snaked out of his grasp, crossing the kitchen quickly.  Not looking at him, she cleared her throat.  “I should go get changed before Devon comes home.” 

 

            Bret cleared his throat as well.  “Yeah,” he said quietly.

 

§

 

            Julie was cleaning spilled juice off of the kitchen table when Bret staggered into the kitchen.  She glanced at the clock, which said it was twenty after nine.  “You’re up early,” she noted.

 

            “Couldn’t sleep,” Bret mumbled, rummaging around in the fridge.

 

            Julie stopped her cleaning and looked at Bret’s back as he poked around in the fridge.  The weekend had gone surprisingly well.  Bret had spent most of Saturday with Angelique, and on Saturday night he took Devon and Julie to the movies.  On Sunday, he’d surprised Devon with a bunch of Disney movies and a batch of brownies that he had allowed her to eat nearly half of, despite Julie’s protests.  Sure enough, by bedtime Devon had a stomachache, but she recovered quickly when Bret made a total fool of himself making shadow puppets.  Julie was surprised at how easily he slipped into the role of Devon’s father, and it had been such an easy weekend that she almost didn’t notice that they hadn’t mentioned the kiss at all.

 

            Bret stood up and Julie hurriedly went back to her cleaning.  “Got any plans today?” she asked, trying to sound nonchalant.  This is the first time they’d really been alone since the kiss, barring the few minutes before they fell asleep. 

 

            Bret took a deep swallow of orange juice right of the container.  Julie thought about commenting on how comfortable he was making himself, but decided against it.  “Not really,” he said.  “Angelique is going shopping, so I was just going to hang out here.”

 

            Julie straightened up and tossed the rag into the sink.  “That’s fine,” she said.  “I have a shoot to do at 10, just so you know.”

 

            “All right,” Bret said.  “I’ll go make myself a bit more presentable.”

 

            Julie gave him a once-over, pausing only momentarily on his sculpted chest.  “Good idea.”

 

            Bret headed off in the direction of the bathroom and Julie finished cleaning up the kitchen.  She cursed at herself for having all of her appointments come to her door instead of the studio door, but when she’d started, she thought it was more personal and friendly.  Of course, back then, she hadn’t had a five-year-old’s toys to pick up off the floor. 

 

            She heard the shower turn on and went into her bedroom.  She hurriedly made the bed, and then swept her hair into a clip and fixed her makeup.  She thought her reflection in the mirror looked awfully tired.

 

            Bret came into the bedroom wearing only a towel and Julie bit her lip.  “Sorry,” she said.  “I’ll let you get dressed.”

 

            Bret dropped the towel.  “No reason to be shy, Jule,” he said, smirking.  He picked a pair of pants off of the floor and pulled them on.  “It’s nothing you haven’t seen before.”

 

            Julie tried to laugh and failed.  “Yeah,” she said lamely.

 

            Bret pulled on a white buttondown shirt, but left it open.  “Presentable enough?” he asked, chuckling.

 

            “It’s… fine,” Julie said.  It wasn’t fine.  In fact, Bret’s bare chest and the way Julie felt herself staring at it was the polar opposite of fine.  Julie opened her mouth to attempt to speak and suddenly the intercom buzzed. 

 

            Julie snapped out of her daze and glanced at the clock.  9:40.  “Fuck, they’re early,” she said, and left the room quickly.

 

            She pressed the intercom button.  “Yes?”

 

            “Your 10:00 appointment is here.”

 

            “Send them up.”  Julie gave the room a quick glance and saw nothing terribly out of place. 

 

            A moment later, there was a knock at the door.  Julie pulled the door open and nearly choked on her own spit.  “Sebastian?” she asked incredulously.

 

            Sebastian looked just as shocked to see her, and for a minute they just looked at each other.  Julie watched as Sebastian’s eyes moved down, then back up her body.  He had definitely grown up; his features were more defined and his hair was a bit darker.  He still looked every bit the jungle cat, lean and tall.  Sebastian blinked.  “Jules?”

 

            “What… what are you doing here?” Julie asked, then something clicked in her head.  You’re my 10:00?”

 

            Sebastian raised an eyebrow.  “Hey, I’m just as shocked that you’re the photographer.”

 

            Julie had no idea what to say.  She mechanically backed away from the door.  “Come in,” she offered.

 

            Sebastian stepped into the apartment and shut the door behind him.  “Nice place,” he said, looking around.  He was obviously just as unsure of what to say as Julie was. 

 

            “Thanks.  Um… can I get you—“

 

            “Baz?”

 

            Julie and Sebastian turned.  Bret was standing in the hallway, looking as surprised as they had.

 

            “Bret?” Sebastian said.

 

            They looked at Julie.  “Julie--” they began simultaneously.

 

            “Do you guys want some coffee?” Julie interjected.  Without waiting for a response, she went quickly into the kitchen and began making some.

 

            The guys followed her into the kitchen.  “What are you doing here?” Bret was saying.

            “I’m supposed to get some pictures taken.  Some promotional thing, you know.” Sebastian paused.  “I had no idea who the photographer was.”

 

            “You don’t know who your clients are?” Bret asked.

 

            Julie turned.  “Sometimes I don’t.  Mostly everything is scheduled by my father, and when he’s busy, sometimes he just has his secretary call and give the appointment times.”  She paused.  “Maybe I should rethink that plan.”

 

            Sebastian made an attempt at chuckling.  He gestured at the table; Julie nodded and he sat down.  Bret looked at Julie, then back at Sebastian, and he, too, sat down. 

 

            “Okay,” Julie said, “I’m not even going to pretend to have any idea what the hell to say right now.”  She sat down.

 

            There was a moment of silence before Bret spoke.  “Well, I guess I’m really the odd one out here,” he said.  They looked at him questioningly.  “Well, I mean, you live here,” he said, looking at Julie, then turned to Sebastian.  “And you’re supposed to be here for a photo shoot.  So, we know why you guys are here.”

 

            “But not why you’re here,” Sebastian said.

 

            “Right.”

 

            “So… why are you here?”  Sebastian glanced from Bret to Julie and back.  “You two back together?  What happened to that stripper?”

 

            Bret winced.  “No, we’re not,” he said.  “Angelique is in town.” 

 

            Julie cleared her throat.  “He came to meet his daughter,” she said quietly.

 

            Sebastian fidgeted.  “Where is the little darling?” he asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

 

            “At school,” Bret said.  “She’ll be home at 12:30.”  Julie raised an eyebrow.  Bret was getting almost good at this. 

 

            Sebastian glanced at the clock.  “Well,” he said, sounding a bit uncomfortable, “maybe we should get to those pictures.  I’m sure you don’t want me around when she gets back.”

 

            Bret and Julie exchanged a glance.  “I don’t think it would be a problem,” Julie said quickly, and immediately wondered if it was a smart decision.  Too late now.  “I mean, if you want to meet her.”

 

            Sebastian cleared his throat.  “Yeah,” he said, sounding genuinely eager.  “Of course I want to meet her.”

 

            Bret smiled.  “She’s absolutely beautiful, man.”

 

            Julie blushed a little.  “What have you been up to all this time, Sebastian?”

 

            He shrugged.  “Not a whole lot, really,” he replied.  “Band broke up.”

 

            “I heard about that,” Bret put in.  “I meant to get in touch with you,  but…”  He trailed off.

 

            Sebastian waved him off.  “Don’t worry about it,” he said.  “It needed to happen.”  He turned his attention back to Julie.  “Other than that, I’ve just been… you know, being me.  Perhaps slightly less so.”

 

            “Slightly less so?”

 

            “I’m not quite the party animal I used to be,” he replied. 

 

            Julie looked at Bret.  “Have you two stayed in touch at all?”

 

            Bret nodded.  “Yeah, somewhat,” he said.  “We stayed pretty tight in the beginning, but we haven’t talked in… what, a year?”  He looked at Sebastian.

 

            “About that,” Sebastian agreed.  He looked at Julie.  “But you I haven’t talked to in years.  What have you been up to?”

 

            Julie tried to relax.  It was a relief to find that Sebastian and Bret at least no longer wanted to slit each other’s throats.  “Nothing as interesting as what you two have been doing,” she replied.  “Living here, doing the photo shoots for my father, and raising Devon.”

 

            “Devon,” Sebastian repeated, sounding almost wistful.  There was a moment of silence, then he cleared his throat.  “Well, I guess we should get these pictures taken, huh?”

 

            Julie stood up.  “Yeah, I guess we should.  My studio’s right next door.” 

 

            Bret and Sebastian rose as well.  “I’m going to run out for cigarettes,” Bret said.  “Do you guys need anything?”

 

            “I suppose with a kid coming home, it would be inappropriate to ask for a six-pack,” Sebastian said, grinning.  Julie was instantly reminded of the old Sebastian, always ready for a party even at the most inopportune times.  “Pick me up a pack of Kamel Reds,” he finished.

 

            “You need anything?” Bret asked, turning to Julie.

 

            “We’re out of Oreos.”

 

            Bret and Sebastian exchanged a glance.  “Isn’t that just like a woman?” Sebastian said, laughing.

 

            Julie smacked him lightly on the arm.  “They’re for Devon,” she said.  “They’re her favorite snack, and I’d be the worst mom on earth if I didn’t have any to give her after school.”

 

            “Sure, sure,” Bret said.  “Don’t worry.  Your Oreo secret is safe with us.”  He chuckled and left.

 

            Julie watched him leave and turned her attention back to Sebastian, suddenly nervous.  “They really are for Devon,” she said lamely.

 

            Sebastian smiled.  “I know.”  He was quiet for a minute.  “Jules, really, how have you been?”

 

            Julie relaxed a little.  “I’m okay, all things considered,” she said.  “It’s not always easy.”

 

            “I can’t imagine it would be.”  Suddenly, he closed the distance between them and wrapped Julie in a tight embrace.  “I missed you, you know,” he said, trying to sound lighthearted.

 

            For a minute, Julie tensed up, but soon found herself relaxing in the tall singer’s arms.  “I missed you, too, Sebastian,” she said into his hair.

 

            They hugged for a few long minutes and finally Sebastian pulled away.  “So,” he said, clearing his throat, “think there’s anything on the horizon for you and Bret?”

 

            Julie blinked.  “No,” she said quickly.  “I mean, it’s not even about that.  Devon wanted to meet her father.”

 

            “Sure, but… I don’t know, doesn’t it bring old feelings back?”  He said it in such a voice that made Julie think he wasn’t really talking about Bret at all.

 

            Julie did her best to sound nonchalant.  “I don’t know, Sebastian, I haven’t even thought about it,” she replied.  “Things have been pretty crazy already without thinking about doors that have been closed for a very long time.”  She cleared her throat.  “Anyway, we should really get to those pictures.”

 

            Sebastian looked at her for a minute, then nodded.  “Lead the way.”

 

§

 

            “You’re quite photogenic,” Julie said.  “I guess you already know that.”

 

            Sebastian smiled.  “Just because I’m used to seeing my face in magazines, doesn’t mean I like it.”

 

            Julie put another roll of film in her camera.  “So, what are these pictures for, anyway?”

 

            “Your guess is as good as mine,” Sebastian said, laughing.  “My publicist said that I needed to get some ‘expressive’ pictures taken.”

 

            “Expressive, huh?”  Julie thought for a minute.  “Go stand by the window.”

 

            Sebastian looked at her questioningly, but crossed the room to the window.  “Okay, now what?”

 

            “Just look out the window,” Julie instructed.  “Can you look sad and wistful?”

 

            Sebastian looked at her and raised an eyebrow.  He was quiet for a minute, then said, “Sure.  I can do sad and wistful.”  He turned back to the window.

 

            Julie snapped a few pictures from different angles, then stopped and just looked at Sebastian, taking advantage of the fact that his back was turned.  The expression on his face was one that she’d seen before, always when he didn’t expect anyone to be watching.  When Sebastian was sad, his facial features would relax into a perfect pout and his eyes would gaze longingly, almost hungrily.  Julie had almost managed to forget that expression, and the various situations in which she’d seen it.  Seeing it now was a bit sobering; something in Sebastian’s gaze made it pretty obvious that it wasn’t just for a photograph. 

 

            Sebastian noticed that the camera’s clicking had stopped, and turned to look at Julie questioningly.  Julie snapped a few shots of his face, and soon he smiled, and she finished out the roll of film.  “That’s it,” she said.  “Two rolls.”

 

            “Do I look like Marilyn?” he asked, grinning.

 

            “Monroe or Manson?”

 

            “Now that you mention it, I kind of look like a cross between both of them, huh?”

           

            Julie laughed and put the film in cases.  “The pictures should be on your publicist’s desk by the end of the week,” she said.

 

            “Whatever.”  He paused.  “Jules, what’s your daughter like?”

 

            Julie looked up at him.  Something about the way he’d questioned her made her feel as though she were talking to a young child who had just seen a rainbow for the first time.  “Like a five-year-old girl,”she replied.  “Perhaps a bit more mild-mannered than the average five-year-old girl, thankfully.”

 

            “What does she look like?”

 

            “A green-eyed, little girl version of Bret.”  Julie glanced at the clock.  “Anyway, you’ll meet her soon.  I had no idea we were in here for so long.” 

 

            Julie led Sebastian out of the studio and back into the apartment, where Bret was pouring a glass of milk.  There was a plate full of Oreos sitting on the kitchen table.

 

            Sebastian looked at Julie.  “Does he change diapers, too?”

 

            “That’s one time period I’m not sorry I missed,” Bret put in, then shrugged.  “I saw that it was nearly 12:30, and I didn’t know how long you two would be, so I thought I’d make Devon’s snack.”

 

            “Thanks,” Julie said, although for some reason the situation caught her off guard.

 

            “Very domestic of you,” Sebastian said, grinning.

 

            Just as Bret pulled his hand back to smack Sebastian, the door flew open and Devon bounded in.  Bret changed the course of his hand to wave at her and she ran across the apartment to hug him.  Sebastian and Julie watched with wide eyes as Bret swooped the little girl up in his arms.  “Hi, Daddy!”

 

            “Hi, pumpkin,” Bret said, hugging her.

 

            “That was right out of a Hallmark card,” Sebastian commented.

 

            Bret put Devon down and the little girl looked at Sebastian.  “Mommy, who’s that?”

 

            Julie looked down at her daughter, trying to come up with the correct way to answer her question. 

 

            “I’m your Uncle Sebastian.”

 

            Julie glanced up at Sebastian, and decided it was as good of an explanation as any.  She nodded at Devon.  “He’s a friend of your Daddy’s,” she said, then thought better of it and added, “and mine.”

 

            Devon opened her mouth to respond when there was a loud banging on the apartment door. 

 

            “What the hell?”

 

            Julie looked at Bret.  “I have no idea,” she  said, and crossed the apartment to open the door.

 

            Angelique pushed past her in a flurry of fur coat.  “Bret!” she yelled.

 

            “Excuse me, but how the hell did you get up here without going through the doorman?” Julie demanded, barely keeping the anger out of her tone.

 

            Angelique ignored her.  “Bret!” she called out, more loudly.

 

            “I’m right here,” Bret said, coming out of the kitchen.  “What are you doing here?  I thought you were shopping.”

           

            “I was shopping,” Angelique said coolly, “when suddenly it occurred to me that you’re spending far too much time here.”

 

            Bret opened his mouth to speak, but Sebastian cut him off in an attempt to keep everyone calm.  “Hello, Angelique.”

 

            Angelique relaxed slightly.  “Hello, Sebastian.  What are you doing here?”

 

            “Getting some pictures taken, that’s all,” he replied.  “And yourself?”

 

            Before Angelique could respond, Julie spoke.  “Devon, honey, why don’t you take Angelique’s coat and purse and put them in Mommy’s room?  Then go play for a little while in your room, okay?”

 

            “Okay, Mommy.”  She hurried over to Angelique, who peered down at her for a moment before sighing and taking off her coat.  She handed it and her purse to Devon, who set about dragging them down the hallway while Angelique looked on in disgust.

 

            “You can’t just barge into someone’s home like that, Angel,” Bret said.

 

            Angelique folded her arms across her chest.  “If she can barge into my home,” she said snidely, tossing her head in Julie’s direction, “then I can barge into hers.”

 

            “Excuse me?” Julie asked.

 

            “Excuse you, indeed,” Angelique said, turning to Julie.  “You hadn’t talked to him in over five years, and then suddenly one phone call from you and you’ve come right into our home and ripped it down the middle.  Who the hell do you think you are?”

 

            “Angelique,” Bret said, sounding a bit angry.  “Watch yourself.  This is my daughter we’re talking about.”

 

            “Your daughter, my ass,” Angelique snapped.  “You’ve never so much as seen her before, and suddenly she’s your daughter?”

 

            “She’s always been his daughter,” Julie said uncertainly.

 

            “How the fuck do you even know it’s really yours?” Angelique said to Bret, ignoring Julie.

 

            “He knows,” Sebastian put in.  Angelique looked at him.  “He knows,” Sebastian repeated evenly.

 

            “Whatever.”  Angelique turned back to Julie.  “His or not, who the fuck do you think you are to just call him like this out of nowhere?”  She looked at Bret.  “And why the fuck do you even care about this shit?”

 

            Bret looked desperate for something to say.  “Angelique,” he said tentatively, “you need to calm down.”

 

            “Like hell I do,” she replied, but she spoke a bit more calmly. 

 

            “Why don’t we all sit down?” Sebastian interjected.

 

            “And talk about this like adults,” Julie agreed, nodding.  She led the way back into the kitchen.

 

§

 

            The argument had been going strong for nearly an hour and Julie didn’t see any signs that it would stop soon.  Bret was arguing that he needed to spend time with his daughter, Angelique was arguing that she was his girlfriend and he should be at home with her, and Julie was just trying to keep her head above water, defending herself or Devon where necessary.  Sebastian was staring intently at his shoe.

 

            “Look,” Bret said, the anger in his tone evident, “you know we’re not going to be here very long.  You had no place making this kind of a fucking scene.”

 

            “How can you fucking say that?  I have every right to be here.  I’m your girlfriend.”

 

            Julie sighed.  Angelique had been repeating that phrase the entire time, and it was getting a little tired. 

 

            “And Devon is my daughter,” Bret countered. 

 

            “Then she can come visit us, at home,” Angelique insisted, “instead of you shacking up with your ex!”

 

            “I’m not shacking up with anybody!” Bret insisted.  “Devon is five years old and needs to be with her mother.  It was more practical for me to come here.”

 

            “Practical, my ass,” Angelique snapped.  “There’s nothing practical about me staying in a hotel while you’re schmoozing around with some slut that you knocked up five years ago.”

 

            For a minute, everyone was quiet, obviously stunned.  Sebastian looked like he wanted to shoot daggers at Angelique, but instead he turned to Julie.  “I don’t think I can handle much more of this,” he said, shooting a pointed glance back to Angelique.  “Is it okay if I go check on Devon?”

 

            “Sure, it’s fine,” Julie said, and turned back to the argument.  “Look, Angelique, I—“

 

            Bret cut her off.  “I don’t know who the hell you think you are to walk into Julie’s house and talk to her like that,” he growled. 

 

            “What the fuck are you talking about?” Angelique demanded.  “Whose fucking side are you on?”

 

            Bret took a deep breath.  “I’m not on anybody’s goddamned side, although I have to admit I’m not far away from saying I’m getting closer to not being on yours,” he said evenly.  “We’re all trying to look at this situation like rational adults.  This is an upset to everyone’s life, not just yours, and you’re the only one acting like a petulant little snot.”  Once he’d finished speaking, he took a breath, and glanced at Julie with an expression that told her he wasn’t quite able to believe the way he’d just spoken.  Julie raised her eyebrows at him and didn’t speak.

 

            For a long moment, Angelique remained still, a perfect mixture of surprise and rage on her overly-painted face.  “Did you just call me a petulant little snot?”  The words were spoken, Julie thought, in a voice not unlike a cruel teacher preparing to punish a wayward student.

 

            Bret looked back at her, and Julie thought for a minute that he was going to slide down into his chair and apologize.  “Yes,” he said finally.  “Yes, I did, Angelique, because that is exactly what you are acting like.”  Julie found herself absolutely amazed at how obvious it was that Bret had indeed never spoken to his frightening stripper girlfriend in such a manner, especially considering some of the fights she herself had been in with him.

 

            Angelique rose to her feet, and Julie watched with an almost perverse fascination.  She had to actually bite her lip to keep herself from remarking out loud that the woman resembled a frightened puffer fish.  “Bret Michael Sychak,” Bret winced, “I don’t know who the fuck you think you are to dare—“

 

            Sebastian came into the kitchen then, a delighted-looking Devon clutching his hand tightly.  Julie glanced nervously at Angelique, uncertain of whether the woman possessed enough meager social graces to stop herself from hurling what would inevitably be a string of obscenities in front of a small child, but she found that even Angelique was looking on in awe at Sebastian and Devon.  Apparently, Julie wasn’t the only one who found the idea of Sebastian Bach walking around excitedly with a five-year-old girl completely preposterous. 

 

            Devon seemed undaunted by the three questioning stares peering down at her.  “Guess what, Mommy?” her daughter said in a voice full of the sort of wonder that only belongs to little girls.

 

            Julie had to swallow hard to regain some sort of composure in the middle of the whole weird ordeal.  “What, honey?” she said, and thankfully sounded pretty normal.

 

            “Uncle Sebastian said that he’d take me to the zoo,” the little girl exclaimed breathlessly.  “He said they have all kinds of animals at the zoo!”

           

            Julie stared down at Devon for nearly a full minute before moving her eyes upward to look at Sebastian, who had an expression not unsimilar to someone who had just been caught with their hand in the cookie jar.  He smiled sheepishly.  “She’s never been to the zoo,” he offered cautiously.

 

            Julie couldn’t help but smile.  “I know that, Sebastian,” she replied.  She looked back at Devon, who appeared positively aglow with the idea of being taken to this new place full of animals, and couldn’t find it in her heart to say no.  “But I guess we’re going to the zoo today.”

 

            Devon released her tight grip on Sebastian’s hand to jump up and down a few times.  “Yay!”

 

            “Sweetheart,” Bret said, “can you bring Angelique her coat and purse?”

           

            “Yes, Daddy,” the little girl said, and obediently ran off in the direction of her room, appearing a moment later with Angelique’s things.

 

            Angelique took them sharply without so much looking at the little girl.  She exhaled sharply.  “Well, then, I suppose this works as well as anything else.  Sebastian and Julie,” she said the name with distaste, “will go to the zoo with the child.”  She spoke the word ‘child’ as though she were talking about something terribly unpleasant.  Rising to her feet, she continued speaking to Bret.  “And you and I will discuss this matter further at our hotel.”

 

            Bret, too, rose to his feet. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he told her.  “You heard Julie.  We’re going to the zoo.”

 

            Angelique pulled her coat on, waving off the comment.  “Don’t be silly,” she said.  “We have things to do.”

 

            “Angelique, I don’t think you heard me,” Bret countered. “I missed my daughter’s birth, her first word, her first steps, her first day of school.  I do not intend to miss her first trip to the zoo.  I’ll have to see you later.”

 

            Julie raised an eyebrow at Sebastian, who shrugged and bit his lip to keep from laughing.  Devon watched the scene with little interest.

 

            Angelique’s eyes were aflame.  “Do you mean to tell me that you would rather spend the day around a bunch of filthy animals than with me?”

 

            Bret made his way to the front door, which he pulled open.  Turning back to Angelique, he said, “Other than the fact that on one hand, I’d be with friends and my daughter, I don’t see much difference right now.”

 

            Angelique blinked in shock a few times, but didn’t speak.  Suddenly she seemed almost embarrassed at the scene, and it was obvious she had no idea what to say, since Bret had never talked back to her in such a manner before.  “This conversation isn’t over,” she said finally, and hastily left the apartment.

 

§

 

            “Oh, Mommy, he’s so big,” Devon said, her eyes wide.  The four of them had been at the zoo for almost an hour now, and were presently standing in front of a gigantic cage containing a beautiful white tiger. 

 

            Julie had to admit that the tiger was a gorgeous animal.  She smiled down at her daughter.  “Yes, he is,” she agreed.

 

            Bret grinned down at Devon.  “You know what I heard about this zoo?”

 

            “What?” Devon asked eagerly, her green eyes sparkling.

 

            “I heard that they have ponies here that you can ride!”

 

            Devon’s entire face lit up at the prospect and she turned to Julie.  “Oh, can I, mommy?  Can I please?

 

            Julie smiled.  “Sure, we can do that.”  She thought for a moment, then looked at Bret.  “Why don’t you two go ahead, and meet us at the gift shop?  You two should spend some time together.”

 

            Bret looked surprised at first.  “Sure,” he said, “if that’s okay with everybody.”

 

            Sebastian grinned.  “This is the perfect opportunity for me to buy that stuffed koala bear I’ve always wanted.”

 

            “And all this time I thought a stuffed snake was more your style,” Julie quipped, then looked down at her daughter.  “You want to go ride the ponies with Daddy?”  Devon nodded eagerly. 

 

            “We’ll meet you back here in half an hour,” Bret promised, and led the little girl away.

 

            Julie turned to Sebastian.  “You’re lucky I had the afternoon free to spend the afternoon at the zoo,” she said, but smiled.

 

            “I had no idea it was that hard to say no to a five-year-old girl,” Sebastian protested. 

 

            “As long as you don’t tell her she can bring any of these animals home, I think we’ll be fine.”

 

            “Aw, Mommy, not even one lion?”

 

            “One jungle cat is quite enough for me,” Julie said, and immediately felt her cheeks flush hot red. 

 

            “What?”

 

            “Nothing,” Julie said quickly, but she could tell by the amused expression on his face that he knew exactly what she was talking about. 

 

            Sebastian raised an eyebrow at her, and for a minute Julie thought he was going to force her to elaborate on what she’d said.  Instead, he cleared his throat.  “So, what do you want to do now?”

 

            Julie managed to pull herself back together, or at least in appearance. “Well, you could buy me a slushie,” she offered.

 

            Sebastian chuckled.  “Lead the way, my lady.”

 

            They walked in silence until they found a vendor selling frozen lemonade.  “Is this good enough for you, or by ‘slushie’ did you really mean ‘pina colada’?” Sebastian asked, grinning.

 

            “I hardly think getting smashed in front of my daughter is a good idea,” Julie admonished lightly.

 

            “Fair enough,” Sebastian replied, shrugging.  He turned to the vendor.  “We’ll take two.”

 

            “Hey, you’re…” The vendor paused, obviously trying to place Sebastian’s face.  “You’re… don’t tell me…”

 

            Sebastian glanced at Julie, who raised her eyebrows at him.  “My name is Balthazar,” he said suddenly.  Julie coughed to cover up her laugh of surprise.

 

            The vendor handed them their lemonades and took Sebastian’s money with a confused look on his face.  “Balthazar?”

 

            “Yes, Balthazar.  It’s a family name.”

 

            The vendor handed Sebastian his changed, still looking puzzled.  “I could have sworn I knew you from somewhere.”

 

            “My mother invented plastic wrap,” Sebastian replied quickly.  He grabbed Julie’s hand and led her away from the vendor.

 

            Once they were out of earshot, Julie began to giggle.  “Balthazar?”

 

            “It’s the first thing that came to mind,” Sebastian said.

 

            “And plastic wrap?  You haven’t gotten any less twisted, Sebastian.”

 

            “Believe me, I was sorely tempted to say she invented crack-cocaine.”

 

            “That’s far more believable,” Julie said, laughing over her frozen lemonade.  By now they had reached the gift shop.

 

            “I know,” Sebastian said then, “I can buy you a stuffed animal, and it would be just like a fair except that I wouldn’t have to make an ass out of myself by not being able to knock the milk bottles down.”

 

            Julie smiled.  “You don’t have to buy me a stuffed animal.”

 

            “I know I don’t,” he said.  “But I want to.  So pick one out.”  He grabbed a stuff walrus from one of the shelves.  “Do you like walruses?”

 

            “I don’t think I’ve ever formed any real opinion on walruses.”

 

            Sebastian chucked the walrus back onto the shelf and picked up another stuffed animal.  “Rhinos?”

 

            “I think I’d rather avoid the potential horn jokes.”

 

            “Women are so hard to shop for,” Sebastian said, tossing the doll aside.  They browsed in silence for a minute before he exclaimed, “A-ha! This is perfect!”

           

            Julie turned around to see Sebastian proudly holding up a stuffed seal.  “Cute,” she said.

 

            “Right!  Cute!  Exactly!”  He waggled the doll at her.  “Don’t girls love that cute shit?  Oh, look, he’s wittle and fuzzy and soft,” he said mockingly.

 

            “You’re making a scene,” Julie said, biting her lip to keep from laughing.

 

            Sebastian continued undaunted.  “And they’re cuddwy and sweet!”  He pressed the doll against Julie’s face.  “And they make wittle kissy-wissy faces!”

 

            Julie instinctively grabbed Sebastian’s wrist and tugged it, and all at once the stuffed seal fell out of his hand and she found her face nearly touching his.  She gasped unwittingly.  “Kissy faces, huh?” she said dumbly.

 

            “Yeah,” Sebastian said softly, his eyes on her lips.  “Kind of like the one you’re making right now.”  Julie knew perfectly well that he was about to kiss her right in the middle of the gift shop, but she couldn’t think of a graceful way to get out of it.  Besides, the entire scene was awfully romantic.  She closed her eyes as Sebastian’s lip met hers.

 

            Julie could taste cigarettes on his breath, and couldn’t remember another time when that taste had been pleasant.  Sebastian’s kisses, though perhaps a bit more refined, were still every bit as desperate and hungry as they had been years ago.  After a minute, Julie managed to pull herself away and found herself nearly breathless.  “You’re making a scene,” she repeated, and turned away before he could see her smile.

 

§

 

            “Okay, stay still,” Sebastian said.  Bret had Devon on his shoulders, standing in front of the polar bear exhibit, and they were both grinning like fools.  Julie stood staring, still totally unable to wrap her head around how quickly Bret and Devon had become father and daughter.  With that came the thought that the closer they got, the harder it was going to be on the little girl when Bret had to leave.

 

Sebastian snapped the picture, and then looked down at the camera.  “That’s the last picture.”

 

            Bret lifted Devon over his head and put her down on her feet.  “Jesus, is that two whole rolls already?”

 

            “It is indeed.”

 

            Julie sighed.  “It’s about time we started for home, anyway,” she said. 

 

            “Aww, already?” Devon protested.

 

            “Yes, puss, already,” Julie said firmly but kindly.  “It’s already going to be past your bedtime when we get home, and you have school tomorrow.”  Devon pouted, but offered no further protest.

 

            “Do we have everything we need?” Bret asked.

 

            “Bret, you bought her half of the stuffed animals in the gift shop, and more ice cream than any five-year-old should be allowed to have,” Julie said.  “We have far more than we need.” 

 

            “They had life-size alligator balloons in there, you know,” Sebastian piped up.

 

            “If we bought that, we’d have to leave you here to make room,” Julie retorted.  She took Devon’s hand.  “Come on, kids, let’s get out of here.”

 

            They walked back to Bret’s rented car, listening to Devon jabber excitedly about everything she’d seen.  This constant talking lasted until they’d driven about ten miles, at which time Devon took a long enough breath for Julie to get a word in.  “Devon, remember your manners,” she said.  “You need to thank Uncle Sebastian for taking you to the zoo, and your daddy for all the pretty things he bought you.”

 

            “Thank you, Uncle Sebastian,” Devon said, and leaned up to plant a sloppy kiss on Sebastian’s cheek.  Julie couldn’t be sure, but she thought Sebastian blushed slightly.

 

            “You’re welcome, sweetheart,” he said.

 

            “Thank you, Daddy.  I’ll kiss you when we go home because Mommy tells me not to bother her when she’s driving.”

 

            Everyone chuckled.  “That’s right, honey,” Bret said, glancing at her in the mirror.  “And you’re welcome.  I’m glad you had a good time.”

 

            “Did you have a good time, Daddy?”

 

            “You bet I did.”

 

            “What was your favorite animal?”

 

            “Wow, honey, that’s a tough one.  I like so many of them.  I think the polar bears were neat.”

 

            “What was your favorite, Mommy?”

 

            Julie resisted the urge to say the lions.  “The penguins, I think.”

 

            Devon laid down and rested her head on Sebastian’s lap, looking up at him expectantly.  “The big cats,” he answered.  “What was your favorite?”

 

            “Oh, I like them all,” Devon said.  “Except for the snakes.”  Thus saying, she promptly closed her eyes, and was asleep within minutes. 

 

            Sebastian met Julie’s gaze in the rearview mirror, and he looked a bit frightened.  Julie couldn’t help but chuckle.  “She’s a little girl, Sebastian, she won’t shatter.”

 

            “What if I wake her up?” Sebastian whispered.

 

            “You don’t have to whisper,” Julie replied. “Devon could sleep through the apocalypse.  Just don’t jump out of the car and you should be all right.”

 

            They drove in silence for a few miles before Bret spoke.  “You know,” he said, “I had more fun today than I’ve had in ages.”

 

            “No shit,” Sebastian agreed.  “I don’t remember if I’ve ever been to the zoo before.”

 

            “It was nice, wasn’t it,” Julie said, looking out the window.  She turned her head.  “If someone had told me two weeks ago that I’d be taking my daughter to the zoo with you two…”

 

            Sebastian laughed.  “You think this is weird for you?  Do you think I’ve ever had a small child sleep on my lap?”

 

            “I think this is pretty bizarre for all of us,” Bret agreed.  He hesitated.  “Definitely nice, though,” he finished, more softly.

 

§

 

            “She’s all tucked in,” Bret said, coming into the kitchen.  “Didn’t wake up at all.”

 

            Sebastian rose from his place at the table.  “Well, I guess I should hit the road.”

 

            Bret frowned and sat down.  “Don’t be silly,” he said. 

 

            Julie glanced at Bret, then turned back to Sebastian.  “Absolutely,” she said.  “Stick around.”

 

            Sebastian hesitated.  “Are you sure?”

 

            “Of course we are,” Bret said.  “When does your rental car need to be back?”

 

            “Oh, not for a few days.  Figured I might as well rat around NYC for a while.”  He turned to Julie and grinned.  “It’s a Taurus.”

 

            Julie smiled at the joke.  “Nice.”

 

Bret turned to Julie.  “Think it’s safe to have a couple of drinks?”

 

            Julie nodded.  “Sure.  As long as we don’t get too out of hand.  Even I can have a couple, I guess.”  She paused.  “I don’t have anything in the house, though.”

 

            “I can run out and pick something up,” Sebastian offered. 

 

            “You sure?” Bret asked.  “I could go.”

 

            Sebastian waved the idea off.  “Don’t worry about it.  What do you guys want?”

 

            “I hate beer,” Julie piped up.

 

            Bret grinned.  “How about daiquiris?  Is that girly enough for you?”

 

            Julie swatted him on the arm.  “I’m not that girly.”

 

            “Of course not,” Bret said, laughing.  “Seriously, though, a batch of strawberry daiquiris sounds like a good idea to me.”

 

            Sebastian shrugged. “Fine with me.  I don’t think I could handle straight vodka after those hot dogs from the zoo.”

 

            Julie laughed.  “Okay, fine, daiquiris it is.”  She rummaged in her purse. “Here, take my key so I don’t have to buzz you in.”

 

            Sebastian took the key from her.  “I’ll be back in a few,” he promised, and left.

 

            Bret sighed.  “What a crazy couple of days.”

 

            “You’re telling me,” Julie agreed.  “Can I have a cigarette?”

 

            Bret pulled two cigarettes from his pack, lit them, and handed one to Julie.  “I can’t believe how amazing she is, Julie.  You’ve done such a good job.”

 

            “Hey, she’s half you,” Julie replied.  “I just work here.”

 

            “Don’t be so modest.  You’ve done an amazing job with her.  She’s beautiful and smart and kind.”  He paused.  “Not unlike her mother.”

 

            “Flattery will get you nowhere,” Julie admonished lightly, but smiled.  “And anyway, I’m sure some of that’s genetic.  She certainly didn’t get that blond hair from me.”

 

            “I gave her hair, and you raised her for five years,” Bret insisted.  He was quiet for a minute.  “I’m really sorry I missed so much of her life.”

 

            Julie looked down.  “Yeah, so am I,” she replied, “but hey, the past is the past, and you’re here now.”

 

            “Yeah,” Bret said.  He didn’t sound convinced.

 

            Julie forced herself to look at Bret and voice the question on her mind. “What about Angelique?”

 

            Bret sighed deeply and ran a hand through his hair.  “God, I wish I knew what to say about her.”

 

            “She seems pretty pissed off about all of this.”

 

            “Yeah.  Angelique has a bit of a tendency to fly off the handle.”

 

            “I’m sure the cocaine does wonders for that.”

 

            Bret smiled in spite of himself.  “I don’t know what the attraction is,” he said.  “Coke lost its appeal for me years ago.”  He sighed again.  “I’m at the point where I almost want to just send her back to California, where she belongs.”

 

            “With her own kind, you mean.”

 

            Bret snorted.  “Yeah, something like that.  All of her dancer friends.  She’s all pissed off about how much work she’s missing, as if we need the money.”

 

            “Well, you know, some women don’t do it for the money.  Some of them just like degrading themselves in front of large groups of middle-aged men for the fun of it.”

 

            “Has anyone ever told you you have a very interesting way of putting things into perspective?”

 

            “Hey, I just call ‘em like I see ‘em,” Julie replied.  She hesitated.  “But maybe I’m biased, so don’t listen to me.  I don’t want to fuck up your life, Bret.”

 

            “I think I’ve got that part covered,” he said.  “I’ll go talk to her tomorrow.  Something’s gotta give.”

 

            Just then, the door opened and Sebastian sauntered in with a brown paper bag, which he set on the table.  “Two bottles of the most expensive rum I could find, six cans of frozen daiquiri mix, and a partridge in a pear tree,” he said proudly.

 

            “Two bottles of rum?  Why do I have the feeling I’m going to be picking you two out of the carpet by the time this night is over?” Julie asked.

 

            “Better to have too much than not enough,” Sebastian said matter-of-factly.  “Besides, we’re rockstars, so we have to be excessive.  It’s in the rules.”

 

            “Which is ironic, if you think about it.”  Bret rose to his feet.  “Well, madame, if you will just lead me to your blender, we can get this party started.”

 

§

 

            “I don’t remember agreeing to get this drunk,” Julie said.  She was halfway through her third drink, and it was obvious that the guys had been making them progressively stronger.

 

            “A lady never admits she’s drunk,” Bret admonished.  He was on his sixth daiquiri, and beginning to look a little worse for the wear.

 

            Sebastian, who had consumed nearly a pitcher of drinks, grinned broadly.  “I think we should play a game,” he announced.

 

            “What, like Go Fish?” Bret slurred.

 

            “No!  Truth or Dare!” Sebastian said triumphantly.

 

            Bret looked at him dumbly for a moment, then turned to Julie.  “You’ve consumed the least alcohol.  What do you think?”

 

            “I’m also the one with the lowest tolerance and body weight.  Let’s play.”

 

            Bret shrugged.  “I guess you go first, Baz.”

 

            Sebastian grinned.  “Okay.  Julie, truth or dare?”

 

            Julie giggled. “Truth.”

 

            “Okay… how old were you when you lost your virginity?”

 

            She took sip of her daiquiri.  “Sixteen.  I was a counselor-in-training at a summer camp and so was he.  It was over in twelve seconds.”

 

            Bret laughed.  “That’s cute, in some bizarre way.”

 

            “As I recall, it was just painful and messy.  My turn?”  Sebastian nodded.  “Okay.  Hmm… Bret, truth or dare?”

           

            “Oh, lord.  Truth, I guess.”

 

            “What’s the most girls you’ve ever had sex with in one night?”

 

            Julie thought she saw Bret blush.  “Oh, Jesus, Jule, what a question.”  He paused.  “Seven, I think, but you have to account for the fact that I was never sober enough to really keep count.”

 

            “You slut,” Julie chided him teasingly.

 

            “I prefer the term ‘rockstar’.  Baz, truth or dare?”

 

            “I’m not going to be the first one to take a dare.  Truth.”

 

            Bret thought for a minute.  “Where’s the weirdest place you’ve ever gotten a blowjob?”

 

            Sebastian nearly spit his drink onto the table.  “Good question.  Um… actually, it was before I ever became famous.  It was on a rollercoaster that got stuck at the top of the first hill, when I was seventeen.”

 

            Julie laughed.  “Only you would be thinking about blowjobs in such a situation.”

 

            Sebastian raised an eyebrow at her.  “Okay, little miss, truth or dare?”

 

            “Truth.”

 

            He looked at her evenly for a minute.  “Which one of us is the better kisser?”

 

            Julie looked at Sebastian sharply.  His eyes were drunken and mischevious, and she knew he was too intoxicated to really comprehend the weight of what he’d just asked.  “I can’t answer that.”

 

            “You have to.”

 

            “No, I don’t,” Julie insisted.  “I can’t.”

 

            “Then you have to take a dare,” Bret chimed in.

 

            Julie looked at him, surprised that he hadn’t been bothered by Sebastian’s question.  “Okay, fine.  Dare.”

 

            “Go out into the hallway with your shirt off,” Sebastian exclaimed.

 

            “You’re insane.”

 

            “Well, it’s either that or take the truth,” Bret said.

 

            “No, it’s too late now,” Sebastian said.  “She turned down the truth so she has to do the dare.  Those are the rules.”

 

            Julie knew she was too drunk and too old to remember the rules to Truth or Dare.  She sighed.  “Jesus fuck, you guys, what if Devon wakes up?”

 

            “She can sleep through the apocalypse,” Sebastian reminded her.

 

            Julie frowned.  “All right, fine, I’ll do it.  But only for a second.”  She rose to her feet.  “Anyway, you just want to see me with my shirt off.”

 

            “Yes, Jules, because that would be something new, right?”  Sebastian grinned.

 

            The alcohol had completely removed any inhibitions Julie might have had about being topless in front of the pair, and quickly peeled off her shirt and bra.  “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”  She made her way quickly to the door, flung it open and hopped into the hall.  “Okay, I did it,” she said, and scurried back inside.  “Happy now?”

 

            “Very.  You can put your shirt back on and take your turn,” Bret said.

 

            Julie dressed and sat back down.  “Bret, truth or dare?”

 

            “After that, definitely truth.”

 

            Julie took a big swallow from her drink and looked at him evenly.  “Have you ever had a homosexual experience?”  Sebastian raised an eyebrow.

 

            Bret chuckled nervously.  “Are you serious?”

 

            “You bet I am.”

 

            “Um…”  He took a sip of his own drink.  “I think I’ll pass on that one.”

 

            “That means you have to take the dare,” Sebastian reminded him.

 

            “I know.  I’ll take it.”

 

            Julie grinned.  “Okay, your dare is to kiss Sebastian,” she said.  “With tongue.”

 

            Bret’s eyes widened.  “You can’t be serious, Julie.”

 

            “I’m totally serious.  And you have no choice.  You made me take my dare.”

 

            “This is different!  And besides, how do you know Baz would even be willing to take part in that dare?”

 

            Julie turned to Sebastian.  “You game?”

 

            Sebastian looked at her for a minute, then shrugged.  “Look at my lifestyle,” he said. “This wouldn’t be the first time I tongue-wrestled with someone from the same team.”

 

            Bret looked at Sebastian in disbelief, and Julie wasn’t sure if he was in shock that Sebastian had agreed or that he’d just admitted to having homosexual experiences in the past.  Not one to turn down a dare, though, he cleared his throat.  “All right, fine.  I’ll do it.  Whatever.”

 

            Julie grinned.  “I’ve always wanted to see this.”

 

            “With us, or with any two guys?”

 

            “No comment.  Start kissing.  Stand up.”

 

            Sebastian laughed and rose to his feet, with Bret close behind him.  “I can’t believe I’m about to do this,” Bret said.

 

            They leaned forward and their lips met, tentatively at first, as though kissing were something neither of them had ever done before.  Julie watched, mesmerized, as she saw Sebastian’s tongue snake it’s way slowly across Bret’s lips, which parted slightly.  Finally, they began fully kissing, and Julie felt something deep down inside of herself begin to burn.  She found herself rising and going to stand beside them, even though a voice in her head commanded her firmly to stay in her seat.

           

            Without speaking, Bret broke the kiss and leaned down to pull Julie against him.  She closed her eyes as she felt his hot breath against her face, and eagerly accepted his insistent kisses, losing herself quickly in whatever was about to happen.  She felt his tongue in her mouth and Sebastian’s hand slowly working its way into her shirt, up over her stomach, and she let out a muffled moan.  Their kiss broke, and now both of their hands were on her, and again Sebastian and Bret moved toward each other. 

 

            “Is this what you wanted to see?” Sebastian said breathily, and leaned to kiss Bret again.  Julie watched, entranced, as they kissed each other with all of the skill and grace that they’d always kissed her with.  She felt as though she had no control over her own actions as she reached out for both of their waists.

 

            She managed to unzip Sebastian’s pants first, and as her hand crept inside she felt him tense.  Bret reached down and unbuttoned his own pants, not breaking his kiss with Sebastian.  Julie leaned up to kiss his neck, and at the same time she cautiously took his hand and placed it on Sebastian’s waist.

 

            Sebastian leaned forward in approval of Julie’s actions, and she pulled her hand away from him as she watched Bret’s hand fumble with the waist of his pants.  She turned her attention back to Bret’s obvious need for attention, and reached down to free him from the tight confines of his jeans.  She felt as though every inch of her being was crying out to be touched, and as if on cue, Sebastian reached down and deftly unbuttoned her jeans.  His hand snaked inside of them easily, and she was reminded of the first night they’d slept together.  When she felt his hands find their mark, she had to bite her lip to keep from crying out.  Bret’s hand had now found it’s way into Sebastian’s pants and was making gentle but insistent motions.

 

            Their kiss finally broke, and Sebastian quickly moved to kiss Julie, who accepted his kisses hungrily as Bret somehow managed to lift her shirt and bend to kiss her chest.  Julie felt as though she would go insane from all of the sensory imput.  Their touches felt incredible even through the haze of alcohol. 

           

            In one swift motion, Sebastian managed to untangle the three from each other and lift Julie up to place her on the table.  Bret pulled her shirt off, then his own.  Sebastian took the cue and removed his own shirt, and for a moment Julie just drank the sight of them in through lust-tinted eyes.  They stood before her in nothing but their unbuttoned pants, which seemed rather unnecessary given that their most important parts were already on display.  She offered no protests as Sebastian pulled her pants off.

 

            Bret’s fingers took the place of Sebastian’s as Sebastian again leaned in to kiss him.  By now, they were all far too drunk to think about what they were doing, or how close to a five-year-old’s bedroom they were doing it.  Alcohol and lust had completely taken over.  Julie moaned as Bret’s able hands worked on her and she watched the two men kiss. 

 

            In a fluid motion, Sebastian dropped to his knees on the floor before Bret, and it took Julie a few seconds of drunken comprehension to realize what was about to happen.  She propped herself up on her elbows and waited to see if Bret would protest. 

 

            He didn’t.  As Sebastian cautiously took Bret into his mouth, Bret threw his head back and closed his eyes, and Julie offhandedly wondering if he was imagining a very different scenario.  As she watched the scene before her, she felt her passion growing, and had to bite into the flesh of her hand to keep from crying out when she exploded.  By this point, Sebastian’s diligent work had Bret breathing heavily, and the movements of his hands on her became more erratic. 

 

            Sebastian stopped what he was doing and rose to his feet, his blond hair spilling about his shoulders and his face flushed.  She saw him look at Bret for a moment, then he turned and, moving his pants lower on his hips, thrust himself into her in one movement. 

 

Julie gasped and pushed back against him, reaching for Bret and picking up with her hands where Sebastian had left off with his mouth.  Sebastian felt the same as she remembered him.

 

            They stayed in this arrangement for a while, all of them barely managing to stay anything close to quiet.  Julie felt herself come twice more before Sebastian pulled out of her, and she kept her eyes closed as she felt the two men switch places.  She recognized the feeling of Bret inside her more easily than she had Sebastian, and their lithe bodies moved easily together as she coaxed Sebastian with her hand. 

 

            Sebastian and Bret began to kiss again above her, their movements much more hungry and determined than they had been before.  Julie exploded again as she watched them. 

 

            Bret whimpered and pulled back from Julie, reaching down to take matters into his own hands.  At the same time, he pushed Julie’s hand away from Sebastian, and took over where she’d left off. 

 

            Julie pulled herself upright and watched with drunken fascination as the movements of Bret’s hands became less controlled.  Both men had their eyes closed and their long hair spilling onto their now sweaty chests, and both were breathing heavily and making noises of pleasure. 

 

            “Fuck,” Bret said between his teeth, and spilled hotly onto Julie’s thighs, groaning.  Sebastian opened his eyes and drew in his breath sharply as Bret’s efforts achieved their goal, and a moment later, his fluids mixed with Bret’s.

 

            For a few minutes, no one spoke, as they let go of each other and regained their breath.  Julie opened her mouth to speak, but before she had the chance, she heard her daughter cry out from the next room, “Mommy!  Daddy!”

 

§

 

            Julie spit into the sink and studied her reflection in the mirror.  Everything seemed to be going very quickly and very slowly all at once.  She felt as though she’d been in the bathroom for hours, when in reality it had been less than five minutes.  She was still quite drunk, but the scream from her daughter’s room had sobered her up enough to snap out of her trance and begin to realize what she’d just done.

 

            She’d heard Devon cry out, and immediately jumped up in a hurry to put her clothes back on.  The sudden movement was too much and she found herself running to the bathroom to be sick, then she hastily rinsed her mouth out, and that brought her to staring at herself in the mirror.  She looked flushed and disheveled, and found it hard to meet her own gaze. 

 

            Julie knew that by now, Bret had gone into console Devon, and she stood for a moment longer before finally forcing herself to go check on them.  For a minute, she hovered quietly in the doorway. 

 

            Bret was sitting on the edge of Devon’s bed with his daughter in his lap, her face pressed against his bare chest.  He had his muscular arms wrapped tightly around her and was stroking her hair, and Julie’s breath caught.  This situation was all far too much.

 

            Bret turned and caught Julie’s eye, and she swallowed hard, expecting to see her own thoughts on his face.  Instead, his expression was only that of a concerned, although obviously intoxicated parent. 

 

            Julie made her way to the bedside, and the sound caused Devon to pull away from Bret to look up at her mother.  The little girl’s hair was stuck to her face with sweat and her eyes were wide.  “You okay, puss?” Julie asked, doing her best to sound sober and natural.

 

            The little girl nodded hesitantly.  “I had a bad dream,” she said. 

 

            “What kind of bad dream?”

 

            “It was about Daddy.”

 

            Bret shot Julie a questioning look over Devon’s head.  “What about me, sweetheart?” he asked.

 

            “That you went away,” Devon said, starting to cry again.  “I had a dream that I woke up and you weren’t here anymore and that you weren’t coming back.”  She buried her face in Bret’s chest again.

 

            Julie swallowed, uncertain of what to do.  It was easy to tell a child that the monsters in the closet didn’t exist, but Devon’s fear was a rational one, and she didn’t know what to say.

 

            “Well, that was a silly dream, wasn’t it,” Bret said in a strange voice.  Julie knew that she should really say something, because it really wasn’t a silly dream at all, but she kept her mouth shut.  The craziness of the night coupled with the amount of alcohol she’d consumed made it hard to even look normal, much less sound it.

 

            Devon cried into Bret’s chest for a few minutes, then pulled back.  Was it a silly dream, Daddy?”

 

            Julie suddenly couldn’t handle the situation a moment longer.  She glanced at Bret, then turned and left the room. 

 

            Sebastian was sitting at the kitchen table staring at an empty bottle of rum, still shirtless.  Julie didn’t even want to look at him, or Bret, but she forced herself to sit across from Sebastian.  She took a cigarette from Bret’s pack and lit it, puffing in silence.

 

            “You all right?”

 

            Julie started.  “What?”

 

            “Well, I mean, you were sick…”

 

            “Oh.  Yeah.  I’m okay.”

 

            “I think we all had a little too much to drink.”

 

            “Far too much,” Julie agreed.

 

            Bret appeared in the doorway.  “Well, I got Devon back to sleep.”  He sighed.  “There’s quite a mess to clean up here.”  He sounded uncomfortable.

 

            “You still drunk?” Sebastian asked.

 

            “Not really,” Bret replied, then took a step into the kitchen and stumbled.  He sat heavily in a chair.  “Upon consideration, I’d like to change my vote to yes.”

 

            “I’m definitely still drunk,” Julie agreed, and was thankful for it.  She could barely handle her reality so as it was.  “What about you?”

 

            Sebastian shook his head.  “Not really.” He paused, and looked at her pointedly. “I wasn’t all that drunk to begin with.”

 

            Julie took a breath.  “I think we should talk about this.”  Sebastian and Bret both looked at her silently and she felt herself flush.  “Something very… serious just happened, and I think we should definitely talk about it.”

 

            “I don’t see why it’s so serious,” Sebastian said. 

 

            “It’s serious because…” Julie faltered, frustrated and drunk.  “It’s serious because I’ve been a mother for over five years.  I’m a mother now, this isn’t my lifestyle anymore.”

 

            “You think this is our lifestyle?” Bret put in.  “Jesus.”

 

            “Maybe we should talk about this in the morning,” Sebastian said quickly.

 

            Bret stood up.  “I don’t think we should talk about it at all.”

 

            Julie swallowed hard and rose to her feet.  “I think we should just go to bed,” she said, struggling to keep her tone even.  “It’s pretty late, and I have to be up early to get Devon to school.”

           

            “Yeah,” Bret agreed.  “Let’s go to bed.”  He glanced at Sebastian, then headed down the hallway towards Julie’s room.

 

            Julie stood where she was for a minute, staring at the floor, then looked up at Sebastian.  “Oh, lord, where are you going to sleep?”

 

            “The couch is fine,” Sebastian said.  “If you’re okay with me staying.”

 

            “Of course.  There’s a blanket and pillow in there already, I think.”

 

            Sebastian rose.  “I’ll be fine.  I’ll just clean up this mess before I go to bed.”

 

            Julie wanted to tell him that he didn’t have to do that, but instead found herself saying just, “Thanks.”

 

            “Goodnight, Jules,” Sebastian sad, and kissed her quickly. 

 

            Julie took a step back.  “Goodnight, Sebastian.”

 

§

 

            Julie swam slowly into consciousness and discovered that her pounding headache had not abated, although her stomach was feeling somewhat better.  She had somehow managed to drag herself into miserable, hungover consciousness long enough to get Devon ready for school.  She called Sarah and mercifully, she took Devon early so that Julie could fall back heavily into bed.

 

            The clock told her in unrelenting numbers that it was already 9:30.  Sleeping the extra few hours hadn’t really helped much, she thought, as she pulled herself painfully into a sitting position.  In some small way, she was grateful for the hellish hangover; the physical agony made it nearly impossible to think about the events of the previous night, and served as proof that she had definitely not been in her right mind when she’d participated in them.

 

            She glanced at the other side of the bed, where Bret appeared to still be very much unconscious.  His blond hair fell over his face and onto his chest, and for a minute Julie just stared at him dumbly.  Then, careful not to wake him, she crawled out of bed and headed to the bathroom, where she peeled off yesterday’s clothes and stepped into the shower.

 

            The hot water made her feel marginally better, and a bit more awake, but her head was in agony and she still felt like she’d been run over by something large.  She brushed her teeth for as long as she could stand it, then silently went back to her room and quickly dressed.  Not feeling lively enough to bother with actually making herself look decent, she threw her hair into a careless ponytail and went into the kitchen.

 

            Sebastian was leaning against the counter sipping coffee, clad in only the jeans he’d been wearing the night before.  Julie took a breath.  “How long have you been up?”

 

            Sebastian shrugged.  “Forty-five minutes or so.”  He paused.  “You don’t look happy.  Want some coffee?”

 

            Julie eyed him for a minute.  “Sure,” she said.  “How is it that you’re not hungover?”

 

            Sebastian poured her a cup and handed it to her. “Who said anything about not being hungover?  It’s just that I’m hungover more often than not.”

 

            Julie dumped some sugar into her coffee and took a sip, then sat down heavily at the table.  “Well, I’m not.  I feel like I got hit in the head with a two by four.  I have no idea how I managed to get Devon ready for school.”

 

            “When does she come home, anyway?”

 

            “Not for a few hours yet,” she replied, “and for once, I think I’m glad about that.”

 

            Sebastian chuckled.  “I guess we were a bit excessive last night.”

 

            Julie looked up at him.  “I don’t think excessive even begins to cover what happened last night.”

 

            “You had fun, didn’t you?”  Sebastian grinned mischeviously.

 

            Before Julie could answer, Bret’s voice came from the doorway.  “That’s not really the point.”

 

            Julie turned to look at Bret, who looked quite disheveled, and she couldn’t help but find it sexy.  She turned away quickly.  “It’s really not,” she agreed.

           

            Sebastian frowned.  “You two are so uptight.”

 

            “I am not uptight,” Julie said indignantly.  “It’s just that…”  She faltered.  “I don’t…”

 

            “It doesn’t matter,” Bret said firmly.  “We were drunk, and there’s nothing to talk about.”

 

            Sebastian eyed Bret for a moment and seemed about to protest, but remained quiet.  Instead he poured a cup of coffee and handed it to Bret, who drank half of it in a swallow.  “So we’re all in agreement then?”

 

            “Agreement about what?” Sebastian asked.

 

            “That there’s no reason to discuss last night.”

 

            Julie furrowed her eyebrows.  “I’m not sure if sweeping it under the carpet is the best decision.”

 

            “I don’t see why it should be swept under the carpet, or discussed at length,” Sebastian said.  “I mean, what’s the big fucking deal?”

 

            Bret finished his coffee and set the cup down.  The sound made Julie’s head throb.  “I’m going out for a while,” he said. 

 

            “What?  Where are you going?” Julie asked.

 

            “I don’t know,” Bret replied.  “The store.  I’m sure there’s something I need.”  He left the room.

 

            Sebastian sighed.  “I guess I should probably go with him.”

 

            “What’s wrong with him?”

 

            Sebastian looked at her for a minute.  “I don’t know,” he said finally.  “I’ll do my best to find out, though.”  He went into the living room and returned a moment later with his shirt on.  “Need anything?”

 

            Julie sighed.  “Nothing you can pick up at the store.”

 

            Bret came back into the kitchen, now fully dressed and holding the keys to his rental car.  He looked at Julie.  “Would it be all right if I picked up Devon from school today?”

 

            Julie tried to consider the situation objectively, but her hangover got in the way.  “Sure,” she said after a minute.  She grabbed a piece of paper and pen from a drawer and scribbled directions on it.  “She’s finished at 12.  I’m sure she’ll be excited.”

 

            Bret took the paper and smiled a little.  “Thanks.”

 

            “I’m coming with you,” Sebastian announced.

 

            Bret looked about to argue, but changed his mind.  “Fine, whatever.  Let’s go.”

 

§

 

            Julie was staring out the window when the phone jangled, causing her to jump.  She grabbed it and said, “Hello?”

 

            “Yes, I’m looking for a Miss Julie Kinsington,” came a female voice on the other end of the line.

 

            “This is she,” Julie said tiredly.  Telemarketers made her skin crawl.

 

            “I’m calling from St. Vincent’s Hospital,” the woman said tersely, and Julie felt her blood turn to ice.  “There’s been an accident, and I’ve been asked to contact you.”

 

            “An accident?” Julie repeated lamely.

 

            “Yes.  Do you know a Mr…”  The woman paused and Julie heard papers shuffling.  “Michaels, and a Mr. Bach.”

 

            “Yes.  What happened?”

 

            “An automobile accident,” the woman replied curtly.  “Can you come to the hospital?”

 

            “Of course,” Julie replied, and took a breath.  “Was my daughter in the car?”

 

            More shuffling of papers.  “I don’t see any other names on the admission sheets,” the woman replied. 

 

            Julie felt relief wash over her, but only for a moment.  “Is it serious?”

 

            “You’ll really have to talk to the doctor about that, ma’am.”

 

            “All right, I’ll be there as quickly as I can.”  Julie hung up without waiting for a response and looked at the clock, which said it was 11:40.  Hurriedly, she dialed Sarah’s number.

 

            “Hello?” came her neighbor’s voice on the other end.

 

            “Sarah, thank god you haven’t left yet.”

 

            “Not for another five minutes.  What’s wrong?”

 

            “Well, as it turns out I do need you to pick Devon up from school,” Julie said.  “It seems my… friends got in a car accident and I have to go to the hospital.  Do you think you can watch Devon for a little while this afternoon?”

 

            “Of course,” her friend replied, concerned.  “Are they seriously hurt?”

 

            “I don’t know,” Julie replied.  “I hope not.”

           

            “Well, don’t let me keep you on the phone.  Get down there.”

 

            “All right.  Thanks a lot, Sarah.”

 

            “Don’t worry about it.”

 

            Julie hung up the phone, and without stopping to think twice, grabbed Sebastian’s car keys and left.

 

§

 

            By the time Julie managed to get to the hospital through the horrible afternoon city traffic, Bret was standing outside of the emergency room entrance smoking a cigarette.  Julie breathed a sigh of relief as she parked the car and rushed up to him.  “What happened?  Are you okay?”

 

            Bret raised his other hand to reveal a bandaged wrist.  “Sprained wrist,” he explained.  “And my back didn’t respond well, which rather sucks, but yeah, I’m mostly okay.”

 

            “Where’s Sebastian?”

 

            Bret’s expression darkened.  “They’re still working on him,” he replied, and Julie couldn’t quite decipher his tone.  “I haven’t seen him since it happened.”

 

            Julie took Bret’s cigarette from him and began smoking it.  “Since what happened?”

 

            “Didn’t they tell you anything when they called you?”

 

            “Just that it was a car accident.  The woman who called was less than helpful.”

 

            Bret paused.  “Wait.  Where’s Devon?”

 

            “With Sarah,” Julie replied.  “She’ll watch her until we get out of here.”

 

            Bret nodded.  “Good.  I was worried we’d left her stranded.”  He hesitated.  “Won’t she be scared that we’re not there?”

 

            “I doubt it.  She’ll be thrilled by the idea of getting to play at Sarah’s house with Emily.”  She paused.  “Now tell me what the hell happened.”

 

            Bret ran a hand through his hair.  “Jesus, Jule, it all happened so fast.”  He paused to light a new cigarette.  “We were arguing, and neither one of us was looking at the road, and next thing I know Baz turns his head and yells ‘fuck’ or something.”  He took a long drag on his cigarette.  “I totally didn’t see the light turn red and we were about to plow into a fucking truck.  So, I jerked the car to the right.  I don’t even know what we hit, I think it was one of those big fucking cement things with a tree in it.  Why those are necessary, I don’t know.”   Another drag.  “Totally fucking destroyed the rental car.  Well, the passenger side, anyway.”

 

            “Jesus Christ,” Julie breathed.

 

            “Yeah.  There was this horrible sound of crushing metal.  Not the first time I’ve heard that sound,” he reflected.  “Anyway, I guess I blacked out, because the next thing I remember is waking up to some paramedic hovering over me, asking if I hit my head.”  He stubbed the cigarette out.  “Everything from the neck up was throbbing, and the paramedics kept asking me questions, but I was just trying to look around and figure out what happened.”

 

            “And?”

 

            “The first thing I saw was the car.  I swear, the passenger side of that thing was barely even recognizable.”  Julie’s stomach twisted into a knot.  “Fucked up thing is, my side of the car looked okay.”  His voice sounded pained.  “So I looked around and there were two ambulances and a couple of cop cars.”

 

            “What about Sebastian?”

 

            “Well, I asked the paramedic three or four times about him, but she just kept asking me if this hurt or if that hurt.  It was pissing me off.  Of course it hurt, I just slammed my fucking car into a chunk of cement.”

 

Julie found herself smiling a little in spite of herself.  Her smile faded as she watched Bret’s expression darken again.  “They helped me to my feet and started leading me towards one of the ambulances, still totally ignoring my questions like I was just some raving lunatic, and that’s when I saw Baz.”  He lit another cigarette and Julie could tell how upset he was, even though he was trying to hide it.  “They were strapping him onto a stretcher, he wasn’t conscious.  His whole face was covered in blood, Jule, it was horrible.”

 

Julie exhaled.  “Oh my god,” was the only thing she could think of to say.

 

“That image is just frozen in my head, him just laying there.  One of his arms was hanging over the side…” Bret trailed off.

 

            Julie tentatively put a hand on Bret’s shoulder.  “I’m sure he’ll be okay,” she said, but she knew her tone betrayed her. 

 

            “God,” Bret said, and angrily threw the cigarette to the ground.  “I should have just kept my fucking mouth shut, Jule.  This is all my fault.  I shouldn’t have been fighting with him.”

 

            “What were you fighting about?”  Julie immediately regretted asking.  She knew that Bret would have included it in the explanation if he’d wanted to.

 

            He sighed.  “Nothing,” he said.  “Just about last night.”

 

            Julie’s curiosity doubled, but she refrained from questioning him further.  “We should go inside,” she said after a minute.

 

            Bret looked grateful for the change of topic.  “Yeah, I guess we should,” he agreed. 

 

            As they were walking inside, Julie had a thought.  “Did you call Angelique?”

 

            “Nope.”

 

            “Why not?”

 

            “I don’t know,” Bret replied.  “Because this situation is already dramatic enough without her special little flair.”

 

            “Granted,” she agreed, actually rather grateful that she wouldn’t have to deal with Angelique, at least not yet.  Julie was sure she hadn’t seen the last of her.  They reached the nurse’s desk.  “Excuse me,” Julie said.  “Can you tell me where we can find a patient?”

 

            “I can try,” the receptionist replied.

 

            “Sebastian Bach.”

 

            The receptionist typed something into her computer.  “I believe they moved him to…” She typed some more.  “411.  Fourth floor.”

 

            “Thank you,” Julie replied.  She and Bret rode the elevator to the fourth floor silently.

 

            “411.  Here it is,” Bret said.

 

            Julie blinked.  “There’s no one in here.”

 

            Bret looked into the room.  “Well, this is 411.  Maybe we should ask someone.”

 

            “There’s a nurse right over there,” Julie said, pointing.

 

            The nurse heard her and turned around, smiling.  “Can I help you guys?”

 

            “Yes, actually, we’re looking for the patient that was in this room.”

 

            The nurse’s pleasant expression darkened slightly.  “Are you family?”

 

            Julie cast a glance at Bret, who was clearly about to say no.  “Yes,” she put in quickly.  “I’m his sister.” 

 

            The nurse frowned.  “Haven’t you spoken to a doctor about his condition?  As you know, his condition was very critical.”

 

            Julie stiffened and found herself unable to speak.  “We weren’t sure how serious it was,” Bret jumped in.

 

            “Very,” the nurse assured them, looking uncomfortable.  “They… they did everything they could to revive him.”  She had obviously never done this before.

 

            “Excuse me?” Bret’s voice nearly cracked.

 

            “I’m really terribly sorry,” the nurse said.  “I’m sure the doctor will be here to talk to you any minute.  Excuse me.”  She hurried off.

 

            Julie looked up at Bret, wide-eyed and uncomprehending.  “Did… did she just tell us what I think she just told us?”

 

            “I guess that depends on what she just told you.”

 

            Julie and Bret whirled around when they heard Sebastian’s voice.  He was standing in the doorway of the room across the hall, a bandage across the left side of his forehead.  “Sebastian,” Julie breathed.  “They… the nurse said the patient in 411 died.”

 

            “Good thing I was in 409, then, huh,” Sebastian replied.

 

            “You’re okay, then?”

 

            Sebastian shrugged, wincing slightly.  “I’ll live.”  He looked at Bret.  “You okay, man?”

 

            Bret shifted uncomfortably.  “Yeah.  Just a sprain.”  He paused.  “What about you?”

 

            “Seven stitches in my forehead,” Sebastian replied, motioning to the bandage.  “Couple of cracked ribs.  It looked worse than it was.  Guess they thought I’d broken my head.”

 

            “Jesus,” Bret said.  “Baz, I… I’m really sorry about—“

 

            “Oh, can it,” Sebastian interrupted.  “Don’t get all wishy-washy on me.  It was just a little fender bender.”

 

            “Apparently you didn’t see the car.”

 

            “I suppose I should consider myself lucky to be alive or some such nonsense.”

 

            “Actually, you should,” Julie answered.  “I’d hug you, but I don’t want to hurt you.”

 

            Sebastian waved the idea off, wincing.  “Don’t be silly,” he said.  “A girly hug won’t hurt.”

 

            Julie tentatively went over and put her arms around Sebastian.  She could feel him tense up with the pain, and she let go.  “Are they making you stay here?”

            “Nah.  As soon as they bring me whatever pain meds they plan to dope me up on, we can get out of here.”  He hesitated.  “Then I can get out of your hair, go home to recuperate.”

 

            “Don’t be absurd!” Julie said.  “I wouldn’t dream of sending you home in this condition.”

 

            “I’ve been in worse shape, Jules.”

 

            “You’re not going to win this argument, Sebastian.  You’re staying at my place until you’re better.”

 

            “Yes, you are,” Bret agreed quickly. 

 

            “I don’t want to get in the way.”

 

            “You won’t.  Sebastian, I insist,” Julie said firmly.

 

            Sebastian sighed.  “Fine.  If you want to play Nancy Nurse, I suppose I’ll just have to let you.”

 

§

 

            Julie sat down heavily at the kitchen table and sighed.  “Devon’s finally asleep.”

 

            “She okay?” Bret asked.

 

            “Yeah.  I think I finally convinced her that you guys are going to be okay.”

 

            “Poor thing.  She seemed really worried about us.”

 

            “She is,” Julie agreed.  “But I think getting her to sleep tonight was the real battle.  I’m sure she’ll have a much rosier outlook in the morning.  She usually does.”

 

            Bret nodded.  “Baz passed out on the couch,” he said.  “Not quite sure what to do about that.”

 

            “I was just thinking the same thing.  I didn’t even think about the sleeping situation.”

 

            “Me neither.  I don’t think he should sleep on that couch the whole night, though.”

 

            “Definitely not, but that leaves us with a dilemma.”

 

             Bret sighed and lit a cigarette.  “No dilemma,” he said after a minute.  “I’ll just sleep on the couch.”

 

            “But Bret, your back…”

 

            “I’ll be fine,” he assured her, in a tone Julie didn’t find terribly reassuring.  “He’s hurt worse than I am, and besides, this is all my fault.”

 

            “Bret—“

 

            “It is.”  Bret’s voice was firm and clearly stated that he wasn’t going to say anything more on the topic.  “Besides, the only other option involves me sleeping with Baz, and I’m not anywhere near drunk enough to do that.”

 

            Julie couldn’t help but smile.  “Okay, fair enough,” she said finally.  “But that arrangement isn’t going to work out for very long, and we don’t know how long it’s going to take.”

 

            Bret smirked at her.  “Do you always think this much?”

 

            “Are you kidding?  This is a slow night for me.”

 

            “Look, Jules, if I have to buy another bed for this place, then that’s what I’ll do.  Just relax.”

 

Julie tried to smile, but the ramifications of the decision were a bit hard to comprehend.  Now, on top of everything else, she was going to have to sleep in the same bed as a wounded Sebastian, a prospect made only worse by the events of the previous night.  She knew, though, that there was really no other option and that Bret was doing what he was doing out of guilt that would just have to pass on its own.

 

            Bret stubbed out his cigarette, almost violently.  “Jules,” he said tentatively.  “About last night…”

 

            Julie’s stomach flip-flopped.  That was the last thing she’d expected him to bring up tonight.  “Yeah,” she said finally.

 

            “Well, I mean… I’ve never…”

 

            “You mean with three people, or just with another guy?”

 

            “Well, with another guy.”  Bret almost smirked. 

 

            “I’ve never done anything like that at all.”

 

            “Do you regret it?” Bret lit another cigarette, looking everywhere but at Julie.

 

            Julie looked down at the table.  “Yes,” she said after a minute.  “Do you?”

 

            Bret hesitated.  “Yes, but probably not for the same reasons you do.”

 

            Julie looked up at him, unable to decipher the emotion in his eyes.  “What do you mean?”

 

            A long moment passed in silence before Bret rose to his feet and sighed.  “I don’t mean anything,” he said.  “Come on.  Let’s get Sebastian into bed.”

 

            Julie frowned, but didn’t press the issue.  Instead, she rose to her feet and followed Bret into the living room.  Sebastian was lying on his back, fast asleep, his mouth partially open.  “He looks pretty zonked,” she commented.

 

            Bret reached down and picked up the bottle of pills on the table. “Percodan,” he said.  “I’m sure he ignored the recommended dosage.”

 

            “And washed them down with vodka,” Julie added, nodding towards the bottle of Absolut on the coffee table.  “Think he’s all right?”

 

            “Oh, he’s fine,” Bret assured her.  “He’s just… very comfortable.”

 

            Julie smirked.  “Well, I guess we’re carrying him then?”

 

            “Looks that way.  We could drop a house on him and he wouldn’t wake up right now.”  He paused.  “I think I can get him on my own, though.”

 

            Julie eyed Bret warily.  “Are you sure?”

            “It’s been a while, but this is not the first time I’ve had to carry Sebastian somewhere.”

 

            “But your wrist…”

 

            “My wrist is fine,” Bret assured her.  “Remember, they gave me some painkillers of my own.” He reached down and scooped Sebastian into his arms, groaning slightly. 

           

            “There was something very ‘damsel in distress’ about that,” Julie commented.

 

            “Funny,” Bret said.  “Now move.”  Julie stepped aside and then followed Bret down the hall to the bedroom, where Sebastian was dropped rather ungracefully onto the bed. 

 

            “We’ll have to pull the covers down,” Julie noted.

 

            Bret sighed and lifted Sebastian’s limp form again.  “Do it.”

 

            Julie quickly pulled the comforter and sheet down, and Bret dropped Sebastian.  He rubbed at his wrist. 

 

            “I thought you said it didn’t hurt.”

 

            “No, I said I had painkillers.  I didn’t say I’d taken any.”

 

            Julie frowned.  “Well, for heaven’s sake, take one.”

 

            “Relax.  I plan to take a bit more than one and have a nice evening on your sofa.”

 

            “Well, I think we should all follow Sebastian’s example and get some sleep.  Come on, I’ll tuck you in.”

 

            Bret smiled and followed Julie back to the couch.  He pulled a bottle from his pocket and swallowed a few of the pills with the vodka from the table, then sat on the couch and slid his shoes off.  “What a couple of days,” he commented dryly.

 

            “Tell me about it,” Julie said, pushing him down onto his back.

 

            Bret looked up at her, his blue eyes sparkling mischievously.  “Why, Jules,” he said mockingly, “what are you doing?”

 

            Julie paused, their faces inches a part, then smiled and stood up straight again.  “I’m tucking you in, like I said.”  She grabbed a blanket from under the coffee table and covered him with it.

 

            “Of course,” Bret said, and Julie thought he sounded a bit disappointed.

 

            “Sleep well.”

 

            “You, too.”

 

            “I’ll try.  Unfortunately, I haven’t the aid of pills like you two.”

 

            Bret reached over and picked up Sebastian’s Percodan.  “Take a couple of these.  He won’t mind.”  He tossed her the bottle.

 

            Julie glanced at the pills in her hand.  “I don’t know, Bret.  Doesn’t he need these?”

 

            “Trust me, Jules, he’s got at least two refills on those things.  We’re rockstars.  He won’t mind if you take a few to go to bed.”

 

            Julie hesitated, then opened the bottle and shook two white pills into her hand.  Then, on a whim, she added two more to the pile in her palm before closing the bottle and putting it down.  “Hand me the vodka.”  Bret passed her the alcohol, and she swallowed all four pills at once.

 

            “How many did you take? Two?”

 

            Julie smiled sheepishly.  “Four.”

 

            Bret chuckled.  “Partying with the big kids tonight, huh?  You should get yourself to bed before those kick in.”

 

            Julie put the bottle of Absolut back on the table.  “You’re right.  I’ll see you in the morning.”

 

            “Goodnight.”

 

§

 

            Julie lay in the pitch blackness of her bedroom, listening to Sebastian’s slow and steady breathing.  The Percodan had left her in a warm, comfortable haze, and although it was impossible to keep her eyes open, sleep wasn’t happening yet.  Right now, she thought, nothing could possibly go wrong.  The problems of the evening seemed impossibly far away.

 

            Without fully realizing what she was doing, Julie leaned over and snuggled against Sebastian, who stirred.  “I’m sorry, Sebastian,” she said, her voice sounding more wispy than usual.  “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

 

            “Jule?”  He sounded groggy and confused.

 

            “I thought you should sleep in a bed tonight,” she explained.  “Rather than the couch.”  She paused.  “How are you feeling?  Are you in pain?”

 

            “I took eight of those painkillers.  I can’t feel a thing.”  He paused.  “You sound a little medicated there yourself, Jule.”

 

            “Bret said I could take a few of your pills,” Julie said, her voice slow and gravelly. It was practiculy a purr, thought a voice deep in her head.

 

            Sebastian chuckled into the darkness.  “How many is a few?”

 

            “Four.”

 

            He laughed.  “I wouldn’t recommend walking any time soon, sugar.”

 

            “I doubt if I could convince myself I had legs.”  She felt Sebastian’s arm snaking around her, and she slid more closely against him. 

           

            “It’s nice to have someone to lay next to,” Sebastian said after a minute.

 

            Julie made a contented sound.  “It is.”

 

            “Where’s Bret sleeping?”

 

            “The couch,” Julie replied, vaguely trying to decide if she liked the way the painkillers made her voice sound. 

 

            “I’m sure he was thrilled about that.”

 

            “His idea.  Anyway, I don’t know how many painkillers he took, so I’m sure he’s just fine.”

 

            Sebastian chuckled. “Sounds like we’re all just fine.”

 

            “Indeed,” Julie agreed.  “I don’t think I’ve ever been quite this brand of fine.”

 

            “First time for opiates?”

 

            “Beyond the recommended dose of cough syrup with codeine, yes.”

 

            “You must be feeling pretty good right now.”

 

            “You have no idea.”

 

            “I wouldn’t bet on that.”

 

            It was Julie’s turn to chuckle, although her memories of Sebastian and opiates weren’t exactly the best.  “Okay, fair enough.  You did take twice as much as I did.”

 

            “Yes, I did,” Sebastian agreed, “and I’m feeling pretty good.”

 

            “I second that.  I can’t think of a single complaint about how I feel right now.”

 

            “I don’t know.  I could probably think of one.”

 

            “Really?  What?”

 

            “Having had a lot of sex while under the influence of opiates,” Sebastian replied matter-of-factly, “I find that every time I’m on them, I’ve got sex on the brain.”

 

            Julie was quiet for a minute, not entirely sure how to respond.  “I bet it would be nice,” she said finally.

 

            “Nice is probably one of the best words there is for what it is.”

 

            Julie pulled herself up so she was propped up on one elbow.  “I can’t see you,” she said quietly.

 

            “I’m right here.”  Sebastian turned his head slightly and Julie could feel his face brush against hers. 

 

            The sensation gave Julie goosebumps, and without pausing to think about it, she leaned forward and pressed her lips against his.  The action was sudden and fumbling, and Julie found herself for a moment thinking of her first awkward experimenting with boys as a teenager. 

 

            Sebastian accepted her kiss eagerly, nudging her lips open with his tongue and kissing her with a raw hunger that somehow was still very sensuous and gentle.  Julie couldn’t believe how exquisite it was to taste and feel him, not that it had ever been anything less.  The pills had done an excellent job of lowering her inhibitions while heightening her senses.  She felt her hand reaching over to feel Sebastian’s chest, smooth and warm under her fingers.  Slowly, her hand worked its way lower, under the covers, and she deftly unbuttoned his jeans.

 

            “Jule,” he said into her mouth.

 

            She backed away.  “Yes?” she said, her voice nothing but a throaty whisper.

 

            Sebastian did not reply, and after a moment Julie pulled herself fully upright and slipped the covers down.  Through a silent and combined effort, Sebastian’s pants were removed and tossed carelessly to the floor.  Julie knew that her sense of reasoning was completely gone, and she had little doubt that Sebastian was in a similar state, especially with the physical evidence that was inches from her face.  Without waiting for any sort of verbal affirmation, Julie took Sebastian into her mouth.

 

§

 

            From underneath the haze of sleep, Julie heard her bedroom door open and footsteps approach the bed.  She struggled to wake up enough to respond, but her body resisted and she found herself fully conscious but unable to do much about it.  Bits and pieces of the previous night popped into her head unbidden; she remembered kissing Sebastian, and then…

 

            Julie managed to pull her eyes open enough to see Bret standing at the foot of the bed, a strange expression on his face.  Julie tried to say good morning, but what came out was a muffled jumble of sounds.

 

            “Devon’s ready for school,” Bret said, an odd tone in his voice.  He sounded far away.

 

            Sebastian stirred and Julie managed to roll her eyes in his direction, only to find that he was undressed, tangled in the covers.  She closed her eyes and willed the image away, to no avail.

 

            “Baz, you’re not wearing pants,” Bret pointed out.  Julie pushed her head under a pillow.

 

            “What of it,” Sebastian replied, his voice thick with sleep.  He didn’t sound much more conscious than Julie felt.

 

            “Just… making sure you’re aware of that,” Bret said, his voice still sounding decidedly strange.  “I’m going to go take Devon to school.”

 

            Julie tried to protest, but found herself rapidly succumbing to the comfort of sleep once more.

 

§

 

            Julie blinked a few times before her vision came fully into focus.  The clock next to her bed told her that it was nearly 10:30 in the morning and she panicked for a moment before remembering that Bret had taken Devon to school.  Yawning, Julie pulled herself into an upright position, still groggy from all the oxycodone she’d taken the night before.  Slowly, she pieced the events of the previous night together in her head.  She remembered being quite high, kissing Sebastian, unbuttoning his jeans… that was where things got fuzzy.  Julie knew what had happened, but she wasn’t sure how long it had gone on.

 

            Sebastian’s side of the bed was empty, and for a minute Julie toyed with the idea of simply going back to sleep and letting the guys pick up the workload for the day.  It was an idea she quickly decided against.  She trusted Bret and Sebastian with Devon, strangely enough, but given the circumstances, she wasn’t entirely sure she trusted the guys with each other.

 

            Julie dragged herself out of bed and stretched again, noticing she’d fallen asleep in her clothes.  Without giving the matter much thought, she made her way to the kitchen, where she found Sebastian leaning against the cabinets, holding the bottle of vodka from last night.  It was nearly empty.  “A little early for Absolut, don’t you think?”

 

            “S’never too early,” Sebastian replied drunkenly.

 

            “Sure,” Julie said, fixing herself a glass of orange juice.  “You definitely sound like you’re in a state of good judgment.”

 

            “Want me to make you a screwdriver?”

 

            “No, Sebastian.  Thank you.”

 

            Sebastian took another long swallow from the bottle and took a shaky step forward, only to fall back against the cabinets.  “I guess these pills really are stronger with alcohol,” he noted.

 

            Julie sighed.  “Sebastian, how many did you take since you’ve been up?”

 

            Sebastian shrugged. “I don’t know.  A few.”

 

            “A few like three, or a few like twelve?”

 

            “It takes quite a few pills…” He trailed off and Julie noticed for the first time how pale he looked.

 

            “Sebastian?  Are you all right?”

 

            “Fine,” he replied, in a voice that betrayed him. 

 

            “I think it’s time to put the vodka away, honey.” 

 

            “If you say so.”  Sebastian took a step forward, extending the bottle towards her.  From that point, everything seemed to happen very quickly. 

 

            The bottle fell from Sebastian’s hand and shattered across the linoleum.  Julie poised herself to reprimand him, then noticed how unsteady he was, and how his complexion seemed to be getting more pale by the second.  “Sebastian?”

 

            He didn’t respond.  Instead, he took a faltering step forward and then fell.  Julie reached out to grab him, but her movements weren’t quick enough, and Sebastian’s head connected with the kitchen table with a sickening thud.  For a moment, Julie just stood staring, not quite able to register what was happening, then she snapped out of it and fell to her knees.  “Sebastian!” she said urgently.  The tall singer had fallen half-under the table, slouched over, and Julie grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him backwards. 

 

            The gash above his eye had re-opened, and a widening trickle of blood was running down over his face, dripping onto his bare chest.  Julie felt her stomach flip over.  “Sebastian,” she said again, struggling to keep her voice even, although no one was around to see her lose her calm.  She was sure Sebastian wouldn’t notice.

 

            Sebastian made a muffled noise that wasn’t quite a word.  Julie held him upright and forced herself to study the situation objectively.  The singer’s face was pale in a way that Julie had only remembered seeing once before, years ago when Sebastian had overdosed on cocaine and Bret’s blood sugar had plummeted.  His eyes were mostly shut, but occasionally they’d open only to roll back into his head, and the bleeding seemed to only be getting worse. 

 

            “Sebastian, you cocksucker,” Julie said.  “Come on.  Snap out of it!”  She somehow managed to support his weight with one hand long enough to grab a dish towel off of the counter, which she pressed against the wound.  It was only a matter of seconds before blood began to seep through.  “Fuck,” Julie said to no one in particular.  “Where the hell is Bret?” 

 

            Julie took a deep breath.  She knew she didn’t have a choice.  She had to get Sebastian to the hospital somehow.  Letting the dish towel drop to the floor, she rose to her feet, and using all the strength she could muster, somehow pulled Sebastian into an upright position.  “Sebastian,” she said, her voice strained, “I need you to walk for me.  Can you walk for me?”

 

            Sebastian mumbled something in response and swayed, but managed to stay upright.  Julie let go of him and watched him out of the corner of her eye as she wiped up the blood on the floor and tossed the dish towel into the garbage.  She was about to write a note to Bret, but Sebastian lurched forward and nearly fell.  Saying a small prayer that Bret would just magically know to pick up Devon from school, Julie caught Sebastian before he could fall.  “Come on,” she said, although she doubted he could even understand her.  “Try to work with me here, Sebastian.”

 

§

 

            “Fucking traffic!” Julie yelled to no one in particular.  By some miracle of God, she had managed to get Sebastian downstairs, outside, and into the car, but traffic was brutally slow.  She glanced at the clock.  It had been nearly half an hour since Sebastian had started bleeding, and Julie’s heart was hammering in her chest.  She looked over at him.  The blood flow didn’t seem to be slowing down at all, and Sebastian’s eyes were closed. 

 

            Julie poked him hard in the chest.  “Come on, fuckwad!” she said loudly.  “Don’t fucking fall asleep on me.”  Sebastian made a noise and his eyes fluttered a few times.  “Don’t you fucking die on me,” Julie said, more softly.  Then, barely whispering, she added, “I love you too much for that.”

 

§

 

            Julie had been in the waiting room alone for over two hours.  It was after 1:30, and though she’d called home several times, there had been no answer there or at Sarah’s.  She tried to convince herself that Bret had picked Devon up from school, but it wasn’t working very well.

 

            “Miss?”

 

            Julie looked up sharply at the doctor standing before her.  “Yes?” she said, standing up.

 

            “I’m Dr. Rosenthal,” he said, extending a hand, which Julie tentatively shook.  “You brought Mr. Bach in, is that correct?”

 

            “Yes,” Julie replied.  “He’s my… he’s a friend of mine.  He’s been staying with me.”

 

            The doctor nodded.  “Well, it seems he had quite a nasty spill.”

 

            It was Julie’s turn to nod.  “He hit his head on the table.”  She thought it sounded stupid, but it was also the truth.

 

            “I see he was just in here yesterday.”  Dr. Rosenthal glanced at the clipboard in his hands.  “An automobile accident, is that correct?”

 

            “Yes,” Julie replied.  “Sebastian has always been a bit…” She bit back ‘of an asshole’.  “Reckless.”

 

            The doctor smiled mirthlessly.  “Well, he had dangerous levels of oxycodone and alcohol in his blood,” he said.  “It’s a very unsafe combination.” 

 

            Julie nodded mutely.  What was she supposed to say?  Sorry, Doc, he’s a rockstar.  You know how they are.

 

            “He’s going to be all right this time,” Dr. Rosenthal said, and Julie breathed a sigh of relief.  “The alcohol thinned his blood, which is why the bleeding was so profuse.  He’s resting now, and we’d like to keep him overnight just to make sure everything is all right.  You’ll be able to pick him up here tomorrow?”

 

            “Yes.”

 

            “I know your friend is an adult, but you’re going to have to make sure he’s more careful.  He was very lucky that nothing more serious happened.”

 

            “I understand.”  Julie felt reprimanded, even though she knew that what happened hadn’t been her fault.

 

            The doctor nodded.  “Well, I’ll just need you to sign this, so that he can be released into your care tomorrow.”  Julie took the pen and clipboard from the doctor and signed where he indicated, then handed it back.  “For now, I’d just go home and try not to worry.  He’ll be just fine.”

 

            “Thank you.”  Julie stood motionless for a minute, watching Dr. Rosenthal’s back as he walked away, then she hurried out of the hospital.  She drove as quickly as she could home, narrowly missing more than one head-on collision.  She cursed at the slow speed of the elevator, and rushed into her apartment only to find it as empty as it had been when she’d left. 

 

            Without bothering to make herself look any more presentable, Julie rushed next door.  She didn’t bother knocking. 

 

            Devon and Emily were sitting on the living room floor, watching Cinderella.  Julie breathed her second sigh of relief in an hour.  “Hiya, puss,” she said, trying to sound cheerful.

 

            “Hi, Mommy,” Devon said, turning around but not getting up.

 

            “Did Daddy pick you up from school?”

 

            The little girl nodded.  “Then he brought me here to play with Emily.”

 

            Julie smiled.  “Where did he go?”

 

            “He’s talking to Emily’s mommy,” Devon replied, pointing down the hall.  Then she turned back to the movie.

 

            Julie headed down the hallway towards Sarah’s closed bedroom door, wondering what she and Bret had to talk about.  “Sarah?”

 

            Just before Julie reached for the doorknob, Sarah’s bedroom door flew open and Sarah came out.  She was flushed and her shirt was partially unbuttoned.  “Julie,” she said, sounding out of breath.

 

            Julie took a step backwards.  “Hi,” she said uncertainly.

 

            Bret appeared behind Sarah, tucking his shirt into his pants.  “Jules,” he said, sounding nervous.  “Where were you?”

 

            Julie took a breath.  “At the hospital,” she replied.  “Sebastian hit his head.”

 

            Sarah and Bret exchanged a glance.  “Is he all right?” Bret asked.

 

            “He’ll be fine,” Julie said tightly.  “He has to stay overnight.”

           

            “Jesus,” Bret said.  “Well, I came home earlier and saw that you weren’t home, so I picked Devon up from school and brought her over here to play.”

 

            “I see she’s not the only one who got to play.”  Julie was attempting to sound light-hearted, but it didn’t work.

 

            “Jule…” Bret said.  At the same time, Sarah said, “Julie…”

 

            Julie waved them off.  “I’m going to go home and take a shower,” she said.  “You two have fun.”  Without waiting for a response, she turned and left.

 

§

 

            Julie was brushing her wet hair when she heard Bret trying to open her locked bedroom door.  She put the brush down and looked in the direction of the door, but didn’t speak.

 

            “Jules?”  His voice sounded embarrassed and remorseful.  “Can I come in?”

 

            Still not speaking, Julie got up and unlocked the door, then went back to brushing her hair.  “It’s open,” she said finally.

 

            Bret came in, looking considerably less disheveled than he had thirty minutes before.  “Hi,” he said tentatively.

 

            “Hi,” she replied, not looking at him.  She did her best to keep her voice even and unemotional.  She knew that really, she had no right to be angry with him.

 

            “Listen, about earlier…”

 

            “What about it?”  Julie paused.  “Thank you for taking care of Devon today.”

 

            Bret looked surprised.  “Sure.”

 

            “Where is she?”

 

            “She’s still watching Cinderella with Emily.  Sarah said she’d keep her for a few hours and bring her home after dinner, if that’s okay with you.”

 

            Julie almost said it wasn’t okay, but she had less of a reason to be angry with Sarah than she did with Bret.  In fact, she had no reason at all to be angry with Sarah.  “That’s fine.”

 

            “What happened to Baz?”

 

            “He got trashed and did a nose dive into the kitchen table.  He wouldn’t stop bleeding, so I took him in.”

 

            “What a fuckhead.  Is he okay?”

 

            “He’ll be fine.”  A moment of silence passed between them.

 

            “Jules, look, I didn’t mean for anything to happen with Sarah.”

 

            Julie almost laughed, but it wasn’t funny.  “What did happen with Sarah?” she asked, even though she wasn’t sure she wanted to know, and even though she was fairly sure she already did know.

 

            Bret shifted uncomfortably.  “Well… I mean, you know…”

 

            Julie sighed.  “Yeah.  I know.”

 

            “I don’t want you to be upset.”

 

            Julie took a breath.  “Bret, I’m not upset,” she lied.  “Anyway, I’m not the woman you should be worrying about in this case.”

 

            Bret stiffened.  “You’re not going to tell her, are you?”

 

            Julie finally looked at him.  “Of course not,” she replied truthfully.  “I don’t want to see you hurt, and I certainly don’t want to see your girlfriend helped, if you’ll pardon my honesty.”

 

            Bret shrugged.  “I suppose I can’t really say I blame you there.”

 

            Julie put her brush down and rose to her feet.  “You know, I really don’t know why you stay with her.”

 

            Bret raised an eyebrow.  “Yeah, sometimes I wonder that myself.”

 

            “I mean, Bret, I don’t want to insult your taste in women, seeing as I was at one time a part of it,” she continued, “but, my god.  The woman is a cokehead stripper who appears to be made nearly entirely of silicone.”

 

            “Guilty,” Bret admitted.

 

            “And she has the personality of a rabid weasel.”  Julie paused.  “At least a rabid weasel has a disease to excuse its actions.  The woman makes me want to ram one of her six-inch stiletto heels through one of her eyes.”  Bret blinked and looked at her quietly.  “Cat got your tongue?”

 

            “No, I… I’ve just never seen you so…”

 

            “So what?  Appalled by the decline of the human race?  Forgive me for being a little bit disgusted that Angelique seemed like a logical choice for the next serious relationship after me.”

 

            “I’ve never compared the two of you.”

 

            Julie snorted.  “I should hope not.  I mean, I even have my own breasts.”

 

            Bret sat on the edge of the bed and eyed her warily.  “And… they’re perfectly lovely breasts,” he said uncertainly.

 

            “I’m surprised you still think so, given your obvious affection for the large and plastic.”

 

            “Julie, I didn’t start dating her for her breasts.”

 

            “Oh, no?  Then what did you start dating her for?”

 

            Bret paused.  “Okay, so maybe I initially noticed her breasts.  But that’s not why I’m with her, Jules.”  Before Julie could argue, he continued.  “When did this become a discussion on my current romantic life?”

 

            “Since your current romantic life extended to you screwing my neighbor and then making a fumbling attempt to apologize to a girl you have absolutely no responsibilities to.”

 

            Bret sighed.  “Good answer.”

 

            “So, why are you with her?  I mean, I’m sure she’s a wildcat in bed.”

 

            “Do you really want to talk about Angel’s sexual techniques, Julie?”

 

            “I don’t know,” Julie replied flippantly.  “Do you think I could learn a thing or two from her?”

 

            Bret half-smiled.  “Unless something has really changed in the past few years, I don’t think anything needs fine-tuning on your part.”

 

            “I’m sure I don’t compare to the sexual Olympics of a stripper hopped up on cocaine.”

 

            “And I’m sure I have no idea what the hell is going on right now.”

 

            Without pausing to allow her better judgment to get in the way, Julie leaped onto the bed and pushed Bret onto his back, unbuttoning his shirt.

 

            “Jules?  What…”

 

            “Shut up,” Julie said firmly.

 

§

 

            “I win!!” Devon cried triumphantly.

 

            “You sure did,” Bret agreed.  “You’re definitely the queen of Candy Land.”

 

            “Did you hear that, Mommy?  I’m the queen!”

 

            Julie glanced up from the book she was reading.  Bret and Devon were sitting cross-legged on the floor, playing Candy Land, like they had been for the past hour.  “So I heard,” Julie said.  “But even the  queen of Candy Land has school tomorrow.”

 

            “Aw, Mom, just one more game?”

 

            “Nope.  The last three games were supposed to be just one more game.”

 

            “Your mother’s right,” Bret said. “We’ll play again tomorrow.  Go get ready for bed, and I’ll come tuck you in.”

 

            “Okay, Daddy.”  The little girl got up.

 

            “Don’t forget to brush your teeth, puss.”

 

            “I won’t.”

 

            “Devon,” Bret said, “I have a friend who works for the FBI, and he can tell me if you really brushed your teeth or if you just ran the toothbrush under the water.”

 

            Devon’s eyes widened.  “Really?”

 

            Bret nodded sagely.  “Yes.  Really.”

 

            “It’s true,” Julie agreed.  “I guess you’d better really brush your teeth, huh?”

 

            “I will,” Devon promised sincerely, and ran off.

 

            “Not bad,” Julie said, smirking.

 

            Bret shrugged and began cleaning up the board game.  “When I was five years old, I always used the faucet trick.”

 

            Julie closed her book.  “You’re really good with her, Bret.”

 

            “Beginner’s luck.”

 

            “That’s some lucky streak.”

 

            Bret chuckled and climbed to his feet.  “Well, I’m glad she likes me,” he said.  “I’m totally smitten, you know.”

 

            “So it seems,” Julie said, also standing up.  “Here.  Give me the game, and I’ll put it away.  You go make sure she’s getting ready for bed.”

 

            “Sure.”  Bret handed her the box and followed her down the hallway, turning off into Devon’s room as Julie continued on to put Candy Land away in her closet. 

 

            She reached for the doorknob and turned, but the door wouldn’t open.  She put the game down and pulled harder, to no avail.  “Stupid door,” she muttered under her breath.  Then, more loudly, “Bret!”

 

            Bret came in with Devon trailing behind him in her pyjamas.  “What’s up?”

 

            “This stupid door is stuck,” Julie said, motioning.

 

            “Precisely why you need a man around the house,” Bret said, chuckling.  He grabbed the doorknob and pulled, but the door stubbornly refused to budge.

 

            “Sure,” Julie said, laughing.  “We need a man to not open the same door we can’t open.”

 

            Bret smacked her playfully.  “I’ll get it open,” he assured her.  Once again, he grabbed onto the doorknob, this time with both hands.  This time, it opened easily, and Bret fell backwards, knocking Julie over.  They landed in a crumbled heap on the floor.

 

            “Ow,” Julie said, but she burst out laughing.

 

            Bret was laughing, too.  “Are you okay?”  He pulled himself onto his knees.

 

            “You might have fractured my spine, but other than that, yeah,” Julie said between laughs.  “What about you?  Your wrist?”

 

            Bret rubbed at it a second.  “I’m okay.”  Still laughing, he reached down to help Julie up.

 

            “What the fuck is this?”

 

            Bret and Julie looked up simultaneously to see Angelique hovering in the bedroom doorway, her hands on her hips.  They both jumped to their feet.  “How the hell did you get in here?” Julie demanded.

 

            “The kid let me in,” Angelique replied, then turned to Bret.  “Bret?  Care to explain?”

 

            “Uh…”

 

            “He was helping me open a stuck door,” Julie cut in.  “What are you doing here?”

 

            Angelique ignored the question.  “Her door was stuck?” she repeated sarcastically.  “Is that really the best you two can come up with?”

 

            “Oh, for Christ’s sake, everything isn’t a sexual innuendo,” Julie said, anger creeping into her tone.  “Well, to those of us who don’t take our clothes off for money, anyway.”

 

            “As if anyone would pay for it in your case,” Angelique snapped back.

 

            “Mommy?”

 

            “Devon, go in your room and wait for me to come tuck you in,” Bret said quickly. The little girl readily obeyed, seeming a bit uncertain about Angelique.

 

            Angelique turned back to Bret.  “What the hell is this domestic bullshit?”

 

            “I see no reason for a five-year-old girl to be involved in this, Angel.”

 

            “But it’s acceptable for her to be involved in you pawing her mother on the carpet?”

 

            “Angel, I wasn’t pawing anyone,” Bret said tightly.  “We fell.”

 

            “I’d still like to know what the hell you’re doing in my house,” Julie interrupted.

 

            “Are you still talking?”

 

            “Excuse me?”

 

            “I don’t believe I addressed you.”

 

            “I don’t believe I let you in my fucking house!”

 

            “You lost the option of keeping me away when you decided to shack up with my boyfriend because in five years you haven’t managed to find anyone else insane enough to like you.”

 

            “Angelique!” Bret said firmly.  “That’s enough.  Leave her alone.”

 

            “Bret, this is fucking absurd,” Angelique replied.  “I do not have time to sit around in a hotel room while you play house with some little slut.”

 

            “Does anyone else see the irony in that?” Julie spat.

 

            “Angel, you’ve got to stop showing up here unannounced.”

 

            Angelique took a breath.  “Bret, get your things together.  We’ll discuss this on the trip home.”

 

            “I can’t do that right now.”

 

            “And why the fuck not?”

 

            “Because I’m spending time with my friends and my daughter.”

 

            “Your friends?  This little cunt isn’t your friend, she’s just trying to capitalize on your money and using her daughter as a pawn, and Sebastian isn’t even here.”

 

            “No.  He’s not.  He’s in the hospital, Angelique.”

 

            Julie scanned the stripper’s face for any signs of softening, but found none.  “I’m sorry to hear that,” Angel said in a voice that couldn’t have been less sorry.  “We’ll have to send a sympathy card.  Now get your things.”

 

            “I’m not leaving, Angelique.”

 

            “Bret, god damn it, this has been going on long enough.  I have been very patient with this entire situation, but it’s got to stop now.”

 

            “Patient, my ass,” Julie said.

 

            “I’ve heard just about enough out of you.”

           

            “Then I suggest you get the hell out of my apartment,” Julie bit back.  “In case you’ve missed it, no one wants you here.”

 

            “I’ve just come back for what’s mine, you desperate whore.”

 

            Julie felt the last thread of self-control snap.  “Who the hell do you think you are?  You’re a fucking plastic cokehead stripper and you’re coming into my house uninvited and calling me a—“

 

            Angelique took a step forward and in one quick motion slapped Julie across the face.  “Bite your tongue, bitch.”

 

            Before Julie could even react, Bret was grabbing Angelique roughly by the arm and dragging her towards the front door.  “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Angelique screeched.  “Let go of me!”

 

            Bret opened the front door.  “Yes, Angelique,” he said, his voice thick with anger, “that is exactly what I’m going to do.”  He pushed her into the hall and released his grasp on her arm.

 

            “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

 

            “Something I should have done a long time ago,” Bret replied.  “Angelique, you are a whiny, self-righteous woman with absolutely no regard for anyone but yourself, and at this point, the very sight of you makes me nauseous.”  He paused.  “Go back to the hotel, get your shit, and go the fuck home.  And once you get there, get the rest of your shit, and get the hell out of my house.”

 

            Angelique looked positively dumbstruck.  “Bret, darling, think about what you’re saying.”

 

            “Okay.”  Bret paused.  “There.  I thought about it.  Now get the hell out of my life.”

 

            “Bret, surely you don’t presume to tell me that—“

 

            “I presume to tell you that this relationship, if you can even call it that, is over, Angelique.  In fact, I presume to tell you that any relationship we might have had is now over, and that if you ever so much as breathe in the direction of me or Julie ever again, I swear to fucking god, I’ll rip out your fucking implants and shove them down your throat.”

 

            Angelique looked embarrassed.  “How do you expect me to get home?”

 

            “Suck off a pilot.  I really don’t care how you get there.  I really don’t even care if you get there.” 

 

            “Bret, you’re just angry, you—“

 

            “No, Angelique, ‘just angry’ is when you come home too coked up to function.  ‘Just angry’ is when you’re out all night with no real explanation as to why.  ‘Just angry’ is what I was when you showed up here uninvited the first time.  This, on the other hand, is pure, unadulterated loathing and disgust.”

 

            “That means he doesn’t like you,” Julie offered.

 

            “I know what it means, you stupid—“

 

            “Whore.  I know,” Julie finished for her.

 

            Angelique took a step towards Julie, but Bret quickly blocked her.  “If you take one more step, I am going to drag you and your purse full of drugs to the goddamned police station by your fucking hair.”

 

            Angelique frowned.  “Bret, you’re being rash,” she said uncertainly.  “I’ll go back to the hotel and call you later, and—“

 

            “If you call this apartment, I will have you picked up for harassment,” Julie put in.

 

            “And I will have you picked up by your hair,” Bret reminded her.  “There’s nothing else to say, Angelique.  Leave before you really embarrass yourself.”

 

            “Bret, you cannot just fucking leave me like this.”

 

            “Oh, but I can,” Bret countered.  “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go put my daughter to bed.  Goodbye, Angelique.”  Thus saying, he slammed the door and latched it.

 

            “That was… I’m not sure what to say about that,” Julie said.

 

            “What that was, is something a long time coming,” Bret replied.  “When she hit you, I realized just how much I can’t stand that woman.”  He paused.  “Are you okay?”

 

            “I’m fine.  She hits like a girl.”

 

            Bret chuckled.  “I’d say she is a girl, but I believe we’ve talked about how much of her body is actual flesh and blood.”

 

            “Are you okay?  I mean…”

 

            “Why wouldn’t I be okay?”

 

            “I don’t know.  I mean, I know she’s not exactly Miss America, but you’ve been with her for a long time.”

 

            “Yes, Julie.  Me and her habit and the men whose laps she dances on have been together for quite some time.”  He paused.  “The only thing not okay right now is that I stayed with her long enough for her to insult and hit someone that I genuinely do give a shit about.”

 

            Julie felt herself blush slightly.  “You’re sure you okay?” she said.

 

            “Yeah.  I’m fine, Jules.  I think the only reason I stayed with her at all is because it was easier than the alternative.”

 

            Julie nodded.  “Do you… do you want to put Devon to bed?”

 

            “Sure,” Bret said.  “Jules, I’m really sorry about all of that.”

 

            “It’s okay.  I think you handled it pretty well, all things considered.”

 

            “I should have let you hit her back.”

 

            Julie laughed.  “I wouldn’t have.”

 

            “God,” Bret said.  “That’s exactly why I love you so fucking much.”  Thus saying, he went to put Devon to bed, leaving Julie to stand in the living room and contemplate what he’d just said.

 

§

 

            Julie finished putting Devon’s breakfast dishes away and sat down at the table, enjoying the temporary peace and quiet.  Devon had left for school and Bret was still sleeping.  She lit one of Bret’s cigarettes and closed her eyes, trying to collect her thoughts and figure out exactly what to think of the events of the past week and a half.  She knew, although she didn’t want to admit, that things had been out of hand since before they’d even started, and that feelings were coming back where they shouldn’t be.  Part of her wished that she’d never even called Bret in the first place, but she couldn’t deny that he was absolutely wonderful with Devon and that the little girl loved him, and more than that, she deserved to meet her father.  And what of Sebastian?  It was obvious he’d developed quite an affinity for the little girl as well. 

 

            Julie opened her eyes and sighed.  Although her concerns for her daughter were very real, she couldn’t deny that she needed to take her own feelings into account as well.  The problem was that she wasn’t really sure what her feelings were, other than the fact that she knew she was becoming hopelessly attached to both Bret and Sebastian, and that she had to be careful or the attachment was destined to become dependency.  Of course, when it came to Bret and Sebastian, there was no such thing as being careful.

 

            Bret shuffled into the kitchen in nothing but a pair of boxers.  He rubbed at his eyes, sat down across from Julie, and lit a cigarette of his own.  “Good morning.”

 

            “Morning.”

 

            “I’m sorry I slept so late.  I meant to help you get Devon off to school, but I guess those painkillers really kicked my ass.”

 

            “Don’t worry about it,” Julie said.  She paused.  “Bret?”

 

            “Yeah?”

 

            “How long are you going to be here?”

 

            “Why?  You getting tired of me already?”  He chuckled.

 

            “No, of course not.  It’s not that.  I just… well, I mean, Devon’s so attached to you, and I just…”

 

            “Don’t know what’s going to happen when it does come time for me to leave?”

 

            “Yeah,” Julie replied softly.

 

            Bret sighed and ran a hand through his hair.  “I was wondering when you were going to get around to bringing that up.”

 

            “Does that mean you’ve thought about it already?”

 

            “Sure I have.  I think about it all the time.” 

 

            “And?”

 

            Something flashed across Bret’s face and disappeared as quickly as it had come.  “I don’t know.”

 

            It was Julie’s turn to sigh.  “Don’t take this the wrong way, Bret, but I really should have thought this through before I called you.  I’m thrilled that you’re here.  Devon’s sun rises and sets on you, and I’m so glad to have you around, but I’m so afraid this is going to end badly.  Devon can’t take that at her age, and to be honest, I’m not sure if I can.”

 

            Bret reached across the table and covered Julie’s hand with his own.  “Look,” he said, “I’m as lost as you are in all of this, but I promise you, we will think of something.  I know that’s not much, but it’s the best I can do right now.  Okay?”

 

            Julie looked into Bret’s deep blue eyes and saw nothing but sincerity.  “Okay,” she said after a moment.  She trusted him completely, just as she always had, but she wondered just what on earth could possibly fix a situation as broken as this one.  Then, taking a breath, she pulled away from Bret and stubbed out her cigarette.  “We should probably go pick Sebastian up from the hospital.”

 

            “Shit.  I almost forgot about that.  Let me just take a quick shower and we’ll go.”

 

§

 

            “Finally,” Bret said.

 

            Julie looked up from the magazine she was reading to see Sebastian walking into the waiting room, and had to suppress a laugh at the fact that even through a few cracked ribs, he was still trying to move like a cat.  She put the magazine down and stood as Sebastian neared them.  “How are you feeling?”

 

            Sebastian shrugged.  “I’m okay.  Don’t remember much.”

 

            “I’m not terribly surprised.  You scared the crap out of me, fuck-o.”

 

            “Sorry about that.”

 

            “This is the second time we’ve had to pick you up from the hospital in three days,” Bret said.  “Are you sure you don’t just want to stay?”

 

            Sebastian snorted. “It’s no Ritz Carlton,” he replied.  “They wouldn’t even serve me a screwdriver with breakfast.”

 

            “The bastards,” Bret replied sarcastically.

 

            “Hey, come on, I’m the fucking youth gone wild!”

 

            Bret laughed.  “You’re rapidly heading towards the middle-aged gone retarded, Baz, and I’m already there.  You ready to go home?”  Without waiting for a response, he began to walk towards the exit, Julie and Sebastian close behind him.

 

            Sebastian turned to Julie.  “You gonna let him talk to me like that?”

 

            “Hey, I practically carried your drunk, bloody ass to the hospital,” Julie replied.  “I’m the last person you should be asking for favors.”  She grinned.

 

            “I see how it is.” 

 

            They reached the car and climbed in, Bret driving and Julie in the backseat.  They drove in silence for a while before Julie spoke.  “Seriously, Sebastian, you need to be more careful.”

 

            “Same old Jule,” Sebastian said, chuckling.

 

            “She’s right,” Bret cut in.  “God knows what would have happened if she hadn’t been there with you.”

 

            “The same thing that happens every other time I get too wasted,” Sebastian replied.  “Absolutely nothing.”

 

            “I thought you said you didn’t party anymore,” Julie said.

 

            “Not like I used to.”

           

            “That was pretty reminiscent of the old Baz,” Bret said.

 

            “Yeah, only without the coke and the dope and any of four billion other factors,” Sebastian said, an edge to his voice.

 

            “Sebastian, you could have bled to death yesterday.”

 

            “Jule, come on, don’t get hysterical on me.  I wouldn’t have bled to death.” 

 

By this time, they had reached the apartment building, and they all climbed out of the car.  “I’m not being hysterical, Sebastian.  You haven’t seen the upholstery on your rental car yet.”

 

They took the elevator upstairs. “Jule, I’m fine.  Calm down.  You’re making this bigger than it is.”

 

            “No, Baz, she’s not.  If nothing else, you should at least have the decency to not get dangerously fucked up when Julie is the only one around to do anything about it.  Maybe I would have left you in a pool of blood on the kitchen floor, but you know she couldn’t do that.”

 

            “Jesus Christ, Michaels, I’m 27 years old.  Aren’t you ready to give up this whole surrogate father bullshit?”

 

            They reached Julie’s apartment and went inside, and once the door shut, the argument quickly resumed.  “Surrogate father bullshit, my ass,” Bret said.  “I haven’t even seen you in a year, Baz, I’m merely saying that perhaps it’s not the best social etiquette to pull a stunt like this one two days after the three of us are reunited for the first time in half a decade.”

 

            “And nearly killing us by smashing into a cement tree planter because you were all pissed off that you weren’t the only one who got to fuck Julie was good social etiquette?” Sebastian fired back.

 

            Julie sat down at the table and sighed, lighting a cigarette.  “Guys,” she put in out of habit, but she knew that once they got started, it was virtually impossible to get them to stop.

 

            “Oh, for Christ’s sake, that was an accident.”

 

            “Yes, Bret, and I intentionally smashed my head into the kitchen table.”

 

            “No, but you intentionally drank yourself into a coma and took a dozen Percodan.”  Bret’s voice was thick with anger.

 

            “I’m a fucking adult, Michaels!  If I want to do that, I can.”

           

            “Don’t you get it, asshole?  I don’t care if you fucking mainline vodka, you just don’t do it when you’re on someone else’s time.”

 

            Julie sighed and put out her cigarette, then climbed to her feet.  “Guys.”

           

            They ignored her.  “Fuck off, Bret,” Sebastian said.  “For years you’ve been pissed off that you’re too old to party with the younger crowd.  Get over it.”

 

            “Guys,” Julie said, more loudly.  “I’m going next door to talk to Sarah.”  They still paid no attention to her, and she idly wondered if it would come to blows.  Deciding she didn’t really care, she let herself out of the apartment and knocked on Sarah’s door.

 

            Sarah looked a little uncertain when she saw Julie.  “Hi,” she said tentatively.  “Come on in.”

 

            The two women sat at Sarah’s kitchen table.  “I had to get away from the boys for a little,” Julie explained.  “They’re screaming at each other.”

 

            Sarah nodded.  “I don’t blame you.”  She paused.  “Hey, listen, Julie, if I did something I shouldn’t have yesterday…”

 

            Julie shook her head.  “No, you didn’t.  Hell, I would have done the same thing.”  She paused.  “Hell, I have done the same thing.”

 

            “I didn’t know there was something going on with you two.”

 

            “There’s not.  Not anymore.”  Julie sighed.  “We used to date, years ago.”

 

            “Ah.  I thought he was just a friend.”

 

            “Well, he is,” Julie said, although really, Bret couldn’t be categorized as anything in particular.  She paused.  “But he’s also Devon’s father.”

 

            Sarah exhaled.  “Wow.  I had no idea.  Now that you mention it, she does look a lot like him, doesn’t she?”

 

            “That she does,” Julie agreed. 

 

            “So… forgive me if I’m prying, but I was under the impression that Devon’s father was pretty much out of the picture for good.”

 

            “So was I, but last week she came home from school wondering why she didn’t have a daddy, so I called him.  I probably shouldn’t have.  We hadn’t spoken in five years.”

 

            “Ouch.  Sounds complicated.”

 

            “You have no idea.”

 

            “Who’s the other guy?” Sarah asked.

 

            “That’s where the story gets even more mindbending,” Julie replied.  “Let’s just say they’re best friends, they’re both in the music business, and the phrase ‘love triangle’ springs readily to mind.  Sebastian showed up completely unexpectedly.”

 

            “I’m not sure I even want details,” Sarah said, chuckling.

 

            “You don’t.  Believe me, we’d be here until Christmas.”

 

            “Fair enough.  So… you’re not mad at me?”

 

            Julie smiled.  “Of course not.  I’m not even mad at him, really.  Me being angry would make an already ridiculously complicated situation positively unbearable.  I just thought that in light of everything that’s happening, I should probably let you in on the situation… whatever it might be.”

 

            “Well, don’t worry.  I’ll stay in my own apartment.”

 

            Julie laughed.  “You don’t have to be a stranger.”  She stood up.  “I should probably get back over there and make sure those two haven’t ripped each other to shreds.”

 

            “Good call,” Sarah said, also rising.  “Need me to pick up Devon today?”

 

            Julie glanced at the clock.  11:15.  “Yeah, I’d say so, just to be on the safe side.”

 

            “All right, no problem,” Sarah said, walking Julie to the door.  “If things get too out of hand, just call me.”

 

            “I just might.  Thanks, Sarah,” Julie said, and walked back to her own apartment, taking a breath before opening the door.

 

            Bret and Sebastian were standing in the living room, looking no happier than they had when Julie had left.  Neither of them seemed to notice her entrance, if they’d ever even noticed she’d left.  

 

            “I thought you said you cut this partying bullshit out, anyway, Baz,” Bret was saying, his voice loud and angry.

 

            “No, Michaels, if you’d unclog your goddamned holier-than-thou ears, you would have heard me.  I said I don’t party like I used to, and I fucking don’t,” Sebastian replied.

 

            “How the fuck is what happened here yesterday not partying like you used to?”

 

            “I didn’t say I didn’t party, I said I didn’t party the same way.  I still party just as fucking hard.”

 

            “So I can see.  When the fuck are you going to grow up?”

 

            “Guys, these walls are pretty thin,” Julie said, collapsing onto the couch.  She knew damn well they weren’t listening to her.

 

            “If you say the words ‘grow up’ one more fucking time, I swear to god I’ll break your fucking jaw, Michaels.  Maybe you’re over the hill, but some of us aren’t ready for fucking retirement yet.”

 

            “Ironic, coming from the one of us who got kicked out of his band,” Bret fired back.

 

            “Don’t even fucking go there, asshole,” Sebastian seethed.  “I left that fucking band because they were too much like you.”

 

            “What, you mean they didn’t like you showing up to gigs half-dead on smack?”

 

            “They didn’t like the fact that I don’t appreciate having a bunch of aging rockstars pretending to be my goddamned father, is what they didn’t like,” Sebastian said.

 

            “I’m sure that’s it, Baz,” Bret replied sarcastically.

 

            “Jesus Christ, I just can’t get a fucking break.  I didn’t stop partying, I stopped partying with fucking people, people like you.”

 

            “Maybe that’s because we all stopped when we were in our early twenties, fuckhead.  Maybe it’s because we all grew the hell up.”

 

            Julie bit her lip, knowing what was coming.  Sure enough, Sebastian quickly closed the gap between himself and Bret, curling his right hand into a fist.  He pulled back and swung hard, his fist connecting squarely with Bret’s jaw.  Julie opened her mouth and closed it again.

 

            Bret staggered back a step, his hand reaching up to rub his jaw.  For a minute, he just looked at Sebastian like he was some kind of space alien, then he spoke.  “Is that really the best you can do, you pathetic little snot?”  Thus saying, he pulled back and hit Sebastian in the stomach as hard as he could.

 

            Julie shot off of the couch.  “Bret!  His fucking ribs are broken!”  She raced towards Sebastian.

 

            Sebastian stumbled a few feet backwards, doubled over, but by the time Julie reached him, he pulled himself back upright.  He held out a hand to stop her from coming closer.  “Don’t,” he said, his voice thick with pain.

 

            The next moment dragged on in almost unbearable silence.  Julie looked at Sebastian and followed his steely gaze to Bret, whose stare was just as icy. 

 

            “Fuck this,” Sebastian said, and Julie thought he sounded almost like he was about to cry.  “I’m getting the fuck out of here.  I’m going back home where I can do what I please without you fucking people trying to tell me how to live my life.”  He headed towards the kitchen.

 

            Julie looked at Bret, who stayed where he was, staring at the empty air where Sebastian had been standing.  “Sebastian…” she said feebly.

 

            Sebastian came back out with the keys to his rental car. “I’m sorry, sugar,” he said to Julie. “You can’t patch these wounds with words.”  Thus saying, he opened the door and left.  The slam pounded in Julie’s ears.

 

§

 

            Julie sat on her bed staring blankly at the muted television.  The icy silence hadn’t been broken in over an hour, other than Julie’s phone call to Sarah asking if she’d keep Devon for a few hours after school.  She half-expected that Sebastian would come back, but as the time dragged on, she became certain that wasn’t going to happen.  For the last hour, she’d sat on her bed in the same position, wondering what was going to happen and what Bret was doing.  If it weren’t for the fact that she hadn’t heard the front door shut, she’d have thought he’d left.

 

            A moment later, Julie heard a timid-sounding knock on her bedroom door.  She sighed.  “Come in.”

 

            Bret came in and sat down on the bed next to her, their backs resting on the headboard. “I’m not sure what to say,” he said quietly.

 

            “Neither am I.”

 

            “Are you mad at me?”

 

            Julie’s breath almost caught.  She wanted to be mad at him, she was sure of that much, but she wasn’t really sure if she should be, and the childlike way he’d posed the question was endearing.  “No,” she sighed after a moment.

 

            “You probably should be.  I shouldn’t have hit him… he just makes me so fucking angry sometimes.”

 

            “I know,” Julie replied.  “You both have a bit of an anger management problem, if you don’t mind me saying so.”

 

            Bret chuckled mirthlessly.  “You’re right, we do.  You’d think by now we’d have grown out of that.”  He sighed.  “And all this time I’m telling him to grow up.”

 

            “Well… you’re not exactly wrong.  A bit hypocritical in some ways, maybe.”

 

            “I really didn’t want to make him leave.”

 

            “Bret, he always leaves.”

 

            Bret sighed.  “I know.  I just…” He ran a hand through his hair.  “Christ, I don’t even know.”

 

            “I’m worried about him, Bret.  He doesn’t seem any less self-destructive than before.”

 

            “You’re right.  He doesn’t.”

 

            “I don’t like thinking about what he might do when he gets back to California.”  Julie sighed.  “This isn’t like before, when we could just run after him when he got out of control.”

           

            Bret was quiet for a long moment before speaking.  “Well, maybe we can.”

 

            Julie turned her body so she was facing him.  “What are you talking about?”

 

            “I’m not sure,” Bret admitted.  “I just know that I’m feeling pretty guilty right now.” 

 

            “Are you thinking of going back to California?” 

 

            “Well, if I’m planning on staying with you guys for any length of time, there are some loose ends I should really tie up back there,” Bret replied.  “You know, with the guys.  And I should probably make sure that Angelique hasn’t burned my place to the ground.”

 

            “Yeah…” Julie said hesitantly.  She knew that he had a point, but the idea of having to explain to Devon what was going on seemed a daunting task at best. 

 

            “Wouldn’t you feel better if we knew he was okay, Jules?”

           

            Julie sighed.  “Yes, of course I would.  I just… I don’t know.  What are we going to tell Devon?”

 

            “I don’t know.  How about we tell her that she’s going to get to ride on airplane for the first time since she was a baby?”

 

            Julie furrowed her eyebrows.  “Bret, what are you talking about?”

 

            “We’ll all go back to San Francisco,” he replied. 

 

            Julie wasn’t at all prepared for what Bret had just said to her.  The idea seemed impossibly crazy.  “Bret, I don’t know…”

 

            “Come on, it’ll be fun.”

 

            “Flying 3000 miles with a five-year-old to do an intervention on a stubborn, drunk rockstar will be fun?”

 

            “Okay, so it won’t be all fun.  But some of it will be.  The guys will be thrilled to see you again, and how long has it been since you’ve seen your dad?”

 

            Julie bit her lip.  Bret definitely had a point.  She hadn’t seen her father since he’d flown out for a weekend nearly a year before, and seeing the band, especially Rikki, would be nice.  Much more importantly, she didn’t want to see Sebastian hurt himself.  “I don’t know,” she said again, but she felt her resolve slipping.  “What about Devon’s school?”

 

            “Jules, she’s in kindergarten.  How much is she going to miss?”

 

            Julie sighed.  “All right, fine,” she said after a minute.  “But I’m really only doing this because I’m worried about Sebastian.”  She paused.  “And when he starts breaking furniture because we followed him to California, you are taking full responsibility for this idea.” 

 

            “I can handle that.  It’s me he’s going to hate for it, anyway.  Hell, he already hates me.”

           

            “He doesn’t hate you, Bret.  You know that.”

           

            Bret sighed.  “Yeah, I know, but he puts on a good act sometimes.”

 

            “The man is a walking defense mechanism,” Julie agreed.  “I can’t really say I blame him, when we’re all around each other.”  She paused.  “So, when are we going to do this?”

 

            “I don’t think we should waste much time,” Bret replied.  “I think we should leave tomorrow.”

 

            Julie exhaled.  “Bret, I don’t know.  That’s awfully soon.”

 

            “Do you have some great important business that I don’t know about?”

 

            She smiled a little. “Well, no,” she admitted, “but I do have appointments to cancel, I’ll have to get Sarah to get my mail, and—“

 

            “None of this stuff will take longer than a day to sort out,” Bret interrupted.  “Baz is going to get off his plane in California still angry, and go on a bender that will span days, weeks if he can pull it off.  I don’t think we should waste any time.”

           

            “I guess you’re right.”  Julie climbed off of the bed, and Bret followed.  “Go next door and get Devon.  I’ll make some phone calls.”

 

§

 

            Julie opened her eyes and stretched in the morning sunlight, momentarily confused before realizing she was in her old bedroom at her father’s house.  The clock next to the bed said that it was nearly 8:30.  She yawned and climbed out of bed, rubbing her bare feet over the thick carpeting.  It had been a long flight, and they’d gotten to her father’s house at nearly 9:00 the previous night. 

 

            Devon had been thrilled to see her grandfather, and the pair delighted in each other for an hour before Julie finally had to intervene and put her daughter to bed.  After that, the three adults sat at the kitchen table with a bottle of wine that Julie’s father had insisted on opening, while Bret and Julie did their best to explain some of the events of the previous two weeks.  Julie’s father had taken it all in stride, as he usually did, and Bret and Julie had retired to separate bedrooms by midnight.  They had considered going out immediately to hunt down Sebastian, but mutually decided that it had been a long trip and their exhaustion would only serve to complicate an already messy situation.

 

            Julie made her way quietly downstairs, not sure if anyone was awake yet.  She found her father sitting at the kitchen table with a newspaper and a cup of coffee.  “Morning, princess,” he greeted her.

 

            “Morning, Daddy,” she said, kissing him on the cheek.  “Bret and Devon still sleeping?”

 

            “As far as I know,” he said.  “Devon woke up in the middle of the night crying.  I guess she forgot she wasn’t at home.”

 

            “Oh, Dad, you should have woken me up.”

 

            Her father waved the idea off.  “Don’t be silly,” he said.  “I might be rusty, but I do know how to soothe a crying kid.”  He smiled.  “Besides, you and Bret looked like you could use the sleep.”

 

            “I’ll have to give you that much,” Julie agreed, pouring herself a cup of coffee and sitting across the table from him.  “Devon wasn’t exactly an angel on the plane.”

 

            “Five-year-olds are not the best thing to pack on a cross-country trip,” her father said sagely.

 

            They sat in silence a few moments before Julie spoke.  “It’s nice to be home.”

 

            “And it’s just as nice to have you home,” her father agreed.  “I hope you’ll be sticking around a while.”

 

            Julie shrugged.  “A little while, at least.  I have no idea what’s going to happen with this whole Sebastian thing, and anyway, I want you and Devon to spend some time together.”

 

            “Yes, Julianna, I’ll babysit whenever you need me to.”

 

            Julie laughed.  “Of course you will.”

 

            Her father sipped his coffee. “So, what’s the deal with you two, anyway?”

 

            “What do you mean?”

 

            “You know darned well what I mean  You and Bret.”

 

            Julie sighed.  “Daddy, when I figure that out, you’ll be the first to know.”  She paused.  “Well, maybe second or third.”

 

            “Well, just let me know if I should be expecting another grandkid any time soon.”  He winked.

 

            “Dad, you’re horrible.”

 

            “No, I’ve just worked with rockstars for a long time.”

 

            “Fair enough.  But really, Dad, that’s the last thing anyone’s thinking about, believe me.”

 

            “And I’m sure it was the last thing anyone was thinking of when Devon was conceived.”

 

            Julie had to laugh.  “I can’t keep up with you sometimes.”

 

            “What’s so funny?”

 

            Julie turned to see Bret walking into the kitchen.  “Nothing,” she said quickly.

 

            “Just silly father-daughter trivialities,” her father agreed, smiling.

 

            “I know you better than that, Ted,” Bret said, laughing.

 

            “Sorry, Bret.  What’s between my daughter and I stays between my daughter and I.”

 

            Bret grinned.  “And what’s between your daughter and I—“

 

            “Bret,” Julie chided lightly.

 

            “Watch it there, skippy,” Ted added.

 

            Bret poured himself a cup of coffee and joined them at the table.  “So, what’s the game plan for today?”

 

            “I was hoping you’d be able to answer that.”

 

            “Well,” Bret said, sipping his coffee, “there’s no way Sebastian’s going to be found in broad daylight.  I’d say our best bet is hitting Ataxia tonight.”

 

            Ted groaned.  “God, I wish that place would just burn to the ground.  You be careful taking my daughter in there.”

 

            “I will,” Bret promised.  He turned back to Julie.  “So, I guess that means we have an entire day to play with.  What do you want to do?”

 

            “Honestly, given the chance, I’d like to stay in my pyjamas all day.”

 

            Bret smiled. “Well, I don’t have pyjamas, but taking a day to do absolutely nothing doesn’t sound like a bad idea to me.”

 

            “You two could use the relaxation,” Ted agreed.  “Why don’t I take Devon out for the day?”

 

            “Oh, Dad, you don’t have to do that.”

 

            “Nonsense, I want to.  Don’t even try to tell me I can’t spoil my granddaughter.”

 

            “You heard the man,” Bret said, grinning over his coffee.

 

            Julie smiled.  “I’m sure she won’t be turned off by the idea.  Just don’t let her eat junk all day.”

 

            “Fine, fine,” Ted replied.  “Try not to break any coffee tables while we’re out.”

 

            “Hey, man, I wasn’t the one who took a swan dive through the table.”

 

            “I know, but you were the one in charge of the guy who did.”

 

            “Fair enough.  I don’t think you have anything to worry about.”

           

            Julie finished her cup of coffee, and rose to put it in the sink.  “I’m going to go take a shower.  Do you think you two can behave yourselves?”

 

            “We’ll try,” Bret promised.

 

§

 

            “You awake, sweetheart?”

 

            Julie nestled closer to Bret on the couch.  “Something like that,” she replied, opening her eyes.  “Did I miss the movie?”

 

            “Most of it, but trust me.  You didn’t miss much.”  He flipped the TV off.

 

            “You should have woken me up.”

 

            “For what?  The movie sucked.”  He paused.  “Besides, why would I interrupt an activity that involves your gorgeous self pressed up against me?”

 

            Julie had to smile.  “You’re terrible.”

 

            Just then, the front door swung open and Devon came bounding in.  “Mommy!  Daddy!  Look what Grampa bought me!”  She rushed up to them, holding a stuffed unicorn that looked too big for her to be carrying.

 

            Julie glanced at Bret.  “That man spoils her rotten,” she said.  Then, to Devon, “Wow!  He’s huge!”

 

            “Uh-huh!  We went to the toy store and I had ice cream and I rode on a merry-go-round!”

 

            “Sounds like a pretty good day,” Bret said.

 

            “Where’s Grampa?” Julie asked.

 

            “I’m right here,” Ted said, coming in.  He had a stuffed lion in his hand that rivaled the size of the unicorn.

 

            “Dad, we live in an apartment.  I sincerely hope you didn’t buy her an entire menagerie.”

 

            Ted smiled.  “Every animal that was on the ark.”  Seeing Julie’s expression, he laughed. “Relax. I’m kidding.”

 

            Bret glanced at the clock on the VCR.  “It’s 10:00,” he noted.

 

            “Jesus,” Julie said.  “I had no idea it was that late.  Devon, it’s past your bedtime.”

 

            “Awww, Mommy, I’m not sleepy!”

 

            “No doubt from all the ice cream,” Julie said in her father’s direction, but with a smile.  “Sorry, puss, I know you had an exciting day, but it’s late.”

 

            “Can I sleep with my unicorn?”

 

            Bret grinned.  “You can try,” he said.  “Go upstairs and put your pj’s on, and I’ll come tuck you in.”

 

            “Yay!”

 

            “Night, sweetie,” Ted said, giving the little girl a hug before she ran upstairs.  He turned to Bret and Julie.  “I take it you two are heading over to that awful club tonight?”

 

            Bret nodded.  “I’m afraid we have to.”

 

            “Well, I mean what I said earlier.  I loathe that place, so you’d better keep a close eye on my daughter.”

 

            “I promise I won’t let her have too much ice cream,” Bret said.

 

            Ted smiled a little.  “Just know that if anything happens, I will have you strung up by your balls.”

 

            “Fair enough.”  Bret turned to Julie.  “I’ll go put Devon to bed, if you want to go get ready,” he offered.

 

            “Sounds good,” Julie agreed. 

 

§

 

            An hour later found Bret and Julie standing before the entrance to Ataxia.  “Jesus,” she said.  “This place doesn’t look much different.”

 

            “A lot of new faces, but all of the same bullshit,” Bret agreed.  “You ready to do this?”

 

            “As I’ll ever be.”

 

            They made their way inside without a problem.  The club was filled with people, smoke, and horrible music, and Julie was sure she didn’t miss this place at all. 

 

            “You want a drink?” Bret offered.

 

            Julie glanced in the direction of the bar.  “Not particularly.”

 

            Bret nodded.  “Perhaps it’s best if we didn’t.”

 

            Julie looked around.  “Where the hell do we even start?”

 

            “Well, he doesn’t dance,” Bret said, “so that eliminates a large chunk of this place.  Why don’t you take a seat at the bar for a minute, and I’ll check in the back?”

 

            “Why don’t I just go with you?”

 

            “Julie, the back of this place is not pretty,” Bret replied.  “It’s a shooting gallery for rockstars and wannabes, and that’s the nicer end of the spectrum of what goes on back there.  I’d really rather if you just waited out here.  I won’t be gone long.”

 

            Julie sighed.  “Okay, fine.  Just don’t leave me there too long.”  She walked away from Bret and took a seat near the end of the bar, doing her best to go unnoticed.  Luckily, it worked, and within five minutes, Bret was back by her side.

 

            “He’s not back there,” he informed Julie.  “That may mean we haven’t found him, but to be honest, I think I’m relieved.”

 

            Julie nodded.  “Now what?”

 

            Bret glanced behind the bar.  “I know the bartender,” he said.  “Let’s see if he knows anything.”  He signaled to the man behind the bar, who came over to them.

 

            “Bret,” the bartender greeted him, nodding slightly.  “What can I do you for?”

 

            “Actually, I was wondering if Baz had been in here lately.”

 

            The bartender nodded.  “Sure,” he said. “Just left about an hour ago.  He was heading over to Roscoe’s place.”  He said the drug dealer’s name as though he’d just tasted something unpleasant.

 

            “Roscoe?  God, I was hoping he’d have died by now,” Julie said.

 

            The bartender smiled. “We all wouldn’t mind.”

 

            Bret frowned. “What the hell is he doing going over there?  Roscoe only deals with the hard shit.”

 

            The bartender smiled a bit sadly.  “That he does,” he agreed.

 

            “Baz quit all of that shit years ago, though,” Bret continued.

 

            The bartender raised an eyebrow.  “I hate to be the one to have to inform you that you’re wrong about that,” he said.  “Listen, do you guys want to order anything?  Because I’ve got to get back to work.”

 

            “No, thanks,” Bret said.  “Thanks for your help.”

 

            “Any time, man,” the bartender said and walked away.

 

            “Bret, this is not good,” Julie said.

 

            “Tell me about it.  I can’t believe he lied to me.”

 

            “Oh, come on, Bret.  Wouldn’t you have lied?  What was he supposed to do, show up in New York bragging about his dope habit?”

 

            Bret sighed.  “Yeah.  I know.  I just really thought he’d changed.”

 

            “I know.  So did I.”  She paused.  “What are we going to do now?”

 

            “Well, I’m going to go to that shithead Roscoe’s house and get Baz out of there,” Bret replied.  “I can take you home first if you don’t want to come with me.”

 

            “Of course I want to go with you.  Just try not to punch me in the face this time.”

 

§

 

            “Here goes nothing,” Bret said as he knocked on the door to Roscoe’s apartment.

 

            “God, just being here makes me kind of sick,” Julie said.

 

            “I second that.”

 

            The door to the apartment swung open and Bret and Julie were greeted by a boy who looked as though he couldn’t be more than eighteen years old.  He had shoulder-length, almost black hair that hung to his shoulders, and wide dark eyes.  Julie’s immediate thought was that this boy was far too young and far too clean to be in such a place.  “Hi,” the boy said tentatively.

 

            “Hi,” Bret said, seeming as awestruck by this development as Julie.

 

            “Roscoe is in the back right now,” the boy offered politely.  “But you can come in and wait for him, if you’d like.”  He paused.  “Forgive my rudeness.  I’m Hayden.”  He extended a hand, which Bret and Julie shook mutely.

           

            Julie came to her senses and cleared her throat.  “I’m Julie,” she said quietly, “and this is Bret.”

 

            “Hello, Julie,” Hayden replied, smiling a little.  “And Mr. Michaels, it’s an honor to meet you.”

 

            “Hardly,” Bret said.  “Actually, we’re looking for Baz, if he’s around.”

 

            “Oh, sure,” Hayden said, stepping aside.  “He’s right here.”

 

            Bret and Julie followed Hayden into the apartment, where Sebastian was sitting on the couch with his eyes closed.  Bret wasted no time kicking him in the shin.  “Wake up,” he commanded.

 

            Sebastian sleepily opened his eyes, confused.  It only took a minute for him to realize what was going on, and he leapt to his feet.  “What the fuck are you two doing here?” he demanded.

 

            “We’re the goddamned cavalry,” Bret replied sarcastically.

 

            “I don’t see anyone here who needs rescuing,” Sebastian replied icily.

 

            “Don’t start with me, Baz,” Bret said evenly.  “You’re doped out of your head.”

 

            “Yeah?  What’s your point?”

 

            “My point, Sebastian, is that you’re not a child anymore, and I’m not going to let you waste away into a worthless junkie who—“

 

            “Hey, hey,” Sebastian interrupted.  “Not in front of present company, if you don’t mind.”

 

            Bret snorted.  “Actually, I do mind.  You can either come with us back to Julie’s dad’s house, or we can continue here.  Your call.”

 

            “I don’t have to answer to you.”

 

            “No, you don’t, but I don’t have to respect your wishes for this not to continue in front of your friend here.”

 

            Sebastian sighed.  “Hayden, I’ll be back, okay?”

 

            Hayden nodded.  “Sure.  Or I could just leave…”

 

            “You don’t have to do that on our account,” Bret said to him.  “We’ll just take him with us.”  He paused.  “And if I were you, I’d be a little more careful about who you’re spending your weekends with.”

 

            “Can it, Michaels,” Sebastian said, but he was already making his way to the door. 

 

§

 

            Sebastian sat at the kitchen table.  “Okay, assholes,” he said, his voice sounding thick and groggy.  “What the hell is going on?”

 

            Julie lit a cigarette.  “We were worried about you, Sebastian,” she said honestly.

 

            Sebastian looked at her for a minute.  “You don’t have to worry about me,” he said quietly.

 

            “Of course we do,” Bret cut in.  “You just took off like a bat out of hell, and we come back here only to find out you’re still shooting up?  That sounds like something to worry about to me.”

 

            “No one asked you to follow me three thousand miles across the country.”

 

            “You’re right, Sebastian.  We should have just let our best friend fly home to kill himself.”

 

            “Hey, look at me.  Guess what?  I’m not dead!”

 

            “Not yet,” Bret agreed, “but if you keep this bullshit up, it’s not going to be long before you are.  You’re not so young anymore.”

 

            “You’re only as old as you feel.”

 

            “And I’m sure shooting up dope is a veritable fountain of youth.”

 

            “It’s better than acting like you’re fifty.”

 

            “Guys,” Julie broke in, “let’s not let this get out of hand, okay?  People are sleeping, most importantly a five-year-old girl who I do not need asking me what ‘shooting up dope’ means.”

 

             “She’s right,” Bret agreed.  “We’re not going to get anywhere by screaming at each other.”

 

            “Then don’t piss me off any more than you already have,” Sebastian advised.  “Anyway, you two should be glad I’m high right now, or Bret, I would have killed you the minute you got to the apartment.”

 

            Bret chose to ignore the comment.  “You know, while we’re on the topic of you being high, who was the kid?  He couldn’t have been more than eighteen years old.”

 

            “Nineteen,” Sebastian corrected.  “His name is Hayden.”

 

            “And?”

 

            “And what?  I met him a couple of months ago at Ataxia.”

 

            “Since when do you run with the under-21 crowd?”

 

            “Since he needed someone to watch out for him,” Sebastian replied.  “I introduced him to Roscoe, took him under my wing.”

 

            “Introducing a nineteen-year-old kid to heroin is considered watching out for him?” Julie asked incredulously.

 

            “He would have done it, anyway,” Sebastian said.  “He might as well have someone experienced around to make sure he’s okay.”

 

            “Sebastian, you cannot honestly tell me that you think this is acceptable behavior,” Bret said.

 

            “What’s not acceptable about it?  I’m like his big brother.”

 

            “His big dope-shooting evil brother, you mean.”

 

            “Hey, he doesn’t shoot.  And he won’t.”

 

            “I seem to recall a time when you carried that same philosophy,” Bret said.  “How do you know what that kid will do when you’re not looking?”

 

            “Because I just know, all right?  He looks up to me.  Besides, I told Roscoe not to sell him anything without me being there.  We have an understanding.”

 

            “Sebastian, the man is a drug dealer.  Are you sure he’ll be good to his word?”

 

            “Jules, the man is my friend, okay?  He won’t sell to him without my approval,” Sebastian replied.  “And Hayden wouldn’t even try it, anyway.”

 

            Julie sighed.  “He just seems like such a nice boy.”

 

            “He is a nice boy,” Sebastian agreed.  “Doing drugs doesn’t mean your nice boy status gets automatically revoked, you know.”

 

            “I know,” Julie said quietly, but she didn’t.

 

            “I would appreciate it if you’d get to the point of this little meeting,” Sebatian said.  “I’ve got to get back over there.”

 

            Bret and Julie exchanged a glance. “Why don’t you just stay here with us tonight?” she suggested.

 

            “If I wanted to be mother-henned, I would check myself into rehab.”

 

            “There’s nothing mother hen about it,” Julie insisted.  “We’d just like to have you.”

 

            Sebastian snorted.  “Yes, Jules, you and Bret and your kid climbed on a plane and flew three thousand miles because you wanted to have a sleepover party.”  He paused.  “Besides, do you really want me to leave Hayden over there by himself?”

 

            Julie sighed, defeated.  “I guess not.”

 

            “Are you planning to spend the night over there?” Bret asked.

 

            “Probably.”

 

            Bret sighed.  “All right.  We’ll take you back over there, but we’re picking you up in the morning.”

 

            “But Hayden—“

 

            “We’re picking you both up.”

 

            “Bret, why the fuck…” Sebastian met Julie’s imploring gaze and trailed off.  “All right. Fine.  Whatever.”

 

            “Jule, is that okay with you?”

 

            Julie sighed.  “I suppose it has to be.”

 

            “Then let’s go.”        

 

§

 

            Julie tiptoed down the hallway into the spare bedroom where Bret was staying.  The door to his room was open, but the lights were off.  “Bret?” she whispered.  “Are you asleep?”

 

            “Not yet,” he said.  “Come on in.”

 

            Julie entered the room and sat on the edge of the bed.  “I couldn’t sleep.”

 

            “What’s wrong?”

 

            “I don’t know.  I’m just worried about Sebastian,” she said.  “And jesus, Bret, that kid.”

 

            Bret sat up and put his arms around her.  “I know,” he said.  “I am, too.”

 

            “What are we going to do?  What if we can’t save him?”

 

            “Then we’ll die trying.”

 

            “More like they’ll die with us trying.”

 

            Bret sighed.  “Calm down, sweetheart.  I’m sure it won’t come to that.”

 

            “I know,” Julie said, allowing herself to relax in Bret’s comforting embrace.  “I guess I’m just not used to this life anymore.”

 

            Bret chuckled.  “None of us are, not even him,” he replied.  “Don’t worry, though, Jule.  Everything will be okay.”

 

            “I wish I believed that.”

 

            Bret tightened his hold on her.  “I feel as badly about all of this as you do,” he said.

 

            “I know.  I wish there was a way to make ourselves feel better.”

 

            They were silent for a moment before Bret spoke again.  “I’d feel better if I could kiss you right now,” he said quietly.

 

            Julie turned her head towards him, smiling.  “Bret, I—“

 

            He silenced her with a kiss.

 

§

 

            Even though she hadn’t gotten to bed until after 2am, Julie found herself awake at 9:30.  The house was eerily quiet as she made her way downstairs in a tanktop and pyjama pants.  “Dad?” she said into the empty house, but got no response. 

 

            She went into the kitchen and put a pot of coffee on before noticing the note on the kitchen table.  “’Julianna,’” she read to herself, “’I took Devon out for breakfast and to the park.  We’ll be back either right before or right after lunch.  Behave yourself.  Love, Dad’”.  Julie smiled.  “Behave myself, indeed.” 

 

            Suddenly, the doorbell rang, and Julie nearly jumped out of her skin.  “Who on earth…” she said to herself as she padded across the house.  She pulled the door open, and her jaw nearly dropped when she saw Rikki, CC, and Bobby standing on the doorstep. 

 

            “Julie?” Rikki said incredulously.

 

            “Rikki?”

 

            Rikki swept Julie into a tight hug.  “What are you doing home?”

 

            “Hey, give us our hugs before you answer him,” CC demanded.  Julie hugged CC and Bobby in turn, smiling in spite of the surprise.

 

            “Come on in,” she said, moving aside to let the rest of Bret’s band inside.  “I just put some coffee on.”

 

            The guys followed her into the kitchen and sat at the table.  Julie served them coffee and no one spoke until they were all seated with their respective drinks. 

 

            “Okay, now tell us what you’re doing back home,” Rikki insisted.

 

            “Well, I’d like to say that I just wanted to see my dad,” Julie replied, sighing.  “But the reality is that it’s a lot more dramatic than that.”

 

            “It usually is,” Bobby put in.

 

            “God, I don’t even know where to start.”

 

            “You could start with telling us where Bret is,” Rikki said.  “I thought he was in New York with you.”

 

            “He was,” Julie said.  “He’s upstairs sleeping.”

 

            “Well, okay, that clears that up,” CC said.  “Now you can move on to how you ended up on this side of the country.”

 

            Julie took a sip of her coffee.  “Okay, I’ll give you the short version.  A week after Bret got to New York, Sebastian showed up for a photo shoot.  I had no idea he was my appointment that day.  You can imagine how surprised we were.”

 

            “Baz has a knack for magically appearing,” Rikki agreed.

 

            “And disappearing,” Julie said.  “But anyway… jesus.  I just realized how much has actually happened in the last two weeks.”

 

            “We don’t have anywhere to be,” CC said, grinning.

 

            “Wait a second.  If you didn’t know we were here…” Julie trailed off.

 

            “We stopped by to see your dad, actually,” Rikki said.  “We pop in occasionally, make sure he’s not getting into any trouble.”  He smiled.

 

            Julie smiled back.  “How sweet of you.  He’s out with Devon for the morning.”

 

            Rikki’s smile widened.  “Your daughter’s here?”

 

            “Well, we didn’t leave her in New York.”

 

            “I suppose you’ve got a point.  Anyway, continue on with the story.”

 

            “Right.  Well, Sebastian showed up and of course this turned into some sitcom-like reunion, replete with liquor,” Julie said.  From there, she told the entire story, opting to leave out all of the twisted sexual details.  She wasn’t sure what she thought of everything that had happened, much less what she’d say to them about it.

 

            “Jesus,” Rikki breathed.  “I had no idea Sebastian was in such bad shape.”

 

            “I guess no one did,” Julie said.  “I mean, he wasn’t exactly forthcoming about the fact that he’s still getting high all the time.”

           

            “And it’s not so hard for a rockstar without a band to hide it,” CC put in.  “I would know.”

 

            “That poor kid,” Rikki said.  “What did you say his name was? Hayden?”

 

            Julie nodded.  “Yeah.  That whole scene has me terribly worried.”

 

            “So what’s the plan?” Bobby asked. 

 

            “Your guess is as good as mine,” Julie said.  “Whenever Bret wakes up, we’re supposed to go pick Sebastian up from his dealer’s house.”  She paused.  “God, this could be a made for TV movie.”

 

            “Give it a few years,” Rikki said.  He glanced at his watch.  “Shit, I didn’t realize it was this late.”

 

            “Late?  Isn’t this early for you guys?”

 

            “Unbearably so,” Bobby said.

 

            “Yeah, it is,” Rikki agreed, “but we’re going to Sacramento for the weekend.”

 

            “What’s in Sacramento?”

 

            CC grinned.  “Her name is Sheila, and she’s throwing a party.”

 

            “Do I even want to know?” Julie asked.

 

            Bobby looked up from his coffee.  “I cannot believe that even a plastic surgeon could create a pair of tits that size.  They defy gravity.”

 

            Julie smirked.  “Sounds like some things are still the same around here.”

 

            “Boobs are good.  More boobs equals more good,” CC said matter-of-factly.

 

            “I’ll keep that in mind.”  Julie paused.  “Do you want me to wake Bret before you guys leave?”

 

            Rikki rose to his feet, the guys following his lead.  “Nah,” he said.  “It sounds like he could use the sleep.  We’ll be back in town tomorrow or Monday, depending on the hangover quotient.  You guys can call me on my cell if anything important happens.”  He paused.  “Or if something unimportant happens.  Whichever.”

 

            Julie smiled.  “Thanks.”

 

            “How long are you going to be in town?” CC asked.

 

            “I have no idea,” Julie said.  “A couple of weeks, probably.”

 

            “Cool.  Just wanted to make sure we’d get to see you again.”

 

            “Of course you will.  You’ll get to meet Devon, too.”

 

            “We can’t wait,” Rikki said, and Bobby and CC nodded their agreement.

 

§

 

            At just past eleven, Julie made her way upstairs and into Bret’s room.  He was still asleep, lying on his back, his blond hair spilling over his face.  For a minute, Julie just watched him sleep, not wanting to interrupt him when he seemed so peaceful.  She couldn’t brush aside her concern for Sebastian and his young friend any longer, though. 

 

            Julie sat on the edge of the bed and put her hand on Bret’s chest.  “Bret,” she said softly, then again more loudly.

 

            Bret’s eyes fluttered and opened.  He smiled when he saw her.  “Morning,” he said.  “What time is it?”

 

            “A little after eleven.  I’m sorry to wake you, but…”

 

            “No, it’s okay,” Bret said, pulling himself into a sitting position.  “I meant to be up a couple of hours ago.  You should have woken me.”

 

            “You looked like you could use the sleep,” Julie replied.

 

            “I can’t argue with that.  Where is everyone?”

 

            “Dad took Devon out for the morning,” she answered.  “The guys stopped by.”

 

            “They did?  How did they even know we were here?”

 

            “They didn’t.  They were looking for my dad.”

 

            “Why didn’t they stick around?”

 

            “They’re going to Sacramento for the weekend.”

 

            “Sheila?”

 

            Julie nodded.  “She sounds interesting.  Anyway, I filled them in on what’s been going on.  Most of it, anyway.  Rikki said to call him if anything comes up.”  She paused.  “We should probably go get Sebastian.”

 

            “Shit,” Bret said, “I’d almost forgotten about that.  We’ll go right now.”

 

            “Do you want to eat breakfast first?  Take a shower?” Julie asked, standing up.

 

            Bret got out of bed.  “Nah.  I’m not hungry, and I don’t feel any real need to primp myself just to go to a drug dealer’s house.”

 

            “Good point.”

 

            They made their way to Ted’s extra car and halfway to Roscoe’s house before either of them spoke.  “I’ve got such a bad feeling,” Julie said.

 

            “What do you mean?”

 

            “I don’t know.  I just feel like something’s going to happen.”

 

            “Try not to worry so much,” Bret said.  “Nothing’s really changed around here.  We’re just not as used to it as we were a few years ago.”

 

            Julie sighed.  “You’re right,” she said.  “I guess I should have realized what kind of roller coaster ride I was in for when you two came back into my world.”

 

            “Well, I hope at least some of it’s been enjoyable.”

 

            Julie had to smile.  “Sure, in its own warped way.”

 

            Bret laughed.  “Well, at least I got you to smile.”

 

            “I’m just worried about him, Bret.”

 

            “I know you are.  I am, too, but just think about it this way.  He’s been doing this for years, and apparently no one was any the wiser, so he’s obviously doing something right.”  He thought for a moment.  “Doing something right in a very wrong way, anyway.”

 

            “I guess you have a point.  You know me, though.”

 

            “Julie Kinsington, surrogate mother to rockstars everywhere.”

 

            Julie laughed.  “I can barely handle you two,” she said. “I sincerely hope I never have to deal with any others.”

 

            “Don’t worry,” Bret said.  “I don’t plan to share you with anyone else.”  Before Julie could respond, Bret pulled up in front of the apartment.  “You want to wait here?”

 

            Julie shook her head.  “I still have this twisted idea that if I’m around, maybe the two of you won’t break each other’s noses.”

 

            “We’ve disproven that theory several times over,” Bret said, “but if it makes you happy, then let’s go.”

 

            They climbed out of the car and began walking towards the door. “I wouldn’t say it makes me happy,” Julie said.

 

            “Perhaps that wasn’t the best choice of words.”  Bret knocked on the apartment door.

 

            It was a good five minutes before the door swung open.  “Good morning,” Hayden greeted them.  He looked tired, but just as innocent and clean as he had the previous night.

 

            “Morning,” Julie said, smiling. Bret nodded.

 

            “Come on in,” Hayden said, moving aside. 

 

            Julie and Bret followed him into the empty living room.  “Where’s Sebastian?” Julie asked.

 

            “He’s in the kitchen,” Hayden replied.  “Follow me.”  He led them into the kitchen, where Sebastian was sitting at the table with a piece of rubber tied around his arm.  He was holding a needle in his hand.

 

            “Jesus Christ,” Bret said.  Julie thought he sounded more alarmed than disgusted.

 

            Sebastian looked up, exasperated, and put the needle on the table.  “Well, there goes my breakfast plans.”

 

            Julie tried to keep the shock out of her expression.  More than anything, she wanted to grab Sebastian by his shoulders, shake him and demand to know what the hell happened to him over the past few years, but she stayed where she was, silent.

 

            “You ready to go?” Bret asked, keeping his voice level.

 

            “Why should I be?”

 

            “Baz, please don’t start with the angsty fourteen-year-old act, all right?” Bret said.  “You knew we were coming to get you two.”

 

            Sebastian sighed and stood up.  “I wouldn’t have to act like an angsty fourteen-year-old if you didn’t insist upon treating me like one.”

 

            “And why do you suppose I treat you like one?”

 

            “Haven’t we been through this before?  It’s because you’re an over-the-hill rockstar who’s jealous of my youth.”

 

            “I don’t know how many fucking times we’re going to go through this bullshit,” Bret said, his tone becoming steadily angrier.  “I’m sick of hearing you spew the same tired lines while I’m running around like a decapitated fucking chicken trying to save your stupid ass from yourself.”

 

            “Then stop fucking doing it!” Sebastian said icily.  “I don’t need you and your little beauty queen here trying to adopt me.”  Seeing the expression on Julie’s face, Sebastian’s features softened.  “I’m sorry, Jule,” he mumbled.

 

            “It’s okay,” Julie said softly.

 

            “Are you ready to stop whining and go now?” Bret asked.

 

            Sebastian looked about to retort, but stopped himself.  He glanced from Bret to Julie, then turned to Hayden.  “The best advice I’m ever going to give you, is to not end up like this guy,” he said, then walked out of the room.

 

§

 

            “Do you want something to eat?” Julie offered Hayden, who was sitting quietly at the kitchen table.  Upon arriving home, Bret and Sebastian had argued a bit more before Sebastian went upstairs and locked himself in the bathroom.  Bret had followed him, and the’yd been up there for twenty minutes, leaving Julie alone with Hayden.

 

            “No, thank you.”

 

            “Something to drink, then?  You’re making me feel like a terrible hostess,” Julie said, trying to appear cheerful even though she certainly wasn’t.

 

            “A glass of water would be fine.”

 

            Julie poured him a glass of water and sat at the table across from him, watching as he gently sipped at it.  There was something striking about this boy that she couldn’t quite wrap her brain around.  He was so polite, almost delicate.  “So, if you don’t mind my asking,” she said tentatively, “how did you end up in this scene at all?”

 

            “I don’t mind,” Hayden said.  “It’s not much of a story, I’m afraid.  I moved out here a year ago with my girlfriend, after my parents died.  She liked to follow bands around, and so we hung out at the club sometimes, and when we broke up a few months ago, Baz helped me find an apartment I could afford.”  He paused to take a sip of water. “But the money my parents left me ran out, so I’ve been sleeping on couches for the past couple of weeks.”

 

            Julie felt an incredible surge of pity. “That sounds pretty rough, especially at your age.”

 

            Hayden shrugged.  “It’s not so bad,” he said, but Julie was sure there was sadness behind his dark eyes.

 

            “You’re stronger than I am,” she replied.  “I was a little younger than you when I met Bret and Sebastian, and I still can’t handle it.”  She smiled.

 

            Hayden was silent for a minute.  “You have a beautiful house,” he said finally.

 

            Julie felt her maternal instincts going over the top.  “Thank you,” she said, “but it’s not my place.  It’s my father’s.  I live in New York.”

 

            “How did you meet the guys?”

 

            “My father’s a big promoter in the business, bigger a few years ago,” Julie responded.  “All of the bands used to party here, and one time Bret had to stay here for a few weeks when he was having trouble with the group.  He introduced me to Sebastian.”

 

            “Sounds exciting.”

 

            “I guess exciting is one word for it.”  Julie paused.  “So you don’t have anywhere to stay?”

 

            Hayden shifted uncomfortably.  “I get by okay,” he said.  “Roscoe lets me stay there pretty often.”

 

            “Isn’t that place kind of crowded most of the time?  I would imagine it would be next to impossible to sleep there.”

 

            Hayden shrugged.  “The dope helps.”

 

            Julie cringed.  “Well, why don’t you stay here while I’m in town?  We obviously have the room, and our house doesn’t see much traffic these days.”

 

            “I couldn’t impose on you like that,” Hayden said.

 

            “It’s no imposition,” Julie replied.  “Besides, I have an alterior motive.  If you stay, then it will probably be easier to get Sebastian to stay.”

 

            “You seem pretty worried about him.”

 

            “Well…” Julie began, uncertain as to how much she wanted to tell this boy.  “He and Bret have been fighting, and Sebastian’s always been a little… unruly.  We just want to make sure he’s okay.”

 

            “I understand,” Hayden replied.  “Well, if it would really be a favor to you guys…”

 

            “It would be,” Julie assured him.

           

            “I guess it’s okay with me, then.  If Baz doesn’t freak out.”

 

            Julie hesitated.  “You really look up to him, don’t you?”

 

            Hayden looked uncomfortable. “I guess so.  He’s pretty cool.”

 

            Julie sighed.  “Yeah.  I guess he is.” 

 

            Just then, Bret came into the kitchen.  He joined them at the table and ran a hand through his hair.  “I am so glad that man is not my child,” he said.  “Although if he was, I could just ship him off to boarding school in Alaska.”

 

            “What happened?” Julie asked.

 

            “He locked himself in the bathroom with a nice big shot,” Bret replied.  “Before I continue, do you think your father will have my head for breaking your door?”

 

            “Given the circumstances and the history of our house, I doubt it.”

 

            “Good.  That’s an extra hassle I don’t really need,” Bret replied.  “By the time I got in there, he was nodding out, so I wrestled him out of there.  I tried to talk to him, but he’s totally smashed.  And now, he’s passed out in your bed.  I hope you don’t mind.”

 

            “It’s fine,” Julie said. “Is he okay?”

 

            “If you mean is he going to live, then the answer is yes, for now.  If you mean in general, I’d have to say no.”

 

            Julie sighed.  “Do we have a plan?”

 

            “No.  No, we do not.”  Bret lit a cigarette.  “All I know is that right now there’s probably not much I can do to make him like me, and as long as he hates me he’s not going to accept a bit of my help.”  He paused.  “He does not, it seems, hate you, however.”

 

            “What am I supposed to do?”

 

            “I don’t know,” Bret replied.  “I really don’t.  I just know that you’re less likely to fly off the handle at him, and that you two are definitely less likely to come to blows than he and I are.”

 

            “I’ll try to talk to him when he wakes up,” Julie said, although she had no idea in the world what she would possibly say to him.  “In the meantime, I’ve invited Hayden to stay here with us for a while.”

 

            “If that’s okay with you, Mr. Michaels,” Hayden piped up.

 

            Bret smiled.  “First of all, it’s not my house.  Second of all, I wouldn’t have it any other way, and third, please don’t call me that.  Bret’s fine.”

 

            “Sorry.  Bret.”

 

            “How did a nice kid like you come to be messed up with a fuck-up like Baz?”

 

            Hayden repeated what he’d told Julie practically verbatim.  “Baz has been pretty good to me,” he finished.

 

            “Eh, don’t listen to me when I call him a fuck-up,” Bret said.  “Baz really is a good guy, he’s one of my best friends and I love the shithead to death.  We just have a tendency to get a little frustrated with each other.  Don’t think it actually means I don’t like the guy.”

 

            “Understood,” Hayden said.  He hesitated, looking uncomfortable.

 

            “What’s the matter?” Julie asked.

 

            “Nothing,” Hayden said.  “It’s just… well, I was wondering if I could maybe use your shower.  There’s always someone shooting up in there at Roscoe’s place.”

 

            Bret and Julie exchanged a glance.  “Of course you can,” Julie said.  “If you go up the stairs and turn left, there’s a bathroom off the bedroom at the end of the hall.  That one doesn’t have a broken door.”

 

            “Are you sure?  I really don’t want to be a bother.”

 

            “Don’t worry about it, kid,” Bret said. “I promise you that you could not possibly be even half as much of a bother to this household as Baz and I are.”

            “I can vouch for that,” Julie agreed.  “Go ahead.  Take your time.”

 

            “Thank you.” Hayden rose and began to walk out of the room.

 

            “Hey,” Bret said.  “I’ll leave a change of clothes on the bed for you.”

 

            “You don’t have to do that.”

 

            “You’re right, I don’t.  But I’m going to, anyway.”

 

            “Thank you,” Hayden said, and left the room.

 

            Bret looked at Julie.  “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

 

            “That he is the nicest kid you’ve ever met and that this situation is getting progressively more terrible by the moment?”

 

            “That sounds about right.”

 

            Julie sighed.  “Well, at least he agreed to stay here, where we can at least sort of keep an eye on things.  Now we’ll just have to see how Sebastian reacts to that.”

 

            “I hate to say this, but we’re going to have to try not to keep him on such a short leash if we want to keep him on one at all,” Bret said.

 

            “How do you mean?”

 

            “Well, I’ve got to ease up a bit with the jailer attitude,” Bret said, “or he’s going to take off and make sure we don’t find him.  I don’t like that idea very much.”

 

            “Neither do I,” Julie agreed.  “What do you suggest?”

 

            “Well, it pains me to say this, but we’re going to have to let him be him.  We can’t bitch every time he runs to Roscoe’s.  We’re going to have to let him have his habit.”

 

            “Doesn’t that seem counterproductive?”

 

            “Yeah, it does, but I’d rather have a live Baz on dope here with us than a dead one in the back of a club somewhere.”

 

            Julie nodded.  “So the plan is to let him be a junkie.”

 

            Bret sighed.  “For the moment.  He seems to be less inclined to stick a needle in his arm in your presence, so that’s something.  And you know how rebellious he is.  I think that maybe if we cut him some slack, it actually might slow him down rather than the opposite.”

 

            Julie thought about what Bret had said.  “You may be right,” she said after a minute.  “I guess it’s the only choice we have, and anyway, it sounds a lot more relaxed than it’s been so far.”

 

            “Exactly,” Bret said.  “Believe me, I was thinking of Devon when I decided all of this. I don’t want her to see us fighting.”

 

            “I think even Sebastian can respect that,” Julie agreed.

 

            “Right.”  He put his cigarette out.  “I guess that’s that then.  The new, albeit shaky plan goes into effect immediately.”

           

§

 

            Bret tossed aside the magazine he’d been idly flipping through.  “Who wants to go get some lunch?”

 

            “I’m broke,” Hayden replied.

 

            “My treat.  And before you even have a chance to say it, it’s no bother.  Jules?”

 

            “I should probably stick around in case my dad and Devon come back,” she said.  “You two go ahead, though.  Do your whole male bonding thing.”

 

            Bret raised an eyebrow.  “You sure?”

 

            “Sure.  I’ll check on Sebastian.”

 

            “If you’re sure.  I’m just sick of sitting here.”

 

            “Understandably so,” Julie said.  They had been sitting in her living room for over two hours, not really doing much of anything.  “But really, it’s fine.  You two go ahead and have a good time.”

 

            Bret rose to his feet and Hayden followed.  “You like Italian?”

 

            “I’ll eat anything,” Hayden said, “but you really don’t have to do this.”

 

            “Let me let you in on a little secret,” Bret said. “I’m a rockstar.  I can afford to take you out to dinner.  Okay?”

 

            “You guys are awfully nice to do all of this for me.”

 

            “We’re just trying to accumulate some good karma,” Bret replied.

 

            “We need it,” Julie agreed.

 

            “Well, I’m sure this is winning you major karma points,” Hayden said.

 

            “We won’t be gone long,” Bret promised. 

 

            “Take your time.  I’ll be fine here.”  She watched Bret and Hayden leave, then decided she might as well check on Sebastian.

 

            He was lying on his back on her bed, propped up so high on pillows that he was nearly sitting up.  “Bret, if that’s you, go away,” he said without opening his eyes.

 

            “It’s me,” Julie said.  “Am I allowed to come in?  It is my room, after all.”

 

            Sebastian opened one eye, looked at her for a second, and closed it again. “Sure,” he said quietly.

 

            Julie entered the room fully and sat on the edge of the bed.  “How are you feeling?”

 

            “Less high than I was a few hours ago.  Where’s Bret?”

 

            “Do you actually care about the answer to that?”

 

            “In the sense that I’d prefer he not be here, yes.”

 

            Julie sighed.  “Well, he’s not,” she said.  “He took Hayden out for lunch.”

 

            Sebastian made a noise that might have been a snort.  “How fatherly of him.”

 

            “Sebastian, they were bored, so they went to get something to eat.”

 

            “Why didn’t you go?”

 

            “I decided to stay here with you.”

 

            “Jule, I’m not going to OD in your bed.”

 

            “I know.  I’m just worried about you, just like Bret is,” Julie said.

 

            Sebastian sighed, still not opening his eyes. “Look,” he said evenly, “don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re a chick.  Not only are you a chick, but you’re a chick who’s never done drugs.  I expect you to worry about me.  But Bret?  I don’t know what the hell his deal is all of a sudden.”

 

            “Well, Sebastian, you have to account for the fact that pretty much everything about the last two weeks has been sudden.”

 

            Sebastian sighed and opened his eyes.  “Look, Jule… I know that Bret doesn’t mean to be a dick,” he said.  “And I know that my temper is no better than his, and in fact it’s probably worse.  You’ve got to understand that I’ve always been left to my own devices, especially this past year, and I’m not going to be too happy when someone comes along and tries to change that.”

 

            “I just care about you so much, Sebastian,” Julie said, “and so does Bret.  We don’t want anything to happen to you.”

 

            “And nothing is going to happen to me.  I’ve made it this far.”

 

            “I seem to remember you having a little help from us at one time.”

 

            “But I don’t seem to remember ever asking for it.”  He paused.  “I didn’t mean for that to sound as harsh as it did.”

 

            “It’s okay.  It’s just… Sebastian, I’ve never seen Bret care so much about anyone.”

 

            Sebastian chuckled.  “Besides you, you mean.”

 

            Julie bit her lip and chose to ignore the comment.  “Bret and I had a talk about everything while you were sleeping,” she said.  “And you’re right.  He’s got to stop trying to control you.”

 

            “Bret Michaels said that?  Out loud?”

 

            “Yes, he did.  We both realize that if we just let you play by your own rules, then you at least might stick around for a while.”  She hesitated and chose her words carefully.  “I’d like you stay here with us for a while.” 

 

            “I’m not sure how into the idea of having Bret watching over me I am.”

 

            “I just told you that he said he wasn’t going to be that way,” Julie said. 

 

            “Jule, come on.  Admit that you guys want to keep me around to make sure I don’t kill myself.”

 

            Julie sighed.  “Fine, Sebastian.  Part of the reason is that we want to make sure you don’t kill yourself,” she said.  “That doesn’t mean that I don’t genuinely want you around, though.  I do.”  She paused.  “And besides, Devon loves you to death.  I think she’d be crushed if you didn’t spend any time with her.”

 

            “Don’t pull the kid angle on me, Jule.  She doesn’t even know I’m here.”

 

            “Are you kidding?  The whole plane ride here she was jabbering on about how excited she was to go to California to see you and her grandfather.”

 

            Sebastian closed his eyes.  “Low blow, Jule.  What about Hayden?”

 

            “He already said he’d stay for a while,” Julie replied.  “As his self-appointed big brother, wouldn’t you prefer that he slept here, in a bed, instead of on Roscoe’s couch?”

 

            “You’re really good at this, you know.”

 

            “At what?”

 

            “Guilt trips.  I never could say no to you.”

 

            “I seem to remember a particular instance in which you most certainly said no to me, Sebastian,” Julie replied.   

 

            He looked at her.  “And it might have been one of my biggest fuck-ups to date, which is saying a lot,” he said, his tone softening.

 

            Julie swallowed and did her best to sound lighthearted.  “Are you hungry?”

 

            Sebastian raised an eyebrow at her, then looked away.  “No.  I’m on heroin, Julie.”  He was quiet for a minute.  “I’d like to go back to sleep.”  There was a tone in his voice that Julie couldn’t quite decipher.

 

             Julie took a breath.  “All right, if you’re sure you don’t want to come downstairs.”

 

            “I’m sure.”

 

            “Well… if you need me, that’s where I’ll be, I guess.”  She rose to her feet and waited for him to respond, but instead he just closed his eyes again.  Sighing, Julie left the room.

 

§

 

            Julie was nearly asleep on the couch when she heard the front door open.  A quick glance at the clock told her that it was nearly 4:30, and a moment later Devon came running into the room.  “Hi, Mommy!” she said brightly.

 

            “Hiya, puss.  Did you have fun with Grampa?”

 

            Devon nodded enthusiastically.  “He let me have pancakes for lunch!”

 

            Ted walked in behind her.  “Spare me the lecture,” he said before Julie could speak.  “A little bit of sugar won’t kill her.”

 

            “Just don’t make it a habit,” Julie replied, smiling.  She turned back to Devon.  “Go upstairs and brush your teeth, puss, but be quiet.  Uncle Sebastian is sleeping.”

 

            The little girl’s eyes lit up.  “Uncle Sebastian is here?”

 

            Julie nodded.  “Yes, but he hasn’t been feeling very well, so we all have to work hard to be quiet and not bother him, okay?”

 

            “Okay, Mommy,” Devon said, and ran off.

 

            “Did she behave herself today?” Julie asked her father.

 

            “Of course she did,” he replied.  “You know your daughter is one of the most-mild mannered kids ever born.”

 

            “And thank god for that.  I don’t think I could take the added stress right now if she wasn’t.”

 

            “How’s he doing?” Ted asked, motioning towards the ceiling.

 

            Julie sighed.  “I don’t know,” she replied.  “I got him to agree to stick around, but not without playing off of the Hayden and Devon angles.”

 

            “Hey, he’s not playing fair.  Why should you?”

 

            Julie smiled a little.  “Thanks for being so cool about all of this.”

 

            “Julianna, your old dad has seen a lot worse than this in his day,” Ted replied.  “I’d much rather have you kids around here than out in the great wide unknown, no matter how badly some of you might be screwing up.”

 

            “Did you just call me a kid?”  Julie hadn’t heard Bret come in, but he was now standing behind Ted with Hayden close at his heels.

 

            Ted grinned.  “Michaels, rockstars or not, you’re all a bunch of children as far as I’m concerned.  Now, if you kids will kindly excuse me, I think I’m going to take a nap before dinner,” he said, and walked out of the room.

 

            “Have a nice lunch?” Julie asked.

 

            “Yes, it was very nice,” Hayden said. 

 

            God, Julie thought, every time he talks I like him a little more.  “Well, that’s good.”

 

            “How’s Baz?” Bret asked.

 

            “Sleeping,” Julie replied, “which is probably for the best.”

 

            “Did you manage to talk him into sticking around?”

 

            “Not without effort, but yes,” Julie answered.  “I had to practically put it in writing that you wouldn’t try to control him.”

 

            Bret sighed.  “Whatever it takes, I guess.  As long as he doesn’t kill himself or cause me any serious headaches, I’ll do my best to stay out of his way.”  He paused.  “I just wish he wasn’t so fucking angry with me.”

 

            “He’s really not that mad, Bret.  He just doesn’t like feeling trapped.”

 

            “You know, Jules, if we didn’t have you to mediate, I think we’d just have killed each other already.”

 

            “I’m surprised you haven’t.”

 

            Bret ignored the comment and sat on the couch next to Julie.  He looked at Hayden.  “You can sit down, you know.”

 

            Hayden took a seat on the chair.  “Sorry.”

 

            Bret turned his attention back to Julie.  “So, I ran into a friend of yours while we were at lunch.”

 

            “What? Who?”

 

            “That Sam girl,” Bret replied.  “She nearly wet her pants when I said hello.”

 

            Julie rolled her eyes.  “Jesus.  I had almost forgotten about Sam.  You know I never talked to her again after we found her on the couch with Sebastian?”  She chuckled.

 

            “Yeah, she reminded me of that, or at least I think that’s what she was talking about.  She was practically hyperventilating.”

 

            “Same old Sam, I take it.”

 

            “From what I saw, yes.  I took the liberty of telling her that we were very busy and probably wouldn’t be in town long.  Sorry if that wasn’t the right thing to do.”

 

            “No, it definitely was.  Sam was a good kid, but jesus, that’s just the last thing we need right now.”

 

            “I’m inclined to agree.”

 

            Just then, Devon came running back into the room.  “Daddy!” 

 

            “Hi, pumpkin.  How was your day out?”

 

            “It was good,” Devon said earnestly.  It was then that she noticed Hayden.  With the sort of bravery that only small children have, she approached him.  “Who are you?”

 

            “Devon, don’t be rude,” Julie chided lightly.

 

            “It’s all right,” Hayden said quickly.  Then, to Devon, “My name is Hayden.  I’m a friend of your Uncle Sebastian.”

 

            “And of ours,” Julie put in quickly.

 

            “You’re pretty,” Devon said to Hayden matter-of-factly.  “Can I sit on your lap?”

 

            Bret and Julie laughed as Devon climbed into Hayden’s lap.  “I was going to say something about only girls being pretty,” Julie said, “but I don’t think that’s really true in the crowd we run with.”  Then to Devon, she said, “Devon, you need to get permission first.”

 

            Devon was already comfortably situated in Hayden’s lap.  “It’s fine with me,” Hayden said, smiling.  “I love kids.”

 

            “They seem to like you, too,” Bret noted.  “Think you can keep an eye on her for a few minutes while Julie and I go talk in the kitchen?”

 

            “Sure,” Hayden agreed readily.

 

            Julie raised an eyebrow at Bret, but followed his lead when he rose to his feet.  “This won’t take long,” she said to Hayden.

 

            “What’s up?” Julie asked when they’d reached the kitchen.

 

            “Nothing,” Bret replied.  “Just wanted a minute alone with you.”

 

            Julie couldn’t help but smile a little.  “What for?”

 

            Bret shrugged, but his blue eyes sparkled mischievously.  “Oh, I don’t know.”

 

            Julie raised an eyebrow.  “Bret, my days of having spontaneous kitchen table sex with rockstars are over.”

 

            “Well, how about not-quite-so-spontaneous, up-against-the-counter, good old-fashioned making out, then?”  He was walking towards her.

 

            Julie found herself backing up, and before she knew it, she was against the counter.  Part of her was screaming that she should get out of the situation in whatever manner possible, but at the same time she found herself desperately wanting to let herself go.  She wanted to pretend that this was all okay, and that things were still as lighthearted as they had been years ago.  “Well,” she said finally, “I guess I could free up my schedule, for the next few minutes.”

 

            Bret smiled and leaned in towards her, pressing his lips against hers.  Julie’s lips parted and their tongues intertwined, and they kissed for a long moment before Bret pulled back.  “It’s fun to pretend we’re kids getting away with something,” he said, his voice an odd mix of humor and lust.  Then he kissed her again, his strong arms coming up around her back to pull her against him.

 

            For a few minutes, Julie lost herself in Bret’s embrace, allowing herself really to believe, just for the moment, that they weren’t in the middle of a rather complicated crisis.  With her eyes closed and his arms around her, she could go back to being eighteen again, before any of this happened. 

 

            Finally, Bret pulled away.  “We’d better stop,” he said, slightly out of breath, “before I decide to carry you upstairs for a while.”

 

            Julie smiled in spite of herself.  “I’m afraid that we don’t have time for.”

 

            “Right.  Well.  I’m going to go check on those two before I run out of self-control.”  He left the room then, leaving Julie standing against the counter, pondering the situation.        

 

§

 

            Sebastian wandered into the kitchen just after 9:00, his hair tousled from sleep.  “Morning,” he muttered to Bret and Julie. 

 

            “Hope you slept well,” Bret said, not looking up from the magazine he was flipping through.

 

            “Of course I did,” Sebastian said, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge.  “Where is everyone?”

 

            “My father is in his office, doing office things,” Julie replied.  “Hayden is upstairs tucking Devon in, as per her request.”

 

            “Baz, that kid is a saint,” Bret said.

 

            “Look at that, a heroin-using nice guy.  The hell you say,” Sebastian replied jovially.

 

            Bret glanced at Julie but ignored the comment.  “What are your plans for the evening?”

 

            Sebastian looked at Bret for a minute as if deciding whether or not to answer nicely.  He caught Julie’s look and sighed. “Hayden and I are probably going to head over to the club for a couple of hours.”

 

            “Sounds fun,” Julie said before Bret could respond.  “I’ll give you a spare house key so you can get back in later.  We’ll probably be asleep.”

 

            Sebastian nodded, looking a bit surprised.  “So you kids are just turning in early tonight, then?”

 

            “Like every night,” Julie agreed, doing her best to smile.

 

            “You guys could come with us,” Sebastian said, clearing his throat.  “If you want.”  He didn’t meet anyone’s gaze.

 

            Julie glanced at Bret, who shook his head.  “Nah,” he said, but smiled.  “I think I’ve had enough of that place, but thanks.”

 

            Sebastian shrugged.  “Whatever.”

 

            Hayden came into the kitchen then.  “Morning, Sebastian,” he said, and took a seat at the table.  Sebastian nodded.

 

            “How’d story time go?” Bret asked.

 

            “She fell asleep halfway through Madeleine,” Hayden replied.  “If you don’t mind my saying so, you have a lovely little girl.”

 

            “I sure do,” Bret agreed.

 

            “Of course we don’t mind you saying so,” Julie added.  “Thank you.”

 

            “Are we going to Ataxia tonight?” Hayden asked.

 

            Sebastian turned the extra chair backwards and straddled it.  “Of course,” he replied.  “Unless you have a better idea.”

 

            Hayden shook his head.  “No, the club is fine with me.  Could we stop at Roscoe’s first?”

 

            Julie cringed at the drug dealer’s name, but said nothing.  She pretended to be paying attention to the crossword puzzle she’d been pretending to pay attention to for the past hour.

 

            “Sure,” Baz said.  “I’m out, anyway.”  He hesitated. “What, no comments from the peanut gallery?”

 

            Bret looked up. “Uh… please don’t get arrested?”

 

            Sebastian just stared at him blankly for a minute.  “That’s it?”

 

            “Yes, Baz.  That’s it.”  Bret went back to his magazine.

 

            Sebastian tossed a look at Julie, who shrugged.  “Just be careful.”

 

            “Right.”  Sebastian rose to his feet again, not bothering to return the chair to its correct position. “You ready to go?” he said to Hayden.

 

            “Sure.”  He rose and turned to Julie.  “Do you need anything while we’re out?”

 

            Julie smiled.  “No, sweety, but thanks.”

 

            “Shit.  I left my wallet upstairs,” Sebastian said. “I’ll meet you at the car, dude.”

 

            “You don’t have a car here,” Bret reminded him without looking up.

 

            “Fuck.  You’re right.  It’s at Roscoe’s.”

 

            Bret rose to his feet, still not looking at Sebastian.  “I’ll drop you guys off at your car.”

 

            Sebastian seemed torn on the issue, but nodded.  “Fine.  Thanks.  I’ll meet you guys outside.”  He left the room.

            Bret leaned down and kissed Julie on the cheek. “I won’t be gone long,” he said.

 

            “Keep up the good work,” Julie replied, smiling.  Bret left the room and she, too, rose.  “I’ll walk you to the door,” she offered Hayden.  “Bret’s got a key, so I’m going to lock up when you leave.”

 

            Hayden was silent until they reached the front door.  “Julie…”

 

            Julie stopped and looked at him.  He looked embarrassed.  “What is it?”

 

            “Nothing, I…” He hesitated.  “I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re one of the prettiest girls I’ve ever seen.”

 

            Julie felt herself blush, uncertain of how to respond.  “Thank you,” she said after a minute.  “That’s a very sweet thing for you to say.”

 

            Hayden looked away. “Well, I guess I’d better go,” he said, and opened the door.  “Goodnight.”  He left Julie standing by the open door.

 

            A moment later, Sebastian came downstairs.  He paused next to Julie.  “Okay, so you might be right,” he said.  “Bret seems a lot more easygoing all of a sudden.”

 

            “I know it’s not what you want to hear, but the guy loves you, Sebastian,” she said.  “And so do I.”

 

            Sebastian reached out and tousled her hair.  “Love you, too, kid.  Try not to worry so much about me.”

 

            “Easier said than done,” Julie replied.  “Take care of Hayden, though, okay?  He’s a really sweet kid.”

 

            “I’ve got it under control, Jule.”

 

            Julie sighed.  “I know.  Just—“

 

            “Be careful.  Got it.”  A horn blared from outside. “Guess that’s my cue.  I’ll see you later.”  He gave her a quick, awkward hug and left.

 

            Julie closed and locked the door behind her, not quite sure what she was feeling.  The situation had definitely relaxed, and she was grateful for the lack of fighting, but she still had a bad feeling about the whole thing.  She knew that they were doing the right thing by not trying to govern Sebastian so much, but she wondered just how much rope they could give him before he invariably hung himself.  Or, in this case, how much heroin they could let him shoot…

 

            Forcing the thoughts from her mind, Julie made her way to her father’s office and knocked.  “Come on in,” he called from inside.

 

            “Hi, Dad,” Julie said.  “I just wanted to say goodnight.  I think I’m going to watch some TV and get to bed.”

 

            “Where’s everybody else?”

 

            “Bret went to drop Sebastian and Hayden off at their car,” Julie replied.  “Devon’s asleep.”

 

            “Everything under control?”

 

            “Probably not, but we’re doing an all right job of faking it.”

 

            “Try not to worry too much, sweetheart.  These things have a way of working themselves out.”

 

            “Well, I’m glad you’re optimistic about it.  That makes one of us.”

 

            “Get some rest, honey.  You’ll feel better in the morning.”

 

            “I hope so.  Night, Dad.” 

 

§

 

            “You’re in bed already?” Bret asked, coming into Julie’s room without knocking.

 

            “I figure I should take any small chance for relaxation I can get,” she replied.  “I trust your little adventure went okay?”

 

            “Fine,” Bret replied.  “I didn’t stick around to watch them buy their dope.”

 

            “I don’t blame you.  I can’t stand watching them fuck themselves up like that.”

 

            Bret crawled onto the bed and sat next to her.  “I know what you mean, especially that kid,” he said. “I mean, we’re at least sort of used to Baz pulling this kind of shit.”

 

            Julie allowed Bret to slip an arm around her, and she snuggled against his chest.  “Promise me they’re going to be okay,” she said quietly.

 

            She felt Bret sigh. “You know I can’t, Jules.  I wish I could.”

 

            “I know.  I just wish there was some way to make this better.”

 

            “We could get married,” Bret suggested.

 

            “Very funny.”  Bret didn’t respond, and they sat in silence for a few minutes.  “What are you thinking?” Julie asked finally.

 

            “Honestly?”

 

            “Of course.”

 

            “I’m thinking about how difficult it is to be in bed with you and just lie here.”

 

            Julie smiled, although he couldn’t see her face.  “Some things never change.”

 

            “You’re right.  You haven’t gotten any less beautiful, and I haven’t gotten any less attracted to you.”  Bret somehow managed to flip them both over in one smooth motion, so that he was propped up on his hands above her face. 

 

            “What are you doing?” Julie said, but smiled. “My father could come up here any minute.”

 

            “Number one, your father knows we’re grown-ups,” Bret replied.  “And number two, I talked to him when I came in, and he said he had hours of work to do downstairs.”

           

            “And you think this means I’ll just let you walk in here and take advantage of me?”

 

            “Won’t you?”  He flashed his signature cocky grin.

 

            “I suppose I might be talked into it,” she replied, and leaned up to kiss him.

 

§

 

            Julie woke up alone in the dark, unable to place what had roused her from sleep.  The clock read 3:40.  A moment later, she heard a distant pounding, which, after a minute, she realized was the front door. 

 

            Yawning, she pulled herself out of bed and slipped on a pair of pyjama bottoms to go with the teeshirt she was wearing, then made her way downstairs in the darkness.  The pounding on the door didn’t stop until she unlocked it and tugged it open.

 

            A clearly intoxicated Sebastian staggered in, with an equally intoxicated Hayden behind him.  Hayden mumbled something and stumbled off in the direction of the kitchen.  Sebastian mumbled something at her.

 

            “Hello, to you, too,” Julie said, closing the door.  “You smell like a distillery.”

 

            “I may or may not have been swimming in one,” Sebastian said, laughing.  It was clear that he was exerting a supreme amount of effort to enunciate intelligibly.

 

            “Christ, how did you manage to drive in this condition?”

 

            “Very quickly.  Did I wake you?”

 

            “It’s nearly 4 in the morning, Sebastian.  What do you think?”

 

            “I think it’s your fault for not remembering to give me a key.”

 

            “Fair enough.  Why don’t you get some sleep?  It’s awfully late.”

 

            “Why don’t you give me a kiss instead?”  He leaned in closer.

 

            Julie took a step back, recoiling from the overwhelming smell of alcohol.  “Not such a good idea, Sebastian.”

 

            Sebastian backed up, looking wounded.  “Whatever.”

 

            “You’re drunk, Sebastian.”

 

            “And doped out of my mind,” he added.

 

            “Wonderful.  Why don’t you go upstairs and get some rest?” she offered again.

 

            “Sleep is for quitters.”

 

            Julie frowned.  “And we certainly wouldn’t want you to quit anything.”

 

            Sebastian snorted and staggered off in the direction Hayden had gone, with Julie close on his heels.  Hayden was sitting at the kitchen table with his head barely propped up in his hands. 

 

            “You all right?” Julie asked him. Hayden mumbled something in response and Julie turned back to Sebastian.  “Is he okay?”

 

            “He’s fine,” Sebastian replied, waving his hand.  “In fact, he’s quite fine, aren’t you, buddy?”

 

            Hayden smiled crookedly.  “Fiiine,” he said, his voice slow and drunk.

 

            Sebastian grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, in turn knocking several others onto the floor.  Ignoring them, he sat at the table. 

 

            Julie sighed and cleaned up the mess.  “Am I safe leaving you two down here alone?”

 

            “Julie,” Sebastian said as matter-of-factly as he could in his current state, “We are fucked up.  We are very happy.  We do not need your mothering right now.”

 

            Julie just looked at him for a minute, trying to decide what, if anything, to say.  Finally, she just said, “Fine,” and walked out of the room.  On the verge of tears from a wellspring of undefinable emotion, she found herself walking into Bret’s room instead of her own.  Without saying anything, she climbed into bed next to him, and he stirred.

 

            “Jules?  What time is it?”

 

            “About four,” she said.  “Can I sleep with you?”

 

            “Of course,” he said, moving so that she could lay her head on his chest.  “Did Baz come home?”

 

            “Well, it looks like Baz,” Julie replied sarcastically.  “They’re completely trashed.  I’m really afraid for them, Bret.”

 

            Bret held her more tightly.  “I know.”

 

            Julie couldn’t help it.  She started to cry.  “He’s so distant to me now.  He told me that my mothering was getting in the way of his happiness.”

 

            “Jesus,” Bret said.  “I can’t believe that asshole made you cry.  He’s fucked up, Jules.  Don’t listen to anything he says when he’s like this.”

 

            “I know… I just miss him, Bret.”

 

            “I do, too.”  Bret sighed into the darkness.  “Try to get some sleep.  We just have to keep going.  Something will eventually give.”

 

            Julie closed her eyes and nestled more closely to Bret.  “I hope so,” she said before drifting off to sleep.

 

           

 

           

§

 

            Julie sat on the back porch with a cup of hot tea, staring out into her father’s extensive backyard.  Even in mid-November, the temperature was nearly seventy degrees, and despite the slow, steady rainfall that had lasted nearly a week now, Julie found it a much more pleasant environment than the New York winters she had grown used to. 

 

            They had been in California for three weeks now, and Julie was beginning to wonder if she’d ever go back to New York.  Every passing day reminded her of how much more her father’s house felt like home, and more than once her father had implied that he’d like it if she just moved back permanently.  Bret had flown to Los Angeles for a few days to check on the status of his own house, primarily to see if Angelique had left any messes waiting for him, but he’d come back shocked and happy to see that she seemed to have left quietly and without a trace.  During the week he’d been gone, Julie barely saw Sebastian, who took the opportunity to take off and be as reckless as possible.  Their relationship was nothing short of tense and contrite, which ate away at Julie, but she found no way to change it.  Hayden got progressively less conversational and more gaunt as the days went on, but his soft kindness never wavered.  When Bret had come home, the pair had slunk home looking guilty after a wild week, but they still spent most of their time out of the house, and when they were home they were pretty evasive.  Thankfully, Sebastian had the remaining common sense to do his best to keep appearances normal in front of Devon, who had completely fallen in love with both him and Hayden.

 

            Things between Julie and Bret were still confusing, but had steadily become less friendly and more romantic.  There had been more than one repeat occurrence of Sebastian getting trashed and attempting to make a move, but Julie had sidestepped all of his advances as well as she could.  The last thing any of them needed was another love triangle, and as long as Sebastian was strung out on drugs, Julie didn’t find it as hard to resist him.  She sometimes wondered if he was even hitting on her, or if he was just being high and hitting on something female.  Everything about the situation still seemed terribly dismal, and terribly up in the air.

           

            It was only eight in the morning and the house was still quiet when Julie had made herself a cup of tea and situated herself on the porch.  With everyone sleeping, she could relax and pretend that everything was all right, even though she knew it wasn’t true.  She missed her friend Sebastian dearly, and if it wasn’t for her increasingly closer relationship with Bret, she doubted she could handle it. 

 

            Sighing, Julie took another sip of tea.  She heard the door behind her open and did not turn.  A moment later, Sebastian took a seat next to her.  “You’re up early,” she noted, and threw a surreptitious glance in his direction.  His already gaunt features looked even thinner and his skin was an unhealthy shade. 

 

            “Couldn’t sleep,” Sebastian replied, staring out into the yard.

 

            “I would think the heroin would make it easier.”

 

            “I haven’t had my morning shot yet,” Sebastian replied seriously.  “What’s your excuse?”

 

            “I couldn’t sleep, either.”

 

            “I would think the sex would make it easier,” Sebastian retorted.

 

            Julie ignored the comment.  “Can I ask you a question?”

 

            “Will it piss me off?”

 

            “I don’t think so.”

 

            “Then go ahead,” Sebastian replied, lighting a cigarette.

 

            “What is it like?”

 

            “What is what like?”

 

            “You know.  Heroin.  What’s so great about it?”

 

            Sebastian threw a sidelong glance at her before going back to staring blankly into the yard.  “I’m not sure how to answer that.”

 

            “Well, try.  I really want to know.”

 

            “Okay.  Um… imagine that you’ve just had the most intense orgasm of your entire life,” Sebastian said.  “Now imagine that you’re lying on the most comfortable bed ever made, just after this mind-shattering orgasm, and you’re peaceful and warm and more relaxed than you have ever, ever been, and you feel as though the entire world could explode and you would be completely all right with that, because nothing at all could possibly bother you, even a little.”

 

            “Wow.  That’s what it’s really like?”

 

            “No.  That is about a tenth as good as it feels.”  He paused. “Does that help you understand why I like it?”

 

            “I think so.”

 

            “It is a complete release from anything that bothers me, no matter how big,” Sebastian continued.  “It is the only surefire cure for my anger, or my bitterness, or… well, you get the idea.”

 

            Julie nodded slowly, even though he wasn’t looking at her.  “I think I understand,” she said.

 

            “No, you don’t,” he replied.  “There is no way to understand without trying it.”

 

            Julie shifted her weight uncomfortably.  “Well, I… I’m trying to understand you.”

 

            “If you want to understand me, then let me shoot some smack into your arm,” Sebastian said. 

 

            Julie honestly couldn’t tell if he was joking.  “You can’t be serious.”

 

            Sebastian shrugged.  “I was just trying to give you a look into my planet,” he said casually.  “I didn’t expect you to actually have the desire or audacity to do it.”

 

            Julie bit the inside of her cheek hard, unable to believe that she was actually contemplating doing something so crazy. She felt as though her sanity was slipping away from her, but part of her reasoned that maybe it would help somehow if she let Sebastian show her his side of life.  Maybe it would be a bonding experience.  Maybe it would somehow make things better.  “Would it matter to you?” she said after a few more minutes of thought.

 

            Sebastian glanced at her, then quickly looked away.  “Would what matter?”

 

            “If I was willing to try it,” Julie replied.  “If I was willing to see what it was like to be on your side of this whole thing.”

 

            Sebastian took a long drag on his cigarette.  “Sure,” he said after a minute.  “I guess it would… hypothetically speaking.”

 

            Julie took a breath.  “What if I wasn’t being hypothetical?”

 

            Sebastian chuckled.  “Don’t be absurd.”

 

            “I’m serious,” Julie said. “I’ll try it.  I’m willing to do just about anything to try to get things back to where they were before.”

 

            Sebastian turned to her. “Jule, things aren’t ever going to be the way they were before.”

 

            Julie couldn’t hold his gaze.  “But maybe they could be better,” she said softly. “Between us, I mean.”

 

            Sebastian was quiet for a long minute.  “Do you really want to do this?”

 

            Julie swallowed hard.  She didn’t want to do it, not at all, but she didn’t know what else could be done.  “Yes,” she said finally.

 

            Sebastian sighed and rose to his feet, flicking his cigarette into the yard.  “Where is everybody?”

 

            “Sleeping,” Julie replied.  “Except for my dad.  He left an hour ago.”

 

            Sebastian ran a hand through his hair.  “Fine… fine.  I’ll be right back.”  He went back into the house.

 

            Julie took a few deep breaths as she stared out into the rain.  “What the fuck are you doing,” she said to herself.

 

            Sebastian returned in what seemed, to Julie, an impossibly short period of time.  Without speaking, he crouched down and tied a piece of rubber around her upper arm, and went about looking for a vein.  He had a needle between his teeth.  Julie could feel her heart hammering away in her chest.

 

            Sebastian found a spot and lined up the needle.  Julie closed her eyes.  “Sebastian,” she said.  “Wait.  Maybe—“  Julie felt the pinch as the needle went into her flesh and inhaled sharply.  She watched in wide-eyed silence as Sebastian injected the drug into her system.  Everything seemed to be moving terribly slowly, but she couldn’t bring herself to speak.

 

            The next few seconds seemed to take hours, and then suddenly Julie felt her world change.  Her chest constricted and it felt as though her entire planet was blowing apart, but not in a painful way.  As suddenly as the rush started, it stopped, and she was left feeling more relaxed than she had ever felt.  It was exactly had Sebastian had described it.  With a supreme amount of effort, Julie rolled her eyes upwards and tried to focus on his face.

 

            “You okay?” he asked, sounding far away.  “I didn’t give you much.”

 

            “I…” Suddenly, a wave of nausea unlike anything Julie had ever experienced washed over her.  She lurched forward onto her knees and barely managed to scramble to the edge of the deck before she began to vomit.  It felt as though her entire body was coming up through her throat.  Tears filled her eyes, and the convulsions wouldn’t stop. 

 

            Sebastian fell to his knees next to her and pulled her hair behind her head, holding her steady so she wouldn’t pitch over the edge.  “It’s okay,” he said assuringly.  “This isn’t uncommon for the first time.”

 

            Julie tried to answer him, but another wave of nausea came and she continued to be sick.  Somewhere she was dimly amazed at how much came out, and somewhere behind that she wondered vaguely if this was when she was going to die.  Before she had time to ponder upon this last thought, she heard heavy footsteps behind her on the wooden deck.  She tried to turn, but her body was heavy.  She was now being fully supported by Sebastian, and she still couldn’t stop throwing up.  Everything seemed fuzzy and grey.

 

            “What the fuck is wrong with her?” she heard Bret’s voice demand.  It sounded as though he was miles away.  Out of the corner of her eye, she could see where the empty syringe had landed in the grass.  She tried to focus on it, but her vision blurred. 

 

            Suddenly she felt herself falling, nearly slipping off the edge of the porch.  Her chin connected with the wood and she waited for the pain that didn’t come.  The retching finally stopped and she managed to roll herself onto her back slowly, dizzy and more inebriated than she’d ever been.  She blinked a few times, slowly, trying to focus on the people standing above her.

 

            Bret had Sebastian by his shirt, but let go as he took a step backwards and swung, his fist connecting squarely with Sebastian’s jaw.  Julie made an attempt to tell Bret that this had been her idea, but only incomphrensible mumbling came out.  She watched in slow-motion as Sebastian stumbled backwards and nearly fell, but managed somehow to step down into the yard.  He backed up a few feet.

 

            Bret walked off of the deck, determined.  He rose his hand to swung again.  Sebastian put up a hand to stop him.  “Just don’t,” she dimly heard him say, not even trying to fight back as Bret paused as though considering what to do next.  “I’m leaving.  I don’t want to do this.  I don’t want to fight.”  He looked down at Julie and she thought he looked positively terrified.

 

            For a moment, Bret said nothing, and neither man moved.  “You have four seconds to get the fuck out of my sight,” Bret growled, his hands both curled into white-knuckled fists.

 

            “I…” Sebastian trailed off, threw another glance at Julie, and stepped back onto the porch, quickly sidestepping Bret and going into the house.

 

            Bret was by her side in a flash.  “Julie?  Can you hear me?  Sweetheart?” He sounded panicked.

 

            “Bret…” she managed, still not quite in control of any of her senses.  She could see the world shift as Bret scooped her into his arms, but she couldn’t feel a thing.  With detached fascination, she watched the floor as he carried her into the house and to the living room. 

 

            She looked on, unable to speak as Sebastian came tearing down the stairs, practically dragging Hayden behind him.  She tried to swallow.  “Don’t… go,” she managed in a weak voice.

 

            Bret glanced at the two men before looking down at Julie.  “Don’t tell them not to go,” he said angrily. 

 

            The last image Julie had before slipping into unconsciousness was that of Sebastian slamming the front door.

 

§

 

            Julie swam through layers of sleep like thick water before she finally managed to pull her eyes open.  She still felt very relaxed and very nauseous.  A cursory glance around revealed that she was lying on her back on the couch and that it was 11:32.  With effort, she pulled herself into a sitting position, trying to ignore her stomach.  The memory of what had taken place a few hours ago quickly flooded her brain and she closed her eyes, growing more nauseous upon realizing how awful everything really was.

 

            “Jules?  Are you okay?”

 

            Julie opened her eyes and looked up at Bret, who was looking down at her with an expression of concern.  “Everything’s still… fuzzy,” she said, and she thought her voice had a strangely dreamy quality to it.  “My stomach isn’t exactly thrilled, either, and I think my face hurts.”

 

            “You hit your chin on the deck,” Bret offered. 

 

            “I think I sort of remember that.  Where’s Sebastian?”

 

            Bret’s expression darkened.  “I don’t know.  He left with Hayden hours ago.  I don’t think I particularly want to know where he is.”

 

            “Bret, you don’t know what happened out there.”

 

            “What more do I need to know?” Bret demanded, barely keeping his voice at an acceptable level.  “That asshole shot you up with smack!”

 

            Julie looked at the floor.  “Do you really think he would have done that without me telling him to?”

 

            Bret sat down heavily in a chair.  “Why would you do something like that,” he said flatly.

 

            “I don’t know, Bret,” Julie replied, still not meeting his gaze.  “I just wanted to understand him.  I wanted to see what the other side of things were like.”  She paused.  “Right before he did it, I was about to change my mind, but by then it was too late.”

 

            Bret was silent for a moment.  “Fine,” he said finally, “but that doesn’t change anything.  There’s no excuse for the fact that he did that, whether you told him to or not.”

 

            Julie leaned against the back of the couch and closed her eyes.  “Bret, I don’t like the idea of him not being here.  I don’t want him to get hurt.”

 

            “Jesus, Julie,” Bret breathed.  “Sometimes your compassion overwhelms me.”

 

            “Maybe he should have said no,” Julie replied.  “But the point is that he wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t my idea.  You know that.  He never even would have dreamed of it.  He’s in a lonely place, Bret.  Who does he have to live in his world with him?”

 

            “Hayden.”

 

            Julie opened her eyes just long enough to give him a look.  “Come on, you know that’s a crap response,” she said.  “Hayden is just a validation, someone that Sebastian can use to think he’s still cool.  They’re eight years apart.  It’s not the same thing.”

 

            Bret sighed.  “I don’t know what you want me to say.  I can’t just act like this doesn’t bother me.”

 

            “Of course not.  No one expects you to.  And I’m not going to say anything about what happened outside, when you hit him.  I don’t begrudge you that.  I just don’t like him running around out there, even more confused and hurt than he obviously already is, without anyone to make sure he’s okay.”

 

            “I’m not going after him, Jules.  Not now.  We both need some time to cool off,” Bret said.  “I’m sorry.”

 

            “No,” Julie replied.  “It’s okay.  I wouldn’t want you to.  I think that would only make things worse.”  She slowly dragged herself to her feet.

 

            Bret rose as well, quickly closing the distance between them.  “What are you doing?”

 

            “I’m going to take a shower,” she replied, “and then I am going to go find Sebastian.”

 

            “No, Jules,” Bret said.  “You need rest.  You’re sick.”

 

            “Bret, if this was going to kill me, it would have already.  I’ll be okay.”

 

            She watched Bret’s face.  His jaw tensed and then relaxed.  “Julie, I can’t let you go out there looking for him in this condition.”

 

            Julie sighed.  “Please, Bret.  I have to.  Can you please just respect that?”

 

            Bret sank down onto the couch and rubbed his face.  “Julie, Christ… fine.  If that’s what you really want to do.  I’ll go with you.”

 

            “No,” Julie said.  “I’m sorry.  I just think that will only make things worse.”

 

            “Jules, this goes against every single bit of my better judgment.”

 

            “Some situations call for a lack of judgment.”

 

            Bret sighed and stood up again.  He reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone.  “I want you to take this with you,” he said.  “And if anything happens, if you need me for any reason, I want you to call me.  Okay?”

 

            Julie took the phone from him.  “Of course.”  Bret leaned forward to kiss her and she moved her head. “Bret, I haven’t brushed my teeth.”

 

            Bret turned her head back to his and kissed her lightly on the lips.  “It would take a lot more than that to dissuade me.”

 

            Julie smiled as best she could.  “I’m going to go take a shower,” she repeated, and walked out of the room.

 

§

 

            Julie had been driving for ten minutes before she realized she wasn’t quite sure where to go.  Her head still felt impossibly heavy and thick, and her stomach was loudly protesting the idea of being upright at all, much less driving a car.  She sighed to herself and decided that the only place worth checking at this hour was Roscoe’s apartment, even though she wasn’t quite sure how well the idea of going there alone sat with her.

 

            At a stoplight, Julie glanced at herself in the rearview mirror and couldn’t remember the last time she’d looked so bad.  Idly she thought it was probably right after Devon was born.  Her face was grey and sweaty, her pupils small.  She had thrown her hair into a messy bun and was wearing a sweatshirt with her shorts despite the temperature outside.  She couldn’t seem to get warm.  “You won’t be winning any beauty contests today, old girl,” she said to her reflection.

 

            The light changed and Julie drove on, intentionally trying not to think at all.  Thinking hadn’t helped any of them in this situation at all.  She flipped on the radio and absent-mindedly hummed along with a U2 song, and before she knew it she found herself pulling up in front of Roscoe’s apartment.

 

            Not allowing herself time to talk herself out of it, Julie got out of her father’s car and hurried up to the door.  For a moment, she just looked at the door, then, taking a breath, knocked.

 

            A moment later, Hayden pulled the door open. “Julie,” he said, sounding surprised.  “Are you okay?”

 

            “I’ve seen better mornings.”

 

            Hayden stepped aside.  “Come in.”

 

            Julie followed him into the apartment.  There was a handful of people scattered around the room, none of them conscious.  “Are any of these people dead?”

 

            Hayden looked around the room.  “I don’t think so,” he said.  “They’re probably just nodded out.”

 

            “I suppose in some small way that’s a relief,” Julie said, pushing a stray hair from her face.  “Dare I ask where Sebastian is?”

 

            Hayden looked uncomfortable.  “He’s in the bathroom throwing up, actually.  Sorry to be so gross.”

 

            “It’s okay.  Not much could tip the scales after this morning’s grossness.  Could you show me where that is?”

 

            “It’s the door all the way at the end of the hall.”

 

            “Thanks.”  Julie stepped over a few unconscious forms, still uncertain whether they were all living, and made her way down the hallway.  She entered the bathroom without knocking, knowing that Sebastian wouldn’t let her in if she announced herself. 

 

            Sebastian was resting his head against the rim of the toilet.  “Occupied,” he said, sounding sick.

 

            “Hello to you, too.”

 

            Sebastian pulled his head up in what Julie could only think to describe as surprise in slow motion.  His face was pale and sweaty.  “Jule?”

 

            Julie shut the door and sat on the edge of the bathtub.  “In the pale flesh,” she confirmed.

 

            “Can this conversation wait?  I’m kind of about to puke here.”

 

            “Sebastian, don’t even tell me you can’t puke in front of me, given the circumstances of this morning.”  She paused, reflecting on the past.  “And always, for that matter.  This will not be a first.”

 

            “I can only assume…” Sebastian paused for a second, cleared his throat, and continued.  “That you are talking about our first date.”

 

            Julie chuckled weakly.  “If that’s what you want to call it, yes.  Anyway, what are you waiting for?  Go ahead.  Puke.  I don’t mind.”

 

            Sebastian raised an eyebrow at her.  “I’m not ready yet.”

 

            “What’s wrong, anyway?”

 

            Sebastian put his head back down and closed his eyes.  “If you must know, I think the events of this morning made me nauseous.”  He paused.  “And then I shot up, maybe a little too much.”

            “Sebastian, about this morning—“

 

            Sebastian pulled his head up again.  “Hang on a second,” he said.  “I think I might be ready.”

 

            Julie slid off of the tub and onto her knees on the floor.  “You okay, love?”

 

            “I’ll be fine.  What are you doing?”

 

            She reached out and pulled his long hair into her hands.  “Nothing I haven’t done for you before,” she said quietly, momentarily putting aside the feelings of her own stomach.

 

            “Jule, you don’t have to do that.”

 

            “Sebastian, shut up and puke already.”  She closed her eyes and tried not to pay attention as he complied.  When he was done retching, Julie rose and helped to his feet, then flushed the toilet while he rinsed his mouth.  “You okay now?” she asked.

 

            Sebastian sat on the edge of the sink.  “I guess.  Now do you want to tell me what you’re doing here?”

 

            “In all the time we’ve known each other, have I ever just let you walk away after something like the events of this morning happened?”

 

            Sebastian sighed.  “No,” he said.  “Where’s your other half?”

 

            “I made him stay at home.  I had a feeling you didn’t want to see him right now.”

 

            “Your feeling was right, but maybe not for the reasons you think.  And anyway, I’m sure he doesn’t want to see me, either.”

 

            Julie leaned against the bathtub.  “He’s pretty mad,” she agreed.  “Less so now that he knows that it was my idea.”

 

            “What, did he think that I held you down and shot you up with dope against your will?”

 

            Julie sighed.  “I don’t know.  Either way, he’s pretty upset.  I can’t begrudge him that.”

 

            “I suppose I can’t, either.  I know he’s just trying to protect you.”  He took a breath.  “And I know I shouldn’t have done what I did.  Believe me, I’m beating myself up worse than he did.”

 

            “I know that.  And I think when he calms down a little more, he’ll know that, too.”  She paused.  “So are you going to let me take you home, or what?”

 

            “Are you out of your mind?  That would be like walking into a minefield.”

 

            Julie couldn’t deny he had a point.  “So what are you going to do?  Just never come back?”

 

            “No… I don’t know.  I’m just going to lie low for a couple of days.”

 

            “Where are you going to stay?”

 

            “Here.”

 

            “Sebastian, I hate the idea of you ratting around this apartment when there’s plenty of room for you at home with me.”

 

            “Jule, I’m more at home here than I am in that big house of yours.  I’ll come back, okay?  In a couple of days.  I just… I don’t want to see him right now.”  He hesitated. “Just let me stay here a while to nurse my wounded ego.”

 

            Julie sighed.  “Will you at least call me?”

 

            “If it will make you feel better.  If Bret answers, I’m going to hang up, I swear.”

 

            “I don’t doubt you mean that.”  Julie pulled herself to her feet.  “I guess I’m going to go home and calm him down.  You sure you’re okay here?”

 

            “I’m fine.  More importantly, though, how are you?  I hate to say it, but you’re not looking your best.”

 

            “Nor am I feeling my best,” Julie replied. 

 

            “I didn’t realize it would make you so sick,” he said, not looking at her.  “I’m sorry.”

 

            “Sebastian, please don’t blame yourself for this.  I understand more about your motivations than I think you know.  I’m fine.  I’m not going to die, and with luck I’m not even going to throw up anymore.  Okay?”

 

            “I just… god,” he said.  “I didn’t want to do anything to hurt you.”

 

            Julie was quiet for a minute, knowing that if she opened her mouth, she’d tell him that what was hurting her was how he’d been behaving for the past two weeks.  She knew it wasn’t the best thing to say.  “You didn’t, Sebastian.  The only thing that would really hurt me is if you never came back.”

 

            Sebastian looked at her for a minute, then turned his head away and started at the wall. “I always come back, Jule.”  He hopped down from his seat on the sink.

 

            Julie took the chance to wrap her arms around him.  “Well, just promise me you’ll come back this time.”

 

            Sebastian stiffened, then relaxed in Julie’s hug.  His long arms wrapped around her as they had so many times in the past, and she rested her head on his shoulder.  “Yeah, sure.  I promise,” he said quietly.

 

§

 

            Bret and Devon were watching a Disney movie when Julie arrived home, carrying a bag of cheeseburgers from McDonald’s.  She had decided that in her present state, cooking was simply not an option, and besides, Devon certainly wouldn’t mind having fast food for lunch.

 

Bret flipped the movie off.  “Go wash up for lunch,” he said to his daughter.  “We’ll watch the rest of the movie later.”

 

“Okay, Daddy,” Devon said obediently, and ran off.

 

“You didn’t call,” Bret noted, standing up.

 

“I didn’t need to.”

 

            “Are you going to tell me what happened?”

 

            Julie headed into the kitchen with Bret close behind her.  “Nothing happened.  He was at Roscoe’s.  I talked to him.”

 

            “And?”

 

            “And what?  He’s going to stay there for a few days, and then he said he’d come back.”  Julie grabbed some plates from the cabinet.  “Do you think you can resist killing him when he does?”

 

            Bret opened one of the cheeseburgers and bit into it, not speaking until he swallowed.  “If I don’t kill him, it is because you have asked me not to, and for no other reason.”

 

            Julie sighed and set a place at the table for Devon.  “Bret, you don’t really want to kill him.”

 

            “Sure, I do,” Bret replied earnestly.  Seeing the look on her face, he sighed.  “I’m sure I’ll calm down by the time I’m actually face to face with him again, Jules, but right now, I really don’t want to see the guy.”

 

            “The feeling is mutual,” Julie assured him.  “Is your food all right?”

 

            “It’s fine,” Bret replied.  “Aren’t you going to have any?”

 

            Julie patted her stomach.  “I don’t think so.  The idea of eating is totally unappealing at the moment.”  She yawned. 

 

            “You look exhausted.”

 

            “I am.”

 

            “Why don’t you go upstairs and take a nap?  I’ll keep an eye on Devon,” Bret offered.

 

            Julie considered the idea.  A nap did sound inviting.  “Are you sure?”

 

            Bret nodded.  “Sure.  We have a movie to finish, anyway.  Didn’t I ever tell you that Peter Pan  is a personal favorite of mine?”

 

            “You don’t say,” Julie said, smiling a little.  “Okay.  A nap does sound like a good idea.  If you need me, just wake me up.”  She planted a quick kiss on his lips and left the room, heading upstairs.

 

            Devon was at the top of the stairs.  “Lunch is on the table, puss,” Julie said.  “I got you McDonald’s.”

 

            “Yay!”

 

            “Mommy’s going to take a little nap, but you can have dinner with your daddy and then you can finish watching your movie, okay?”

 

            “Okay, Mommy,” Devon responded, bounding down the steps before Julie could speak again.

 

            Julie went into her room and shut the door behind her, then drew the curtains closed before lying on her bed.  She pulled the covers up and curled up on her side, emotionally drained.  Everything seemed so entirely hopeless.  Between Sebastian’s increasing drug habit, the tension between the guys, and maintaining appearances in front of Devon, Julie felt like she was going to break in half.  To top everything else off, her feelings for Bret were coming back more strongly than ever. 

 

            She sighed and closed her eyes, hoping that sleep wouldn’t be evasive.  Her stomach was still churning and she felt like someone had pressed a giant ‘pause’ button in her head.  Mercifully, Julie felt sleep begin to overtake her almost immediately.

 

§

 

            Julie woke three hours later feeling only slightly more rested.  Mercifully her stomach felt for the most part back to normal, although the idea of food still seemed repulsive.  Her emotional state had not improved at all.

 

            Suddenly struck by the desperate need to talk to someone outside of the situation, Julie grabbed the cordless phone from beside her bed and punched in a number.  After four rings, a voice on the other end picked up.  “Yeah?”

 

            “Rikki?  It’s Julie.”

 

            “Hey, sugar!  What’s going on?”

 

            “Plenty.  How’s the party?”

 

            “On hold until tonight, I guess,” Rikki replied.

 

            “Have fun last night?”

 

            “From what I’m told, I did something that involved bunny ears and the twist,” Rikki said.  “So I’m assuming that I did.”

 

            Julie couldn’t help but smile. “I don’t even want to know.”

 

            “Neither do I,” Rikki agreed.  “Anyway, what’s going on back there?  Is something wrong?”

 

            Julie sighed audibly.  “I’m afraid everything’s wrong,” she said.

 

            “What’s the matter, princess?”

 

            “You’ve missed quite a weekend,” Julie said, and explained everything that had happened.

 

            “Jesus Christ,” Rikki breathed. “Where are they now?”

 

            “I assume Bret’s downstairs watching Disney movies with Devon,” Julie replied. “I just woke up from a nap.  Sebastian’s at Roscoe’s house.  I don’t think he’ll come back here for a couple of days.”

 

            “I can imagine why,” Rikki said.  “Frankly, I’m surprised Bret didn’t just snap his neck.”

 

            “No more surprised than any of us are.  I really wish they weren’t so pissed at each other,” she said.  “It makes things even more complicated than they already are.”

 

            “Do you want us to come over?”

 

            Julie considered the idea.  “I don’t think so,” she said.  “Nothing against you guys, or anything.  I just think adding any sort of extra element to this, be it positive, negative, or neutral, would only make things more fucked up.”

 

            “I guess you have a point.  I just wish there was something I could do, or even something I could say.”

 

            “I don’t think there’s much that anyone can do right now.  I just needed to hear the voice of someone who isn’t part of the problem.”

 

            “Well, I’m glad you called.  And don’t hesitate to call again,” Rikki said seriously.  “Don’t think that you have to try to keep this whole thing standing all by yourself.  I’m here if you need help.  We all are.”

 

            “Thanks, Rikki.  You’ve always been the voice of reason.”

 

            “Yeah, the voice of reason in bunny ears.”

 

            “Upon further consideration, I think I’m really sorry I missed that.  It sounds more fun than what’s been going on here.”

 

            “I love you to death, sugar, but I think I’m glad you didn’t see me doing the twist last night.  Once they busted out the Jose Cuervo, it was all downhill.”

 

            “How are Bobby and CC holding up?”

 

            “Well, CC’s been sitting in the same position for the past two hours.  He’s either sleeping with his eyes open, or something very cool is happening on the floor that only he can see, either of which is just as likely as the other.”

 

            “Are you sure he’s not dead?”

 

            “Yeah.  He’s breathing and occasionally he makes a noise that’s either a grunt or a laugh.”

 

            Julie chuckled. “What about Bobby?”

 

            “Bobby is passed out on a raft in the pool.”

 

            “He could drown, you know.”

 

            “Do you know  how much silicone is at this place?  There’s enough floatation devices here to land a plane.  Besides, I can see him through the window.  If he falls off, I’ll run out there and save his stupid ass.”

 

            “Okay, so maybe it’s best that I’m not there.  I don’t think my natural breasts and I would fit in.”

 

            “You say that like it’s a bad thing.  Maybe it’s not very rock and roll of me, but plastic tits strike me as rather unsettling.”

 

            “I won’t tell any of your fans that you said that.  They’d be crushed.”

 

            “More like deflated.”

 

            “You’re terrible, Rikki.  Anyway, I should go.  I don’t know what kind of trouble Bret and a five-year-old could get up to.”

 

            “I’d be wary of anything that involves paint or flies.”

 

            “Thanks for the tip.  And thanks just for being you.”

 

            “Nonsense.  Call me later if you want.”  He paused.  “If I sound incoherent, just ignore me.  And if you think of it, tell me not to do the twist.”

 

            Julie laughed.  “All right, Rikki.  I’ll talk to you later.”

 

            “Bye, love.”

 

            Julie felt a bit better as she turned the phone off and put it back on it’s cradle.  She made her way downstairs and found Bret flipping channels on the TV.  “Where’s Devon?” Julie asked.

 

            “Your father came home and took her out to dinner and a movie,” Bret replied.  “And he said to tell you he doesn’t want to hear one word about how he’s spoiling her, because it is his duty as her grandfather.”

 

            Julie smiled a little and sat on the couch next to him.  “I think I’m actually glad I don’t have to play responsible mother tonight.”

 

            “I don’t blame you.  And honestly, I don’t think I could handle another animated movie right now.”

 

            “You know, I probably should be saying this more often, but thank you,” Julie said.  “You’ve been so great with her.”

 

            “Don’t thank me.  The time I’ve been spending with her doesn’t begin to make up for the years I missed.”

 

            “Bret, the past is the past.  I’m only talking about the present.”

 

            “You never let me apologize, you know that?”

 

            Julie smiled. “I’m just glad you’re here now, and that you and Devon have taken such a liking to each other.”

 

            “You know she’s wonderful,” Bret replied.  “I love her.  And I love you.”  He pulled her against him.

 

            Julie closed her eyes and breathed in the clean scent of Bret’s hair.  “Let’s just stay here, like this, for as long as we can.”

 

            “I think I can deal with that,” Bret replied.

 

§

 

            Julie felt someone shaking her, and struggled to pull her eyes open.  “Bret?  Is that you?”

 

            “Yeah, it’s me.”

 

            “It’s still dark out,” Julie said, yawning.  “What’s going on?  Is Devon okay?”

 

            “She’s sleeping,” Bret said.  “She’s fine.”

 

            Julie pulled herself into a sitting position and struggled to focus on the clock.  5:41.  “You’d better have a really good excuse for this.”

 

            “Of course I do.  We have a plan to catch at 7.”

 

            Julie frowned.  “Bret.  Honey.  You’re sleepwalking.  Go back to bed.”

 

            Bret laughed.  “No, I’m serious.”  He waggled some papers in Julie’s face that she assumed were plane tickets.  “We’re flying to my place in LA.”

 

            “Bret, what are you talking about?”

 

            “There’s a few things I still need to take care of back there,” Bret said.  “Closing the place up for the winter, and all.”

 

            “I don’t see what this has to do with me.”

 

            “You could use the time off.”

 

            “I don’t know, Bret.  I don’t like the idea of putting Devon on another plane.”

 

            “You won’t have to.  Your father already agreed to keep her.  We’ll only be gone overnight.”

 

            Julie frowned.  “You might have thought to ask me about this before you went ahead and planned everything for me.”

 

            “Oh come on, Jules.  Are you trying to tell me you couldn’t use a day away from all of this?  Besides, I really want you to come with me.”

 

            Julie sighed into the darkness.  “All right.  Fine.  I’ll go,” she said after a minute.  “Just let me get ready.”

 

§

 

            Julie stood staring upon Bret’s sprawling Los Angeles estate after the taxi dropped them off.  It had been years since she’d seen it, and it brought back odd pangs of lost emotion. 

 

            Bret came up behind her with one of their two carry-on bags in either hand.  “You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” he commented.

 

            “I guess I have, in a way,” Julie replied.

 

            Bret put the bag down and pulled his keys out of his pocket.  “Fuck,” he said, examining the key ring.  “I don’t have the front door key with me.  I must have left it at your place.”  He paused.  “Wait here, I’ll have to go in through the back, then I’ll let you in the front door.  Okay?”

 

            Julie nodded.  “Sure.”  Bret walked off around the side of the house.  Julie picked up their bags and made her way to the porch, where she turned and looked up into the sunny sky.  The sun had been evasive for the past few weeks, and Julie was grateful to see it shining.  Sadly, she wondered if the sun was shining in Sebastian’s world.

 

            Turning back to the door, Julie cursed under her breath.  “What the hell is taking him so long?” she wondered aloud.  She thought that maybe he’d realized he couldn’t get into the house at all, and wasn’t sure whether that idea seemed amusing or not.

 

            Finally, after nearly ten minutes, the front door swung open and Bret stepped onto the porch.  “Sorry about that,” he said.  “Damn door was stuck.”  He took the bags from her hands.  “Come on in.”

 

            Julie followed him into the foyer.  “God,” she breathed.  “I’d almost forgotten what this place looked like.”

 

            “Me, too,” Bret replied.  He started walking in the direction of the dining room, and, leaving the bags on the floor, Julie followed after him.

 

            When they reached their destination, Julie felt like someone had kicked her in the stomach.  She gasped. 

 

            Bret’s ornate dining room table looked as though it had come right out of the pages of a romance novel.  There was a vase on either end filled with more red roses than Julie could even count, and in the middle sat a bottle of champagne on ice.  The lights were dimmed and two candles in extravagant silver holders were burning.  Julie bit her lip.  “Bret?  What is this?” she breathed.

 

            “Sit down,” he told her.  She allowed him to lead her to one of the chairs and didn’t resist as he pushed her into it.  Without waiting for her to speak, he grabbed the bottle of champagne and poured it into glasses, then handed her one.

 

            She took a hesitant sip.  “Bret?” she said again.  It was nearly impossible to breathe.

 

            Bret took a sip of his champagne, then put his glass down.  He looked nervous.  “Okay, so maybe I don’t really have anything to take care of at home,” he began.

 

            “So I’ve noticed.”

 

            Bret took a deep breath.  Julie couldn’t remember him ever looking so anxious.  “I brought you here for a reason,” he said.  “These last few weeks with you have been the best weeks I’ve spent in years, even with everything that’s been going on.”  Julie smiled in spite of herself.  “I have no idea how I made it through these past five years without having you in my life.  Every day since you left I kicked myself for not running after you.” 

 

            Julie took a sip of her champagne, suddenly unable to keep her hands steady.  “That’s so sweet,” she said tentatively.

 

            “Just hear me out,” Bret said.  “All this time passed without ever hearing your voice or seeing your face and I thought that I convinced myself that that part of my life was over.  I swore that it was. And I didn’t mean for it to happen, but over the past few weeks I’ve completely fallen in love with you again.  You and our daughter.”  It was obvious he was struggling to keep his tone even.  “When I said a couple of weeks ago that we could get married, Julie, I wasn’t kidding.  I’m in love with you.  I want to wake up every morning for the rest of my life and know that you’re sleeping next to me.”  He took a breath.  “I haven’t had a chance to get you a ring yet,” he said sheepishly, “but I swear I’ll buy you the most beautiful ring money can buy.”

 

            Julie couldn’t think.  She couldn’t see straight as Bret lowered himself onto one knee in the classic romantic expression of love.

 

            Bret took Julie’s shaking hand into his own.  “I want to be with you forever,” he said.  “Julie Kinsington, will you marry me?”

 

            Julie took a shuddering breath, unable to keep the storm of tears that had been threatening behind her eyes from spilling over.  She swallowed.  “Yes,” she said after a minute.  “Yes.  Of course I will.”  She started to cry harder.

 

            Bret pulled her to her feet and embraced her tightly.  “I love you so much,” he said, and Julie thought he didn’t sound far from tears himself.

 

            “I love you, too,” she said.  She pulled back and looked up into his blue eyes.

 

            He leaned down to kiss her then, and Julie couldn’t think of a time when she’d ever been kissed so passionately.

 

§

 

            Julie swam into consciousness and laid still for a few long moments, her head on Bret’s naked chest.  For the time being, at least, she was in a state of pure bliss, refusing to allow any negative thoughts to penetrate the place she was in.  Bret’s proposal had been completely unexpected, and Julie was surprised at how readily she’d accepted, but she didn’t feel even the slightest need to second guess herself.  The worries could wait until they were back in San Francisco.

 

            Julie tilted her head up to look at Bret’s face as he slept.  His blond hair fell into his face and his expression was relaxed and peaceful.  Once he had managed to get her to stop crying the night before, they’d spent the entire day making love in various rooms in Bret’s house, stopping only long enough to go out for an extravagant dinner.  Once back at the house, they had continued their love-making into the wee hours, and fallen asleep, exhausted, in Bret’s massive white satin bed.  Julie couldn’t remember ever being quite so happy.

 

            Bret stirred and opened his eyes, smiling when he saw Julie looking up at him.  “Morning.”

 

            “Good morning,” Julie said, returning the smile.  “Sleep well?”

 

            His smile widened.  “Are you kidding?  After the workout you gave me last night, I slept like the dead.  You?”

 

            “Very well,” Julie replied.  “For the first time in weeks.”

 

            Bret kissed the top of her head.  “I was afraid you’d say no, you know,” he said.  “You’ve got a stubborn streak a mile wide.”

 

            “I learned it from watching you,” Julie said, chuckling.  “But anyway, I didn’t say no, so let’s not even think about that.”

 

            “I can deal with that.  What time is it?”

 

            Julie propped herself up on one arm to look over Bret at the clock.  “Nearly 11,” she said.  “We slept in.”

 

            “I think we deserved it.”

 

            “What time is our plane?”

 

            “Not until two,” Bret said, his blue eyes sparkling mischievously.

 

            “Do you want to have breakfast?”

 

            “I want to have you for breakfast,” Bret replied.  Without waiting for a response, he moved swiftly so that he was above her on the bed. 

 

            “Why, Mr. Michaels,” Julie said, “I’m not sure how much I’ve got left in me.”

 

            “Well, Mrs. Michaels,” Bret replied, and Julie felt herself shiver in delight, “you’ve yet to disappoint.”  He leaned in to kiss her and Julie accepted his eager kisses readily, her hands reaching up into his hair. 

 

            Bret’s mouth kissed a warm trail down Julie’s neck and onto her chest.  He paused to look up at her.  “I could spend the rest of my life doing this.”

 

            Julie smiled.  “And so you shall.”

 

            Bret leaned down and kissed her again.  This time, when the kiss broke, his voice was gravelly and thick with lust.  “I have to have you now,” he said, and slid himself into her.

 

§

 

            “I know we’re supposed to be all dreamy and off in la-la-land right now,” Julie said to Bret once the plane had taken off.  “But there’s a few things we should probably discuss before we get home.”

 

            “Okay.  Like what?”

 

            “Well, we’re flying out of fantasy land here, Bret.  We have people to deal with. Like my father, and Devon, and Sebastian.”

 

            Bret inhaled.  “Well, what do you suggest?”

 

            “I don’t think we should tell Sebastian right away.”

 

            “Neither do I.  And on that note, we probably shouldn’t tell Devon.  I don’t think a five-year-old girl can be trusted to keep such a secret.”

 

            Julie nodded.  “Good point.”

 

            “As for your father, I’ll take care of him,” Bret said, smiling.

 

            Julie laughed. “I’m sure you will.”  She paused.  “I’m really not sure what to do about Sebastian, though.  I’m not sure how he’ll take it.”

 

            Bret sighed.  “I really don’t know,” he said.  “We’ll just have to wait and see, I guess.  I mean, we don’t even know when we’ll be seeing him again.”

 

            “Well, I’m going to call him when we get home,” Julie replied.  “That is, if you have the phone number.”

 

            “Yeah.  A million nights of rescuing him burned that number into my memory.”  Bret hesitated.  “Maybe it is time for him to come home.”

 

            Julie couldn’t keep the shock out of her expression.  “What brought on the sudden shift in opinion?”

 

            “I don’t know,” Bret said.  “I’m happy.  I want to stay happy, and as long as I know that one of my best friends in the world doesn’t want to talk to me, I can’t be completely happy.  I told you I’d calm down eventually.”

 

            “So does that mean I’m liberty to say that we want him to come back, as opposed to just me?”

 

            Bret nodded slowly.  “Yeah, I guess it does.  I want things to be as calm as possible.  It’s going to be a busy time for the next month or so.  We have a wedding and Christmas to plan.”

 

            “Thanksgiving is next week,” Julie said.  “What about that?”

 

            “Fuck.  I hadn’t even considered that,” Bret said. “It’s sort of a band tradition to avoid the whole turkey and thanks part in favor of a hotel party and a wet bar.”

 

            Julie laughed.  “Well, seeing as this is likely your last Thanksgiving before you’re a married man, I suppose I could let you have your little party with the boys.”

 

            Bret grinned.  “Well, thank you.  We’ll see what happens.  For now, let’s just get home and figure out what we’re going to do about the current state of affairs.”

 

§

 

            It wasn’t until after Devon was in bed that night that Bret and Julie managed to sit down to talk to Julie’s father.  The evening had been hectic.  Immediately upon their arrival, Devon had begun excitedly jabbering about her day with her grandfather, and Julie had made a mental note to remind her father, yet again, that he needed to stop spoiling the little girl so much.  They had decided to eat dinner out and didn’t get home until after 9, and getting Devon to bed had been more difficult then usual.

 

            Finally, at just past ten, the three adults managed to relax.  They’d set up camp on the deck, the men with beers and Julie with a glass of iced tea.

 

            “Trip okay?” Ted asked.

 

            “It was lovely,” Julie said, trying not to smile too widely.  “How was Devon?”

 

            “We had a wonderful time, of course,” Ted replied.  “And I know exactly what you’re about to say, but no, I will not stop spoiling my granddaughter.  So spare me.”

 

            “I second that,” Bret put in.  “I plan to spoil the hell out of her.”  He took a sip of his beer.

 

            “Fine, then you two can deal with her when she acts up,” Julie said simply.

 

            They sat in silence for a few minutes, sipping at their drinks, until finally Bret spoke.  “So, Ted,” he said, “I have a favor to ask you.”

 

            Ted took a sip of his beer.  “I believe you still owe me for a coffee table and a bathroom door, son,” he said, not missing a beat.

 

            Bret laughed. “Well, this is a little different.”

 

            Ted cast a sidelong glance at his daughter, who looked away quickly, fighting not to grin, then he turned back to Bret. “All right, kids.  What’s going on here?”

 

            “Well, I’m trying to do this by the book,” Bret said.  “So I guess what I’m attempting to ask you for is your daughter’s hand in marriage.”

 

            Ted was silent for a long moment.  “Well, Bret,” he began finally, “seeing as you’ve had a lot more than her hand already…”

 

            “Daddy,” Julie chided lightly.

 

            “You be quiet,” Ted said.  Then, to Bret, “It’s about time you got off your ass and married her.  You should have done this years ago.”

 

            “Believe me, I know,” Bret agreed.  “I take it that means we have your blessing.”

 

            “As if an old man like me really has any choice in the matter,” Ted replied.  “Of course you have my blessing.”

 

            “You’re right,” Bret agreed.  “Asking for your permission was merely a formality.”

 

            “And if I had said no?”

 

            “Then we would have had to cut you up and bury you in the yard.”

 

            “Bret,” Julie reprimanded him jovially.

 

            “Watch it, Michaels,” Ted warned.  “Twenty years older than you or not, I could still kick your long-haired ass.”

 

            Bret laughed.  “I’m glad I won’t have to find out.”

 

            A few minutes passed in silence.  “So what are you going to tell Sebastian?”

 

            Julie swallowed.  Her father knew her so well.  “I don’t know,” she admitted. 

 

            “You’re going to have to tell him the truth eventually,” Ted said.

 

            “I know,” Julie replied.  “Just maybe not yet.”

 

            “On that note, we’d appreciate it if you didn’t mention any of this to Devon,” Bret put in. 

 

            Ted nodded.  “Your secret is safe with me.  Just start thinking about it,” he advised.  “Anyway, you kids have some more people to tell about this yet tonight.”

 

            Julie frowned. “What do you mean?”

 

            “Rikki called this afternoon before you got home,” Ted replied.  “The guys are all stopping by here tonight.  They should be here any minute, actually.”  He paused. “Don’t worry.  I took the liberty of buying a few bottles of champagne.”

 

            “But how did you…” Julie trailed off.

 

            “Julianna, your old dad is no fool,” Ted answered.  “And we’ll just leave it at that.”

 

            As if on cue, the sound of the doorbell rang out through the house.  Bret turned to Julie.  “You ready to do this?”

 

            “As I’ll ever be,” she agreed.  “Bring them out here.”

 

            Ted rose to his feet.  “I’ll get the door,” he offered.  “And then I’ll get the champagne.”  He went into the house.

 

            “Do you want to tell them, or should I?” Bret asked.

 

            “You’re the one with the stage presence,” Julie replied. “I’ll just sit here and look pretty.”

 

            “Actually, I’d rather if you came over here on my lap and looked pretty.”

 

            Julie smiled and did as she was told, sitting across Bret’s lap and resting her head against his shoulder.

 

            A moment later the band filed onto the deck, led by Rikki.  “Well, if that isn’t just the cutest thing in the world.”

 

            “Hello to you, too,” Bret said. 

 

            “Been a while,” Bobby noted. 

 

            “That it has,” Bret agreed. “Sit down.  There’s beer in the cooler.”

 

            The guys grabbed drinks and found various places to sit.  “Maybe I’m being forward,” Rikki said then, “but it appears you two are becoming rather chummy again.”

 

            “Yes.  Yes, in fact, we are rather chummy,” Bret said.  “And we have some news.”

 

            CC popped the top of his beer and took a long swallow.  “Pregnant again?”

 

            Julie laughed.  “No, CC.  You’ll have to save the fat jokes for some other time.”

 

            “Damn.  I love fat jokes.”

 

            “Okay, so what’s the news?” Bobby interjected.

 

            “What’s the best way to put this,” Bret mused.  “Well, how about we just say that I’m not going to be a free man for much longer.”

 

            Rikki drew in a breath.  “You two are finally getting married?”

 

            Julie nodded, smiling.  “Yep.”

 

            “About time you two tied the knot,” Bobby said.  “We knew it was going to happen eventually.”

 

            “Ah, Michaels,” CC said.  “She’s brainwashed you!”  He took a sip of his beer.  “Naw, I’m kidding.  Congratulations.”

 

            “Thanks, guys,” Bret sighed. 

 

            Ted came back outside with three bottles of champagne and some glasses.  “You guys all hear the news?” 

 

            A chorus of voices assured him that they had.

 

            “Well, then,” Bret said, squeezing Julie’s hand.  “Let’s get this party started.”

 

§

 

            Julie frowned as she hung up the phone.  “There’s still no answer.”

 

            Bret turned off the TV and sighed.  “Jules, I’m sure—“

 

            “No, Bret.  I’ve been listening to you make excuses all day now.  I’m worried.”

 

            “Jules, come on.  Do you really expect them to be chained to that apartment all day long?  I’m sure they just went out.”

 

            “Everyone?  There’s usually at least ten people over there.”

 

            “They’re drug addicts,” Bret said.  “Maybe they just don’t feel like answering the phone.”

 

            Julie tapped her nails nervously on the end table. “I don’t know, Bret.  I haven’t talked to him…” She glanced at the clock and saw that it was after 8.  “I haven’t talked to him in three days,” she finished.

 

            “His pride is dented,” Bret replied soothingly.  “I’m sure he doesn’t want to be found right now.”

 

            “I want to go over there,” Julie insisted. 

 

            “Julie, I really don’t think that’s necessary…”

 

            “If you won’t take me, then I’m going to go myself, Bret.”

 

            Bret sighed.  “Fine, if it’s that important to you.”

 

            “It is.”  She stood up.

 

            Bret followed her lead.  “I’ll go tell your dad to keep an eye on Devon,” he said.  “I’ll meet you at the car.”

 

            Julie nodded and watched his back as he walked out of the room, then turned and headed outside.  She knew that Bret was right, that there was some perfectly innocent reason why there was no answer at Roscoe’s apartment, but she had to find out for herself.  She climbed into the car and nervously twirled her hair around her fingers.

 

            A moment later, Bret came outside and climbed into the driver’s seat.  “You’re being silly,” he assured her as they began to drive.  “And he’s not going to be happy to see me.”

 

            “Then he should have answered the phone,” was all Julie said.  The drive to Roscoe’s was a silent one.

           

            When they parked the car, Bret glanced around.  “See?  His car’s not even here, Jules.”

 

            “I don’t care.  Maybe someone can tell us where he is.”

 

            Bret sighed.  “All right. Come on.”

 

            They made their way to the door, but before they could knock, it swung open violently.  Roscoe came rushing out, a panic-stricken look on his face.  He barely glanced at the pair as he brushed past them. 

 

            “Hey,” Bret said.  Roscoe didn’t turn.  “Hey!” Bret said again, louder.  Still, Roscoe paid them no attention.  “Go check inside,” Bret directed.  “I’m going after him.”  He took off after the drug dealer.

 

            Julie took a breath and climbed the stairs to the apartment.  The only light in the apartment was shining from the end of the hall, and it took a moment for her eyes to adjust.  The living room looked torn up.  A chair was on its side and cushions were out of place. 

 

            The room was void of people except for a form lying on the sofa.  After another minute of focusing, Julie made out Hayden’s form, and she crouched down beside the couch.  “Hayden,” she said quietly.  He did not stir.  She said his name again and still got no response. 

 

            Gingerly, Julie put her hand on the boy’s bare shoulder to shake him awake.  She recoiled when she discovered that his flesh was icy under her touch.  As she drew back, Hayden’s arm flopped over the side of the couch, and Julie felt something hit her leg before clattering on the floor.  She forced herself to look down, although she didn’t want to. 

 

            Lying on the floor next to her foot was a syringe.  Julie gasped and stood up, taking a few steps backwards.  At that moment, Bret came in the door.

 

            “I couldn’t catch up to him,” he said.  “He took off like a bat out of hell.”  When Julie didn’t respond, his voice became more concerned. “Jules?”

 

            Julie couldn’t find her voice.  She heard Bret feeling around for a light switch and wanted to tell him not to turn on the lights, but no sound came.  A moment later, the room flooded with a harsh white light and Julie saw exactly what she feared she’d see.

 

            Hayden’s face was drained of color, his lips a sobering shade of blue.  His eyes weren’t closed all the way.  Julie found her voice and emitted a choked cry.

 

            “Jesus fuck,” Bret breathed, and in one swift motion, he closed the distance between himself and Julie, spinning her around and pulling her tightly against him. 

 

Julie began sobbing freely.

 

§

 

            Julie sat on the steps in front of Roscoe’s apartment with her head practically resting on her knees.  The violent sobs had been replaced by a detached breed of shock.  Bret had been standing in the yard talking to a police officer for nearly twenty minutes and Julie had barely heard a word of the conversation.  She pulled herself upright and stared dazedly at the flashing lights of the ambulance in the parking lot that held Hayden’s lifeless body.  Part of her wondered why they didn’t just send a hearse, and the thought caused fresh tears to spill silently down her cheeks.

 

            “We’ll call you if we need any further information,” she heard the cop say to Bret.  She watched in silence as he climbed into his car and drove off.  The ambulance did not move.

 

            Bret turned around and walked over to stand in front of Julie.  “How are you holding up?”  His voice sounded strained.

 

            “I don’t know,” Julie said flatly.  “How did we let this happen?”

 

            Bret ran a hand through his hair and stared at something in the distance to the left of where he was standing.  “We didn’t let anything happen,” he said, but he didn’t sound as though he was even convincing himself.

 

            The ambulance slowly pulled away, and Julie stared after it. “He was only nineteen,” she said.  Bret continued to stare silently and she wondered if he was trying not to cry.

 

Julie noticed a figure approaching them.  “Shit,” she said under her breath, and hurriedly stood up.

 

            Bret snapped out of his daze.  “What?” he said, turning to see what she was looking at.

 

            Sebastian came up to them, looking confused.  “What’s going on?” he asked.  His voice had an odd quality to it.  “Did I just see an ambulance drive out of here?”

 

            Julie looked at the ground, unable to keep the singer’s gaze.  “Yes,” she said quietly.

 

            “Damn junkies,” Sebastian commented.  “Anyway, where’s Hayden?  I was supposed to meet him here a couple hours ago, but I kept nodding out.”

 

            Bret cleared his throat and looked back into the distance. “Baz, I… we have something to tell you.”

 

            Sebastian looked over at Bret, frowning.  “I’m surprised to even see you,” he offered.

 

            “I wish it was under better circumstances,” Bret replied.  He looked down, his blond hair shielding his face. 

 

            Sebastian turned back to Julie.  “One of you had better tell me what the fuck is going on.  You’re acting as though somebody died.”  He laughed, a forced, nervous sound.

 

            Julie said nothing as she pulled Sebastian into a hug.  She wrapped her arms around his back and squeezed as hard as she could, burying her face in his hair. 

 

            Sebastian jumped back before reciprocating the hug.  Julie felt one of his hands on the back of her head, stroking gently.  “Jule, what is it?  What’s wrong?”

 

            Bret cleared his throat.  “Roscoe took off,” he offered feebly.  “He, ah… I’m afraid there’s been… well, an accident.” 

 

            Julie had never heard Bret stumble over his words so acutely before.  She took a breath.  “It’s Hayden,” she said into Sebastian’s chest. 

 

            She felt him stiffen.  “What are you talking about?”  He pushed Julie away from him and held her by the shoulders, looking down into her teary eyes. “What happened to Hayden?” His voice was getting louder.

 

            Bret put a hand on Sebastian’s shoulder, and for a minute Sebastian just looked down at Bret’s wrist.  “I’m sorry, man,” Bret said, looking at the ground.  “He was already… when we got here, it was too late.”

           

            For a long moment, everything stayed perfectly still.  No one moved or spoke.  Then everything went into motion very quickly.

 

            Sebastian pulled away from Bret and Julie and stumbled backwards into the parking lot.  “What are you talking about?” he demanded.  “Are you telling me Hayden is dead?”

 

            “He… he overdosed,” Julie said quietly.  “I guess he shot too much, I…” She trailed off.

 

            Sebastian’s angry eyes were tearing up.  “No.  No, Jules.  You cannot be telling me this, you cannot be telling me that he fucking shot up while I wasn’t here and…”

 

            “Julie was worried,” Bret said, taking a step towards him.  “She called… a few times, and there was no answer, so… we came over here… and we, well, Julie found him on the couch…”

 

            Sebastian held up a hand to keep Bret from coming any closer.  His hands were shaking.  “This has got to be some kind of joke,” he said.  His voice cracked.  “Of the not very funny kind.  You guys… you’re just trying to scare me sober.”  Sebastian looked at them, searching their faces for a sign that they didn’t show.  “You…” He trailed off. 

 

            Bret took another step towards Sebastian and stopped.  Sebastian curled his right hand into a fist, which he brought up to his mouth.  He bit into the flesh of his hand, hard.  Julie tossed a concerned look at Bret, who raised his eyebrows to say that he didn’t know exactly how to proceed. 

 

            Julie turned her attention back to Sebastian.  She wanted to say something, to comfort him, but she stayed silent, rooted to the spot, and then it happened.  Sebastian, who had always kept it completely together, lost his mind.

 

            The singer fell to his knees in the parking lot, his fist still at his mouth, his long hair spilling down and blocking his face from view.  He made a noise that was a cross between a sharp inhalation and a howl of pure human pain. 

 

            He pulled his hand from his face and in the harsh glow of the streetlights, Julie could see that he’d bitten it hard enough to draw blood.  Sebastian uncurled his fist and pressed his hand to the ground.  “I was supposed to meet him,” Sebastian said quietly, and it was evident that he was crying.  “I was supposed to fucking be here,” his voice grew louder, “and I was too fucking busy shooting up and now he’s fucking dead and it’s all my fucking fault.”  The last words were practically screams.

 

            Bret stayed planted where he was, but Julie rushed over to Sebastian’s side.  She put a hand on his back and he wriggled away from her, pounding his fists onto the street.  “Stop it,” Julie said, crying again.  “Sebastian.”  He didn’t listen.  Julie threw a look at Bret. “He’s going to break his hands.”

 

            Bret closed the distance between himself and Sebastian, grabbing his friend’s hands in an effort to keep him from hurting himself further.  Sebastian struggled intensely, but the burst of energy quickly faded and he relented, allowing Bret to hold him by the wrists. 

           

            To Julie, it felt as though, all at once, Sebastian had simply deflated.  She put a hand under his chin and tilted his face up to hers.  His eyes were closed, but tears were streaming down his face mutely.  

 

            Bret stood upright and pulled Sebastian to his feet, steadying him as he swayed.  “Let’s get him home,” Bret said to Julie.  “Let’s just get him home.”

 

§

 

            Julie sat on a chair next to her bed, holding one of Sebastian’s hands in both of hers.  He hadn’t said a word as they drove home, nor as he allowed himself to be led upstairs into Julie’s bedroom and eased onto the bed.  He had been in the same position, propped up on pillows and staring blankly at the wall, for nearly twenty minutes, and Julie wondered if maybe he’d finally really snapped.  Bret had gone to talk to Ted, and to find something to calm Sebastian down and make him sleep, no easy task for a person who had a steady heroin habit. 

           

            Julie rubbed Sebastian’s sweaty hand gently.  “Sebastian,” she said softly. 

 

            It wasn’t the first time she’d tried to talk to him, but this time he slowly turned to look at her.  His hazel eyes were bloodshot and still teary.  “I was supposed to meet him,” he said quietly. 

 

            “I know,” Julie said, squeezing his hand.  She didn’t know what else to say.

 

            “If I had just gotten there sooner…”

 

            “Don’t beat yourself up over this, Sebastian,” Julie said, although she knew it wouldn’t help.  “This isn’t your fault.”

 

            Sebastian laughed mirthlessly.  “Of course it is,” he said.  “From the beginning, everything with Hayden… it was all my fault.”  He sounded as though he was shocked to realize what he was saying.

 

            “You didn’t know,” Julie said soothingly.  “You never meant for anything bad to happen to him.”

 

            “But I didn’t stop anything bad from happening to him,” he replied, his voice more forceful.  He wrenched his hand away from Julie and sat upright.  “I didn’t even stop to think about it, I didn’t think about him.  What the fuck was I thinking?”  He was bordering on hysterical again.

 

            Julie got out of the chair and climbed onto the bed with him, pulling him against her despite his struggles.  She could feel him sob against her chest, and she felt as though someone was grabbing her heart and twisting it inside of her.  She had never seen Sebastian anywhere near this upset and it killed her that she was powerless to make him feel better.

 

            Bret came back into the room quietly, meeting Julie’s gaze over the back of Sebastian’s head.  He looked heartbroken. 

 

            Sebastian pulled away from Julie again and buried his head in his hands for a minute before pulling them through his hair harshly.  He looked up at Bret, his expression wild and hurt.  “I suppose this is where you say I told you so.”

 

            Bret visibly recoiled at the harshness in his friend’s tone.  “No,” he said, his tone quiet and serious.  “I would never say that.”

 

            “Don’t even tell me you don’t think this is my fault.”

 

            “It’s not,” Bret said honestly.  “You didn’t tell him to do what he did.”

 

            “Maybe not directly.  Don’t tell me this isn’t my fault.  Of course it is.”

 

            Bret opened his mouth and closed it again.  He opened the bottle of pills in his hand and shook a few into his palm, then looking at Sebastian again, added a few more to the pile.  He offered them to his friend.

 

            “What is this,” Sebastian said flatly, taking the blue pills in his hand.

 

            “Valium,” Bret said.  “I know it’s not much, but a fistful of them should at least help you sleep.”

 

            “I don’t want to sleep,” Sebastian said.  “I don’t even deserve to.” 

 

            Julie reached over and took the bottle of water Bret was extending.  “Ssh,” she said, forcing the bottle into Sebastian’s free hand.  “You need to get some rest.  We all do.”

 

            “I’m not tired.”

 

            “Please, Sebastian, take the pills.  Please.  For me.”

 

            Sebastian looked up at her and seemed about to protest, but he sighed.  “Fine.”  He tossed the handful of pills into his mouth and swallowed them with a gulp of water, then leaned back again onto the pillows.

 

            Just then, Ted poked his head into the room.  “Can I come in?”

 

            “Sure, Dad,” Julie said, again taking Sebastian’s hand in hers.

 

            Ted entered the room and stood next to the bed.  “How are you feeling?”

 

            Sebastian looked up at Julie’s father.  “I killed a kid tonight,” he replied.  “How are you?”

 

            Ted frowned.  For the first time, he seemed out of witty responses.  “I want all of you kids to get some sleep,” he said after a minute.  “Things will look better in the morning.”  He didn’t wait for a response before he turned and left.

 

            “I think your father’s right,” Bret said.  “Getting some sleep couldn’t hurt any of us.”

 

            “I’m going to stay in here with him,” Julie said.  “I don’t want him to be alone.”

 

            “Don’t talk about me like I’m not here,” Sebastian interjected.  “It makes me feel even more insane than I already do.”

 

            Bret looked down at his friend.  “Do you want Julie to sleep in here with you tonight?”

 

            Sebastian looked at Julie for a long minute and then looked at the wall again.  “Yes,” he said quietly. 

 

            Julie climbed to her feet.  “I’ll be back in a minute, okay?” 

 

            Bret looked uncertain of what to do.  “Get some sleep,” he said finally, then followed Julie down the hall into the guest bedroom.

 

            “You don’t mind me staying with him, do you?” she asked when they were out of earshot.

 

            Bret shook his head.  “Given the circumstances, I think I might even insist on it,” he said. 

 

            “Have you ever seen him like this?”

 

            “No.  And I’ve seen him go through a lot, Jules.”

 

            Julie sighed.  “I don’t know what to do, Bret.  I’m so scared for him.”

 

            “So am I.  I wish I could do something for him, but I’m at a complete loss.”  He ran a hand through his hair.  “We’re all pretty fucked up about this.  I really think we should just let it drop until morning.  There’s nothing more we can do about it tonight.”

 

            Julie nodded. “You’re right,” she said.

 

            “I want you to come get me if anything happens,” Bret said seriously.  “If he starts freaking out, I don’t want you to try to handle it all on your own.”

 

            “I’ll get you,” Julie promised.  “I really think the Valium will put him to sleep, though.  You gave him an awful lot.”

 

            “He’s taken more than that before,” Bret said, “but given the emotional exhaustion of what he’s going through, I think it might work.”  He leaned down and kissed her softly.  “You’d better get back in there.”

 

            Julie nodded.  “I’ll see you in the morning.”

 

            “I love you, Jules.”

 

            “I love you, too.”  She left the room and quickly made her way back to her own bedroom, closing the door behind her.  “Do you think you can get up for a second while I pull the covers down?” she asked gently.

 

            Sebastian mutely climbed off of the bed and looked on expressionlessly as Julie readied the bed to be slept in, then wordlessly climbed back into it.  He rolled onto his side and faced the other way as Julie swiftly changed into a pair of pyjama pants and a tanktop. 

 

            She slid into bed next to him and turned off the bedside lamp.  “How are you feeling?” she asked softly.

 

            Sebastian rolled over onto his back.  “Numb.”

 

            “That’s probably a good thing.”

 

            “I didn’t want anything to happen to him, Jule.”

 

            Julie found his hand under the blanket and squeezed it.  “I know, sweetheart.”

 

            “I loved that kid.”

 

            “I know.  We liked him a lot.”

 

            “I can’t believe I took away the life of such a young kid,” he said, his voice choked.  “It should have been me.”

 

            “Sebastian, don’t say that. It shouldn’t have been anyone, but I’m so glad it wasn’t you.”

 

            A few moments passed in silence, then Sebastian suddenly rolled over onto his side and laid his head on Julie’s chest.  Julie put an arm around him and let him cry onto her shirt, biting back tears of her own.  “It should have been me,” he said again.  “I’ve already seen the world, I’ve done it all.  I’m a fucking rockstar, for god’s sake.  I’ve had all the drugs and all the girls and all the fortune.  Why did it have to be someone like him?” 

 

            Julie considered responding, but decided instead to just let him talk.  It seemed as though he needed to just be heard.  She held him more closely.

 

            “He didn’t deserve that happen to him.  If I wasn’t such a self-absorbed fuck, I would have been there.  I would have stopped this from happening.”  The singer drew a shuddering breath.  “He was the nicest kid I’ve ever met, Jule.  He was so polite and he cared so much about everybody.  He…” Sebastian trailed off. 

 

            Julie waited a minute before speaking.  “Sebastian?”  He mumbled a reply and Julie realized the Valium had kicked in.  “Get some sleep, sweetheart,” she said quietly.

 

            A few minutes later, Sebastian’s breathing became slow and regular and Julie breathed a sigh of relief.  “I love you,” she said softly, and closed her eyes.

 

§

 

            Things remained quiet at the house, but there was a constant air of sadness and tension.  November rolled quietly into December without a mention of the holidays beyond Bret informing his band that it was not a good year to throw their traditional Thanksgiving party.  Bret and Julie had tried to stay as optimistic and cheerful as possible, both for the sake of their young daughter and that of their miserable friend.  Sebastian hadn’t left the house once in nearly three weeks.  He had moved into the attic, despite Julie’s protests, and only rarely did he venture out.  It was more rare to hear him speak.  Julie wanted to do something, anything to help her friend, but every time she’d headed towards the attic stairs, Bret had pulled her away, insisting that this was simply what Sebastian had to do. 

 

            Bret and Julie had sat down with Devon a few days after Hayden’s death and explained to her that Hayden had gone away, and would not be coming back.  The little girl had taken it pretty hard initially, but as five-year-olds tend to do, she had bounced back quickly.  It was increasingly harder to keep her from pestering Sebastian, who as far as Devon was concerned was sick.  This wasn’t entirely untrue; during the first week, Sebastian had gone through a hellish period of withdrawal that Bret and Julie only glimpsed when he would venture downstairs only to lock himself in the bathroom for hours.  He would emerge, sweaty and pale, before slowly going back up into the lonely, cold attic to saturate himself in remorse.

 

            Julie and Bret had tried to be as happy as was possible given the circumstances, sneaking away when they could for some time alone, which wasn’t often.  More than once they had tried to reach some sort of decision in regards to telling Sebastian their plans to get married, but it had never seemed the right time.  It had never really seemed the right time to talk to Sebastian at all. 

 

            Rikki had been stopping in periodically, sometimes with but often without Bobby and CC, seeming upset that he couldn’t offer any words of advice to help the situation.  The guys had all met Devon, and fallen in love with her in their own quirky ways, all showering her with gifts.  Julie didn’t bother reprimanding them for spoiling her; with enough presents and attention to distract her, Devon didn’t have time to ask questions about where Hayden had gone, or about why her uncle Sebastian had taken up what seemed like a permanent residence in the attic.

 

            Bret had done some undercover work and found that arrangements for Hayden’s burial had been made by an aunt somewhere on the other side of the country.  He and Julie had sent flowers in Sebastian’s name, but had received no sign that they’d been received by anyone.  Although they wished there was more they could do, behind closed doors they admitted it was a relief that Sebastian wouldn’t be forced to make a decision about going to the funeral.

 

            Julie padded to the kitchen barefoot, exhausted from weeks without a decent night of sleep.  It was nearly 3am and everyone was asleep. She was surprised to see Sebastian sitting at the kitchen table in front of a cup of coffee, a cigarette burning in one hand. “Hi,” she said tentatively.

 

            “Hi.”  He didn’t look up.

 

            “Can I get you some breakfast?”

 

            “No,” he said.  “Thank you.”

 

            Julie poured herself a glass of juice and took a seat across the table from him.  “I’m surprised to see you down here,” she commented.

 

            “I couldn’t sleep,” Sebastian replied.  “I think it’s time to stop living in your attic.”

 

            Julie breathed an inward sigh of relief.  “You have no idea how glad I am to hear that.”

 

            Sebastian looked up at her then.  He looked much better than he had.  Color was beginning to return to his cheeks and his eyes no longer looked as though he’d been crying for hours.  “I’m done with it, you know,” he said seriously.  “That’s it.  I’ll never pick up a needle again in my life.”

 

            Julie nodded carefully, uncertain of how to respond.  “I’ve wanted to hear you say that for a long time,” she said finally.

 

            “It should have been me,” Sebastian continued.  “But it wasn’t, and I don’t want it to be.  I didn’t realize that it hurt so much when someone died.”

 

            “I can’t even begin to imagine what it would feel like to lose you,” Julie agreed.

 

             Sebastian took a drag on his cigarette.  “Well, you won’t have to worry about me sticking a needle in my veins any time soon,” he assured her.

 

            Julie reached across the table and covered Sebastian’s hand with her own.  “So you’re feeling better now?”

 

            Sebastian looked at her hand.  “Yeah,” he said, taking a breath.  “I think I’m going to carry this with me for a long time, maybe forever… but I’m feeling better.”

 

            “We didn’t know what to tell Devon,” Julie said.  “We told her he just went away.  I don’t think she’s ready to learn about death yet.”

 

            Sebastian nodded.  “I think that’s probably the wisest thing you could have done.”

 

            “And we told her that you were sick.”

           

            “I’ll personally inform her that I’m better in the morning.” Sebastian smiled slightly for the first time in weeks.

 

            Julie smiled back.  “I’m sure she’ll be just as happy to hear that as I am.”  She paused.  “Think you’ll kiss and make up with Bret?”

 

            Sebastian raised an eyebrow.  “I think I’ve kissed that man enough for one lifetime.”  He took a sip of his coffee.  “As for the making up part, as far as I’m concerned, we’ve already made up.  Pretend I’ve just given some ‘life is too short for bullshit’ speech.”  He paused.  “I take it Bret’s sleeping.”

 

            Julie nodded.  “You know he’s been taking Valium to go to bed nearly every night?  He’s really been worried about you.”

 

            Sebastian sighed.  “I know,” he said.  “And you probably won’t get me to admit this again, but don’t think I don’t appreciate that.  The same goes for you.”

 

            Julie finished her drink.  “I was beginning to think you didn’t love me anymore.”  She smiled, but she wasn’t being entirely lighthearted.

 

            Sebastian squeezed her hand.  “Hey, don’t say that,” he said quietly.  “You know I always will.”

 

            “I love you, too, Sebastian.  I hope you know that.”

 

            “Sure I do,” Sebastian said softly, and pulled his hand away.  “Well, I think I’m going to try to sleep again.  I think it might work this time around.”  He stood up.

 

            Julie rose as well.  “Me, too,” she agreed.  “Why don’t you stay in my room tonight?”

 

            “You’re sleeping with Bret, I take it.”

 

            Julie bit her lip and nodded.  “Yeah, in one of the guest rooms.”

 

            Sebastian cleared his throat.  “Sure, yeah.  Your room is more comfortable than the attic.”

 

            They walked upstairs to Julie’s room in silence, stopping at the doorway.  Julie looked up into Sebastian’s eyes.  “So is everything really cool now?” she asked.

 

            Sebastian took a breath.  “Yeah, sure, I guess,” he said.  “Maybe a little rough around the edges.”  He paused.  “Get some sleep.  We’ll talk more tomorrow.”

 

            Julie nodded.  “Goodnight,” she said.

 

            The singer leaned in and gave her a quick hug.  “Night, princess,” he said.

 

            Julie closed the door on her way out and made her way back to the room she’d been sharing with Bret.  When she opened the door she saw that Bret was sitting up in bed with the light on.  “You’re awake,” she noted.

 

            “I woke up and saw you weren’t in here, and then I heard you two in the hall.  He doing okay?”

 

            Julie climbed back into bed and snuggled closer to Bret.  “Actually, yeah,” she said.  “Not only did he say that he was done with heroin, he also said that from his end, everything is okay between you two.”

 

            Bret kissed the top of Julie’s head.  “I was wondering when he was going to snap out of it.”

 

            “I was beginning to wonder if he’d ever snap out of it.”

 

            Bret sighed.  “Yeah.  Me, too, I guess.  You want to go back to sleep now?”

 

            Julie nodded.  “Yeah.  I think we can all sleep a little easier now.”

 

            Bret reached over and turned off the bedside lamp.  “You’re all I need to sleep easier at night,” he said.

 

§

 

            Julie tiptoed down the hall towards her bedroom, not entirely sure what force was motivating her to do it.  The house was lit with the dim light that came before dawn.  When she reached the closed door, she could hear soft guitar music playing from inside, and she hesitated before quietly turning the knob and opening the door.

 

            There were no lights on in the room and Julie’s eyes had to slowly adjust to the dimness.  Sebastian was sitting on the edge of the bed, facing away from her, with a guitar in his hands.  Idly she wondered where it had come from.  He was play a slow, sad melody.  “It’s beautiful,” she said when he stopped.

 

            Sebastian turned his head to look at her.  There was an expression on his face that Julie couldn’t quite decipher; she wasn’t sure that she had ever seen it before.  “It sounds good?” he asked.

 

            Julie nodded.  “I didn’t even realize you played.”

 

            “I haven’t in a long time,” he replied, turning away from her.  “Had a song in my head.  I had to get it down.”  He tossed a notebook onto the bed.  Julie could see writing on it, but couldn’t make it out in the dim light. 

 

            Without warning, Sebastian let the guitar fall to the ground.  It hit the carpet with a dull thud.  “How does this sound?”  He cleared his throat, still not looking at her.  “I’m shying from the light, I’ve always loved the night, and now you offer me eternal darkness… I have to believe that sin can make a better man, but it’s the mood that I am in that led us back where we began.”  He sang the words softly.

 

            “Beautiful,” Julie breathed.

 

            Sebastian laughed mirthlessly.  “It doesn’t matter.”  He reached for something lying next to him.

 

            “Sebastian?”

 

            “I love you, Jule,” he said, still laughing in that same mirthless, morbid tone.  “Always have.  I’d say I always will, but always ain’t much longer now.  I think you should leave now.  You don’t want to see this.”

 

            Julie felt her blood turn to ice when she saw what Sebastian had picked up.  It was a gun.  Sebastian raised it to his temple. 

 

            “I’m sorry, Jule.”  He pulled the trigger.

 

            Julie shot bolt upright in bed with a cry.  It was next to impossible to breathe.  Bret shot up next to her, shock turning quickly into concern on his face.  “Jules?  What is it?” He put an arm around her.

 

            Julie forced herself to take a few deep breaths.  “I just… jesus.”  She closed her eyes and opened them again.  “That was the scariest dream I’ve ever had.”  She began to cry.

 

            Bret pulled her against him protectively.  “Sweetheart,” he said, his voice thick with worry.  “Tell me what happened.”

 

            “It… it was Sebastian,” she said, and between sobs managed to get out the entire dream.  “It was so real,” she finished.

 

            “Jesus Christ,” Bret breathed.  It was clear that he wasn’t sure what to say.  He held her tightly until she calmed down a bit.

 

            “Bret, we have to tell him,” Julie said then.  “I know that it’s been rough for all of us, especially him, but I love him, Bret.  I can’t keep him in the dark.  God… if something happened to him, and I wasn’t honest, I don’t know—“

 

            “Sssh,” Bret interjected, stroking her face.  “It’s okay.  We’ll tell him.”  He took a breath.  “We’ll tell him today.  Okay, sweetheart?”

 

            Julie buried her face in Bret’s hair.  “Okay,” she said quietly, still visibly shaken from the dream.

 

§

 

            Several hours later found Bret and Julie sitting at the kitchen table over coffee.  They had unsuccessfully tried to fall back to sleep after Julie’s dream, but Julie had been too worked up to sleep and Bret couldn’t sleep with her fitful tossing.  They had come downstairs and eaten a late-morning light breakfast with Devon, and it seemed that Julie had finally shaken off the last of the feelings the dream had induced in her.  After breakfast, Devon had run off to the living room to watch a movie, leaving Bret and Julie alone with their thoughts.

 

            “I was thinking maybe later this afternoon we could go to the jewelry store,” Bret said.  “It’s about time I put a ring on that finger.”

 

            Julie smiled.  “You know you don’t have to buy me one.”

 

            “Don’t be absurd, of course I do,” Bret replied. 

 

            “Well, you don’t have to buy me anything gaudy and expensive,” Julie said.  “I don’t need anything too flashy.”

 

            “You can pick any ring in the store,” Bret assured her.  “But remember that I’m willing to pay for gaudy and flashy.”

 

            “Well, maybe we should wait to see what Sebastian says.”

 

            “Wait to see what Sebastian says about what?”  Bret and Julie looked up as Sebastian entered the kitchen, clad only in a pair of torn jeans.  Julie breathed a secretive sigh of relief that he looked much happier than he had in her dream.

 

            Bret glanced at Julie.  “Um… why don’t you pour yourself some coffee and sit down?”

 

            Sebastian eyed Bret warily for a minute before doing just that.  “Okay.  Do I want to hear this?”

 

            “I’m not sure,” Bret admitted.

 

            “Well,” Sebastian said evenly, “if someone’s dead, then I don’t.”

 

            “No one’s dead,” Julie assured him quickly.

 

            “Or even hurt,” Bret added.

 

            “Well, in that case, let’s have it.”

 

            “Well,” Bret began cautiously, “I guess you’ve realized that Julie and I… well, we…”

 

            “What, that you’ve gotten back together?  I’m not blind, bro.”

 

            Bret chuckled nervously.  “Well, yeah, but… well, it’s a little more than that.  We, ah…”

 

            Sebastian looked at him expectantly.  “Well?”

 

            “We’re engaged,” Julie said.

 

            Sebastian looked at her blankly for a minute and Julie saw something flash across his face before he smiled.  “Well,” he said.  “That is news, isn’t it.”

 

            “Is that… I mean, are you okay?” Bret asked tentatively.

 

            “Yeah,” Sebastian said.  “Sure.  I mean, I always knew the better man would win.”  He cleared his throat.  “Congratulations.”

 

            “Thank you,” Julie said, surprised at how readily he accepted the news.  She assumed that in light of everything that had happened recently, though, that Sebastian could probably take just about anything in stride right now.

 

            “So, where’s the ring?”

 

            Bret shot a glance at Julie.  “We were actually going to go pick it out tonight,” he said warily.  “I didn’t have a chance to go pick one out, you know, with everything…”

 

            Sebastian nodded.  “Am I invited on this little field trip?”

 

            “Of course you are,” Julie said quickly. “If you want to go.”

 

            “Sure I do.”  He took a sip of coffee.  “And here I thought you had bad news.”

 

            “You’re taking this pretty well, if you don’t mind my saying so,” Bret said.

 

            Sebastian sighed.  “Look, man,” he said.  “I love the girl as much as you do, and you know that, but don’t think for a minute that I didn’t always know that it was you she should be with.  You’re the father of her child, for god’s sake.  And you’re definitely the more stable one out of the two of us.”  He looked at Julie.  “You two were made for each other.  Sure, I’m disappointed, but this is the way things were meant to turn out.”

 

            Julie smiled a little.  “Are you sure you mean that?”

 

            “Of course I’m sure.  Really, you guys, congratulations.  I’m okay with this as long as I’m in the wedding.”

 

            Bret laughed.  “You know damn well you’ll be the best man.”

 

            “I already am,” Sebastian quipped.  He paused.  “Have you told Devon yet?”

 

            Julie shook her head.  “We figured she wouldn’t be able to keep the secret.”

 

            “How long have I been kept in the dark?”

 

            “Nearly a month,” Bret replied sheepishly.  “We wanted to tell you sooner, but…”

 

            “Uncle Sebastian?”

 

            Three pairs of eyes turned to see Devon standing next to the table.  “What’s up, kiddo?” Sebastian asked.

 

            “Are you still sick?  You don’t look sick,” the little girl said matter-of-factly.

 

            Sebastian laughed and leaned down to swoop the little girl up onto his lap. “I’m not sick anymore, sweetheart,” he said, smiling.  “All better.”

 

            Devon grinned.  “Yay!”  She threw her arms around Sebastian’s neck, and after his initial surprise he eagerly hugged the little girl back.

 

            Once she had settled comfortably into Sebastian’s lap, Bret cleared his throat. “Devon, honey?  Your mommy and I have something to tell you.”

 

§

 

            “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever been inside of a jewelry store,” Sebastian commented. 

 

            “First time for everything,” Julie said, examining what must have been the thirtieth ring of the evening. 

 

            Devon was skipping around the store wildly, alternating between tugging insistently on one of their arms and happily singing that Mommy and Daddy were getting married.  The three of them had been trying unsuccessfully for the past hour to calm her down, but the little girl’s excitement was practically tangible.

 

            “I really think I like this one, Bret,” Julie said.  She was holding a platinum band with a single diamond cut into the ornate shape of a rose. 

 

            Bret took the ring from her and examined it.  “It is beautiful,” he agreed.  “Have you looked around enough?  We could go somewhere else.” 

 

            “Bret, I must have looked at every ring in this place, and any one of them would be perfect,” Julie replied. “I don’t need a ring to remind me of how in love with you I am.”

 

            Bret smiled and planted a kiss on Julie’s lips.  “If this is the one you want, then this is the one you shall have.”

 

            Julie slipped the ring onto her finger and found that it fit perfectly.  She held her hand up into the light.  “What do you think, Sebastian?”

 

            “I think that you’re an ass for thinking that I’m the kind of person who has an opinion on women’s jewelry,” he said.  “No, seriously, Jule, it’s gorgeous.”

 

            Julie laughed and crouched down to show the ring to her daughter.  “Do you think it’s pretty, puss?”

 

            “Oh yes, Mommy,” the little girl said eagerly.  “It’s beautiful.”  Then she went back to her relentless skipping.

 

            Julie stood up and took the ring off of her finger, handing it to Bret.  “Okay, Mr. Michaels. I think we’ve found a winner.”

 

            Devon came racing across the store, nearly knocking over a display.  Sebastian grabbed her and swooped her up into his arms.  “Maybe we should take her outside?” he suggested.

 

            Bret nodded.  “You guys go ahead.  I’ll take care of this.”

 

            Julie put her arms around Bret’s neck.  “You’re wonderful,” she said, smiling up at him.

 

            He kissed her forehead.  “You make me that way,” he said.

 

            Julie grinned and pulled back.  “We’ll be right outside,” she said.

 

            “Okay,” Bret replied. “This will probably take a little while.”

 

            “You say that like you’ve bought engagement rings before.”

 

            “No,” Bret said, laughing. “But I have been present for it during Rikki’s ill-fated engagement.”

 

            “I was just kidding, anyway.  I’ll see you outside.”

 

            Julie followed Sebastian outside.  The jewelry store was located in a strip of stores that Julie thought resembled a glorified strip mall.  It was nearly dark outside, and becoming a bit chilly, but nothing compared to early December in New York.  Julie had almost forgotten how entirely un-Christmasy California winters felt.  The parking lot was almost entirely deserted, and Julie assumed that most of the other stores had already closed. 

 

            Sebastian put the little girl down. “Look,” he said pointing at a mechanical pony outside one of the other stores.  “Do you want to ride on it?”

 

            “Oh, Mommy, can I?”

 

            “Sure,” Julie said.  Then to Sebastian, “Only in California would there be a mechanical pony ride in the same lot as a store that sells multiple-thousand-dollar engagement rings.”

 

            Sebastian chuckled as they made their way to the ride.  “California, home to degenerate rockstars.  Do you think Bret and I haven’t ridden a few of these in our adult life?”

 

            “And we won’t even talk about what else you two have ridden.”

 

            “Hush,” Sebastian said, laughing. “Little ears.”  He scooped Devon up and put her on the horse, then put a few quarters in so it would keep going for a few minutes.

 

            Julie and Sebastian wandered a few feet away and stood staring out into the parking lot.  Sebastian lit a cigarette.  “So, you two are really doing it,” he said wistfully.

 

            “Yeah.  I can’t believe it.  I had no idea he would propose.”

 

            Sebastian shrugged and puffed on his cigarette.  “Nothing really surprises me with him,” he said.  “But honestly, I didn’t expect him to, either.  I didn’t know if he was the marrying type.”

 

            “I’ll make an honest man out of him yet,” Julie said, smiling.

 

            Sebastian turned and looked down at her. “Why not?  You certainly made one out of me, in the end.”

 

            “What are you talking about?”

 

            “Don’t think for one minute, Julie Kinsington, that I haven’t been in love with you for years,” Sebastian replied.  “You’re my favorite person in the whole world.  You’ve taught me more than you know, and I don’t say that sort of thing often.”

 

            Julie smiled a bit sadly.  “You’re one of my favorite people, too, Sebastian.”

 

            “And don’t think I won’t be making sure that he takes care of you.  Just because you two are getting married doesn’t mean I’m going anywhere.”  He paused. “I think my days of taking off unexpectedly are over.”

 

            “It’s nice to hear that,” Julie said.  “And trust me, I fully expect you to rescue me should anything go wrong.”

 

            “It won’t,” Sebastian assured her.  “Bret’s sun rises and sets on your face, Jule.  You and him getting married… it’s right.  I can feel that.”

 

            “You don’t know how much better it makes me feel to hear you say that,” Julie replied.  “You’re my best friend, Sebastian.  Don’t ever let that change.”  She felt her eyes growing teary.

 

            Sebastian hugged her tightly and then released her.  “I won’t,” he promised.  “Now don’t go getting all weepy on me.  I can’t handle all of this sappy bullshit.”

 

            Julie hit him playfully. “Get used to it,” she said.  “I’m getting married.  Expect a lot of weepiness.”

 

            “Mommy!”

 

            Julie and Sebastian whirled around at the sound of Devon’s terrified scream.  The mechanical pony whirred with no passenger, and a further sweep of the parking lot turned Julie’s blood to ice.

 

            Devon was being carried roughly under one arm by none other than Bret’s psychotic ex-girlfriend.  Angelique was struggling to hold the little girl’s weight while she pulled open the door to her car.  “Mommy!” came Devon’s cry again as she was roughly shoved across the driver’s seat into the passenger side of the car.  She struggled to get out, but Angelique swiftly climbed into the car and shut her door.  The engine roared.

 

            Julie’s hands flew to her face.  She felt as though she was glued to the spot.  Sebastian dropped his cigarette and took off running in the direction of the car, which was a good hundred yards across the parking lot.

 

            Julie watched in shocked silence as Angelique began to peel out of her parking space, heading directly for the singer.  Somehow she found her voice and cried out his name just before the front of the car connected with his waist and sent him flying.  Everything seemed to move in slow motion as she saw Sebastian’s body hurtle into the air.  Julie heard the car’s brakes squeal deafeningly as she watched Sebastian land in a twisted heap on the asphalt.

 

            Angelique jumped out of her car as Bret came rushing out of the jewelry store. He stopped dead in his tracks next to Julie and surveyed the scene, wide-eyed.  Devon managed to scramble out of the passenger side and Angelique didn’t even seem to notice as the little girl tore across the parking lot into the safety of her mother’s arms.  Julie fell to her knees and held the trembling, sobbing little girl, crying freely herself.  She saw Bret fumbling for his cel phone next to her.

 

            Angelique stood above Sebastian in the parking lot, staring down at him with her mouth hanging open.  No one spoke as Bret barked an explanation to the 911 operator.  After the call was finished, he dropped the phone and it clattered against the pavement.  Without looking at Julie, he quickly closed the distance between himself and Angelique.

 

            He grabbed her forcefully by the shoulders, pinning her against her car.  “What… the fuck… are you… doing here,” he managed, his voice filled with a level of anger Julie had never heard in anyone.

 

            “I didn’t mean to hit him!” Angelique said, her voice high-pitched and screeching.  “He ran in front of my car!”  She flailed wildly and managed to wriggle out of Bret’s grasp, but remained where she was, pressed up against the side of her car.

 

            “She was trying to take Devon,” Julie managed between sobs.  She was crouched beside Sebastian with Devon holding to her tightly.

 

            Bret looked from Julie back to Angelique, his expression awash with rage.  “What?” he growled.

 

            Angelique was sobbing by now.  “That fucking kid,” she spat out.  “You’re marrying her because of that fucking kid.  I heard them talking about how you were going to get married, and it’s not her you’re supposed to marry, Bret, it’s me and if that means I had to get rid of—“

 

            “Stop right fucking there,” Bret said.  He grabbed her by the arms and pushed her forcibly onto the ground.  “You sit right fucking there and don’t move a fucking fingernail until they come and haul your insane fucking ass to jail where you belong.”  He went into the car and grabbed the keys from the ignition. “If you so much as breathe too loudly, I will kick your fucking face in.”

 

            He turned and crouched down next to Julie.  “Is he breathing?” he asked, his voice panic-stricking.

 

            Sebastian rolled slowly onto his back and coughed.  “I’m breathing,” he said, his voice sounding weak.

 

            “Help will be here in a minute, man,” Bret said, his voice shaking.  “Don’t you fucking die on me.”

 

            “I’m not going to die,” Sebastian said, trying to sound lighthearted though he was in obvious pain. 

 

            “Of course you’re not,” Julie agreed quickly. 

 

            Bret looked his friend over.  “You’re going to be fine,” he said.  Then he looked at Julie.  “He’ll be okay.  He probably just rebroke his ribs.”

 

            Julie nodded uncertainly as they heard the ambulance’s siren behind them.  Bret took Devon into his arms and both he and Julie stood, watching as an ambulance and two police cars pulled into the parking lot.  Bret grabbed Julie’s hand. “It’ll be all right,” he said.

 

            “I hope so,” Julie said.

 

§

 

            Bret was holding his now-asleep daughter as Angelique was roughly handcuffed and put in the back of a police car.  He and Julie had explained the situation to the police and were waiting for the paramedics to talk to them.

 

            “I hope that’s the last we see of her,” Julie said bitterly.

 

            “It will be,” Bret assured her. “At least for a very long time, if I have anything to do with it.”

 

            “Do you really think he’s going to be okay, Bret?”

 

            Bret nodded.  “He was conscious and coherent,” he replied.  “I’m sure he’ll just be laid up for a few weeks.”

 

            Just then, a paramedic approached them.  “We’re taking him to St. Luke’s,” he said.

 

            “Is he going to be okay?” Julie asked nervously.

 

            “Well, he seems stable,” the paramedic replied.  “His vital signs are good and he’s cognizant. You’ll have to wait for the doctor to examine him to be sure, but I think he’ll be all right.  Are you going to follow us to the hospital?”

 

            “You go with them, Jules,” Bret said.  “I’ll take Devon home and meet you there.”

 

            Julie didn’t want to go alone, but she knew that someone had to go with Sebastian.  She also knew that an emergency room wasn’t the place to take her daughter.  She nodded mutely.

 

            Bret kissed her quickly.

 

§

 

            Julie was pacing the waiting room when Bret came in half an hour later.  He rushed up to her and swept her into his arms, and for a moment she just collapsed against him, fresh tears beginning to fall.  After a moment, the embrace broke and Bret pulled back.  “How’s he doing?”

 

            “I don’t know,” Julie said.  “I haven’t spoken to anyone.”

 

            Bret pulled her against him again.  “It’ll be okay, sweetheart,” he said.  He didn’t sound too sure of himself.

 

            “Excuse me,” came a voice from behind them.  Bret and Julie turned to face the doctor.  “I’m Dr. Richards.”

 

            Bret cautiously shook the doctor’s hands. “I’m Bret,” he said, “and this is Julie.  How is Sebastian?”

 

            The doctor sighed.  “Well, he’s suffering from some pretty severe internal bleeding,” he said and Julie felt her blood go cold. “He broke several of his ribs, and he may have punctured a lung, or his heart.  We’re going to have to operate to see exactly what happened and to stop the bleeding.”

 

            “He’s not going to die, is he?” Bret said, his voice thick with emotion.

 

            “I really can’t say at this point,” Dr. Richards replied.  “I’m sorry, but it’s really a waiting game right now.  I suggest the two of you go home and try to get some rest.  It might be hours before we can tell you anything concrete.”

 

§

 

            Sebastian’s funeral was on a Tuesday morning.  Julie sat in the front pew of the church staring blankly ahead.  Even days after she’d learned of the death of her friend, she still hadn’t cried, remaining in a shocked haze.  She’d barely eaten and Bret had fed her Valium like clockwork, but nothing penetrated the place she was in.

 

            She watched as Bret walked to the altar.  She’d never seen him look so solemn.  His long, blond hair was pulled into a ponytail, and the suit he was wearing looked to big for him somehow.  He straightened the microphone and cleared his throat.

 

            “Sebastian Bach was my closest friend in the world,” he began quietly.  “And my worst enemy.  I spent years rescuing him from every kind of danger imagineable, always telling myself that each time was the last.”  He reached a hand up and tugged at his ponytail absentmindedly.  “There was something about Sebastian, something I could never quite define, something that ascertained that every time I said I’d had enough, I’d always stay by him… and he always stayed by me.  He stayed by me until the day he sacrificed his life to save the life of my daughter.”  Bret’s voice cracked as his eyes teared up.  “It wasn’t until I lost Sebastian that I knew what it was that I came back for.  His nobility.  Sebastian Bach was a man of undying nobility and devotion, underneath his brazen façade.  His friendships were few, but they were for life… and death.”  Bret was crying freely now, struggling to keep his voice steady.  “The man who we are burying today was not an image, or a junkie, or a criminal, but one of the most noble and deeply caring people that I have ever had the good fortune of knowing, and even his death was an act of that nobility and love.  We have lost one of the most incredible people in the world today, and I, for one, will be indebted to him for the rest of my life.”  Bret looked around the church for a moment before stepping down from the altar.

 

            He made his way slowly across the church and took a seat next to Julie and Devon climbed mutely into his lap, crying quietly.  The priest began to speak.  She felt Bret’s hand seeking hers, and she grasped his sweaty hand tightly.  

 

            “There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens,” the priest said.  “A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to unroot the plant…”

 

            “How are you holding up?” Bret whispered.

 

            “Okay,” Julie said softly, numb to the goings-on around her.

 

            “A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them,” the priest continued.  “A time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces…”

 

            “I want to get married in April,” Bret whispered through his tears.  “On his birthday.  He would have liked that.”

 

            “What now is has already been; what is to be, already is, and God restores what would otherwise be displaced…”

 

            Julie nodded.  “Yes,” was all she said.

           

            “I love you,” Bret said a moment later.

 

            “I love you, too.”

 

            “…and to the dust they both return…”

 

            Julie squeezed Bret’s hand tightly as she finally felt the first tears slip down her cheeks.  She knew it would be the coldest California winter she’d ever felt.